Friday, December 31, 2010

Man Law 2011

These are just a few things I think should be read into man law for the new decade…

Thou shall not wear colorful digital watches (or colorful watches period).

Nothing says I’m old enough to smoke, vote, and drink, but I’m always down for a good game of freeze tag and maybe a happy meal with a orange soda afterwards like a bright candy apple red G-shock on a grown ass man.

Thou shall not take part in female fashion trends.

Remember a couple years back when men were wearing scarves with no coat, no jacket, just like t-shirt and scarf or sweater and scarf. Yeah, that shit was gay. Grown men were running around looking like Mary J Blige from the “Not Gon’ Cry” video or a part-time terrorist with those Keffiyehs (Arab Scarves). Now, in the final quarter of this year, I’ve seen a few men rocking those camel feet looking Uggs, and they look like fucking fools. (If you didn’t know, the Uggs Company makes more than one shoe, and they all don’t look like suede socks.) Just remember, women dress to impress other women, and men dress to impress women, but it doesn’t exactly work if you dress like a woman.

Thou shall not purchase girl cars.

You know that Accord/G37/Altima/3 series coupe you’ve been eyeing for sometime, stop; unless you’re eyeing it for your lady. When I see that Ford Escape pull and park, it almost breaks my heart to see a grown man hop out when I was expecting a 23 year old white woman. I honestly wonder what makes a man go to the dealership and say, “yeah let me get that white Volkswagen Bug”.

Thou shall listen adhere to these new man laws.

Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, November 15, 2010

4 More Great Ways to Save Money

Having safe sex
I know a whole lot of dudes who think they are downright surgical when it comes to pulling out. I don’t care if you smoke weed all the time, wear boxer briefs, and eat/drink large quantities of yellow dye #6. I know Doritos eating, Mountain Dew drinking pot heads with kids. It’s like a good spades hand; 5 and 3 possibles. Try your hand if you like, and that leads me to my next money saving tip…

Buying condoms in bulk
I always see people at the gas station scooping up that 3 pack of Trojans like this is the last time they are going to fuck. A lot of people learned in February that’s not sound practice because all those blizzard babies are due right…about…now. But, besides that, the shelf life on condoms is crazy, meaning the condoms you buy today will expire when Skynet takes over the world, and by then you should be fucking raw anyway to repopulate the world. What’s cheaper: two or three 12 packs of Magnums or 18 plus years of child support? You do the math.

Stainless steel appliances
My stove is white. So is my fridge and dishwasher. Matter-of-fact, there’re only two things I would rather have in stainless steel: (1) knives and (2) guns. People kill me when a selling point/renting point for a place of residence is that all the kitchen appliances are covered in a shiny metal. Does a stainless steel stove get hotter than the basic white joints? Does a stainless steel fridge keep food fresher? Does a stainless steel dishwasher clean dishes faster or get them cleaner? I’m appliance color blind.

Carrying cash only
I roll with cash and cash only; no debit, credit, or check book. Sometimes I roll with a lot of cash and sometimes just 20 or 30 bucks. The general idea is I never walk out the door with more than I’m willing to spend, and this way I never spend more than what I’m willing to spend. When I reach into my pocket that was once full of 20’s, 50’s, and 100’s and is now home to a lonely 5 and a 10, I know my spending is done. Credit cards and debit cards give the false idea that you’re not spending as much as you are. It’s almost like driving a car with no gas meter.

I’m getting money but my goal is to keep it
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, October 25, 2010

Unfortunate Truths

All of your life somebody has told you that you can be whatever you want to be or you can do whatever you put your mind to… Yeah that’s bullshit. I don’t mean to tap dance on your dreams, but that’s just the way it is. Since I’m a glass is half empty type of guy, here are a few unfortunate truths...

You’ll probably only ever be a baby momma.
Women out number men 4 to 1 off top; that means if you step foot in any maternity ward in any hospital on planet earth there will be more girls than boys. Once you toss in dudes in jail, dead dudes, dudes you just wouldn’t give the time of day, dudes that wouldn’t give you the time of day, and gay dudes you and the other chicks like you are 20 to 1 on a nigga. That pretty much means a single somewhat desirable dude will have way more options than you and 19 of you chicks will be baby mommas or lonely cat ladies. But, shout out to Fantasia she wrote a song for ya’ll isn’t that enough?

You’re average.
Average: typical, lacking any extraordinary, untypical, or exceptional characteristic - in other words… you. I know your parents told you that you were special and that you could be the president of the United States or an astronaut or an artist or a scientist; yeah that’s bullshit. I’m not going to say your parents were lying; I'm just going to go with “strongly misleading”. For every head of state, CEO, Grammy winner, Oscar winner or fuck it district manager of Footlocker there are 1000 custodians, burger flippers, bank tellers, cable guys and customer service reps. If you’re reading this you’re probably already the best that you can be. You won’t have books or movies telling your triumphant rise from mediocrity to assistant manager of Costco, sorry.

You’ll never ever EVER be rich.
You won’t hit the lotto. You won’t invent the next big thing. You won’t inherit millions from a long lost relative. Now that we got the foolishness out of the way, let’s touch on the reasons you won’t get rich that are well within your grasp. If you start a business chances are it will fail, and it’s a 50% chance that will happen in the first year. If you invest your money in a successful stock portfolio, you will make a profit but not enough to buy a yacht and retire in the south of France. Don’t quit your day job.

Even if you believe it, you probably still can’t achieve it.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, October 15, 2010

Disrespectful Things I’ve yet to Say Out Loud (to women)

If you know me you know that I have a knack for saying fucked up shit, it’s a gift and a curse, but I’m also known for speaking my mind (they should have never gave us niggas Twitter). Over the last few years I’ve somehow managed to go without saying a few things that even I would be like “Damn son that’s fucked up” and here are a few.

Hey There Unattractive
Every once in a while I’m faced with a truly unattractive women. I might bend a hard right or left, reading a text and suddenly look, or open a door a bit too fast and there she is standing directly in my field of vision close enough to point out every imperfection. The first thing that pops in my head is the overwhelming urge to say “Hey there Unattractive” almost as if it was a term of endearment. For the entire time she is within earshot that statement sits on the tip of my tongue waiting to jump out but I’ve fought it off this far.

How Did You Get This Job exactly (to busted strippers)?
I’ve never entered a strip-club that employed all dimes (and before you open your mouth to attempt to name one shut up because you ain’t been to one either) but needless to say some strip-clubs employee a few more unpleasant looking strippers than others. Meaning a one night stand with Maya Angelou would be a more attractive offer than sleeping with one of these busted ass strippers. I’m literally dying to walk up on one these horrid creatures and ask “how the hell did you get hired in this establishment?” Did you donate a kidney to the owners first born child? Do you have a sex tape of him and a goat? Are you secretly a part owner and doing this for kicks? I really need to know what you did on stage at your audition that made the powers that be say... “This girl right here is exactly what we need to shut the game down. You know how many other clubs are looking for borderline obese strippers with bad skin and stretch marks? She’s a fucking goldmine.”

So what look are you going for with that mustache?
Some women are hairier than others, that’s just a fact of life, but some women could get a part time job at the carnival as the bearded lady every time it comes to town. Some hairy chicks might rock that slight shadow but some chicks look like the missing member of The Whispers (Google them). Baby girl I know your grandmamma and them sold you that old Negro wise tale that if you shave or wax it, it will come back thicker well I got a cure for that shave it again. Would you rather rock a mustache 365 or just when you run out of shaving cream?

I still know how to hold my tongue a little bit
Jean DeGrate hasn’t spoken... yet

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Dress Code (The Mean Girls of Morehouse)

I’ve been working for the same company for 9 years. When I started we didn’t have a dress code and I work with a handful of white, some black folks and shit load of niggas, so you already know them niggas took full advantage of the non-existent dress code. We had women wearing tights, short skirts, halter tops, short shorts and some more shit. Men weren’t any better wearing jerseys, tank tops, baggy jeans, sweatpants, do-rags and fitted caps. Honest to God truth it was a lot of days I walked into the office looking like I was about to move a few grams of coke rather than sitting at desk at Fortune 500 company.

The first quarter of last year they installed a dress code; no shorts, T-shirts, hats, sweatshirts, sweatpants, tank tops, etc... Pretty much if you’re a guy you can wear jeans with polo shirts, button ups or sweaters and women could wear skirts and dress below the knee, blouses (what the fuck is a blouse anyway like exactly define blouse), polo shirts, sweaters and button ups. I was heated. I mean how the fuck are the powers that be going to come out of the blue and tell me I got to change my entire wardrobe up? I been here 8 years, wearing what the fuck I want. How I dress doesn’t effect how I do my job. I stare at a PC for 8 hours plus a day, I could do this job just as well if I was doing it in my boxers. I was writing letters to the union, arguing with union reps and just over all just had a fucked up disposition about the whole ordeal.

Then one of my friends told me if I don’t like it I can always quit. I could give up my benefits and my 6 figure pay then run down to DTLR and fill out an application. There I could wear all the T-shirts and hats my heart desired; I’d even get a discount on it. But I would benefit much more by staying with my current employer and just conforming to the newly added dress code. I was heated but he was dead on.

Today I was reading “The Mean Girls of Morehouse” (and article on about this group of disgruntled cross dressing students who feel they are the focus of the new dress code. For those who aren’t familiar with Morehouse it’s an all male HBCU and Dr Martin Luther King Jr. graduated from there, it’s like the black Yale. My friends Slick, Panama and Lou also graduated from there. So I’m fairly versed in what it means to be a Morehouse man. In today’s culture it’s damn near fucking impossible to go anywhere and not run across a gay man, consequently, it’s only safe to assume that there will be a great deal of gay men at Morehouse and there is nothing wrong with being a gay Morehouse man. Since 1867, Morehouse has been building the image of the Morehouse man but that man never had a dress on, carried a purse or wore high heels. Do I believe Morehouse is wrong for issuing a dress code that prohibits men from dressing as women? Fuck no. Do I believe the cross dressing males have a reason to be mad that the dress code was changed seemingly to target them? Fuck no. At the end of the day the cross dressing males have more to gain conforming to the newly instilled system than Morehouse has to lose. Maybe one day the Morehouse man will wear a dress, but it won’t be in the near future. The cross dressers got some press (hell they even got me to write this blog) but it won’t top being able to say you’re a Morehouse man any day gay straight or transgendered.

Sometimes you have to swallow your pride and see the bigger goal
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Dirty looks

A few of my homies and I have been playing around with the idea of dating white women, even though only one of us is really following thru (shout out to Kwesi). I’ve missed numerous planned Becky hunting outings and have yet to even spark a conversation with a woman outside of my race, prior to today that is.

I guess today I was looking slightly less mugger-like and more like a productive member of society, so a Becky (term for a young white woman) walked right up on me and asked me for directions, when it was a ample amounts of white all around us in downtown Silver Spring. Maybe it was the button up or my glasses or my lack of Air Jordan’s on my feet but once I gave her directions she stuck around and chopped it up with the boy. I’m friendly to members of the opposite sex, that I wouldn’t mine sticking my penis in, so I stood on the corner of Wayne Avenue and Colesville Road in downtown Silver Spring holding serious conversation with a blonde haired blue eyed white woman.

For a good 15 minutes I didn’t even realize the dirty looks the black women passing by where giving me. You would have thought I was in the heart of Birmingham ,Alabama during the Civil Rights movement. I could have sworn an old black woman mouthed to me “Boy you betta get away from that there white woman” and she was the whitest of the white women, she might have had Brooke Shields beat. Seriously, she looked like she could have been a surfer/skier/volleyball player/water polo player/any predominately white female sport player, her T shirt read “Going Green is HOT” and her blonde hair was slightly blowing in the wind, even though there was no breeze. I guess even I would have been like “what are these two people doing together?” but that doesn’t explain why every BLACK women was looking at me like I was the scum of the earth. Even the black women I saw on the regular, who have never parted their lips to speak to me, looked like they wanted to run up me and punch me in the face. I felt like Tiger Woods when black women found out all his jump-offs just happened to look just like Barbie. Why all the hate for talking to a white girl?

Damn what I do?
Jean DeGrate is wondering

Let Me Get That Up Off You

***Shout out to Panama Jackson of VSB I stole this blog from him***

Friday I was doing my daily visit to and my man Panama (I can say my man because I actually know this guy was talking about all the things he gave to females that he wish he could get back. I got to thinking; it’s a gang of shit that I’ve doled out to chicks over the years and how much I would love to have all that shit back.

Those 8 hours of sleep I gave up fucking with you
Girl from FaceBook, which I had something like a one night stand with, (and for the duration of this section you’ll be known as FBG). FBG I thought you had something I stayed up on the phone with you until 4am like I didn’t have to go to work the next morning. The next day I was drowsy as fuck doing a half assed job and spent most of my day sneaking naps in but I was cool with it because you seemed cool as shit. That following night you went from stand up chick to part-time roller with the help of a few glasses of Patron (you’re my nigga). I’m not mad that I got the pussy easy I’m mad you hyped that mediocre pussy up and I went to work a second day sleepy as fuck again. The silver lining is, that episode made a great story to tell the homies, many laughs were had thanks to you.

My Ricky Williams authentic jersey
Phat Butt waitress/stripper from the Rogue, after 2 weeks of trying to catch up after our initial outing I finally got up with you. You came thru the house at 3am and our options were limited so I had to do what I had to do. As soon as the deed was done you asked for a T-shirt to put on but not a single T shirt in my entire wardrobe could cover that phat ole ass. The longest items of clothing in my closet were a Ricky Williams’s authentic rookie jersey and trench coat. For a hot second I almost handed her that trench. The jersey went just one inch under them ass cheeks. When the sun came up she tossed those jeans on and walked smooth out of my door with that jersey on her back. Then she moved to GA on my ass. Not that I was ever going wear that jersey again but it was my first authentic. I copped it when jerseys just started getting hot. Now she’s probably in GA cutting grass and doing house chores in my shit. FedEx me that shit if you’re reading this.

My broom, dust pan, mop, wrench, hammer and 2 60 watt light bulbs
I had this ex from when I was in senior in high school, our relationship lasted all of about 2 months but we kept fucking off and on until she started borrowing miscellaneous shit and never bought any of it back. One day out the blue she calls and...

Ex - Hey where are you?
JD - I’m in the house working out what’s good?
Ex - You got a broom and dust pan I can borrow for a few hours?
JD - I guess (clearly confused why anybody would want to borrow a broom if they lived on the other side of town)
Ex - Cool I’ll be there in 20 minutes (On that ride she had to pass at least 6 spots that sold household items)

Almost 17 minutes later she was at my door 2 minutes after that she was walking back out my door with the broom, dust pan and a mop in hand. I never even noticed she had my broom and shit until one day I had to sweep and couldn’t find it. No biggie I ran to CVS and bought a new one. About 3 weeks later I get another call from her asking for a hammer, wrench and screwdrivers. She comes thru gets the hammer and wrench then rolls out. The very next day she calls for the light bulbs gets them and dips then just as she’s walking out my man Slick is walking up and says to her “You finally bringing that broom back huh”. She ignores the shit out of that man and keeps it moving. I called her cell on the spot to ask about my broom and shit and all she had to say was “Why you acting all petty over a fucking broom?” I had to cancel her on the spot she was stocking her house with my shit like I was her personal Free Home Depot. That mop she got off me was tight as shit it had a little ringer thing at the bottom of the mop so you didn’t have to stick your hands in the water.

Hey ladies if you out there hit me on FB I need that up off you
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, October 8, 2010

4 Great ways to save money

The economy is still fucked up just. Last week I read that 14.9% of the US lives below the poverty line and that’s like 1 in 9 people. I even know some college grads that are selling coffee right now at a Starbucks near you. We all need to cut some corners and save a buck or two so here’s a few tips from me to you.

Shitting at work
I do my best to exclusively chuck the deuce on company time; to me it’s fiscally irresponsible to do it anywhere else. If I do it at home not only I’m I not getting paid to shit, those toilet paper squares add up so I’m actually losing money. Bonus tip: if you work a lot of overtime when you drop the deuce you’re getting time and a half, for the win.

Drinking at home
I know a lot of people like to hit the happy hour with the one dollar drinks (which are really rubbing alcohol and juice, that’s why it burns so much going down) or those 5 dollar Top Shelf drinks and think they are getting a super bargain, or maybe you just like to socialize, well in that case, enjoy that happy hour. Now I’m not cheap but bars are making a killing. If I order a beer, they want 4 bucks but I could have 2 more bucks at the local Shop N Save for 2 more bucks. Let’s think; one happy hour beer for $4 or entire six-pack for $6. I’m still tripping off dropping 30 on a triple shot of 1800 when a 5th is only 24. Since then my kitchen strongly resembles a bar (seriously) and I have a 2 drink maximum when out and about.

Reading the news on my phone
I used to subscribe to the post and everyday on my way to the train station I used to pick up my paper. I’d be on the train flipping thru this 3’ by 2’ mess of ads coupons and articles on shit I’d never read. My hands would be grey and sometimes my white T would be too, if I wasn’t extra carefully. Now I fire that post right up on my phone for the low price of nothing; plus my phone fits in one hand with no mess.

Dating hood rats
I know what you’re thinking “JD come on son not the hood rats” but it’s perfectly sound reasoning behind it. Not all of us can afford to take Ms. New Booty out on the town and drop top dollar, times are harder than Pee-Wee Herman at a porn convention. Sometimes to get yours off you got to aim a little lower, well let’s not say lower let’s just say aim in a different direction (just in case I got any hood rats reading right now). You can easily drop 100 to 150 out on a date without trying but Ms Hood Rat doesn’t expect as much maybe 2 Four Loco’s, a bootleg movie and that shrimp and broccoli from Asian Express and your night will go right as rain for the total cost of about 35 bucks.

Even the guy on the $100 bill said “A penny saved is a penny earned”
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, October 1, 2010

What Really Grinds My Gears: Music Edition

Without question I’m going to say “The War” and “The Problem” are the best tracks Wale ever made period (if you don’t agree with me write your own blog disproving me). I’m not a super Wale fan but this dude went into the booth and made two great fucking songs but these track weren’t featured on any CD, nope a mixtape you can download for free. Wale’s CD went triple wood and it was ok but his mixtapes shit on “Attention Deficit”. Then at the same time we got Chris Brown with the number 1 single in America “Deuces” and it’s off of another mixtape, when his album went aluminum. Artist seem to give their all on mixtapes putting out the greatest tracks you’ll probably never hear and when it comes to making music to make money not so much.

Subpar Video Hoes
It was a time when I turn to MTV Jams and I’d see some of the baddest half dressed women dancing around. Almost made me want to befriend a rapper (I couldn’t be an actual rapper I’m really quite shy when I’m not insulting people). Now I turn on the TV and I see the most run of mill average looking joints; prime example is the Roscoe Dash, Waka and Wale No Hands video. Some of the joints even look like they might smell bad. What the fuck happened to the plethora fine joins that was bouncing around in the Hey Papi video? Are there no new Melyssa Ford’s, no new Bria Myles’? Instead I get videos full of chicks that could work 3 cubicles over me. I don’t want that shit on my TV. Ya’ll are giving these middle of the road chicks hope. Somebody needs to hire me as a casting director I’ll weed all these 5’s and 6’s out of the lot and have those 7’s and 8’s on standby.

You worship the devil; cool do you. I hope you get a cool spot in hell. You’re a Free Mason; that’s great I’ve never been into that whole male secret society thing but if that you’re thing go with it. You’re part of Illuminati; I hear some spooky shit about them folks but who am I to knock you. All this might be hearsay and bullshit or it might be that real talk, not that I give a fuck either way but I am tired of Mr. Carter feeding into it. “Bitch I said I was amazing; not that I’m a Mason” - Jay-Z, but you damn sure didn’t say I’m not a Mason or I’m part of Illuminati instead you just feed the theory by not clearly saying yes or no. You can play this one of three ways...
1. Say “Yep I’m in on that shit how ya’ll think I got so paid and powerful”
2. Say “Nah I’m not part of any of that crazy shit they should have never gave you niggas the internet” Or...
3. (My personal favorite) shut the fuck about it. Stop putting bullets next to the Cross in videos. Stop saying slick shit that can be taken as a clever way to say “I’m down with Satan and them” and having dudes dressed like Taliban executioners holding torches and shit.

Release date push backs
How long doesn’t it really take to drop a CD? I’m going to assume it’s all recorded mastered and ready to hit the selves when you drop that first single. So if you got 3 singles with videos and a remix or two you might want to drop that CD (I’m looking at you Diddy I know the other members of Dirty Money don’t have a voice). Why is that shit not on the self of my local record store? You don’t know me either. Jeezy was supposed to drop TM3 on 9/28 instead he gave me a so so mixtape. You want know why people ain’t moving no units? Mixtape and release date push back you build up this buzz give away shit loads of free music then push your release date back to November 31st.

I’m starting my own label with no mixtapes fine bitches and no release push backs
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, September 24, 2010

Insults are new the compliments

*** Side note - Shout out to the dude that invented tights that look like jeans and shout out to girls who rock them when their shape is on smash. I know you just standing there minding your business but damn girl it looks like you’re doing wrong especially when your pants look painted on. ***

Me and random big butt chick (RBBC) standing in the break room as I buy a Coke with all nickels (yeah this might take a while).

Jean DeGrate - How tall are you?
RBBC - 5 feet and a quarter inch... hold on with or without heels?
JD - Well I was already thinking you’re pretty fucking short then I noticed you have on heels so I had to know how tall you were. You’re like 3 microwaves tall.
RBBC - Short is in
JD - Yeah everywhere except amusement parks
RBBC - Hold I can get on all the rides
JD - I'm going to need some pictures or some video footage on that, I just can’t chance that
RBBC - You don’t believe me
JD - Sorry I don’t know too many trustworthy midgets. But look on the Brightside you never need extra leg room. (As I walk out of the break room icy cold Coke in hand)

When I looked back at her she was all smiles like she just saw the Antoine Dodson YouTube clip for the first time. That got me to thinking “when was the last time I actually paid a female a real compliment?” I’m drawing a blank here but that’s probably because I’m an asshole and I’m so gifted at finding what I don’t like the most (so I think it’s time for a toast, Kanye). But has it stop me from attracting females without showering them with flattering remarks or being able to whisper sweet nothings into their ears while in close quarters? No not at all. Why you ask; because compliments are played (this is true unless you giving them Maino compliments “You the baddest bitch in here” which really goes across in a different light and may not be considered a compliment at all).

Too many variables
Compliments are done because its way too many variables on how it goes over. If an ugly dude compliments any chick (no matter how busted she might be herself) it will carry less weight simply because of who’s delivering it. Almost any nice thing that has been said before so every time you open your mouth with something sweet she’s heard it before. Compliments work the best when you aren’t trying to make a move on the subject of the compliment and that kind of defeats the purpose of it to start with. On the other hand a well delivered insult can turn any head no matter who it’s coming from. Making ill-mannered statements to members of the opposite sex has been immensely successful for me; I once referred to a female as “Big Head” during an entire outing and still smashed. I even get better results when I insult better looking and/or more confident women.

So go head make a snide comment with a smirk on your face disguised as a joke, if she doesn’t find it funny fuck it she probably wasn’t going to give you the time of day anyway. On second thought don’t listen to me I don’t want nobody getting smacked and blaming me for it if I’m not there to see it.

Insults are new the compliments, for me at least ,try at your own risk.

Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, September 20, 2010

What Do You Bring to The Table?

So I’m on an ex-girlfriend’s Facebook page, where she and her homies are going in on what men don’t bring to the table. Her exact status read “If you don’t have anything to bring to the table then don’t sit”. She goes on further to say “I guess this is why everybody is single... because men lost sight of their role as the provider. Just because women are working and handling their business, does that give men the right to slack off? Don’t back down, man up and accept the challenge.” Ok my first thought was “BITCH what do you bring to the table?” but I opted not to put that on her status.

I’m a provider
I provide for my daughter. I got a doll house in my living room with Barbie and all her homies chilling in it. I put food in her belly, clothes on her back, fulfill all her needs and do my best to cover all her wants, meaning when she points at some shit on TV I buy that. Then again; she’s my child, she’s my family I’m obliged to take care of her needs; as I am to hold my brother and mother down if need be. So yeah I’m a fucking provider for my family.

What will I provide for you?
You want drinks, dinner, maybe a movie or a night out on the town? Cool, I got all that, we don’t even have to wait to payday we can go today. I also provide good conversation that will keep you up the wee hours of the morning and having you feeling like you’re in high school all over again. I’ve been know put a smile on the face of the opposite sex from time to time, even invoke a chuckle or two. At the end of the day I provide entertainment and companionship but I also expect the same out of chick sitting at the other side of the dinner table.

Ms New Booty or Ms Current Booty or Ms Not My Wife/Fiancée
My last W-2 puts me at 100k+, but guess what your cut of that is? Guess how much I’ll be putting on your light bill/cable bill/rent for a place that I don’t turn a key at? Guess how much I’ll be dropping on your nails/hair? Guess how much I’m willing to spend to upgrade your wardrobe/shoe game? Not a muthafucking dime. I don’t trick PERIOD! If I got to reach in my pocket to upgrade your lifestyle yeah you got the wrong dude.

I’m not that guy
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, September 17, 2010

Oh So Random

Self Hate.
I hate my feet. They are really ugly, not that I desire to have pretty feet, but less hideous feet would be a plus. My feet strongly resemble a pair of Copper Foamposites that are kind of scuffed up, but I got a quick fix for that, I wear shoes and never ever ever ever take off my socks around a woman until after I get the pussy. I also hate my voice, if it wasn’t for the plethora of clever shit that comes of my mouth I wouldn’t talk at all. Like seriously I’d take up sign language and get a mean text game. My good friend Fatz once compared my voice to static.

Dating girls with strange names.
I really need to date more women with exotic/hood/foreign names. It’s like 1000 Nicole Smith’s in the DC area (I fucked about 4 of them) but do you know how hard it is to track down a Nicole Smith via FaceBook? It’s fucking impossible I’d need the cast from CSI, NCIS and Colombo to stand a fighting chance. From this day on I will never fuck another Nicole Smith as long as I live. I need me a chick with a name that begins with a “Z” like Zazumie.

All in My City’s Politics.
Primary election day has come and gone and all these “DMV” people (Non-DC Residents) were deeply interested in REAL DC residents’ mayoral politics and what not. Let me ask you this who’s the mayor/congressman/county councilman of Rockville or Bethesda or Hyattsville or Camp Springs or Clinton or Any town in near by MD? You don’t know that shit do you? That’s where you pay taxes at, but I got Go-Go band leaders living in Capitol Heights all on my radio pushing Fenty and these suburbanites all on my Twitter and FaceBook pushing Vince Gray. Fuck you. Stay in your lane and that lane is Seat Pleasant, MD. I don’t give a fuck who’s running for county sheriff in PG county, so why the fuck you care what’s happening over here.

And this is what happens when you just start typing
Jean DeGrate ain’t said shit

Friday, September 10, 2010

Our First Day of School

First off the teacher’s aid had a lace front bob and a slight mustache... now on with the blog.

I remember my first day of public school in the states, it was a fucking nightmare I cried and cried and cried. And that was before my mother left me in the classroom full of ugly kids. Apparently Madi is immune to ugly people, she grew up in the states all her life so she’s accustom to bald headed little girls with sparse cornrows, bearded/mustached women and little boys with bad braids that look months old. Madi is also an anti-social ass, if you’re talking to her and she doesn’t know you she automatically shuts down. She’s used to doing things on her own time so she wasn’t really getting into the groove of the structure they were trying to lay down but her acting out isn’t even noteworthy.

Standing outside of the club I mean the school...
Maybe mommies didn’t dress like this when I was I little rug rat or I just wasn't paying attention, either way my eyes are open now. These mothers were dressed to party, maybe it’s a Monday morning breakfast club I don’t know about. Every 4th chick toting a child behind her had them titties out and front cleavage on blast. Short skirts and high heals; tight jeans and low cut shirts I almost wanted to ask “Where you about to go? Where you work at?”

Daddy you’re a joke...
The entire class room was quiet except for the teacher introducing Mr. Butterfly, then my man Ian stands up and turns to his dad and says “Daddy you’re a joke” loudly. It took every fiber in my body not to laugh. I actually felt my body temperature rising while holding back the laughter. That was just the beginning with my man Ian who looked as if he was a baby linebacker. He wasn’t going for shit anyone was telling him. You want me to sit criss-cross applesauce (Pre-k for Indian style), FUCK THAT I'm going to stand here and look at you stupid. Oh dad you going to force me to sit down well you are going to have to stand here and hold me down because as soon as you let go I’m back up doing me. Its book reading time, FUCK THAT and FUCK THAT hungry caterpillar it’s time for me to play with these blocks. I spent most of my day waiting for Ian to pop off than I did listening to the teacher.

Old lady with the goatee don’t put that play food in your mouth...
Some poor little girl who is way too young to be embarrassed had the awful luck to have her bearded grandmother escort her to the first day of school. Grandma spent more time adjusting those droopy grandma titties than she did interacting with her grandchild. When she finally got them titties perfectly adjusted her grandchild and my daughter just happen to be at the same play station (the kitchen). Her granddaughter served her plate after plate of plastic food and this old biddy put her poly-grip dentures on every fake pea carrot and piece of chicken she got handed. I wanted to pour hand sanitizer in her mouth and yell “stop biting the play food you old fool”.

Yeah I wish I could get me a part time gig as an assistant principal
Jean DeGrate AKA Mr Feenie

Monday, July 12, 2010

And I wonder............

Sometimes I just sit around and ponder shit

I wonder what Danny Glover thinks about this new Mel Gibson foolishness. I mean he did 4 movies with this guy, it had to be some sign that he just might be a card carrying member of the KKK. And how many niggers are in a pack of niggers anyway?

I wonder why broke people have ring back tones like “Money to blow” or “I’m so paid”. Shouldn’t your ring back tone be more a reflection of you?

I wonder does Tiger Woods regret marrying a white ex-nanny. I’m not saying that black women are the bee’s knees but if he married Shamika that works at the 24/7 Day Care on H Street, she would be happy just not be a baby sitter anymore and out of the hood; Tiger could freely fuck all the Barbie looking chicks his heart desired.

I wonder do dead beat dads actually say “Fuck them kids, I’m doing me”.

I wonder how Rick Ross career survived stealing a man’s name (Freeway Ricky Ross Google him), working as a Correction Officer and beef with 50 Cent. This nigga might really be unstoppable. Furthermore I wonder what the real Rick Ross feel like when he introduce himself to somebody and say “My name is Rick Ross” and they reply “Like the rapper?”.

I wonder why women get upset when somebody says they wouldn’t fuck them. Women get to beefing when somebody ain’t down to date or crack them even if that woman would never date that man. (IE John Mayer and Tiger Woods)

I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with a woman with a famous baby daddy. I could almost imagine it... Coming home to a Maybach parked in your drive way, next door neighbor running up telling you that he thinks Swiss Beats is in your back yard playing catch with your step son. Walk thru the door and this nigga holding your remote control with his feet up on your coffee table. Every year his Christmas gifts shitting on yours, his family vacations shitting on yours and every time he pop up it’s like everybody pause.

I wonder what's it like to be a Mexican in Arizona

What do you wonder about?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, June 14, 2010

Things I’ve learned 2.0

Being considered sexy is a thousand times better than being cute.
Cute is a fragile state and can be shattered by the slightest thing i.e. if a girl thinks you are cute then catches you digging up your nos,e that shit is over.

If she has a tattoo on her breast it’s a strong possibility that it’s some heavy mileage on that pussy.

Women with big arms shouldn’t get tattoos on them they look like arm wrestling bikers.

Nodding, smiling and a occasional “oh ok” can get you thru most conversations.

Sex is great and when it’s with somebody you love it’s just as great, but the urge to put your clothes on and go the fuck home isn’t as strong.

There is nothing wrong with drinking alone, but there is something wrong with getting drunk alone.

People are a disappointment as a whole, if you expect it in advance, less of what they do seems to affect you.

Money isn’t the route to all evil; the stupid shit people do to get money is.

Some days you’re just better than others and it’s nothing you can do about it.

When all the work that is done to get sex is considered, that shit really doesn’t seem worth it so it’s best not to think about it.

Money can buy you happiness it just depends where you are shopping for it, but it can’t buy you love.

A gun is worth its weight in gold.

Only 3 guys in the history of man looked ok with a “U” cut Ben Franklin, Patrick Steward and Uncle Phil.

A dude is only wrong the 1st time he hits his girl, all ass whoopings after that she approved by sticking around to get them.

Good Samaritans exist; I never seen so many helping hands as I did when the snow shut down my city.

Always be leery of a dude whose watch cost more than his car.

Women are concerned with what society thinks of them.

Men are only concerned with what the women they are trying to fuck and the people that are paying him thinks of them.

30 in and still learning
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, May 28, 2010

She’s not even on my level; the cheating shock factor

It’s always a super big blow to almost any woman who encounters the sideline chick her man was cheating with. Most women can’t grasp the downward slide so I'm going to break it down:

Women normally up cheat:
It’s much easier for a woman to cheat up than it is for man, simply because if a dude won’t bun you, it damn sure don’t mean he won’t fuck you and fuck you on the regular. I’ve hit more than my fair share of women that weren’t relationship material in my time knowing damn well they weren’t girlfriend material the entire time. I’m not the only guy; men across the map live for the easy bucket BKA, the women already in the relationship trying to step out. Sex with no strings attached is so hot in the streets from a man’s perspective.

Men normally cheat down:
Unless he’s dealing with a chick that’s cheating herself it’s very unlikely for a dude to cheat parallel or even upgrade from his current mate in an ongoing affair. Most guys will find a chick slightly (sometimes way) below his normally dating standards that’s willing to go with the dumb shit he’s bringing to the table (like the dream about being single or on the verge of breaking up with your girl when it’s become obvious that’s not the case). Her self-esteem, income or education levels are normally low as well and sometimes it’s all 3.

She does the things you won’t do or the things you don’t do anymore:
Its several perks to having a sideline chick, because they are normally super slutty i.e. she just might give you head while you stand at the bar in a nightclub and it’s no way in hell your girl would do something like that. Oh yeah, the sideline is always ready to give up that becky; in the drive thru, in the movies, sitting in the house watching the game she down for swallowing them kids. She’s always in the mood to get it popping no foreplay needed. And what type girl is that? The type of girl that is eager to please because she is just happy to have him around period so she’ll do what she has to do to keep him there.

No Drama:
With good-looking women come issues. It seems like the better she looks the more issues and the reverse can be said of the less attractive woman. Yeah, that’s all no examples or further explanation needed.

He cheats with lesser females because it’s easier
Jean DeGrate has spoken

3 of the codes I live by

The Uptown Code: If she rolling let her roll:
*Rolling: ready to participate in sexual intercourse with relative ease.* My uptown brethren and I roll by this code that most other guys wouldn’t be able to see the greater good in. If my girl or any female of significance seems to be interested in giving my homie the ass, he got the pass to go head and tap that; better yet please tap that then take pictures. Why? Well, because sometimes “Hey I think your girl is biting” just doesn’t cut; she ain’t biting until you’ve been bitten. A lot of times folks can’t take the longtime homie’s word over a female, even if he’s only known her for a short time, because in poetic words of Eve (from the Ruff Ryders set) “Love is blind and it will take over your mind” that is unless your good homie hits you up at 2am saying “I just smashed your girl she’s in the bathroom when she comes back out I'mma hand her the phone”. Why is this necessary? You don’t really know what your love interest might be up to but if she giving Andre from 3rd street the pussy on the side you may never find out but if she smashed the homie you’ll be in the know off top. Just imagine Ms New Booty got you believing she is Ms Right then 2 kids and 7 years later you find out she been stepping out on you the whole time; if the homie had smashed you wouldn’t have made that far. Necessary evil indeed.

APS AKA Aeropostale Syndrome (Yeah the clothing store):
A long time ago my man Slick and I had a hook-up at Aeropostale but the only problem with that was neither of us shopped at Aeropostale. One day we were determined to use this hook-up before the girl quit the store. We walked around that store for hours until that mediocre bullshit started to look appealing; we just kept seeing things that we didn’t see before or at least we thought we hadn’t seen before. What was actually happening is our standards were gradually lowering based on the selection around us. I’ve come to realize that APS extends far beyond subpar clothing stores, but is even more applicable in the dating world. I readily apply this theory to when I see people dating outside of their normal realm without the blatant reasons for exception, i.e. money or a phenomenal body. This person just hung around long enough for the object of their affection standards to lessen to their level of appeal, i.e. the entire premise behind the movie “Just Wright” even though that would never happen. Since that day in Aeropostale I’ve made it a point to remember my first impression on people and things and the reason why I viewed it in that light so now if anything or anyone grows on me with time it’s because it was something that I didn’t notice before not because it was around so long I just got cool with it.

Never let them play you like a hoe without a repercussion:
This doesn’t mean hoe in the traditional sense as in pimps and hoes or even as in a loose female, but in the sense of getting fucked over. Who doesn’t like to fuck over a hoe? People are boundary pushers by nature if somebody worked you over once and it went over without any kick backs, you better believe they are going to go back in for some more because you are sweet. The first time somebody steps out of line with you check them right then and there, chances are they won’t try you again, but for every time you let them play you like a hoe you’ll have to do something more out of character than you would have to if you would have stopped them in the beginning. Think of the guy that owes you 20 bucks that acts like he forgot and you just let it slide; yep you just got played like a hoe. How about the time your girl left you watching her purse and jacket in the club while she disappeared for 45 minutes like you were playing coat check and bingo you got played like a hoe. These are minor infractions that start a snowball effect into bigger problems that take bigger steps to rectify. So that guy that borrowed 20 from you, still owes you that 20 plus another 100 from betting on the Boston/Cleveland series then he got tipsy at the cook-out and pushed up on your girl. Now the right thing to do would be to beat this nigga’s ass while his kids watch but if you would have told him to run your money when that 1st Friday came around, he would have never done none of that other shit. It’s actually your fault people only do to you what you allow them to do.

This is just some of the things that keep the bullshit out of my life
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Things That Bother Me

When I hear busted bitches talking about they done with men:
Word, you done with men? Come on son, how many male suitors could you possibly have? Let me see a picture of the dude that did you wrong. Baby if you have finally decided to give up on men I’m sure all 6 of the dudes that were pushing up on you will just move on to the next busted chick. Everybody wins.

When girls have sick hips and thighs, but no ass at all:
I see you walking in my direction with them thighs looking like you used to run track or something with that small waist line. It’s a 90% chance that I won’t shoot my shot but it’s a 100% chance that once you walk pass me, I will look back only to get an eye full of all bad. It’s 2010 then can track down the genetic coding that gives you blue eyes but they can’t track down that flat ass gene and eradicate it?

Exposed raisin belly and/or muffin top
Ok you’ve pushed out a seed or two and now you’re stomach looks a tiger stripped elephant skin but you insist on wearing shirts to expose that mid-section to the world. Girl you know that shit ain’t good for anybody. What if I got weak stomach? Now you just being inconsiderate to the general public. The muffin top is a whole other monster; that leather-ish floatation device you keep unsuccessfully tucked under your ill-fitting clothing. Why must it be visible? You know that shit aint sexy and you know you dead wrong. A company made a shirt that is 4 inches longe,r to hide plumber butt, I’ll have to come with the shirt that’s 4 inches longer to hide the unsightly gut.

Andre 3000:
You’re album is like Dr. Dre’s “Detox “, but people actually believe yours is coming out and think it will be good. Sorry Dr. Dre, but nobody gives a fuck about that Detox album but you and the idiot writers for the music magazines that keep bringing this shit up. Ok now back to Mr. Benjamin. You’re not making movies and your clothing line flopped like a Lil Flip CD so what are you doing? We ain’t heard from since John Legend’s “Green light” so where is the CD? Big Boi is all over the place making straight to DVD movies, guest starring on crime dramas as the token black guy, selling pit bulls and doing guest features. All the while you are just sitting around in the house trying on bowties and doing Yoga or some other dumb shit. Give us a mixtape or something dude.

Dudes in super deep V-neck T-shirts:
I’m a bit conservative when it comes to depth of the V in the neck of my T-shirt; it’s pretty much a slight dip in the neck of my shirt. If I had a tattoo on my chest you’d never see i. I expose none of my chest period (but I’m also the dude that doesn’t wear tank tops at all). Now some folks might wear their V-necks a bit lower and if thats what you are feeling, well do you but some dudes take this shit off the deep end (pun intended). I don’t want to see your chest dude I don’t need to see you man cleavage and it’s very gay of you to unveil it to the world. Why would you want a shirt that shows the bottom of your chest and/or the top of your stomach? Nobody needs that much collar room.

The very thin line between fly and gay:
Once upon a time you could almost certainly tell if a dude was gay by what he was wearing. The guy in the small brightly colored T-shirt and tight stoned washed jeans could be easily classified as gay (or a rock star because all rock stars dressed like gays back in the day it was a rule in the record industry) it was a no brainer. That’s because no straight dude (or any dude pretending to be straight) would be seen walking the streets dressed like that. Now a dude can walk out the door wearing rocking purple air tight skinny jeans, a smedium T-shirt with a pair of multi-colored dunks and you wouldn’t have the slightest idea of what team he plays for (not that it’s anything wrong with that) but when the fuck did looking like a man go out of style.

This is why I do this shit... I think they call this venting - Drake “Fear”
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, May 17, 2010

Questions Women Ask That I Hate

So what are we doing exactly?
This question normally comes up after about 2 to 3 weeks of chilling and by chilling I mean hanging out, dating and fucking. I know what we are doing and I assume she knows what we are doing too because she was there but instead of saying “Hey I’m trying to be your girlfriend so what’s up?” she’ll turn to me and ask “So what are we doing exactly?” Unfortunately the automatic response to “So what are we doing exactly?” is immediate stuck face 3 to 7 second pause then reply “We chilling”. I mean really what did you think I was going to say? Off that question alone I might just dip on your ass because you doing too much (refer to Why We Dip).

Be honest what do you think of me?
Chances are before she asked me that question I had never thought about it. Why? Because dudes don’t think about shit like that; it’s like this; she’s cool so we going to keep getting up with each other until a. she pisses me off b. I realize we got a ceiling or c. I get to digging her for real. Don’t force me to think about you outside of us having fun right now because it’s a strong chance I’ll see your faults in HD. So when you ask “Be honest what do you think of me?” just except that “You’re cool and fun to be around” response. I don’t even give up the “fun to be around” part “cool” works just fine for me solo.

Do your friends know about me?
Why would my friends know about you? I’m not a 16 year old girl so I don’t have to get up with all my homies and talk about it every time I meet someone. If you’ve ever seen a dude talk about a girl with his friends you’ll notice that men don’t even really use names. We normally give you a nickname based on 3 things a. where you live (Hawaii avenue joint) b. where we met you (Ben’s Chili Bowl joint) or c. your most impressive body part (phat butt joint). If you get to being important you’ll get a name but you will no longer be a part of the conversation among the homies because those conversations are based on our “adventures” and guys don’t have those types of “adventures” with their girls. To further prove my point I found out my best friend was in a relationship and living with the girl via FaceBook real talk.

If your friend asked who I was to you what would you say?
In a nutshell, if you’re not my girl, you’re a chick I chill with; end of story. What the fuck should I say? You are the sunshine of my life? You complete me? I don’t know what ya’ll expect on that one, but females love to put a title on shit; just can’t let shit be.

You know what just don’t ask me no questions I’m pleading the 5th to everything
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Why We Dip (Yep I’m guilty we includes me)

Ok so this morning I was on (VSB) reading “6 Hard to Master Skills Every Man Must Possess” and one of those skills was successfully breaking up with a woman because sometimes dudes just bounce. And by bounce I mean just dip and fall off the face of the earth we don’t accept your calls, texts, emails, twitter DM’s or smoke signals. So anyway The Champ of VSB put a link on the blog to another blog “Without a Trace” by an Ms Jamilah Lemieux giving the woman’s point of view after getting dipped on and I know it’s wrong but I was crying laughing but that shit was so real. So ladies and gentlemen this is why we dip...

We woke up not feeling like talking to you
This is an unexplained phenomenon among men some days we don’t feel like talking to certain people and today was your day and you didn’t do anything wrong. Now what you did after that initial phone call/text/email is what caused us to dip. Did you send several texts stating shit like “Are you ignoring me” or “Hello” or “Are you OK”? I especially hate the “Are you OK” text because if I’m not what the fuck are you going to do? Nothing at all; that’s what. Did you call several times back to back take a pause for a few hours they start that shit all over again? Did you write something on his FaceBook wall, check the time stamp of his last tweet and cross examine it with the time of your first call and/or send several emails to his job and personal email accounts? If so you just landed in the this bitch if crazy folder and would really like to call you back but we don’t feel like explaining ourselves to your crazy ass or coming up with some elaborate lie for why we’ve been ducking you and eventually you’ll stop calling so fuck it.

We were doing something when you called
It doesn’t matter if I’m shooting pool, watching “The Dark Knight” for 163rd time, having a heated debate we the dude that sits two cubicles over from me about how Kaiser Sosae (The Usual Suspects) was the best movie villain ever or whatever I was doing at the time that I considered more important than whatever you might have to say; I wasn’t picking up that phone. I really meant to call you back but it totally slipped my mind and that 1 day turned into 4 days then I look at my call log and say “oh shit”. But on the other hand she ain’t called me either so to avoid the awkwardness of trying to spark a conversation with a chick I normally speak to everyday and now I haven’t spoken to in a week I just won’t call. Yeah it’s really that simple.

You are super clingy or just doing too much
Real talk instead of saying “Shawty you doing too much” or “Shawty you stifling a nigga I can’t fucking breathe let me get some time to myself” we opt not to take your calls anymore. Instead of getting in an argument that will probably end up in us not talking anymore anyway we can end it here with the end button that the cell phones companies intended for us to use. Yeah it’s the sucker way out I guess, but should I really have to deal with the aggression of person I’m clearly not planning on knowing anymore?

You have excellent sex
You clearly are not the one for me by no stretch of the imagination can I see us being even remotely good for each other, but what you do to me in the bedroom will keep me coming back despite of my better judgment. Before I know it you’ll be pregnant, moving in, putting your cell phone in my name, opening a joint bank account and shopping for engagement rings all because what we do behind closed doors done made me lose my mind. So while I’m still of sound mind I’m going to run from your ass like the cops are chasing me and that includes not taking your calls or any kind of other contact.

Yeah I won’t be taking that call
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Young Chick vs. Old Chick

I once said that the only difference between a young chick and an old chick is more stuff. More experience, more baggage, more wrinkles and more mileage. Yeah it’s more to it than that, so let me put you up on what I’ve learned (a young chick 18 - 23 and the older chick 29 -34).

Women do mature faster than men (unfortunately that’s not only mentally) Women start falling off either after that first kid or around 24 that metabolism starts to slow down and the party nights of club cardio get farther and farther apart. So once those 30’s come around she already well into her decline (unless she got up off her ass and hit that gym or just good genetics) with an attitude that’s oblivious to the fact that her body has been involved in a losing battle with gravity and fast food. Somebody show this chick her senior class year book; advantage young chick.

She don’t really get what I’m saying
I’m quick to quote a movie or song to reference something I’m talking about right now i.e. “Yeah he went and got him an African chick like Eddie”. But I know damn well the young chick has never seen “Raw” shit she might not even know that Eddie Murphy ever did stand up comedy. She’ll nod her head maybe give me a charity chuckle then get quiet on me. If I bring up something I read in the Washington Post this morning or voice my opinion on how dumb that Euro currency move was, she won’t feel me or put up an argument telling me why my theory is flawed; instead she’ll smile and nod. The world economy don’t effect her she don’t have a 401k or an account with E-Trade; advantage old chick.

Her time with you is going to cost you
You could be funnier than Dave Chappelle with better conversation than Anderson Cooper, have all of her favorite drinks in the bar at your house, be a trained gourmet chef and you’d still have to take the old chick out then spend top dollar for the next 3 hours of her time. Her favorite food in the whole wide world could be the Jack Daniel Buffalo wings from TGI Friday’s but tonight since it’s on you, Ruth Chris is as good a place as any. Now on the other hand with the young chick if she thinks you’re cool ya’ll could go sit on the steps of Lincoln Memorial while skipping stones in the reflection pool as long as she’s having a good time she’s down for it; advantage young chick.

You ain’t showing her shit new
It very well may be easier to reinvent the wheel than it is to come up with something new to do with an old chick. Trust me she has seen everything eaten everything done everything and putting her on to something fresh is almost impossible unless she’s been trapped in a cave for the last 10 years. Not only that, you might try to hip the old chick on something and she might correct you then clown you for being wrong (silly little nigga trying to drop knowledge). With the young chick the world is new to her and you can play tour guide; advantage young chick.

She’s an exhibitionist
No movies, no dinner just 3 good phone conversations and that young chick will do a bathroom photo shoot just for you. If you were wondering what she looks like naked she’ll clear that right up for you way before you ever get around to undressing her in person. Yeah and all that sounds great but it doesn’t make you special Andre from 3rd street, Jake that used to take English Comp with her and Mike that gives her free coffee at Starbucks all got the same treatment. The older chick might send you a freaked out picture way after you’ve already smashed and they normally only focus on body parts she favors (probably because their entire package ain’t as tight as it used to be). Advantage old chick simply because if you get a picture it means something; you know the young ones love to sext.

She got her own
The chances of a young chick living on her own are slimmer than the Olson twins; trust it will be a Full House. You wanna come over sure why not? You’ll be stuck in the living room with her and Grandma watching Wheel of Fortune drinking a glass of thick red syrup they claim is Kool-Aid (instant diabetes). The old chick may or may not have some rug rats running around but by the time she put them to bed you’ll have privacy. Every other night mission doesn’t have to be at your house and if she got kids almost all of them will be at her house for sure; advantage old chick.

She’s tainted
Almost every chick got a “Somebody Done Done Me Wrong” song but the old chick got a “Somebody Done Done Me Wrong” song hit list. Oh they have been fucked over time and time again and as optimistic as she might seem she’s bitter deep down inside. You will feel some sort of heat for some dude that tap danced on her heart before you even knew she existed because something you just did reminded her of something he used to do. The young chick doesn’t have those issues, sure she might have been in a bad relationship or two but none of that will held against you; advantage young chick.

She lack substance
Sure everybody is cool and interesting off top because you don’t know them so everything about them is new to you. Once you get pass those first few weeks with the young chick you know where she went to school, her middle name, favorite color, movie and pastime. Now you pretty much out of shit to talk about, those long conversation’s you used to have are much shorter and instead of picking up the phone you normally opt to send a text. With the old chick if you got chemistry you got conversation it doesn’t matter if it’s one week, one month or one year later; advantage old chick.

Now before you old bitties and young chicks get all upset there are exceptions to every rule. Are you that exception? Probably not but there is the young chick with the old soul and the old chick that still thinks she’s 21; maybe she took that Jay-Z 30 is the new 20 statement and ran with it.

I’m sure I left a few things out expect a part 2
Jean DeGrate has spoken

See this and more at

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Just Random II (Just My Thoughts)

I hate to see women wearing jeans with no pockets
Why would you buy denim tights? Real talk I won’t even talk to a chick wearing no pocket jeans (unless she super phat you; got to draw the line somewhere). Where do you even buy pocketless jeans? “Ya’ll got jeans with no pockets? Cool; let me get two pairs.”

Recording artist I think I can beat up
So I’m sitting at my desk listening to the first John Legend CD (Get Lifted) straight classic but its one song I normally skip past called “Alright”. The premise of the song is John Legend pushing up on this girl that’s with her dude in the club while he is drunk. Man I would beat John Legend’s ass; I mean this shit would make TMZ I’d have my very own YouTube clip called celebrity beat down. John Legend already looks like he already living on the softer side of life, he needs to be the last guy trying to take anybody’s girl.

Walking with a switch when you have a subpar ass
About two weeks ago, this woman is coming towards me with this mean walk ,as soon as she passed I had to look back to see what she was working with. I look back... and nothing. I wasn’t expecting Buffie the body or anything in that range just some quality cheekage because she was switching like she was carrying something. Instead I get an eye full of subpar ass almost concave butt; yeah all bad. Then over the next few days this switching and bad cheek combo was all over the place and it draws unnecessary attention to your unflattering ass.

Shiny Nickels
The world is filled with assortment of 5’s tall, short, skinny, fat, oddly shape, etc. If you’re looking for a 5 just about any flavor is literally around the corner. It just blows my mind that every other chick is a 5 star, dime or whatever women are referring to themselves as now a days but it’s just a slew of polished up make-up upped alarmingly average women. I still ain’t never met a 10 in my entire life.

Zoe Saldana - Super Overrated
I have seen about 15 Zoe flicks including Avatar, Drum Line, Losers and lastly Death at a Funeral. She is cute and rail thin, she is pretty much the black Gwyneth Paltrow minus the ability to carry a movie on her own. Every roll she has played to date, I can imagine somebody else playing it better (well maybe not Drum Line but everything else for sure). She seems to be filling the void that Halle Berry left behind when the casting directors started looking for a new black chick that looks good playing opposite of a white man. When you see her kissing that white man in the mouth you immediately think “Yeah I can go for that she looks like the type” and she’s built like a typical white woman which just makes it even more believable. Once I get pass that she does nothing for me, I’ve never had a “Zoe just killed that role” moment ever but she doing like 5 movies a year and ain’t crushing shit. She’s like Terrance Howard right after everybody realized Crash was the peak of his career and Zoe’s was Avatar. Not that she did a good a job but she was blue naked and in 3D, come on son you can’t top that even if the Navi language bears a striking similarity to baby talk.

Why I May Become a Dirty Old Man
It seems like I may never settle down with somebody in my age bracket. Why you ask, because the women my age are mostly busted and I’m only 30. So what does 40 have in store for me? I’m not freakishly young looking but they still ID me when I go buy a pack off blacks. I come across chicks 18 that look 25 and 25 looking 32 it’s like a seven year slide on these women. These chicks like Benjamin Button they might have been born old. How I can I call myself settling down with a chick 4 years my junior looking 3 years my senior? Face 30 body 34 and mind 25 no dice; way too much hard living.

“And when I was 5 my favorite movie was the Gremlins it ain’t got shit to do with this I just thought that I should mention” - Lil Wayne ‘Sky is the limit’

Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Like done fucked up the pussy for me

It’s something about love (like actually) at first sight that just kills my swag on sight.

I’ve only liked about 5 girls on first sight and I mean that day dreaming about us picnicking, going to wine tastings, paddle boating (all things that I won’t do in a regular state of mind) and a gang of other corny shit my pride won’t allow me to type. From that moment my dormant ‘nice guy’ gene becomes hyperactive and turns me from Jean DeGrate to Jean DeLame; it’s really some sad shit. Here’s one of the stories...

The Prelude
It was early spring of 2002 and my man Greg (fake name) put me on with one of his girlfriend’s homies, her name was Nicole (real name). Greg told me she was a “cute joint”, which means she could be anywhere from a 5 to an 8 on the hook up protocol rating scale and normally when a guy is looking for a dude for a female friend of his girlfriend, it normally means she’s a lonely bitch.

Yeah all that shit was way off.
She was going to Howard staying on campus at the time so I decided to throw on something and walk around the corner and meet this chick. I put on a Latrell Sprewell New York Knicks Nike swingman jersey with a tank top under it, a pair of Silver Tab Levi’s and some beat up tan Timberland boots. My hair wasn’t brushed (I was a bald head back then) and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t clean shaved. So here I am walking up to the Towers (a dorm at HU, looking like an extra from “New York Undercover”, looking for a girl I’ve never seen before. She walks up to me while talking to me on my cell “saying I think you are directly in front of me” and she was cute as shit. She kind of reminded me of Lark Voorhies (Lisa from “Saved by the Bell”) with that girl next door pretty. She fit perfectly into my preconceived idea of what my girlfriend should look like: brown skin, long hair (that grew out of her head), about 5’3 and slim build with curves. I was on stuck before I got the “Oh I see you” reply out of mouth.

And let the lame shit begin:
We sat on that wall in front of the Towers for like 2 hours (sitting on a brick wall for two hours will have your ass feeling like hamburger meat); I was soaking up her words like a Shamwow soaks up water. I can’t remember shit she said to date, but that night I could recite that entire conversation like the national anthem. The moment I stepped on the other side of my door I was calling my man Greg to call his gir, to see what Nicole said about me; I was beyond pressed. She eventually called me that night and stayed on the phone with her until she fell asleep (yeah it was downright gay).

More lameness.
Her dorm mate was a cubby chick but they were homies and to help her lose weight she decided it would be a good idea for them to start jogging in the mornings. What does any of that have to with anything, you say? Well since I used to run track (in the 4th grade I conveniently forgot to mention how long ago it was) I offered my expertise. At the time I didn’t have to be at work until 1030 in the morning so my eyes didn’t open before 830am EVER and to add icing to the lame shit I don’t run, that’s like my motto; DeGrate don’t run. Never the less here I am at 6am doing stretches preparing to do laps around this track. This wasn’t even a one time event for like a week straight I’d hop out of bed walk down to HU wait for them to come out do 5 or 6 laps around the track and walk my happy ass home. I wasn’t even in running shape but pride and Jesus kept me from passing out. I’d literally go home sit in a tub of hot water, rubbing alcohol and Epson salt, but like (not love) got my ass out the bed the next morning to do it again.

The PEAK of LAME and I should have jumped off and killed myself.
(Real talk I’m staring at the screen trying to find the best way to word this shit to make me look the least lame as possible. Just thinking about it reaffirms why she cut me off like a Mexican with a switchblade.) At this time Nicole and I been chopping it up pretty heavy for like a good 8 days; she saw me like almost twice a day (including jogging). She snuck me into the dorm, bypassing the sign-in process at the time this meant nothing to me so I figured I was going home anyway. We were in the room, chilling and she was playing me close but for some strange reason when I’m in serious ‘like’ with a chick my “she’s trying to give you some pussy” detector just doesn’t function well (I might have to check into that). So she stepped it up a notch and began to change in front of me and I actually looked away; like I was really trying not to look at her get underdressed (anti-pussy move). After she switches into the Adina Howard outfit (T-Shirt and panties) it’s time to go to sleep and I should spend the night. So here I am grown ass man with a count in the triple digits laying next to a half naked attractive girl that I’m seriously digging, in jeans and a tank-top then she turns to me and says “Don’t you want to take your jeans off?” I reply “Nah I’m good” then proceed to go to sleep. It wasn’t until I was halfway home and started to do the night’s recap in my head that I realized that I smoothly worked my way out of the pussy.

Soon after that Nicole stop talking to me and her exact quote to my man’s girl for her reason,“He’s extremely attractive but I don’t like anything else about him”.

That “Nah I’m good” line haunts me to this day
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Don’t Blame It on the Alcohol

“A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts” or in my case (and probably yours too) actions because I'm going to act a fool.

About once a year I get wasted and I mean memory hazy, calling Earl, making a fool of myself, stupid drunk; that time of year is normally my birthday. I do a few things I wouldn’t normally do, not saying I wouldn’t normally want to do them, but the drink just gives me a fuck it attitude, so I push it to the limit. While being drunk off my ass I’ve fondled 100’s of women (sorry ladies), threw a dude down a flight of stairs, choked a 7-11 employee, had sex on the hood of a car, and an assortment of other dumb shit I probably shouldn’t ever mention. That little voice in my head that says “JD don’t even think about doing that dumb shit” takes an elongated cigarette break and returns around the same time I’m pealing myself out of the bed the next morning while trying to piece together my night.

"When anyone drinks there is a neurological and psychological regression, and the higher the blood alcohol level, the more primitive and hostile the response that comes out. Alcohol can't make you think or feel things." according to Gary L. Malone, MD, an addiction psychiatrist and the Medical Director and Chief of Psychiatry at Baylor All Saints Medical Center in Fort Worth, Texas.

Short term effects of alcohol include; difficulty walking, blurred vision, slurred speech, slowed reaction times, impaired memory and blackouts, and breaks down inhibitions

They try to do like Jamie and blame it on the liquor.

I’ve heard so many stories of when people pushed the fault for their actions on an unsuspecting beverage; shit I’ve been guilty of that a few times myself (like that time I was off the Sal in Philly during Temple’s 2003 homecoming but that’s another story for another time).

Like that time you got drunk and fucked the gorilla looking chick that lives 3 building over from you, that helped you up the stairs while you were stumbling in the house drunk. You might want to blame the drink but in reality your dick was hard, she was down and nobody was around to judge.

You had them drinks in you when that guy told you he just wanted to give you head, then chopped the box for like 90 seconds before he got to stroking. It’s not the Goose/Nuevo combo that got you tripping or that you haven’t had some slight in a really long time; it’s really because you are a bit easier than you’d like to believe but pushing it off on Mr. Grey Goose just makes you feel better about yourself.

You came home fried from the club got in an argument with your girl and ended up putting your hands on her. You and her both will try to blame it an assortment of shit but at the end of the day you’re a woman beater.

Outside of passing out, calling earl and just being a clumsy fuck (like that time I fell and broke the camera stand in the club) all the shit you do under the influence is all part of who you really are it’s time to just face it.

I have seen 5 Patron lemon drops turn a ‘stand up’ chick into a table dancer but real talk, that table dancer was always in her.

Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, March 19, 2010

Why I’m so knowledgeable...

To many people, I may seem wise well beyond my years and why is that you ask? Because I’m Jean DeGrate and being on top of my shit is my number one goal in life. How else could I drop knowledge to the masses with my comedic panache? Ok you’re not buying that shit? Well here’s the real...

I’m a people watcher (mostly black people; I’m trying to get my white people watching game up but it’s kind of hard to watch them without being questioned by the cops)

I was born here in DC but from the ages of 4 thru 6 I lived in Trinidad and went to Catholic school, so when I enrolled in DC Public Schools I was like an alien trying to learn your strange American ways. My first 3 years in Meyer Elementary were split between fighting and trying to imitate the shit ya’ll was doing, so I could fit in (hey I was only 6 don’t judge me). It wasn’t until about the time I hit the 4th grade that I had fully come into my own swag and carved out my own lane but I never stopped, like some of ya’ll would tune into a VH1 reality show. I’d watch my peers, my teachers, my mother’s friends, my uncles, my crack heads; absolutely nobody was off limits to my people study, I might be an amateur anthropologist. It just turned out that my study of people lead me to a better understanding of my peers and my gift of gab made it easier for me to relate my findings to you. Funny thing is people really aren’t that different from one another real talk, something that is funny to girl A. is probably funny to girl B thru F and something that pisses off boy E. is equally irritating to boy A thru D.

I got a bullshit filter

Do you know all the words to a song you hate? Can you name 4 members of the cast of ‘Family Matters’? Do you know all the words to the McDonalds filet of fish commercial? Do you know who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Now I’m betting all of you answered yes to at least 2 of these questions and you want to know why? You have no bullshit filter so you pick up all this utterly useless information and it sticks with you not that it’s anything wrong with that I just don’t.

I read the paper and watch MSNBC & CNN

Local news is full of shit neither you nor I really need to know like those updates on Elgin & Tiger Woods or the heart wrenching story of Corey Haim’s drug overdose. Yeah this might be great for conversation in the break room or an interesting twitter/FaceBook status. At the end of the day how does any of this information help you? So to avoid any of this shit I consider fluff news I read the paper and avoid local news. So while you might be picking up helpful tips about online shopping for underwear, I’m learning what Ben Bernanke and them are doing to keep mortgage interest rates low. Do you even know who Ben Bernanke is without going to Google? Probably not but you have chapters of knowledge on Octo-mom and I guess that’s a plus.

I hate not knowing shit

Nothing bothers me more than when somebody asks me a question based on factual information that I can’t answer. It hurts my soul to say “I don’t know” I got to know; I need to know. I got a strong thirst for knowledge. I play Jeopardy with my co-workers every night so I can be even more on top of my shit.

Oh and I got an IQ of 131 real talk
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

We “EXCLUSIVE” but he ain’t my man

On Monday a friend of mind asked me “Why do men say we are exclusive instead of committing? What’s the difference? If he is only dealing with me and I’m only dealing with him why not just be together?” And here is the difference and the reasons why you’re not quite his girl.

1. She don’t have to know; she’s not my girl

It’s certain things he won’t do because he may have to tell his girl but the unofficial girlfriend line isn’t really clear as most of you would like it to be. Your exclusive meaning he won’t stick his dick in anybody else but that doesn’t mean he not taking the girl’s number who always flirts with him in the elevator or calling that cute chick from the bar last week the moment he gets off the phone with you. Matter of fact here’s a prime example and a true story...

Mike goes with Dave to see these chicks to play wingman. While they are at the young ladies’ residence, Mike drank 2 shots of Patron, out of Ms. Wingman’s cleavage, let her massage his joystick, for about 45 seconds and palmed that ass one good time on his way out the door. Did he smash? Nope, so the exclusive agreement remains unbreached but it’s definitely something his “Exclusive” girl would frown about ,good thing he doesn’t have to tell her.

2. I’m not obligated to do it

There are things he will do for his girl that he won’t do for Ms. Exclusive

The degree of moving help
Your man will cancel all plans go pick up the U-Haul get to the spot early in the morning and stay until the job is done. He even comes back the next day to help unpack all your shit and break the new place in, if he didn’t spend the night.
Your exclusive dude will show up mid day but he will tell you were those Mexican day workers can be found.

If you’re broke
Your man will toss you some bucks to make ends meet.
Your exclusive dude will take you out to make you feel better about being broke.

If you get a flat coming home late at night
Your man will come out to meet you and change your tire and then take you to get a replacement the next day so you won’t be riding on a donut.
Your exclusive dude will look up tow truck numbers for you and remind you to stand out of the road, but will sound real sympathetic while he’s doing it

3. Commitment is Commitment

Once he says “You’re my girl” it’s real he’s cutting off all those chicks that are just hanging around and ready to make a move when he makes their phone ring. He changes his Facebook status from ‘single’ to ‘in a relationship’ (and even his momma is on Facebook) so the whole wide web knows, even the girl he doesn’t really know but she is phat as fuck that sent him a friend request this morning. He allows your hot pink toothbrush to sit on the edge of his sink and your Oil of Olay bodywash to sit in his shower instead of tucking all that shit away the second your out the door.

Making the jump from exclusive to commitment is really a world away. Exclusive means you get dibs on the weekends and he is only fucking you. For most dudes that doesn’t even mean you’ll get a Valentine’s Day present; I mean after all you’re not his girl ,a single rose from the Latino 3rd street will do just fine.

Commitment is a big deal and exclusive not so much.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, March 1, 2010

5 Little known facts about Jean DeGrate

1. Ladies if you want to have sex with me just put my dick in your mouth, gets me in the mood every time guaranteed

It’s been many times that I’ve fallen asleep on a female who was trying to get it popping and was hoping I could read her mind because I couldn’t read her frisky mood while she sat on the other side of the couch watching TV while avoiding physical contact with me. Then the next day I get a call like this...

Her - I was so horny last night and you just went to sleep on me
JD - Word?
Her - Why didn’t you try anything?
JD - I’ve been trying to steer clear of that whole thing rape lately (but what I really meant is how the fuck what I suppose to know you wanted to get it in you were watching “For the Love of Ray J” so attentively and koonism bores me so much)

2. Some days I just do not want to be bothered.

Some mornings I wake up and really rather be alone. Loafing around the house, cooking for myself, watching funny movies and ignoring the phone works just fine for me. Don’t be mad if you been calling me for 8 straight hours and been getting the end button after 2 rings.

3. I’m very afraid of the single gun shot

I’ve been shot at and in some cases I’ve even shot back, but good aim in the hood isn’t common. To hear a barrage of gun shots is very common and about 15 minutes later you’d hear police sirens, then about 60 minutes later you’ll get the hood news version of who was shooting at who because people are seldom hit. Let’s face it; if our gun toting thugs spent as much time at the range as they spend on buying Air Jordan’s and playing Madden ever nigga in the hood could be a certified swat team sniper. So when that one unaccompanied shot emerges from the silence and fades back into calm, much in that way of how it came; that’s some scary shit. It makes me think a Dirty Harry/Doc Holiday type of dude is lurking around the corner with the marksmanship of an assassin.

4. I wish I could sing

I mean really sing, but not so I can go to American Idol or try to get a recording contract, but when my favorite song comes on the radio and I open my mouth to hit a note or two people won’t look at me like Mumble from “Happy Feet”. My very good friend Fatz AKA Russell once compared my singing voice to static.

5. I used to live in Macon, Georgia

That’s right from the ages of 10 thru 11, I was a watermelon eating, dirt bike riding, baseball playing country fuck. Things I learned in GA how to drive, fight, smoke and piss while walking.

There you have it you should all feel a little closer to DeGrate
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

7 Subtle Hints You Might Be Ugly

7 Subtle hints you might be ugly

It’s a few people out here that may have been miss-led by loving parents and overly supportive friends that have blinded you to the fact of how gruesome you really are. So today I’m going to give you some of these hints your mirror and your peers have failed to give you.

If you’ve ever been describe to the opposite sex with a statement starting with “She’s a really nice girl/He’s a really good dude” before they say anything about your looks you might be ugly (When trying to sell a ugly person to an unsuspecting fool you always start with the strong personality traits)

If you’re the designated purse and coat watcher in the club when your girl(s) hit the dance floor or the bar you might be ugly (They know good damn well nobody wants to dance with you and nobody will be buying you a drink at the bar)

If you ever ask one of your friends of the opposite sex why nothing ever kicked off between you two and they reply “I’ve always looked at you like a brother/sister” you might be ugly (especially if ya’ll ain’t that close)

If your friends never choose you as the wing man you might be ugly (taking you to play wingman is equal to throwing a drink in your own face her friend don’t want your ugly ass)

If grown-ups never look you directly in the eye but little kids always stare (and sometimes point) you might be ugly

If your female friends have never tried to hook you up you might be ugly (because we all know how much women love to hook somebody up)

If you never have a date to major events like weddings, dinner parties, and New Years Eve events you might be ugly (Who wants to bring in a new year with your ugly ass?)

If you fit in 1 or more these 7 take a long look in the mirror and re-assess yourself

Jean DeGrate has spoken

Why You Attract Ain’t Shit Niggas

Off top 50% of the “Ain’t Shit Niggas” you meet/deal with are only ain’t shit niggas to you and your kind. You ever run across one of them dudes that you had dealings with to find out he’s now settled down being a stand up guy and think “damn he has grown up”. Nah he didn’t grow he just met a woman that A. wasn’t go for that dumb shit and B. she was worthy in his eyes of him acting like a decent human being.

You’re Green

If you meet a dude on Sunday and he has a toothbrush, a towel, a drawer of his own and a spare key to your place by Friday; yeah you’re GREEN. If you hand damn near any dude the world before you know his last name he will fuck you over plan and simple.

You’re Miss I don’t do this or never done that and go back on it effortlessly

Girls sell this shit all the time that “It’s something about you and I don’t know what it is that got me swallowing your kids in the back seat of this 98 Grand Am in the parking lot of Dave & Buster’s I’ve never done anything like this before” And when you say this its one thing running across our mind, well one thing besides the obvious, “Yeah right tell me anything”. From that moment on we write you off as a hoe and treat you accordingly. Yep ain’t no coming back from that.

You got 2 or more kids

The only dudes that really can dig a chick with two or more kids have two or more kids of his own. Correction the only dudes that really can dig a chick with two or more kids has two or more kids and takes care of them. It’s hard enough for a dude to commit to chick with no kids but to commit to her and her two children is a real tall order.

You live in the club

You might be a stand up girl (or you might not be the perception is still the same) but you just always end up at the club with your girls. Dudes don’t see it that way they see the party girl and the party girl is a hoe in every man’s mind. Walking in the house at 4am every weekend hair sweated out smelling like Patron and IHOP is not a good look.

You’re going for that dumb shit

Guys will always try his hand to see what he can get away with. Can he get you to come over without ever going on a real date? Can he get you to meet up with him after the club? Can he get you to wait for the plumber while he goes paintballing with the homies? Can he get you to come pick him up from the strip club at 1am on a Wednesday because he drank too much for third time this month? The more dumb shit you’re going for the worst he will treat you.

You’re an ugly bitch (not saying that you’re actually a bitch but ugly bitch just gets the point across so much better than saying unattractive female you may be a very nice and educated unattractive woman)

Ain’t shit niggas prey on ugly bitches like bad ass white kids with magnifying glasses prey on ant hills. It’s like a law of nature they see you then assume you can’t do any better so that makes you a prime candidate to get fucked over. “She ugly so she ain’t gonna leave me”.

Some of this might be dead on and some of it may not then you got that Katt Williams syndrome ‘your pussy just attract ain’t shit niggas’; sorry no cure for that.

Jean DeGrate has spoken

4 Things He Cares About if He Cares About You

It’s certain things that might not seem obvious to you females but it’s what really matter to a dude that’s legitimately interested in you.

Your sexually history

In this instance we have to think of women like cars and everybody would love to have a brand new car. It’s just a special feeling knowing you are the first person to be behind that wheel but 97.5% of the time it won’t work out that way. So you want a car with one owner and or low miles. So when a dude is starting to get into a female he will want to know how many dudes she’s been with. No guy wants to make a hoe into a housewife. “She got that rental car pussy everybody done drove that.”

How you dress

It’s a known fact a dude will walk out the club holding hands with a chick wearing a rainbow colored cat suit, a Santa Claus hat and leopard print limited edition Uggs just because she had a body that wouldn’t stop and was down to roll. Now they don’t have a future much longer than the time it will take for the liquor to wear off. Men accept certain women in his life to be horribly and/or whorishly dressed we often refer to those women as jump-offs and sideline chicks. If he really cares about you he’ll consider you a representation of him and will want you to look accordingly.

How your mother looks

Seeing your girl’s mother is like a peek into the future. It answers all those questions like... “Will her titties hit belt buckle after that first kid?” or “Does that little pooch she got now turn in to a full grown beer belly later?” If he has no interest in knowing what the lady that made you looks like he has no interest in you long term.

The way you keep your home

If a man really likes you he cares if you’re a lazy ass dirty bitch. It’s just something about a filthy woman that drives any grown man insane that goes all the way back to the days when women stayed at home cooking and cleaning. It’s nothing worst than having to shake your clothes for roaches after a visit to Ms Right Now.

If none of these seem to be on his priority list then your future together is bleak

Jean DeGrate has spoken