Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The Nerve of This Hoe

I'm a habitual flirt with women working in retail because a few kind words and some undue flattery just might get me 30% off of my purchase. I don't care if she fat, ugly or Halle Berry I'm approaching them all with the degree of game because my goal ain't those cheeks it's keeping this money in my pocket. I'm thrifty like that and ya'll ain't even know it.

So about 2 or 3 years back I was up in one of those shoe stores in Forestville mall chopping it up with the assistant manager trying to work in a quick discount in for 2 pairs of shoes for Madi. Unlike the normal chick working retail in a rundown mall she was actually an adult and not a hood rat; surprised the shit out of me. Oh and actually attractive enough to be seen with. I got the discount; she took 25% off of all 3 pairs of shoes (tossed in a pair for me). After that I made it point to visit her store every time I was in the mall even if I wasn't in the market for a pair of shoes. (Before any of you pass judgment the Target in Forestville is the closest Target to where I live so yeah I'm out that way at least once a month.) 3 months and 4 pairs of children shoes later we've moved beyond in store flirting and we were texting back and forth. (Oh shit I totally forgot to give this lady a name, ok let's call her Roz.) Then one day out the blue...

Roz - Why have you never tried to see me outside of the store?
And I wanted to say to "Well ma'am you got a boyfriend and on the real you're just a cool cute lady that gives me a discount on my daughter shoes." But of course I didn't say shit like that.
JD - I mean you're the homie if you want to get up you can just say so
Roz - I'm going to come to your house one of these days before work
JD – Its whatever but ain't shit to do in this apartment but watch TV and lift weights. I also live in the hood hood, not the rap hood.
Roz - I don't care I'm coming

At the time I didn't know "I don't care I'm coming" was code for "I'mma give you this pussy stop trying to talk yourself out of it".

Three days later at 7:22am on Wednesday she was ringing my buzzer and I bullshit you not at 7:31am she was completely naked and kissing the tip of my dick. From here you can fill in the blank, right? Right. Ok after that she got low for like two weeks. Sent like 3 text messages no response. I was so worried that I fucked my hook up; all the shoes I should have bought when I had the chance came dancing through my head in a Soul Train line. Just when I though all hope was lost and I'd be back to paying full price she sent me a text...

Roz - Hey
JD - Fuck you been
Roz - My phone been acting up
What a coincidence that her phone broke the day after my penis was in her mouth.
JD - Oh Ok

And just like that we were back like she never left plus her twice a week a.m. sex visit. After about month of that she got super reckless; late night "You woke text", swinging pass the spot after work, she was doing anything. Did mention she had a live in boyfriend?

Then shit got real.
It's like 8:30 on a Tuesday morning and she was due to at my spot about 90 minutes ago. Cell phone rings and her name flashes across the screen. I answer "Where you at?" then a dude says "Oh aigh" and the call disconnects. I'm not going to lie I said a small prayer for her. I just knew that wasn't going to end well. So about 6p that same day her or somebody from her phone keeps calling me back to back to back. I sent ever single call to voicemail; this nigga won't be questioning me about his girl's whereabouts and actions. After about 20 straight minutes of calling she sends me a picture text of her with a black eye and swollen lip and the caption please answer the phone. I answer...

JD - You alright?
The bitch looks like she just went 12 rounds with the champ but what the fuck else was I going to say?
Roz - This nigga done fucked up he put his hands on me
JD - Yeah I see
Roz - What you gonna do?
JD - Fuck you mean? The police don't service your neighborhood?
Roz - Really Jean?
JD - All jokes aside you earned that how did you think that shit was going to go over?
Roz - Fuck you
Phone disconnects

About an hour later she sent me 172 page text message; I read the first 4, maybe, I can't be sure. The gist of what I read was she was on a different level than I was. She expected me to hold her down or at least pretend to give a fuck. For the life of me I don't know how she got there. She gave me discounted shoes and a shot of pussy here and there. Were we supposed to get married? I bet she don't even know my last name because I damn sure didn't know hers. Welp delete thread and block contact. Still to this day I haven't set foot in her store.

I got to stop fucking girls with discounts on shit
Jean DeGrate told you a story

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Cut The Shit

There're a lot of things going on right now that just need to be stop.

Stop using Jay-Z and Beyonce for example of everything
No shade, but Hov and Beyonce didn't invent love. I know it might be hard to imagine, but men and women have been falling in love and maintaining successful relationships for quite some time now... long before you bitches got wooed by the "03 Bonnie and Clyde" video.  (And yes, even black people have long been falling in love; just check for some couples outside of the glowing picture box in your living room). Seriously, what kind of love life are you leading if the epitome of black love consist of a retired drug dealer turned rapper and a singer from Texas that dropped out of high school who just so happens to take good pictures together in Cuba. Let's just all use the Obamas as the picture perfect love story. I mean, at least Michelle can read... right?

Saying you don't wear weave or makeup holds no water if you're not cute
I know you want to receive some sort of trophy for foregoing the evil trends of society and the standards of beauty it set. I assure you there is no such reward. So stepping out the door with a head full of naps and a face full of blemishes being proud of your natural "beauty" won't win you any kudos points. Weave and makeup are your crutches; don't get too high and mighty for them. You don't see crippled people dragging themselves along the ground because they are too good for wheelchairs. God made you unpretty; let Mac and two bundles of Indian Remi get you in the game.

Stop teaching your kids to be savages
This is a new era. Most of us grew up when school teachers were still spanking kids and a child getting a beating in isle 6 of Giant was nobody's business but the parent and child involved. Those days are gone. We aren't raising young gladiators that should square-up with the bully over reporting Daquan's unwillingness to share building blocks. We are civilized now; raise your child in such a manner. Because when your 7th grader punches another 7th grader and gives him a black eye, he's not going to the principal's office, that niglet is going to jail. Kids that get bullied come back and shoot up schools or post two page letters to their bullies on FaceBook then slit their wrists with meat cleavers (Paris Jackson style) while kids that bully end up catching charges and doing jail time.

Seriously though just cut the shit
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The 3 Truths In The Movie "Baby Boy"

Even though "Baby Boy" isn't in my top 100 movies starring two bald black cast members to be filmed in California, I've watched it countless times. I bullshit you not, but for period between 2002 - 2005 all I had to do is slide the "Baby Boy" DVD in when female company was coming over and she'd be thoroughly entertained until I was ready to begin the true reason for her visit. The DVD eventually grew legs and went off elsewhere to flourish; since then re-runs of Martin have filled it's vacated spot. I didn't understand why females fancied the movie so much until maybe about a year ago which brings me to the first truth...

1. Women tend to believe an ain't shit man will eventually come around and do right
Jody was the ideal ain't shit nigga; living at home with his mother, 2 kids by 2 different women, unemployed and a cheater. Yvette's story is one of true success and perseverance. She stood by her man through a smack to the face, a handful of abortions and countless sideline bitches. In the end she got to carry another one of his children to term and the finest engagement ring Kay Jewelers had to offer for under 2k. She won (I guess) and a lot of you women think you can win too if you just hang in there. Those bitches are crazy and that leads me to truth number 2...

2. Women are unstable creatures
Word to my man Omar Gooding because everyday I wake up on God's green earth is another day for women to further prove his statement correct. It's just a combo of self-righteousness, unwarranted ego, constant contradiction and indecisiveness, wrapped up into a pretty little ball of crazy.

3. Guns and Butter
"You got to learn the difference between guns and butter. There are two types of niggas in this world; it's niggas with guns and niggas with butter. Now what are the guns? That's the real estate, the stocks and bonds, art work; you know shit appreciates with value. What's the butter? Cars, clothes, jewelry and all that other bullshit that don't mean shit after you buy it. That's what it's all about: guns and butter, baby." - Melvin
Who'd ever think some of the most profound and useful knowledge I'd ever come across would come from a reformed gangbanger shaving his head while spitting knowledge to the nigga from "Wild and Crazy Kids" and the dude who sang that Coca-Cola jingle on the bus.

"Fuck your fort lil nigga" - Snoop Dogg
Jean DeGrate love hates Baby Boy