The 5 Signs You Might be in a Hood Mall

Hey ladies and gentlemen tis the season to buy a gain of shit for your love ones in the name of Jesus’ birthday. It’s lit. I know a lot of us have moved over to online shopping but sometimes we have to set foot in an actually brick and mortar establishment; especially for those last minute gifts. I know it sucks that the internet has yet to completely do away with us ever having to leave the comfort of our homes, but it is what it is though. So here I am with this helpful list to make you aware of your shopping surroundings.

1. You might be in a hood mall if there are at least four sneaker stores.

It’s going to be a plethora of Footlockers, Footactions, DTLRs, Shoe Cities and Jimmy Jazz; people that frequent hood malls buy a lot of Jordan’s and a vast assortment of other sneakers made in Taiwan. Come to think of a hood mall is the only place that 4 or more stores carrying the exact same products, for the same price within walking distance of each other can flourish. Sneaker stores in hood malls have to be the only thing keeping the entire complex in business.

2. You might be in a hood mall if there are at least two jewelry stores/kiosks ran by people of Middle Eastern decent.

I love those crazy Arabs. They will start slashing prices before you even ask to look at anything. “For you my man, I’ll do it for $800.” The sticker price will say something crazy like $3000. Can you imagine what your profit margin has to be in order to cut 75% of the sticker price? That should be the first sign that you’re in for an ass fucking. They are supplying the black community with cloudy diamonds set in 8k gold at 500% markup of what it’s worth if you tried to sell it 30 seconds later.

3. You might be in a hood mall if there is a barber and/or hair dresser, a beauty supply store and a nail salon AKA the black trifecta.

Beauty supply stores are never in nice neighborhoods. It’s a nationwide zoning law. You should probably write a letter to your local congressman because even when you get out of the hood you’re going to have to come back to get a good flat iron and a quality bonnet. The ante is upped when you see a nail salon, barber shop and the beauty supply store all under the same roof.

4. You might be in a hood mall if there are less than two major department stores

First off JC Penny is NOT a major department store. Kohl’s is NOT a major department store. Both are really just glorified K-Marts. Major starts with Macy’s and that really the bottom rung. They need a Macy’s in combination with a Lord & Taylor or something just to ensure you’ll make it across the parking lot after dark without getting your bags snatched.

5. You might be in a hood mall if there is a store that’s probably a drug front.

A store that only sells leather jackets, a magazine and newspaper spot, a store with a plaid short-sleeved suit displayed in the window? Yeah they all are laundering money. It’s no way they can keep the lights on. Nobody is buying the shit they are selling and clearly that’s the business format that works for them.

Honorable mention…the mall security car looks like a real live police car

Keep your head on swivel; stay woke.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

5 Women with Convenient Jobs I Would Love to Date 2.0

In this new age of high earning independent women that still wants a man to pay all of the bills and still not have “shut the fuck up” rights. They don't want roommate but they damn sure don't want to let him call the shots either. In light of this; I’m considering another path. I wrote this blog before but I said to myself “self it may be about time to revamp this” because after 7 years I kept the same energy. I can get myself a city council woman, a doctor, a lawyer, a women with 50 11 degrees or a captain of industry but at the end of the day what’s in it for me? I mean I’m paying the bills, I’m paying for the dates, I’m taking out the trash and bringing in the groceries. Where are the perks? Bragging rights to my homies? Posting her as my Woman Crush Wednesday holding her degrees? I don’t see how that would benefit me any. I need something a bit more practical. I need something that will pay off now and for the foreseeable future; a foundation we can build on. I’ve came up with a list of occupations that would benefit me. Here we go…

1. Target Employee
This is number 1 and I mean number one with a motherfucking bullet. It’s always a woman working in Target wearing the shit of those khakis looking phat as fuck. But aside from women looking good in tan pants I spend an obscene amount of money there. In this year alone I’m sure I’ve spent enough to feed a family of four breakfast, lunch, dinner and a snack every day for all 2018. Having a woman on the inside would give me a heads up on sales and keep me from setting foot in there every week getting caught up in that labyrinth and spending a mint on things I don’t need. Top that off with her discount and I might be on my way to Mervis to price a ring.

2. DTLR/Ubiq/Footlocker House of Hoops manager.
Sneaker resale is crazy with these 300 and 400% markups. Buying sneakers that I want at retail price is impossible. Long gone are the days of walking into the mall on a Saturday afternoon and picking up the latest release. I need a plug and there is no better plug than an in house plug. I need my Yeezy’s. I need my OG Jordan 1’s. I need those girl sizes for Madi too. I don’t want to stand in line. I don’t want to pay quadruple. I just want my girl to come home with my shoes.

3. Costco
The lines at Costco are legendary. I bull shit you not; there’s been trips to Costco that I’ve spent more time in line than I’ve actually spent shopping. The hours don’t really work around my schedule so any visit takes advance planning. Other than that Costco is Target on steroids. Plus Costco was listed as one of the best places to work in America so future Mrs. DeGrate should be happy there. Shooting my girl a text to bring home a few of those USDA prime ribeye steaks and a lifetime supply of paper towels is clutch. Also Costco pizza is everything and they don’t deliver.

4. Saks/Neiman Marcus/Bergdorf Goodman
I like my high end shit. I’m prone to buying a $500 T-shirt from time to time. I have 1 or 40 something pairs of European designer shoes with names that end with a vowel. And you know what’s WAY better than being able to afford high end shit? Getting high end shit at the employee discount. I can almost see the savings. I’ll never pay full price for again. If you’re reading this, single and working in Mazza Gallerie or Tyson’s 2 my DM’s are open. Don’t be shy drop me a line.

5. AMC Movies
You know what my kid and I do a lot of? We go to the movies. Every Marvel movie; we’re in there. Every DC movie, we’re in there. Action or animation; we’re in there. If it’s a 3D option; we’re going with that and plush reclining pre-selected seats are a must. Top this off with snacks and I’m easily dropping $50 per visit. I need to at least be getting in the movies for free. I need a girl that’s going to wave me and the kid in. Plus Star Wars: The Last Jedi, The Shape of Water, Jumanji and Pitch Perfect 3 all drop this month; I can see the money walking out of my pocket. Movie bae I need you. Please save me money.

Having a CEO for a girlfriend at some corporation is a bragging point, I guess, but #1 bought a Target discount to the table.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Story Time with JD: She Owes Me Sex

Yesterday the question of the day was “Does anybody owe you sex?” I had a woman that owed me sex; I decided to forgive the debt but if I’m keeping it a buck she still owes me sex. Unless she’s washed then never mind lady please live you life. I’ve told the story numerous times but I never put it on paper so gather around boys and girls it’s Story Time With JD…

I used to be at Hooters every Sunday during football season with the crew in Chinatown. Before the women of Hooters fell off of course. They definitely used to have plenty of “talent” in the building. I’m not a super football fan so Hooters was the compromise spot for the click. I can see the girls and they can watch game. Over the course of the season I started get friendly with some of the talent.

Anyway I ended up dating a chick named Joy (real name because as previously stated if she’s reading this I need those cheeks ASAP). Joy was an HU student and a single mom working at Hooters part time. She also lived in God’s blind spot better known as the city of Baltimore. If you didn’t already know this I’m not a huge fan of Baltimore so our outings consisted of us hanging out after Joy got off work prior to heading home to be a mom. After a handful dates we lined up the overnight “would you like some pussy” date.

Everything was lined up. She booked a room at a hotel by Baltimore’s Inner Harbor; had her cousin baby sitting and all I had to do was pack a bag then drive to Heroin City. This was the age before GPS and Google maps on the phone so I had to hop on Yahoo and actually print out directions. It was the Stone Age; it was a dark time. I left work little early and pulled up to her apartment complex about 6p. Drove 20 minutes across town, pulled up to the Holiday Inn then she hopped out to check-in and she was back in the car in less than 5 minutes. Everything was set. What could go wrong? I found a parking spot instantly with money already on the meter. Winning. Walked into Phillips on a Friday night in the middle of happy hour and got seated instantly. Everything was coming roses. I’m a beer, half a fried calamari appetizer and 3 Hennessey and Cokes in and her cell phone starts ringing back to back. It’s her cousin and I knew the fucking jig was up before she even answered the phone. I’m not about to do the whole conversation back and forth thing so here the gist of it… Her cousin’s baby had a dumb high fever so she was going to take him to the emergency room and didn’t want to drag Joy’s son along. As any decent mom she opted to go get her child which signaled the end of our night. FUCK.

I flagged the waitress down for the check gave her a $100 bill and didn’t wait for the change. We were out. So I’m 4 drinks in on an almost empty stomach and my drunkenness is increasing by the traffic light. We make it to her cousin’s house and the 10 minutes she spent grabbing her kid was like an hour in drunken time. The only thing that stopped me from falling asleep is my Nextel’s low battery chirp. I forgot to mention I had a short in my car charger which becomes pivotal right about now. Her and the kid hop in the car and we make our way to her apartment and I am lit; I can smell the Hennessy coming out of my pores. Jesus take the wheel. She’s apologizing for the 97th time as we pull into the parking lot and for the 97th time I’m telling her it’s cool because shit happens. They get out of the car and head into the building and just then it hits me I don’t know where the fuck I’m at. Like at all. I’m in the neighborhood from Training Day where homie was standing on top of the building clapping pigeons. I flip my phone open to call her and the screen goes black. FUCK. I put in the charger and get nothing. I sat there for about 15 minutes twisting and turning this charger plug every which way trying to get it to work then some random fiend taps on my window and scared the shit out of me. It’s time to go. I pulled out of the parking lot like I just knocked over a convenience store.

So for the record the cell phone is dead, the charger is dead, I’m lost as fuck, I’m 40 miles away from home, drunk as fuck, it’s dark, I’m in the slums of Bmore and the extra kickier it I have no idea what I did with the directions that got me out here for starters. I ride around looking for a gas station for direction to 95 because once I’m on 95 I’m golden and after about another 20 minutes of riding around aimless I find one. I hop out get the directions from the man at the counter and, I bullshit you not, I forgot everything this man said the moment I pulled off. I’m back to driving around trying to piece together what I thought he might of said with my drunken mind. Next thing I remember I’m sitting at green light being awaken by the blaring horn of the car behind me. It’s a wrap. I’m done. I saw a CVS in the distance; about 4 blocks up and parked my car behind the dumpster then went night night. Another fiend woke me up by tapping on the window, but by this time it was 7am and I was sober again. He gave me direction and I gave him $5. I made home by 8 and threw my phone on the charger. When I turned my phone on I had 7 messages all from Joy. 1st was another apology. 2nd was trying to figure out if I made it back to the hotel. 3rd was telling me she had both hotel keys. 4th was telling me she left my name at the front desk so they’d give me a key. 5th was wondering why she hasn’t heard from me. 6th was telling me if I was mad all I had to do is say so instead of ignoring her. 7th was straight up cussing me out. After the night I had I was up for explaining. So I didn’t call and neither did she. Football season was already well over so my Hooters visit were few and far between so we never crossed paths again.

The moral of the story…. FUCK Baltimore
Jean DeGrate has spoken