Wednesday, December 6, 2017

5 Women with Convenient Jobs I Would Love to Date 2.0

In this new age of high earning independent women that still wants a man to pay all of the bills and still not have “shut the fuck up” rights. They don't want roommate but they damn sure don't want to let him call the shots either. In light of this; I’m considering another path. I wrote this blog before but I said to myself “self it may be about time to revamp this” because after 7 years I kept the same energy. I can get myself a city council woman, a doctor, a lawyer, a women with 50 11 degrees or a captain of industry but at the end of the day what’s in it for me? I mean I’m paying the bills, I’m paying for the dates, I’m taking out the trash and bringing in the groceries. Where are the perks? Bragging rights to my homies? Posting her as my Woman Crush Wednesday holding her degrees? I don’t see how that would benefit me any. I need something a bit more practical. I need something that will pay off now and for the foreseeable future; a foundation we can build on. I’ve came up with a list of occupations that would benefit me. Here we go…

1. Target Employee
This is number 1 and I mean number one with a motherfucking bullet. It’s always a woman working in Target wearing the shit of those khakis looking phat as fuck. But aside from women looking good in tan pants I spend an obscene amount of money there. In this year alone I’m sure I’ve spent enough to feed a family of four breakfast, lunch, dinner and a snack every day for all 2018. Having a woman on the inside would give me a heads up on sales and keep me from setting foot in there every week getting caught up in that labyrinth and spending a mint on things I don’t need. Top that off with her discount and I might be on my way to Mervis to price a ring.

2. DTLR/Ubiq/Footlocker House of Hoops manager.
Sneaker resale is crazy with these 300 and 400% markups. Buying sneakers that I want at retail price is impossible. Long gone are the days of walking into the mall on a Saturday afternoon and picking up the latest release. I need a plug and there is no better plug than an in house plug. I need my Yeezy’s. I need my OG Jordan 1’s. I need those girl sizes for Madi too. I don’t want to stand in line. I don’t want to pay quadruple. I just want my girl to come home with my shoes.

3. Costco
The lines at Costco are legendary. I bull shit you not; there’s been trips to Costco that I’ve spent more time in line than I’ve actually spent shopping. The hours don’t really work around my schedule so any visit takes advance planning. Other than that Costco is Target on steroids. Plus Costco was listed as one of the best places to work in America so future Mrs. DeGrate should be happy there. Shooting my girl a text to bring home a few of those USDA prime ribeye steaks and a lifetime supply of paper towels is clutch. Also Costco pizza is everything and they don’t deliver.

4. Saks/Neiman Marcus/Bergdorf Goodman
I like my high end shit. I’m prone to buying a $500 T-shirt from time to time. I have 1 or 40 something pairs of European designer shoes with names that end with a vowel. And you know what’s WAY better than being able to afford high end shit? Getting high end shit at the employee discount. I can almost see the savings. I’ll never pay full price for again. If you’re reading this, single and working in Mazza Gallerie or Tyson’s 2 my DM’s are open. Don’t be shy drop me a line.

5. AMC Movies
You know what my kid and I do a lot of? We go to the movies. Every Marvel movie; we’re in there. Every DC movie, we’re in there. Action or animation; we’re in there. If it’s a 3D option; we’re going with that and plush reclining pre-selected seats are a must. Top this off with snacks and I’m easily dropping $50 per visit. I need to at least be getting in the movies for free. I need a girl that’s going to wave me and the kid in. Plus Star Wars: The Last Jedi, The Shape of Water, Jumanji and Pitch Perfect 3 all drop this month; I can see the money walking out of my pocket. Movie bae I need you. Please save me money.

Having a CEO for a girlfriend at some corporation is a bragging point, I guess, but #1 bought a Target discount to the table.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, December 1, 2017

Story Time with JD: She Owes Me Sex

Yesterday the question of the day was “Does anybody owe you sex?” I had a woman that owed me sex; I decided to forgive the debt but if I’m keeping it a buck she still owes me sex. Unless she’s washed then never mind lady please live you life. I’ve told the story numerous times but I never put it on paper so gather around boys and girls it’s Story Time With JD…

I used to be at Hooters every Sunday during football season with the crew in Chinatown. Before the women of Hooters fell off of course. They definitely used to have plenty of “talent” in the building. I’m not a super football fan so Hooters was the compromise spot for the click. I can see the girls and they can watch game. Over the course of the season I started get friendly with some of the talent.

Anyway I ended up dating a chick named Joy (real name because as previously stated if she’s reading this I need those cheeks ASAP). Joy was an HU student and a single mom working at Hooters part time. She also lived in God’s blind spot better known as the city of Baltimore. If you didn’t already know this I’m not a huge fan of Baltimore so our outings consisted of us hanging out after Joy got off work prior to heading home to be a mom. After a handful dates we lined up the overnight “would you like some pussy” date.

Everything was lined up. She booked a room at a hotel by Baltimore’s Inner Harbor; had her cousin baby sitting and all I had to do was pack a bag then drive to Heroin City. This was the age before GPS and Google maps on the phone so I had to hop on Yahoo and actually print out directions. It was the Stone Age; it was a dark time. I left work little early and pulled up to her apartment complex about 6p. Drove 20 minutes across town, pulled up to the Holiday Inn then she hopped out to check-in and she was back in the car in less than 5 minutes. Everything was set. What could go wrong? I found a parking spot instantly with money already on the meter. Winning. Walked into Phillips on a Friday night in the middle of happy hour and got seated instantly. Everything was coming roses. I’m a beer, half a fried calamari appetizer and 3 Hennessey and Cokes in and her cell phone starts ringing back to back. It’s her cousin and I knew the fucking jig was up before she even answered the phone. I’m not about to do the whole conversation back and forth thing so here the gist of it… Her cousin’s baby had a dumb high fever so she was going to take him to the emergency room and didn’t want to drag Joy’s son along. As any decent mom she opted to go get her child which signaled the end of our night. FUCK.

I flagged the waitress down for the check gave her a $100 bill and didn’t wait for the change. We were out. So I’m 4 drinks in on an almost empty stomach and my drunkenness is increasing by the traffic light. We make it to her cousin’s house and the 10 minutes she spent grabbing her kid was like an hour in drunken time. The only thing that stopped me from falling asleep is my Nextel’s low battery chirp. I forgot to mention I had a short in my car charger which becomes pivotal right about now. Her and the kid hop in the car and we make our way to her apartment and I am lit; I can smell the Hennessy coming out of my pores. Jesus take the wheel. She’s apologizing for the 97th time as we pull into the parking lot and for the 97th time I’m telling her it’s cool because shit happens. They get out of the car and head into the building and just then it hits me I don’t know where the fuck I’m at. Like at all. I’m in the neighborhood from Training Day where homie was standing on top of the building clapping pigeons. I flip my phone open to call her and the screen goes black. FUCK. I put in the charger and get nothing. I sat there for about 15 minutes twisting and turning this charger plug every which way trying to get it to work then some random fiend taps on my window and scared the shit out of me. It’s time to go. I pulled out of the parking lot like I just knocked over a convenience store.

So for the record the cell phone is dead, the charger is dead, I’m lost as fuck, I’m 40 miles away from home, drunk as fuck, it’s dark, I’m in the slums of Bmore and the extra kickier it I have no idea what I did with the directions that got me out here for starters. I ride around looking for a gas station for direction to 95 because once I’m on 95 I’m golden and after about another 20 minutes of riding around aimless I find one. I hop out get the directions from the man at the counter and, I bullshit you not, I forgot everything this man said the moment I pulled off. I’m back to driving around trying to piece together what I thought he might of said with my drunken mind. Next thing I remember I’m sitting at green light being awaken by the blaring horn of the car behind me. It’s a wrap. I’m done. I saw a CVS in the distance; about 4 blocks up and parked my car behind the dumpster then went night night. Another fiend woke me up by tapping on the window, but by this time it was 7am and I was sober again. He gave me direction and I gave him $5. I made home by 8 and threw my phone on the charger. When I turned my phone on I had 7 messages all from Joy. 1st was another apology. 2nd was trying to figure out if I made it back to the hotel. 3rd was telling me she had both hotel keys. 4th was telling me she left my name at the front desk so they’d give me a key. 5th was wondering why she hasn’t heard from me. 6th was telling me if I was mad all I had to do is say so instead of ignoring her. 7th was straight up cussing me out. After the night I had I was up for explaining. So I didn’t call and neither did she. Football season was already well over so my Hooters visit were few and far between so we never crossed paths again.

The moral of the story…. FUCK Baltimore
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, November 13, 2017

Let's Workout

I'm not a personal trainer but I've put my 10000 hours in.

I don’t even have a gym membership.

I smoke. I drink. I be on them milds and Hen Dawg. Shout outs to Shannon Sharpe.  I don’t always eat the best. If I was a poster type of guy I would totally have a poster of bacon in my bedroom; probably a bacon bumper sticker too. Bacon is to life as water is to fish. I could totally marry a Muslim woman because I love bacon; I love bacon enough for the both of us.

All that is beside the point.

I want yall to be fit but not to stunt on the beach in Miami but to be functional and healthy. Like to walk up 3 flights of steps with groceries or run for the train and not be on the verge of death.  This is also helpful when combined with a healthy diet in fighting off diabetes, hypertension and other washed life conditions. So if you don’t have the time, money or you rather have something to do while sitting in front of the TV this is for you...

8 Excellent exercises that only require a floor


Your body weight and hi reps is all you need for this exercise to be highly effective. It will burn fat and build muscle for the quads, glutes and hamstrings.


Abs are built with proper diet and cardio. Don’t let anybody tell you anything different, but having a strong core is really important. It alleviates back problems and improves posture.

Leg lifts

More core strength

Mountain climbers

More core strength that target abs and lower back. It can be sped up for a greater cardio effect once form is mastered


More core strength

Wall squats

Builds muscle, firms and tones the glutes and hamstrings.


Perhaps the greatest full body cardio exercise ever created. Also feasibly the most hated and understandably so. It’s like a squat, pushup and a jumping jack had a baby with the intention of ruining your day. Burpees always suck no matter your fitness level and that is a testament to their greatness. Truth is, if you did burpees and no other exercise you’d still be in really good shape.


Chest, shoulders, abs, biceps and triceps all get work. There are variations for every fitness level and can be a mainstay in any work for your entire fitness journey.

Always remember it’s way easier to stay fit than it is to get fit.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, October 26, 2017

The Quality of Pussy

It’s going to be a lot analogies here so bear with me.

A couple days ago I dropped a blog and stated “Pussy is literally everywhere and readily available but unlike any other commodity it’s not regulated by exclusivity or price to determine the lesser or the greater value.” Somehow this spiraled into a conversation of “all pussy ain’t good pussy ”. I laughed. I let it simmer for a while and had a few conversations with a few good people then thought to myself “self maybe I should expand on this”.

This is me expanding…

You’re welcome.

I’ve never met a woman in my 37 years of life that didn’t live under the impression that their vagina is the best thing since sliced bread. (Side note – What was the best thing before sliced bread came along? Was sliced bread that much of a game changer that we forgot what the other thing was?) Here’s the thing if you think you have good pussy it’s a 94% chance that you are correct. It’s like 3% terrible pussy and 3% exceptional pussy. Pussy is very much like bananas. Hold on let me explain. If you like bananas chances are you can’t remember the last time you bit into a bad banana, but at the same time you probably can’t remember when you bit into an exceptional banana. Bananas for the most part are consistently good. Bananas are great that way; if it’s ripe and not all battered and bruised it’s going to be satisfactory.

Did that make sense to you?

You got it?

Ok good.

Now with anything good you can add things that either improve or worsen it. This is fundamentally true for vagina. If I get a stock BMW and throw some crazy color paint on it, neon lights on the undercarriage, zebra print on the seats and a wild ass wing on the back; it’s still a BMW. The performance is still the same, but I’ve clearly alienated some of the appeal. Now I can take that same BMW and toss the black matte paint, black out the rims and tint the windows. This car might have a broader appeal, but it’s still a BMW. Which bring me back to the fact that good pussy is readily accessible and easily obtainable but the only obstacle maybe (strictly adhering to preference and lifestyle) is finding the correct add-ons.

Did that make sense to you?

Are you sure?

Great; we are on a roll. I’m about to wrap it now.

We all know what the general consensus deems to be attractive. Small waist, hips, round ass and breast size is still really a mixed bag but let’s just say at least some boobs for the sake of argument. If you need confirmation slide over to IG and pick a random half naked woman with 100k followers; I’m sure she’ll fit into these parameters. With that said we have pretty good idea of what the consumer is interested in physically (and by consumer I mean the people interested in pussy of course). You don’t fit into any of that shit but you still get more play than elementary school recess? Good for you. Here’s a gold star. Congrats. When it comes to the physical we pretty much know what’s a sure fire draw. Now let’s side step that because it’s so many other things besides looks when it comes to appealling to the consumer base. Before a company rolls out a product they typically test the market to see if it’s something that will go over well; gather a focus group or two and do some survey’s and shit. That’s not being done with pussy. Nope. Pussy owners do their own add-ons sans any research and believe themselves to be a catch to their anticipated demographic. To say the least this garners mixed results.

So yeah your pussy is probably good, but maybe all the things that come with that pussy … not so much
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, October 23, 2017

Dating Fiscally Sound

She has her own money

We all (and by “we all” I mean you dudes; I’m 37 now I’m off that shyt) have this ideal of a woman that’s earning or has the potential to earn a high wage in some sort of white collar profession and becoming some sort of power couple. Who doesn’t want a boss bitch? Nobody tells you that it is a cost to play and you might not see a return on your investment.

Three weeks ago I posted a question on the Facebook timeline…

“You ask your dude for some money but you don’t say how much. He leaves you 500 on the dresser and tell you take what you need. You only need 150. How much do you take?”

Then it was posted by a few other people. Most of women opted to take more than 150. To be perfectly honest the women that opted to take the entire 500 were of middle class income or higher. It went on to further prove my theory that women of greater success expect more and typically cost more.  It will never be 50/50 in almost every relationship and somewhere some woman is reading this and thinking “you can put a price on the things she provides”. I can argue that down with an itemized list but that’s another blog for another day and it’s just the cost of doing business of being a man seeking companionship.

“I can do bad all by myself”
This line has been around all my dating life and I often dial down into what it actually means in private conversation but you’re in luck because today I’m putting it down in print. I can do bad all by myself – I can maintain status quo on my own so I’m not interested in dating someone whom can’t better my current position. With this being said to date a woman with an above average social-economic status, your social-economic status needs to be equal or in most case greater. This brings me to my next point…

You ain’t building no fucking empire homie
The funny thing about power couples is there isn’t many of them. If it was common and the formula was foolproof we probably wouldn’t call them power couples; they’d just be couples. You find a mate, gather resources, have some kids and split the rent. That’s the real American dream and if you really want to stunt for the Gram you get matches Benzes. The truth is if you’re a go getter you can raise your own capital and build your empire all by yourself. Jay-Z was already Jay-Z before Beyoncé. I'm just saying though. It’s a handful of women that come into a man’s life and significantly better him professionally but that’s the exception to the rule and we aren’t here to talking about the Mr and Mrs Gucci Mane’s of the world.

Vagina is not a limited commodity
I can hop of Reddit right now and find out anything I want about anything but the vagina of the woman sitting 2 barstools over from me at happy hour. Pussy is literally everywhere and readily available but unlike any other commodity it’s not regulated by exclusivity or price to determine the lesser or the greater value. Unlimited access and zero quality control makes the hoops most men jump through rather unnecessary because it guarantees no level of success for the level of energy, time and money applied. With that said leap frog over all the social-economic status BS you’re left with the ability to successfully execute adulthood tasks consistently, attractiveness and character.

They ain’t do nothing special
There aren’t any clearly defined talents or perks. Women with hirer social-economic status don’t suck more dick. Wash clothes better. Keep a cleaner homes (well they might; I can’t think of too many women that clear over 100k that didn’t maintain a spotless home; so I’ll have to get back to you on this). They’re not rubbing feet. They’re not showering men with gifts (ugly women do though, if they acknowledge that they are ugly). There is no evident level up in character or treatment from a woman in a better than average financial standing. On the flipside; there is a guaranteed addition of attitude to dealing with a woman that was already comfortable before a suitor comes along.

If that’s your driving purpose the juice might not be worth the squeeze; I’m just saying tho
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

That Time I Should Have Won Side Dude of the Year

Gather around boys and girls it’s story time with JD…

Technically I wasn’t actually the side dude. She was legit my homie. We’ll call her Teresa and yes; I was hitting Teresa on occasion throughout the span of a couple of relationships. And by occasion I mean 5 times tops. One time was exclusively out of curiosity of what that mouth might do. Ok story within a story time…

I was kind of dating girl called Sunday. I called her Sunday because I only saw her on Sundays and by only seeing her on Sundays I meant I’d come over to her house and fuck. Sunday was a pioneer of this internet stalking shit. She literally befriended every one of my female on social media. It sounds bad but back then it was like 60 in comparison today’s 2400 or so. Somehow, someway Teresa and Sunday became phone buddies and they were discussing skin care technics because Teresa has flawless skin. Anyway Sunday erupted with laughter out of the blue and exclaimed “Bitch you crazy”. Sunday turns to me and said “She says she keeps her skin clear by swallowing at least once a week”. Needless to say my interested was peaked and I immediately plotted my exit to see what that mouth does. You don’t need all the details, but I left Sunday’s house and 45 minutes later I was seeing what that mouth did. It was wonderful by the way.

Ok back to the story…

Boyfriends hate me. The only boyfriend in the history of my females having boyfriends that didn’t hate me is the homie Tangie’s husband, Russell. Anyway Teresa’s current boyfriend was really uncomfortable with her having a male best friend which is ironic for two reasons; first I didn’t have sex with her during their relationship and second he had a female best friend. On the flipside his female best friend was unattractive as in the moment I finish writing this blog I’m unfucking her unattractive. Teresa cooked up this whole scheme of me “talking” to her boyfriend’s best friend; let’s call her Ant because she kind of looks like an ant. Basically I’d go out on a date or two with Ant and her boyfriend would stop feeling uncomfortable. I agreed to this arrangement prior to seeing Ant. Upon meeting Ant face to face I threw the whole plan the fuck out the window.

Teresa pulled up on me with Ant to make the introduction when I was chilling around U Street at a random bar and BOY there was much to be desired. It’s no way I could be out in these streets with this young lady. Ant was brown skin slim built with big breast and no ass at all but that face was an absolute deal breaker. A total lack of ass is a hard mountain to overcome on any woman and when you accompany it with an unpretty face; nah son. Ain’t no mother fucking way. I needed a plan B. I was going to put her in a “phone bone and text her to death” type of situation. I’m a beast on the phone. I’m a fucking professional conversationalist. (If you’ve ever been on the phone with me for longer than 20 minutes you’d know that I’m gifted.) We exchanged info then Ant and Teresa headed on their way. I walked back into happy hour and tried to drink the image of her face out of my head.

Anyway… the next day I started operation chatterbox. I’m telling you this; I’m charming as fuck when I put my mind to it. For about 2 weeks I had her crying laughing and hanging on my every word without even hinting at a date or any sort of face to face interaction. I was ready to do a victory lab because I heard no new gripes about the friendship between Teresa and me. It was to the point that Teresa would hit my line and shoot the shit with me while her formally jealous boyfriend was sitting on the couch next to her. Mission accomplished right? Wrong. In week 3 of our usually cool and casual conversations became instantly littered with “so when am I going to see you” and my hand was pushed. I tried to duck and dodge it but she wouldn’t let it die; I was really going to have to jump on this grenade. BLOWN.

Since I was backed into a corner I set it up for a Netflix and chill type of situation well after sundown. I intentionally lined it up on the day the crew was celebrating one of the homies birthday so I could already be on some day drinking shit. I was sipping from 4p right up until she pulled up at 10p. I had a bottle in the house for her and a movie lined up. The plan was to have her come over, throw the movie on liquor her up then we’d both pass out. Nope; it didn’t play out that way. We never discussed her hidden talent of drinking like a member of a biker gang. I had a 5th of Goose and she was going shot for shot with me and I was already halfway done. I probably made it 2 thirds into the 5th before I was staring at the inside of my eyelids. I wake up to her reaching into my pants whipping my man out. My intent wasn’t to smash; I swear it wasn’t, but she started in with the head and she wasn’t half bad. She was no Teresa but it kind of sobered up me; I wasn’t anywhere near 100% lucid but my dick was 150% ready. On everything I love I normally mail it in with chicks I’m not digging, but I’m going to do like Jamie Fox and blame it on the liquor because I balled her ass up in that bed. Twice. She creeped out like 3a with a possible limp and I woke up to the meanest hangover several hours later. About 3p when I finally started to get my appetite back and my life in order; this ugly broad had the audacity to send me a selfie caption “I had fun last night”. I threw my phone across the room then jumped up and started punching the air like Trey in “Boys in the Hood” after Ricky got shot. I was mad at her. I was mad at myself. I was mad at Teresa. I was mad at Grey Goose and my head was hurting. I maintained my professionalism and tucked Ant back into the conversation only zone and eventually phased out talking to her completely over a 4 week span. No awards or plaques came for my sacrifice on that dark night. I still can’t watch documentaries about ants to this day and Teresa broke up with dude like 6 weeks later.

Not all heroes wear capes
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Saturday, September 23, 2017

You Are Ideal Side Dude Material

Like 10 days back I dropped the “You Are Ideal Side Chick Material” and I promised the male version. So here we go…

As previously stated the criteria that makes for a good side dude and a good side chick differs so greatly that I couldn’t do it in one blog. This is especially true because men would absolutely unequivocally repeatedly fuck a woman they wouldn’t be seen with in public let alone legitimately date. Women on the flipside rarely sleep with men they wouldn’t entertain in a dating capacity. In most situations a guy that’s an ideal candidate for a side position can very much flourish in Cuffing season as the main attraction. Let’s get into it.

If you appear to be a player/hoe
Women love these player/hoe types of guys as long as they aren’t the ones being played and/or cheated on. They’ll guard their hearts and open their legs while maintaining a real relationship at home. The guy that she comes home to is the man that’s good for her but the player guy just does something to her that she can’t get from her man. He’s the dessert to her main course and who doesn’t like a little dessert here and there?

If you publicly have a girlfriend and appear to be in a happy relationship
Women are petty. They like to know a guy isn’t shit. They get a kind of high from it. I used to know a girl that went to her side dudes wedding with her live in boyfriend as her date. SAVAGE. They’re not out to ruin a happy home (no Kevin Hart) just put a smudge or two on the windows. Petty shit aside; being in a relationship with something to lose makes for an excellent long term side dude and alleviates most confusion and feelings.

If you’re the work husband
Being a work husband is often a thankless job and a lot of ground work is done in an ultimately fruitless endeavor. He’s always one after work happy hour away from getting a room at the Marriott. He’s always one heated at home argument away being led into the supply closet for an afternoon delight. So close ; yet so far away. Sometimes and this is a rarity; the work husband lands into the side dude position and it’s fucking sweet. The work husband side dude has 40 hours of access to that pussy while getting paid Monday thru Friday.

If you’re the available friend that hasn’t tried it
If she calls he answers. If she text he responds within 5 minutes. It’s Wednesday at 4:59pm and she wants to hit happy hour he’s down. He’s the always there to do something fun last minute when her girls flake out and remain cool about it. He always there on the other end of the phone to kill some time. All of that somehow that translates into break in case of emergency dick; because she’s been wondering why you haven’t tried it and what it might be like. Unless he’s trash it won’t be any chance of putting that genie back in its bottle.

If you’re tricking
You ever heard the saying “whatever you’re not willing to do, someone else is”? Sure you have. That person is the trick. Typically he’s not best looking guy or the smoothest but he has that bag and he’s willing to share it for a sexual favor or two. Think of that old dude in “Set it Off” that gave Jada the strokes for little brother's tuition money. It’s a few things that her man isn’t willing to do or isn’t in a position to do and the trick is waiting because these bills ain’t gonna pay themselves.

If you’re popping
(Popping – in social or economic position to move more freely than most) Women typically cheat up financially and/or aesthetically to the type of guy they would like to date but probably wouldn’t date them in return. Think of your auntie drooling over Denzel Washington. Would your auntie date Denzel if giving the opportunity? Yes she would; leaving a “Dear John” letter for your uncle and cousins. Would Denzel date your auntie? Probably not; he’d probably call security on her if she evaded his personal space. The sky is not the limit. Women will continue to date guys in their perspective “leagues” and keep an ongoing dick appointment with the guy that’s popping. It’s like groupie logic but watered down for everyday people.

You just might be A1 side dude material
Jean DeGrate has spoken