Saturday, February 17, 2018

She wants your man but he just wants to borrow your girl


I just finished watching the Chris Rock Netflix special. Man I swear they are giving everybody a check except Mo'nique. I mean Chris Rock is Chris Fucking Rock but they gave Katt Williams one and his last hit of anything of importance was a viral video of him getting choked out by an 8th grader... so yeah. Anyway. Chris was talking about how women will want your man; which is true because women play for keeps and shit. Men will only borrow your girl they don't really want her. Fuck all that Rick Springfield shit. Nobody actually wants Jesse's girl but Jesse. This is also true. It's a few times I thought I wanted another man's girl but a wise man once said popcorn always smells better than it taste. Hot buttered popcorn smells like heaven but the taste leaves a bit to be desired. Now I want some popcorn and I don't even eat popcorn. We're getting off topic. Let’s back to it.

A woman will take your whole ass man
If she wants your man she’ll put in the man hours and work her way up the circuit. She’ll do a few months in a side chick apprenticeship program while studying her competition. Consistently over stepping her boundaries; sabotage his existing relationship and get his main girl all the way up the fuck up out of there. Women don’t mind taking your gently used man off your hands and laying directly in your warm spot in the same bed. These bytches are savages but enough about that.

On to the men…

I once thought I wanted Jesse’s girl right up until I fucked Jesse’s girl. I mean she was the best type of girl. She was holding shit down for the homie. Around the 3rd stroke all that shit went up in smoke. She went from the best girl ever to UNFAITHFUL BITCH at the speed of light. I mean I still finished. I don’t want anybody to think I pulled out on some “Oh my God I can’t do this” type shit. She was dumb phat; my apartment could have caught on fire and I probably still would have finished. What I learned on that night 95% of men already inherently knew and nobody fucking told me. Which leads me to bullet point number 1…

Men know we can’t make your girl loyal to us
Ok off top… Men don’t have those delusions of grandeur. There will be no BBD “I thought it was me” moments when it comes to infidelity. Any man with halfway decent sense would never be in Kevin Hart’s wife (Eniko’s) situation. If she cheated on buddy with him it’s no way on earth he’s going to have confidence in being the exception to the rule. He’s not going to believe that he was that swagged up or that cool to make her give up on her morals  and give him some pussy. Nope. Women are way cockier in that arena because her vagina is life altering, mind altering, and earth shatteringly exceptional. I mean if his girl was that great why the fuck is he on her line anyway?

Men barely want the women they have
Remember how much Al Bundy hated Peggy Bundy? If you were after 1995 that reference means absolutely nothing to you. Just run your young ass off to Google right fast and double back. Men are constantly holding back a thin layer of disdain for the women in our lives. We love you but we also don’t like you and we just bite our lips a press on. The more you’re around a person the less appealing they naturally become regardless of sex but women have mastered the art of being annoying as shit for no good reason. Some women even pride themselves on their ability to be annoying. True story.

Men don’t want your girl
Another’s man girl is like a weekend rental car. It’s fun. You can drive it like a mad man with reckless abandon then return it Sunday night and never look back. It’s no maintenance or upkeep. The boyfriend is dealing with all her attitude, listening to all her silly stories and tending to her day to day needs (and girlfriend be needing shit).  No Christmas, no birthdays and no Valentine’s Day; because that all falls under the boyfriend doctrine of 1953. When you borrow another man’s girl you’re essentially getting the highlight reel version of her while he’ll be getting the MCM praise on IG because he ran to Target to pick up tampons and plays step daddy to her bad ass kids.

Women are down to take her spot and men just want to breeze thru
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, February 5, 2018

7 Shows I’d Rather See a Reboot of Instead of Martin

Now let me say this first... if you didn't already know I'm a TV snob. I've been putting people on to dope TV since cable boxes had an A and B side. I legitimately wasted my 20's out in the clubs and chasing women when I could have been at home watching TV. You see where I'm coming from? Cool.

I’ve never been a super fan of Martin, but I chalked it up the fact that this show started when I was 12 years old and maybe the humor was too advance for my young mind to grasp.  Lucky for me Martin reruns went into super syndication in my 20’s and I was given the chance to see every single fucking episode at least 11 times during the course of the last 15 years.  Yep… Still not a great show; Martin isn’t in my top 5 shows starring a stand up comedian, featuring a black couple living in Detroit during the 90’s on network television.  You can call me a hater and I know my opinion on this is hugely unpopular, but the people that think Martin is the greatest show ever are the same people that think Power is a better show than The Wire. Anyway… on with the list.

1. Married with Children
Married with Children was an all-around great show. Sure 98% of Al Bundy’s antics wouldn’t fly in today’s super politically correct world but I’d love to see it retool for this era of social media. Bring back the Bundy’s. Kelly Bundy om Snapchat would be extra lit.

2. The Jamie Foxx Show
Of course not the Jamie Foxx Show as in starring Jamie Foxx but a sitcom set in a black owned hotel would be lit. Plus the Jamie Foxx is and was WAAAAAAAAAY funnier than Martin.

3. The Steve Harvey Show
I can’t stand Steve Harvey. I didn’t even like him when the show was on the air but the supporting cast was dope and the premise was great. I hated everything about Harvey though. His mustache, suits and that dumb ass hi-top fade. With all that said, I will totally take a washed up pseudo celebrity singer turned high school music teacher.

4. Girlfriends
Tracee Ellis Ross and company were ahead of their time with a sitcom focused on single professional women not named Sex in the City. I mean they squeezed 6 seasons, 94 episodes and 2 feature length movies out of Carrie Bradshaw on HBO (it’s only 67 episodes of Game of Thrones.)  Reboot Girlfriends on a network with a budget to hire actually writers and a half way decent cast and it would be golden (pun intended). Side-note: Sex in the City aged terribly. Makes you want to throw something at your TV it’s so bad in retrospect.

5. The Chappelle Show
Because it’s the phcking Chappelle Show and we need Dave Chappelle on TV way more than we ever needed Martin calling Pam beady bead or fighting giant rats on vacation.

6. Smallville
Way before Gotham was popping on Fox; Smallville was killing it on the CW. They are slanging superhero shows like fliers after the club. It’s like 10 of them on primetime network TV so why not bring back young Clark Kent?

7. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
First off who doesn’t love a sudden “rags to riches” story? Terrorists; that’s who.  Are you a terrorist? Oh ok then. The Fresh was such a great show that they swapped out dark skin Aunt Viv and we ain’t even care. You think they could have swapped out Gina’s apple headed ass without major backlash?  No, they couldn’t; because if they could they would have swapped her out instead of filming with her or Martin offset. Ok aside from that Jeffery’s shade was legendary. Imagine the hype beast fashion they stick the rebooted Will in. Supreme, Yeezy, Balmain, Gucci, Moncler, Off-White? It would be crazy. Not to mention the Carlton dance is forever a classic and permanent staple in urban culture. Unfortunately the perfect guy to play Uncle Phil 2.0 is Anthony Anderson and he’s already on a dope show.

Somebody get Leslie Moonves on the phone
JD got some show rebooting ideas.

Monday, January 15, 2018

I’m going to See Black Panther and I’ll Punch You in the Face If You Ruin My Movie Going Experience

Black Panther is a month away and I haven’t seen black people so excited about anything since Obama got elected (1st term). Funny thing about it is the character has been around for over 50 years. He predates Storm (X-Men), The Falcon (the other big screen black member of the Avengers), Luke Cage and John Stewart’s Green Lantern. Matter of fact buddy used to be married to Storm #BlackLove #RelationshipGoals. Anyway I know the Negro community is coming out in full force; like there will be Avatar box office numbers; this shit might make George Lucas blush. The internet is phcking buzzing with people buying out entire movie theaters and dressing in themes.

I’m not with the shits.

I’m a comic book fan. I’m an avid movies goer. I’m a cinema aficionado. So I’m in the building EARLY for all comics that end up on the big screen i.e. I saw Hell Boy in the movies and it was terrible but it was my civil duty to see it.

I been on this shit; so much so I put my daughter on to this shit. With that said Madi nor JD is here for your shenanigans. I’ve comprised a short list of things that you should do to save yourself from getting punched in the face while trying to enjoy the Black Panther Marvel experience. Here it is…

1. Shut the fuck up the moment the trailers begin.

Not only did other patrons come for the movie we came for the trailers too. It’s a pivotal part of the movie going experience and could possibly line up future theater trips.

2. Stay shutting the fuck up

Don’t clap, howl, whistle or any of that noisy shit when your favorite character comes on screen. Trust me; they can’t hear you in Wakanda. Save your applause. Skip all the loud outburst during action scenes. No need to cheer T’Challa on. He got this, once again trust me, and not to let the cat out of the bag but the good guy wins. That’s the general theme thus far in the superhero genre of films.

3. Stay seated when the credits start to roll

The movie isn’t over. Sure the climax, falling action and dénouement have come and gone but Marvel tends to toss a couple of scenes in after the credits that are Easter eggs for upcoming releases. So if a wave of you movie neophytes rush out blocking the screen the people true to this Marvel shit might miss something pertinent.

You got it?

Good.

Because I will punch you in your fucking face if you ruin my movie.

Jean DeGrate is about that action

Friday, January 5, 2018

I’m Off That for The 2018

Yeah I’m off a few things for the New Year. Not in that “I’m cutting folks off” type of way or the “new year new me” type of way either. Even though I’m writing this blog I’m not exactly turning over a new leaf but I definitely left some things in 2017. Oh let’s do this.

Trump getting impeached

Donny was inaugurated on January 20th, 2017 and by the 23rd I was waiting for the impeachment procedures to begin. It never came. Donny appointed his idiots friends in positions of power. Donny (or people really close to Donny i.e. Don Jr.) colluded with the Russians. Donny fired staffers and agency heads with reckless abandon. Donny trampled on diplomatic relations. Donny traded verbal jabs and threatened nuclear war with North Korea. Donny spent more time on the golf course than he did in the oval office. He real live spent most of his days in office, that weren’t spent golfing, trying to undo everything Obama did in two terms. Donald John Trump pardoned fucking Sheriff Joe Arpaio. I gave up hope. Hopefully 3 years from now there’ll be somebody else taking office not named Donald Trump or Mike Pence.

Astrological signs

Hi, I’m Jean DeGrate. I’m a Capricorn and I have selectively unlimited data plan so if you see me being active on social media but not responding to your text blame Sprint. I enjoy short walks to the fridge and lifting heavy shit up then putting it back down. If I had a Tinder account I’m pretty sure this would be my bio. I don’t celebrate my astrological sign. I don’t post Capricorn season memes. I don’t read my horoscope (unless I’m on the train and my cellphone service is shaky and in that case I read all the horoscopes via the newspaper). I don’t believe that my father hit it raw in March was the deciding factor on who I became as a person. I’ve legit told several people my sign was other shit than it was and all they said in return is “You’re totally a Sagittarius” or whatever sign that rolled off my tongue at the time. So in the 2018 I’m not even going to answer that question. I’m going Marshawn Lynch with the Seahawks on these people…
Her – What’s your sign?
JD – Thank you for asking. I’m just here so I don’t get fined.

Giving unwarranted advice to vagina owners

I’m accustomed to people coming to me for advice; so much so that if a person starts telling me a story I’m already waiting to tell them how they fucked up. I’m so serious; people that I don’t know at all reach out to me via social media to get my take on their personally experiences. Have you seen the shit I post on social media? How did I become the voice of reason? Lord knows, but I’m here now. Anyway I’ve been doling out advice all over the place to women that didn’t ask for it. They’d call me to vent and I’d politely interject with all my sage like wisdom. They’ll listen to me, extra engaged with all nods in agreement and shit. They’re here for it. Then the conversation will end and they’ll go back to doing whatever dumb shit they were already planning to do. Fast forward a few days, a few weeks, a few months and I’ll witness the ruin of them marching to their own beat whilst failing to adhere to my counsel. The funny thing is they’re on the path they were always meant to be on and while I’m sitting there mad that they didn’t listen like what they eat makes me shit. A classic example of me giving a fuck when it ain’t my turn to give a fuck.

Giving business to struggle establishments and complaining about the service

You ever wonder why people praise the service at Chick Fil A so much? I do. People aren’t used to getting top tier service in fast food establishments. I go to the drive-thru at Wendy’s and they put onions and pickles on my burger after I specifically told them no onions 3 times then I flip out about it when I get home? For the fuck what? I’m just going to scrap the onions off and pick off the pickles then eat my burger. I go to my neighborhood Shoe City and the 16 year old pimple faced kid goes to get the shoes then never comes back and now I want to talk to the manager? Why? Should I make a fuss and try to get this kid fired from a job I wouldn’t do? I know where I am. I know what to expect. I know what they are paying the employees. Nobody is retiring from these spots.

I’m on a new level
Jean DeGrate is over all that other shit

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

I know you think it’s a thing but it’s not really a thing

Since a new year has begun we have to let some things die. I mean it’s some things that used to be a thing but times have changed and it’s not a thing anymore. You can die on these hills if you like but chances are you’ll be dying alone. So let’s just get right into it…

Relationship things

I know I’ve said this before but I feel like I can stand to say it again and then a few more times after that. There’s no such thing as relationship things. Things that were taboo outside of a relationship 10, 15, 20 years ago are commonplace now. Without a title everything is just friends with benefits (and most of you are probably not even friends). Those sleepovers, dates and Christmas gifts still doesn’t equate to a relationship until an agreement is reached. So for the record…
You met their kids… not a relationship thing
You met their parents… not a relationship thing
You’re their emergency contact… not a relationship thing
You get my drift right? Good. Moving on.

Chivalry

I’m sorry but chivalry is no longer a thing. You can’t be anti-sexism and pro-chivalry because to be chivalrous is to be sexist. Equality really killed chivalry and the millennials aren’t carrying the antiquated lopsided torch of the generations passed. The fire hasn't completely died out but it's fading fast.

Owning a car

Unless you live in the distant country of Waldorf you probably don’t really need a car. Most urban areas have Uber and Lyft and cabs and subways and shit. You can literally Uber everywhere. Especially since on average 90% of the time you own your car it's parked, that's probably a waste of money, unless of course you work for Uber.
 

Being well traveled

100 years ago being well traveled was a thing and it was reserved for those who had serious wealth. Traveling 25 miles outside of where you were born was a feat and chances are if you did that you were never coming back. Today you can get a flight on JetBlue for the price of a pair of Jordan’s and be a 1000 miles away from home before dinner time. It’s 2018 the only people that aren’t well traveled are the homeless and the people that have decided not to. The same people that were Ponzi scheming their friends to flip $20 into $160 are the same people that will be on South Beach on Memorial Day weekend. Sorry but shut up about your passport stamps and enjoy your vacations. Post your pictures and leave out all the pseudo stunting because you ain't doing shit.

Using weed

Weed is the new alcohol. Everybody is doing it. Old people, young people, white people, black people, blue people; everybody is doing it with the exception of Mike Pence and Jeff Sessions. If you see somebody with a blunt hanging off their lips in an Instagram pic it’s no different than you posting a picture of your 5th of Hennessey. Don’t be that person. It’s legal now and the safety stats favor marijuana over your cocktail of choice.

That shit over fam. Fight me.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, December 22, 2017

The 5 Signs You Might be in a Hood Mall

Hey ladies and gentlemen tis the season to buy a gain of shit for your love ones in the name of Jesus’ birthday. It’s lit. I know a lot of us have moved over to online shopping but sometimes we have to set foot in an actually brick and mortar establishment; especially for those last minute gifts. I know it sucks that the internet has yet to completely do away with us ever having to leave the comfort of our homes, but it is what it is though. So here I am with this helpful list to make you aware of your shopping surroundings.

1. You might be in a hood mall if there are at least four sneaker stores.

It’s going to be a plethora of Footlockers, Footactions, DTLRs, Shoe Cities and Jimmy Jazz; people that frequent hood malls buy a lot of Jordan’s and a vast assortment of other sneakers made in Taiwan. Come to think of a hood mall is the only place that 4 or more stores carrying the exact same products, for the same price within walking distance of each other can flourish. Sneaker stores in hood malls have to be the only thing keeping the entire complex in business.

2. You might be in a hood mall if there are at least two jewelry stores/kiosks ran by people of Middle Eastern decent.

I love those crazy Arabs. They will start slashing prices before you even ask to look at anything. “For you my man, I’ll do it for $800.” The sticker price will say something crazy like $3000. Can you imagine what your profit margin has to be in order to cut 75% of the sticker price? That should be the first sign that you’re in for an ass fucking. They are supplying the black community with cloudy diamonds set in 8k gold at 500% markup of what it’s worth if you tried to sell it 30 seconds later.

3. You might be in a hood mall if there is a barber and/or hair dresser, a beauty supply store and a nail salon AKA the black trifecta.

Beauty supply stores are never in nice neighborhoods. It’s a nationwide zoning law. You should probably write a letter to your local congressman because even when you get out of the hood you’re going to have to come back to get a good flat iron and a quality bonnet. The ante is upped when you see a nail salon, barber shop and the beauty supply store all under the same roof.

4. You might be in a hood mall if there are less than two major department stores

First off JC Penny is NOT a major department store. Kohl’s is NOT a major department store. Both are really just glorified K-Marts. Major starts with Macy’s and that really the bottom rung. They need a Macy’s in combination with a Lord & Taylor or something just to ensure you’ll make it across the parking lot after dark without getting your bags snatched.

5. You might be in a hood mall if there is a store that’s probably a drug front.

A store that only sells leather jackets, a magazine and newspaper spot, a store with a plaid short-sleeved suit displayed in the window? Yeah they all are laundering money. It’s no way they can keep the lights on. Nobody is buying the shit they are selling and clearly that’s the business format that works for them.

Honorable mention…the mall security car looks like a real live police car

Keep your head on swivel; stay woke.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

5 Women with Convenient Jobs I Would Love to Date 2.0

In this new age of high earning independent women that still wants a man to pay all of the bills and still not have “shut the fuck up” rights. They don't want roommate but they damn sure don't want to let him call the shots either. In light of this; I’m considering another path. I wrote this blog before but I said to myself “self it may be about time to revamp this” because after 7 years I kept the same energy. I can get myself a city council woman, a doctor, a lawyer, a women with 50 11 degrees or a captain of industry but at the end of the day what’s in it for me? I mean I’m paying the bills, I’m paying for the dates, I’m taking out the trash and bringing in the groceries. Where are the perks? Bragging rights to my homies? Posting her as my Woman Crush Wednesday holding her degrees? I don’t see how that would benefit me any. I need something a bit more practical. I need something that will pay off now and for the foreseeable future; a foundation we can build on. I’ve came up with a list of occupations that would benefit me. Here we go…

1. Target Employee
This is number 1 and I mean number one with a motherfucking bullet. It’s always a woman working in Target wearing the shit of those khakis looking phat as fuck. But aside from women looking good in tan pants I spend an obscene amount of money there. In this year alone I’m sure I’ve spent enough to feed a family of four breakfast, lunch, dinner and a snack every day for all 2018. Having a woman on the inside would give me a heads up on sales and keep me from setting foot in there every week getting caught up in that labyrinth and spending a mint on things I don’t need. Top that off with her discount and I might be on my way to Mervis to price a ring.

2. DTLR/Ubiq/Footlocker House of Hoops manager.
Sneaker resale is crazy with these 300 and 400% markups. Buying sneakers that I want at retail price is impossible. Long gone are the days of walking into the mall on a Saturday afternoon and picking up the latest release. I need a plug and there is no better plug than an in house plug. I need my Yeezy’s. I need my OG Jordan 1’s. I need those girl sizes for Madi too. I don’t want to stand in line. I don’t want to pay quadruple. I just want my girl to come home with my shoes.

3. Costco
The lines at Costco are legendary. I bull shit you not; there’s been trips to Costco that I’ve spent more time in line than I’ve actually spent shopping. The hours don’t really work around my schedule so any visit takes advance planning. Other than that Costco is Target on steroids. Plus Costco was listed as one of the best places to work in America so future Mrs. DeGrate should be happy there. Shooting my girl a text to bring home a few of those USDA prime ribeye steaks and a lifetime supply of paper towels is clutch. Also Costco pizza is everything and they don’t deliver.

4. Saks/Neiman Marcus/Bergdorf Goodman
I like my high end shit. I’m prone to buying a $500 T-shirt from time to time. I have 1 or 40 something pairs of European designer shoes with names that end with a vowel. And you know what’s WAY better than being able to afford high end shit? Getting high end shit at the employee discount. I can almost see the savings. I’ll never pay full price for again. If you’re reading this, single and working in Mazza Gallerie or Tyson’s 2 my DM’s are open. Don’t be shy drop me a line.

5. AMC Movies
You know what my kid and I do a lot of? We go to the movies. Every Marvel movie; we’re in there. Every DC movie, we’re in there. Action or animation; we’re in there. If it’s a 3D option; we’re going with that and plush reclining pre-selected seats are a must. Top this off with snacks and I’m easily dropping $50 per visit. I need to at least be getting in the movies for free. I need a girl that’s going to wave me and the kid in. Plus Star Wars: The Last Jedi, The Shape of Water, Jumanji and Pitch Perfect 3 all drop this month; I can see the money walking out of my pocket. Movie bae I need you. Please save me money.

Having a CEO for a girlfriend at some corporation is a bragging point, I guess, but #1 bought a Target discount to the table.
Jean DeGrate has spoken