Friday, May 25, 2018

Men are actually DTF

I dropped a blog earlier this week detailing how women are not really DTF due to the fact that…

1. Women almost exclusively fuck on their own terms

2. Women discriminate A LOT (and I mean a whole fucking lot)

The majority of men don’t have those hang ups. A LARGE percentage of men indiscriminately fuck . I don’t think women really wrapped their heads around it. I didn’t really see it on a large scale until I had to defend my blog by pointing out women’s unwillingness to fuck (excluding a very small percentage and even that is mood based).  See the problem is I don’t think you people know what "Down To Fuck" actually means. Let me help you.

Ok we all understand the F part so I don’t feel like I really need to flesh that out. We’re going to focus on the “Down to” portion. So DT means open to the suggestion or invitation to of whatever the ending word eludes to. Like “Down to hit a bar” is pretty clear cut. “Down to eat” needs to no explanation. I think that where a lot of women folk got lost.

This isn’t a man bashing blog but men are gross. This is a fact not an opinion. I’ve heard several men in my lifetime say “I don’t turn down nothing but my collar” it’s a pretty common saying amongst the 40 and over men folks. I once worked this guy, Charles Cooper and yes that’s his real name; his mantra was “I don’t turn down nothing but my collar”. Now Chuck was married with 2 kids and very unattractive. His teeth were the color of lemonade. The hair he had remaining on his head closely resembled lint gently sprinkled over melted brown wax. He wore those Harlem Nights Redd Foxx glasses and I’m just going to stop here because it was all bad. I don’t know what was more amazing; the fact that he found a woman to marry him and bare his children or the fact that he was ready and willing to cheat on that woman so indiscriminately. I think this was my first revelation of how DTF men really are but let me bring it home and make it real for you.

Men aren’t going to let any silly shit like titles and relationships get in the way of fucking

Men will knowingly fuck another man’s girlfriend. Men will knowingly fuck another man’s wife. Men will knowingly fuck his homie’s baby mother. Men will risk sexual harassment at work to fuck a co-worker. Men will fuck their kids’ teachers. Men will knowingly fuck his girlfriend/wife’s friends and co-workers. Remember in Baby Boy when Jody got the head off of Yvette’s co-worker then stormed out? Yeah; that was a crock of shit because that would never happened. In real life he would have gotten that nut off.

First baby mothers

It’s a lot dudes out here with that first baby mother looking Biggie Smalls in drag especially if they had that kid between 17 and 24 before they got their lives together. That’s the stage of his life when he was driving the Crown Victoria with no AC and mismatched painted doors. Meanwhile, that second baby mother that he knocked up after he got his money up and life together looks like an Instagram model. Why you ask? Because men are down to fuck the women willing to fuck them and even procreate with them from time to time.

Prison is super gay

I don’t know any openly gay drug dealers, gang bangers, burglars or members of any mob. Somehow, someway being locked in a cell turns heterosexual criminals into gay inmates. You know all that rape that they push in prison movies and TV shows? Yeah; that’s not really a thing. These men are willingly fucking each other. Not all of them but a whole lot of them are prison gay DTF.

Men pay for sex

Nothing says DTF more than a willingness to purchase sex and purchase it from a vast amount of vendors. The same guys that doen’t eat fast food, that lives in the gym, that drives luxury cars and watches YouTube reviews before making a purchase will hand over $300 to a random stripper to get off a nut in a dimly parking lot. Yeah we about that life. Not only are we down to fuck a total stranger we are down to pay that total stranger to fuck us.

I rest my case your honor
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Myth - These Hoes Are Everywhere

"These hoes; they for everybody" - Juicy J

So a tweet that made it to Facebook read....

"There are women out here who are DTF, no strings attached. But men don't want them; they're "hoes". They want to manipulate and break down a woman who wants more into settling for just sex. Mentally deranged." 

The first time I saw it on the timeline I read it, laughed and kept scrolling. The second time I saw it I scanned a few comments then went about my business. The third time I saw it a read the comments and the generally consensus of the vagina owning parties was "Where's the lie". The men manipulating women into settling for sex part has some truth to it. She could work on the phrasing a bit but the general gist of men using shading practices to get sex is pretty spot on. The part that is absolutely false is the "There are women out here who are DTF; no strings attached" bit. And if you don't know DTF translates into "down to phck". I mean there are women out here that are DTF but those women are commonly referred to as prostitutes.

I'm glad we got that out of the way now we can get to these readily accessible DTF hoes. 

To me the term hoe covers both sexes but in this blog I'll only focus on women.

I know hoes; in different area codes. I've studied hoes and I mean legitimate hoes with a body count that well exceed their years on earth. (Simple hoe equation Body count - Age = hoe status) After all what makes a hoe a hoe is volume; please don't ever forget it. Via my studies I've learn these mythical hoes that phck on command don't exist but let me break it down for you...

Women don't embrace being a hoe
Samantha and Carrie were dropping bodies for 6 season of "Sex in the City" but at the same time they weren't here for everybody. Nobody could randomly grab either one of them by the hand and lead them to a bathroom stall to smash it out. The "I'm DTF" hashtag will never take off. There will never be a "Hoe is life" bummer sticker for sale. A woman can dropped 20 bodies in a weekend but she ain't a hoe she just did some hoe shit. She might have had a hoe phase but it was never a way of life. She was young and dumb. She was exploring her sexuality via a summer of one night stands but she is now or has ever been a hoe. 

Being straight forward doesn't work
Asking for nudes is a great way to get your contact info deleted and blocked but we're supposed to believe that asking for sex straight up is a feasible tactic. Nah fam.  Ok being straight forward can work but you can't be just an ordinary guy. David Beckham can be straight forward. LeBron James can be straight forward. Drake can be straight forward. Brad Pitt can be straight forward. Pretty much any man that can't walk down a public street without being asked for autograph can afford to be straight forward and the odds will be heavily in his favor. Now for the rest of us... No dice. Being straight forward is a great way to get smacked. The "I'm just trying to fuck" line will fail 99.9999% of the time and probably get you cursed out for the culture.

Women fuck on their own accord
Vagina all have that sign that you fine at the entrance of fast food restaurants "we reserve the right to refuse service for any reason". Men don't really have a lot of say when it comes to getting the pussy outside of accepting it the first few times. Everybody is familiar with the term "He talked himself out of the pussy" right? Right. Most of the time there is no direct declarations that a man is in the running for some sex. Women decide when and who they are going to fuck. Women intentionally put themselves in positions to get fucked. They'll have an entire game plan together and all the man has to do is play his part and don't do anything stupid. 

You know a girl that DTF? Tag her below. I have questions.
Jean DeGrate is calling your bluff

Thursday, May 10, 2018

Men be lying

Yup we are dishonest and I know you know this but probably not to the full extent so let me put you on game right quick.  Men lie. That’s what we do. We lie to make women feel special. We lie to give the illusion of common ground. We lie to seem better than what we are. And believe it or not none of this is malicious; well at least our intentions are not to be malicious. And this is what we lie about the most…

1. His ex

It’s rare that a man will take the blame for the deterioration of his last relationship or at the very least he’ll misconstrue the facts to justify his wrong doings. In actuality he’ll paint the image of his ex being the bad guy. It doesn’t matter if he cheated on her, beat on her and neglected her.  He’ll also paint the image of her wanting that old thing back further adding the myth that he’s a greater catch than he is.

2. Common interest

Men are the originators of being about that “me too” life they just do it in a less obvious way. Remember when Vanessa Bell-Calloway was telling Eddie Murphy “whatever food you like” and “whatever music you like” in the beginning of Coming to America? Of course you do it’s an American classic. Guys have that same energy but do it in a much smoother way. Half of his battle to winning women over is making it seem like him and the women of his interest are long lost kindred spirits. Guys ask open ended questions, discovery your interest and instantly morph into the man of her dreams. Now ya’ll read the same books, listen to the same music and eat the same foods.

3. Being treated well

Men love to act like Oliver Twist. You know the orphan born in a workhouse who never knew an act of kindness? Y’all fucking with Charles Dickens right? Anyway we love to act like motherfuckers never loved us; no Drake. We love to pretend like we’ve been mistreated and used by every woman prior to meeting the new woman.  The new woman comes along and everything she does is magic.  If she shows up to his home with a flat half empty bottle of Rock Creek grape soda he’ll act like she bought him some of the wine Jesus made at the first fish fry. If she offers to pay the tip on dinner he’ll act as if you just offered to pay off his student loans. Every small gesture, every nicety and every time she takes his empty dinner plate to the sink is a whole new experience for him. (Which in turn changes into entitlement issues down the road but that’s a different topic for a different blog.) In a nutshell we lie and make a big deal out of basic shit; you know like when you child shows some trash ass art they made.

4. The quality of your vagina and your cooking

If neither your vagina nor food is trash; I mean both just have to be ok we will act like it is the best thing we’ve ever experienced. Why you ask? Because we want you to feel special and it isn’t anything else to it.

5. His situation

Men have problems with transparency. You want us to keep in 100 and counteroffer is 87 at best. We’re going to omit shit, conveniently forget shit and straight up lie about shit. Like his baby mother is crazy and bitter but omit the fact that he made her crazy and bitter because he sold her a dream, knocked her up and turned her into a baby mother. We’ll forget to mention that we live in our homies basement instead of an actual basement apartment. We’ll forget to mention we got our Benz at auction with 193k miles on it and it’s on its last leg but we keep the rims clean. We will forgot to mention pretty much anything that will make a woman look at us sideways and potentially be a deal breaker. Then we just lie about the other shit if you back us into a corner and by in a corner I mean ask any direct questions.

We be lying and you will deal
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, May 7, 2018

If Slavery Was a Choice You'd Probably Be a Slave if…

Real talk I have about 30 of these “You'd probably be a slave if “ rolling around in my head right now but it’s Monday morning and I have some work to do so I’m rattle off 5 of 6 of them. I might swing back around and give up another 10 or so because I think that as far as I can go because some of these are wild off color. If you know me in real life hit my line and I’ll tell you a few because I can’t put this shit in print.

Slavery most definitely was NOT a choice. Mainly because the slave population was out numbered 10 to 1 by the whites, black people weren't considered people and they were dependent on their oppressors for survival. But fuck all that let's pretend the options exceeded beyond slave or die and Negroes could just up and leave to live out their dreams. So with that let's walk hand in hand down the road of make believe.

You'd probably be a slave if you're out of shape
Unfortunately there wasn't an actual train on the Underground Railroad. It was a lot of walking, running and wading in the water and shit. So if you're the catch an elevator up to the 3rd floor type you'd more than likely still be picking cotton. Flourish.

You'd probably be a slave if you live with your mom
Failure to launch in the world of supposedly equal rights and shit is a plight on to itself. Now just imagine stepping out on your own into a world that absolutely hates you outside of shackles. Foregoing room and board and everybody you've ever known to step out into the unknown is probably not the move for you.

You'd probably be a slave if you have allergies
All you hay fever having Claritin D popping motherfuckers would be miserable cutting thru the backwoods on the road to freedom. You can't be coughing and wheezing with the slave recovery unit hot on your trail. You'd give your position away and be on your way back to the plantation to get your foot cut off.

You'd probably be a slave if you're soft
The runaway slave life is no life for a bitch ass nigga. If you've ever cried after a hard day of work you might not be strong enough to be on the run in Pre-Civil War America. If you've ever let a person bully you you're not about to rise up against these odds.

You'd probably be a slave if you're on forever drugs
For those that aren't familiar with the term "forever drugs" it's slang for prescription medication that you have to take until you die. Opting out of slavery also means opting out of your health insurance. So you asthma, arthritis and those other ailments will have to do without in this no coloreds allowed society.

You'd probably be a slave if you can't commit to a cause
You were boycotting H&M but you couldn't fit your clothes from last spring. You considered boycotting Starbucks but 7-11 coffee sucks. To be perfectly honest the furthest you're come to sticking it to the man is using the Black Lives Matter hashtag. You're not in the business of pushing yourself out of your comfort zone so as long as you're getting fed with Sundays off all is fine.

You'd probably be a slave if you're a Christian
It's a lot of things the bible is against like eating shellfish, eating pork, fried chicken and mixing fabrics in your outfit. But slavery was A OK. Jesus and the Jews wanted slaves to stay in their lanes.

You'd probably be a slave if you can't fight
It's bad enough as a slave you didn't know how to read, write, ride a horse or operate a gun so the ability to throw them hands is the bare minimum of survival skills. When it’s time to over throw master and them what exactly are you going to be doing?

You’d probably be a slave if you’re bad with money
You think black have a hard time getting loans and shit now; I can’t wait to tell you not a bank in the land was going to let your used to be a slave ass hold shit. All you chapter 11, repos and foreclosures, check to check people going to be right back on the plantation with Toby and them the first time you fuck up the money.

You’d also probably be a slave if you were black because you were black I’m just saying tho
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Kids are a scam

***Before I give anybody the wrong idea I love my fuck trophy because, real talk, it was between her and a 2004 Aston Martin DB7 with 6,000 miles on the dash. I don't have an Aston Martin. I stopped driving my Lexus coupe because her legs were getting too long and now I drive a car the size of a boat with enough leg room for LeBron James. My kid is me 2.0 but better looking (and if "me 2.0" went over your head we both ain't shit in perfect harmony).***

First off I'm out of the kid game. Yup, that's absolutely right, my penis and I are done making new people.  That has nothing to do with kids being a scam and everything to do with me not wanting to start over again once Madi turned 5. The idea of having a person in my home that doesn't speak the language and spends the majority of their day eating, shitting and sleeping doesn't really work for me. Enough about me though. Outside of explosive shits, random vomiting after meals and sleepless nights there are so many more child terrors that aren't being spoken about.

Babies are wild expensive
When I had my kid I had money so it's not like she sent me to the poor house. I didn't have to decide between Gucci shoes and baby formula but in retrospect that bill was heavy. Infant child care was higher than my rent (and it's even higher now 10 years later).  Place that on top of the fact that babies need an entirely new wardrobe every 3 to 6 months. Not to mention they are finicky eaters so half the food you buy will end up on you, the floor, the bib and every fucking where else besides in their bellies. Babies are down to put everything in their mouth except food. 

With babies everything is an emergency
Get your vacation days up. You're going to need them. Since, as previously mentioned, babies tend not to speak the language so that communication barrier is real as fuck and any sign of sickness can prompt a trip to urgent care. During those first 18 months of life you'll spend several mornings, evenings and afternoons with doctors poking and prodding your child. Get your mind right.

Toddlers are terrible people
Granted that people are the worst type of people but toddlers tend to be a special type of terrible and nobody is telling you. When people bring up the terrible 2's it's an understatement. I remember the first time I went to visit a girl that owned kids that got to wilding the fuck out. Her toddler aged son got into a tub of Country Crock. It happened so fast; one second he was running around playing with toys and then the next he was a buttered up mad man. This man had butter everywhere; butter in his hair, butter on his face, butter on the walls, butter on the TV screen, butter on the remote control, butter on the couch, pretty much anywhere he could reach it was butter there. It was hilarious to me because it was somebody else's problem. When it was my turn to deal with these shenanigans it wasn't so funny. When my kid scribbled scrabbled on the walls and said it was her name during the time when she couldn't read nor write there were zero laughs. When she gave herself a haircut there were zero laughs. When she interrupted every conversation to say some random shyt that had zero importance there were zero laughs. When she ruined brand new outfits within minutes of putting it on there were zero laughs. When she took off her shoes and sock during every car ride there were zero laughs. 

Toddlers are wild inconsiderate
90% of everything a child has to say from zero to 5 is pointless but they have to say it and you have to listen to it because that's what you signed up for. Can you imagine driving while your child is screaming your name for 5 minutes straight to the point that you start thinking it's part of the beat of the song playing? Can you imagine when you finally acknowledge them they say "I saw a dog"? Toddlers interrupt sleep, phone calls, dinner, television, sex and bowel movements. 

Kids eat your dreams and social life
People always say children are a blessing. They're not. If kids were such a blessing day care would be free. If kids are such a blessing why is it you can't find a sitter on Friday night? You ever scroll down your timeline and see a story of person that had a child as a teen and managed to graduate from college? Of course you have. It's a feat. You know how hard it is to accomplish major tasks when you're responsible for another life (or even worst lives)? Kids can make a tight budget unbearable. Kids can cut the 24 hours in a day in half. Kids can turn date night into perpetual Netflix and Chill. Kids can turn your real friends into people that you follow on IG. Sunday I took my seed to go see "Ready Player One" and if you were wondering it was dope. Anyway I ran into the homie Roc and the very first thing out of his mouth was "We just dropped the girls off. We're going to an adult movie." No "hi" or "how have you been?" He was so fucking happy. This is a guy I haven't seen in years outside of Facebook and I guess that's because he and his wife have been with the kids.

Kids are a scam stay woke
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, April 13, 2018

7 Important First Date Questions

I'm a firm believer that we date wrong. We tend to get wrapped up in people before we really know what's good for us in the long run. The starting point is asking questions that matter off top. We got to skip all that "what's your sign/what do you like to do for fun" bullshit and get to the real shit. You get the idea, right? Cool, let's just get into it. This isn't any type of order and the importance is based on your personal preference.

Do you like Tyler Perry movies?
It's two types of people in this world... People that like Tyler Perry movies and people that actually like movies. In order to exist in the same space for a long duration of time you need to know what side of the line your potential mate lands on. If you're an Oscar nod film buff chances are the Madea lover next to you won't be here for your Netflix musings.

Are you religious/spiritual?
Even though must people that claim to be religious really aren't, but either way they'll drop the God card on you in arguments to suit their narrative whether it be personal, political or socially. If you're also religious all these shenanigans will fall right into your wheelhouse. Spiritual is that religious sweet spot where people pretty much do whatever the fuck they want to do because they don't exactly subscribe to any organized religion directly but believe in a higher power typically named "The Universe". Spiritual people tend to be a bit easier going but way more subjectable to lifestyle fads like the paleo diet, homemade jewelry and men with hoop earrings. If you're spiritual this will pan out perfectly for you. If you're atheist/agnostic this will also be a great fit because spiritual people typically don't attempt to sell you on their beliefs.

Do you believe in gender roles?
Even though chivalry and gender roles are dying out some people still want a love like their grandma and grandpa had. There isn't anything wrong with that unless of course you're not about that shit. If you want a partner that you consider your equal and expect them to pull their own weight then the old school way probably isn't going to work for. This is definitely a discussion worth having sooner than later.

Are you a social media person or a person on social media?
No they are not the same people. They are very different. Some people are just online passing time, connecting with friends, still playing Farmville on Facebook, posting pictures of their kids and stealing memes and shit. Now other people are social media people where they divulge all types of personal info on a regular basis. They share their highs and lows. They live for likes and followers. They post pictures from every event. They have made several online only friends and have several online only beefs that never go farther than the screen of their smart phones. If you're not a social media person dating a social media person can be annoying as fuck.

Are you poor?
If you're broke please just scroll down to the next question.
Seriously, get your broke ass on; this isn't for you.
Poverty constantly gets in the way of shit. You can't do it big on 40k a year. It's going to be a lot of Netflix and chilling. It's going to be a lot of nights with the fire stick. Outside of having funds for entertainment (which is a hurdle within itself), but building beyond just casual dating becomes a new task. Co-habituating with a broke person kind of makes you a parent. Are you ready to take on that type of responsibility?

Are you in a relationship?
Cheating is popular as hell right now. Real live everybody is doing it; poor people, rich people, famous people, people with everything to lose and everybody else in between. It's a fair question. Nobody wants to be in a viral fight video because your bae already had a bae and that bae caught you slipping because you didn't know they existed.

Does somebody think they are in a relationship with you?
If the answer to question above this is "no" this is a very important follow up question; especially for these "I don't believe in titles" people. So they maybe single but somebody is running around with them as the screensaver on their cell phone and heart eye emojis next to their name stored in the contacts. Which can also end in a World Star Hip Hop moment or somebody sliding into your DM's to let you know what's really going on.

You might want to ask these in the first 10 minutes and save yourself some time
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Women Are Out Here Accepting the BARE Minimum

I woke up this morning and saw a blog titled "Why are women accepting the bare minimum as bae material?"

I mean I know why but I never considered actually putting it on paper. This is typically a conversation I have with people I'm pseudo life coaching because I be life coaching and shit. Anyway the article offered little insight to the cause of the issue. Some personal experience talk, a couple screen shots of tweets and few funny gifs. I don't want to call it click bait but it was.

I know why women are accepting the bare minimum. Not all women but definitely the women that don't know any better. But let me start here...

I'm a catch.

I have a job and make decent money.
I don't have any baby momma drama.
I don't have a billion kids.
I drive.
I live alone.
I've never been to jail.

See I'm a catch.

Only thing I'm not. Well at least I'm not based on that basic ass shit listed above. All of it's true but none of that shit should be considered an accomplishment by anyone over the age of 21, but somehow it is. Hence the BARE minimum, but enough about me let's get to the why.

Men do less; not exactly the least but definitely less
It's a lot of bare minimum ass niggas out here. We don't want to be labeled a trick. We don't want to be labeled a simp. We don't want to be labeled a lame. Nope. Pride too strong. Ego too big. If we even feel like we're doing too much too soon we'll ignore her text messages for a few hours just to restore balance. Let's be honest sex is a whole lot easier to get these days so all the hurdles and hoops men used to have to jump over and through are pretty much pointless. Thank God for the sexual revolution, but with that said the whole premise behind "what you did to get her is what you do to keep her" might be as slight as a "you up" text on the right night. Men tend to keep that same energy. I mean why do more do for the same result?

Men are bashed publicly and privately
Women bash men to each other via text and phone calls. Women post videos of their men cheating all over the internet. People post on all over social media how men ain't shit in intrigue detail. Other men bash men to other women in an effort to make themselves look superior to any potential competition. Some dude named Derrick Jaxn was made a career of exclusively making videos in the driver's seat of his car talking about the short comings of men. The stigma of men well, being less than men is always looming because it's being constantly promoted.

Anything seems like everything
I'd like to pretend women are used to getting shit but at the same time every 3rd girl I opened the car door for acts like I just turned water into wine. I'm Young Jesus in these streets performing miracles. Scroll back up right quick to do a recap of that "I'm a catch" bit one more time. Women really really really act like I'm that guy off the cover letter alone. I'm a regular guy. I once had a girl that I never met in real life tell me I'd make a great father for her child off of 2 phone conversations. Here's the kicker though... the young lady that told me that didn't even have a kid. Funny shit is it didn't even seem crazy to me at the time; it took about 5 years for me to think back on it and say "wow". Even when I hear women brag about their men it's some real ordinary shit. A man taking care of his kids is like a notch under curing cancer. Texting back immediately is right up there with winning a Noble Peace Prize. Men literally get credit for things that cost absolutely nothing to do like calling back when we say we're going to call back and coming up with plans for a date instead of texting "WYD" at 7p on a Friday.

Yeah that's pretty much it in a nutshell
Jean DeGrate has spoken