Monday, November 13, 2017

Let's Workout

I'm not a personal trainer but I've put my 10000 hours in.

I don’t even have a gym membership.

I smoke. I drink. I be on them milds and Hen Dawg. Shout outs to Shannon Sharpe.  I don’t always eat the best. If I was a poster type of guy I would totally have a poster of bacon in my bedroom; probably a bacon bumper sticker too. Bacon is to life as water is to fish. I could totally marry a Muslim woman because I love bacon; I love bacon enough for the both of us.

All that is beside the point.

I want yall to be fit but not to stunt on the beach in Miami but to be functional and healthy. Like to walk up 3 flights of steps with groceries or run for the train and not be on the verge of death.  This is also helpful when combined with a healthy diet in fighting off diabetes, hypertension and other washed life conditions. So if you don’t have the time, money or you rather have something to do while sitting in front of the TV this is for you...

8 Excellent exercises that only require a floor

Squats

Your body weight and hi reps is all you need for this exercise to be highly effective. It will burn fat and build muscle for the quads, glutes and hamstrings.

Crunches

Abs are built with proper diet and cardio. Don’t let anybody tell you anything different, but having a strong core is really important. It alleviates back problems and improves posture.

Leg lifts

More core strength

Mountain climbers

More core strength that target abs and lower back. It can be sped up for a greater cardio effect once form is mastered

Planks

More core strength

Wall squats

Builds muscle, firms and tones the glutes and hamstrings.

Burpees

Perhaps the greatest full body cardio exercise ever created. Also feasibly the most hated and understandably so. It’s like a squat, pushup and a jumping jack had a baby with the intention of ruining your day. Burpees always suck no matter your fitness level and that is a testament to their greatness. Truth is, if you did burpees and no other exercise you’d still be in really good shape.

Pushups

Chest, shoulders, abs, biceps and triceps all get work. There are variations for every fitness level and can be a mainstay in any work for your entire fitness journey.

Always remember it’s way easier to stay fit than it is to get fit.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, October 26, 2017

The Quality of Pussy

It’s going to be a lot analogies here so bear with me.

A couple days ago I dropped a blog and stated “Pussy is literally everywhere and readily available but unlike any other commodity it’s not regulated by exclusivity or price to determine the lesser or the greater value.” Somehow this spiraled into a conversation of “all pussy ain’t good pussy ”. I laughed. I let it simmer for a while and had a few conversations with a few good people then thought to myself “self maybe I should expand on this”.

This is me expanding…

You’re welcome.

I’ve never met a woman in my 37 years of life that didn’t live under the impression that their vagina is the best thing since sliced bread. (Side note – What was the best thing before sliced bread came along? Was sliced bread that much of a game changer that we forgot what the other thing was?) Here’s the thing if you think you have good pussy it’s a 94% chance that you are correct. It’s like 3% terrible pussy and 3% exceptional pussy. Pussy is very much like bananas. Hold on let me explain. If you like bananas chances are you can’t remember the last time you bit into a bad banana, but at the same time you probably can’t remember when you bit into an exceptional banana. Bananas for the most part are consistently good. Bananas are great that way; if it’s ripe and not all battered and bruised it’s going to be satisfactory.

Did that make sense to you?

You got it?

Ok good.

Now with anything good you can add things that either improve or worsen it. This is fundamentally true for vagina. If I get a stock BMW and throw some crazy color paint on it, neon lights on the undercarriage, zebra print on the seats and a wild ass wing on the back; it’s still a BMW. The performance is still the same, but I’ve clearly alienated some of the appeal. Now I can take that same BMW and toss the black matte paint, black out the rims and tint the windows. This car might have a broader appeal, but it’s still a BMW. Which bring me back to the fact that good pussy is readily accessible and easily obtainable but the only obstacle maybe (strictly adhering to preference and lifestyle) is finding the correct add-ons.

Did that make sense to you?

Are you sure?

Great; we are on a roll. I’m about to wrap it now.

We all know what the general consensus deems to be attractive. Small waist, hips, round ass and breast size is still really a mixed bag but let’s just say at least some boobs for the sake of argument. If you need confirmation slide over to IG and pick a random half naked woman with 100k followers; I’m sure she’ll fit into these parameters. With that said we have pretty good idea of what the consumer is interested in physically (and by consumer I mean the people interested in pussy of course). You don’t fit into any of that shit but you still get more play than elementary school recess? Good for you. Here’s a gold star. Congrats. When it comes to the physical we pretty much know what’s a sure fire draw. Now let’s side step that because it’s so many other things besides looks when it comes to appealling to the consumer base. Before a company rolls out a product they typically test the market to see if it’s something that will go over well; gather a focus group or two and do some survey’s and shit. That’s not being done with pussy. Nope. Pussy owners do their own add-ons sans any research and believe themselves to be a catch to their anticipated demographic. To say the least this garners mixed results.

So yeah your pussy is probably good, but maybe all the things that come with that pussy … not so much
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, October 23, 2017

Dating Fiscally Sound

She has her own money

We all (and by “we all” I mean you dudes; I’m 37 now I’m off that shyt) have this ideal of a woman that’s earning or has the potential to earn a high wage in some sort of white collar profession and becoming some sort of power couple. Who doesn’t want a boss bitch? Nobody tells you that it is a cost to play and you might not see a return on your investment.

Three weeks ago I posted a question on the Facebook timeline…

“You ask your dude for some money but you don’t say how much. He leaves you 500 on the dresser and tell you take what you need. You only need 150. How much do you take?”

Then it was posted by a few other people. Most of women opted to take more than 150. To be perfectly honest the women that opted to take the entire 500 were of middle class income or higher. It went on to further prove my theory that women of greater success expect more and typically cost more.  It will never be 50/50 in almost every relationship and somewhere some woman is reading this and thinking “you can put a price on the things she provides”. I can argue that down with an itemized list but that’s another blog for another day and it’s just the cost of doing business of being a man seeking companionship.

“I can do bad all by myself”
This line has been around all my dating life and I often dial down into what it actually means in private conversation but you’re in luck because today I’m putting it down in print. I can do bad all by myself – I can maintain status quo on my own so I’m not interested in dating someone whom can’t better my current position. With this being said to date a woman with an above average social-economic status, your social-economic status needs to be equal or in most case greater. This brings me to my next point…

You ain’t building no fucking empire homie
The funny thing about power couples is there isn’t many of them. If it was common and the formula was foolproof we probably wouldn’t call them power couples; they’d just be couples. You find a mate, gather resources, have some kids and split the rent. That’s the real American dream and if you really want to stunt for the Gram you get matches Benzes. The truth is if you’re a go getter you can raise your own capital and build your empire all by yourself. Jay-Z was already Jay-Z before Beyoncé. I'm just saying though. It’s a handful of women that come into a man’s life and significantly better him professionally but that’s the exception to the rule and we aren’t here to talking about the Mr and Mrs Gucci Mane’s of the world.

Vagina is not a limited commodity
I can hop of Reddit right now and find out anything I want about anything but the vagina of the woman sitting 2 barstools over from me at happy hour. Pussy is literally everywhere and readily available but unlike any other commodity it’s not regulated by exclusivity or price to determine the lesser or the greater value. Unlimited access and zero quality control makes the hoops most men jump through rather unnecessary because it guarantees no level of success for the level of energy, time and money applied. With that said leap frog over all the social-economic status BS you’re left with the ability to successfully execute adulthood tasks consistently, attractiveness and character.

They ain’t do nothing special
There aren’t any clearly defined talents or perks. Women with hirer social-economic status don’t suck more dick. Wash clothes better. Keep a cleaner homes (well they might; I can’t think of too many women that clear over 100k that didn’t maintain a spotless home; so I’ll have to get back to you on this). They’re not rubbing feet. They’re not showering men with gifts (ugly women do though, if they acknowledge that they are ugly). There is no evident level up in character or treatment from a woman in a better than average financial standing. On the flipside; there is a guaranteed addition of attitude to dealing with a woman that was already comfortable before a suitor comes along.

If that’s your driving purpose the juice might not be worth the squeeze; I’m just saying tho
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

That Time I Should Have Won Side Dude of the Year

Gather around boys and girls it’s story time with JD…

Technically I wasn’t actually the side dude. She was legit my homie. We’ll call her Teresa and yes; I was hitting Teresa on occasion throughout the span of a couple of relationships. And by occasion I mean 5 times tops. One time was exclusively out of curiosity of what that mouth might do. Ok story within a story time…

I was kind of dating girl called Sunday. I called her Sunday because I only saw her on Sundays and by only seeing her on Sundays I meant I’d come over to her house and fuck. Sunday was a pioneer of this internet stalking shit. She literally befriended every one of my female on social media. It sounds bad but back then it was like 60 in comparison today’s 2400 or so. Somehow, someway Teresa and Sunday became phone buddies and they were discussing skin care technics because Teresa has flawless skin. Anyway Sunday erupted with laughter out of the blue and exclaimed “Bitch you crazy”. Sunday turns to me and said “She says she keeps her skin clear by swallowing at least once a week”. Needless to say my interested was peaked and I immediately plotted my exit to see what that mouth does. You don’t need all the details, but I left Sunday’s house and 45 minutes later I was seeing what that mouth did. It was wonderful by the way.

Ok back to the story…

Boyfriends hate me. The only boyfriend in the history of my females having boyfriends that didn’t hate me is the homie Tangie’s husband, Russell. Anyway Teresa’s current boyfriend was really uncomfortable with her having a male best friend which is ironic for two reasons; first I didn’t have sex with her during their relationship and second he had a female best friend. On the flipside his female best friend was unattractive as in the moment I finish writing this blog I’m unfucking her unattractive. Teresa cooked up this whole scheme of me “talking” to her boyfriend’s best friend; let’s call her Ant because she kind of looks like an ant. Basically I’d go out on a date or two with Ant and her boyfriend would stop feeling uncomfortable. I agreed to this arrangement prior to seeing Ant. Upon meeting Ant face to face I threw the whole plan the fuck out the window.

Teresa pulled up on me with Ant to make the introduction when I was chilling around U Street at a random bar and BOY there was much to be desired. It’s no way I could be out in these streets with this young lady. Ant was brown skin slim built with big breast and no ass at all but that face was an absolute deal breaker. A total lack of ass is a hard mountain to overcome on any woman and when you accompany it with an unpretty face; nah son. Ain’t no mother fucking way. I needed a plan B. I was going to put her in a “phone bone and text her to death” type of situation. I’m a beast on the phone. I’m a fucking professional conversationalist. (If you’ve ever been on the phone with me for longer than 20 minutes you’d know that I’m gifted.) We exchanged info then Ant and Teresa headed on their way. I walked back into happy hour and tried to drink the image of her face out of my head.

Anyway… the next day I started operation chatterbox. I’m telling you this; I’m charming as fuck when I put my mind to it. For about 2 weeks I had her crying laughing and hanging on my every word without even hinting at a date or any sort of face to face interaction. I was ready to do a victory lab because I heard no new gripes about the friendship between Teresa and me. It was to the point that Teresa would hit my line and shoot the shit with me while her formally jealous boyfriend was sitting on the couch next to her. Mission accomplished right? Wrong. In week 3 of our usually cool and casual conversations became instantly littered with “so when am I going to see you” and my hand was pushed. I tried to duck and dodge it but she wouldn’t let it die; I was really going to have to jump on this grenade. BLOWN.

Since I was backed into a corner I set it up for a Netflix and chill type of situation well after sundown. I intentionally lined it up on the day the crew was celebrating one of the homies birthday so I could already be on some day drinking shit. I was sipping from 4p right up until she pulled up at 10p. I had a bottle in the house for her and a movie lined up. The plan was to have her come over, throw the movie on liquor her up then we’d both pass out. Nope; it didn’t play out that way. We never discussed her hidden talent of drinking like a member of a biker gang. I had a 5th of Goose and she was going shot for shot with me and I was already halfway done. I probably made it 2 thirds into the 5th before I was staring at the inside of my eyelids. I wake up to her reaching into my pants whipping my man out. My intent wasn’t to smash; I swear it wasn’t, but she started in with the head and she wasn’t half bad. She was no Teresa but it kind of sobered up me; I wasn’t anywhere near 100% lucid but my dick was 150% ready. On everything I love I normally mail it in with chicks I’m not digging, but I’m going to do like Jamie Fox and blame it on the liquor because I balled her ass up in that bed. Twice. She creeped out like 3a with a possible limp and I woke up to the meanest hangover several hours later. About 3p when I finally started to get my appetite back and my life in order; this ugly broad had the audacity to send me a selfie caption “I had fun last night”. I threw my phone across the room then jumped up and started punching the air like Trey in “Boys in the Hood” after Ricky got shot. I was mad at her. I was mad at myself. I was mad at Teresa. I was mad at Grey Goose and my head was hurting. I maintained my professionalism and tucked Ant back into the conversation only zone and eventually phased out talking to her completely over a 4 week span. No awards or plaques came for my sacrifice on that dark night. I still can’t watch documentaries about ants to this day and Teresa broke up with dude like 6 weeks later.

Not all heroes wear capes
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Saturday, September 23, 2017

You Are Ideal Side Dude Material

Like 10 days back I dropped the “You Are Ideal Side Chick Material” and I promised the male version. So here we go…

As previously stated the criteria that makes for a good side dude and a good side chick differs so greatly that I couldn’t do it in one blog. This is especially true because men would absolutely unequivocally repeatedly fuck a woman they wouldn’t be seen with in public let alone legitimately date. Women on the flipside rarely sleep with men they wouldn’t entertain in a dating capacity. In most situations a guy that’s an ideal candidate for a side position can very much flourish in Cuffing season as the main attraction. Let’s get into it.

If you appear to be a player/hoe
Women love these player/hoe types of guys as long as they aren’t the ones being played and/or cheated on. They’ll guard their hearts and open their legs while maintaining a real relationship at home. The guy that she comes home to is the man that’s good for her but the player guy just does something to her that she can’t get from her man. He’s the dessert to her main course and who doesn’t like a little dessert here and there?

If you publicly have a girlfriend and appear to be in a happy relationship
Women are petty. They like to know a guy isn’t shit. They get a kind of high from it. I used to know a girl that went to her side dudes wedding with her live in boyfriend as her date. SAVAGE. They’re not out to ruin a happy home (no Kevin Hart) just put a smudge or two on the windows. Petty shit aside; being in a relationship with something to lose makes for an excellent long term side dude and alleviates most confusion and feelings.

If you’re the work husband
Being a work husband is often a thankless job and a lot of ground work is done in an ultimately fruitless endeavor. He’s always one after work happy hour away from getting a room at the Marriott. He’s always one heated at home argument away being led into the supply closet for an afternoon delight. So close ; yet so far away. Sometimes and this is a rarity; the work husband lands into the side dude position and it’s fucking sweet. The work husband side dude has 40 hours of access to that pussy while getting paid Monday thru Friday.

If you’re the available friend that hasn’t tried it
If she calls he answers. If she text he responds within 5 minutes. It’s Wednesday at 4:59pm and she wants to hit happy hour he’s down. He’s the always there to do something fun last minute when her girls flake out and remain cool about it. He always there on the other end of the phone to kill some time. All of that somehow that translates into break in case of emergency dick; because she’s been wondering why you haven’t tried it and what it might be like. Unless he’s trash it won’t be any chance of putting that genie back in its bottle.

If you’re tricking
You ever heard the saying “whatever you’re not willing to do, someone else is”? Sure you have. That person is the trick. Typically he’s not best looking guy or the smoothest but he has that bag and he’s willing to share it for a sexual favor or two. Think of that old dude in “Set it Off” that gave Jada the strokes for little brother's tuition money. It’s a few things that her man isn’t willing to do or isn’t in a position to do and the trick is waiting because these bills ain’t gonna pay themselves.

If you’re popping
(Popping – in social or economic position to move more freely than most) Women typically cheat up financially and/or aesthetically to the type of guy they would like to date but probably wouldn’t date them in return. Think of your auntie drooling over Denzel Washington. Would your auntie date Denzel if giving the opportunity? Yes she would; leaving a “Dear John” letter for your uncle and cousins. Would Denzel date your auntie? Probably not; he’d probably call security on her if she evaded his personal space. The sky is not the limit. Women will continue to date guys in their perspective “leagues” and keep an ongoing dick appointment with the guy that’s popping. It’s like groupie logic but watered down for everyday people.

You just might be A1 side dude material
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

The Long Game 2017: 5 Weeks

I wrote the original version of this blog almost 5 years ago and from the male perspective. It could use a bit of tweaking because the dating game has changed radically (not really but jive like a little bit) and it should have been for everybody from the start. Let’s get into it…

Here’s how dating typically goes…

Boy sees girl he wouldn’t mind sticking his penis in. (Yes that’s how it goes every time. This is not debatable men approach women because they want to fukk them. Never in the history of man has a guy been eyeing a young lady from the other side of the room thinking “I bet she’s a dope person; I should go over there and get to know her”.) Boy sends girls a friend request/approaches her at the bar/slides in them DM’s and shoots his shot. Swish. Girl likes boy's appearance and the things he has to say then decides to give him some attention. Boy and girl begin to text and talk (but mainly text) then shortly after they set up a date. Boy takes out girl, feeds her, entertains her, and tells her his funny stories. Boy does his best to win girl over in pursuit of that puzzi. Boy will continue you to recycle this formula until…

A. Boy captures the box
B. Girl curves boy
C. Boy exhausts his resources (time, energy, money) or…
D. Boy starts to like girl

This typically all transpires during a 2 to 4 week span and options A B and C are normally a waste of time. The truth it’s really hard to gauge the level interest in a stranger in 3 weeks during the interview stage of dating. Everybody is on their best behavior, every outing their wearing the first day of school outfit and keeping all their skeletons in a locked closet hidden behind a dresser. New people are the most interesting people. New people always have all these adventures and all these refreshing views on the world uniquely based on their personal perspective. New people are so dope.

So instead of meeting somebody new on Tuesday and out on the town that Friday we should slow it down. Ladies you can save some time and some undue mileage on the puzzi and fellas on the flipside you can save on these $200 dates. Everybody wins with this approach just stick with me for a second.

Rule 1 – Don’t store numbers

Seems senseless right? If you’re really clicking with somebody they’ll always be in the top of your call/text log. If you have to swipe up 3 or 4 times to find this person clearly the chemistry isn’t there. Plus if you’re in frequent contact the number will start to look familiar; you might even accidently memorize it.

Rule 2 – Actually talk on the phone and often

I know this concept sounds wildly outdated but a long long time ago phones were actually for talking. Sounds crazy right? It’s true though if you go to the Smithsonian this weekend you can catch an actual exhibit of cavemen using phones that didn’t have text nor internet capabilities. Conversations move so much faster on the phone. 30 minutes of intense texting is only really 3 minutes of phone time. Communicating without emojis may seem odd for the first few conversations, but trust me there are words in the English language to accurately express the upside-down smiley face. This will also accelerate the Q&A stage of all those ultimately pointless ass interview questions. You’d be surprise how fast you can figure out if you like someone or if they are full of shyt when you’re left with their words and no other distractions.

Rule 3 – Don’t go out with them within 35 days

The first 3 weeks are typically all bullshyt. All smiles and laughs and exchanging dope memes and YouTube links and shyt, but it ain’t real. Week 4 is typically when shyt starts getting real (kind of like the NFL when you can tell if your team is going to the playoffs or not). When you find out they like pineapples on their pizza and only eat the flat part of chicken wings because those are trash people. When you find out they are 30 but their mom had to co-sign on their car and apartment. You start seeing the chinks in the armor and that gives you a clearer view of the person outside of all the cool shyt they’ve presented beforehand. If they make it to the end of week 4 you should be working your to setting up an outing because evidently it’s more than a physical attraction popping here. It’s a vibe and shyt.

What are you on Saturday a month from now?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, September 15, 2017

You Are Ideal Side Chick Material

*Yes there will be a side dude material blog dropping before my DM’s start going off. I’ll probably drop it sometime next week. Stay tuned tho.*

The criteria that makes for a good side chick and a good side dude varies so greatly that I can’t even put it into one blog. I tried. It didn’t work. I deleted the whole thing and went back to the drawing board. So here we are.

Unfortunately, all you single ladies aren’t up to be cuffed this season or at least cuffed by the type of guy you would rather be snowed in with. Life be lifeing and shydd. Fortunately, there is always space on team side chick. Being a side chick never goes out of season. I know of a guy that went thru a wife and 2 girlfriends whilst keeping the same side chick through them all. That situation actually ended really badly; yeah that was a terrible example so pretend you didn’t read that, but side chicks are a valuable commodity and if you play you lane it’s some perks but that’s another blog for another time. Let’s get into what we came here for…

If you own several children AND you’re poor
Define poor you say? If you buy the iPhone X you’ll have to cancel Christmas is an accurate depiction. Poor women with multiple people that climbed out her vagina solely in their care aren’t exactly ideal girlfriends. Plus being snowed in with her team of crumb snatchers might be a slight notch down from freezing to death in a blizzard because kids are terrible people. This is especially true when you don’t own those kids. These women almost never have babysitters so taking her and the litter out to eat which could get pricey. On the flipside they are up for entertaining at home well after their children’s bedtime which tucks them firmly into the side chick zone.

You work nights and or crazy hours
Most people work a 9 to 5. You don’t believe me? Rush hour exist. I rest my case your honor. If you’re on the clock during vampire hours you need to find somebody else working vampire hours. If the potential bae gets off work at 5p and you have to be on the job at 10p that’s just enough time to halfway watch a movie on Netflix and fuck. Your life set up is great for lunch time sex, before work sex, and hooky sex but not much else.

You’re ugly
There’s somebody for everybody? Yeah that’s a lie. Every time an ugly chick lands herself in a legitimate relationship an angel gets her wings. It’s in the bible right between God being cool with slavery and telling folks not to eat shrimp. Amen. Despite this new found level of bravado ugly women tend to display men still ain’t checking for them. BUT… men will fuck pretty much anything and ugly women definitely fall under the category of anything. If you’re a not so attractive woman that’s down to fuck then it’s plenty of men willing to visit you in the wee hours of the night after the club with a fifth of Patron and beef patties from 7-11 on deck.

You’re a dot com thot
You IG “models”, Snap Chat divas and FB attention whores out here living for likes that never actually turns into a check are a special breed of woman that’s extremely hard to take seriously. Your titties and ass are always out and your Cash App info is in your bio. You’re probably not a hoe but it’s not worth the gamble. You’ll make a much better fuck buddy in a no strings attached type of situation than you would with an actually girlfriend title and having to witness the world thirst over you.

You have a reputation
And by a reputation I mean you’re a hoe. You’re a hoe; it’s common knowledge you’re a hoe. Your mileage comes up in your HoeFax. You’re not Kim K and the dudes you run into aren’t Kanye. So until you move to Atlanta, where hoes go to retire, you’re either going to take a sidechick position or deal with a dude from out of town that doesn’t know any better.

Act quickly positions on the better rosters are filling fast
Jean DeGrate has spoken