Friday, April 13, 2018

7 Important First Date Questions

I'm a firm believer that we date wrong. We tend to get wrapped up in people before we really know what's good for us in the long run. The starting point is asking questions that matter off top. We got to skip all that "what's your sign/what do you like to do for fun" bullshit and get to the real shit. You get the idea, right? Cool, let's just get into it. This isn't any type of order and the importance is based on your personal preference.

Do you like Tyler Perry movies?
It's two types of people in this world... People that like Tyler Perry movies and people that actually like movies. In order to exist in the same space for a long duration of time you need to know what side of the line your potential mate lands on. If you're an Oscar nod film buff chances are the Madea lover next to you won't be here for your Netflix musings.

Are you religious/spiritual?
Even though must people that claim to be religious really aren't, but either way they'll drop the God card on you in arguments to suit their narrative whether it be personal, political or socially. If you're also religious all these shenanigans will fall right into your wheelhouse. Spiritual is that religious sweet spot where people pretty much do whatever the fuck they want to do because they don't exactly subscribe to any organized religion directly but believe in a higher power typically named "The Universe". Spiritual people tend to be a bit easier going but way more subjectable to lifestyle fads like the paleo diet, homemade jewelry and men with hoop earrings. If you're spiritual this will pan out perfectly for you. If you're atheist/agnostic this will also be a great fit because spiritual people typically don't attempt to sell you on their beliefs.

Do you believe in gender roles?
Even though chivalry and gender roles are dying out some people still want a love like their grandma and grandpa had. There isn't anything wrong with that unless of course you're not about that shit. If you want a partner that you consider your equal and expect them to pull their own weight then the old school way probably isn't going to work for. This is definitely a discussion worth having sooner than later.

Are you a social media person or a person on social media?
No they are not the same people. They are very different. Some people are just online passing time, connecting with friends, still playing Farmville on Facebook, posting pictures of their kids and stealing memes and shit. Now other people are social media people where they divulge all types of personal info on a regular basis. They share their highs and lows. They live for likes and followers. They post pictures from every event. They have made several online only friends and have several online only beefs that never go farther than the screen of their smart phones. If you're not a social media person dating a social media person can be annoying as fuck.

Are you poor?
If you're broke please just scroll down to the next question.
Seriously, get your broke ass on; this isn't for you.
Poverty constantly gets in the way of shit. You can't do it big on 40k a year. It's going to be a lot of Netflix and chilling. It's going to be a lot of nights with the fire stick. Outside of having funds for entertainment (which is a hurdle within itself), but building beyond just casual dating becomes a new task. Co-habituating with a broke person kind of makes you a parent. Are you ready to take on that type of responsibility?

Are you in a relationship?
Cheating is popular as hell right now. Real live everybody is doing it; poor people, rich people, famous people, people with everything to lose and everybody else in between. It's a fair question. Nobody wants to be in a viral fight video because your bae already had a bae and that bae caught you slipping because you didn't know they existed.

Does somebody think they are in a relationship with you?
If the answer to question above this is "no" this is a very important follow up question; especially for these "I don't believe in titles" people. So they maybe single but somebody is running around with them as the screensaver on their cell phone and heart eye emojis next to their name stored in the contacts. Which can also end in a World Star Hip Hop moment or somebody sliding into your DM's to let you know what's really going on.

You might want to ask these in the first 10 minutes and save yourself some time
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Women Are Out Here Accepting the BARE Minimum

I woke up this morning and saw a blog titled "Why are women accepting the bare minimum as bae material?"

I mean I know why but I never considered actually putting it on paper. This is typically a conversation I have with people I'm pseudo life coaching because I be life coaching and shit. Anyway the article offered little insight to the cause of the issue. Some personal experience talk, a couple screen shots of tweets and few funny gifs. I don't want to call it click bait but it was.

I know why women are accepting the bare minimum. Not all women but definitely the women that don't know any better. But let me start here...

I'm a catch.

I have a job and make decent money.
I don't have any baby momma drama.
I don't have a billion kids.
I drive.
I live alone.
I've never been to jail.

See I'm a catch.

Only thing I'm not. Well at least I'm not based on that basic ass shit listed above. All of it's true but none of that shit should be considered an accomplishment by anyone over the age of 21, but somehow it is. Hence the BARE minimum, but enough about me let's get to the why.

Men do less; not exactly the least but definitely less
It's a lot of bare minimum ass niggas out here. We don't want to be labeled a trick. We don't want to be labeled a simp. We don't want to be labeled a lame. Nope. Pride too strong. Ego too big. If we even feel like we're doing too much too soon we'll ignore her text messages for a few hours just to restore balance. Let's be honest sex is a whole lot easier to get these days so all the hurdles and hoops men used to have to jump over and through are pretty much pointless. Thank God for the sexual revolution, but with that said the whole premise behind "what you did to get her is what you do to keep her" might be as slight as a "you up" text on the right night. Men tend to keep that same energy. I mean why do more do for the same result?

Men are bashed publicly and privately
Women bash men to each other via text and phone calls. Women post videos of their men cheating all over the internet. People post on all over social media how men ain't shit in intrigue detail. Other men bash men to other women in an effort to make themselves look superior to any potential competition. Some dude named Derrick Jaxn was made a career of exclusively making videos in the driver's seat of his car talking about the short comings of men. The stigma of men well, being less than men is always looming because it's being constantly promoted.

Anything seems like everything
I'd like to pretend women are used to getting shit but at the same time every 3rd girl I opened the car door for acts like I just turned water into wine. I'm Young Jesus in these streets performing miracles. Scroll back up right quick to do a recap of that "I'm a catch" bit one more time. Women really really really act like I'm that guy off the cover letter alone. I'm a regular guy. I once had a girl that I never met in real life tell me I'd make a great father for her child off of 2 phone conversations. Here's the kicker though... the young lady that told me that didn't even have a kid. Funny shit is it didn't even seem crazy to me at the time; it took about 5 years for me to think back on it and say "wow". Even when I hear women brag about their men it's some real ordinary shit. A man taking care of his kids is like a notch under curing cancer. Texting back immediately is right up there with winning a Noble Peace Prize. Men literally get credit for things that cost absolutely nothing to do like calling back when we say we're going to call back and coming up with plans for a date instead of texting "WYD" at 7p on a Friday.

Yeah that's pretty much it in a nutshell
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, March 29, 2018

You Might Be a Hoe 2.0

I wrote this blog about 5 years ago. We come so far in such a short time. Hoe is now life and in this day and age you can't ask anybody their body count; well it's heavily frowned upon to say the least. Slut shaming is now a thing and of course the tell-tell signs of yesterday aren't as valid as they used be. So it's your friendly social media homie Jean DeGrate here to save the day with a few tips to let you know if new bae (or even you) might be a hoe or not. And by hoe I mean people (male or female) that have a body count that exceeds their years on earth.

They might be a hoe if he/she owns a p3nis
Whether it's a rubber dyck or a real dyck; if they own one (or both) it's a 99% chance they're a hoe. The only thing stopping a p3nis owner from live up to their true hoe potential is finding people to stick the p3nis in.

He might be a hoe if he hash tags all his designer clothing on IG
Men who ain't never had shyt love to show off when they get even the slightest amount of shyt and they're showing off to get some pussi. He's buying tables in the club for the pussi. He's paying 23% interest on a 2011 E Class Benz for the pussi. He's also not turning down any of that pussi he's trying so hard to impress.

She might be a hoe if she's fine but her kids are ugly
Fine women with ugly kids are usually gold diggers and the golden ticket for any gold digger in getting pregnant. The ballers that are reckless enough to knock up a gold digger are typically of the plain Jane variety. The unfortunate side of plain Jane ballers is they tend to be ugly as phck and their genes are strong. This is also why Asia's 6 year old daughter looks like Shannon Sharpe when he was with the Bronco's and smells like black & milds. Don't laugh. I'm dead azz serious.

She might be a hoe if she used to be gay and owns two of my phck trophies
She's been racking up mileage on both sides of game. When the straight side doesn't pan out she's does a few seasons as a gay and when she tired of finding out it's only one tampon left in the box she switches back. Rinse, recycle and repeat.

He might be a hoe if doesn't dress his age
He has a hi-top fade or a man bun. He wears bunch boots (Chelsea boots) and skinny jeans. He has a nose ring. He has rapper-ish jewelry. Only thing is he's over 35 but he's moving in these street like he's 24 but his target demographic are women that are barely legal. All he's wants is the Fashion Nova mammis and the Rent A Center honeys. You know the women that are too young to know any better and get impress when a dude goes to the gas station at half a tank then fills it all the way up.

They might be a hoe if they are always letting calls ring to voicemail
Hoes don't want any problems with their existing roster line up and with that said they never send anybody to voicemail. You let it ring to voicemail you might get a text saying "call me back" but if you send it to voicemail you're definitely getting that spicy text "2 rings. Oh ok."

They might be a hoe if they change their phone number a lot
Part of being a hoe as being previously mentioned is high volume and sometime old work doesn't want to fade softly into the night. NOPE. They keep calling. They keep texting. They call from other people's phone. Sending email to text messages saying "Are you ignoring me?" like they haven't been getting sent to voicemail for 2 months straight. Hoes got to switch the number up like once a year to keep all work off their trail and recent genital mismanagement situations covered up. So when you get that "This BLANK. This is my new number lock me in text" out of the blue you know exactly what it is.

Are you a hoe?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Why Women Can be Whores and Men Not So Much

That title is probably wild triggering.

Stick with me for a minute or two and I’ll bring it back around.

I said this before, several times before and I’ll probably continue you to say it as long as there is air in my lungs and my fingers still work. Anyway. Being a hoe is a numbers game. It doesn’t matter what the sex or sexually orientation is. You do a lot of numbers and voila you’re a hoe. However I’ve failed to get this ideology to catch on and I know why. I know exactly MOTHERFUCKING why.

Ok less get the simple shit out of the way first…

A high male body count is almost a badge of honor. A man that has managed to give dick to a high quantity of women is considered a stud and somewhat rightfully so. Attempting to give away dick (including lesbians slanging rubber dick) is taxing and often fruitless; so anyone that has a high success rate is often viewed as winner amongst their peers. Which leads us to…

Dick is free.

Anything that is free cannot be further devalued by giving it out in excess. “I had to earn this dick” – No Woman Ever. Almost any woman can walk into a random happy hour tonight and take a man home (ok I’m lying; men don’t need to go home; the backseat of a car parked on a dimly lit street would work just fine). No contest. He’ll probably buy her a few drinks for her troubles. It’s almost an absolute fact that 79% of guys in a woman’s DM’s are indirectly offering dick and the other 20% are offering it directly. The other 1% is there for purely platonic reasons. As a matter of fact dick typically comes with a benefit package; dinner, drinks, movies, hair done, nails done, maybe a bill paid or two. Any person putting that much effort forward to give something away it’s kind of hard to label them a hoe. Well at least by society’s standards. Top it off with all of this one-sided head these guys are coming off in hopes of giving up some free dick.

Pussy is very much not free.

Pussy is earned. Pussy is bought and bartered for. With the exception of stars and professional athletes it’s some work and funds going into attempting to secure some pussy. And I say attempting because no matter how much leg work you put in there is still no guarantee. It’s some guys with 4 $200 dates, 26 “Good morning beautiful” text messages, 9 church hugs and 3 cheek pecks sitting in the friend zone.

And since pussy has an assumed value it demands all type of shit in return

One of my favorite sayings of the fairer sex is “I can do bad all by myself” which is womanese for “no broke boys need apply”. Women just are and men are a sum of the services they can provide. Getting pussy can instantly put you in debt. You owe favors; you owe assistance and you will be expected to pay. If she’s moving this weekend you’re helping. If she catches a flat coming home from happy hour you need to be pulling up with your tire changing attire on. If she needs $40 spending money for kid’s field trip to Six Flags tomorrow but she doesn’t have any cash on her it’s coming out of your pocket to never return. The more pussy that is doled out typically means greater returns. Women are fucking for weed. Women are fucking for free bottles in the club. Women are fucking for Fashion Nova wardrobes. Women are fucking for fancy shoes. Women are fucking for designer purses. Women are fucking for rent and mortgage payments. Women are fucking for cars. Women are fucking for all types of shyt. The general consensus is as follows if she’s fucking she should be getting compensated in some form or fashion.

So in a nutshell…

A guy that’s 25 living with his parents and working at Walmart with 200 bodies = legend

A girl that’s 25 living with her parents and working at Walmart with 200 bodies = A stupid broke hoe

A guy that’s 25 living lavishly and balling with 200 bodies = Still a legend

A girl that’s 25 living off her dudes in the lap of luxury with 200 bodies = Still a hoe but she paid tho

Men can fuck around and women can’t without some shame associated with it because society and shit
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Saturday, February 17, 2018

She wants your man but he just wants to borrow your girl

I just finished watching the Chris Rock Netflix special. Man I swear they are giving everybody a check except Mo'nique. I mean Chris Rock is Chris Fucking Rock but they gave Katt Williams one and his last hit of anything of importance was a viral video of him getting choked out by an 8th grader... so yeah. Anyway. Chris was talking about how women will want your man; which is true because women play for keeps and shit. Men will only borrow your girl they don't really want her. Fuck all that Rick Springfield shit. Nobody actually wants Jesse's girl but Jesse. This is also true. It's a few times I thought I wanted another man's girl but a wise man once said popcorn always smells better than it taste. Hot buttered popcorn smells like heaven but the taste leaves a bit to be desired. Now I want some popcorn and I don't even eat popcorn. We're getting off topic. Let’s back to it.

A woman will take your whole ass man
If she wants your man she’ll put in the man hours and work her way up the circuit. She’ll do a few months in a side chick apprenticeship program while studying her competition. Consistently over stepping her boundaries; sabotage his existing relationship and get his main girl all the way up the fuck up out of there. Women don’t mind taking your gently used man off your hands and laying directly in your warm spot in the same bed. These bytches are savages but enough about that.

On to the men…

I once thought I wanted Jesse’s girl right up until I fucked Jesse’s girl. I mean she was the best type of girl. She was holding shit down for the homie. Around the 3rd stroke all that shit went up in smoke. She went from the best girl ever to UNFAITHFUL BITCH at the speed of light. I mean I still finished. I don’t want anybody to think I pulled out on some “Oh my God I can’t do this” type shit. She was dumb phat; my apartment could have caught on fire and I probably still would have finished. What I learned on that night 95% of men already inherently knew and nobody fucking told me. Which leads me to bullet point number 1…

Men know we can’t make your girl loyal to us
Ok off top… Men don’t have those delusions of grandeur. There will be no BBD “I thought it was me” moments when it comes to infidelity. Any man with halfway decent sense would never be in Kevin Hart’s wife (Eniko’s) situation. If she cheated on buddy with him it’s no way on earth he’s going to have confidence in being the exception to the rule. He’s not going to believe that he was that swagged up or that cool to make her give up on her morals  and give him some pussy. Nope. Women are way cockier in that arena because her vagina is life altering, mind altering, and earth shatteringly exceptional. I mean if his girl was that great why the fuck is he on her line anyway?

Men barely want the women they have
Remember how much Al Bundy hated Peggy Bundy? If you were after 1995 that reference means absolutely nothing to you. Just run your young ass off to Google right fast and double back. Men are constantly holding back a thin layer of disdain for the women in our lives. We love you but we also don’t like you and we just bite our lips a press on. The more you’re around a person the less appealing they naturally become regardless of sex but women have mastered the art of being annoying as shit for no good reason. Some women even pride themselves on their ability to be annoying. True story.

Men don’t want your girl
Another’s man girl is like a weekend rental car. It’s fun. You can drive it like a mad man with reckless abandon then return it Sunday night and never look back. It’s no maintenance or upkeep. The boyfriend is dealing with all her attitude, listening to all her silly stories and tending to her day to day needs (and girlfriend be needing shit).  No Christmas, no birthdays and no Valentine’s Day; because that all falls under the boyfriend doctrine of 1953. When you borrow another man’s girl you’re essentially getting the highlight reel version of her while he’ll be getting the MCM praise on IG because he ran to Target to pick up tampons and plays step daddy to her bad ass kids.

Women are down to take her spot and men just want to breeze thru
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, February 5, 2018

7 Shows I’d Rather See a Reboot of Instead of Martin

Now let me say this first... if you didn't already know I'm a TV snob. I've been putting people on to dope TV since cable boxes had an A and B side. I legitimately wasted my 20's out in the clubs and chasing women when I could have been at home watching TV. You see where I'm coming from? Cool.

I’ve never been a super fan of Martin, but I chalked it up the fact that this show started when I was 12 years old and maybe the humor was too advance for my young mind to grasp.  Lucky for me Martin reruns went into super syndication in my 20’s and I was given the chance to see every single fucking episode at least 11 times during the course of the last 15 years.  Yep… Still not a great show; Martin isn’t in my top 5 shows starring a stand up comedian, featuring a black couple living in Detroit during the 90’s on network television.  You can call me a hater and I know my opinion on this is hugely unpopular, but the people that think Martin is the greatest show ever are the same people that think Power is a better show than The Wire. Anyway… on with the list.

1. Married with Children
Married with Children was an all-around great show. Sure 98% of Al Bundy’s antics wouldn’t fly in today’s super politically correct world but I’d love to see it retool for this era of social media. Bring back the Bundy’s. Kelly Bundy om Snapchat would be extra lit.

2. The Jamie Foxx Show
Of course not the Jamie Foxx Show as in starring Jamie Foxx but a sitcom set in a black owned hotel would be lit. Plus the Jamie Foxx is and was WAAAAAAAAAY funnier than Martin.

3. The Steve Harvey Show
I can’t stand Steve Harvey. I didn’t even like him when the show was on the air but the supporting cast was dope and the premise was great. I hated everything about Harvey though. His mustache, suits and that dumb ass hi-top fade. With all that said, I will totally take a washed up pseudo celebrity singer turned high school music teacher.

4. Girlfriends
Tracee Ellis Ross and company were ahead of their time with a sitcom focused on single professional women not named Sex in the City. I mean they squeezed 6 seasons, 94 episodes and 2 feature length movies out of Carrie Bradshaw on HBO (it’s only 67 episodes of Game of Thrones.)  Reboot Girlfriends on a network with a budget to hire actually writers and a half way decent cast and it would be golden (pun intended). Side-note: Sex in the City aged terribly. Makes you want to throw something at your TV it’s so bad in retrospect.

5. The Chappelle Show
Because it’s the phcking Chappelle Show and we need Dave Chappelle on TV way more than we ever needed Martin calling Pam beady bead or fighting giant rats on vacation.

6. Smallville
Way before Gotham was popping on Fox; Smallville was killing it on the CW. They are slanging superhero shows like fliers after the club. It’s like 10 of them on primetime network TV so why not bring back young Clark Kent?

7. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
First off who doesn’t love a sudden “rags to riches” story? Terrorists; that’s who.  Are you a terrorist? Oh ok then. The Fresh was such a great show that they swapped out dark skin Aunt Viv and we ain’t even care. You think they could have swapped out Gina’s apple headed ass without major backlash?  No, they couldn’t; because if they could they would have swapped her out instead of filming with her or Martin offset. Ok aside from that Jeffery’s shade was legendary. Imagine the hype beast fashion they stick the rebooted Will in. Supreme, Yeezy, Balmain, Gucci, Moncler, Off-White? It would be crazy. Not to mention the Carlton dance is forever a classic and permanent staple in urban culture. Unfortunately the perfect guy to play Uncle Phil 2.0 is Anthony Anderson and he’s already on a dope show.

Somebody get Leslie Moonves on the phone
JD got some show rebooting ideas.

Monday, January 15, 2018

I’m going to See Black Panther and I’ll Punch You in the Face If You Ruin My Movie Going Experience

Black Panther is a month away and I haven’t seen black people so excited about anything since Obama got elected (1st term). Funny thing about it is the character has been around for over 50 years. He predates Storm (X-Men), The Falcon (the other big screen black member of the Avengers), Luke Cage and John Stewart’s Green Lantern. Matter of fact buddy used to be married to Storm #BlackLove #RelationshipGoals. Anyway I know the Negro community is coming out in full force; like there will be Avatar box office numbers; this shit might make George Lucas blush. The internet is phcking buzzing with people buying out entire movie theaters and dressing in themes.

I’m not with the shits.

I’m a comic book fan. I’m an avid movies goer. I’m a cinema aficionado. So I’m in the building EARLY for all comics that end up on the big screen i.e. I saw Hell Boy in the movies and it was terrible but it was my civil duty to see it.

I been on this shit; so much so I put my daughter on to this shit. With that said Madi nor JD is here for your shenanigans. I’ve comprised a short list of things that you should do to save yourself from getting punched in the face while trying to enjoy the Black Panther Marvel experience. Here it is…

1. Shut the fuck up the moment the trailers begin.

Not only did other patrons come for the movie we came for the trailers too. It’s a pivotal part of the movie going experience and could possibly line up future theater trips.

2. Stay shutting the fuck up

Don’t clap, howl, whistle or any of that noisy shit when your favorite character comes on screen. Trust me; they can’t hear you in Wakanda. Save your applause. Skip all the loud outburst during action scenes. No need to cheer T’Challa on. He got this, once again trust me, and not to let the cat out of the bag but the good guy wins. That’s the general theme thus far in the superhero genre of films.

3. Stay seated when the credits start to roll

The movie isn’t over. Sure the climax, falling action and dénouement have come and gone but Marvel tends to toss a couple of scenes in after the credits that are Easter eggs for upcoming releases. So if a wave of you movie neophytes rush out blocking the screen the people true to this Marvel shit might miss something pertinent.

You got it?


Because I will punch you in your fucking face if you ruin my movie.

Jean DeGrate is about that action