Wednesday, June 13, 2018

These Men Be Broke and Here are 9 Signs

Yesterday I told you about the women so it’s only right that today I talk about the men. Ya’ll know I’m about balance and shit right? Honestly I think women need this info more than men needed the broke chick info because there is really no upside to dating a broke dude. Off top broke dudes are harder to spot because men are so fucking good at hiding their poverty. Their lies are elaborate and the social media is a complete fucking smoke screen and they do a really good job at making piss poor resemble money. Anyway let’s get into.

1. He’s semi-WOKE

Men that continually speak on the disenfranchisement of black people and “the man” systematically holding them back tend to be broke and bitter (a 2 for 1 bonus; stay woke). He’s full of theories and always down to boycott a company for the cause if it doesn’t extend beyond 2 weeks or inconvenience his life. He has hundreds of YouTube videos to back up his thought process on everything from the Illuminati to the Bilderburg group to the destruction of Bill Cosby. Can’t say any of this is the reason why he doesn’t have money but being poor with idle time and access to YouTube tends to make a person feel like some type of scholar.

2. He’s a carry-out/fast food aficionado

Broke boys always know all the good spots to get bad food. The best steak and cheese egg roll in all the land is located at a Chinese carry-out in the seediest side of town. By now everybody is hip to the Chick Fil A sauce but he’s part of the beta test group for the new sauce they’re dropping in fall and all he can say about it is “it’s fire” due to his NDA. He knows every late night pizza spot and dinner in a 50 mile radius. Pretty much any place he can get a meal for less than $14 he’s up on it and it shows because his fridge is filled with half empty containers.

3. He has a lot of hustles

He’s selling jail broken fire sticks. He has a connect on bootleg cable. He’s a mechanic, a party promoter, a barber, an Ůber driver, a landscaper and still manages to work 40 hours on his day job. This man is definitely broke and when he opens his wallet it sighs ever so slightly.

4. He complains about child support/baby mother

Most dudes aren’t out her like Diddy with a herd of children by several different women and endless money. It’s a lot of regular dudes making regular money and hefty child support payments can turn a regular pay check into minimum wage. If he’s going back to court to get his payments lowered he’s probably broke. If his kid calls him to ask for something and he responds “ask your mother she’s getting child support” he’s probably broke. If he can’t understand what his baby mother is spending his money on he’s probably broke.

5. He gently deflects your date suggestions

You want to go to this wine festival that’s all you can eat and drink but its $80 a ticket and a 2 hour drive away so you’ll probably need to book a room too. He counters with a wine bar downtown. You’ve been dying to hit this new fancy seafood restaurant and you’ve been hinting at it for over a month but he’s never in the mood for seafood. He’s deflecting because he doesn’t want to pay for that shyt and be forced to eat Top Ramen for the next pay period.

6. He has a roommate but lives in a shytty neighborhood

Nobody should be going half on an apartment in the trap. If you need help to still be living in the struggle you should probably have stayed in grandma’s basement. If he’s living this way he has terrible credit, selling drugs or he’s really poor.

7. His car is unreliable

His car has been in the shop 3 times for 3 different reasons this year. He just keeps dumping money into it. Digging up money to do one repair at time because he’s too broke to get it all fixed at once or scrap the car all together and buy something new. When his car in the shop and he’s not even hopping in an Ůber; just sitting in the house on stuck he’s probably wild broke.

8. His clothes are ill fitting or he has loud and ugly designer clothing

He dresses like Tim Duncan in the off season. His jeans are 2 sizes too big causing them to buckle at the waist with his belt. His pants inseams are 4 inches too long. His shirts all fit like he used to be 70lbs heavier and he hasn’t gotten around to shopping since he got skinny. He’s broke. He out in these street with True Religion head to toe with the horseshoe logo on everything and none of that shyt matches? He got it from the outlet sis on clearance. He’s still rocking Giuseppe shoes with the all the gold hardware looking like an African scammer from 2014? He’s broke and copped those on EBay gently used.

9. He's a self proclaimed good dude
A good dude. A good hard working man. If he leads with any of that shit his pockets are tighter than skinny jeans on a fat boy. Him and his 98 Camry are on the way to bigger things; he's just waiting on his moment and needs a good woman in his corner who's trying to build with him and possibly loan 150 until payday.

You might have a broke boy on your hands
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

These Women Be Broke and Here are 8 Signs

Dealing with a financially challenged woman is really a mixed bag depending on what type of man you are, what financially position you’re and what position you’d like her to fill. If you have a little bit of money broke chicks make excellent side bitches if you’re down to pay a cable bill or two. However you want to play is up to you but here are some signs that she might be a broke chick.

1. She complains about her friends and family not supporting her and/or not being loyal
Broke women always need help but they tend to call it a lack of support and loyalty. People around them are never supportive enough or loyal enough because they need a lot. She’s a burden on her friends and family in actuality. She doesn’t see it that way though.

2. She doesn’t believe in buying nice things for her kids
As we all know kids out grow shit and break shit because kids are kids. She ain’t buying her kid a PS4 because he broke a “see and say” when he was 3. “I ain’t buying no Jordans so you can out grow them in a month” knowing damn well this kid has never out grown anything in a month; it took him 3 years to outgrow the pacifier.  If she is a firm believer in not buying nice shit aka expensive things for her kid based on the premise that kids will ruin it she probably broke.

3. She has a stupid side hustle
Sometimes stupid and poor go hand in hand. A broke bitch loves a silly ass side hustle. She might be selling Ciroc minis for $5 a piece at a cookout looking to make a 1000. She might start a weave recycling business wear she’s washing, dying and reselling old bundles. Either way she’s going to jump out the window with some sort of dumb ass get rich quick scheme and think she’s cornering the market on renting spoons or something.

4. She plays the lotto faithfully
She’s in a Powerball pool at work and still playing Powerball on the side when the jackpot gets a little high. She’s playing the pick 4 and the pick 3. If she ever said “I played 4126 and that bitch came out 4125” that's all you need to know.

5. She’s under 40 and smokes cigarettes (especially menthol cigarettes)
I don’t know what it is about black poverty and Newports but poor people love it. If she’s rolling around with that clear 2 for a dollar crack head plastic lighter and that box pack of 100’s on deck she probably paying her rent on the 5th and not a day before.

6. She complains about her baby daddy
Baby daddies not pulling their weight or doing their part seems to be a very common narrative chiefly amongst broke women. If she got that bag, holding shit down with ease; you’re not going to hear shit about her baby daddy. On the flipside if she’s been in the house wearing a winter coat because that gas bill too high and making syrup sandwiches because payday is 5 days away; she’s going to have all the smoke for her baby daddy and she’s going to tell you about it.

7. Her weave is terrible
Her invisible part isn’t remotely convincing. Her weave looks like she can take it off like a fitted cap and set it on the nightstand. Her hair looks more like an old Whitney Houston wig during her Bobby Brown cocaine era than it does those $400 bundles folks are raving about it. It is what it is fam.

8. She has plans for money she doesn’t have yet
She was doing the Birdman hand rub in November for her tax return that was coming in March. She knows exactly what she’s spending the pay check after next after next after next on. She knows what months have 3 paydays in them for 2019 right now. That money is spent before the direct deposit hits.

I’m not saying she broke but she’s fitting the broke criteria
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, May 28, 2018

My thoughts on the NFL

I boycotted the NFL last year. I didn’t make a big deal of it. I didn’t change my FB profile. I didn’t do any hash tags. Truth is I didn’t have much to boycott; I’m a Dolphins fan. It was amazingly easy to do. In light of the new ruling of fining teams for players that take the field and refuse to stand for the National Anthem I decided to just not watch the NFL anymore. That’s just me though. You can do as you please and I’m not here to influence you but to offer an suggestion.

Some years back I saw a gay man working at Chick Fil A. If you didn’t know the founder of Chick Fil A Sam Truett Cathy wasn’t with that gay shit and donated money to organizations that promoted “traditional” family values. All the same there was a gay man working at Chick Fil A taking orders and giving up that top notch Chick Fil A customer service. It struck me as odd. Working for a company with a founder and CEO that is openly against your lifestyle just seemed kind of off. Fast forward 5 or 6 years and we have Colin Kaepernick kneeling during the anthem because of police violence and social injustice and shit. It would be wrong to say the NFL was opposed to resolving the issues Colin was kneeling for but I can say as an organization the NFL didn’t give a fuck about said issues.

Fast forward to last week and the internet was like “the NFL is 127% black even the refs are half black because their shirts are striped if they sit out blah… blah… blah.” You know the internet stays with these theories and these halfcocked plans to over thrown tyranny. Granted this is the same internet that would punter kick a puppy into highway traffic for 5 million. Then I thought to myself would I risk my career and gamble with the future of my family to kneel on the sideline? Would I throw caution to wind and leverage my only talent against the league? Would I take my current job that I’ve down for free for years to get to this point risking life and injury to stick it to “the man”? Or would I grit my teeth, bury my pride, stand and put my hand across my heart when the anthem is played? I would surely choose the latter. Colin Kaepernick is still a top 20 QB and Robert Griffin III is signed to the Ravens with a kneecap as stable as Jell-O in a wind storm. Clearly talent isn’t enough. Clearly. With this knowledge I would know with absolute certainty that the league with dispose of me and I wouldn’t be a martyr because Colin already has that job. I would be forgotten and the checks would stop coming.

This isn’t a player issue. This is a fan issue. Unlike the superstar filled NBA the NFL is filled with faceless players. 60 man rosters with 55 of them unrecognizable to the average Joe in passing on the street. The fans fill the stadiums. The fans buy the merchandise. The fans watch the games generating ad revenue. So maybe before we jump out of the window and ask these men to fuck up their money maybe the fans can just hold on to their money instead.

It’s just a thought tho.

Friday, May 25, 2018

Men are actually DTF

I dropped a blog earlier this week detailing how women are not really DTF due to the fact that…

1. Women almost exclusively fuck on their own terms

2. Women discriminate A LOT (and I mean a whole fucking lot)

The majority of men don’t have those hang ups. A LARGE percentage of men indiscriminately fuck . I don’t think women really wrapped their heads around it. I didn’t really see it on a large scale until I had to defend my blog by pointing out women’s unwillingness to fuck (excluding a very small percentage and even that is mood based).  See the problem is I don’t think you people know what "Down To Fuck" actually means. Let me help you.

Ok we all understand the F part so I don’t feel like I really need to flesh that out. We’re going to focus on the “Down to” portion. So DT means open to the suggestion or invitation to of whatever the ending word eludes to. Like “Down to hit a bar” is pretty clear cut. “Down to eat” needs to no explanation. I think that where a lot of women folk got lost.

This isn’t a man bashing blog but men are gross. This is a fact not an opinion. I’ve heard several men in my lifetime say “I don’t turn down nothing but my collar” it’s a pretty common saying amongst the 40 and over men folks. I once worked this guy, Charles Cooper and yes that’s his real name; his mantra was “I don’t turn down nothing but my collar”. Now Chuck was married with 2 kids and very unattractive. His teeth were the color of lemonade. The hair he had remaining on his head closely resembled lint gently sprinkled over melted brown wax. He wore those Harlem Nights Redd Foxx glasses and I’m just going to stop here because it was all bad. I don’t know what was more amazing; the fact that he found a woman to marry him and bare his children or the fact that he was ready and willing to cheat on that woman so indiscriminately. I think this was my first revelation of how DTF men really are but let me bring it home and make it real for you.

Men aren’t going to let any silly shit like titles and relationships get in the way of fucking

Men will knowingly fuck another man’s girlfriend. Men will knowingly fuck another man’s wife. Men will knowingly fuck his homie’s baby mother. Men will risk sexual harassment at work to fuck a co-worker. Men will fuck their kids’ teachers. Men will knowingly fuck his girlfriend/wife’s friends and co-workers. Remember in Baby Boy when Jody got the head off of Yvette’s co-worker then stormed out? Yeah; that was a crock of shit because that would never happened. In real life he would have gotten that nut off.

First baby mothers

It’s a lot dudes out here with that first baby mother looking Biggie Smalls in drag especially if they had that kid between 17 and 24 before they got their lives together. That’s the stage of his life when he was driving the Crown Victoria with no AC and mismatched painted doors. Meanwhile, that second baby mother that he knocked up after he got his money up and life together looks like an Instagram model. Why you ask? Because men are down to fuck the women willing to fuck them and even procreate with them from time to time.

Prison is super gay

I don’t know any openly gay drug dealers, gang bangers, burglars or members of any mob. Somehow, someway being locked in a cell turns heterosexual criminals into gay inmates. You know all that rape that they push in prison movies and TV shows? Yeah; that’s not really a thing. These men are willingly fucking each other. Not all of them but a whole lot of them are prison gay DTF.

Men pay for sex

Nothing says DTF more than a willingness to purchase sex and purchase it from a vast amount of vendors. The same guys that doen’t eat fast food, that lives in the gym, that drives luxury cars and watches YouTube reviews before making a purchase will hand over $300 to a random stripper to get off a nut in a dimly parking lot. Yeah we about that life. Not only are we down to fuck a total stranger we are down to pay that total stranger to fuck us.

I rest my case your honor
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Myth - These Hoes Are Everywhere

"These hoes; they for everybody" - Juicy J

So a tweet that made it to Facebook read....

"There are women out here who are DTF, no strings attached. But men don't want them; they're "hoes". They want to manipulate and break down a woman who wants more into settling for just sex. Mentally deranged." 

The first time I saw it on the timeline I read it, laughed and kept scrolling. The second time I saw it I scanned a few comments then went about my business. The third time I saw it a read the comments and the generally consensus of the vagina owning parties was "Where's the lie". The men manipulating women into settling for sex part has some truth to it. She could work on the phrasing a bit but the general gist of men using shading practices to get sex is pretty spot on. The part that is absolutely false is the "There are women out here who are DTF; no strings attached" bit. And if you don't know DTF translates into "down to phck". I mean there are women out here that are DTF but those women are commonly referred to as prostitutes.

I'm glad we got that out of the way now we can get to these readily accessible DTF hoes. 

To me the term hoe covers both sexes but in this blog I'll only focus on women.

I know hoes; in different area codes. I've studied hoes and I mean legitimate hoes with a body count that well exceed their years on earth. (Simple hoe equation Body count - Age = hoe status) After all what makes a hoe a hoe is volume; please don't ever forget it. Via my studies I've learn these mythical hoes that phck on command don't exist but let me break it down for you...

Women don't embrace being a hoe
Samantha and Carrie were dropping bodies for 6 season of "Sex in the City" but at the same time they weren't here for everybody. Nobody could randomly grab either one of them by the hand and lead them to a bathroom stall to smash it out. The "I'm DTF" hashtag will never take off. There will never be a "Hoe is life" bummer sticker for sale. A woman can dropped 20 bodies in a weekend but she ain't a hoe she just did some hoe shit. She might have had a hoe phase but it was never a way of life. She was young and dumb. She was exploring her sexuality via a summer of one night stands but she is now or has ever been a hoe. 

Being straight forward doesn't work
Asking for nudes is a great way to get your contact info deleted and blocked but we're supposed to believe that asking for sex straight up is a feasible tactic. Nah fam.  Ok being straight forward can work but you can't be just an ordinary guy. David Beckham can be straight forward. LeBron James can be straight forward. Drake can be straight forward. Brad Pitt can be straight forward. Pretty much any man that can't walk down a public street without being asked for autograph can afford to be straight forward and the odds will be heavily in his favor. Now for the rest of us... No dice. Being straight forward is a great way to get smacked. The "I'm just trying to fuck" line will fail 99.9999% of the time and probably get you cursed out for the culture.

Women fuck on their own accord
Vagina all have that sign that you fine at the entrance of fast food restaurants "we reserve the right to refuse service for any reason". Men don't really have a lot of say when it comes to getting the pussy outside of accepting it the first few times. Everybody is familiar with the term "He talked himself out of the pussy" right? Right. Most of the time there is no direct declarations that a man is in the running for some sex. Women decide when and who they are going to fuck. Women intentionally put themselves in positions to get fucked. They'll have an entire game plan together and all the man has to do is play his part and don't do anything stupid. 

You know a girl that DTF? Tag her below. I have questions.
Jean DeGrate is calling your bluff

Thursday, May 10, 2018

Men be lying

Yup we are dishonest and I know you know this but probably not to the full extent so let me put you on game right quick.  Men lie. That’s what we do. We lie to make women feel special. We lie to give the illusion of common ground. We lie to seem better than what we are. And believe it or not none of this is malicious; well at least our intentions are not to be malicious. And this is what we lie about the most…

1. His ex

It’s rare that a man will take the blame for the deterioration of his last relationship or at the very least he’ll misconstrue the facts to justify his wrong doings. In actuality he’ll paint the image of his ex being the bad guy. It doesn’t matter if he cheated on her, beat on her and neglected her.  He’ll also paint the image of her wanting that old thing back further adding the myth that he’s a greater catch than he is.

2. Common interest

Men are the originators of being about that “me too” life they just do it in a less obvious way. Remember when Vanessa Bell-Calloway was telling Eddie Murphy “whatever food you like” and “whatever music you like” in the beginning of Coming to America? Of course you do it’s an American classic. Guys have that same energy but do it in a much smoother way. Half of his battle to winning women over is making it seem like him and the women of his interest are long lost kindred spirits. Guys ask open ended questions, discovery your interest and instantly morph into the man of her dreams. Now ya’ll read the same books, listen to the same music and eat the same foods.

3. Being treated well

Men love to act like Oliver Twist. You know the orphan born in a workhouse who never knew an act of kindness? Y’all fucking with Charles Dickens right? Anyway we love to act like motherfuckers never loved us; no Drake. We love to pretend like we’ve been mistreated and used by every woman prior to meeting the new woman.  The new woman comes along and everything she does is magic.  If she shows up to his home with a flat half empty bottle of Rock Creek grape soda he’ll act like she bought him some of the wine Jesus made at the first fish fry. If she offers to pay the tip on dinner he’ll act as if you just offered to pay off his student loans. Every small gesture, every nicety and every time she takes his empty dinner plate to the sink is a whole new experience for him. (Which in turn changes into entitlement issues down the road but that’s a different topic for a different blog.) In a nutshell we lie and make a big deal out of basic shit; you know like when you child shows some trash ass art they made.

4. The quality of your vagina and your cooking

If neither your vagina nor food is trash; I mean both just have to be ok we will act like it is the best thing we’ve ever experienced. Why you ask? Because we want you to feel special and it isn’t anything else to it.

5. His situation

Men have problems with transparency. You want us to keep in 100 and counteroffer is 87 at best. We’re going to omit shit, conveniently forget shit and straight up lie about shit. Like his baby mother is crazy and bitter but omit the fact that he made her crazy and bitter because he sold her a dream, knocked her up and turned her into a baby mother. We’ll forget to mention that we live in our homies basement instead of an actual basement apartment. We’ll forget to mention we got our Benz at auction with 193k miles on it and it’s on its last leg but we keep the rims clean. We will forgot to mention pretty much anything that will make a woman look at us sideways and potentially be a deal breaker. Then we just lie about the other shit if you back us into a corner and by in a corner I mean ask any direct questions.

We be lying and you will deal
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, May 7, 2018

If Slavery Was a Choice You'd Probably Be a Slave if…

Real talk I have about 30 of these “You'd probably be a slave if “ rolling around in my head right now but it’s Monday morning and I have some work to do so I’m rattle off 5 of 6 of them. I might swing back around and give up another 10 or so because I think that as far as I can go because some of these are wild off color. If you know me in real life hit my line and I’ll tell you a few because I can’t put this shit in print.

Slavery most definitely was NOT a choice. Mainly because the slave population was out numbered 10 to 1 by the whites, black people weren't considered people and they were dependent on their oppressors for survival. But fuck all that let's pretend the options exceeded beyond slave or die and Negroes could just up and leave to live out their dreams. So with that let's walk hand in hand down the road of make believe.

You'd probably be a slave if you're out of shape
Unfortunately there wasn't an actual train on the Underground Railroad. It was a lot of walking, running and wading in the water and shit. So if you're the catch an elevator up to the 3rd floor type you'd more than likely still be picking cotton. Flourish.

You'd probably be a slave if you live with your mom
Failure to launch in the world of supposedly equal rights and shit is a plight on to itself. Now just imagine stepping out on your own into a world that absolutely hates you outside of shackles. Foregoing room and board and everybody you've ever known to step out into the unknown is probably not the move for you.

You'd probably be a slave if you have allergies
All you hay fever having Claritin D popping motherfuckers would be miserable cutting thru the backwoods on the road to freedom. You can't be coughing and wheezing with the slave recovery unit hot on your trail. You'd give your position away and be on your way back to the plantation to get your foot cut off.

You'd probably be a slave if you're soft
The runaway slave life is no life for a bitch ass nigga. If you've ever cried after a hard day of work you might not be strong enough to be on the run in Pre-Civil War America. If you've ever let a person bully you you're not about to rise up against these odds.

You'd probably be a slave if you're on forever drugs
For those that aren't familiar with the term "forever drugs" it's slang for prescription medication that you have to take until you die. Opting out of slavery also means opting out of your health insurance. So you asthma, arthritis and those other ailments will have to do without in this no coloreds allowed society.

You'd probably be a slave if you can't commit to a cause
You were boycotting H&M but you couldn't fit your clothes from last spring. You considered boycotting Starbucks but 7-11 coffee sucks. To be perfectly honest the furthest you're come to sticking it to the man is using the Black Lives Matter hashtag. You're not in the business of pushing yourself out of your comfort zone so as long as you're getting fed with Sundays off all is fine.

You'd probably be a slave if you're a Christian
It's a lot of things the bible is against like eating shellfish, eating pork, fried chicken and mixing fabrics in your outfit. But slavery was A OK. Jesus and the Jews wanted slaves to stay in their lanes.

You'd probably be a slave if you can't fight
It's bad enough as a slave you didn't know how to read, write, ride a horse or operate a gun so the ability to throw them hands is the bare minimum of survival skills. When it’s time to over throw master and them what exactly are you going to be doing?

You’d probably be a slave if you’re bad with money
You think black have a hard time getting loans and shit now; I can’t wait to tell you not a bank in the land was going to let your used to be a slave ass hold shit. All you chapter 11, repos and foreclosures, check to check people going to be right back on the plantation with Toby and them the first time you fuck up the money.

You’d also probably be a slave if you were black because you were black I’m just saying tho
Jean DeGrate has spoken