Monday, January 15, 2018

I’m going to See Black Panther and I’ll Punch You in the Face If You Ruin My Movie Going Experience

Black Panther is a month away and I haven’t seen black people so excited about anything since Obama got elected (1st term). Funny thing about it is the character has been around for over 50 years. He predates Storm (X-Men), The Falcon (the other big screen black member of the Avengers), Luke Cage and John Stewart’s Green Lantern. Matter of fact buddy used to be married to Storm #BlackLove #RelationshipGoals. Anyway I know the Negro community is coming out in full force; like there will be Avatar box office numbers; this shit might make George Lucas blush. The internet is phcking buzzing with people buying out entire movie theaters and dressing in themes.

I’m not with the shits.

I’m a comic book fan. I’m an avid movies goer. I’m a cinema aficionado. So I’m in the building EARLY for all comics that end up on the big screen i.e. I saw Hell Boy in the movies and it was terrible but it was my civil duty to see it.

I been on this shit; so much so I put my daughter on to this shit. With that said Madi nor JD is here for your shenanigans. I’ve comprised a short list of things that you should do to save yourself from getting punched in the face while trying to enjoy the Black Panther Marvel experience. Here it is…

1. Shut the fuck up the moment the trailers begin.

Not only did other patrons come for the movie we came for the trailers too. It’s a pivotal part of the movie going experience and could possibly line up future theater trips.

2. Stay shutting the fuck up

Don’t clap, howl, whistle or any of that noisy shit when your favorite character comes on screen. Trust me; they can’t hear you in Wakanda. Save your applause. Skip all the loud outburst during action scenes. No need to cheer T’Challa on. He got this, once again trust me, and not to let the cat out of the bag but the good guy wins. That’s the general theme thus far in the superhero genre of films.

3. Stay seated when the credits start to roll

The movie isn’t over. Sure the climax, falling action and dénouement have come and gone but Marvel tends to toss a couple of scenes in after the credits that are Easter eggs for upcoming releases. So if a wave of you movie neophytes rush out blocking the screen the people true to this Marvel shit might miss something pertinent.

You got it?

Good.

Because I will punch you in your fucking face if you ruin my movie.

Jean DeGrate is about that action

Friday, January 5, 2018

I’m Off That for The 2018

Yeah I’m off a few things for the New Year. Not in that “I’m cutting folks off” type of way or the “new year new me” type of way either. Even though I’m writing this blog I’m not exactly turning over a new leaf but I definitely left some things in 2017. Oh let’s do this.

Trump getting impeached

Donny was inaugurated on January 20th, 2017 and by the 23rd I was waiting for the impeachment procedures to begin. It never came. Donny appointed his idiots friends in positions of power. Donny (or people really close to Donny i.e. Don Jr.) colluded with the Russians. Donny fired staffers and agency heads with reckless abandon. Donny trampled on diplomatic relations. Donny traded verbal jabs and threatened nuclear war with North Korea. Donny spent more time on the golf course than he did in the oval office. He real live spent most of his days in office, that weren’t spent golfing, trying to undo everything Obama did in two terms. Donald John Trump pardoned fucking Sheriff Joe Arpaio. I gave up hope. Hopefully 3 years from now there’ll be somebody else taking office not named Donald Trump or Mike Pence.

Astrological signs

Hi, I’m Jean DeGrate. I’m a Capricorn and I have selectively unlimited data plan so if you see me being active on social media but not responding to your text blame Sprint. I enjoy short walks to the fridge and lifting heavy shit up then putting it back down. If I had a Tinder account I’m pretty sure this would be my bio. I don’t celebrate my astrological sign. I don’t post Capricorn season memes. I don’t read my horoscope (unless I’m on the train and my cellphone service is shaky and in that case I read all the horoscopes via the newspaper). I don’t believe that my father hit it raw in March was the deciding factor on who I became as a person. I’ve legit told several people my sign was other shit than it was and all they said in return is “You’re totally a Sagittarius” or whatever sign that rolled off my tongue at the time. So in the 2018 I’m not even going to answer that question. I’m going Marshawn Lynch with the Seahawks on these people…
Her – What’s your sign?
JD – Thank you for asking. I’m just here so I don’t get fined.

Giving unwarranted advice to vagina owners

I’m accustomed to people coming to me for advice; so much so that if a person starts telling me a story I’m already waiting to tell them how they fucked up. I’m so serious; people that I don’t know at all reach out to me via social media to get my take on their personally experiences. Have you seen the shit I post on social media? How did I become the voice of reason? Lord knows, but I’m here now. Anyway I’ve been doling out advice all over the place to women that didn’t ask for it. They’d call me to vent and I’d politely interject with all my sage like wisdom. They’ll listen to me, extra engaged with all nods in agreement and shit. They’re here for it. Then the conversation will end and they’ll go back to doing whatever dumb shit they were already planning to do. Fast forward a few days, a few weeks, a few months and I’ll witness the ruin of them marching to their own beat whilst failing to adhere to my counsel. The funny thing is they’re on the path they were always meant to be on and while I’m sitting there mad that they didn’t listen like what they eat makes me shit. A classic example of me giving a fuck when it ain’t my turn to give a fuck.

Giving business to struggle establishments and complaining about the service

You ever wonder why people praise the service at Chick Fil A so much? I do. People aren’t used to getting top tier service in fast food establishments. I go to the drive-thru at Wendy’s and they put onions and pickles on my burger after I specifically told them no onions 3 times then I flip out about it when I get home? For the fuck what? I’m just going to scrap the onions off and pick off the pickles then eat my burger. I go to my neighborhood Shoe City and the 16 year old pimple faced kid goes to get the shoes then never comes back and now I want to talk to the manager? Why? Should I make a fuss and try to get this kid fired from a job I wouldn’t do? I know where I am. I know what to expect. I know what they are paying the employees. Nobody is retiring from these spots.

I’m on a new level
Jean DeGrate is over all that other shit

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

I know you think it’s a thing but it’s not really a thing

Since a new year has begun we have to let some things die. I mean it’s some things that used to be a thing but times have changed and it’s not a thing anymore. You can die on these hills if you like but chances are you’ll be dying alone. So let’s just get right into it…

Relationship things

I know I’ve said this before but I feel like I can stand to say it again and then a few more times after that. There’s no such thing as relationship things. Things that were taboo outside of a relationship 10, 15, 20 years ago are commonplace now. Without a title everything is just friends with benefits (and most of you are probably not even friends). Those sleepovers, dates and Christmas gifts still doesn’t equate to a relationship until an agreement is reached. So for the record…
You met their kids… not a relationship thing
You met their parents… not a relationship thing
You’re their emergency contact… not a relationship thing
You get my drift right? Good. Moving on.

Chivalry

I’m sorry but chivalry is no longer a thing. You can’t be anti-sexism and pro-chivalry because to be chivalrous is to be sexist. Equality really killed chivalry and the millennials aren’t carrying the antiquated lopsided torch of the generations passed. The fire hasn't completely died out but it's fading fast.

Owning a car

Unless you live in the distant country of Waldorf you probably don’t really need a car. Most urban areas have Uber and Lyft and cabs and subways and shit. You can literally Uber everywhere. Especially since on average 90% of the time you own your car it's parked, that's probably a waste of money, unless of course you work for Uber.
 

Being well traveled

100 years ago being well traveled was a thing and it was reserved for those who had serious wealth. Traveling 25 miles outside of where you were born was a feat and chances are if you did that you were never coming back. Today you can get a flight on JetBlue for the price of a pair of Jordan’s and be a 1000 miles away from home before dinner time. It’s 2018 the only people that aren’t well traveled are the homeless and the people that have decided not to. The same people that were Ponzi scheming their friends to flip $20 into $160 are the same people that will be on South Beach on Memorial Day weekend. Sorry but shut up about your passport stamps and enjoy your vacations. Post your pictures and leave out all the pseudo stunting because you ain't doing shit.

Using weed

Weed is the new alcohol. Everybody is doing it. Old people, young people, white people, black people, blue people; everybody is doing it with the exception of Mike Pence and Jeff Sessions. If you see somebody with a blunt hanging off their lips in an Instagram pic it’s no different than you posting a picture of your 5th of Hennessey. Don’t be that person. It’s legal now and the safety stats favor marijuana over your cocktail of choice.

That shit over fam. Fight me.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, December 22, 2017

The 5 Signs You Might be in a Hood Mall

Hey ladies and gentlemen tis the season to buy a gain of shit for your love ones in the name of Jesus’ birthday. It’s lit. I know a lot of us have moved over to online shopping but sometimes we have to set foot in an actually brick and mortar establishment; especially for those last minute gifts. I know it sucks that the internet has yet to completely do away with us ever having to leave the comfort of our homes, but it is what it is though. So here I am with this helpful list to make you aware of your shopping surroundings.

1. You might be in a hood mall if there are at least four sneaker stores.

It’s going to be a plethora of Footlockers, Footactions, DTLRs, Shoe Cities and Jimmy Jazz; people that frequent hood malls buy a lot of Jordan’s and a vast assortment of other sneakers made in Taiwan. Come to think of a hood mall is the only place that 4 or more stores carrying the exact same products, for the same price within walking distance of each other can flourish. Sneaker stores in hood malls have to be the only thing keeping the entire complex in business.

2. You might be in a hood mall if there are at least two jewelry stores/kiosks ran by people of Middle Eastern decent.

I love those crazy Arabs. They will start slashing prices before you even ask to look at anything. “For you my man, I’ll do it for $800.” The sticker price will say something crazy like $3000. Can you imagine what your profit margin has to be in order to cut 75% of the sticker price? That should be the first sign that you’re in for an ass fucking. They are supplying the black community with cloudy diamonds set in 8k gold at 500% markup of what it’s worth if you tried to sell it 30 seconds later.

3. You might be in a hood mall if there is a barber and/or hair dresser, a beauty supply store and a nail salon AKA the black trifecta.

Beauty supply stores are never in nice neighborhoods. It’s a nationwide zoning law. You should probably write a letter to your local congressman because even when you get out of the hood you’re going to have to come back to get a good flat iron and a quality bonnet. The ante is upped when you see a nail salon, barber shop and the beauty supply store all under the same roof.

4. You might be in a hood mall if there are less than two major department stores

First off JC Penny is NOT a major department store. Kohl’s is NOT a major department store. Both are really just glorified K-Marts. Major starts with Macy’s and that really the bottom rung. They need a Macy’s in combination with a Lord & Taylor or something just to ensure you’ll make it across the parking lot after dark without getting your bags snatched.

5. You might be in a hood mall if there is a store that’s probably a drug front.

A store that only sells leather jackets, a magazine and newspaper spot, a store with a plaid short-sleeved suit displayed in the window? Yeah they all are laundering money. It’s no way they can keep the lights on. Nobody is buying the shit they are selling and clearly that’s the business format that works for them.

Honorable mention…the mall security car looks like a real live police car

Keep your head on swivel; stay woke.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

5 Women with Convenient Jobs I Would Love to Date 2.0

In this new age of high earning independent women that still wants a man to pay all of the bills and still not have “shut the fuck up” rights. They don't want roommate but they damn sure don't want to let him call the shots either. In light of this; I’m considering another path. I wrote this blog before but I said to myself “self it may be about time to revamp this” because after 7 years I kept the same energy. I can get myself a city council woman, a doctor, a lawyer, a women with 50 11 degrees or a captain of industry but at the end of the day what’s in it for me? I mean I’m paying the bills, I’m paying for the dates, I’m taking out the trash and bringing in the groceries. Where are the perks? Bragging rights to my homies? Posting her as my Woman Crush Wednesday holding her degrees? I don’t see how that would benefit me any. I need something a bit more practical. I need something that will pay off now and for the foreseeable future; a foundation we can build on. I’ve came up with a list of occupations that would benefit me. Here we go…

1. Target Employee
This is number 1 and I mean number one with a motherfucking bullet. It’s always a woman working in Target wearing the shit of those khakis looking phat as fuck. But aside from women looking good in tan pants I spend an obscene amount of money there. In this year alone I’m sure I’ve spent enough to feed a family of four breakfast, lunch, dinner and a snack every day for all 2018. Having a woman on the inside would give me a heads up on sales and keep me from setting foot in there every week getting caught up in that labyrinth and spending a mint on things I don’t need. Top that off with her discount and I might be on my way to Mervis to price a ring.

2. DTLR/Ubiq/Footlocker House of Hoops manager.
Sneaker resale is crazy with these 300 and 400% markups. Buying sneakers that I want at retail price is impossible. Long gone are the days of walking into the mall on a Saturday afternoon and picking up the latest release. I need a plug and there is no better plug than an in house plug. I need my Yeezy’s. I need my OG Jordan 1’s. I need those girl sizes for Madi too. I don’t want to stand in line. I don’t want to pay quadruple. I just want my girl to come home with my shoes.

3. Costco
The lines at Costco are legendary. I bull shit you not; there’s been trips to Costco that I’ve spent more time in line than I’ve actually spent shopping. The hours don’t really work around my schedule so any visit takes advance planning. Other than that Costco is Target on steroids. Plus Costco was listed as one of the best places to work in America so future Mrs. DeGrate should be happy there. Shooting my girl a text to bring home a few of those USDA prime ribeye steaks and a lifetime supply of paper towels is clutch. Also Costco pizza is everything and they don’t deliver.

4. Saks/Neiman Marcus/Bergdorf Goodman
I like my high end shit. I’m prone to buying a $500 T-shirt from time to time. I have 1 or 40 something pairs of European designer shoes with names that end with a vowel. And you know what’s WAY better than being able to afford high end shit? Getting high end shit at the employee discount. I can almost see the savings. I’ll never pay full price for again. If you’re reading this, single and working in Mazza Gallerie or Tyson’s 2 my DM’s are open. Don’t be shy drop me a line.

5. AMC Movies
You know what my kid and I do a lot of? We go to the movies. Every Marvel movie; we’re in there. Every DC movie, we’re in there. Action or animation; we’re in there. If it’s a 3D option; we’re going with that and plush reclining pre-selected seats are a must. Top this off with snacks and I’m easily dropping $50 per visit. I need to at least be getting in the movies for free. I need a girl that’s going to wave me and the kid in. Plus Star Wars: The Last Jedi, The Shape of Water, Jumanji and Pitch Perfect 3 all drop this month; I can see the money walking out of my pocket. Movie bae I need you. Please save me money.

Having a CEO for a girlfriend at some corporation is a bragging point, I guess, but #1 bought a Target discount to the table.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, December 1, 2017

Story Time with JD: She Owes Me Sex

Yesterday the question of the day was “Does anybody owe you sex?” I had a woman that owed me sex; I decided to forgive the debt but if I’m keeping it a buck she still owes me sex. Unless she’s washed then never mind lady please live you life. I’ve told the story numerous times but I never put it on paper so gather around boys and girls it’s Story Time With JD…

I used to be at Hooters every Sunday during football season with the crew in Chinatown. Before the women of Hooters fell off of course. They definitely used to have plenty of “talent” in the building. I’m not a super football fan so Hooters was the compromise spot for the click. I can see the girls and they can watch game. Over the course of the season I started get friendly with some of the talent.

Anyway I ended up dating a chick named Joy (real name because as previously stated if she’s reading this I need those cheeks ASAP). Joy was an HU student and a single mom working at Hooters part time. She also lived in God’s blind spot better known as the city of Baltimore. If you didn’t already know this I’m not a huge fan of Baltimore so our outings consisted of us hanging out after Joy got off work prior to heading home to be a mom. After a handful dates we lined up the overnight “would you like some pussy” date.

Everything was lined up. She booked a room at a hotel by Baltimore’s Inner Harbor; had her cousin baby sitting and all I had to do was pack a bag then drive to Heroin City. This was the age before GPS and Google maps on the phone so I had to hop on Yahoo and actually print out directions. It was the Stone Age; it was a dark time. I left work little early and pulled up to her apartment complex about 6p. Drove 20 minutes across town, pulled up to the Holiday Inn then she hopped out to check-in and she was back in the car in less than 5 minutes. Everything was set. What could go wrong? I found a parking spot instantly with money already on the meter. Winning. Walked into Phillips on a Friday night in the middle of happy hour and got seated instantly. Everything was coming roses. I’m a beer, half a fried calamari appetizer and 3 Hennessey and Cokes in and her cell phone starts ringing back to back. It’s her cousin and I knew the fucking jig was up before she even answered the phone. I’m not about to do the whole conversation back and forth thing so here the gist of it… Her cousin’s baby had a dumb high fever so she was going to take him to the emergency room and didn’t want to drag Joy’s son along. As any decent mom she opted to go get her child which signaled the end of our night. FUCK.

I flagged the waitress down for the check gave her a $100 bill and didn’t wait for the change. We were out. So I’m 4 drinks in on an almost empty stomach and my drunkenness is increasing by the traffic light. We make it to her cousin’s house and the 10 minutes she spent grabbing her kid was like an hour in drunken time. The only thing that stopped me from falling asleep is my Nextel’s low battery chirp. I forgot to mention I had a short in my car charger which becomes pivotal right about now. Her and the kid hop in the car and we make our way to her apartment and I am lit; I can smell the Hennessy coming out of my pores. Jesus take the wheel. She’s apologizing for the 97th time as we pull into the parking lot and for the 97th time I’m telling her it’s cool because shit happens. They get out of the car and head into the building and just then it hits me I don’t know where the fuck I’m at. Like at all. I’m in the neighborhood from Training Day where homie was standing on top of the building clapping pigeons. I flip my phone open to call her and the screen goes black. FUCK. I put in the charger and get nothing. I sat there for about 15 minutes twisting and turning this charger plug every which way trying to get it to work then some random fiend taps on my window and scared the shit out of me. It’s time to go. I pulled out of the parking lot like I just knocked over a convenience store.

So for the record the cell phone is dead, the charger is dead, I’m lost as fuck, I’m 40 miles away from home, drunk as fuck, it’s dark, I’m in the slums of Bmore and the extra kickier it I have no idea what I did with the directions that got me out here for starters. I ride around looking for a gas station for direction to 95 because once I’m on 95 I’m golden and after about another 20 minutes of riding around aimless I find one. I hop out get the directions from the man at the counter and, I bullshit you not, I forgot everything this man said the moment I pulled off. I’m back to driving around trying to piece together what I thought he might of said with my drunken mind. Next thing I remember I’m sitting at green light being awaken by the blaring horn of the car behind me. It’s a wrap. I’m done. I saw a CVS in the distance; about 4 blocks up and parked my car behind the dumpster then went night night. Another fiend woke me up by tapping on the window, but by this time it was 7am and I was sober again. He gave me direction and I gave him $5. I made home by 8 and threw my phone on the charger. When I turned my phone on I had 7 messages all from Joy. 1st was another apology. 2nd was trying to figure out if I made it back to the hotel. 3rd was telling me she had both hotel keys. 4th was telling me she left my name at the front desk so they’d give me a key. 5th was wondering why she hasn’t heard from me. 6th was telling me if I was mad all I had to do is say so instead of ignoring her. 7th was straight up cussing me out. After the night I had I was up for explaining. So I didn’t call and neither did she. Football season was already well over so my Hooters visit were few and far between so we never crossed paths again.

The moral of the story…. FUCK Baltimore
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, November 13, 2017

Let's Workout

I'm not a personal trainer but I've put my 10000 hours in.

I don’t even have a gym membership.

I smoke. I drink. I be on them milds and Hen Dawg. Shout outs to Shannon Sharpe.  I don’t always eat the best. If I was a poster type of guy I would totally have a poster of bacon in my bedroom; probably a bacon bumper sticker too. Bacon is to life as water is to fish. I could totally marry a Muslim woman because I love bacon; I love bacon enough for the both of us.

All that is beside the point.

I want yall to be fit but not to stunt on the beach in Miami but to be functional and healthy. Like to walk up 3 flights of steps with groceries or run for the train and not be on the verge of death.  This is also helpful when combined with a healthy diet in fighting off diabetes, hypertension and other washed life conditions. So if you don’t have the time, money or you rather have something to do while sitting in front of the TV this is for you...

8 Excellent exercises that only require a floor

Squats

Your body weight and hi reps is all you need for this exercise to be highly effective. It will burn fat and build muscle for the quads, glutes and hamstrings.

Crunches

Abs are built with proper diet and cardio. Don’t let anybody tell you anything different, but having a strong core is really important. It alleviates back problems and improves posture.

Leg lifts

More core strength

Mountain climbers

More core strength that target abs and lower back. It can be sped up for a greater cardio effect once form is mastered

Planks

More core strength

Wall squats

Builds muscle, firms and tones the glutes and hamstrings.

Burpees

Perhaps the greatest full body cardio exercise ever created. Also feasibly the most hated and understandably so. It’s like a squat, pushup and a jumping jack had a baby with the intention of ruining your day. Burpees always suck no matter your fitness level and that is a testament to their greatness. Truth is, if you did burpees and no other exercise you’d still be in really good shape.

Pushups

Chest, shoulders, abs, biceps and triceps all get work. There are variations for every fitness level and can be a mainstay in any work for your entire fitness journey.

Always remember it’s way easier to stay fit than it is to get fit.
Jean DeGrate has spoken