Saturday, July 14, 2018

What Really Grinds My Gears Volume: Whatever

I feel like I used to do this all the time but maybe I didn't I felt like I used to do a lot of shit all the time and it turns out I didn't. I’m awesome at talking about shit I don’t like. Way before Chief Keef became popular for telling folks what he doesn’t like in song I was doing it for free and telling anybody that would listen. I think I’m about to get back into it on a regular basis starting today. (Don’t hold me to that because next week I’ll be off this shiy and on to some other shit.)

 

1. Photoshopped Divas

First off bitch who you fooling? I’ve been feeling some kind of way about this for minute but I was throwing parties and I wanted your $20 so I let that shit live. At every event that shit used to burn me the fuck up. Joints would pull up me with heavily blemished skin, 20 to 60 lbs heavier and 3 shades darker off some “hi Jean I’m such and such” Whole time I’m like “no the fuck you not”. Seriously what’s the end game? People are going to see you in real life and shit is not going to add up. You were getting 8 treatment as a 5 and now people going to feel catfished. Especially you fucking “I love my flaws and all; don’t body shame me” chicks because you don’t even like you. (Gripe adjacent not wearing makeup is not an accomplishment; wearing natural hair is not an accomplishment.)

 

2. Celebrities with social media

I used to love Stacey Dash and then I discovered her on Twitter. (Why did God give this bitch internet access? I can’t even watch Clueless anymore.) I used to love Erykah Badu then I read her tweets. I used to love Kanye and now I wish they would have just kept his jaw wired shut. This information age is giving me way too much information and I don’t like it. Walt Disney was a wild bigot, anti-union and fair wages, but he didn’t have a Twitter account so we still love Mickey Mouse and take our kids to Disney world to spend a small fortune. Ignorance is bliss. Remember when that white lady told LeBron to shut up and play basketball? Of course you do it was kind of a big thing. I don’t want to be that lady but when I find out the people I admire because of their craft are trash people it ruins everything they are to me. Fortunately I will continue to illegally download Kanye’s music because he can’t a single stream out of me.

 

3. Your take on what celebrities should do

It might have been last month or two months ago but one of The Migos bought some random dude a Nissan Altima because of he pulled him out of his wrecked car. You idiots were going off. “An Altima? That’s it?” Should he had bought that man a Maybach? A random dude with no car at all? How is he going to insure that? Call up Lloyd’s of London? You idiots stay with the most input on what rich people should do. From how Ciara should parent baby Future to what Cardi B should be wearing on red carpets. How about you take all that energy and flip it into a part time job so you can pay off your Altima a little bit faster.

 

4. People that complain about what social media won’t let you post

Being on social media is like living in your parents’ house. It’s going to be some rules. Some of them you’re going to agree with because they make perfect sense. Some of them will be ridiculous. Some of them you will out right hate. So no matter how much time you spend on social media, how much influence you think you have, how many internet friends you make or how much money you make off of it you don’t ultimately control your content. You don’t own this platform so you can’t get upset about what you’re allowed to do. You want free reign build your own shit; until then shut the fuck up.

 

5. People that can’t land the plane

Every day I witness people jump into these halfcocked debates without a way to close it out because they haven’t got pass “well I don’t like it so it shouldn’t be a thing”. So I’m bouncing around YouTube this morning and somehow some fucking way I ended up on a video from “The Liberty Hound” titled “You are not oppressed Dave Rubin calmly destroys a crazed hyper-victim”. First off Dave Rubin is a gay sort of stand-up comedian but he is a liberal but really a republican. Yeah; I can’t explain this guy; you’ll just have to Google him. Anyway… this young lady hopped on the mic with all that millennial sass coming at Dave’s neck about the validity of hate speech. In her opening rant she was cooking. Like “Yes, bitch, yes”. Then Dave came back with his rebuttal that wasn’t necessarily brilliant but he asked her to give some examples of her oppression caused via hate speech and how the government could fix it and this bitch said “I have no reason to talk about my own oppression because that’s just like mental energy so unless I’m going to be paid”. From that moment on it all went downhill she was never ready to bring it home. She never fleshed out her own argument. She never got to the bottom of what she feels from hate speech and how that translates into a toxic environment and if it is or isn’t a worthy infringement on freedom of speech. I hate that shit so much.

 

I probably won’t do this again. Maybe. Possibly. I’m legit angry typing this.

Jean DeGrate has spoken

Sunday, July 1, 2018

I’m Afraid of Some Shit

I used to be fearless. Not in that crazy way of fearlessness where I threw caution to the wind. Nah buddy. I definitely used to be way cooler and nothing could shake my cool. I sat Indian style eating a bowl of cereal watching the second plane crash into the World Trade Center thinking “Wow this is crazy”. I never felt like Osama Bin Laden was going to change the American way of life. Even when the DC Sniper was running around DC I kept it business as usual. Some 16 years later fear has found it’s way into my heart and I’m going to share a few things with you.

 

People that share extremely personal info on social media

“Everybody done turned their back on me in my time of need. I’m about to ride myself from now on. I just broke the windshield out of my baby father’s car and cut all his tires because his new bitch ain’t better than me.” “This child support got my check looking crazy. I’m about hit a move or go cop something for the quick flip.” Even reading this on my smart phone screen has me feeling some sort of way. Like don’t they know the feds watching? I don’t want to click like or comment because I don’t even want them to know I seen this. They out here baring their souls and rumbling with their demons in front of a bunch of strangers so I know without a shadow of doubt that they don’t give a fuck and they are about that smoke. I’m frightened.

 

White people holding cell phones

Wednesday I illegally parked and when I hoped out of my car there was a white man holding his cell phone making a call. Right then and phcking there my heart skipped 6 beats and I instantly envisioned returning to my car being surrounded by the police. I hoped back in my car and circled the block 4 times until I found a legit spot a whole block away. Funny thing is the parking wasn’t that illegal; the nose of my car was just about 10 inches beyond the “No Parking” sign and the white man wasn’t even looking at me he was just facing my general direction. Homie had me shook because when those white people call the law they pull up with extreme prejudice and I have zero desire to get searched, handcuffed, tazed or shot.

 

Ugly women with several kids

Let me define this a little better. If she’s ugly with 4 plus kids with 2 or more guys this is a clear indication that the pussy is flames. It’s like the first guy that decided to drink from a cows tittie was a wild boy and the second guy to go in was an even wild boy but clearly they were on to something because here we are centuries later with milk in every grocery store. Without actually sleeping with an ugly women with multiple children I’m assuming that the pussy will have you on stuck. How else can you explain why guys keep nutting in these ladies? This is a mystery I’m trying to steer clear of because curiosity might get the best of me.

 

Black people in MAGA hats

I understand white people in MAGA hats. I know they want to stay top dog in the USA and for 8 year Barack Obama threaten that (he really didn’t but the Tiki torch mafia felt some sort of way). Even if Barack was Umar Johnson he still couldn’t make a dent in the chokehold of white privilege. Now black people that have woken up black every day of their lives and have personally experienced injustice and discrimination due to racism and stereotypes choose to put a MAGA hat on top of their head. How are you so disillusioned? America was never great for people that look like you and you’re hoping to return it to its former glory? You sir are a scary motherfucker because you intentionally act against your better interest.

 

Short guys with facial tattoos

First off I’m talking about actually short guys not this “if you’re a man under 6 feet” bullshit. I’m talking about these 5’6 and under dudes. Being a short guy has a lot of disadvantages and adding facial tattoos to that leads me to believe you’re the type of guy that throws caution to the wind and faces all adversities head on. Like if I’m ever in a verbal confrontation with a tattoo faced short guy I’m just going to throw these hands off top. I’m not taking any chances. I’ll sort it out when the dust clears. 

 

People that ride around in 90 degree plus weather with the windows down

Look here I don’t give a fuck how fast you drive 90 degrees is 90 degrees and you’re just getting beat in the face by fast hot ass wind. You probably don’t even have car insurance. You probably stink. You probably have 6 payday advance loans out right now. Your cable is probably in your mother’s name. You probably put 87 octane gas in your car even though it requires 93. I don’t trust you and you scare me.

 

I’m afraid

Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Things I’ve learned About Myself


I feel like I know myself pretty well. I know my limits. I know my weaknesses. I know what I want out of life. My morals are steadfast and I know I don’t like grits or potato salad and it doesn’t matter who made it so if you’re reading this we don’t ever have to have that conversation. With that being said I’m constantly learning new things about myself and it’s crazy because I’ve known me all my life. Since I’m always surprising myself I figured I’d share some of those things with you good people.

Sex is relatively low in my prior matrix
I love pussy but the older I get the lower it slides down the totem pole. It was a time in my life at a “you up” text message at 3am on a Wednesday could get me out of the bed, dressed, in the car and driving across town. Now if I’m in the house at 3pm on the Saturday with zero plans, but it looks like it might rain a “WYD” text from some guaranteed action might go unanswered. It goes beyond that too. No matter how fine she is if she’s stupid, plastic, her kids ugly or a vast assortment of other petty reasons I’m not fucking. Sorry but not sorry.

My favorite clothing brand is not Ralph Lauren
I grew up loving it. Before I could buy it on my own I plotted, pleaded and schemed to get it. In my mind I love Polo. In my mind I’m always Polo down to the socks. Only thing is I’m not though. I own maybe 7 Ralph Lauren items and that might be a stretch. One day I opened my closet and I saw whole lot of Hugo Boss and G-Star making up wardrobe essentials. I have more graphic T’s from Target then Ralph shyt.

I lie when I’m drunk
I’m a pretty honest person mainly because I don’t care enough to lie and I lack emotional empathy. Now when I’m drunk it’s a different story or at least that’s what I’ve been told. I remember the first this was bought to my attention. You know how women love to be like “remember what you said last night”? I came to her house wild drunk after the club because she responded to the “you up” text and the homies dropped me off. Well according to her I said she gave me the best head I ever got. I initially thought she was lying because her head wasn’t even in my top 20. I started taking a surveys from people that I’ve been around drunk and you guessed I was doling out these confidence boosting lies like a motivational speaker. So if you want your ego stroked come find me 6 drinks in.

I might not be dad meeting material
I came to this realization when had my kid almost 11 years ago that I had never met the dad of a single woman I’ve ever dated or slept with. I’m 38 now and I’ve slept with over 4… I’ve slept with enough women and I’ve yet to meet a single dad. I’ve never even come close to having one of those Nick Cannon Drumline “the boy is meeting the parents” moments. I might really not be dad meeting material but I’m at least I’m still the “you want some pussy ” material. Look at God.

I’m a cantankerous old man
I’m an 80’s baby with the soul of an 85 year old black man that’s retire and hangs out at the neighborhood barbershop talking shit about what’s wrong with this generation. I’m more irritable than infant that’s teething. Everything erks my soul. That was a reach because it’s not everything it’s just people. People are the worst kind of people and I can’t stand them. People stay doing dumb shit. I actually enjoy hating people.

I’m boring
Don’t let this charm and wit fool you. I’m boring. Like DVR’ing the weather channel to watch it 3 weeks from now boring. Like watching paint dry boring. My list of shit I don’t do and won’t do is longer than the Constitution. I’ve already decided not to do things that haven’t even been invented yet; like time travel, virtual sex and teleportation. So just imagine the stuff that exist right now that I’m not here for like horseback riding. Why would I want to ride something with a mind of it’s own? Never forget a horse put Superman in a wheelchair. Stay woke.

What have you learned about yourself?
Jean DeGrate is still learning Jean DeGrate

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

These Men Be Broke and Here are 9 Signs

Yesterday I told you about the women so it’s only right that today I talk about the men. Ya’ll know I’m about balance and shit right? Honestly I think women need this info more than men needed the broke chick info because there is really no upside to dating a broke dude. Off top broke dudes are harder to spot because men are so fucking good at hiding their poverty. Their lies are elaborate and the social media is a complete fucking smoke screen and they do a really good job at making piss poor resemble money. Anyway let’s get into.

1. He’s semi-WOKE

Men that continually speak on the disenfranchisement of black people and “the man” systematically holding them back tend to be broke and bitter (a 2 for 1 bonus; stay woke). He’s full of theories and always down to boycott a company for the cause if it doesn’t extend beyond 2 weeks or inconvenience his life. He has hundreds of YouTube videos to back up his thought process on everything from the Illuminati to the Bilderburg group to the destruction of Bill Cosby. Can’t say any of this is the reason why he doesn’t have money but being poor with idle time and access to YouTube tends to make a person feel like some type of scholar.

2. He’s a carry-out/fast food aficionado

Broke boys always know all the good spots to get bad food. The best steak and cheese egg roll in all the land is located at a Chinese carry-out in the seediest side of town. By now everybody is hip to the Chick Fil A sauce but he’s part of the beta test group for the new sauce they’re dropping in fall and all he can say about it is “it’s fire” due to his NDA. He knows every late night pizza spot and dinner in a 50 mile radius. Pretty much any place he can get a meal for less than $14 he’s up on it and it shows because his fridge is filled with half empty containers.

3. He has a lot of hustles

He’s selling jail broken fire sticks. He has a connect on bootleg cable. He’s a mechanic, a party promoter, a barber, an Ůber driver, a landscaper and still manages to work 40 hours on his day job. This man is definitely broke and when he opens his wallet it sighs ever so slightly.

4. He complains about child support/baby mother

Most dudes aren’t out her like Diddy with a herd of children by several different women and endless money. It’s a lot of regular dudes making regular money and hefty child support payments can turn a regular pay check into minimum wage. If he’s going back to court to get his payments lowered he’s probably broke. If his kid calls him to ask for something and he responds “ask your mother she’s getting child support” he’s probably broke. If he can’t understand what his baby mother is spending his money on he’s probably broke.

5. He gently deflects your date suggestions

You want to go to this wine festival that’s all you can eat and drink but its $80 a ticket and a 2 hour drive away so you’ll probably need to book a room too. He counters with a wine bar downtown. You’ve been dying to hit this new fancy seafood restaurant and you’ve been hinting at it for over a month but he’s never in the mood for seafood. He’s deflecting because he doesn’t want to pay for that shyt and be forced to eat Top Ramen for the next pay period.

6. He has a roommate but lives in a shytty neighborhood

Nobody should be going half on an apartment in the trap. If you need help to still be living in the struggle you should probably have stayed in grandma’s basement. If he’s living this way he has terrible credit, selling drugs or he’s really poor.

7. His car is unreliable

His car has been in the shop 3 times for 3 different reasons this year. He just keeps dumping money into it. Digging up money to do one repair at time because he’s too broke to get it all fixed at once or scrap the car all together and buy something new. When his car in the shop and he’s not even hopping in an Ůber; just sitting in the house on stuck he’s probably wild broke.

8. His clothes are ill fitting or he has loud and ugly designer clothing

He dresses like Tim Duncan in the off season. His jeans are 2 sizes too big causing them to buckle at the waist with his belt. His pants inseams are 4 inches too long. His shirts all fit like he used to be 70lbs heavier and he hasn’t gotten around to shopping since he got skinny. He’s broke. He out in these street with True Religion head to toe with the horseshoe logo on everything and none of that shyt matches? He got it from the outlet sis on clearance. He’s still rocking Giuseppe shoes with the all the gold hardware looking like an African scammer from 2014? He’s broke and copped those on EBay gently used.

9. He's a self proclaimed good dude
A good dude. A good hard working man. If he leads with any of that shit his pockets are tighter than skinny jeans on a fat boy. Him and his 98 Camry are on the way to bigger things; he's just waiting on his moment and needs a good woman in his corner who's trying to build with him and possibly loan 150 until payday.

You might have a broke boy on your hands
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

These Women Be Broke and Here are 8 Signs

Dealing with a financially challenged woman is really a mixed bag depending on what type of man you are, what financially position you’re and what position you’d like her to fill. If you have a little bit of money broke chicks make excellent side bitches if you’re down to pay a cable bill or two. However you want to play is up to you but here are some signs that she might be a broke chick.

1. She complains about her friends and family not supporting her and/or not being loyal
Broke women always need help but they tend to call it a lack of support and loyalty. People around them are never supportive enough or loyal enough because they need a lot. She’s a burden on her friends and family in actuality. She doesn’t see it that way though.

2. She doesn’t believe in buying nice things for her kids
As we all know kids out grow shit and break shit because kids are kids. She ain’t buying her kid a PS4 because he broke a “see and say” when he was 3. “I ain’t buying no Jordans so you can out grow them in a month” knowing damn well this kid has never out grown anything in a month; it took him 3 years to outgrow the pacifier.  If she is a firm believer in not buying nice shit aka expensive things for her kid based on the premise that kids will ruin it she probably broke.

3. She has a stupid side hustle
Sometimes stupid and poor go hand in hand. A broke bitch loves a silly ass side hustle. She might be selling Ciroc minis for $5 a piece at a cookout looking to make a 1000. She might start a weave recycling business wear she’s washing, dying and reselling old bundles. Either way she’s going to jump out the window with some sort of dumb ass get rich quick scheme and think she’s cornering the market on renting spoons or something.

4. She plays the lotto faithfully
She’s in a Powerball pool at work and still playing Powerball on the side when the jackpot gets a little high. She’s playing the pick 4 and the pick 3. If she ever said “I played 4126 and that bitch came out 4125” that's all you need to know.

5. She’s under 40 and smokes cigarettes (especially menthol cigarettes)
I don’t know what it is about black poverty and Newports but poor people love it. If she’s rolling around with that clear 2 for a dollar crack head plastic lighter and that box pack of 100’s on deck she probably paying her rent on the 5th and not a day before.

6. She complains about her baby daddy
Baby daddies not pulling their weight or doing their part seems to be a very common narrative chiefly amongst broke women. If she got that bag, holding shit down with ease; you’re not going to hear shit about her baby daddy. On the flipside if she’s been in the house wearing a winter coat because that gas bill too high and making syrup sandwiches because payday is 5 days away; she’s going to have all the smoke for her baby daddy and she’s going to tell you about it.

7. Her weave is terrible
Her invisible part isn’t remotely convincing. Her weave looks like she can take it off like a fitted cap and set it on the nightstand. Her hair looks more like an old Whitney Houston wig during her Bobby Brown cocaine era than it does those $400 bundles folks are raving about it. It is what it is fam.

8. She has plans for money she doesn’t have yet
She was doing the Birdman hand rub in November for her tax return that was coming in March. She knows exactly what she’s spending the pay check after next after next after next on. She knows what months have 3 paydays in them for 2019 right now. That money is spent before the direct deposit hits.

I’m not saying she broke but she’s fitting the broke criteria
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, May 28, 2018

My thoughts on the NFL

I boycotted the NFL last year. I didn’t make a big deal of it. I didn’t change my FB profile. I didn’t do any hash tags. Truth is I didn’t have much to boycott; I’m a Dolphins fan. It was amazingly easy to do. In light of the new ruling of fining teams for players that take the field and refuse to stand for the National Anthem I decided to just not watch the NFL anymore. That’s just me though. You can do as you please and I’m not here to influence you but to offer an suggestion.

Some years back I saw a gay man working at Chick Fil A. If you didn’t know the founder of Chick Fil A Sam Truett Cathy wasn’t with that gay shit and donated money to organizations that promoted “traditional” family values. All the same there was a gay man working at Chick Fil A taking orders and giving up that top notch Chick Fil A customer service. It struck me as odd. Working for a company with a founder and CEO that is openly against your lifestyle just seemed kind of off. Fast forward 5 or 6 years and we have Colin Kaepernick kneeling during the anthem because of police violence and social injustice and shit. It would be wrong to say the NFL was opposed to resolving the issues Colin was kneeling for but I can say as an organization the NFL didn’t give a fuck about said issues.

Fast forward to last week and the internet was like “the NFL is 127% black even the refs are half black because their shirts are striped if they sit out blah… blah… blah.” You know the internet stays with these theories and these halfcocked plans to over thrown tyranny. Granted this is the same internet that would punter kick a puppy into highway traffic for 5 million. Then I thought to myself would I risk my career and gamble with the future of my family to kneel on the sideline? Would I throw caution to wind and leverage my only talent against the league? Would I take my current job that I’ve down for free for years to get to this point risking life and injury to stick it to “the man”? Or would I grit my teeth, bury my pride, stand and put my hand across my heart when the anthem is played? I would surely choose the latter. Colin Kaepernick is still a top 20 QB and Robert Griffin III is signed to the Ravens with a kneecap as stable as Jell-O in a wind storm. Clearly talent isn’t enough. Clearly. With this knowledge I would know with absolute certainty that the league with dispose of me and I wouldn’t be a martyr because Colin already has that job. I would be forgotten and the checks would stop coming.

This isn’t a player issue. This is a fan issue. Unlike the superstar filled NBA the NFL is filled with faceless players. 60 man rosters with 55 of them unrecognizable to the average Joe in passing on the street. The fans fill the stadiums. The fans buy the merchandise. The fans watch the games generating ad revenue. So maybe before we jump out of the window and ask these men to fuck up their money maybe the fans can just hold on to their money instead.

It’s just a thought tho.

Friday, May 25, 2018

Men are actually DTF

I dropped a blog earlier this week detailing how women are not really DTF due to the fact that…

1. Women almost exclusively fuck on their own terms

2. Women discriminate A LOT (and I mean a whole fucking lot)

The majority of men don’t have those hang ups. A LARGE percentage of men indiscriminately fuck . I don’t think women really wrapped their heads around it. I didn’t really see it on a large scale until I had to defend my blog by pointing out women’s unwillingness to fuck (excluding a very small percentage and even that is mood based).  See the problem is I don’t think you people know what "Down To Fuck" actually means. Let me help you.

Ok we all understand the F part so I don’t feel like I really need to flesh that out. We’re going to focus on the “Down to” portion. So DT means open to the suggestion or invitation to of whatever the ending word eludes to. Like “Down to hit a bar” is pretty clear cut. “Down to eat” needs to no explanation. I think that where a lot of women folk got lost.

This isn’t a man bashing blog but men are gross. This is a fact not an opinion. I’ve heard several men in my lifetime say “I don’t turn down nothing but my collar” it’s a pretty common saying amongst the 40 and over men folks. I once worked this guy, Charles Cooper and yes that’s his real name; his mantra was “I don’t turn down nothing but my collar”. Now Chuck was married with 2 kids and very unattractive. His teeth were the color of lemonade. The hair he had remaining on his head closely resembled lint gently sprinkled over melted brown wax. He wore those Harlem Nights Redd Foxx glasses and I’m just going to stop here because it was all bad. I don’t know what was more amazing; the fact that he found a woman to marry him and bare his children or the fact that he was ready and willing to cheat on that woman so indiscriminately. I think this was my first revelation of how DTF men really are but let me bring it home and make it real for you.

Men aren’t going to let any silly shit like titles and relationships get in the way of fucking

Men will knowingly fuck another man’s girlfriend. Men will knowingly fuck another man’s wife. Men will knowingly fuck his homie’s baby mother. Men will risk sexual harassment at work to fuck a co-worker. Men will fuck their kids’ teachers. Men will knowingly fuck his girlfriend/wife’s friends and co-workers. Remember in Baby Boy when Jody got the head off of Yvette’s co-worker then stormed out? Yeah; that was a crock of shit because that would never happened. In real life he would have gotten that nut off.

First baby mothers

It’s a lot dudes out here with that first baby mother looking Biggie Smalls in drag especially if they had that kid between 17 and 24 before they got their lives together. That’s the stage of his life when he was driving the Crown Victoria with no AC and mismatched painted doors. Meanwhile, that second baby mother that he knocked up after he got his money up and life together looks like an Instagram model. Why you ask? Because men are down to fuck the women willing to fuck them and even procreate with them from time to time.

Prison is super gay

I don’t know any openly gay drug dealers, gang bangers, burglars or members of any mob. Somehow, someway being locked in a cell turns heterosexual criminals into gay inmates. You know all that rape that they push in prison movies and TV shows? Yeah; that’s not really a thing. These men are willingly fucking each other. Not all of them but a whole lot of them are prison gay DTF.

Men pay for sex

Nothing says DTF more than a willingness to purchase sex and purchase it from a vast amount of vendors. The same guys that doen’t eat fast food, that lives in the gym, that drives luxury cars and watches YouTube reviews before making a purchase will hand over $300 to a random stripper to get off a nut in a dimly parking lot. Yeah we about that life. Not only are we down to fuck a total stranger we are down to pay that total stranger to fuck us.

I rest my case your honor
Jean DeGrate has spoken