Saturday, December 22, 2012

Why Marriage Isn't What It Used To Be

If you didn't know 60% of all marriages end in divorce. So if it's 10 married couples sitting in a room only 4 of them are going to make it to "until death do us part" (my they should just take that out). I know when you get married it will be the right one, your soul mate, it's going to last forever and all that other dope shit. Yeah, that sounds great but probably won't happen anything like that; cheers to you for staying optimistic nevertheless. Now on with the blog...

People get married for the right reason
It's a handful of people out here still getting married for green cards and money; please allow them to be in profitable relationships. I'm not judging. On the other hand the majority of the people I've met who chose to jump the broom has done it for love and actually wants to spend the rest of their life with somebody. It's no way 60% of the people that decide to make a life commitment got it wrong. The actually change in institute of marriage is a direct result in the changes of the relationship between men and women over the last 60 years or so.

Casual sex
At one point in America sex and marriage were almost a package deal. Easy access pussy was typically available via prostitutes. Now you can bypass courting, bypass dates, a few text messages, late night phone conversations, Skype and a FaceBook account with up to date photos will have you in the running for the pussy. True interaction is not needed to get what must men initially want. You've been watching Catfish right? It's not just obese people falling in love (but mainly like) via a computer screen.

Your mate doesn't actually need you
It seems like so long ago that a man's place and a woman's place was separate and clearly defined. A man was really the head of the household and bread winner and a woman was in the kitchen cooking up dinner. That shit is so over. Equality straight up ruined all that. Men cook, clean, do their own grocery shopping and aundry. Women make their own money and support their own households. Outside of live in companionship and going half on the rent what is really being lost out on if shit doesn't work out?

People change
We've all had people in our lives we've out grown or simply grew apart from. Ideals, habits, interests and aspirations change as we grow older. Any relationship where people are bound to mature differently without any direct pressure to stay together can't really be expected not to falter. It's no way to guarantee the person you fell in love with will be the same person 10 years from now and you can't guarantee you'll be the same person that fell in love with them. Just think of the shit you were into 2 years ago that you wouldn't be caught dead doing today. Just think of the people you knew 5 years ago but aren't even FaceBook friends with today.

You can get all the perks without saying "I do"
I know more common law husband and wives with kids than actual married couples. In most cases you could totally bypass that trip to Jared and when the shit is over bypass the lawyers, divorce papers and coming off of half your shit. You're living under the same roof having unprotected sex. What exactly will a marriage license change? Oh yeah, your filing status with the IRS and not shit else.

Yeah marriage ain't what it used to be
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Jean DeGrate Christmas List

It's been a few years since I put out a Christmas list of the things I would like for myself and others that might just be a tad out of reach. Things that would make me the envy Instagram I can get on my own.

For the world not to end on the 21st
To be honest with you I got real tangible Christmas presents to get and give so the world coming to halt 4 days shy of it would really dampen my holiday mood. That's some real Scrooge like shit Mayans.

If the world is to end on the 21st can a nigga get a zombie apocalypse
(Zombie apocalypse wish list blog dropping next week if the world doesn't end that is.) I've seen every episode of "The Walking Dead" and I know I can do a better job than Rick at leading the survivors. I'm cool with eating canned food and I'm in great zombie fighting shape (I bench press 320). Even if I was all alone like Will Smith in "I am legend" I probably wouldn't go crazy either.

My own sports bar
I don't watch a lot of sports so I can easily get pushed out of the manly man category.  I don't have a huge amount of team pride and I won't ever even consider wearing another jersey for as long as I live. I do love to gamble though. I'm pretty fucking good at and I can honestly account for at least 20% of my yearly earnings to gambling winnings. Where else would be a better base of operations to place bets than my very own sports bar? I can't think of any.

A billion dollars
Because it's a fucking billion dollars and I want to be rich.

For ya'll coons to get off of Jay-Z and Beyonce's nuts
It's ok to admire somebody, I admire Howard Sosin (He invented the hedge fund when he was with AIG, Google him) but I almost never bring him up. I never wish him happy birthday on FB or Twitter. I don't track his movements because his everyday ongoings are rather trivial and aren't worth my time to marvel over. Hov and Bey aren't even the best at what they do and I've got the record sales numbers to prove it. Admire in silence.

Bring YSL back
I loved YSL not this new SLP. The logo was iconic. (I fully expect nobody else to give a fuck about this but this my Christmas list make your own.)

A real solution to this mad gunman violence
I know gun control sounds like the answer but it's not; if people intend to do evil they will succeed at it with or without a Glock or a Sig. We need a real solution and it's bigger than the laws government can put in place.

My goatee to connect
Its young niggas and few women that can grow a full beard that will make Rick Ross blush. I'm a fucking 32 years old man and I can't get my chin hair to meet up with my mustache. I'm losing. Do they have Rogain for facial hair?

To meet a family that celebrates Kwanzaa
I would love to visit that household and actually watch the celebration that is nigger Hanukkah. In my mind they all wear Kente cloth clothing to part take in the least successful holiday ever. For the record BJ and Steak day > Kwanzaa.

For Coons to stop saying free people that did the crime they are incarcerated for
Your cousin, baby father, brother, dad, homie, favorite rapper or whatever the relationship maybe is a criminal. They aren't obviously very good at it because they got caught. Right? Please allow them to finish out their sentence. Hopefully they will perfect their craft or find reform. Sincerely a former criminal.

All I want for Christmas is those things listed
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, December 13, 2012

People that Eat Ass Are Untrustworthy

Because it had to be written

I remember it was the spring of 1997 when I was watching HBO's prison documentary "The Prisoners of the War on Drugs" for the first time and I was introduced to concept of eating ass. My young mind was blown. Now take into consideration I was already 17, no longer a virgin, I was selling drugs and get head on a regular basis. With all that accounted for the idea of somebody willing putting their mouth at the exit point for shit still floored me. Why oh sweet lord why would anybody even want to gamble with the chance of ingesting human feces? Even for incarcerated homo thugs doing life without the possibility of parole and nothing to lose that shit was still gross.


So the birth of Twitter and 15 years later folks are discussing and admitting to all types of sexually debauchery. I know more about the sexually likes and dislikes of perfect strangers than the less 20 plus women I've bedded, but seriously though. I pass a lot of judgment as I twatch from the sidelines. Everything from licking toes to syke-a-dyking to of course the eating of ass; because nothing is taboo on Twitter. It just takes a certain type of savage to dive face first into an asshole for the sake of sexually pleasure. When Andy Dufresne crawled thru a mile of shit in "The Shawshank Redemption" it was for freedom but you niggas are taste testing ass so a bitch can get a nut?


With failure to find a rational reason for ass eating I official deemed all ass eaters to be untrustworthy. They have to be the kind of people that throw caution to wind and laugh in the face of danger. I mean seriously what's a 5 second rule to a person that eats ass? (What's a goon to a goblin?) I even came up with a list of the top 5 things I would especially not trust people that eat ass with.

Taste in restaurants
Oh your favorite restaurant is the Oceanaire? They make a crab cake to die for? You've never had a dish from there that you didn't love? Who the fuck cares? You eat ass for kicks. I can't hold you taste for food in any regard knowing you've ingested excrement. Fuck your opinion and your taste buds my nigga and I mean that in the nicest way.

Expiration dates on medicine and/or food
It's no way an ass eater is a stickler for expiration dates. They seem like the smell then taste type to me. To an ass eater an expiration date is nothing more than a suggestion of when something will no longer be safe to consume but they'll be the true judge of that themselves.

Washing hands after bathroom usage
This one here is a no brainer. If you'll put your face in ass what the fuck is the point of washing your hands after a trip to the facilities? An ass eating germaphobe is an oxymoron. Unless an ass eater physically has piss or shit on their hands I have a hard time imagining them taking advantage soap and water after dropping a deuce.

Being a designated driver
I don't trust you with your own safety being that you snack on human waste from time to time against better conventional judgment, so how the fuck can I trust you to not take a swig or two at the bar while I'm living it up? I can't. You eat ass so you're not about to turn down any drinks.

Safe sex practices
You go face first in ass; you ain't using condoms like that. No way around it you're going in raw whenever the mood hits.

I don't trust them, fight me
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

And Yet Again 2013 Won't Be Your Year Either

Hi. I'm Jean DeGrate you may remember me from blogs such as "Hoe We Don't Have a Future", "That Degree Won't Keep You Warm at Night Baby" and also being blocked by your favorite Twitter personalities. Now I'm back again with the second installment of last year's blog "2012 in Not Your Year".

It's late in the 4th quarter and this year, just like last year and the year before, you're conjuring up New Year's resolutions (only to give up them by February) and plotting on conquering/claiming the upcoming year as your own.

(Okay the following paragraph is pretty much recycled from last year's blog but I'm pretty sure you all won't mind.)

365 days is a mighty long time to claim
Some of ya'll are praying to Jesus, Allah, the Judge at child support court and whoever else you think might have a hand into making 2013 better than 2012. Some of ya'll are doing that same prayer just to make it from pay check to pay check and from day to day. (Shit... somebody reading this blog is praying that the gas light in their car doesn't come on before payday right now.) Claiming an entire year may be just a little bit more than you can handle, especially if you're waiting for somebody to jump down out the sky and give you a helping hand. Start small claim a month. Make February your month not only because it's the shortest month of the year but because you can prepare for it all 31 days of January and it's Black History month. Winning, but here's some other reasons why you shouldn't claim 2013 as your year...

If the world ending on December 21st will be the highlight of your year
If the end of the world is the only thing that can make you problem free it's no way 2013 is going to be your pinnacle year.

If the most important thing you did this year was voting for Obama
Not to down play the importance of voting because we all know these new Obama era blacks put voting right up there with raising kids and being a good Christian, but it's not as of big deal as you'd like to make it out to be (Google the Electoral College). So if the biggest thing you did in all of 2012 was cast a ballot for the black guy you're haven't none much of anything and there is no elections in 2013 so how you going to top that? You're not.

If you "live" for your kids
Aside for the oxymoron that is living for somebody else but trying to claim something for yourself; I won't even touch on that. Just the proposal of life being meaningless until you had fuck trophies is just... well stupid. How did you manage not to kill yourself or get strung out on drugs when you were living your life without purpose before kids? You can't claim a year if you can't even take ownership of your own life.

If you've had more that 4 jobs in the last 4 years
If making it to a 1 year anniversary is a major milestone for you at place of employment how are you going to conquer a year? Baby steps; stick around at job long enough for your benefits to kick in, get a raise or two and maybe even see what that 2 year anniversary is hitting on then work up to claiming a year as your own.

Your last major accomplishment was graduating from high school
Contrary to Negro beliefs; buy a house, having kids, getting married, successfully acquiring Jordans, managing to stay out of jail and never catching an STD aren't accomplishments. Sorry. I know they all make for excellent FaceBook status updates and Tweetgrams but none of that will get you into the gates of heaven or make it on to a noteworthy resume.

Get your life in order before you run out and start claiming years
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, December 7, 2012

The Day My Man Didn't Show Up To the Party

...and by "my man" I mean my penis

...and by "the party" I mean sex

In my time I've successfully friend zoned a few women some post cheeks but mostly pre-cheeks. This blog is in reference to a woman who went ended up in the friend zone against her will and pre-cheeks. Why you friend zone her you ask? She was cool as ice water but her body did zilch for me like nothing at all. Well anyway on with the story...

She was an opportune homie hook-up
Let's call her Cheryl. Her usefulness came at the perfect time because as I was adding her into rotation the girl who was damn near my girlfriend was moving away (Sheds thug tears). Welp. I knew I would need her and a couple others to fill the void that was being left behind. Man shorty stepped all the way up she was scooping up from the office after working crazy hours with food in hand because she knew I wasn't eating on the clock. Sometimes she'd drop me off at home sometimes she take me to her crib and once I hit that door... comatose every single time. I wasn't even going to pretend like I was slightly planning on fucking.

Then Cheryl got a plan
For a smooth 2 to 3 weeks I was able to avoid her trying to put the moves on me and as I kept hitting her with the same ole two-step she got hip then came up with a plan. One day Cheryl just kept calling me at work to asking if I was tired and did I sleep well the night before; I had no idea what she was leading to so I just kept replying I'm ok. She showed with 2 of the big cans of Red Bull. Fuck it, I guzzled them both and tried to get my mind right. After all in my mind she was more than due (men's friend zones unlike women's friend zones are often easily escapable with persistence, probably won't end in a relationship but fucking, yeah that can happen). She had reached the point where she could rightly invoke "courtesy cheeks". We got back to her place with Red Bull flowing through my veins and she was putting her laughable moves on me. I was almost ready, almost had my mind set to embark on the feat until... she started taking those clothes off. She had some B cup titties at best and her body went straight up and down it wasn't a curve in that thing; she was built like a rectangle. My man went from semi-hard to Play-Doh flaccid in 8 seconds; an entire Cialis commercial played in my head as I copped the sleepy plead one more time. A few times during the night she'd reached to see if she could fine the morning wood but there was no lumber to be found.

I'll give it another shot
In the morning I felt so bad for her. I didn't even want her to drop me off at work but I still allowed it. The next night I didn't even get up with her I got up with one of my other joints just to see if everything with me was ok. Just as I suspected everything was working just fine. I was actually backed up because I was given Cheryl so much of my clock due to her convenience (don't judge me), so I end up going for a 3peat that night. I still bad for Cheryl; she had done so much I needed to give her the stroke just so I could have a clear conscience. Then it hit; I'm going to get drunk. That drink should have me where I need to be. I've seen some of the sketchy bitches I've smashed the morning after drinking heavy. Tequila was all I needed and I cursed myself for not thinking of it earlier. She came to scoop and the first stop was liquor store. Before we could pulled out of the liquor store parking lot I was already half way thru my first drink. By the time we got to the movie theatre I was half way into the 5th of 1800 and I was lit. Throughout the movie I was taking a "maintain my buzz" shot every 30 minutes on the dot. When got back to her house I was ready to shut it down. Before I could even fully get undressed she started in with that mouth. I was ready; I could have knocked a lamp off of a coffee table. She rose up to finish getting undressed then the moonlight hit that subpar body and before I could even get the condom on I was holding a wet noodle. I tried to suck on them shitty little titties, I tried to think of more attractive women I've bedded, I even tried to hype my dick up by tugging on it, but nothing I could do in Cheryl's presence would bring him back to life. That night was the second longest night of my life; morning couldn't come fast enough. After that night I had to give shorty her space. I originally thought my penis had failed me but I really failed him by subjected him to such a situation.

JD can't be fucking for favors and shit
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Courtesy Cheeks

I'm on the brink of growing the meanest mutton chops I've ever grown in my life. This doesn't have shit to do when this blog but I just thought that I should mention it anyway. You're all welcome.

Courtesy Cheeks - the act of sexual intercourse out of a sense of obligation over actually having mutual sexual attraction and true intimate interaction leading to it. In a nutshell you felt like you owed someone sex and paid your debt down accordingly.

I'm guilty of submitting to courtesy cheeks a few times myself. Yeah I'm not above it. Maybe she made a few Target runs to pick up a few odds and ends for the kid, came thru and gave me the slight when I had the flu or just hung around long enough for me to say "well she's cool so I might as well give her the stroke". I'm ashamed, but enough about me because you women are way more into slanging these courtesy cheeks than I ever was or ever will be. I even got a courtesy cheeks failure under my belt (see blog titled "The Day My Man Didn't Show Up To the Party" coming soon).

The whole concept of owed or deserved sex is like soft core prostitution. I'm not judging but I'm saying that vagina is often offered up for services or goods rendered like it ain't tricking. I'm not implying that you're flat out hoeing but that pussy might have been used as a bargaining chip a time or two.

Requirements to getting the pussy
Almost every woman has some sort of checklist, a 3 date minimum or sort of made up bullshit that imposes the idea that her current suitor has "earned" the pussy (so she'll feel less slutty). If he takes her on a trip, she's pretty much going to come up off that pussy. If buys her a Michael Kors bag that might not guarantee the pussy but it will damn sure get him few coochie coupons. Now I'm not saying women are fucking men simply for food, favors and gifts (even though some are), but I'm definitely saying if guy provided none of those things he probably won't be in the running for the pussy. How many niggas outside of a college campus are getting the cheeks off long walks to nowhere and the McDonald's dollar menu? I'll wait. Oh ok and now on with the blog.

It starts a change reaction
Men know that these cheeks are being exchanged for favors, kind deeds and so on and so forth. Why do you think men hold open doors public and buy drinks in the club? Those are the baby steps into the pussy bartering market place. Why do you think new suitors are always so eager to please? It's normally takes a bit more than compatible personalities, good phone conversation and dinner at Friday's to get to the pussy promise land. But even with all that knowledge it's some confusion about what will certainly get you there. Just ask the guys sitting in the friend zone.

So what's pussy exchange rate?
Women unlike men often view sex as some sort of prize, incentive or treat. This pussy bartering thing isn't an exact science especially with women at the helm controlling the exchange rate. The variables innumerable; has she already decided to come off the pussy or not, her appearance, ego, how she is used to being treated... It's guys out here doing all the leg work and ended up in friend-zone and other guys mailing it in and getting the cheeks in record time. It's guys doing a full 90 days plus and guys seeing equal return doing the JD average of 8 days from meet to cheeks. It's perplexing and down right disheartening. Here's my turn over formula 2 weeks x 50% effort x 2 phone calls a day x get rapey in the 3rd week; guaranteed to work 47% of the time or get you smacked.

I hope ya'll didn't think I was going solve anything I was just exposing the existence of pussy bartering and setting up my next blog
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Hoe We Don't Have a Future

Hurricane Sandy has me working crazy long hours, but with my few minutes of downtime in the office I like to peruse the social sites and see what my Twitter and FB people are talking about. This morning I happened to see one of the biggest hoes I know change her relationship status to "engaged" accompanied with a picture of an engagement ring. What the entire fuck is going on? How did this travesty come to be? I was tempted to message her for the back story along with a picture of this foolhardy chap, but better judgment prevailed. (Look at me taking the higher road and shit.)

Unwifable (Un - Wife - Able)
In my prime I've smutted out a plethora of women, well let me rephrase that because I've never slutted woman they did it to themselves. Nevertheless after a certain amount of ratchet sexual exposure (especially with that double standard of promiscuity between the sexes) a chick just might be counted out of any settling down equations. All this got me to thinking of the times hoes tried to upgrade with me out their hoe lane. Ladies and gentlemen its story time with JD.

I got like 3 stories that exactly fit this situation but today I'm going just drop one...

About 2 years I'm on the train on the way home from work and I run into a girl that worked at a clothing store I used to frequent. Let's call her Tia. We had exchanged number in the past but never gotten up. To keep it 100 I couldn't even remember her name, but it was a long train ride so I figured I'd small talk it up with her. From the "Hey how you doing, how you been?" she told me her life story from the last time I laid eyes on her literally. And then she told me about her relationship.

It's so funny how her live-in boyfriend went from the love her life to it might be time to move on in under 4 subway stops. Like seriously he was the fucking man; compassionate, supportive and loyal. He walked her dog, he paid all the bills, but somehow as the train ride progressed she was falling out of love with no interference on my part. About 2 stations from my stop she was sick of his mother intrusiveness into their relationship and was ready to start looking for her own place and move out. It was crazy, I felt like I was watching her relationship unravel before my very eyes. Right as her relationship had reached it's lowest point we were at my stop and coincidently her stop too. My apartment building had vacancies, it was only 2 blocks away and my rent is cheap so I figured I let her check it out, no creep shit. Seriously, no creep shit.

A few minutes later she was in my apartment checking out closet space and writing down the contact info for my rental office. Before I even realized what was going on she was taking her shoes off and turning on the TV. Hours passed, the sun set and she was sitting on my lap facing me while I unbuttoned her blouse. I swear to all that is good and right in the world by the time she started in with the head I had totally forgot she had a live-in boyfriend (not that it would have mattered either way), but she was so free with it. The sun rose, she took her phone off of airplane mode and her text inbox and voicemail was on bath salts. She got her things together and left the way she came. I just knew this was a one and done because when she got home that nigga was going to beat her to death, wasn't any way around it. When she called me later on that day I answered the phone "Look who's alive". Tia sold the nigga some dream, he bought it and she was wondering when we were getting up again.

For a solid 4 weeks Tia was sneaking away to my spot like twice a week getting dicked down and getting ghost before the sun came up. She even drove his brand new motherfucking car to my house like once or twice with the paper tags still on it; I even had to come outside to parallel park it for her. I was cool with the situation; I felt bad for that nigga though not bad enough to stop, but bad like how you feel when run over a squirrel in the street. I mean damage was done; it's not like I could get her to unswallow my semen. Then one day out of the blue, maybe like 15 minutes after she had sucked the life out of balls she asked me "What are we doing here?" In my mind I was like "We've been on zero dates, you got a live-in boyfriend, I'm not even 100% sure of what your name is, and last but not least you're a whore ma'am; we're just fucking" I didn't say that though. Instead I replied "Huh, what do you mean?" Somehow in her whore brain she thought that she could just jump from that nigga straight to me, like I would just embrace her with open arms. I guess to her this was like one of those romance novel affairs where to the woman and the sideline dude runoff then live happily ever after. Nah. I had to let her know we were good right where we were and our thing had a ceiling and she was already on the top floor. About week later she realized on what side her bread was getting buttered on and it damn sure wasn't with me. We stop talking completely but I still wonder what makes hoes try shit like that.

This is all we will ever be
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Oh yeah follow me on Twitter @JeanDeGrate and on FB at Jean DeGrate

Monday, November 26, 2012

Are you happy or are you just happy to have somebody?

When you're single, you're exactly as happy as you are and nobody ever says "I hate that nigga so I think I'll start a relationship with him".

Almost all relationships begin in bliss. (Unless money is involved; I've seen women deal with some wild shit when the cash is in abundance). We are just going to fast forward past all that cool, happy, lovey, dovey shit. So when his ringtone was one those upbeat "so in love" Beyonce's track (insert song title here), yep we're going to completely skip that stage. The honeymoon is over, the good times are few and far between, and you're living on the edge.

Do you hate your boo?
I know women that hate the guy they share a bed with. They are seriously one argument and a pair of dirty boxers lying on the bathroom floor away from "accidently" pushing him down a flight of steps. Every conversation you have over 5 minutes always ends in a fight. You say you love this guy but does causing him bodily harm crosses your mind on a regular basis? Have you ever packed your things up to stay at your mother's house or called up some homies to see if you could lay up in their extra room for a while? Keep it real with yourself you don't really want to be there but you're still there.

Still together for stupid reasons
After the love is gone folks really stick around for the simplest shit. "Well, the lease is up March so we going to try to work it out at least until then." "You know he picks my son up from after care because he works five minutes away from his school."  "My cell phone is on his family plan and he gets a 25% discount because of his job." "He throws out the trash and the dumpster is all the way on the other side of the parking lot, ain't nobody got time to be lugging no Glad bag 50 yards to the dumpster." If you make statements that start with "I love him but..." you might need to consider getting out of there.

So why are you still there?
Don't want to start over since you had to sort through all those lames to find the winner that you no longer want? Are you afraid to be alone? Are you holding on because you're waiting for change? Fuck all that shit. Why sit there being miserable? Seriously this is the only time in a life when saying you can do bad all by yourself actually stands for something of note other than trying to duck broke men.

Let it go
Women have a nasty habit of holding on to a relationship way after the shit is over.  Don't be one of those bitches with a new born and soggy titties from a nigga you fell out of love with 2 summers ago. Don't be afraid to call it quits when the only thing that's keeping you together is the fact that you don't have to use a condom with him.

Let that shit be done and move on
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, November 8, 2012

The Top 5 Reasons I Could Never Be a Rapper

So one of my followers was getting into it with Killer Mike over one of these billions of PhotoShopped Obama/Dr King pictures and for some strange reason Killer Mike was really upset about it. I read the back and forth banter for a while then it dawned on me "This nigga won a Grammy and now he arguing with ordinary people about pictures of Obama this nigga losing". How did homie get here? Then it hit me...

1. Rappers fall off everyday B
Unlike being an athlete, singer or an actor falling off from rapping has to be the hardest. Once an athlete's career is done he can become a commentator, sports analysis and coach or get a job in the front office of some team. Singers can dial down to doing smaller venues after the records stop selling; Boyz II Men are still on tour performing "End of the Road" like twice a week. Once the records stop selling you still have your voice so you can still sing until people stop coming to your shows. Actors can go on to live regular lives with the occasionally "Weren't you Stacy in the Wood or something?" and if you say no they'll probably take you at your word as you attempt to sell them a car stereo at Best Buy. Fallen rappers woes go much deeper you can't go on to be a bank teller at PNC after winning a Grammy niggas are going to know who you are. You have no choice but try to keep the dream alive even after your tour bus turns into a cargo van and your bankroll turns into a prepaid VISA that you're only suppose to use to buy gas. Media Takeout is going to post pictures of you standing in line a Wal-Mart like they did Beanie and the world is going to laugh at you.

2. I can't go back to broke
If I'm making 20 bucks an hour I know it will take sweet baby Jesus personally coming down from heaven to get me to go back to making 10 an hour. So if I got to go from balling out of control and dressing like 2Chainz back to driving an average man Jeep Compass and shopping for my clothes in TJ Maxx you might as well kill me. I got to move to a 3rd world country where niggas making like 18 cents a day so I can maintain my balling just a little bit longer. I'd be killing it in the slums of Mongolia with a hut the size of a grocery store.

3. My friends going to want to be put on
If you can't sing you know you can't sing nobody is going to have Simon Cowell William Hung you to see it. If you can't play ball you know you can't play ball, none of Lebron's homies are asking for tryouts with the Heat. Every black man under 40 thinks he can rap especially with what's passing for music these days. Even I think I can rap and I don't rap at all but I put words together all the time. I'd get my Dylon on in the booth and spit hot fire. So just imagine when all my homies keep showing up at the studio trying to put down their 16 bars on my remix and I got to tell them all to get fuck out of here. I'll be friendless.

4. I don't do drugs
I could never get up with my rapper cohorts because they are going to be popping Mollies and I'll be sitting there sober. They'll be having the time of their lives smoking loud while drinking prescription grade cough syrup and I'll be sitting in the corner quietly smoking my black & mild cigar. I don't want to have seizures like Rick Ross and Lil Wayne. I can't show up to the party smoking Reggie and drinking children's strength grape Dimetapp to fit in, they're going to laugh at me. Just imagine how Rick Ross's titties bounce when he's laughing I'd be scarred for life.

5. I'd try to fuck every girl on the video set
Anybody saw French Montana's "Pop That" video? Of course you did, but if you didn't go ahead click over to YouTube. Fire that video up I'll be waiting right here when you get back... You see those half naked women running around shaking ass like shit is sweet? Oh, I couldn't have been there, at least 1 of them would have gotten fucked before they even started shooting. I'd just grab a few of those Mollies off of Rick Ross and get the party started. I wouldn't get shit accomplished because I'd be chasing down these video hoes.

I got to stick with this average Joe life
Jean DeGrate won't be rapping

Monday, November 5, 2012

Are You One of The Unchosen?

Still single?

Accidently ended up in the jumpoff realm?

Didn't get the invite to Thanksgiving dinner quite yet?

Is the cold winter ahead going to be a lonely one?

Cuffing season is like a game of musical chairs and when the music stops and you're left standing... man that shit got to tug at the heart strings. But sometimes you don't even know you've been left standing until the week of Thanksgiving is here and you're just realizing you didn't get an invite to dinner. Since I'm Jean DeGrate and I'm awesome as hell I'm going to tell you the top 5 ways to know you're not in contention for cuffing.

1. No reply to your "Good Morning" text
If you shot a 717a "Good Morning" text to your potential Him/Her on a Monday morning and 9a comes and goes sans a response you're not getting cuffed. You're not even a 3rd string option for cuffing season.

2. You only communicate after sundown
If he only acknowledges your existence when the street lights are on you've probably moved from the potential cuff lane to the standby jumpoff list. He tweets all day or she IG's all day but hasn't sent anything to you other than that single lonely "Good Morning" text. It's needless to say, but that's a dead on sign of your priority in their life and the number 1 spot on the roster is not open to you.

3. You've never been to his house
A big part of cuffing is the sleepovers so actually being to the person's place of residence is a major start to that. If all home visits are to your crib but he has his own spot you know what it is. Right? If ya'll are fucking minus the cuddles then he's washing up in the sink and creeping out in the dead of night you know what it is. Right? You got to see that overnight bag to know it's real. You got to spend some quality time at his crib to know it's real.

4. He hasn't asked you what you want for Christmas
Despite the sudden upsurge of new Muslims in the last few years; the remaining somewhat Christians still practice exchanging gifts with the woman they plan on keeping throughout cuffing season. (Side note - I don't trust them new nigga Muslim either I once saw one of them take off his cofi to eat a piece of bacon.) If he hasn't asked your input on a gift or randomly requested your size for no apparent reason you can not only relinquish the idea of receiving any gifts but also the fact that you'll make it to the spring.

5. He was out of touch during Hurricane Sandy
If there was ever a great opportunity for a snowed-in dry run it was Sandy. If you were really in the running he would have been in the grocery store the day before shit hit the fan asking you what type of can goods you like. If the storm came and gone but all you got are "You good over there" text you're on the list for the Unchosen.

Bonus point, not fucking on the regular
If days turn into a week and zero attempts are made to lay it down you should be happy to even know each other still and get comfortable in the friend zone.

Are You One of The Unchosen this season?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, November 2, 2012

5 reasons why I'll never attend a high school reunion or homecoming

My high school homecoming is today. Go Coolidge Colts and shit. Unfortunately I won't be attending the game or any of the associated festivities. Not because I'm not in town or I have a crazy hectic schedule. Nope, none of that applies to me. I just give zero fucks and this is why...

1. I have a FaceBook account
FaceBook is a bevy of over sharing. I know far more about virtually strangers than I ever needed to know (this includes former schoolmates). With that said I know what's going on with my graduating class and 3 the before and the 3 after. They aren't doing anything that interesting that I feel the need to be within arms reach of them ever. They're all ordinary people, working regular jobs, raising kids and trying to be rappers. Seriously I got at least 10 niggas I went to school with that are 30 plus trying to be rappers. STILL. (If any of you prospective rappers are reading please don't post your YouTube video on my wall, I'll delete it then block you, thanks the management.)

2. There are no girls I still wish to fuck
Sadly all the formerly bad bitches (for lack of better wording) have fallen off; some much harder than others. I've already smashed the girls I really want to hit when they were still in their prime. I won't be rolling into the class reunion attempting to hit it off with a chick I had a mean crush on in the 10th grade. She has 2 kids by 2 different dudes, gained 30lbs and once wore a fishnet cat suit to the club; I saw the pictures on FB. None for me thanks.

3. The "Lets keep in touch" conversation
One of the most annoying things in life is running into a person you vaguely used to know then having that über fake "How you been doing?" exchange. I can easily expect to have 40 plus of those useless chit chats at any post high school function. I don't have it in me to keep pretending to be storing phone numbers in my phone. You want to know where I've been and what I've been up to I can sum it up in one sentence "Nigga I've been living and I assume you've been doing the same". Miss me with all that small talk shit all the folks from high school that I wanted to keep up with I kept up with them.

4. I have no desire to show off
No really I have no desire to show off. If I did I'd just get an Instagram account then I could post pictures of all my expensive clothes, every single meal I eat and endless bottles of Ciroc. I don't have "look at me now" syndrome so I won't be stunting on any of you hoes. From the look of some of my FB school mate homies my most valuable asset is my full head of hair and I ain't even responsible for my hairline that just good genetics.

5. I have no school spirit
I didn't grow up in Dillon, Texas because if I did I'd have a huge amount of school spirit (Friday Night Lights). I grew in a major city with way more to do on a Friday night than watch the lone high school football play some out of towners. I'm not even sure that I've ever been to a high school sporting event ever; I'm damn sure I'm not about to start now though. Plus nobody is gambling on high school sports, I can't even turn a profit.

You can catch me on FB or Google me
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, November 1, 2012

How I Get Away Without Giving Oral?

I know you're interested...

I know you're thinking "Oh, fuck no that couldn't be me he'd have to eat this pussy", but that totally would NOT be the case. You would fall in line just like every other woman I've bedded sans oral and this is why...

1. You wouldn't believe me
Time and time again when I tell a woman I've never eaten pussy they always give me the meanest "Nigga Please" face. It's not possible to be a 30 plus year old sexual active man that has never had his head between any tights. In the midst of her disbelief her "I want to be special" reflex kicks in and she'll begin her own personal quest to get me to go where I "say" I've never been. She'll fail but get an A for effort though.

2. You want to be first
It's almost impossible to have a first anything with somebody once they reach the other side of 25 without doing something crazy. "I was the first girl he ever hit it raw in the parking lot of a Denny's while it was raining". You'll get zero Kudos for pulling off such a trivial feat. But to be the first girl he ever gave that mouth to... you'll win much praise with your girlfriends and a major ego boost. So after saying I've never done she wants to be the one I do it for.

3. You'll get over that shit
I've never been about to get the cheeks and the girl looked up at me then said "Slow down buddy you got to lick this pussy before you stick this pussy". Only dealing with a brand of thirsty nigga will have him pause in his efforts to orally please. I'm clearly not of class of gentleman and it's written on my face so women know better than to try; so fast forward pass that rule. Once we've fucked 7 or 8 times she may find it awkward that she's never received the head from the kid and ask why. I'll tell her I'm not about that life, crack a few jokes about why I don't (i.e. I have high blood pressure so I can't gamble with the sodium) and continue to fuck as normally schedule.

Yeah it just that simple
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

I Don't

I don't give to foreign charities
I remember when the earthquake hit Haiti. I was quick to open and my wallet and send a $1000 to a 3rd world country in strife. I was so proud of myself it was by far the single largest donation I'd ever done. Two days after I cut the check somebody broke into my neighbor's car and stole $6 in change and a pack of winter fresh gum. Then it hit me "Why the fuck am I sending my money to help some grief stricken people on island when I got people starving steps away from my front door?" Helping those people in far away lands isn't helping me. Giving 65 cents a day to famished Africans isn't helping my community. It isn't stopping the starving crackheads from climbing thru my window at night and it's not starting after school programs that keep these knuckleheads from robbing my mother in the grocery store parking lot. I feel sorry for them people across seas struggling but if I can spare it I'm going to take care of home and leave all that world saving to Obama and them.

I don't feed into religion too much
I believe in God but the concept of organized religion doesn't really move me. I was raised Catholic even spent a few Sundays in the Lord's house. I think my faith in religion started turning left around the time I saw somebody catch the Holy Ghost and pass out; I couldn't chance Jesus wanted me to jump around like a fool then fallout for the entire congregation to see. The holes and the contradictions in the good book are a totally different issue. I do good because it's in my heart to do good, not because of the fear of spending eternity in hell or time in jail.

I don't run away from where I come from
I grew up in the hood. I love the hood. I love us. I see so many of us in rushing to get out of the hood. Rushing to get far far away from everything they've known as soon as they get a little bit of money. I grew up made enough money to get out of hood and stayed right there, with my people. I did buy more guns though.

I don't feed into this celebrity bullshit
I don't care if Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together (unless they make a sex tape I'm totally interested in a Rihanna sex tape). I care not for the on goings of the rich and famous if it doesn't entertain me. A millionaire punched another millionaire in the face at the club and that millionaire had to get snitches. I'm sure his money and otherwise awesome life will comfort him through his anguish but I will give no fucks.

And this is what happens when you really don't have shit to write about
Jean DeGrate ain't said shit

Monday, October 22, 2012

Single with 2 or More Kids Baby You Losing

Before any of you women get offend and all bent out of shape just know you went out here and scooped up these fuck trophies. Congratulations. The ability to single handedly raise and own multiple children is only a reputable skill amongst other baby mamas. Now on with the blog...

As we all know women love single fathers so none of this actually applies to us.

I'm a dad and a handful of my close homies are dads... lets see Caddy, Slick, Dion and Jamel. Yep that will about do it and out of those 4 brothers 2 of them are married so I'm actually only tight with 2 single dads. I know countless single baby mothers though, countless. All my other close homies are childless and living. They also avoid women with multiple kids in seriously relationships like the black plague and this is why...

Women with multiple kids do less because they have more going on
If she has a kid she's a mom first. If she has 2 or more kids she's a mom 2 times over. It equals more homework, more laundry, more snotty noses to clean, more expenses and less time for him. When he's getting the feeling like he's being squeezed into her schedule, that's exactly what it is. So yeah, he could be sitting by the phone on standby or he could just date a woman without kids. Women with kids damn sure don't attempt to do anything extra to make themselves more dateable or desirable. It's "I got kids what the fuck do you expect".

Nobody wants to be Alan Bean
Do you know who Alan Bean is without the help of Google? I'm going to jump out there on a limb and say you have no fucking idea who he is. He's the 4th man on the moon. Being the 3rd dude to impregnate a chick is like being the 4th man on the moon. He's accomplishing a not so impressive feat. He's boldly going where at least 2 dudes have skeeted before. Even though no parades will be held for any man that knocked up a woman but being last on the scene is like oh ok she's still fertile. He's just adding to the collection.

That baby wear and tear is real
Chances are them titties ain't half of what they used to be. Those tiger stripes all over her abdomen aren't going anywhere. Yeah that raisin belly is here to stay. Unless she's genetically blessed with that bounce back gene or has a mean workout ethic it's safe to assume her glory days are behind her. You know who fucks with shirts on? Fat women and women that own multiple kids. You know who loves to fuck with the lights off? Fat women and women that own multiple kids. Sometimes fat women and multiple kid owners are one in the same. The first guy damaged her, the second guy finished her off and now this new guy has to have shirt on lights off sex.

Committing to a woman with kids means committing to those kids
Yeah all that "I don't need nobody to play daddy to my kids" is great in theory, but you can't seriously date a woman without some kind of interaction with those kids. Once he gets pass that just fucking and dating stage when sleepovers become the norm there will be kid interaction. A man can't just sit on the couch and pretend little man doesn't exist; he's going to have to talk and play with that kid even if he can't stand that kid. As the relationship progresses those kids will become more involved into his life on a regular basis; trust when shit gets real those kids are part of the package. Trying to get a place together? Got to make room for those kids. Nine out ten dudes without kids aren't about that instant family life.

They will still fuck though
He will sell you dreams, lay that pipe and sneak out of the house before the kids wake up on nights she can't find a baby sitter. He'll keep it light and string things along for as long as possible but the odds are against him taking it any further. Going from no kids to 2 or more kids is a hell of a jump.

Less is always more when we talking kid ownership
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Act Your Wage

"Wage - a sum of money paid to a worker in exchange for services, especially for work performed on an hourly, daily, or weekly basis"

People are always telling other people how to spend their money and how to manage their finances. I'm one of the people always getting told what I should be doing with my money, so I know exactly what it feels like. In this blog I'm about to tell you what not to do with your money and say some of the realest shit ever. Don't blow your money.

Last year I paid $19,753.40 in federal income taxes and that's after dumping 16% of my earnings into my 401k tax deferred. Yeah I'm in whole other other tax bracket. I live in the hood in a 2 bedroom apartment with a rent of $800 a month and I have ZERO debt. With that said I sleep in on my couch (I have bedroom furniture though) and my most prized possession is my entertainment system including my 51 inch flat screen TV. Despite all my inferred frugalness I'm currently wearing a $200 cardigan, $700 shoes, $350 belt and $200 jeans but still manage to support a child, ride on 20 inch rims and live well below my means. I've found the perfect balance between doing what I want to do and not going broke also known as acting my wage.

July was crazy
If I was on that check to check shit I'd still be in the process of paying back payday advance loans and shit. Everything just went bad in July. On June 29th a 2 hour thunderstorm fucked my city over, knocked my power out for week and to top it all off it was a heat wave. I had to pay holiday rate for my 3 day hotel stay, restock my fridge, and eat all 3 meals a day out for a week. My fish died and my house smelt like it I had to replace those and the tank too. Then I had my daughter's birthday on the 17th and of course I had to get her all the dope shit she required.  Just getting my house back in order and the cost of eating out, I easily spent 1200. I was prepared for such a situation by not spending every dime to my name and I didn't have to turn to my daughter then tell her "Sorry, daddy can't you the iPad 3".

You want it one way but it's another
In a perfect world all my beautiful all my lower-middle class and below black people would have 40 acres, a mule, a luxury car of their choice and a yearly all expenses paid trip to South Beach because coons love Miami. Life isn't that way; chances are your life isn't shit like a verse from "Niggas in Paris". Since only 29.3% of the black households make 50K or better that means most of you coons are poor despite all of that crazy financial magic Eastern Motors performed to put you in that 2002 C-Class Benz. (Side note - if you're paying a car note on a vehicle that's 10 years old or older and you consider yourself an adult you've failed at life.)  If you had to move back in with your parents for any other reasons than saving up to buy a house or losing your job obviously you're not winning financially no matter how many pairs of Jordans or Michael Kors bags you own.

Being broke is immature
If you're 25 plus and gainfully employed phrases like "All I got is 20 until Friday" and "I got you on payday" shouldn't exist in your lexicon. I know life happens but you should be sitting on something. You're far too old to be living check to check. Something like having to put new tires on your car or replacing a broken cell phone shouldn't put you in financial disarray. You can't be eating Top Ramen and planning trips to Miami at the same time homie.

Seriously cut the shit
Who you living for? Who you stunting for? Why you buy that Lexus when that Camry would have flown you in knowing you got rent to pay and kids to feed? Why you financing a TV from Rent-A-Center when that tube TV was still working? Why you turning your nose up at Coach bags when that Louie cost more than you make in two weeks? Stop letting your wants exceed your funds. Those likes on Instagram won't fill your fridge. The comments on FaceBook won't keep you lights on or stop the repo man from snatching your whip.

Handle your money correctly because God will not provide
They say God looks out for babies and fools; that might be a mean embellishment. Being grown and failing to spend within your limits will have you back on your mother's couch or worst. It's homeless niggas out in the streets right now waiting for Jesus to come thru. You can't satisfy your champagne taste with 4Loko money without coming up short somewhere else. You should only use credit to buy big purchases i.e. cars, houses, major appliances and emergencies. Don't let Best Buy trick you into financing that big screen; if you can't buy it in cash don't get it. Ideally anything under 3k should be paid for straight up. I would honestly lose sleep knowing that I still got payments to make on my bed. "Only 10 more months and this 2 year old living room furniture will be mine"... That's crazy talk I'd sit Indian style in front of the TV before that.

You make Jenkins money don't keep up with the Jones's
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Hitting Women... The Uppercut Incident

"She wanna act like a man I'mma treat her like a man"

I don't hit women... shit I don't even beat my daughter and she surely has earned an ass whopping or two in her short life. Do I condone hitting women? Absolutely and unequivocally. Yeah I got a mother, a daughter and a sister and yeah I wouldn't want any of them to receive a beating from a man or woman, but on with the blog. I've seen women do things that certainly warranted a beat down. I'm not talking that verbal bullshit because as a woman you automatically get a pass on talking shit. I've seen women go off and physically assault men twice their size. Some of those men simply walked away (and I'm sure God is smiley down on those fellas) and some of those men beat sparks out of them bitches (I'm pretty sure God isn't smiley down on them but I wasn't mad at them dudes though).

The line of disrespect
It's an imaginary line or threshold for the amount of disrespect a man will take. In most cases that line is in a different place when dealing with members of the opposite sex. I.e. a man to man situation where somebody accidentally steps on one's new Jordans may very well end in a shootout, several murders and jail time. Now if a woman committed the same offense it would simply be brushed off. See the line of disrespect for women to cross is normally much farther up the road for the men that don't follow the Ike Turner ideology. Women habitually take advantage of this liberty.

We are equals
Women have the right to vote, equal pay and other types of dope shit. So why not equal consequences for your actions? If you poke a bear you'll probably get mauled and it doesn't matter if you own a vagina or not. That glass ceiling in place when it comes to physical violence won't always be a saving grace.

Ready for the consequences
If woman is going to act unladylike and raise her hand towards any person be it male or female she should be ready for the repercussions of her actions. The determining factor of what those consequences will is always in the hands of the defender. When I saw the uppercut for the first 17 times I was shocked, not because he hit a woman, but because he opted to use that punch. Whose first punch is an uppercut? I thought it was just and this is why...

If she was a man
I saw the video several times. I saw how she was carrying on and if she was a 25 year old man acting in that manner the bus driver Artis Hughes would be revered as a hero. Artis would be the working class man that stood up to an unruly inner city punk. T-shirts would bear the silhouetted likeness of his signature uppercut. Saying would be coined "Don't get caught with that Artis Uppercut". He'd be interviewed by Russ Parr and Steve Harvey on morning radio talk shows. But Shi'dea Lane is a woman who assaulted a man and he was expected not to react, right?

But we are equals right?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Saturday, October 13, 2012

How I Fucked Up a Lesbian Friendship

Once about a time I had two lesbian homies. One white and one black; yep I had the box chopper market cornered. I still got Kerry but let me tell you how I fucked it up with my black lesbo homie, let's call her Pam.

Pam was the cousin and roommate of chick I was talking to back in 02 or 03 I can't be sure of the year, but I didn't have hair yet. The cousin and I never hit it off (in other words I never got the cheeks and come to think about it I can't even remember her name) but somehow Pam and I got super tight from me breezing through the crib just two times. I always wanted a black dyke homie because I thought she would make the ultimate wingman and the Lesbo God reached down blessed the kid.

She was cute
She wasn't so dyked out that you couldn't tell she was a pretty girl. She had pretty hair and kept in two strand twist. Slim build, she wasn't one of these old burly bull dyke joints but she stayed with baggy jeans, t-shirts and Jordans on like all the time so I couldn't see what that body was hitting on. She easily had more shoes than me but I guess that isn't hard when you wear little boys' sizes. With all that dykie swag she made a horrible wingman; the shit was laughable how bad shit went over when we hit a happy hour. After about 3 failed attempts to work her wingman charm we just hit up strip clubs or I'd swing pass her house or vice versa.

She was super cool
Whether we was getting wasted in the strip club or having competitions going back and forth at broads on Black Planet (don't judge me ya'll did it too) we used to have a blast. It was like she was a dude for real and she was always down to get up and do some shit. I'd hit her on the chirp because we both had Nextel and she'd never hit me with that "I'm broke" rap it was always "who driving".

And then came the picture
Even though we had only been kicking it for like 3 months it felt like we went back years. So one day we're chilling at her mother's house looking through old shoe boxes full of pictures and there it was. It was a picture of her but it didn't look shit like the little nigga I'd be kicking it with for the last months.

JD - Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the fuck up... who's that?
Pam - That was me at homecoming dance?
JD - what? Homecoming dance? Hand me that

...and there was Pam but a girly version of Pam in a tight blue dress with perky palm sized titties, flat stomach and a phat ass. Her hair was straightened and it reached the middle of her back. Slim was bad as shit and I was stepping all around town with her dressed in jerseys and shit looking like Queen Latifah's little sister. It took a good 5 minutes to calm the creep in me back down. I regained my composure, tossed the picture back in the shoe box and played it off cool.

And then shit got weird
Just so you all know I went above and beyond to avoid ever bringing up that picture or any reference to her being an actual girl. If anything I treated her more like a dude. Then out of nowhere and days later she bought up the picture...

Pam - You did say anything about me as a girl
JD - We still on that? Ain't like you're a girl anymore.
Pam - So you don't have nothing to say?
JD - You're my nigga and I saw of picture of you in a dress the shit was kinda gay.
Pam - You know I'm a woman. Are you just going to keep avoiding the question?
JD - You like girls so you already know you used to be a tough joint. You don't need me to co-sign that, but yeah I'd smashed the old you.
Pam - That's all you had to say I'm still the same person
JD - Nigga you probably wear underwear with dick holes in them.

She laughed and then I smoothly changed the subject.

And then shit got really weird
In retrospect I could have shut all this shit down because I saw it coming when she bought up the picture after the fact. Women want to be perceived as fuckable. That's why women in committed relationships come to club with their titties hanging out and shit. Yeah they are not there to hook up but they want niggas to push up on them, buy them drinks and make them feel pretty. As dykie as Pam was, I treated her like a man for months and that made her feel not so fuckable. So a girl I that I never shared more physical contact than a fist pound with suddenly became ultra physical. Now she wants to play fight. Now she wants to sit directly next to me on the futon. Now she wants to workout with me wearing tights, sports bras and shit. What did I do about all this? I allowed it because deep down inside (maybe not that deeply) I wanted to smash so I let my penis sit in the driver's seat.

And then she got naked
For this solid week or so of the slow pitch box tossing she was doing, I just merely played along and still kept her in that nigga lane. I might have called her "gay" a 1000 times during that period but I never crossed into move making zone. No accidently feel ups, no lingering embraces; I smoothly avoided all that dumb shit she was setting me up. I was pretty proud of myself because that blue dress image never left my mind. Then she raised the bar. One night we were supposed to head and she slid through in her work clothes with a duffle bag asking to use me shower. Sure, cool, why not? I didn't even check the toilet for shit stains just told her to head on up. About 5 minutes passes and Pam is yelling down the stairs "I need a towel". I run up the stairs, grab the least beat towel out of the linen closet and tapped on the bathroom door. The bathroom door swings open and she's standing there wearing panties and Nike ankle socks; all chill I manage to hold on to went out of the window. She went from dyking homie to fine naked girl inviting me into the bathroom with her. I'm far from Zane so if you were expecting some detailed sex scene description you may need to visit another blog. I fucked. We chilled. I fucked again. We also never made it out the house that night.

And somehow I expected everything to go back to normal
I'm stupid it like that sometimes. In my mind we fucked so she knows she's still fuckable and now that we got the dumb shit out the way she can go back to dyking and we can go back to being homies. Nope, nothing like that happened. She kept up with the touchy feely bullshit and was no longer interested in doing the shit we used to do. She pretty much turned into a girl and that wasn't what I signed up for. I did what any man in position would do I completely ignored her fucking existence and instead of saying "What the fuck son? Go head with that dumb shit". After about a week of sending her to voicemail and not answering her chirps (Nextel) she stopped trying to contact me. I saw her a few months back in passing she was still dyking and gave me the meanest ice grill once she noticed who I was. Welp.

Now I get straight women and make them homies. When they start acting all girly trying to put the moves on the kid and shit I already see it coming. I hit them with the swerve and get shit back on track.

If I left her unfucked we'd be all good
Jean DeGrate is down to one lesbo homie

Monday, October 8, 2012

That Degree Won't Keep You Warm at Night Baby

You got yourself a master's degree, a closet full of designer clothes, handbags and shoes, a great career, a luxury automobile and money in the bank. You go girl. I bet you consider yourself some sort of catch or something? Yeah you do and I can see why. A man with all those things (minus the handbags of course) would be, for lack of better words, the shit. Women love men that are well situated, somewhat accomplished and shit. But that doesn't necessarily translate over that well when it's vice versa and this is why.

Bringing to the table the same or more
I often hear women make these two statements. "I can do bad all by myself" which translates into "I'm already struggling fuck do I need a nigga that's struggling for? So we can struggle together? Fuck that." And "Any man I'm dating needs to match everything I'm bringing to the table or better."  That statement pretty much negates all of your accomplishments because all the men that aren't your perceived equal or greater will be overlooked. That guy working as assistant manger in Target may be down right flabbergasted by all that you've done but will you give him a shot?

A phat ass trumps your degree every time
Well maybe not every time it's more like every fucking time (and by phat ass I mean great body but I'm an ass man). You don't believe me? Well, when is the last time you saw Condoleezza Rice as a centerfold? How about Oprah? I bet you've seen several glamour shots of Beyonce and she just got her GED this year. Your master's degree in sociology may just land you the job of dreams but it won't do a damn thing for when you're in happy hour trying to get noticed. Niggas ain't checking your résumé.

Men are genetically design to be attracted to your physical features
Consequently your physical pretty much trumps all. I know seems real shallow doesn't it? Having a place to live and source of income are virtually a necessity but all the other professional polishing you may have acquired are more like a fluffer. We ultimately gain nothing from it. Men aren't looking for women on their level especially since men tend to make more than women on average; that would basically make a large portion of the dating pool untapped. That Cliff and Clair Huxtable life is a rarity. In real life when Bill met Camille he was already an accomplished stand-up comedian and she was a college student.

Men tend to date younger woman for the same reason women date older men
Their places in life are just more compatible and desirable. Women often date older men because they are more accomplished in life and are more suited to play a provider-protector role. They are normally wiser, have more assets and therefore look much more appealing.  Prime example women find Rick Ross attractive but the nigga looks like a young black Santa Clause. On the flip side of the spectrum younger women are normally more appealing to older men because they possess the traits that they are attracted too i.e. their titties ain't all saggy, they still own a waistline and cellulite hasn't taken over their legs yet. It's a win win for everybody.

Next time you're at happy hour and you see a professionally dress man flirting with the half dress bartender but not paying any attention to you and crew of professional women you're going to already know the deal.

Snuggle up with that degree though
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

What Makes Me Sad

I'm always seeing what's causing pain and aguish in the life of others but I never really talk about the things that weigh heavy on my soul. I to know hurt and sadness; my pain runs deep let me share it with you.

Black Twitter
Everyday on Black Twitter is like the beginning of "A Tale of Two Cities"... "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness..."  I know Black Twitter is where the means kids hang out and slander is in abundance but the level of stupidity, immaturity and close-mindedness there is just disheartening. Black Twitter you are the bane of my existence. Well not really I could always not logon, but how the fuck would I keep myself entertained at work? I could always do actual work but, I'm clearly not about that life.

Catching an elevator somebody just farted in
You don't know the woes of standing on an elevator full of funk for 7 floors; it isn't going anywhere it's down for the long haul. "I didn't sign up for this shit. Who did I wrong? Fuck it's in my mouth, I can taste it. Oh, now this lady getting on the elevator going to think I put in this work. Fuck my life and fuck working on the top floor of this building. I should have taken the stairs."

Little kids with dried up snot of their faces
It's something about seeing a little black boy running around with that thick scab hard dried up snot on his face just let me know that his parents ain't shit and he's got such a hard road ahead of him. Do you know how long it takes snot to dry up hard like that? At least 20 minutes. That means he's out and about and his parents aren't even checking for him. It's going to take a hot rag soaked in rubbing alcohol and a chisel to get that shit off his face.

Ugly lightskin bitches with high self-esteem
This inside lightskin vs. darkskin racism has done a terrible injustice to you unfortunate faced lightskin girls. No matter what onset physical adversities these poor red bone women have, they carry an air of confidence like they just made the finals of America's Next Top Model. It just hurts my soul when I see them talking and carrying on like they are on top of the world even though I know they'll probably die alone.

Ignant coons talking politics
I appreciate Obama coming along and making every black person get involved and way more vocal in government policies. Somehow the least informed coons are the most vocal and bias though. I know your president is black but so is everybody else's. Who died and made you the black Bill Maher? They should have never gave you niggas internet.

Fat women with little titties
I can't think of a worst physical combination than a large woman with anorexic breasts. She lost the genetic lottery and it just breaks my little heart.

I get sad sometimes too
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, October 1, 2012

I'm Grown So...

I've reached the legal age for drinking, smoking and voting but being grown is so much more than that. None of that relationship settle down bullshit or that accumulation of wealth foolishness either. Sir Isaac Newton lived and died without ever getting the pussy and must people die poor so it can't be about money. I'm talking about the things you start to appreciate or flat out hate once you reach a certain level of maturity. I came to this moment of realization last week when I got a random "What ya doing?" text at 11:42pm on a Tuesday. No, I wasn't sleeping; to be perfectly honest I was drinking Don Julio and Simply Lemonade watching "Sons of Anarchy". I still found it alarmingly disturbing that an adult would reach out to another adult they aren't even fucking just to chit chat and shit. Nah B I'm not having it which brings me to my first point of maturity...

Don't call me and don't text me off the late night
I'm a grown ass man. I work 40 plus hours a week and I'm raising a daughter on the side. Fuck I look like entertaining another grown up when I got to go to work in the morning. Sunday through Thursday past the hour of 11pm I'm only taking calls in reference to my child and emergencies that directly affect me or I can be of some sort of assistance in. You want to shoot the breeze call somebody without shit better to do.

I'm not waiting in line to give my money away
If I got to do something other than walk into a shoe store ask for my size then pay for it at the register I won't be able to buy those shoes. I can't get up early in the morning then wait in line for a chance to spend money on over priced shoes made in Taiwan (because it's no guarantee it won't be sold out by the time I get to the front of the line). I also can't stand in line at the club. Fuck that, I can't let this washed up high school football player dressed in all black have that much control over me. Not just so I can hang out in a hot nightclub avoiding people stepping on my shoes and buy overpriced liquor.

I'm passing on these fads
Niggas wearing jean jackets with the sleeves cut off? Snap back hats are back? Facial tattoos are the way to go now? Asides from all the money I've blown on these fly by night trends (remember Von Dutch and throwback jerseys) I've seriously out grown all the coming and going trends. I get excited by a nice new pair of pants but these new niggas are going ape shit over whatever Rick Ross is signing off on. I'm clearly not about that gaudy gold chain and leopard print clothing life.

I'm not trying to impress anybody
Like seriously though, I don't chase pussy and I'm not seeking employment so I don't have anybody to make an impact on. I get no fulfillment from "likes" on FaceBook. I'm not even on Instagram because I don't take pictures of my meals, clothes or myself. I wear Louie; I wear Gucci at the same damn time, but I also wear Levi's and Target T-shirts. Right at this exact moment my dreds need to be twisted, I can stand to shave and no fucks are given.

I'm getting older so a lot of shit is getting played out
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, September 27, 2012

The Top 5 Reasons Why It's Better to Be a Single Dad over a Single Mom

Yesterday I was out with my daughter to get her a fall jacket and winter coat. I'm not one of those parents that waits for Jack Frost to start tapping on my windowpane while I'm trying to push my seed outside in a jean jacket and scarf. Nah B, Mother Nature won't catch me slipping. So this time, just like any other time, I'm out in public with my Madi women are all in my face which brings me to reason number 1...

Women love single fathers
"Aww look at her taking little man to get his hair cut. She's such a great mom. I should try to get at her." - No man EVER. Seeing a woman toting around a kid is about as sexually appealing as Discovery Channels 'Shark Week' (and if you find Shark Week sexy you may need to check on your mental health). That little boy you're walking with is luggage to most men looking on. When I'm walking thru the mall with my daughter ever 3rd woman is literally going to stop and say "Hey cutie" to Madison while giving me the once over. That soft pitch box action is just waiting for me to say hello. The girl from Last Stop gave me two receipts one for my purchase and the other with her number on it. She likes me because I bought my daughter a jacket, yeah me.

2. Dead beat dads still be winning
I know dead beat dads with live in girlfriends that have never seen their kids. How is that possible? These silly ass women are given these lames the benefit of the doubt, then turn around and be in their feelings when she gets knocked up and he gets low on her. How is it possible to be with a man and you haven't even seen a picture of Lil Ray Ray on his FaceBook page? I don't know but, these niggas be acting up and ya'll hoes be letting them.

3. Dead beat mothers reap no such benefits
If a woman isn't taking care of her kids she's the scum of the earth. You don't have to worry about her getting pregnant once a dude comes past the house and sees that day old dried up snot of Junior's face. He might hit it still but trust he won't be laying in that raw under any circumstances. "You got your tubes tied and you had your ovaries removed and you got tested for every STD known to man just this morning? I still rather not take any chances, you know anything can happen and you can't be too safe. So where is the nearest 7-11 at again?"

4. Part time daddy
I don't know any fulltime dads that aren't in a relationship with the mother of the child. I know they exist; they just don't exist in abundance. So if you're a single dad out here you almost definitely have some non-kid occupied free time. Almost every single mother I know is on the job 90% of the time. They're out here bribing other single mother homies to watch the kids so she can get a date night in and shit. "If you watch Kennedy and James Jr. tonight I promise I'll take Markell all weekend and even take him to Chuck E Cheese."

5. We get undue credit for doing the right thing
Walking thru the grocery store people stop and thank me for being a father to my child. People who have never even seen me interact with my Madison naturally assume I'm a great dad. How did they come to this conclusion? Fuck if I know, but I bask in the praise all the same.

Single dads be winning
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, September 24, 2012

CWD - Common Woman's Disease

Do you want your man to tell you the WHOLE truth and do you think you're really ready for it?

Do you think you can change your mate to better suit you?

Do ask your girlfriends what do about your man?

If you've answered yes to any of these questions you may be suffering from CWD and CWD is the leading cause of female loneliness.

The truth is a very powerful thing and most people think they want it not knowing what really to expect. A female will say baby I always want you to be honest with me and follow it up with a question that has an answer to make her face look like she just bit into a lemon covered in vinegar.

Example A - You might ask your man what he did last night and the truth will be...

"I went to the strip club with Mike and the crew, got stupid drunk, and spent about 700 on lap dances from one of the finest bitches I ever seen I my life. Nigga listen... I'd seriously drink that bitch bath water. Shit all this week I'm going to have to bring my lunch to work and I got to cancel date night because I've fucked the money up; but I'll gladly do it again. To top it off when I come over tonight I'll be thinking about her when I'm laying you up in you."

Now what you really want is that watered down truth that goes like this...

"I went out with Mike and them; I must have drunk way too much because I was spending money like a fool."

Example B - You might ask your man what attracted him to you and the truth will be...

"Real talk I really wanted your girlfriend, she is phatter than a muthafucka, but when I walked on the group you smiled and said "hello". Why wouldn't I go with the sure thing? You were cute enough and your titties were out and shit so fuck it, I went with you. I'm glad you spoke up now though if that counts for anything. By the way if your girlfriend is one of those "try to fuck your man behind your back' type of bitches you need to keep her the fuck away from me."

Now what you really want is that watered down truth that goes like this...

"I thought you were cute then you spoke and I felt a vibe from there."

The truth can be that cold and you don't really want that, but CWD will lead you to believe that you do. How you going act when the truth gets dropped on you? You going to break-up with him now? Maybe hold an attitude over his head because your homie Stacy ass phatter than yours? Some things are better left unsaid especially if they aren't deal breakers but will only result in a hurt feeling or two.

Women often get the feeling that they can change a man to better suit their needs and 90% of the time they are wrong as hell, but CWD will tell her that she can do it. In her course to make him the man she wants him to be she will normally drive him to cheat, away, or just crazy and sometimes all three. There are only two things that are guaranteed to change a man a. a near death experience and b. time. Most of you don't even know what you are doing. You'll say things like "if I could just get him to stop going out so much" or "I'm going to get him to take me out more" and subconsciously you'll begin making nagging demands or catching attitudes to make him do as you wish. Is the shit he doing making you unhappy to the point you don't want to deal with him? If so tell him straight out he might make a change. If it's not a deal breaker go find some chill.

Listening to your girlfriends will fuck a relationship up. No... wait... I'm wrong let me take that back... listening to your girlfriends then letting CWD hype you up into doing some dumb shit will fuck up a relationship. I've seen some chicks tell another chick to do some shit they would never do if the shoe was on the other foot. "Girl, if I was you I wouldn't be going for any of that shit, he couldn't be my man doing all that." That's the dumb shit that will have you popping up at a dude job looking for "work boo's" and texting him from strange numbers with made up names in the middle of the night just to see how he's going to act. They can't help you because they aren't you, keeping them out of your business will keep you in business.

There is no cure for CWD but you can fight these symptoms you just have to stay on top of this type of behavior.

When you see CWD bearing its ugly head push it back down.

If you're lonely, think men ain't shit, or never had a relationship to last longer than 2 years; baby go see a doctor you just might be sick.

Stay Healthy
Jean DeGrate has spoken

I Know What a Good Man Is Now

Thanks to social media, black women with unrealistically high standards, and the two Tyler Perry movies I've seen I know exactly what a good/real man is and let me tell you he is one hell of a guy. In "Why Did I Get Married" the policeman aka a real man took in an overweight disgruntle married woman gave her a job and then they fell in love. A good man is the kind of guy that will carry his woman or give her his shoes because the stupid high heels she decided to wear on this long walk are killing her feet. A good man is a super hero multiplied by a simp then multiplied by Barack Obama. Seriously it's in the bible.

A good man will claim another woman's kids as his own.
That's right you date a woman with kids so it's only right to adopt those kids. That's what real men do. You got to buy those little niglets presents on Christmas, pick them up from after-care, and attend PTA's meets.

A good man is a provider
If he's not paying most of the bills he's paying all the damn bills. It's the manly thing to do. In this day and age men are women are equals unless money or manual labor is involved then bro it's all on you.

A good man is a handy man
He can fix a cracked iPhone screen with saran wrap and crazy glue. He can fix a flat tire faster than those pit stop guys in NASCAR and puts together shit from IKEA without and left over pieces in less than 20 minutes.

He's a great example of a human being
Once you get pass all those super human qualities he just a fucking great guy. He's understanding, street smart, caring, attentive, honest, brave and studious. He gives blood and does volunteer work at the same damn time. Kids, parents, and pets all love him.

So of course with a guy being this fucking awesome he's deserving of a good woman right? But every example of a good woman is a chick that cooks, cleans and owns a vagina. That really seems to be the basic guidelines of a good woman. Why would this awesome dude want to settle for just that? Can anybody give me a better depiction for me and my readers?

No serious question though what is a good woman?
Jean DeGrate needs to know

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Why You Can't Be Friends with Benefits

Fact: most men will eagerly and regularly have sexual relations with a woman he has absolutely ZERO interest in being in a committed relationship with.

Fact: most women will rarely have sex with a man that she couldn't see the possibility of a relationship with (unless she's a hoe of course and not a "friendly vagina" brand of hoe but a Tittie Tuesday on Twitter bust it open on World Star hoe).

With those two factors in mind, men and women can't be on a level playing field. But fuck it let's just pretend you two got pass that and came to some sort of logically agreement where both parties (and by both parties I mean the woman and her emotions) fully understood this was a situation of convenience between two homies.

You're not really down to play second fiddle
Ideally a friend with benefits situation is a placeholder for the possibility of real love. How are you going to feel knowing the person you're spooning with is only here until something better comes along? What is he looking for that you don't have? Is the next person better than you? Are you only good for sex?  The answer to these questions will always be "No, it's not like that, I just don't want to mess up the friendship" (damage already done though) and after a while that answer is not going to cut it. You don't really want to do that to yourself. You're going to fuck up your self-esteem.

It's going to get awkward
The more you fuck the more attachments you build. The lady heart strings are firmly attached to the vagina in 991 of 1000 women (its in books and shit). Once you sleep together 10 times you're only one long trip to the kitchen away from checking his text messages while he's gone. How strange is it going to be when your girlfriend, that's just his speed, asks about him? You going to cock block the homie? You don't want to see her happily ever after with him even thought that's not your HIM. What you going to do when you're the only one in love?

He just might try to have his cake and eat it too
He has on demand no strings attached pussy and nobody is just walking away from that. Even when another girl comes into the picture and shows potential he won't be in a rush to end things with his homie jumpoff situation. You'll go from placeholder to plan B and you won't get hip until he sends you to voicemail 4 times in a row on a Wednesday night because he's laid up with Ms New Booty. Now you're going to sit there looking stupid typing up bitter text messages and letting them sit in the draft folder. Yeah, you thought you two were better than that but you can't spazz out either because ya'll are just friends with benefits. Right?

Those benefits will make you way more than just friends
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, September 17, 2012

Your Life is Easy

People love to complain about their woes and how hard life is. Nigga please, I used to think my life was hard until I turned on the fucking news. I'm not talking about "Timmy that got shot in a drive by in East Oakland" news. Nah, fuck that shit people get shot everyday, I mean unless an unarmed black man gets shot by a white man because that's big news (somehow Trayvon Martin holding a bag of Skittles and a can of iced tea trumps the entire City of Chicago). I'm talking world news with the India power outage that lasted 20 hours and affected 300 million people. My power was out for 5 days I stayed in a hotel on the other side of town with cable TV, pillow top mattresses, free wifi and a free breakfast buffet every morning. I though I was in hell; my fish died and why should I have to catch an elevator to get a plate full of free bacon. It was fucking torture but somewhere in Africa little boy has never had electricity and has to walk 3 miles to stream for a bucket of water only to carry it on his head back home before school.

We live in a country where homeless people have vices, cell phones and preferences (true story a homeless lady once told me she doesn't eat pork). The government picks up the tab on child care and medical needs for the less fortunate. Fuck you can get famous here for just acting like an idiot on reality TV or saying funny shit on the internet.

Women are always complaining about how difficult their lives are and how horrible men are but no men ever say "shut the fuck up" because they want to fuck them. Nobody is calling you on your shit. Motherhood is hard I get it, I feel you kind of after all I am I dad. But here's the catch that puts all back on you... you gave birth to that so you're responsible for that. If you let a person climb out of your vagina you have to take care of it that's been the rule since the dawn of time. It's a thankless job? Fuck you. You're not supposed to get thanked for cleaning up your own mess. That's why mother's day is always on a Sunday because nobody is going to give you a day off for some shit you willingly got into. Here a perk to being a woman... men are always trying to feed you (unless your hideous in that case blame your parents). Strange woman don't walk up to me in the street trying to take me out to feed and I'm good looking even when women do try to go out with me the meal is still on me.

Stop pulling the fucking race card shit on everything please. We got a black president and being that black people only make up 16.3% of the US even if every black that was "eligible" to vote voted twice it still wouldn't be enough for us to single handedly put a black man in office. I hate the cops, but if the police pulled you over maybe you looked like you were up to some shit or did something wrong. With statistics like 1 in 3 black men going to jail and making up 40% of the prison population it's easy to assume you might be up to some shit. In these cases racially profiling and playing the odds go hand and hand. You haven't been sprayed by a fireman's hose or attacked by a policeman's dog just for standing up for your rights. You haven't picked cotton and had to call some white man master so go find some chill.

Despite the lack of flying cars and microwaves that heat food evenly, current technology is the shit, but you people are never happy. The phone that's currently sitting in my pocket not only makes wireless calls, but it's a fucking computer. Niggas landed on the moon in a spaceship powered by a jazzy calculator and you fucking ingrates go into full melt down mode when you can't change your avi on fucking Twitter. If your iPhone/Android phone doesn't do all you need it to do shut the fuck and build a better one.

We got it sweet for real
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, September 14, 2012

Just Random Volume Something or the Other

Yeah, its not really enough to put a blog on any of these topics so I give you this just random shit.

Work for this love?
I don't chase women; I got a bum knee from trying to wrestling move on a classmate in the 4th grade (long story). Women shouldn't chase men either because I strongly disagree with running in high heels. Honestly though why should anybody that doesn't really know you do any over the top shit to win your affections? All that extra work put in to win you over is fake anyway because that's clearly not how they would normally act. So when you're asking somebody to go over top you're asking them to be somebody else. What you going do when the real person shows up? Or even worst how about when all the work is done and they realized they don't even fucking like you? Let's take it back to the way shit to way it used to be; I like you and you like me so let's see what it do. Fuck all that jumping through hoops shit.

Anti-US riots?
You don't fuck with the US? I feel you. It's a few countries I'm not fond of myself (mainly the countries that crank out the cab drivers that refuse to stop for black people). Do you really think setting a KFC on fire is hurting the US economy? Do you think Colonel Sanders is rolling over in his grave because you destroyed a store that corporation has insured? If you didn't know the answer is "fuck no". What you have accomplished is putting some of your fellow countryman of a job though. Congratulations your hate for somebody else is fucking up your own economy and putting your neighbors out of work.

Owning high-end shit
I keep seeing this picture floating around the net with two guys one is wearing $400 jeans and $500 shoes and the other guy wearing $12 shoes but he's worth a billion. Contrary to popular belief most people wearing $12 are poor, like having sleep for dinner poor. It's almost certain that whatever you're buy is making somebody else richer high-end or low-end and nobody every got rich by simply avoiding buying high-end shit. "I mean I could have been a millionaire but the last 6 pairs of Jordans I bought were holding me back" - Nobody EVER. Spend your money how you please whether is be $12 shoes or $1200 shoes just don't go broke doing it.

Kid woes
Nigga, fuck you and your kid problems. Your baby mother ain't shit; she's in the club every night and always coming after your money. You shouldn't have hit the bitch raw. Your fucking bad. Your baby father doesn't take care of his kid, he doesn't pay child support or none of the shit he suppose to do. Welp, you should have swallowed. Kids are costly, they don't always act right and the person that help you make them doesn't always play their part; this should be breaking news to nobody. You willing made those motherfuckers shut the fuck and handle the problems you made for yourself.

Yeah I'm about done
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

How It Would Go If I Paid All the Bills

Last week on Black Twitter (since Black Twitter, which is primarily made up of poor people, is always debating about some money shit) folks were all in an uproar about men paying all the bills or at least a lion's share of the bills. Most of these claims were made by women who look like they weren't used to having shit anyway (ole' Sophie from The Color Purple looking ass bitches but out of the goodness of my heart I allowed them to cook). Anyway it got me to thinking what would I require in return to completely finance a household that I wasn't the only member of.

Off top... providing pussy, occasionally pushing a mop, sweeping a floor and making a meal does NOT make you a household asset. Contrary to popular belief pussy (yes, even your pussy) isn't like an oasis in the middle of a desert; truth be told the market is over saturated with easy access vagina and the stock value has nose-dived. I've lived for years (and by years I mean all my life) without a maid or personal chef and I'm just fine but my cable went out once in a snow storm and I almost lost my mind. I can clean and cook for myself but I can't entertain myself like the good people at Comcast can. Needless to say I will choose my TV over a maid/chef.

No lip
There will be no lip. I don't want to hear your fucking mouth about a muthafucking thing. TV too loud and you're trying to sleep. Why the fuck would I care I'm the only one paying bills around here. If you're taking a shower and I come in the bathroom chuck the meanest deuce, flush the toilet then leave it would be in your best interest to hold your breathe and wait until the warm cools back down again. If I'm sitting on the couch Indian style ass naked on a Sunday morning watching porn with the volume all the way up if you're going to say something you better be checking to see it I need anything. "Baby, you want some juice, lotion, wet wipes, mouf or anything?"

Sex on demand
Foreplay is optional and by optional I mean it's my option. You want to get in the mood just go look at last months utility bills. You should get wet just thinking of all the money you saved. I should be able to walk up on you all disrespectful like and rub my dick across your forehead and from there you know what to do.

Dress me
Not that lay my clothes out in the morning dumb shit I'm perfectly capable of that. I actually want you to dress me. I will lay across the bed lifelessly while you put on my socks, pants, shirt, so on and so forth. I'm 200lbs you might need to be in shape for that.

Requests due to change
Outside of my child I've never had anybody rely on me for survival so who knows all the wild shit I might dream up for the grown woman I don't owe shit to. I might be getting bathed Eddie Murphy style from Coming to America. Time, opportunity and woman looking for a free ride are a dangerous combination for an asshole such as myself.

What are you willing to do to go rent free?
Jean DeGrate is asking