Monday, January 31, 2011


*Disclaimer – I’ll be squeezing the word “titties”, and as many variations of it that I can think of, into this blog simply because I think it’s a funny word*

In this world there are breast men and ass men. I’m the latter and this why…

Breasts are great
If I could get a job as a professional tittie sucker I would. (Seriously if anybody reading this has the inside track to the pro tittie sucking game please inbox me ASAP; I don’t even need to get paid I’ll do it as an intern.)

A clear view of some nice cleavage is right up there with seeing the sun set over the Pacific Ocean. Everyday I could see the same great breasts and each time it will give me the same warm fuzzy feeling as it did the first time. Women even love a good set of knockers and with all that said they still come a distant second to a nice ass.

Titties have an expiration date
With the exception of those Tupperware microwavable dishwasher safe after-market titties, all titties fall victim to gravity. I honestly believe the old saying “The bigger they are… the harder they fall” was about breasts. Even those once perky, standing at attention titties that almost winked at passer-bys when she was 16 slowly but surely eventually begin to reach for that waistline. With my own eyes, thanks to a few cases of boomerang pussy, I seen stellar breast go to just ok and ok titties go to Rick James “the milk’s gone bad” horrible in the span of 5 years. I won’t even touch on what I’ve seen pregnancy and breast feeding do to some once quality boobage, we’ll just leave it at down right unsuckable. Not even the 18 hour cross your heart bra or any of Victoria’s secrets can save those tig-ol-bitties from flying south. There is no breast lifting workouts, no tittie rejuvenating diets and no knocker revitalizing pills; without the help surgeon its rap for those once lovely lady lumps. If you’re 30 plus, kids or no kids, and those fun bags aren’t quite what they used to be you already know it’s an all down hill battle from here, literally.

The glory of a great ass
A great ass is like the ultimate accessory; it goes good with jeans, dresses, slacks and skirts, shit it even looks good in sweatpants on laundry day. When it’s too cold for cleavage that ass can still manage to make its presence felt. If her breasts are pouring out of her shirt she might be taken for a slut in the wrong setting but that phat ass is classy on any occasion and at every event. Even though boob men rave about a nice chest they still respect some quality cheekage. Unlike the assortment of sizes and shapes breast come in remain under scrutiny subject to each man’s personal preference you can get 9 out of 10 men to agree on a nice ass without much discussion.

That ass is timeless
It’s been many of days when I’ve just been minding my business and a phat grandma will cross my path. From the back I can’t tell her age, because them mom jeans range on women from thirty to a billion, and by time I get a glimpse of her face she clearly 50 or better but that ass is immortal. Trust and believe if she’s lucky enough to have a great ass she can maintain that ass. If you take care of yourself that ass will follow suite. You don’t need those jazzy Reeboks or some crazy butt sculpting workout to keep those quality cheeks you already have. I’ve never seen an ass fall off without the surrounding real estate take a nose dive.
I prefer a great ass because eventually those titties will do the belly-button shuffle

Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Miss Me With That Dropping Knowledge Shit

Can it be, it was all so simple then?
I remember back in the day when it was just some old dude, maybe an old lady on the train reading a prayer or a few bible verses at the top of their lungs during the A.M. rush hour. Once in a blue moon a Jehovah’s Witness might catch me slipping and slide me a copy of that Watch Tower followed by a 5 to 10 minute sermon. I didn’t even mind the Nation of Islam brothers rolling up on me with the Final Call and the bean pies because if you didn’t bite on it, they didn’t linger. Shit, this one time, I’m almost sure that when I told the bow-tied brother I was good, he told me in return “Ok then, peace my nigga.” But I used to smoke a lot back then so I can’t be sure. Compared to now, I really miss those days.

In your face knowledge, so heed to these words.
Now days, we got niggas dressed up like Raiden from Mortal Kombat, standing on milk crates with megaphones screaming their message at random, busy intersections for anybody within earshot. They have literature, incense, body oils and a lot of pinned up aggression towards anybody seeming like they aren’t open to accept the knowledge they are bestowing upon them. Funny thing about this is that all those niggas sound like the long lost members of the Wu Tang clan not featured on “36 Chambers.” On the bright side, cutting a wide circle around dudes will allow you to bypass that whole ordeal. I wish it was that easy in all instances.

Instead of taking one of those online Phoenix University classes…
Whether they’ve been to jail, got a hold of one of those “Illuminati is everybody and everybody is Illuminati” DVDs, spent too much time alone reading the bible or connected all the dots on the internet so they now see “the bigger picture” that so many others failed to. (Yeah, that might be one of the longest sentences I’ve ever written; sue me.) This person clearly has a wealth of free time on their hands by way of unemployment, incarceration or just mind-numbing boredom. But, worry not. They took advantage of that down time overlooking the bachelor’s degree in ‘Advanced Frisbee Throwing’ and went straight to learning about all the dark forces running the world.

Random dude sitting next to me is a conspiracy theorist.
I guess this ‘locs and glasses’ combo makes me look open to the teachings of strangers because they love to drop knowledge on me. Just be it my fucking luck, with all that knowledge he’s accrued, he has chosen to randomly share it with me. So here I am window seating it up on the train, deep into the latest trending topic on Twitter (#WhyYourBabyMammaCantDoHandStands) and, unbeknownst to me, this self educated scholar plops down right beside me. First stop; no words but a few empty seats open up and he doesn’t make a break for any of them. Second stop; he introduces himself followed by an abundance of information about not a muthafucking thing that I can possibly use. Fifth stop; he’s half way into the real creation of the earth and I’m wondering if I could snap his neck in one smooth motion. Although I want him to say some shit that will just blow my mind, it never happens. I really want to say “Get the fuck away from me with that dumb shit.” I just end up spending the rest of the train ride listening to why the world is so messed up and I don’t know what’s really going on.

Saying “Miss me with that dumb shit,” would really save me a lot of strife.
Jean DeGrate should have spoken

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Government Budgeting is Bullshit

*If you’re an Obama dick rider or your just looking for my normal brand of foolishness go head and skip this one*

I’m not anti-Obama but I am anti government bullshit. So when he was on TV delivering the State of the Union address being all charismatic and shit my twitter and FaceBook was blowing up on how swagged up he was, how fine Michelle is (she’s not) and what Joe Biden is up to. Nobody commented on what the man was actually saying. Am I the only one that found that odd? The truth is it’s not Obama’s fault the government is fucked up. I don’t want to hear about tax cuts and government budgeting when I know you’re bluffing.

You can’t afford to give tax breaks when the US deficit is on track to hit 1.5 trillion this year. This is the headline I read in the Post today “U.S. budget deficit to hit $1.5 trillion” the morning after the State of Union address. What would have been real is for him to walk up to the microphone and say…

“The union is fucked; this shit is all bad son. We will continue to borrow 40 cents out of every dollar we spend. It won’t be any social security for anybody under the age of 50 and almost every cent that is paid into the fund is almost immediately paid out. I can’t create jobs out of now where so unemployment rates will stay around 9% for quite some time and I’ll spend more money to provide those unemployed with benefits which has added 400 billion to the deficit. Even if I could force this 5 year benefit freeze thru Congress it would not only mean no re-election for myself but also turning over the entire legislative branch to the GOP, so this is just a super bluff. Plus how would the tea partiers and Fox news act when I attempt to cut back on Medicare, food stamps and Medicare for the poor and disabled. So with that said allow me to distract you with the 2nd graders that caught topping each other off in an Oakland school as a clever lead into our needs to beef up our education system.”

I ain’t for all that bluffing shit
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

You’re Not That Guy

Because some of you dudes think you’re that guy but you’ve been grossly ill advised and I haven’t done a blog like this in a long time

If the closest you’ve ever come to a 3 sum is being forced to hear your roommate get it in because you have thin walls in your apartment… you’re not that guy

If you’re above the age of 23 and you’ve been bitched by another human being… you’re not that guy

If you’ve been talking to a chick for longer than 2 months and she hasn’t tried to put a title on your relationship, yep you guessed it…. you’re not that guy

If you’ve ever recycled a line that you heard on TV to use in the club then clearly ….you’re not that guy

If you’ve ever asked a woman for the time but before you got the question out of your mouth she told you she wasn’t interested or that she has a man; well that’s a damn shame but at least you know….. you’re not that guy

If you’re lighting your cigarette but the woman standing closest to you asks a dude standing 5 feet away for a light… you’re not that guy

If you don’t have a voice on the bars/clubs your friends hit when you all are out……you’re not that guy

If you ever told a story about yourself and had to list references that were there to witness it going down….. you’re not that guy

If you ever took a chick on vacation that you weren’t currently fucking, then even your mother knows…… you’re not that guy

If you’ve ever sent a chick anything for Valentine’s Day, from that Tiffany’s blue box, right down to a heart shape Peppermint Patty, that you aren’t in a relationship with……. you’re not that guy

If you fit into 3 or more of these chances are you’re not that guy
Jean DeGrate has spoken

9 Random Reasons Why I Won’t Talk to a Female

There’re certain times when I can see good reason to not to talk to a woman without knowing shit about her really. These are some of the red flags that scream, “JD just go the other way.”

1. She has a FaceBook photo album dedicated to her favorite female celebrity
This says, “Jean although you don’t know me, I have stalker tendencies. Just like I’ve searched the internet for pictures of her, I’ll Google your name to find every bit of info on you. I’ll attempt to befriend your friends and implant myself in every aspect of your life. When we do breakup, I’ll probably slash your tires and throw a brick through your windshield or pretend to be pregnant to keep you around.”

2. All of her favorite movies are Tyler Perry movies
Normally, if a chick is all into Tyler Perry flicks, she’s either an undercover man hater or delusional about what she expects out of a relationship.

3. She has on Blac Label, Baby Phat, Apple Bottom, or any of those urban brands
Unless she’s doing laundry, in the grocery store, or lounging around the house, there’s no good reason why any grown ass woman should be wearing clothes with the brand imprinted on them. Somehow, it speaks to her level of maturity. She may be 30, but her outfit says, “I’m 16, and my mommy still does the majority of my shopping.”

4. She watches large amounts of reality TV
This doesn’t really say anything bad about her, but you got to be a strong brother to sit back and dedicate your Sunday nights to “Brandy and Ray J,” “What Chili Wants,” “RHOA,” and “Basketball Wives.” (Side note: Has anybody noticed that half these broads ain’t even married? There’re all shows about jump-offs, girlfriends, and single chicks. That’s 2 hours of watching nothing but a bunch of washed-up bitter bitches.)

5. She has 3 or more kids, all by different dudes
Yeah, I know the excuse: sometimes that’s just the way of life. You fall in love; have a baby; then fall out of love; then repeat the process 2 more times. None for me… Thanks.

6. She’s extraordinarily flirty
You ever met a chick that pushes up on you so hard within the first 20 minutes of knowing her, it seems like if you whip your dick out right then and there she would hop right on it. Oh… that’s never happened to you? Sorry about that. Anyway… when it does happen to me, I immediately start planning my departure.

7. She approaches you then asks you to buy her a drink
I can’t begin to count the amount of times I’ve been standing at the bar drinking my Moet out of the bottle, and a chick rolls up on me to say, “You should buy me a drink.” Every time I’m hit with that, it floors me. You would think I was at a Kevin Hart show when I start laughing. My response is always the same, once I regain my composure and wipe the tears from my eyes: “For what?” If you can walk up on a stranger and just start requesting shit, chances are that pussy is for sale, and I’m not buying.

8. She has no back pockets on her jeans
I know this “jegging” trend is all the rave right now. (Not to mention, they make almost any slim chick look Amber Rose phat.) Although women rarely put anything in their pockets anyway, there’s something about the absence of them that just screams, “I’m really broke, and my idea of a fancy restaurant is Ruby Tuesdays.” This could just be a fucked up stereotype, but that’s just how I feel.

9. Her hair is a color that couldn’t possibly have grown out of a human head
If you have braids and 7 of them just happen to be orange, we don’t have any business knowing each other. If your highlights are purple or fire engine red, my first comment to you will probably be, “I didn’t know people were still dying their hair with Kool-Aid,” right before I walk away.

Some of this might seem crazy to you, but it all makes perfect sense to me
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, January 20, 2011

She’s a real woman but… what she really means is she’s a real bitch

If you were born with a vagina 9 out 10 doctors would agree that you’re a real woman. That means all you penis tuckers, post op trannies and Wendy Williams don’t make the cut, but now that we got the science out of the way on with the blog…

Two of the 10 most hated lines I hate for a woman to utter are: “I’m a real woman” and “Most men just can’t handle me”. Funny thing is when a woman says she a “real woman” she often follows it up with “most men just can’t handle me” sometime in that conversation.

And all this time I thought you were a robot…
Since some women are “real women” it’s only natural to assume that the other women are “fake women”. I would love for a woman to give me a detailed description of a “fake” woman or at least point that “fake woman” out so I could get a chance to chop it up with her. Personal experience has shown me most of you are relatively the same besides minor personality straits. What makes one chick smile is likely to work on 100 others and what pisses one chick off will probably have the same effect on 1 million others. But really, what does a real woman do or have that a “fake” woman doesn’t have or do themselves? The “real woman” title just seems more like a made up self validating label to make the “real women” feel better about themselves.

“Most men just can’t handle me”
This line really only stands up when it comes from lesbians or porn stars and normally the combination of both. Now when plain Jane from 3rd street says “most men just can’t handle me” it normally means one of 3 things…

A. I’m ugly in combination with a bad attitude
I personally believe the more unattractive a female is the more charming she should be. Talking to an ugly chick on the phone should be the equivalent of walking on sunshine. Unfortunately, that’s not how it goes, most ugly women I’ve come across aren’t very pleasant and their attitude is almost as unpleasant as their faces are.

B. You’re a so called independent women
Independent women normally do their best to shit on men with less than them, whether it be monetarily or education wise. Every chance she gets she’ll take a shot at your social or financial status while building herself up. In other words she is a condescending bitch who’s quick to remind you that she thinks you ain’t shit.

C. You’re just a regular old bitch
You nag all the time; you complain all the time; you criticize all the time and you just have an overall fucked up disposition. You think the world owes you something and you aren’t afraid to speak on it. Nothing is ever really good enough even if you never had shit to start with. You’re the type of chick that’s hungry at work and a dude brings you a McDonald’s extra value meal out the goodness of his heart and you turn around and say “nigga do I look like I eat fast food”.

If she says men can’t handle her it’s because men don’t like her. She’s more likely to spend her nights watching Lifetime and Tyler Perry movies than spending it with a possible suitor.

If she says she’s a real woman you should probably let this chick pass
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

My Favorite Quotes by Me

Yeah I know it’s cocky but fuck it sue me. I got to give it to myself sometimes I say some down right funny/clever shit. Plus when I get bored I read my own shit.

“Every time I seen these 3rd world tribal village titties it just bums me out. I mean they walk around all day with these triangle long flat titties and since it’s their way National Geographic won’t blur it out.” - From “What Really Grinds My Gears National Geographic Edition: Indigenous People Specials”

“I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with a woman with a famous baby daddy. I could almost imagine it... Coming home to Maybach parked in your drive way, your next door neighbor running up telling you that he thinks Swiss Beats is in your back yard playing catch with your step son. Walk thru the door and this nigga holding your remote control with his feet up on your coffee table. Every year his Christmas gifts shitting on yours, his family vacations shitting on yours and every time he pop up it’s like everybody pause.” - From “And I wonder”

“You are super clingy or just doing too much”
“Real talk instead of saying “Shawty you doing too much” or “Shawty you stifling a nigga I can’t fucking breathe let me get some time to myself” we opt not to take your calls anymore. Instead of getting in an argument that will probably end up in us not talking anymore anyway we can end it here with the end button that the cell phones companies intended for us to use. Yeah it’s the sucker way out I guess, but should I really have to deal with the aggression of person I’m clearly not planning on knowing anymore?” - From “Why We Dip (Yep I’m guilty we includes me)”

“The PEAK of LAME and I should have jumped off and killed myself”
“(Real talk I’m staring at the screen trying to find the best way to word this shit to make me look the least lame as possible. Just thinking about it reaffirms why she cut me off like a Mexican with a switchblade.) At this time Nicole and I been chopping it up pretty heavy for like a good 8 days; she saw me like almost twice a day (including jogging). She snuck me into the dorm bypassing the sign-in process at the time this meant nothing to me I figured I was going home anyway. We were in the room chilling and she was playing me close but for some strange reason when I’m in serious ‘like’ with a chick my “she’s trying to give you some pussy” detector just doesn’t function well (I might have to check into that). So she stepped it up a notch and began to change in front of me and I actually looked away; like I was really trying not to look at her get underdressed (anti-pussy move). After she switches into the Adina Howard outfit (T-Shirt and panties) it’s time to go to sleep and I should spend the night. So here I am grown ass man with a count in the triple digits laying next to a half naked attractive girl that I’m seriously digging in jeans and a tank-top then she turns to me and says “Don’t you want to take your jeans off?” I reply “Nah I’m good” then proceed to go to sleep. It wasn’t until I was halfway home and started to do the night’s recap in my head that I realized that I smoothly worked my way out of the pussy.” - From “Like done fucked up the pussy for me”

“Shitting at work”
“I do my best to exclusively chuck the deuce on company time to me it’s fiscally irresponsible do it anywhere else. If I do it at home not only I’m I not getting paid to shit those toilet paper squares add up so I’m actually losing money. Bonus tip: if you work a lot of overtime when you drop the deuce you’re getting time and a half for the win.” – From “4 Great ways to save money”

“If your friend asked who I was to you what would you say?”
“In a nutshell, if you’re not my girl, you’re a chick I chill with; end of story. What the fuck should I say? You are the sunshine of my life? You complete me? I don’t know what ya’ll expect on that one, but females love to put a title on shit; just can’t let shit be.” – From “Questions Women Ask That I Hate”

These might be the easiest blog I ever wrote
Jean DeGrate has spoken again kinda I guess

I’m Guilty… I’ve hit a Few “Maybe Babies”

First of all, if you aren’t an avid reader, you should (1) stop loafing and subscribe, and (2) refer to category #4 of my “She’s Fine but Only in Her Mind” blog so you’re up on what exactly a “Maybe Baby” is.

Now before we get started, let me put it out there that I’ve never hit a flat-out busted bitch. (Well… at least she wasn’t busted at the time.) We all know that “the fall off” is an incurable illness; so what was fine yesterday isn’t guaranteed to be fine tomorrow. My shame comes for hitting these 4’s, 5’s, and shaky 6’s (as in she’s only a 6 on major occasions like weddings, proms, birthdays, etc).

Somehow, (and more often than I’d like to admit) I find myself crawling out of some pussy that I soon after regret. I immediately go to the bathroom, clean myself up, and then stare in the mirror for at least 5 to 10 minutes trying to figure out how the fuck I got to that point anyway. I guess this is how alcoholics feel when they fall off the wagon because I damn sure beat myself up over the entire ordeal soon after planning my exit (or hers). Normally, after the deed is done, I hit them with the meanest Dipset, partially out shame and partially because well… she was busted.

Liquor, boredom, club lights, subpar loose women, and overall just not having shit else better to do has been like kryptonite to my penis. Not that any of those reasons are valid excuses for dicking down Gorilla-looking bitches, but mediocre women pop up like slut magic when I’m at my weakest moments. Often chicks that are forced to sit in the non-smoker section (the “Must Haves” and the “Maybe Babies”) tend to be on-demand like Comcast digital cable. Whether I’m playing wingman or accepting random friend requests on FaceBook or allowing one of my homies to play matchmaker, 9 out of 10 times the situation ends with my dick inside a peculiar-looking chick. You know… the type you will have to hang your head low while copping to hitting that, talking about, “Yeah I did that, but she was so phat on FaceBook, and by the time she got to the house, I was already 4 shots into the 5th of 1800”. I got excuses for days for why I hit the unhittable; shit… sometimes I even convince myself.

I’m 8 months clean, but you know the saying “an idol mind is the devil’s playground.” Well, in my case, it’s a fluke chick’s window of opportunity. It’s 2011, so I’m going to stay focused, looking forward to my one year anniversary. Then after that, who knows… I might just fuck a busted bitch for charity. Well not really so mediocre women please don’t try your hand.

It should really some sort of busted bitch anonymous support group
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I Can’t Drink That Shit. Yup, I'm a Liquor Snob.

I remember the days when I would drink just about anything with alcohol content. You could have dropped a shot of Listerine in a cup of tea called it hot totty, and I would have been on it. I used to run to the liquor store to get the local wino to cop me all types of bullshit like MD 20/20, E&J, and Paul Mason (a half gallon of Paul Mason was like 17 bucks; you can’t beat that). I used to get ripped every Friday, and wake up considering suicide every Saturday. It seemed like I had cousin Earl on speed dial because before the sun came back up again, I was sure to give him a call or two and sometimes three.

I got off my cheap nigga shit and stopped drinking that gut-rot, hangover-making liquor. I upgraded to drinking the shit rappers kept talking about. If it was in a video, an ad in XXL, or plugged into Jay-Z’s latest verse, I was going to make my way to the liquor store to cop a bottle or two. I mean they are rappers and they are rich… why wouldn’t they drink the best then talk about it? Yeah, the emergence of Nuvo on the Hip Hop scene and my first (and last) glass of Christal champagne changed that entire outlook.

Around 2006, I started coming into actually appreciating the taste of alcohol. I was no longer exclusively chasing a buzz. I put down the Absolut’s, Remy Martin’s, Grand Crue’s, and flavored malt liquors (cheers to you 4 Loko drinkers of the world *holds glass of “Rose’ Moet” in the air*). I looked pass labels and price, and started looking for taste, smoothness, and mix-ability. I also started chopping it up with bartenders, getting their take on alcohol, before I walked into the liquor store to drop my hard-earned cash on it.

Here I am 5 years later, and I’m drinking the best (at least in my opinion… I’m Jean DeGrate so really my opinion is the only one that matters). I’ve pushed aside the Patron’s of the world to drink the 1800’s and Don Julio’s. I’ve stocked my bar with Ketel One, XO cognacs, and Corzo tequila’s… not because Diddy had the bottle of it in a video. (Even though I got 3 half gallons of CIroc on my kitchen counter, unopened. Why? Cause I don’t like the shit, BUT the bottle adds to the ambiance of my bar, and bitches love Ciroc. But, if I’m drinking flavored vodka, Grey Goose Citron is what’s in my cup.) So I challenge you all to go against the grain, search out the best liquors for you (even if some of you dudes just end up drinking Moscato as your drink of choice)… Ok that’s gay, but what I’m saying is… DO YOU!

Tonight, I’m drinking Remy XO straight. What about you?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

More Unfortunate Truths

Yep, I’m back to rain on your parade once more. So without further delay, here are a few more unfortunate truths...

You’re not attractive.
Most people are ugly. If don’t believe me… look around your office or school or neighborhood, do a head count of the truly attractive people around, see how many people go uncounted (to avoid all bias, don’t include your friends… but frankly 87.2% of them motherfuckers are ugly too). Sure, we all have some sort of redeeming quality. Naaaahhhh I’m lying. Just as there are Must Have and Maybe women, naturally there are their male counterparts. There’s a lot of folks running around here looking beat in the face and are under the impression that it’s not so. Chances are you’re ugly too and that brings me to…

You’re not a model.
I know Ray-Ray got a banging ass Cannon digital camera for Christmas so he’s upgraded from making RIP shirts to photo shoots. In turn, you went from doing lap dances at the boom-boom room and taking jazzy camera phone pictures in your bathroom to becoming a full out internet model (which is code for I got half naked pics on Twitter and FaceBook). The truth is: you’d probably be more successful inventing a jellybean powered cell phone than actually making it as a real model. The pictures are cool, especially on Tittie Tuesday and Thong Thursday. I like logging onto Twitter to see Photoshopped ass and titties all over my timeline, but bitch pleaseeeeee (and I rarely beg) don’t quit your day job.

“NO You CAN’T” (contrary to what Barack says)
Willpower is something most people lack when it comes to reaching the personal goals they’ve set for themselves. Profiting on your unreachable expectations is big business. Ask the Nicorette people, the Phillip-Morris Corporation, McDonald’s, and Bally’s. You can’t manage to stick to your New Year’s resolutions. It’s ok; nobody really expected you to. Go ahead… just quit. Eat a donut, smoke a cigarette, save the money you wasted on that silly ass gym membership. Being healthy and responsible is played out anyway.

At least one of these truths you can make a lie.
Jean DeGrate has spoken.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

She Fine but Only in Her Mind

There’s a chick in my office who thinks she looks like just Amber Rose, and she will say it to your face. Funny thing is… she would if Amber was 15 years older, unattractive in the face, skinny and built like a number 2 pencil, had poorly aging skin, and dressed like she ran through the closet and put on everything she touched. Yeah, the woman in question is uber light, and yes, her hair is cut low and bleached blonde. But, that doesn’t make her Amber Rose just like an iced-out grill, skinny jeans, and facial tattoos won’t make me Lil’ Wayne.

I said all that to say… some women are extremely delusional when it comes down to their own appearances. I blame this on Adobe Photoshop, camera phones, Black Planet, FaceBook, MySpace, Twitpics, dudes fucking subpar chicks (ok, I can take a little blame here, but that’s another blog), and most unattractive people being able to fight well. (Fact: Most ugly motherfuckers can throw those hands. Just think about it; who would you break bad with first: a Rick Fox look-a-like or an Omar from “The Wire” looking-ass-nigga? My money is on Omar.)

I put chicks in 5 categories (Side note: please don’t ask me to rate you; you might fuck around and get your feelings hurt)…

(1) Fine: Pretty much self-explanatory, but I’ll still elaborate. Flip to the “Eye Candy” section of double XXL. This female normally hits all the checkpoints to make the fine criteria: cute face, great body, nice hair, good skin, etc… Pretty much a girl that looks good enough to make a nigga run across 4 lanes of traffic during rush hour to try to holler.

(2) Nice: This is the chick that’s not hitting all the fine checkpoints. She’s not exactly “Eye Candy” material, but more than good looking enough to be seen in public without any backlash or somebody thinking her male suitor has low self-esteem.

(3) At least (Alise): This is the girl you look at and say well, “At least she’s cute.” or “At least she got a phat ass (or just any feature that might balance out her imperfections).”

(4) Maybe (Maybe Baby): These are the chicks whose winning feature or features can’t quite be pointed out they aren’t quite yet hideous, but they aren’t easy on the eyes either. When you look at them with a man on their arm, you say, “Maybe they’re just friends,” or “Maybe she just had a kid,” or “Maybe got some bomb head” or “Maybe he just like big girls”. You’ll find yourself just reaching for reasons why.

(5) And… finally the Must Have (Busted Baby): This chick is clearly busted… meaning no highlights, just all rough terrain. This is the type of chick that tells you she has 2 kids, and you say, “How?” You’ll try to think of a smooth way to get her to show you a picture of her babies’ father(s). This is the “She must have some bomb credit,” or “She must have taken care of this nigga when he was in jail,” or “She must have some serious dirt on him” type-of chick. Somehow… someway… she must have something that you can’t just see from the outside looking in. Even talking to this chick over the phone is a no go.

On the real, 90% of the time, the Must Haves and the Maybes are the ones with super duper confidence, and these delusional bitches are all around us. It’s the chick with the two liter body standing in front of you at CVS talking on her cell (but really talking for the world to hear) saying, “That nigga will never get a girl on my level again,” and even though you’re thinking, “Yeah he can only go up from there,” you can hear the conviction in her voice. This busted bitch is dead fucking serious. There’s a lot of nickels running around here claiming to be dimes with egos that make Kanye West seem humble.

I think I’m going to start a busted bitch task force.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Why Women Don’t Rule the World

I believe women could rule the world, but they are standing in their own way solely because they don’t know what they want (but I rarely say that shit out loud). They have three key factors in their favor: 1) they mature faster. 2) They control the reproductive process; even a test tube baby needs a woman. And, 3) Chances are it’s a woman raising and or teaching your kids. Now on to my reasons why women don’t rule the world…

1. Not even women know what women want.

The providers and inventors of female products and interest are mainly men. Shit, some dude named Earle Haas invented the tampon. The last thing a woman has invented for womankind that I can think of was the relaxer (Madam CJ Walker). The designers women are raving about normally have dudes running the show, from your Jimmy Choo to your Christian Louboutin. There aren’t many women lining up for that spring line of Baby Phat or Dereon. Even the movies and TV shows ya’ll watch are created by men, i.e. Sex in the City, created by Darren Star, and almost any chick flick involving a woman of color in the last 5 years probably had to go through Tyler Perry (Precious, For Colored Girls, Why Did I Get Married Too?, etc…).

2. Women don’t stick together.

I saw Waiting to Exhale, Steal Magnolias, Sex in the City, and even The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and all those movies were full of shit. Women don’t roll that tight. Friendships between women go up and down like the stock market during the recession; they will be BFFs on Friday then down-talk each other on Sunday like they ain’t shit to each other. I know firsthand; I’m normally the guy they are slanging the dirt to. Being that female friendships are more fragile than a sandcastle in a thunderstorm, it’s impossible for women to bond together and rise up.

3. Women are too fucking indecisive.

Women change their minds at the drop of the dime. If you toss a dime up in the air right now before hits the ground, chances are the woman standing closest to you has changed her mind like 3 times. I talk to women all the time, and what they want out of their hair, men, bodies, and just about everything in-between constantly changes. Women go from long hair to short hair and then to a weave. I’ve seen some women set a list of things they want in a man then go all the way against the grain dating a plethora of ain’t shit niggas while overlooking the good guys. Just in my office alone, this month only, I will see women change from gym rats into couch potatoes and Popeye’s number 1 customers into vegans. They change diet and exercise habits just to get a certain look then give it all up in the same breath.

4. Women are fucking crazy.

No explanation needed. Women being crazy is common knowledge.

The odds of women clearing up these issues in the next 3 millions years are highly unlikely.

Jean DeGrate has spoken.