Friday, July 17, 2009

Man Law Violation: The Steve McNair incident

Real talk chances are if you happen to be black and in the NFL or NBA you’re going to get it popping on the road. If you’re a superstar it’s more of a guarantee unless he’s married to Jackie Christie (she ain’t going for none of that dumb shit).

Ok my man Air McNair did everything wrong all so wrong...

He sold Sahei Kazemi the “I’m getting a divorced” bit. You know who has to sell the “I’m getting a divorced” bit or the “Sliding off the wedding band” bit? You guessed broke average looking dudes. If you got a regular 9 to 5, drive a car that cost less than 30K brand new and you’re looking for more than the drunken one nightstand; you will have to resort to those tactics. He was a millionaire/former pro-bowler he should be able to pull a model chick while holding his wife’s purse standing outside of the ladies bathroom let alone a waitress at Dave and Buster’s.

He took this chick parasailing. I don’t know how many people have ever been parasailing or even know what it is; so here’s a definition... They strap a specially designed parachute to the back of a speed boat. When boat accelerates the para sailors takes flight. People parasail as couples in all these tropical paradises; places like Aruba, the Virgin Islands and Hawaii. Parasailing might be the most romantic shit you could possibly do on a get away. Just imagine you’re suspended 30 40 feet in air whisking thru tropical air looking into clear blue ocean water with exotic fish and dolphins swimming beneath you and all the while the object of your affection is right there next to you. If you take a sideline chick parasailing she is going to think she is the one no way around it. Shit if I’m floating thru the air with dolphins at my feet I might think I’m in love.

Jet setting
It’s only one type of dude that’s allowed to take his sideline chick on a plane and that’s the one with the female assistant/secretary that he happens to be cracking. Those aren’t even vacations it’s business. I mean who’s going to take that DICtation when he’s out of town at those important conferences? These other guys that aren’t fucking the help can’t even take a sideliner to the Air and Space museum. If you got her out in Vegas shooting craps on your dime and sun bathing on sandy beaches she can’t help but to feel special.

Meeting the parents
You don’t meet the parents; you can’t be kicking it with the family. “Hey Mr. Kazemi yeah I’m the married Ex-NFL star fucking your daughter but let me distracted you with this Escalade I just co-signed for that she can’t pay for on her Dave and Buster’s waitress salary. She said I was leaving my wife yeah that’s the plan I’m dying to folk over half my shit, tear my family apart and fight for custody of my kids.” Not meeting the parents should be a no brainer. “Oh the family is coming to town this weekend damn sorry I’m going to miss them I got a big fishing trip planned with the boys”

Don’t bring the sideliner to the crib
McNair would be breathing right now if this woman didn’t know where he rested his head. Instead he found his sideliner sitting on his door step at 2 in the morning and thought it was a good idea to invite her in. Another no brainer let me find my girlfriend sitting on my door step at 2am she’s not getting in my house (nor a jumper or an ex or even a good female homie). I’m not even going to get out of the car I’ll roll the window down some and ask her questions from there while the car is still in gear. When I’m done talking I’m pulling off and I’ll go home when the sun comes up and people are around. Having a female waiting for you to come home and not letting her in isn’t even man law it’s just common sense. Ask any chick what she would do if she came home from the club to find her dude sitting on her door step. I’m no psychic but I’m guessing it would involve a call to the police.

“Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a women scorned” - William Congreve

Most man law violations go unpunished and normally the harshest penalty is losing a girl, losing a friend, and/or losing the windows on your car. Steve lost his life, his wife lost her husband and his kids lost their dad. He played house with a teenager that never had shit and treated her like a queen; the idea of it all slipping away was way too much for her young mind to handle. I expect teens to make rash impulsive decisions (in this case deadly) but from a grown man hip to the game I expected better.

Who would have ever thought you’d take an L on the sideline?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Man Law - Jump Off Protocol Sub Division: The Sideline Chick

The problem is; you dudes treat the one that you lovin with the same respect that you treat the one that you humpin” - Jay-Z

By definition the sideline chick is the chick that gets minimal playing time. She is the one you call when your girl is out of town or you got some away from home free time you might give her a little bit of time. You don’t have to sell her no dreams; trust if she will knowingly give you the ass while you’re bunned up/married or whatever the situation maybe she will cool with riding that pine waiting for slight playing time.

She’s the text message girl
It is no real reason to hold a phone conversation with a sideline chick once she is in her sideline position everything you have to say to her should be able to be covered in 5 texts or less i.e.

You - (1) Where you at? I’m trying to see you
Her - In the house
You - (2) Busy?
Her - No
You - (3) I’m on my way
Her - Bring some goose
You - (4) Bet

She’s the carry out dinner girl
If you think it’s cool to be all out and about with her you’re dead wrong. You can’t be all up in Ruby Tuesday’s/Outback/Legal Seafood/McDonald’s with this woman. Every food mission has to be drive thru carry out style, ya’ll can only sit down and eat in 3 places...
The car (behind dark tint)
Her house
And the hotel room

She’s the short term chick
It’s a very very very very small amount of women willing to play second string for a long period of time; either they’ll start making hints towards promotion, flip out and turn psycho or say cut her loses and roll. Now you as the man, with something at home that you aren’t willing to leave, needs to be the one to decide when to end it before she has a change of heart. In my personal opinion a sideline chick should last no longer than a season i.e. your sideliner from May shouldn’t know you in August.

She’s not your girl so don’t treat her like your girl
This may very well be the must important rule. If you treat a sideliner like the main attraction she will begin to act accordingly. You taking her out, going on trips, and buying her gifts you’re asking for trouble. You’re creating attachment and moving the relationship in realm you can no longer fully control.

No pictures
It’s 3 things you don’t take pictures with guns drugs and sideline chicks. They are all illegal and will come back to haunt you. How you going to explain to your wife the girl sitting in your lap smiling in this Polaroid that just showed up in your mailbox is just a friend?

JD isn’t a fan of cheating but I’m less of a fan of stupidity. If you can’t be true to the one you love at least be true the game.

Don’t treat your hoe like your housewife
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Men and Women: The Shit Done Changed (Version 2.0)

Once upon a time long long ago it was common practice for a man to wine and dine a female during courtship. A man would meet a lady he was interested in and spending money on her was the only way he could prove he could provide for her. Why is that you ask? Because women didn’t have jobs or at least real jobs (nobody is retiring from the make-up counter at Macy’s or selling Avon). When it was time to get engaged the man would go to her father to ask for her hand in marriage and he would then again have to prove he could provide a suitable lifestyle for his daughter. If the father agreed to allow this man to marry his daughter he would pay for the wedding because that young man was taking a bill off of his hands. He no longer had to take care of his daughter so the least he could is foot the bill for the wedding. That was the primary practice up until the late 50’s early 60’s; shit was real story book like.

When marriage kicked off a man could expect his breakfast to be cooked and on the table when he woke up in the morning and dinner in the same place when he came home from work. Everyday he came home to a clean house with washed and ironed clothes; house smelling like lemon Pledge and shit. Outside of washing the car, throwing out the trash, mowing the lawn and occasionally changing a light bulb home life was sweet. During the work week he would do what he had to do keep clothes on their back, the lights on and the mortgage/rent paid. Now if the wife wanted a night on the town yeah he’d pay that because he was the only one making real money. She wanted to pick a few things up from the mall or maybe catch up with some of the girls and hit a bar she had to reach into his wallet to get that accomplished because he was the bread winner.

Now let’s fast forward to today

When all these independent women or at least a shit load you claiming to be (that’s still under investigation) are handling their own and got their own but keep reaching out for more. I personally love women and don’t have the slightest problem with going out getting a few drinks, maybe a meal and finishing it off with a flick and I’ll say “baby I got this please don’t reach for your wallet” I wouldn’t even allow her to do such a thing. If we out enjoying each other company and I’m dropping some cash while we out painting the town red it’s all good and no other stand up man should have any issues with this. Later on down the line women start sentences that begin with “You should buy me”, “I want that” or “I need this” yeah I get chills down my spine when I even think of it. Does that mean because you open legs I should open my wallet? Does that mean because we spent some time together I should spend some cash on you? I’m confused here; that doesn’t sound like a fair exchange.

Let’s try something different
You need your nails done; hey I need my laundry done. When you come to pick up the money for them nails you can pick up these clothes toppling out of my hamper. You need your hair done; I need dinner cooked for me a couple times this week and I’m thinking steak and homemade mash potatoes for starters. You need clothes, purses, money to party and such; how about I give you a key to my spot and you wash my dishes, sweep and mop my floors, fold my clothes, clean my bathroom and do my grocery shopping for a while (I’m running low on paper towels and I left the Sunday paper sitting on the kitchen counter please use those coupons). If you want me to be your Suga Daddy I want you to be my maid.

It’s nothing wrong with doing something nice for the woman in your life every now and then and I’m not talking about Ms New Booty I’m talking about your girl/wife (don’t be an Air McNair). But wasn’t your girl getting her hair and nails done before you so how did that become your responsibility? Wasn’t she fully dressed with a closet full of clothes before you came around? I can see if she was off that Eddie Murphy butt-naked with bone in her nose riding a zebra rocking an afro, then you came along got her a perm and some gear yeah then it’s only right that she look to you for more.

Let’s put the shoe on the other foot since we both work

Let me ask for money to get my hair done. I got locs and like to keep them looking good and they hitting for 70 at the shop.

Let me ask for money to get my nails done. Shit a manicure every now and then can help keep my hands soft when I put them on you baby. You don’t want me rubbing your back with no hard rough hands do you?

Jolly and Fatz trying to hit the club tonight and they want me to go; let me get a few bucks so I can party too. Goose and cranberry 12 at the bar I'm going to need at least 3 of those and it 20 to get in.

Baby it’s a pair of Evisu’s I been eyeing for some time now and I was wondering could you get that for me. You want me to look good right?

You know the answers to these questions? “Hell no nigga you must be high” followed up by some laughter. You’d be hard press to find a chick to give a grown man the option to do a load of laundry to get some club money.

What’s the reasoning behind this?

It’s a combination of two things... A. It’s a gang of dudes that lack enough character and charm (swag) to win the affections of the females they desire without breaking the bank and B. Folks been selling them the dream all their life that it’s the man’s place just to pay for shit. So now it’s like when a dude gets a shot of ass it’s like he owe something for it. I guess nobody came and said when Affirmative Action started and the Equal Pay Act of 1963 kicked in some of the cash dudes were tossing around might slow up some. What I really want to know is when does this independence shit kick in and if ya’ll so independent why your hands always out? Shit girl you grown go head and get your own.

JD is going to stay single I don’t need no more bills
Jean DeGrate has spoken