Thursday, September 27, 2012

The Top 5 Reasons Why It's Better to Be a Single Dad over a Single Mom

Yesterday I was out with my daughter to get her a fall jacket and winter coat. I'm not one of those parents that waits for Jack Frost to start tapping on my windowpane while I'm trying to push my seed outside in a jean jacket and scarf. Nah B, Mother Nature won't catch me slipping. So this time, just like any other time, I'm out in public with my Madi women are all in my face which brings me to reason number 1...

Women love single fathers
"Aww look at her taking little man to get his hair cut. She's such a great mom. I should try to get at her." - No man EVER. Seeing a woman toting around a kid is about as sexually appealing as Discovery Channels 'Shark Week' (and if you find Shark Week sexy you may need to check on your mental health). That little boy you're walking with is luggage to most men looking on. When I'm walking thru the mall with my daughter ever 3rd woman is literally going to stop and say "Hey cutie" to Madison while giving me the once over. That soft pitch box action is just waiting for me to say hello. The girl from Last Stop gave me two receipts one for my purchase and the other with her number on it. She likes me because I bought my daughter a jacket, yeah me.

2. Dead beat dads still be winning
I know dead beat dads with live in girlfriends that have never seen their kids. How is that possible? These silly ass women are given these lames the benefit of the doubt, then turn around and be in their feelings when she gets knocked up and he gets low on her. How is it possible to be with a man and you haven't even seen a picture of Lil Ray Ray on his FaceBook page? I don't know but, these niggas be acting up and ya'll hoes be letting them.

3. Dead beat mothers reap no such benefits
If a woman isn't taking care of her kids she's the scum of the earth. You don't have to worry about her getting pregnant once a dude comes past the house and sees that day old dried up snot of Junior's face. He might hit it still but trust he won't be laying in that raw under any circumstances. "You got your tubes tied and you had your ovaries removed and you got tested for every STD known to man just this morning? I still rather not take any chances, you know anything can happen and you can't be too safe. So where is the nearest 7-11 at again?"

4. Part time daddy
I don't know any fulltime dads that aren't in a relationship with the mother of the child. I know they exist; they just don't exist in abundance. So if you're a single dad out here you almost definitely have some non-kid occupied free time. Almost every single mother I know is on the job 90% of the time. They're out here bribing other single mother homies to watch the kids so she can get a date night in and shit. "If you watch Kennedy and James Jr. tonight I promise I'll take Markell all weekend and even take him to Chuck E Cheese."

5. We get undue credit for doing the right thing
Walking thru the grocery store people stop and thank me for being a father to my child. People who have never even seen me interact with my Madison naturally assume I'm a great dad. How did they come to this conclusion? Fuck if I know, but I bask in the praise all the same.

Single dads be winning
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, September 24, 2012

CWD - Common Woman's Disease

Do you want your man to tell you the WHOLE truth and do you think you're really ready for it?

Do you think you can change your mate to better suit you?

Do ask your girlfriends what do about your man?

If you've answered yes to any of these questions you may be suffering from CWD and CWD is the leading cause of female loneliness.

The truth is a very powerful thing and most people think they want it not knowing what really to expect. A female will say baby I always want you to be honest with me and follow it up with a question that has an answer to make her face look like she just bit into a lemon covered in vinegar.

Example A - You might ask your man what he did last night and the truth will be...

"I went to the strip club with Mike and the crew, got stupid drunk, and spent about 700 on lap dances from one of the finest bitches I ever seen I my life. Nigga listen... I'd seriously drink that bitch bath water. Shit all this week I'm going to have to bring my lunch to work and I got to cancel date night because I've fucked the money up; but I'll gladly do it again. To top it off when I come over tonight I'll be thinking about her when I'm laying you up in you."

Now what you really want is that watered down truth that goes like this...

"I went out with Mike and them; I must have drunk way too much because I was spending money like a fool."

Example B - You might ask your man what attracted him to you and the truth will be...

"Real talk I really wanted your girlfriend, she is phatter than a muthafucka, but when I walked on the group you smiled and said "hello". Why wouldn't I go with the sure thing? You were cute enough and your titties were out and shit so fuck it, I went with you. I'm glad you spoke up now though if that counts for anything. By the way if your girlfriend is one of those "try to fuck your man behind your back' type of bitches you need to keep her the fuck away from me."

Now what you really want is that watered down truth that goes like this...

"I thought you were cute then you spoke and I felt a vibe from there."

The truth can be that cold and you don't really want that, but CWD will lead you to believe that you do. How you going act when the truth gets dropped on you? You going to break-up with him now? Maybe hold an attitude over his head because your homie Stacy ass phatter than yours? Some things are better left unsaid especially if they aren't deal breakers but will only result in a hurt feeling or two.

Women often get the feeling that they can change a man to better suit their needs and 90% of the time they are wrong as hell, but CWD will tell her that she can do it. In her course to make him the man she wants him to be she will normally drive him to cheat, away, or just crazy and sometimes all three. There are only two things that are guaranteed to change a man a. a near death experience and b. time. Most of you don't even know what you are doing. You'll say things like "if I could just get him to stop going out so much" or "I'm going to get him to take me out more" and subconsciously you'll begin making nagging demands or catching attitudes to make him do as you wish. Is the shit he doing making you unhappy to the point you don't want to deal with him? If so tell him straight out he might make a change. If it's not a deal breaker go find some chill.

Listening to your girlfriends will fuck a relationship up. No... wait... I'm wrong let me take that back... listening to your girlfriends then letting CWD hype you up into doing some dumb shit will fuck up a relationship. I've seen some chicks tell another chick to do some shit they would never do if the shoe was on the other foot. "Girl, if I was you I wouldn't be going for any of that shit, he couldn't be my man doing all that." That's the dumb shit that will have you popping up at a dude job looking for "work boo's" and texting him from strange numbers with made up names in the middle of the night just to see how he's going to act. They can't help you because they aren't you, keeping them out of your business will keep you in business.

There is no cure for CWD but you can fight these symptoms you just have to stay on top of this type of behavior.

When you see CWD bearing its ugly head push it back down.

If you're lonely, think men ain't shit, or never had a relationship to last longer than 2 years; baby go see a doctor you just might be sick.

Stay Healthy
Jean DeGrate has spoken

I Know What a Good Man Is Now

Thanks to social media, black women with unrealistically high standards, and the two Tyler Perry movies I've seen I know exactly what a good/real man is and let me tell you he is one hell of a guy. In "Why Did I Get Married" the policeman aka a real man took in an overweight disgruntle married woman gave her a job and then they fell in love. A good man is the kind of guy that will carry his woman or give her his shoes because the stupid high heels she decided to wear on this long walk are killing her feet. A good man is a super hero multiplied by a simp then multiplied by Barack Obama. Seriously it's in the bible.

A good man will claim another woman's kids as his own.
That's right you date a woman with kids so it's only right to adopt those kids. That's what real men do. You got to buy those little niglets presents on Christmas, pick them up from after-care, and attend PTA's meets.

A good man is a provider
If he's not paying most of the bills he's paying all the damn bills. It's the manly thing to do. In this day and age men are women are equals unless money or manual labor is involved then bro it's all on you.

A good man is a handy man
He can fix a cracked iPhone screen with saran wrap and crazy glue. He can fix a flat tire faster than those pit stop guys in NASCAR and puts together shit from IKEA without and left over pieces in less than 20 minutes.

He's a great example of a human being
Once you get pass all those super human qualities he just a fucking great guy. He's understanding, street smart, caring, attentive, honest, brave and studious. He gives blood and does volunteer work at the same damn time. Kids, parents, and pets all love him.

So of course with a guy being this fucking awesome he's deserving of a good woman right? But every example of a good woman is a chick that cooks, cleans and owns a vagina. That really seems to be the basic guidelines of a good woman. Why would this awesome dude want to settle for just that? Can anybody give me a better depiction for me and my readers?

No serious question though what is a good woman?
Jean DeGrate needs to know

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Why You Can't Be Friends with Benefits

Fact: most men will eagerly and regularly have sexual relations with a woman he has absolutely ZERO interest in being in a committed relationship with.

Fact: most women will rarely have sex with a man that she couldn't see the possibility of a relationship with (unless she's a hoe of course and not a "friendly vagina" brand of hoe but a Tittie Tuesday on Twitter bust it open on World Star hoe).

With those two factors in mind, men and women can't be on a level playing field. But fuck it let's just pretend you two got pass that and came to some sort of logically agreement where both parties (and by both parties I mean the woman and her emotions) fully understood this was a situation of convenience between two homies.

You're not really down to play second fiddle
Ideally a friend with benefits situation is a placeholder for the possibility of real love. How are you going to feel knowing the person you're spooning with is only here until something better comes along? What is he looking for that you don't have? Is the next person better than you? Are you only good for sex?  The answer to these questions will always be "No, it's not like that, I just don't want to mess up the friendship" (damage already done though) and after a while that answer is not going to cut it. You don't really want to do that to yourself. You're going to fuck up your self-esteem.

It's going to get awkward
The more you fuck the more attachments you build. The lady heart strings are firmly attached to the vagina in 991 of 1000 women (its in books and shit). Once you sleep together 10 times you're only one long trip to the kitchen away from checking his text messages while he's gone. How strange is it going to be when your girlfriend, that's just his speed, asks about him? You going to cock block the homie? You don't want to see her happily ever after with him even thought that's not your HIM. What you going to do when you're the only one in love?

He just might try to have his cake and eat it too
He has on demand no strings attached pussy and nobody is just walking away from that. Even when another girl comes into the picture and shows potential he won't be in a rush to end things with his homie jumpoff situation. You'll go from placeholder to plan B and you won't get hip until he sends you to voicemail 4 times in a row on a Wednesday night because he's laid up with Ms New Booty. Now you're going to sit there looking stupid typing up bitter text messages and letting them sit in the draft folder. Yeah, you thought you two were better than that but you can't spazz out either because ya'll are just friends with benefits. Right?

Those benefits will make you way more than just friends
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, September 17, 2012

Your Life is Easy

People love to complain about their woes and how hard life is. Nigga please, I used to think my life was hard until I turned on the fucking news. I'm not talking about "Timmy that got shot in a drive by in East Oakland" news. Nah, fuck that shit people get shot everyday, I mean unless an unarmed black man gets shot by a white man because that's big news (somehow Trayvon Martin holding a bag of Skittles and a can of iced tea trumps the entire City of Chicago). I'm talking world news with the India power outage that lasted 20 hours and affected 300 million people. My power was out for 5 days I stayed in a hotel on the other side of town with cable TV, pillow top mattresses, free wifi and a free breakfast buffet every morning. I though I was in hell; my fish died and why should I have to catch an elevator to get a plate full of free bacon. It was fucking torture but somewhere in Africa little boy has never had electricity and has to walk 3 miles to stream for a bucket of water only to carry it on his head back home before school.

We live in a country where homeless people have vices, cell phones and preferences (true story a homeless lady once told me she doesn't eat pork). The government picks up the tab on child care and medical needs for the less fortunate. Fuck you can get famous here for just acting like an idiot on reality TV or saying funny shit on the internet.

Women are always complaining about how difficult their lives are and how horrible men are but no men ever say "shut the fuck up" because they want to fuck them. Nobody is calling you on your shit. Motherhood is hard I get it, I feel you kind of after all I am I dad. But here's the catch that puts all back on you... you gave birth to that so you're responsible for that. If you let a person climb out of your vagina you have to take care of it that's been the rule since the dawn of time. It's a thankless job? Fuck you. You're not supposed to get thanked for cleaning up your own mess. That's why mother's day is always on a Sunday because nobody is going to give you a day off for some shit you willingly got into. Here a perk to being a woman... men are always trying to feed you (unless your hideous in that case blame your parents). Strange woman don't walk up to me in the street trying to take me out to feed and I'm good looking even when women do try to go out with me the meal is still on me.

Stop pulling the fucking race card shit on everything please. We got a black president and being that black people only make up 16.3% of the US even if every black that was "eligible" to vote voted twice it still wouldn't be enough for us to single handedly put a black man in office. I hate the cops, but if the police pulled you over maybe you looked like you were up to some shit or did something wrong. With statistics like 1 in 3 black men going to jail and making up 40% of the prison population it's easy to assume you might be up to some shit. In these cases racially profiling and playing the odds go hand and hand. You haven't been sprayed by a fireman's hose or attacked by a policeman's dog just for standing up for your rights. You haven't picked cotton and had to call some white man master so go find some chill.

Despite the lack of flying cars and microwaves that heat food evenly, current technology is the shit, but you people are never happy. The phone that's currently sitting in my pocket not only makes wireless calls, but it's a fucking computer. Niggas landed on the moon in a spaceship powered by a jazzy calculator and you fucking ingrates go into full melt down mode when you can't change your avi on fucking Twitter. If your iPhone/Android phone doesn't do all you need it to do shut the fuck and build a better one.

We got it sweet for real
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, September 14, 2012

Just Random Volume Something or the Other

Yeah, its not really enough to put a blog on any of these topics so I give you this just random shit.

Work for this love?
I don't chase women; I got a bum knee from trying to wrestling move on a classmate in the 4th grade (long story). Women shouldn't chase men either because I strongly disagree with running in high heels. Honestly though why should anybody that doesn't really know you do any over the top shit to win your affections? All that extra work put in to win you over is fake anyway because that's clearly not how they would normally act. So when you're asking somebody to go over top you're asking them to be somebody else. What you going do when the real person shows up? Or even worst how about when all the work is done and they realized they don't even fucking like you? Let's take it back to the way shit to way it used to be; I like you and you like me so let's see what it do. Fuck all that jumping through hoops shit.

Anti-US riots?
You don't fuck with the US? I feel you. It's a few countries I'm not fond of myself (mainly the countries that crank out the cab drivers that refuse to stop for black people). Do you really think setting a KFC on fire is hurting the US economy? Do you think Colonel Sanders is rolling over in his grave because you destroyed a store that corporation has insured? If you didn't know the answer is "fuck no". What you have accomplished is putting some of your fellow countryman of a job though. Congratulations your hate for somebody else is fucking up your own economy and putting your neighbors out of work.

Owning high-end shit
I keep seeing this picture floating around the net with two guys one is wearing $400 jeans and $500 shoes and the other guy wearing $12 shoes but he's worth a billion. Contrary to popular belief most people wearing $12 are poor, like having sleep for dinner poor. It's almost certain that whatever you're buy is making somebody else richer high-end or low-end and nobody every got rich by simply avoiding buying high-end shit. "I mean I could have been a millionaire but the last 6 pairs of Jordans I bought were holding me back" - Nobody EVER. Spend your money how you please whether is be $12 shoes or $1200 shoes just don't go broke doing it.

Kid woes
Nigga, fuck you and your kid problems. Your baby mother ain't shit; she's in the club every night and always coming after your money. You shouldn't have hit the bitch raw. Your fucking bad. Your baby father doesn't take care of his kid, he doesn't pay child support or none of the shit he suppose to do. Welp, you should have swallowed. Kids are costly, they don't always act right and the person that help you make them doesn't always play their part; this should be breaking news to nobody. You willing made those motherfuckers shut the fuck and handle the problems you made for yourself.

Yeah I'm about done
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

How It Would Go If I Paid All the Bills

Last week on Black Twitter (since Black Twitter, which is primarily made up of poor people, is always debating about some money shit) folks were all in an uproar about men paying all the bills or at least a lion's share of the bills. Most of these claims were made by women who look like they weren't used to having shit anyway (ole' Sophie from The Color Purple looking ass bitches but out of the goodness of my heart I allowed them to cook). Anyway it got me to thinking what would I require in return to completely finance a household that I wasn't the only member of.

Off top... providing pussy, occasionally pushing a mop, sweeping a floor and making a meal does NOT make you a household asset. Contrary to popular belief pussy (yes, even your pussy) isn't like an oasis in the middle of a desert; truth be told the market is over saturated with easy access vagina and the stock value has nose-dived. I've lived for years (and by years I mean all my life) without a maid or personal chef and I'm just fine but my cable went out once in a snow storm and I almost lost my mind. I can clean and cook for myself but I can't entertain myself like the good people at Comcast can. Needless to say I will choose my TV over a maid/chef.

No lip
There will be no lip. I don't want to hear your fucking mouth about a muthafucking thing. TV too loud and you're trying to sleep. Why the fuck would I care I'm the only one paying bills around here. If you're taking a shower and I come in the bathroom chuck the meanest deuce, flush the toilet then leave it would be in your best interest to hold your breathe and wait until the warm cools back down again. If I'm sitting on the couch Indian style ass naked on a Sunday morning watching porn with the volume all the way up if you're going to say something you better be checking to see it I need anything. "Baby, you want some juice, lotion, wet wipes, mouf or anything?"

Sex on demand
Foreplay is optional and by optional I mean it's my option. You want to get in the mood just go look at last months utility bills. You should get wet just thinking of all the money you saved. I should be able to walk up on you all disrespectful like and rub my dick across your forehead and from there you know what to do.

Dress me
Not that lay my clothes out in the morning dumb shit I'm perfectly capable of that. I actually want you to dress me. I will lay across the bed lifelessly while you put on my socks, pants, shirt, so on and so forth. I'm 200lbs you might need to be in shape for that.

Requests due to change
Outside of my child I've never had anybody rely on me for survival so who knows all the wild shit I might dream up for the grown woman I don't owe shit to. I might be getting bathed Eddie Murphy style from Coming to America. Time, opportunity and woman looking for a free ride are a dangerous combination for an asshole such as myself.

What are you willing to do to go rent free?
Jean DeGrate is asking

Monday, September 10, 2012

Your Homies are Fucking up Your Perception of Yourself

All day everyday I see and hear women boosting other women up without just cause. The shit is fucking ridiculous how women give so much undeserving praise to one another. I normally sit by quietly observing and laugh.  Well until recently when I realized the amount of damaged it actually does. Ugly girls are walking around thinking they're beauty queens. Women with multiple kids by multiple men are running around believing then can honestly compete with women without kids. Nah b somebody has to cut the shit and I guess I'll start the wheel to rolling.

Your homies are lying to you
Despite your sketchy past and present, and all your other faults your friends will almost exclusively speak on your most endearing qualities. If you're bitchy and stubborn your girlfriends will call you strong willed. If you've moved in the last 3 men you dated within a month of knowing them your friend won't call you gullible she'll call you giving and trusting. If you sleep with a lot of dudes she won't call you a slut she'll downplay it and say some dumb shit like you're free spirited. You should know that don't they don't really believe half the accolades they shower you with. At least once a week I got a female homie on my line telling me about one of their scumbag homies and their scumbag escapades. Shit, your homies are the same women passing harsh judgment on the entire cast of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta. True, they don't know them hoes but they also don't know why you got two kids years apart by the same an ain't shit nigga either.

You won't judge yourself
The reason why it's so easy to believe the shit your homies tell you about yourself is because you refuse to judge yourself. It's doesn't matter how much mileage you put on that pussy you'll never consider yourself a hoe. No matter how many times a week you go out to party and how often you curse out your kids you'll never think of yourself as anything less than a great mom. In a nutshell all the dumb shit you do you'll find some way to justify it or overlook it and your girlfriends will be right there coaching you on and not calling you on your shit.

It's their job to compliment you
A female friends job it to pick you up when you are down, listen to you vent (no matter how foolish the gripe) and tell you how much of a catch you are. It makes no difference if you're down from a self inflicted wound; chances are she won't say you did it to yourself. A supposedly good "friend" will always tell you can do better and deserve more than you're currently doing and receiving even if you are a piece of shit. "Girl, you know you can do better than James tired ass; you're such a beautiful person" She'll say shit like this despite the fact you talk to this man like he ain't shit, cheated on him twice with your ex and he's paying half the bills in an apartment he stays in with you and your 3 kids. She's telling you wrong though.

What you need to do is...
Pretend you are somebody else because it's so much easier to judge other people than it is yourself. Write down all that foul, foolish and simple shit you've done. Stop trying to come up with bullshit reasons why you did it. Like the time you were late on your rent because you had to put down on your Miami trip or when you told your child's father his son needed money for a field trip but you really just wanted some money to go to the club and shit. Now review that list stare at it long and hard. The person that did that shit is you so that's the type of person you are. Fuck what your friends talking about that person on the list is you.

You know who you are right?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, September 6, 2012

You're an Ugly Chick so you're Probably Going to Need Some Extra Shit

As I stated in a previous blog post "due to the structure of society it's a 1000 times better to be an ugly man than it is to be an ugly woman". Men can compensate in so many ways for their lack of facial splendor. Chances are if you're an ugly dude you've already been ridiculed and taunted during your childhood years so you're skin is thick and not only can you take a joke you can probably fire a few back. Bitches love funny niggas but niggas don't necessarily love funny bitches. You're an ugly dude? Cool, get your money up, get buff and dress better. You don't even need to do all 3 in most cases just having 1 or 2 will get you to the pussy promise land. Now on to you unsightly bitches...

If you got a body...
If you got a body, trust me, you will get a pass on being facial challenged. I'm a firm believer that ass is the new face. Having a crazy body can make a large quantity of potential male suitors forget that you look like Terrell Owens in the face. Think I'm lying? Women are getting ass shots and boobs jobs not face lifts and nose jobs. They'll layer that ugg mug in Mac products and get the surrounding real estate up.

The word "No" should be used in extreme cases only
One of the many ways to accommodate for your lack of physical beauty is removing "no" from your vocabulary. You don't really have the luxury of saying no. The fact that men and people in your life period know that you're more likely to not say "no" will make you overall more likeable. I.E. "You like Coke or Pepsi?" your reply "Yes".

Be nice
You need to be an optimistic jovial charismatic and whatever endearing characteristic strait you can think of. You bad attitude having ass ugly bitches are at any given moment a side eye and slick comment away from having a grown man punch you in the face. An ugly bitch is 100 times more likely to be a victim of violence. Even though your face makes you rape proof you are much more susceptible to getting the shit beat out of you.

Talent is a much needed asset
Having some sort of in-demand skill or rare intriguing talent is almost as necessary as breathing. No, like really an ugly women without anything to offer the world is as about as useful as a driver license to a blind man. You got to be able to jailbreak iPhones, do an oil change, know magic, make balloon animals and bake cookies from scratch all at the same damn.

You need to be connected
Your networking skills will make or break you. You need a hook up with concert tickets, Jordan releases and discounted Halloween candy. The relationships you build will be your everything. Part of your ugly ass charm will be that people around you know that you're in good with another ugly bitch down at the DMV and they won't have to stand in line because she's going to fly them in. So those other ugly bitches, that weren't getting prom dates either and probably went off to college then made something of themselves, need to be your network. Fuck keeping in touch with Pam with the phat ass that dated the dude you had a crush then got pregnant and started working at Sport Zone.

You're ugly so you got to go the extra yard
Jean DeGrate has spoken