Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I Don’t Trust Niggas That…

There are certain things people do and say that just make me leery of their motives and overall outlook on life. Here’re a few…
I don’t trust niggas that eat pussy but don’t eat pork
People don’t eat pork for a colossal array of reasons: religion, heath, or shit, maybe they watched “Charlotte’s Web” one too many times. I can’t judge them on any of that. I personally don’t partake in the eating of the vagina; I even wrote a blog about it. Now, how can you draw the line at pork all the while continuing to eat pussy that’s been marinating in panties and tight denim day in and day out (not to mention the random penis that’s been in there)? Come on son. That pork in your local grocery store is government-approved USDA shit. Show me some USDA pussy… I’ll wait. That entire logic is flawed, plus nobody ever got an STD from bacon.
I don’t trust niggas that get that little bit of haircut before their dreads
There’s absolutely no good reason on God’s green earth to chop off a row or two of locs to have an inch of brush cut. That’s a sure sign of indecisiveness and blatant disrespect of your hairline. There’s no way you can make concrete decisions if you can’t choose between long hair or short hair.
I don’t trust women that wear weaves that don’t even look remotely believable
There was a time when a woman’s weave was meant to deceive; women used to pay top dollar and sit for 8 hours just to get hair from India sewn into their Negro scalps, with surgeon-like precision. Too bad that era ended some time ago. Now, bitches are getting weaves done on back porches during cookouts by another bitch that already had 3 shots of Patron and a jay of loud. One spiral cornrow, 2 packs of tracks, and 3 hours later, she’s looking in the mirror staring at a hair-do that looks less believable than those rainbow-colored wigs clowns wear. I can’t trust women that don’t even put effort into being deceitful.
I don’t trust BLACK niggas that date unattractive white women
I’ve never dated a white woman… fucked a handful, but never actually got around to the whole dating thing. Now, if I ever were to date a white woman, she would have to be a topnotch white woman. I’m talking Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Biel, or Topanga back when she had that “Boy Meets World” figure. Do you know the amount of hate you get when you’re out in public with a white woman as a black man? Every black woman that’s within 30 yards of you fucking hates you. If you’re out with a white woman you should just avoid eye contact with all people of color; trust me, they’re judging you bro. Now, if you switch to white and end up with a busted ass Rosie O’Donnell looking bitch, that’s not even worth the ridicule. I couldn’t even begin to understand the motive behind dating a mediocre white joint. All that talk about white bitches giving bomb ass head doesn’t even justify fucking Rosie O’Donnell. Plus, it’s 2011, colored bitches have gotten their head game up-to-par with their white peers. Real talk, let my white bitch lose a motherfucking step, and I don’t give a fuck if we’re married, splitting a mortgage, and my car is in her name (because white bitches have the best credit), I’m leaving her ass with no hesitation.
I don’t trust broke women with expensive shit
You work at Staples, but you drive a 2010 Lexus… How are you paying that car note? There ain’t but so much money you could possibly make working behind a cash register. Oh word… you’re clearing $50k a year double bagging groceries and shit? Not in this lifetime. Your handbags total up to the average price of a condo in a bad neighborhood, but you’re a shift manager at CVS. I’m sorry; there isn’t that much savings out here. I don’t believe you did it on your own; I just can’t. You had to lease that pussy out. I’m not saying you’re a flat out hoe; I’m sure niggas ain’t coming thru leaving money on the nightstand and shit, but there’re some sexual favors going down somewhere.
I don’t trust straight women that don’t do anything about their facial hair
I mean I’ve never heard a man say “I love bitches with mustaches”. As a matter of fact, that goes for chin stubble and sideburns. Besides the fact that women with facial hair is grossly unattractive, but when you just let those whiskers grow wild you’re saying you don’t give a fuck about your appearance. Nor do you care about being appealing to the opposite sex. I can’t trust a girl with a Rick Ross beard.
Maybe, I just got trust issues. Or maybe, niggas and bitches just can’t be trusted.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, November 11, 2011

What your ex owes you?

*** This excludes exes that are actually cool with each other or have kids together. And, let’s be clear, if you haven’t amicably spoken to your ex out of your own free will (not because he cornered you in Whole Foods when you were waiting in line at the deli) in the last 6 months, you’re not cool. ***
This really could be the shortest blog ever because your ex actually owes you…*wait for it*… not a motherfucking thing… well except that “it burns when I pee you might want to go see a doctor” call. I guess that concept is crazy to some folks since a lot us have some entitlement issues. Here is my brief list of things people expect post break-up.
The entire concept of closure is crazy. People want a face-to-face sit down to hear why the other person no longer wants to be with you. My personal take is they don’t want you so they are leaving the situation, case closed. Nobody owes anybody an explanation; it isn’t like your time together will go on a relationship resume and perspective mates will Google it and decide accordingly. “Oh I dated this chick; she has bad break up protocol; she ended her last two relationships via text, and the one before that she just stopped taking dude calls then blocked him on FaceBook.” That will never happen. I know some folks are going be like “that’s just common courtesy”, but common courtesy is holding the door for the person directly behind you, not having a drawn out conversation with a person you no longer want to be in your life. Nope, that’s just awkward.  What’s a polite way to say, “You make me sick, and I don’t want to know you anymore, but let’s pretend to be friends”?
Not Fucking/Dating your friends
If your ex fucks one of your homies, you can only be mad at one person… your homie. How can you really be mad at somebody who’s not a part of your life to pass out up on some sex and possibly more just because they hangout with you? That’s kind of selfish and overbearing to believe that you can control somebody’s sex life that you don’t even speak to. Let that man live, but your homie, on the other hand, that’s something you two might have to sort out. Trust me, if any of my exes are reading this, and we don’t even speak anyone one of your fuckable homies is fair game. Hi Kaysha, this is Jean, Jewel’s old boyfriend, if you look anything like you did in the 12th grade, hit me up I’m on FaceBook. Yup, Retro Thirst… I’m quenching it for the world to see.
Acknowledging your presence in public
I personally haven’t had many girlfriends, but I’ve dated enough girls to absolutely dread the “random bump into each, let’s catch up and how you been” conversation. I haven’t seen nor spoken to you in the last 5 years; please don’t run up on me in public like you have been looking for me in day time with a flashlight. I swear to sweet baby Jesus, I’m going to tell you get the fuck on like homeless man begging for change. We don’t know each other anymore so just because my penis was in your mouth once upon a time, don’t think I owe you 5 to 10 minutes of fake conversation. I’m extremely Google friendly, and my cell phone number hasn’t changed in over 10 years, you could have found me. I’m also pretty sure if I was interested I could have found you too… message. If you see me in the streets, and we make eye contact (and ONLY if we make eye contact… Don’t go screaming my name across shopping malls and shit) toss me the head nod. I’ll toss one back in your direction then keep it pushing.
Honorable mentions that don’t really deserve any explanations
Accepting FaceBook friend request
Following back on Twitter
Happy holiday/ birthday text and/or emails
Returning any phone calls or replying to any other forms of communication
And my personal favorite; doing any sorts of favors i.e. No I won’t hand your resume off to my boss; why on God’s green Earth would I want to work with you.
Think of your ex like a car you sold; once you let it go you lost all the perks.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The Economy and You

Before we get into this, I just want to say that I may be one of the worst people to talk about the state of the economy because if it wasn’t for the Washington Post and constant contact with large quantities of broke people, I wouldn’t know shit about it. I have job security, real money in the bank (not just enough to keep them from closing the account), a 401k, and at this current moment Louis Vuitton shoes on my feet. I said all that to say, I’m not hurting in the slightest; nevertheless, I still relate to the plight of the poor people in the “Jay-Z still rapping about selling drugs” kind of way.

So, this morning I’m making my daily visit to MSNBC.com and this headline literally jumped off my screen “Lawyer turns topless dancer to pay the bills”. It’s the story of a woman in her mid 30’s that got laid off from her firm, ran thru her savings, and was facing eviction until she bit the bullet, and set them titties out. I have to respect that; she’s out here doing what she has to do to keep her head above water. She probably will get a Lifetime movie of the week in the near future; so stayed tuned.

Aside from pole dancing lawyers, 1 in 6 Americans live below the poverty line (makes less than 22,350 yearly) that means at least one person reading this blog is poor as fuck. The economy is still all the way fucked up, but there’s still money out here, and definitely ways to keep some money in your pockets.

Is your pride keeping you down?
I know a lot of people with a chest full of pride, and a pocket full of lint. There are jobs out here; some of these gigs might not be as glamorous as we’d like them to be, but they’ll keep a check coming. You can’t be too good to push a vacuum in an office building, when that final notice for your electricity comes in the mail. You can’t be above working overnight security, when there’s an eviction notice taped to your door. You can’t be beyond flipping burgers, when the repo man is staking out your house. If you’re a citizen of the US, there’s no way you can’t find a job no matter how fucked up your resume may be. I see foreigners all the time with 2 and 3 jobs, and these folks can hardly speak English. Don’t wait until the unemployment runs out and all the bill collectors are coming at your neck to decide it’s time to fill out the Wal-Mart application.

Are you living beyond your means?
You bring home 3k a month but your monthly expenses come up to 2,987 leaving you with a whopping 13 bucks to drop into the old savings account. If you don’t already know, I’m telling you now; you’re fucking up. If you actually have to save up and budget to pay for simple things like a new TV, a tune-up for your car, or a weekend out of town, you’re not living right. If you’re making like 12 bucks an hour living by yourself, riding the bus and living check to check, I can’t knock that; but, if you’re outside that minimum wage range and trying to keep up with the Jones’s, that’s all bad.

Are you financing your life?
Even with the credit being all fucked every single day I see a new credit card commercial with some sort of crazy incentive. Their talking to somebody; is that somebody you? Your outfit for the club for Howard Homecoming; do you still Master Card something on that? You copped that 60inch flat screen with Blu Ray player and surround sound, but you tossed it on the Best Buy card. In my personal opinion, you should not finance anything other than cars and homes. So that leather sectional with matching end table you’ve been eyeballing, but your cash isn’t quite long enough to buy it out right… you might want to pass on that. Trust me, that won’t be the last couch they make, and by the time you get your money up, you might not be feeling it anyway.

I feel your money woes just in a 3rd person kind of way
Jean DeGrate wants you to get your money up

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

7 Seven Subtle Signs That He Might Not Be Shit

Somehow, someway women still manage to get swept off their feet by niggas that aren’t fit to raise a goldfish. These ain’t shit niggas dog them out and in worst case scenarios knock them up then get missing. Half of those little bastards you saw on Halloween parading up and down the street begging for candy are bastards for real because their daddies are MIA like they got killed in Iraq. So today I’m going to do a public service in attempt to limit fatherless children and bitter bitchhood (bitter bitchhood I’m coining that phrase) I give you all the 7 subtle seven signs that he might not be shit. You’re welcome.
1. He has every pair of Jordan’s and or Foamposites
Before anybody jumps to conclusion we aren’t talking about legitimate sneaker heads that actually collect shoes or rich guys. I’m talking about Tyrone that lives on top of the hill that drives a 1998 Impala, lives in a one bedroom apartment and has a job where he’s required to wear a name tag. Now that guy he ain’t shit.
2. He has a top of the line cell but not much else
He got that white iPhone 4S the day it came out but now he’s flat fucking broke. The message here is his priorities are all the way fucked up, but he’s going pull some bad bitches with iPhone though because bitches love iPhones.
3. He refers to women in regular conversation as bitches
I’m not talking about in a derogatory sense but before he thinks woman he thinks bitch i.e. “Oh, I know where we at now my man had a bitch that stayed around the corner from here” or “I love the bitches that work in my dentist’s office, they always take care of me”. This guy has pimp like tendencies and he’s going to try to get that money up off of you.
4. He stashes his condoms in his own home
If it’s about to go down and he goes into the DVD case for Ghostbusters II and pulls out a magnum that nigga ain’t to be trusted.
5. He bums cigarettes from strangers
You know who ask for shit from strangers? Homeless people, but when homeless do it they’ve loss everything including their pride. So when a gainfully employed man does it he’s a fucking leech.
6. He owns a Scarface poster
It’s only acceptable for girls to own posters and when I say girl I actually mean females that aren’t old enough to vote. So when a grown man has a picture of a fictional drug dealer plastered on his wall and he’s not a famous gangster rapper he’s just a fucking lame.
7. He smokes around kids
Stand up men don’t smoke around kids. They understand the health risk and just might fire up the loud pack right next to their man that still on papers but let a child walk into that room. That same guy will put that shit out then hop up and open a window. But ain’t shit niggas don’t care if the youth has cancer and in turn they don’t care about the future.
Go head run down this checklist compare with your dude
Jean DeGrate has spoken