Monday, November 16, 2015

Why Black Twitter salary discussions don’t matter in real life

Hold let me turn on my mood music… *queues up Future’s “Fuck up some commas”*

You’re probably poor. Blog over. Now stop tweeting about it.

Okay you need a bit more than that. Cool. I’ll play along.

First just the facts

The median income in the United States of America is about 27k a year (or 135 $200 dates or 1,228 2 for $22 at Friday’s), so most of you motherfuckers only make $13 an hour. That means the $15 an hour “working wage” people are pushing for is about 3k more than what the average person is making right now. The average household income is 50k and 2 thirds of Americans make less than 42k a year. But guess what? Black people on average are making less than that (even with us colored folks dominating the NFL and the NBA); yes, black households only average around 35k. Unless you’re secretly flipping bricks and trapping out the bando while avoiding the IRS; the odds, the stats and the Man, that’s keeping you down, all say you’re poor (or at least a 2 out of 3 chance that you’re poor).

Women date broke men on a regular basis

A woman’s dating criteria more times than not is subjective at best and that’s a reach. If you listen to the average black woman’s type of 6 feet plus, bearded, tattooed, 1 or no kids, own car, own home and making an excess of 100k you know most men aren’t making the cut. If any of that held true myself and a lot of 5’11 and under brothers would be forever alone. Let’s keep it 100 though MOST women’s conditions are written in dry erase marker. Right now it’s a chick reading this on her cell phone riding the train into work because her unemployed, 5’7, baby faced boyfriend needed her car today to “run errands”. Two years ago “Netflix and chill” wasn’t even a thing now it’s the go to move. Binge watching OITNB while eating take-out from Outback and he doesn’t need to drive as long as he puts something on that Uber for the ride there and back. Prove me wrong and retweet this blog if you never let a broke nigga camp out in your pussy in your adult life.

You’re against the living wage

It’s crazy stupid funny how many average ass people are AGAINST the living wage. Do you think the prices at Walmart are going to sky rocket and that multi flavor 30 pack of Top Ramen is going to be $3 over the $2.50 you’re used to paying? I promise you implementing the living wage won’t eliminate the dollar menu at McDonald’s. It’s a 99% chance it won’t affect your life at all if you make more than $15 an hour currently. I would jump into the math of how it’s actually better for the economy and your taxes but I’ll save that shit for another blog. See the real reason you don’t want the living wage is you don’t want Daquan at Arby’s driving the same 08 Impala as you. Chances are you’re an old… “See, I’m washing lettuce. Soon, I’ll be on the fries, then the grill. In a year or two, I’ll make assistant manager and that’s where the big bucks start rolling in.” ass nigga and you don’t want to see anybody come up too fast shining on you. By the way that’s a “Coming to America” quote for all you 90’s baby. Plus if they up minimum wage how you going to tell another person to act their wage when you only making $2 more?

You give way too many fucks about how other people spend their money

Seriously you give way too many fucks and this is probably because you’re not balling. Sallie Mae trying to get that loan money off you. Eastern Motors wants every bit of that 38% financing on that 08 Impala with 200k miles on the dash. Child support got your check looking humble like you’ve been flipping burgers part-time instead of putting in 40 hours at your desk job. No matter the reason you’re so opinionated about how people spend money that didn’t come out of your pocket that you take it to social media and rant about people buying Jordan’s, weaves, iPhones and whatever shit is popping on the timeline. You make stupid comparisons like “if niggas wasn’t buying hover boards you’d have cars” like a hands free scooter is the same price as a Camry. Let these people buy the H&M x Balmain line in peace.

Twitpic your W-2 or shut the fuck up
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Me, Religion and Zack Morris

I was watching last night’s episodes of “Truth Be Told” you know (wishfully thinking but most likely you don’t know), its the new Zack Morris sitcom on NBC in the doomed Friday night slot when all the people that might watch this show are out doing way cooler shit. It’s not the best show but it’s not the worst show and I like Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack Morris) and Tone Bell (a sitcom regular black guy with a beard). I’m 100% sure the show will be canceled shortly and 2000% sure it will never see a second season. Anyway last night’s episode was touching on religion or basically Zack Morris character’s preference to not raise his daughter with religion. Shocking isn’t it? TV taboo even.

Funny thing about it is… that’s my exact take on parenting and religion but, exclusively for children that used to live in my balls. I am not the “push my ideology on everybody else” type of guy. And no I’m not I’m an atheist or an agnostic (there is a difference), I’m Catholic but all the same there is no Santa or Jesus in the DeGrate household (minus my Jesus pieces and rosary beads and crosses). Until last week I thought the tooth fairy was still holding it down for me but Madi told me randomly “I know you’re the tooth fairy; I know you’re giving me money, I’ve always known.” Before you question me on letting the tooth fairy have her shine but no Jesus or Santa; the tooth fairy actually serves a purpose and those other guys not so much. How else am I going to get a 5 year old to allow me to snatch a tooth out of her head without the false belief of some mythical Tinkerbelle like creature is going to give her money? Oh Ok then.

See the thing is this… I’m not 100% sure; fuck it I’m not even 35% sure I’d be religious if I wasn’t raised Catholic. As a child when I was too young to know any better they spoon fed me Jesus, the boogie man, Santa and the tooth fairy. As I got older they pull the rug on all the other shit but allowed Jesus to cook I guess because he died for my sins and all. So here I am 35 going on 36 praying to a guy (or guys and a spirit) that I’m not sure I’d have stock in if I would have discovered the faith today. Like imagine having no concept of religion and stumbling across a bible at your local Flea Market (because you hipsters love flea markets). You picked it up 99 cents because its leather bound and the pages are gold leafed and if nothing else it will look cool sitting on your coffee table next to that piece of drift wood you picked up at Rehoboth beach last summer. Two days later your WiFi is down, there isn’t shit on TV and your cell service sucks in your apartment so you can’t even get on Twitter and there is the bible staring you in the face. (This shit is about to get real blasphemous so all my die hard bible fans and Jesus freaks it’s time to tune out.) “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God”… How Sway and what the fuck does that even mean? Let’s say you skip all that and go to the dope stories like the Tower of Babel when the people were building a tower to heaven which seems mighty improbably since outer space exist an air gets very thin at extreme heights. Or how about Noah’s ark when they put two of each animal (predator and prey) on a boat and nobody ate anybody for 40 days and 40 nights; plus do you know how big a boat would have to be to fit two of each animal. Mad logistical flaws in these bible stories b; it could be the centuries separating the "word of God" and modern science, but as a grown-up it would be hard to swallow. Then we have all the savage shit that we just politely skip over in the bible like all that God sanctioned rape, murder and slavery. What type of God is pro-slavery and anti-shrimp? Shrimp is wonderful and slavery has been time tested as a rather shitty practice. I mean some people are allergic to shellfish but everybody is allergic to being whipped into submission as a slave.

As an adult I have a difficult time sorting through what should be applied to life and what shouldn’t be. I mean are women second class citizens or nah? In my times of need I just ask for guidance over turning to the good book. So how do I deliver this convoluted labyrinth of “religion” to my child? Instead I just install sound morals in my child and leave Jesus out of it. I leave that to her in adulthood to choose the path that was force upon me.

Maybe this isn’t so much Zack Morris and more me, Madi and religion
Jean DeGrate has spoken