Friday, July 17, 2009

Man Law Violation: The Steve McNair incident

Real talk chances are if you happen to be black and in the NFL or NBA you’re going to get it popping on the road. If you’re a superstar it’s more of a guarantee unless he’s married to Jackie Christie (she ain’t going for none of that dumb shit).

Ok my man Air McNair did everything wrong all so wrong...

He sold Sahei Kazemi the “I’m getting a divorced” bit. You know who has to sell the “I’m getting a divorced” bit or the “Sliding off the wedding band” bit? You guessed broke average looking dudes. If you got a regular 9 to 5, drive a car that cost less than 30K brand new and you’re looking for more than the drunken one nightstand; you will have to resort to those tactics. He was a millionaire/former pro-bowler he should be able to pull a model chick while holding his wife’s purse standing outside of the ladies bathroom let alone a waitress at Dave and Buster’s.

He took this chick parasailing. I don’t know how many people have ever been parasailing or even know what it is; so here’s a definition... They strap a specially designed parachute to the back of a speed boat. When boat accelerates the para sailors takes flight. People parasail as couples in all these tropical paradises; places like Aruba, the Virgin Islands and Hawaii. Parasailing might be the most romantic shit you could possibly do on a get away. Just imagine you’re suspended 30 40 feet in air whisking thru tropical air looking into clear blue ocean water with exotic fish and dolphins swimming beneath you and all the while the object of your affection is right there next to you. If you take a sideline chick parasailing she is going to think she is the one no way around it. Shit if I’m floating thru the air with dolphins at my feet I might think I’m in love.

Jet setting
It’s only one type of dude that’s allowed to take his sideline chick on a plane and that’s the one with the female assistant/secretary that he happens to be cracking. Those aren’t even vacations it’s business. I mean who’s going to take that DICtation when he’s out of town at those important conferences? These other guys that aren’t fucking the help can’t even take a sideliner to the Air and Space museum. If you got her out in Vegas shooting craps on your dime and sun bathing on sandy beaches she can’t help but to feel special.

Meeting the parents
You don’t meet the parents; you can’t be kicking it with the family. “Hey Mr. Kazemi yeah I’m the married Ex-NFL star fucking your daughter but let me distracted you with this Escalade I just co-signed for that she can’t pay for on her Dave and Buster’s waitress salary. She said I was leaving my wife yeah that’s the plan I’m dying to folk over half my shit, tear my family apart and fight for custody of my kids.” Not meeting the parents should be a no brainer. “Oh the family is coming to town this weekend damn sorry I’m going to miss them I got a big fishing trip planned with the boys”

Don’t bring the sideliner to the crib
McNair would be breathing right now if this woman didn’t know where he rested his head. Instead he found his sideliner sitting on his door step at 2 in the morning and thought it was a good idea to invite her in. Another no brainer let me find my girlfriend sitting on my door step at 2am she’s not getting in my house (nor a jumper or an ex or even a good female homie). I’m not even going to get out of the car I’ll roll the window down some and ask her questions from there while the car is still in gear. When I’m done talking I’m pulling off and I’ll go home when the sun comes up and people are around. Having a female waiting for you to come home and not letting her in isn’t even man law it’s just common sense. Ask any chick what she would do if she came home from the club to find her dude sitting on her door step. I’m no psychic but I’m guessing it would involve a call to the police.

“Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a women scorned” - William Congreve

Most man law violations go unpunished and normally the harshest penalty is losing a girl, losing a friend, and/or losing the windows on your car. Steve lost his life, his wife lost her husband and his kids lost their dad. He played house with a teenager that never had shit and treated her like a queen; the idea of it all slipping away was way too much for her young mind to handle. I expect teens to make rash impulsive decisions (in this case deadly) but from a grown man hip to the game I expected better.

Who would have ever thought you’d take an L on the sideline?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Man Law - Jump Off Protocol Sub Division: The Sideline Chick

The problem is; you dudes treat the one that you lovin with the same respect that you treat the one that you humpin” - Jay-Z

By definition the sideline chick is the chick that gets minimal playing time. She is the one you call when your girl is out of town or you got some away from home free time you might give her a little bit of time. You don’t have to sell her no dreams; trust if she will knowingly give you the ass while you’re bunned up/married or whatever the situation maybe she will cool with riding that pine waiting for slight playing time.

She’s the text message girl
It is no real reason to hold a phone conversation with a sideline chick once she is in her sideline position everything you have to say to her should be able to be covered in 5 texts or less i.e.

You - (1) Where you at? I’m trying to see you
Her - In the house
You - (2) Busy?
Her - No
You - (3) I’m on my way
Her - Bring some goose
You - (4) Bet

She’s the carry out dinner girl
If you think it’s cool to be all out and about with her you’re dead wrong. You can’t be all up in Ruby Tuesday’s/Outback/Legal Seafood/McDonald’s with this woman. Every food mission has to be drive thru carry out style, ya’ll can only sit down and eat in 3 places...
The car (behind dark tint)
Her house
And the hotel room

She’s the short term chick
It’s a very very very very small amount of women willing to play second string for a long period of time; either they’ll start making hints towards promotion, flip out and turn psycho or say cut her loses and roll. Now you as the man, with something at home that you aren’t willing to leave, needs to be the one to decide when to end it before she has a change of heart. In my personal opinion a sideline chick should last no longer than a season i.e. your sideliner from May shouldn’t know you in August.

She’s not your girl so don’t treat her like your girl
This may very well be the must important rule. If you treat a sideliner like the main attraction she will begin to act accordingly. You taking her out, going on trips, and buying her gifts you’re asking for trouble. You’re creating attachment and moving the relationship in realm you can no longer fully control.

No pictures
It’s 3 things you don’t take pictures with guns drugs and sideline chicks. They are all illegal and will come back to haunt you. How you going to explain to your wife the girl sitting in your lap smiling in this Polaroid that just showed up in your mailbox is just a friend?

JD isn’t a fan of cheating but I’m less of a fan of stupidity. If you can’t be true to the one you love at least be true the game.

Don’t treat your hoe like your housewife
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Men and Women: The Shit Done Changed (Version 2.0)

Once upon a time long long ago it was common practice for a man to wine and dine a female during courtship. A man would meet a lady he was interested in and spending money on her was the only way he could prove he could provide for her. Why is that you ask? Because women didn’t have jobs or at least real jobs (nobody is retiring from the make-up counter at Macy’s or selling Avon). When it was time to get engaged the man would go to her father to ask for her hand in marriage and he would then again have to prove he could provide a suitable lifestyle for his daughter. If the father agreed to allow this man to marry his daughter he would pay for the wedding because that young man was taking a bill off of his hands. He no longer had to take care of his daughter so the least he could is foot the bill for the wedding. That was the primary practice up until the late 50’s early 60’s; shit was real story book like.

When marriage kicked off a man could expect his breakfast to be cooked and on the table when he woke up in the morning and dinner in the same place when he came home from work. Everyday he came home to a clean house with washed and ironed clothes; house smelling like lemon Pledge and shit. Outside of washing the car, throwing out the trash, mowing the lawn and occasionally changing a light bulb home life was sweet. During the work week he would do what he had to do keep clothes on their back, the lights on and the mortgage/rent paid. Now if the wife wanted a night on the town yeah he’d pay that because he was the only one making real money. She wanted to pick a few things up from the mall or maybe catch up with some of the girls and hit a bar she had to reach into his wallet to get that accomplished because he was the bread winner.

Now let’s fast forward to today

When all these independent women or at least a shit load you claiming to be (that’s still under investigation) are handling their own and got their own but keep reaching out for more. I personally love women and don’t have the slightest problem with going out getting a few drinks, maybe a meal and finishing it off with a flick and I’ll say “baby I got this please don’t reach for your wallet” I wouldn’t even allow her to do such a thing. If we out enjoying each other company and I’m dropping some cash while we out painting the town red it’s all good and no other stand up man should have any issues with this. Later on down the line women start sentences that begin with “You should buy me”, “I want that” or “I need this” yeah I get chills down my spine when I even think of it. Does that mean because you open legs I should open my wallet? Does that mean because we spent some time together I should spend some cash on you? I’m confused here; that doesn’t sound like a fair exchange.

Let’s try something different
You need your nails done; hey I need my laundry done. When you come to pick up the money for them nails you can pick up these clothes toppling out of my hamper. You need your hair done; I need dinner cooked for me a couple times this week and I’m thinking steak and homemade mash potatoes for starters. You need clothes, purses, money to party and such; how about I give you a key to my spot and you wash my dishes, sweep and mop my floors, fold my clothes, clean my bathroom and do my grocery shopping for a while (I’m running low on paper towels and I left the Sunday paper sitting on the kitchen counter please use those coupons). If you want me to be your Suga Daddy I want you to be my maid.

It’s nothing wrong with doing something nice for the woman in your life every now and then and I’m not talking about Ms New Booty I’m talking about your girl/wife (don’t be an Air McNair). But wasn’t your girl getting her hair and nails done before you so how did that become your responsibility? Wasn’t she fully dressed with a closet full of clothes before you came around? I can see if she was off that Eddie Murphy butt-naked with bone in her nose riding a zebra rocking an afro, then you came along got her a perm and some gear yeah then it’s only right that she look to you for more.

Let’s put the shoe on the other foot since we both work

Let me ask for money to get my hair done. I got locs and like to keep them looking good and they hitting for 70 at the shop.

Let me ask for money to get my nails done. Shit a manicure every now and then can help keep my hands soft when I put them on you baby. You don’t want me rubbing your back with no hard rough hands do you?

Jolly and Fatz trying to hit the club tonight and they want me to go; let me get a few bucks so I can party too. Goose and cranberry 12 at the bar I'm going to need at least 3 of those and it 20 to get in.

Baby it’s a pair of Evisu’s I been eyeing for some time now and I was wondering could you get that for me. You want me to look good right?

You know the answers to these questions? “Hell no nigga you must be high” followed up by some laughter. You’d be hard press to find a chick to give a grown man the option to do a load of laundry to get some club money.

What’s the reasoning behind this?

It’s a combination of two things... A. It’s a gang of dudes that lack enough character and charm (swag) to win the affections of the females they desire without breaking the bank and B. Folks been selling them the dream all their life that it’s the man’s place just to pay for shit. So now it’s like when a dude gets a shot of ass it’s like he owe something for it. I guess nobody came and said when Affirmative Action started and the Equal Pay Act of 1963 kicked in some of the cash dudes were tossing around might slow up some. What I really want to know is when does this independence shit kick in and if ya’ll so independent why your hands always out? Shit girl you grown go head and get your own.

JD is going to stay single I don’t need no more bills
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

What Really Grinds My Gears Vol. IV

Broke by choice people

I work with a gang of broke by choice people that complain about being broke all the time. I got these lottery playing “if I hit I'm going to do this and that” firing off vacation days because it raining type of folks. You want money bring your ass to work you want more money do some OT or shut the fuck up.

The Maury show

Really folks, ya’ll aint tired of embarrassing yourselves yet? Ok you a hoe and you don’t who your baby daddy is you can A. drag your happy ass down to the court building and have them subpoena the likely parties for blood test or B. give Maury a call have him fly those same dudes out so you can take a chance at getting your ass embarrassed on daytime TV. Everybody in your neighborhood already know you hoe why not shame your children, your family and yourself some more by letting the world know all while playing “are you the daddy?” “My momma saw your momma on the Maury show and she say they couldn’t find your daddy.”

Judge TV

Ok your next door neighbor’s bad ass son stole the car for the night ended up running over two of your trash cans and denting up your brand new Ford Focus. Instead of reporting it to your insurance or taking these people to small claims court you decide to go Judge Joe Brown/Judy/Hatchet for your chance to be on TV. Besides that fact that they seem bias as hell out the gate, talk folks like children and do everything short of telling you “SHUT THE FUCK UP” when you’re trying to make a point; this ain’t real court. I need to know what’s stopping people from saying “Fuck what you saying I ain’t doing shit like that. Kiss my ass your honor.”

Miracle Drug Commercials that just might do more harm than good

Turn on any network channel for 45 minutes to an hour and you are sure to see a commercial selling you a medicine for everything from erectile dysfunction, birth control that completely does away with your period, depression, herpes, bladder control, to just about anything. Now days if you have a problem pharmaceutical companies can cure for it; well more like a temporary fix. I mean how else can they keep getting your money? Once you get pass the people riding bikes, going on picnics, walking on beaches and varied assortment of dumb shit (what does any of that have to do with erectile dysfunction your guess is as good as mine) they run thru a list of side effects that go a little like this...

“Side effects include
Blurred vision
High blood pressure
A sudden loss of hearing
Temporary vision loss
Prolonged painful erection”

So just imagine being nauseous blind and deaf with a painful hard dick I think I’ll just wait for Mother Nature to kick in and take my chances with a limp dick. I might not get any pussy but I still hear and see.

What Really Grinds My Gears V maybe on the way but for now...
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, June 15, 2009

Just Random

If I ever hit any girl 200lbs or better I’m going to just consider that a ménage
I hit a girl that was like 105 before so if hit a girl 200 or better that would be like 2 of her I need extra credit for that; ménage for JD

I don’t Twit
It’s just something about only having 140 characters to get my point across and I don’t like the term followers. I’m Jean DeGrate don’t follow me you might end up in somebody else’s girlfriend.

Facebook will get you late
It’s a notification for everything; you comment on a status a picture or anything every one of your homies will know that instant. Get tagged in a photo and all you’re homies will know. I’m just waiting for a married dude “away on business” to get tagged walking into a hotel with his mistress in the back drop of somebody else’s photo. It will be the first Facebook related homicide.

Broke people are always busy
I swear on everything I love I know a gang of broke people and every single one of them got a full fucking schedule. I’ll call these folks up when I got a free moment because I work 25/8 and they got tons of shit to do. These folks are at the movies, visiting old friends, taking trips you’d think they were on summer vacation. If you ain’t busy getting money what the fuck are you doing?

Fly ass homeless people
Everyday rain or shine I see two homeless men when I hop off at Silver Spring station. They got the good electric wheelchairs and always wearing different shit. I hadn’t really noticed it until one of these cats had the balls to wear an all white outfit and it was crisp. These dudes only bum Monday - Friday and during business hours. How the fuck can you do this selective bumming and where they plugging these chairs up at?

Peek - A - Boo stomach
It’s warm out and the stomachs are starting to show but it’s something about a girl that’s has slither of that flat smooth stomach that is just super sexy. So ladies if you got a nice shape with a flat stomach (not that raisin belly) go head and put on that T-shirt on that barely touches the top of your jeans JD will be watching.

Aigh I’m done talk shit thanx for reading
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I don’t chop the box

Okay I’m 29 now and I can clearly see 30 from here so it’s safe to assume I’m pretty stuck in my ways. Over the years there have been a few things I said I’d never do and went against the grain like eating broccoli, smoking weed, kissing a girl after she gave me slight, or driving a stolen car and I got past all that shit, but I never got pass eating pussy.

So without further ado here’s my list of why I don’t chop the box

1. Somebody’s penis was in there.
If somebody stuck their dick in my favorite cup there wouldn’t be enough soap, bleach, or disinfectant in the world to make think it’s safe to drink from it ever again. So why the fuck would I put my mouth on something that’s only getting regular soap. Shit Dove won’t make that pussy squeaky clean.

2. The Period
No explanation just fucking disgusting.

3. The secretion
I’ve hit chicks that were so wet my balls were dripping. They leave wet spots on the sheets and some more shit. If I put my face in that it would be like drinking a 20oz soda and I’d come up looking like a glazed donut; not a good look so I’ll pass.

4. I don’t like the look of it
I often have sex with the lights on so I know exactly what a vagina looks like. Matter of fact I don’t know how it got the nickname “pussy” because it don’t look shit like a cat. To be perfectly honest on looks alone a vagina is not something I want in my mouth. To this date I’ve never seen a pussy that made me say “Oh man I got to put my mouth on that”.

5. I don’t think it would taste good
In my entire life every time I thought something look nasty you better believe I was dead on. Brussels sprouts; horrible, lima beans; awful, liver; the worst, but every time I knew this was going to be bad grown-ups push me into eating it just to reaffirm my faith in my own prejudice. I have girls tell me they taste like strawberries and peaches and smell like roses; I’m an intelligent man so I know that bull shit. You know what tastes like strawberries and peaches? That’s right strawberries and peaches.

Sorry ladies I can’t eat nothing that can get up and walk away
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, May 1, 2009

You Knew He Wasn’t Shit

Men just like women feel the spoils of dealing with a person who isn't of the greatest quality but mostly women are the ones left worst off

Women kill me when they start having kids and/or fucking up there lives by dealing with these ain't shit type dudes and then acted surprised when things fall apart. I used to have all this sympathy for these women. I used to make all these excuses like "well you know she's raising those kids by herself" or "She got it hard because she got a place with this dude and he just rolled". Yeah I'm so over that shit most of these chicks did it to themselves.

People are just like cars and it doesn't take 6 months to find out you're driving a lemon

I've dealt with more than my fair share of women in full knowledge that it will never go beyond the little fling that we have going on. There will be no weekend get a ways or flowers to the job or Christmas gifts exchanged; because I already know that she's not the material to bun up with so no matter how much fun we have or how good the sex is I'll never fool myself into believing it can be something more. I know that she can't boil water let alone cook. I know that her credit is so bad that she couldn't get a car from Eastern Motors. I know that she went to Vegas for the All-Star game but her story of what took place is real vague. Just as she should know that he's one strike away from doing 20 with and L. She should know that he spends more money on weed in a month than he does on his rent. She should know that his other kid(s) haven't received any child support in lord knows how long but he buys a fresh pair of Nike's every week.

They say love is blind but common sense has 20/20 vision

People often say you can't choose the one you love but I'd like to think we as people of free mind and body have a saying in who will fuck up our lives. At what point does love say "Hey let him/her charge up bullshit on your credit card that neither of you can afford" or "Baby we don't need to use a condom" or "I want you to stay with me and move out of your mother house"? Was there not a glimpse of what this person could do to your life if allowed? I understand it's not always as clear cut as James from 3rd street that sold coke all his life but nevertheless he has 4 kids and 3 baby mothers. Sometime the dude appears to be a good dude when you first meet him, the first date, the first month all seems good. After time his representative starts to fade he doesn't open car doors anymore, you had a argument and he balled up his fist as if he was going to hit you, he doesn't call you like he used to and you're always calling him, or maybe he just isn't as affectionate as he once was. Now I'm not saying these things are deal breaker if you're cool with it do you, but it should toss up a warning flag or two dissuading you from going any further.

Truth is changes always arise in relationships but is this dude you met last week, last, month, or last season is he still the same dude today.
Whether it is yes or no do you want to have his kids with this dude, live with this dude, or even marry this dude? Or is it just a fling just for fun?

Don't turn 3 good dates into a relationship that will ruin your life
Jean DeGrate has spoken

You Just Don’t Do It for Me Anymore

*** Folks this might be one of the reasons men cheat or people cheat in general***

Remember the first time you have sex with a chick you're dating, not that one night stand heat of the moment BS, but that real passion. The exploration of those unfamiliar curves that you are so eager to learn, her distinct smell, and the sound she makes when you touch her right there. Yeah that shit if off the chain; there is nothing quite like good new pussy.

After a while the passion fades the excitement dies and that good new pussy is just old regular pussy. Foreplay no longer exist and that rise in your pants you once got from just the thought of it going down needs a little bit more coasting to get where it's going.

After about 6 months or so of dating all the excitement in the bedroom is normally pretty much gone it's just regular sex after that you need to be a pretty charming individual or shit is going to go way left. Phone time decreases and face time decreases yeah you're doing a whole lot more of kicking it with Craig and them than you used to. Funny thing about it you don't know what's really wrong because nothing seems off. You can lay next to this chick while she is ass naked and your man won't jump.

Weeks drag on and you feel no real motivation to knock this chick down. You find yourself making up reasons to hit like "Well it's raining out so ain't nothing going to be popping tonight so I'll go see her" or "Well I don't have shit else better to do might as well hit".

After a while you stare at her and pick out her flaws like the little bumps on her forehead that remind you of Braille or the way she keeps wearing same tired ass ponytail every fucking day and that just adds to the lack of her sexual appeal. Then it's the first time your man doesn't show up to the show and you start making excuses like "I'm just tired" or "give me a little bit head to get me started". But you're up and ready to rock when you caught 5 minutes of tittie on Cinemax at 2 in the morning then it hits you like a Mack truck you just don't do it for me anymore and it's all downhill from there.

95 times out of 100 new pussy is going to be hit but after the sparks fade then what?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

***If you think I write good shit; tell somebody else***

What Really Grinds My Gears Volume III

Ugly people calling other people ugly

I’m about to start carrying a mirror around for these physically unfortunate souls who deem it ok to talk about another persons looks. Real talk have you seen you are there any mirrors in your house? How dare you part your fugly lips to call another person ugly when you look like you’ve taken a beating or two with the ugly stick?

Busted chicks that complain about dudes not being up to their standards

“...this nigga aint got no real job he doing home improvement work with his father he aint getting no W2 for that shit and he got the nerve to be riding around in 94’ piece a shit...” I hear one of these types of rants like twice a week and when I turn my head I see some busted ran down looking broad; when I’m expecting to see somebody that would be able to grace a magazine cover or at least ride passenger seat no tint. But nope without fail it’s some mud duck going on some dude. Look here you busted baby if you were better looking yeah you could get a better dude and I know that’s some superficial shit to say but that’s just the way shit is. Busted women end up with sub par dudes unless the busted chick is paid it’s male gold diggers out there too.

Grown ass men with Mohawks

I know all these music videos, professional athletes, and TV stars are starting to rub off on you and they make you feel like you can pull it off. Nah you’re dead wrong. You look like a fucking idiot. Mohawk weren’t meant for regular people. Native Americans don’t even wear Mohawks and they invented the hairstyle,
So here’s a list of people that should never rock a Mohawk.

If you never counted out 10k of your own money no Mohawk for you
If you don’t own a fashion boutique or hair salon (not a barbershop) you can’t do a Mohawk
If you have a dress code or you have to wear a uniform to work no Mohawk for you.
If you go to your barber and say “Give me a Mohawk” and he looks at you as if he’s waiting you to say “I’m just bullshitting” no Mohawk for you
If you think your friends will make jokes about you for months to come then no Mohawk for you

My City not repping My City

I’m sick and fucking tired of walking into DTLR, Footlocker, Lidz, or any other spot they might carry Fitted Caps and see 1000 hats in every color of the rainbow except the Nationals. How the fuck do you have 100 hats and only 2 of them have anything to do with the city you’re operating in? Maybe if I go to NYC I can rack up on National hats because we got all the Yankee joints down here.

Dumb Ass Tattoos

Some people treat their bodies like a scratch pad and when the moment hits them they are off to the tattoo shop to get Bugs Bunny shooting dice holding a bottle of Moet or they might just grab one of those cliché tats that I love so much like the panther, the 2pac cross, tribal arm band and the classic dog/tiger paw prints. Put some thought into your tat and try to be slightly original. Do you really want to be 50 with Jessica Rabbit in a Bikini on your back or even worst dropping 1200+ on tattoo removal so it could look like somebody poured hot acid on your arm?

Local rappers selling their CD’s on the street

No boom box, no freestyle, just a poorly package CD with a name scribbled on with a black Sharpie. “Son show love, I’m just trying to get my music out there and it’s that crack. I’m letting them go for 5” is like the standard spiel. I used to toss 5 dollar bills out to these dudes until I had about 25 CDs sitting on my kitchen counter that I never heard. So one day I grabbed the stack and headed to work to give them a listen. Every single disk; every single track just horrible and I don’t mean just sound bad I mean atrocious in every aspect from the horrible production, the recycled beats, to 3rd grade rhyming patterns. I mean how many times can I hear “Vest”, “Chest”, and “Rest” rhymed together at the end of a bar? Now when those dudes walk up on me I just say “I don’t listen to rap”. Plus I can get 3 for 10 from my bootleg man of shit I actually want to here; Officer Ricky here I come.

People will always do dumb shit and as long as ya’ll keep reading I'mma keep writing
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, March 30, 2009

JD’s list of things straight men shouldn’t do

Take pictures of themselves
You may fresh out of the barbershop with the greatest shape-up ever or just left the gym feeling super ripped and the feeling hits you to make this a Kodak moment. But before you start that bathroom/drivers seat photo shoot ask yourself a few simple questions a. is this gay? b. would I be ashamed if my friends saw me doing this and c. how cool do I look right now pointing this camera at myself? If you can live with the answers to those questions go head point and click and I hope all your pictures come out fabulous.

Using text jargon in regular conversation
Straight nameless dude (SND) - OMG she is so phat!
JD - What the fuck? (Not WTF because in real life we don’t use acronyms for everyday phrases we just say that shit)
SND - Dude she is phat
JD - Nah say exactly what you just said
SND - Oh my God shorty is so phat
JD - No say it exactly like you said it; no remix no edit say what you just said verbatim
SND - OMG she is so phat
JD - Dude are you a 17 year old white girl? Why the fuck is OMG even in your vocabulary? OMG you’re a fucking lame. Now LOL at that.

Wear skinny jeans
It’s one type of guy that can get away with wearing skinny jeans and still get respect they are called rock stars. Are you a rock star? Do you have fans? Have you ever performed to a sold out crowd? Plus if you and your girl are wearing the same size jean who’s really the man in the relationship? Dude I can see the outline of you calf muscle take that dumb shit off. It could be me but I’ve never had the urge to see the outline of my package thru my pants.

Can’t wear skinny jeans because my pride won’t fit
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, March 20, 2009

In Current New Volume II

AIG retention bonus checks
The unemployment rate is 8.2% so that like one in twelve folks with no job. Turn on CNN or MSNBC for about 15 minutes at any given time to hear about some company doing massive layoffs. In an economy were we have folks with MBA’s restocking shelves at Target and make cappuccino at Starbucks, and job fairs with 4000 plus in attendance to fill 300 positions AIG is handing out 170 million to hold on to the “Wall Street Hedge Fund creating” talent. Where the fuck would they go? The only thing less desirable than an AIG employee from the Financial Products division is probably the former CEO of Enron. In today’s economy any check other than an unemployment check is a retention bonus check. Matter of fact I’m looking at my retention bonus check right now.

Those slopes are mean have taken down a white celeb or two in my lifetime Sonny Bono, Michael Kennedy, and now Natasha Richardson hit her head on the bunny slope and died she died son (Wikipedia actually has a list of celebrity skiing deaths; Google it). I went skiing once when I was still in high school and I didn’t get fucked up but my homie Kerry Ann Phipps did (she’s white and she’s on FB look her up) and she was an experienced skier. They took her to hospital strapped to a stretcher with neck brace and all. Take it from me or those dead rich people stay the fuck off them slopes. Whose idea was it anyway to tie wood planks to your feet then slide down a snow covered mountain?

Donte Stallworth kills man with Bentley
All I can say is damn here we go again. Why the fuck do these BLACK athletes keep doing dumb shit? Do ya’ll get these million dollar deals and lose your fucking minds. Joe Flacco ain’t never ran a dog fighting ring, Brian Urlacher ain’t never shot himself up in the club, and Brett Farve ain’t never told the police he was in a rush to go get some head. On the other hand you can almost set your watch by the next dumb move a black man whose job is based on getting a ball across a line or in hoop is going to make. What good is being a millionaire if you spend it all on lawyers and court fees? I guess on the bright side you’ll be the richest dude in prison.

At least stupid athletes ain’t fucking up my economy
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, March 6, 2009

Drinking Rules for the Single Man in the Club

1. Pretty women normally don't buy drinks; that's your job.

2. Never offer to buy a woman (that you don't already know) a drink who's not standing at the bar unless you have pull with the bartender. Chances are she won't follow you to the bar and she might not be standing in the same place waiting you to bring her that drink. Carrying a drink in a martini glass is just as bad as drinking from one.

3. Waving your hands in the air to get attention at the bar is one of the best ways to make you lose cool points; just wait. When you finally get the bartenders attention tip well he'll remember and the next trip to the bar won't be as long as the one before.

4. Beer, anything sweet, and anything with milk gives you bad breath.

5. Anything with citrus, gin and tonic, and vodka with cranberry gives you good breath.

6. Always carry gum or mints.

7. You should never drink anything that comes in a martini glass at least not if you're interested in women.

8. The only acceptable fruit in a man's drink is a wedge of lime or lemon in your Corona or on the rim of your cocktail glass. No cherries, no strawberries, no pineapple.

9. Before you drink your champagne straight from the bottle look at the crowd around now decide if that would be the best move. If the person standing next you is dressed like or is Jim Jones feel free to go bottoms up but if the crowd is full of blazer and button ups find yourself a glass.

10. The more you drink the dumber you sound; talk less or drink less.

11. The more you drink the more you spit while talking; talk less or drink less.

12. The more you drink the less charming you become; talk less or drink less.

13. If you stumble over your own feet more than once it's time to call it a night.

14. Never drink rail liquor so when you order that next Long Island Iced Tea or Blue Motorcycle make sure you say premium liquor. You'll thank me in the morning. (Rail liquor is those bottles of 3 dollar vodkas and 2 dollar cognacs that will give you a hang over from hell)

15. The female bartender is taken.

16. Dancing with a drink in your hand is only successful when you drinking from a bottle (beer, champagne, or whatever); so taking that Goose and cranberry to the floor is a no go. Plus if you spill a drink in Ms. Tonight’s hair she will surely become Ms. Missed Opportunity.

Have fun and drink responsibly your reputation may be on the line
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Rules to having a successful “Jump Off” relationship

***Some folks don’t think it can be done i.e. CaShawn***

Before I get started a Jump Off relationship is a temporary thing it’s more of a quick fix until the next “real thing” comes along or the sex gets old (which ever comes first). Now with that understood on with the response...

You can’t plan a jump off; it kind of just happens like when you got this great face to face sexual chemistry but talking on the phone with each other is about as stimulating as watching the Emergency Broadcast Signal on loop.

Having a jump off doesn’t mean saying “Look here I’m only going to call you when I need to get my rocks off” it’s more like an unspoken understanding once you speak on it you’ve tainted it and you might as well cancel that jump off ASAP. Being in a jump off situation doesn’t mean calls and text messages that start at midnight either; you can enjoy the company of your jump off outside of the bedroom but you understand that she will never be your girlfriend or vice versa.

And now the rules...

1. Being in a Jump Off relationship is a two-way street you both have to have the same mind set there is no room for jealousy or territorialism. In other words you have to be able to share and even let go if need be. Please wrap your head around that concept.

2. You must retain an “Oh well” nonchalant attitude if you can’t take the heat you can’t do a jump off relationship

3. Frequency kills. If you getting up with her once or twice a month you’re good, once or twice every 3 months is golden, but once or twice a week you’re headed for trouble.

4. There are no upgrades. This is the best it’s going to get you can only go down from here or fade away.

5. The moment you stop having fun WALK AWAY

Follow these rules and you too can have Jump Off success emotional unscarred and soul intact despite what PBG might have to say.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

In Current News (Just my thoughts)

200 pound chimp rips lady’s face off
I don’t want any pets that I can’t beat (man vs. beast) point plank period. If I buy a Pit-bull, Saint Bernard, Poodle, or the fucking gecko from the Geico commercials and I pull the leash and can’t move that motherfucker the next stop is the pound. Folks out here buying these exotic animals they can control have you learned nothing from Siegfried and Roy. What the fuck does a middle age woman need with a car stealing, Zoloft taking, 200 pound monkey? Buy a cat that shit never gets played out. If you stab a monkey with an 8 inch blade and he takes it in stride you know you done fucked up right. Does Hallmark have a “Sorry my monkey ripped your face off get well soon” card?

Ok Sammy Sosa, Mark McGuire, Barry Bonds, David Boston, Fernando Vargas, Marion Jones, A-Rod and any other professional athlete that took performance enhancing drugs deserves a special award. If no else tells you “thank you” I’m telling you. Thank you for risking your hairline, career, penis, and your place in the hall of fame all for my entertainment. Yeah I know the better you play the more you make, but 250 million still can’t buy me a new ding-a-ling or replace these naturally flowing locs that are going down my back. A-Rod juice up all you like and hit a million homers; I hope the Yankees give you a billion dollars and I’ll watch all your highlights on Sportscenter in new admiration because you risked your dick to hit a ball far.

Chris Brown beat up Rihanna
Ok Chris Breezy beat Rihanna like a runaway slave and that’s some tough shit. She’ll probably sell like a million sympathy CD’s and her wounds will heal. Face it this beat down will turn into a come up for this young lady. Now on the other hand Shamika who lives 3 doors down from you is getting a mud hole stomped in her ass twice a month and can’t even get a lifetime movie but nobody gives a fuck either. Maybe we are giving these MILLIONAIRES a little too much of our attention.

Obama approval rating dropping
News flash people: Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was the global economy. It took 5 days to get water to New Orleans after Katrina. Did you really think that less than 30 days in office Obama was going to revitalize the economy, bring our troops home, and bring balance to the force in the universe? If so you’re a fucking idiot. The truth is it has yet to be seen if Obama is a great president or not and you won’t know it in the first 30 days nor the first 100 days or maybe even the first year. The good news is no matter how bad he might seem to the people that lack the ability to see pass next pay day he can’t be worst than Bush.

Hey these are just my thoughts
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, January 26, 2009

The O’Reilly Factor

So the other day I’m watching a clip from Bill O’Reilly show the O’Reilly Factor and he and Dennis Miller are going on Jay-Z and Young Jeezy over the lyrics in the My President is Black remix and some other slick shit they said while on stage at Love. Now I can’t quote them word for word but what was said on stage was some harsh shit towards Bush. Dennis (who was a big critic of Bush anyway half of his show went to bashing GW) and Bill O’Reilly said things like Jay-Z should know better and who is this Jeezy. I guess getting swallowed up in Obama-mania they forgot to see who these two dudes are. They are rappers not the Dixie Chicks the people who they market their music to can’t possibly care less about what derogatory shit they say about bush. Oh yeah and they are rappers not elected officials, presidents of the NAACP, or the official ambassadors of the black people. And one more time they are rappers, matter of fact these two particular rappers made their millions talking about drugs, expensive cars, lavish living, and degrading women. Any comments they make in reference to any political standing can neither add nor take away any wind from Obama sails or any other politician for that fact.

First Luda now Hov dude find some real news to talk about

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Economy Sucks Because of YOU

*** 90% of people with fucked up credit are just like 90% of people addicted to crack they all knew what the fuck they were doing but just went for it anyway ***

Remember about 10 years back when they were handing out credits cards like candy on Halloween. I remember I was cutting thru HU campus just trying to see what I could see because having a Howard chick on my team was like winning an Oscar back then. So here I am standing in front of the library looking around and see this beautiful chick standing about 30 feet from me handing out these little applications and giving away clock radios to everyone that fills one out. I walk my happy ass over there to get a better look at this chick and get me some free shit. She hands me an application for Manhattan-Chevy Chase Master Card and tells me if I fill it out now I’ll be entered in a drawing for some other shit and I get this free clock radio now. Honest to god truth the limit on the card was only $250 I had at least 4 times in my pocket at the time (Yeah I was getting it like that) and the clock radio was made by like ‘Daniel Sonn Electronics’, but I filled it out with BS info away just to get another chance to chop it up with Ms. Credit Card. I didn’t get that follow up chance to rap to Ms. Credit Card because these students were on credit like it was good coke. As I started my trek back towards the block with clock radio in hand I couldn’t understand why anybody would be so damn press to have 250 only to pay it back with crazy interest. For college students the kids sure were stupid I don’t give a fuck what the SAT score said.

As I got older I noticed my friends were swipe champions every other purchase was put on a credit card. When they bought semi-major purchases like furniture and major electronics they were quick to whip out that Hecht’s/JC Penny/Macy’s/Sears card. Why pay 800 now when you can pay 50 dollars a months for the next 2 years? I know why because I can pay 800 right now instead of paying 1200 later. Having a wallet full of charge cards was like a status symbol.

When I was about 24 or 25 I would step into some girls’ spots and that shit would be laid the fuck out. Leather furniture, 32 inch TV’s and DVD players (this was before a DVD player was like 20 bucks) in every room, closet full of fly shit and a 04 whip sitting out front. I’d be like damn shorty doing it over here. Her whole life was financed wasn’t shit that house hers except the food in the fridge. Credit was allowing folks to live way beyond their means. Shit you can’t afford today you can still get it today just pay for it later plus interest.

Credit got bigger than little pieces of plastic that fit in your wallet. Credit introduced the interest only loan that appealed to all these folks that were already living on credit. “So let me get this right I can move into this 400k house and pay $100 less than I’m paying in rent right now for the next 5 years.” Folks were running to buy houses and leaving apartment buildings empty. I know real estate agents that were making 10k-15k a month in commission. Every Tom Dick and Mary was taking a real estate class and getting a license. Flipping property was the new hustle; buying a house for 100k put new windows and a tub in it then sell it for 160k.

Then prices of houses skyrocketed when the average income didn’t improve to allow more folks to continue buy houses like they were before. The foreclosures came when those interest only years ended and that $1100 mortgage became $2800 a month. The creditors started calling you to pay off that sectional couch, bedroom set, and entertainment system you bought in 2000 when you first move out on your own and Eastern Motors wanted their car back.

Department stores, credit card companies, car companies, cell phone companies, banks, and every other business in between built empires and jobs based on money your ass didn’t have to start with. When folks didn’t have real money they started spending future money. One fool with a credit card living beyond his means didn’t bring the house down but it was millions of you buying shit you couldn’t afford and fucked up for everybody.

This ain’t a recession it’s a fucking reality check live within your means
Jean DeGrate has spoken

If ‘It ain’t tricking if you got it’ then what the fuck is it?

“I can put you in a long cabin way out in Aspen. It ain’t tricking if you got it girl what you asking for?” - T-Pain

First let’s get this out of the way I got a little money. I might not be able to ride Bentley or buy the bar 7 days out the week but I can stunt a little bit. I been known to cause sudden down pour or two in the strip club and even pop a bottle on a regular basis. Shit the outfit I got on right now cost about G on the low.

Tricking - to spend or give excessive money to another person in order to lure them into sexual relations.

Let me give a few examples...

If you buy your girl friend flowers that’s not tricking
If you buy your favorite stripper flowers now that’s tricking

If you are a Ruby Tuesday’s type of guy and take your girl to Morton’s for her birthday that’s not tricking.
If you are a Ruby Tuesday’s type of guy and you take Ms Phat Booty to Morton’s now that’s tricking.

Tricking (The JD definition) - if your spending and stunting with money that you wouldn’t just blow on the regular basis in hopes that you might/will get a shot of ass you’re tricking point blank period.

Now on with the blog

For some strange reason it’s been a surge of tricking anthems on the radio. TI with “You can have whatever you like” and T-Pain with “Can’t believe it” are the type of songs that are trumping the airwaves. I need to know why our artists are telling us its okay to trick; if you can afford it it’s cool to pay for pussy.

I grew up in under the understanding that paying for sex was lame and doing things way out of character to win of the affections of a female was even lamer. I was taught to be charming and polite; not to flaunt a bank roll. When large sums money was spent on a female it wasn’t necessarily a special occasion maybe I just felt like buying my girl (my girl not Lisa from the club last night) something, but it damn sure wasn’t to get me into her pants. Living by these standards and just being myself has kind of made me a ladies man. I’ve been getting it in since 1990 on my own accord.

On the other end of the spectrum I guess it’s better to buy a chick a bag or some shoes and see where that gets you. Is every dude looking for the new Robin Givens? If you’re looking for a hoe why not just hand the bitch a stack and take her back to the hotel? Instead they spoil these gold diggers like a phat ass and a cute face is enough to play the wife spot. Save some money and call an escort service guaranteed ass and prices up front. Yeah it’s still tricking but at least you keeping 100.

Fuck what TI and them talking about I’m on that Ne-Yo shit Ms Independent where you at?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

I Love Your Girl

***Yeah I’m on my player shit here so this one is for the fellas***

“Part of me feels so bad for you but not that bad because if you were me you’d fuck my girl too” - Jean DeGrate

Kicking it with a girl in a relationship is like renting and expensive car. You get all the perks but none of the bullshit like the maintenance or the car note. Let me paint you a picture... Her man is out of town/ out doing him/ they just plain beefing then she tosses on her freak’em dress and tell you to meet her at the Boom-Boom Room AKA whatever spot is popping. Ya’ll chilling, eating, drinking, laughing; just overall having a hell of time then take in back your place/ the hotel for some late night activities just to have her wake up at 4a put her clothes back on and head back into the night. Trust she won’t be blowing up your phone the next day or even expecting a call from you. It’s like the perfect night and it’s nothing like waking up alone.

See dating somebody else’s girl should only be that and end there. No need to try to replace her man you need her man. He’s the one that has to hear her complain about her job, her period, her “whatever the fuck is pissing her off” that in turn she will also make his problem. You’ve never seen her with a bad hair day or no make up or sick with a piece of toilet paper stuck up her nose (that shit ain’t sexy). Truthfully you should be his biggest fan yeah you might foot the bill on the drinks, the meal, and movies but he’s paying for everything else (like her hair that you just fucked all up). So when he’s putting up money on the lights and the cable bill try to remember not to On Demand nothing to he wouldn’t want to see.

Unfortunately dating someone else’s girl doesn’t last to long either she gets paranoid, he gets an idea of what going on and your phone rings with her name but his voice, or she decides to cut him off and tries to put a lock on you (can’t do that). Enjoy the ride while it last because the pros always out weigh the cons.

Why fuck a girl that in a relationship? Because she is going to fuck somebody I rather it be me.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Your Girl is My Jump Off

***Before I even start into this blog and somebody thinks I’m laying the pipe to their girl, even thought I just might be, this blog ain’t about that.***

“My jump off never run off at the mouth so much; my jump of never ask why I go out so much; my jump off never has me going out of my way and she don’t want nothing on Valentine’s day”
- Joe Budden

Jump Off - The girl you can get up with anytime. There wasn’t any elaborate dating process that lead up to this jump off situation ya’ll clicked ya’ll fucked and kept fucking. You don’t have to call her everyday or pretend like this thing of yours is working towards becoming a real relationship. Most conversations probably start with “What you doing tonight?” and end with “I’ll be there about 11.”

Remember when you were in the courting/ dating/ chilling stage with your current girl. Remember when she told you she had a friend well that friend is the nigga she was fucking with no strings attached. That was the nigga that was calling her when she was in the movies with you. That was the nigga she would call after you dropped her off from a night out on the town. When you would make moves and she would pump the breaks like she wasn’t down to go all the way but she was down just not with you not just yet.

Now that’s not always the scenario but it all boils that to the fact that the chicks that might have been your girl in the past or the girl currently on your arm has most likely played the jump off to some dude. It was something about that dude that just made her come off that pussy and you didn’t have that. Even the great Jean DeGrate has bunned a former jump off or 2 in my time. Trust if you’re not way up the game you’re not ready to hear you girl used to catch the cab from one side of town to the next for a shot of ass then hopped back in a cab to take her home on her own dime.

At the end of the day ain’t none of these girls angels just like ain’t none of us dudes saints. She might have sold you that dream that she don’t be doing anything like that or my personal favorite “I only been with 5 dudes”. My girl might have been your jump off like I know for sure somebody that’s reading this their girl has been mine.

Hey I’m just keeping it 100
Jean DeGrate has spoken

You were making good music so where did you go?

Southern Hummingbird is one of my favorite all-time CD’s. It’s definitely one of the best R&B CD’s ever. It’s so soulful so smooth from track to track the transition is flawless. I have at least one Tweet conversation a month so I’m not the only person out here wondering what the fuck happened. Missy stop making these crazy ass songs and awful videos then go track Tweet down lock her in the studio with a carton of Newport’s, a guitar and half gallon on Hennessy and let’s get another CD out by 1st quarter 2009.

Dave Hollister
Truth be told when Dave left Blackstreet I thought he was a fucking fool. Come on now Teddy Riley was a musically genius I know nobody is still listening to any old Guy shit now but back then they were the shit and even though Wrecks n effect was a one hit wonder “Rumpshaker” is still kind of a classic. So just the chance to work with Teddy Riley meant you were going to see some serious money and make some good even though ultra-contemporary music. With that being said just being part of Blackstreet was major come up. When he dropped “Ghetto Hymns” I was like its okay but you were better off with Teddy and them and I had that same feeling when “Chicago ’85” drop I didn’t really feel that CD until late 02. But when I did man that shit was crazy and it wasn’t that over sexed bullshit Teddy and them was putting out. The music he was making is just as relevant in 99 as it is 08. Dave I know you making the Lords music now but do you think you could slide a “Chicago ‘86” out there for us. Thanks in advance.

Just like Tweet I guess Maxwell just said fuck the studio, but unlike Tweet; Maxwell had hit after hit. You and bush was getting radio play to the point that you owned the second half of the 90’s. To top it off you were making real good music a like a Marvin Gaye/Prince hybrid. Every single every CD you were getting a gold or platinum plaque so what the fuck happened? Not that I’m tired of “Now”, “Embrya” or “Urban Hang Suite”, but adding a forth CD to that list would be hot.

Who are your artists that were doing it back in the day and just fell off the map?
Jean DeGrate has spoken


***I’m with Obama trust that. Every single Obama fundraiser they had at my club I was handing out 50’s and 20’s to the cause like they were 5’s and 10’s. Yeah I never wore that Obama-wear nor did I feel the urge to purchase anything with his likeness or his name on it. At the same time I’m not going to knock the next cat who put the bumper sticker on his whip or the Obama T-shirt on his back before November 4th.***

I live in the heart of Obama-mania let’s call it Obama-Ville formerly known as Washington DC. So maybe my view on Obama-mania is a bit harsh to say the least.

And now the venting begins...

Part of History
Here is the good news on November 4th 2008 when you casted a ballot for Barack Obama you played your part in history. You and millions of other Americans of all different races religions and political standings got up and voted a black man into the Oval Office. Now here’s the bad news the moment you casted the vote your moment in history ended it’s fucking over. Standing in line for 3 hours to get a news paper doesn’t cement your place in history. Flying, driving, busing, or training into DC to stand in a crowd of 4 million others with the same delusional idea that they are part of history guess what; still not part of history. You’re just another person standing in the cold who would have been better off watching it at home. Trust me HDTV in the comfort and warmth of your own home will have much better views of Obama swearing in or you can chose to fight thru all the check points only to stand 20 football fields away from somebody standing 10 football fields away from Obama.

Buying Obama
Buying Obama Hennessy, O-jamas (Obama pajamas I heard the radio ad yesterday), Obama key chains, Obama T-shirts, Obama quarters, Obama 2 dollar bills (Selling them on QVC), Obama plates (just think for 29.95 you can eat off of Barack’s face) or anything else the street venders and right up to corporate American can think to stick his likeness/name/logo on doesn’t mean shit after November 2nd. You people are like the people who became Patriot fans after they won the super bowl. The economy is fucked up so before you drop 5 or 50 bucks on BS that will end up in your basement covered in dust buy a CD from Best Buy or a cup of coffee from Star Bucks they closing stores and laying off folks left and right.

So on January 20th when my cell phone doesn’t work and my streets are over crowded I’ll be blaming all you non-history making fools.

Dude ain’t did a day in office but he got my city standing on its head
Jean DeGrate has spoken

PS Obama-mania is also why I didn’t throw a party this year but I’ll make up for it on Super Bowl Sunday.