Friday, February 17, 2017

Eight Signs He Might Be a Square

I'm very pro women dating squares. I mean they are the best type of guys. It’s too many of you good women entertaining these Future ass nigga and you need to be fucking with a Russell Wilson type of guy. Future is going to be super fun but he ain’t going to treat you like a queen and when shit gets bad he’s going to sneak diss you on Instagram. Russell Wilson would never do anything like that and he’s going to accept you and your kids as a package deal.

Now I know a lot of you women having been ignoring Squares for so long that you would recognize one if held the door for you at Starbucks then paid for your coffee because it was just a nice thing to do. So I cooked up this little list so you good women folk could be able to better identify the potential Square gentleman callers.

1. He might be a square if he’s a “real” hip hop head
Nine out of ten squares are huge fans of baggy jeans early 90’s era rap. Then think all new rappers are trash with the exclusion of J. Cole, Kendrick Lamar and some arbitrary underground rappers you’ve never ever heard of. None of that Lil Uzi Vert bullshit will never get any play in his ride and if happens to come on the radio he’ll act as if someone was pouring acid in his ear.

2. He might be a square if he refuses to buy “expensive” sneakers
A square spend in excess of $300 on a pair of dress shoes that he might wear 4 times a year and won’t think twice about it. He’d rather wear a pair of “What are those” before he ever folks over a dollar to Michael Jordan, Lebron James or whatever other popular guy is dribbling a basketball for millions of dollars.

3. He might be a square if he’s had the same haircut for years
Squares don’t change their look without damn good reason (normally that reason is a receding hairline). They are creatures of habit and with that said if he got a low cut Caesar with a neck fade on his last barber shop visit chances are that’s the same haircut he gotten on his last 200 visits before.

4. He might be a square if he works on his own car and home
If nothing else squares are handy as fuck. Well beyond changing the oil and changing a flat tire. He can put in an alternator, change the exhaust pipes, and plug the holes in the radiator all with a wench set. They know him by name at Home Depot. He replaced his own water heater as a weekend project and as I’m writing this blog he’s probably thinking of redoing his kitchen and looking at cabinet replacements.

5. He might be a square if he wears his home ownership as a badge of honor
Squares love to tell you about their ownership of property and how important it is. They’ll randomly sprinkle it in conversation like…
“I swear it’s no decent restaurants around here”
“Yeah I know, that’s why I bought my house near the National Harbor so I could be close to good food.”
He’ll always remind of the perks of owning a home like tax deductions and the ever increasing property value.

6. He might be a square if he’s somewhat pro-black
Squares are always quasi pro-black. He’ll share that silly ass slaves being sold on Black Friday meme but he’ll be in line outside of Walmart at 11p on Thanksgiving Day trying to cop a 60 inch flat screen. (After all Jamal and them aren’t selling Samsung curved TV’s at %50 off.) He’ll support black business as long as he doesn’t have to go out of his way to do it. He talks about how racist America is but he’s a Redskin fan.

7. He might be a square if he’s a techy
Squares are normally finance savvy until it comes to their love of gadgets especially non-practical gadgets. He has a drone that’s collecting dust. He has a remote control the size of an iPad with a touch screen display that control everything in his house. He’s probably the only person still using the Siri feature on his iPhone and he was the first guy with Fire Stick with Kodi on it.

8. He might be a square if he refuses to wear slim fit pants and jeans
He needs space in his pants pockets for his cell phone, wallet, car keys, that mini orange New Testament only bible, a deck of cards, a 20 oz soda, a rolled up magazine and up to 7 dollars in loose change.  The idea of joggers burdens his soul and reminisces over the days when he could buy a pair of regular sweatpants from Macy’s. He’s a dad jean aficionado and if his dress pants don’t fit like they’re fresh out of the Steve Harvey collection they’re not for him.

I just gave you the tools to recognize the square of your dreams ladies; happy hunting
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, February 13, 2017

Her Sexual History Translator

I know some you guys just have to know or at least have to have a general idea of her body count and I got you fam because I speak fluent Womanese. But me personally I'm on my Mario Winans shit; I don't want to know excluding sex tapes, eating ass and of course boy, boy, girl threesomes. That's the no fly zone. So let me get the legal out of the way right fast then we can jump into it.

Due to the sexual non-disclosure act of 2003 it is currently illegal in all 50 states and associated US territories to ask a woman her body count. It doesn't matter if you're dating Mother Teresa of Cherokee Da Ass; all inquiries directly relating to her number of sexual partners are strictly forbidden and can possibly be met with hostile backlash including social media clap backs and questioning your manhood and insecurities. You can legally inquire about sexual acts such as threesomes, girl on girl action, and so on and so forth, but that is the extent of direct sexual history questioning.

Fortunately there's a work around and it requires a great amount of listening and estimation that will get you in the general ball park of her actual body count. Remember the American Pie "multiply by 3" rule? That would be valid if you were dating a high school senior but once she crosses that graduation stage all that shit goes out of the window and it wouldn't matter because of course you're not allowed to ask.

Ok let's get into it
First you have your known unknowns
Chances are if she's over 25 she's had a one night stand, a guy in the friendzone that temporarily escaped from the friendzone to capture the cheeks only to be sent immediately back to the friendzone and/or sex with a celebrity. (Side note - the term "celebrity" starts with having in excess of 20k Twitter or Instagram followers and leading right up to Sean Puffy Combs.) You will probably never be privy to this information so just add 1 out of general principle. She will subconsciously omit these sexual expeditions unless directly faced with them. I.E. when that random "one night stand" guy accidently comes across her Facebook account and sends her a friend request accompanied by a "Hey stranger" DM. And evidently once the story of their encounter is told to you he’ll be upgraded from "One night stand" to "a guy she used to talk to". The story will probably go something like this...
"See this is why I need to get off Facebook. People are always randomly finding me like this guy I used to "talk to" that just started messaging me. If it wasnĺt for family I would have been deactivated this shit." Add plenty of fake outrage for desired annoyed effect.

Second you have "talked to"
Talked to is very vague and the definition should be gauged on a case by case basis. Seriously "talked to" can mean something as light as "we used to text" right up to "he had a key to my apartment and two designated dresser draws", but never actually acquired a title. On average it's 65% chance he fucked and if not it's an 85% chance he came off of some "platonic" head. (Platonic head - when a gentleman caller offers up that mouth without achieving sex as the end game.)

Third you have "dated"
Dating and "talked to" often cover the same ground in the semantics division but the percentage of them actually having sex jumps immediately to 90%. So write this down for every 10 guys she "dated" 9 of them captured the vagina.

Fourth and finally you have "relationships"
The exes seem like it would be really clear cut BUT women tend to reevaluate the relationship retrospectively.  Boyfriends get deleted all the time Bih. She might have been claiming a guy 3 years ago this time; posting "Usies" and relationship goals all over social media and one day she'll wake up and deemed him "ain't shit" then delete every traces of him from IG and remove him from her pussy resumé.  (Side note - being deemed "ain't shit" doesn't necessarily speak ill of his character or his treatment towards her. Ain't shitness has been known to be labeled to guys whom have recently found love, had a child or simply stopped responding to text messages in a timely fashion. All of this is intricately detailed under the 1980 act of Once Mine Always Mine exclusively prohibiting men from ever moving on in life.) Rule of thumb for the number of relationships listed is tack on 25%.

Ok that's the math go forward and flourish but knowledge isn't necessarily power in this case
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Double Standards that aren’t going anywhere anytime soon

So a few days ago I’m scrolling thru social media and I came across a meme that read something to the effect of…

“I never understood why a woman is supposed to be a “ride or die” chick that stays with a man helping him to become the man she deserves. A man on the other hand is never told to stay with a woman while she finds herself. A man will always look for that perfect woman but women are supposed to settle for building a project.”

First off, I laughed long and hard. It was hilarious. Second I sat thought who the fuck wrote this? I really want to have a conversation with this person. If you know her please forward my info. Third I decided to write this here blog and if you were wondering yes, I will be getting back around to that meme.

We have come a very long way with gender roles and matters that used to be exclusively man or woman affairs are now for everybody. Go girl power and shit. In the words of the poet laureate Annie Lennox delivered via the vocals of Aretha Franklin “Sister are doing it for themselves, standing on their own two feet and ringing on their own bells”. Unfortunately we aren’t on completely equal ground quite yet and to be perfectly honest the majority of the remaining double standards favor the fairer sex.

Building a project mate
And yes you guessed I’m back to the meme. And yes its true men don’t typically take on projects with the exception of guys like Tyga that will date you when you’re 16 and just hold out until you’re legal. Men don’t date potential. Guys meet a woman and pretty much take her as is; there aren’t any grand plans to renovate and that’s because there is no pay off. He starts dating a girl that’s the working the register at Target and sticks in there with her for a few years and now she’s the district manager. Congrats, but when the bill comes at the end of the meal he’s still going to pay it. He’s not going retire from Metro early become a house husband. Now on the flipside when women invest in a project mate it’s a payoff (if the project is successful, I mean he might be an open mic rapper forever). He started out mopping the floor, now he’s washing lettuce. Soon he’ll be on fries; then the grill. In a year or two, he’ll make assistant manager and that’s when the big bucks start rolling in. As he climbs the socioeconomic ladder the lady in his life will directly benefit in a tangible way. She might even make her way up to house wife status.

Women are cheerleaders and I mean that in a very non-sexist way. They’re here to tell you to stick with it when the road to your dreams gets rough. They’re here to listen to your trash ass mixtape and pretend like you’re spitting hot fire (no Dylan). They’ll always be there sitting in the front row rooting you. Now male support on the other hand actually involves cash, physical effort, counselling and a splash of cheering on. If you open a store; a man will invest and be there to help you unload the inventory, put up shelves, replace the lights and check for mouse droppings. That’s some man ass shit to do and that’s what is expected of us.

Splitting these bills
Equality comes to a dead halt when it comes to bills in a relationship. A man could move in with a woman with 4 pre-existing kids and would still be expected to cover half the bills at the very least. Being a man is all about bringing home the bacon and taken care of the household financially. No matter how far ahead society moves we don’t seem to be moving away from this any time soon.

Getting what you deserve
Men deserve what we earn. Nothing is given. Those are the rules on page one of the man handbook. It’s located at your local Barnes and Nobles. You win over and earn the affections of the women you want. You put in the hours to get the money to buy nice shit. Men work hard to achieve goals and the men that are handing things without putting in the hard work are seen as less than other men. Women on the other hand “deserve” things by simply existing they come to justify it. Women deserve the finer things in life even if they make minimum wage. Women deserve a good man with nothing palpable to warrant it. "I’ve dated too many lames, kissed too many frogs; I deserve my prince charming."

The ladies man vs the whore
Women lose here. I’m not even going to make the argument; unless you’re Rihanna or Amber Rose. If you are hit my DM’s.

These double standards are written in stone well into the foreseeable future
Jean DeGrate has spoken