We're comfortably into Cuffing Season and hopefully if you’re reading this you’ve won the Thanksgiving championship game and you’re lining up Christmas, New Year’s and snowed in plans. Hip. Hip. Hooray and shit. Ok before I get into this there will be no male counterpart to this blog because the woman most likely to smash your man on a break is a woman that has a functioning vagina. But seriously, the criteria is really thin; half way decent looking and willing to have sex.
Break sex is just as real with women as it is with men but women don’t pop up with break babies like Dwayne Wade and Mandeecee (Yandy hold your head son even though those bundles look mad heavy). Unlike us men folk; there’s always a person literally in earshot waiting to be called off the bench for the break sex opportunity with YOUR girl. So without further ado here are the guys most likely to fuck your girl…
1. The dick in the glass
There’s always a dick in the glass dude lurking. He might be some old work from not too long ago. He might be dude who was in the running for the pussy before you took her off the market. He might be some dude she randomly flirts with at the gym/the Starbucks/the train station and she already has his info stored in her phone under “Janet from accounting”. He’s out there and well in reach. All it takes is a solid blow up and 24 hours of non-communication and his phone is going to ring because in her mind you’re already fucking “some other bitch” (her words not mine).
2. The work husband
Little do you know the work husband is always 3 shots of patron at a random after work happy hour away from fucking your girl with or without a break. The truth is her work a husband is going to get way more quality time in than you ever will. Five days a week for 8 hours a day he’s catering, listening and waiting for his window of opportunity.
3. The baby daddy
Some women detest loathe and hate (and yes I know all 3 words are synonyms for one another but I needed you to feel me) the father of their child or children, and more times than not, it has absolutely nothing to do with his parenting ability or being a provider for the kids. We aren’t talking about those women right now. Now for the baby daddies that range from slight disfavor all the way up to “seriously why we not together” are always prime targets for easy break sex. It’s clutch because they can fuck and then go back to talking about who’s turn it is to sell fundraiser shit at their job. The baby daddy is easily the most dangerous one on the list because after he smashes shit won’t get weird and won’t leave a trace (he’s also probably going to hit it raw).
4. The funny local guy on social media
I know what you’re thinking. I know and I’m sorry because I’m sure one of you reading this I’ve fucked your girl. We’re not going to focus on that right now (or ever)… FOCUS on the message at hand… OK? Good. Let’s go. She’s always lightweight stalking some at least decent looking and funny guy on social media. She might do some coy flirting causing him to shoot his shot, be direct and slide in the DM’s or use Issa’s (Insecure) move and conveniently show up some place she knows he’s going to be. She has already filled in the gaps in her head of what he’s like in real life and all he has to do is half way live up to her made up expectations and it’s on.
It’s the truth and I would tell you to ask your girl but that would be indirectly promoting domestic violence. Ask the female homie for an honest answer but either way be on your best behavior and avoid breaks because that outside dick is waiting.
Jean DeGrate has spoken.