Monday, October 25, 2010

Unfortunate Truths

All of your life somebody has told you that you can be whatever you want to be or you can do whatever you put your mind to… Yeah that’s bullshit. I don’t mean to tap dance on your dreams, but that’s just the way it is. Since I’m a glass is half empty type of guy, here are a few unfortunate truths...

You’ll probably only ever be a baby momma.
Women out number men 4 to 1 off top; that means if you step foot in any maternity ward in any hospital on planet earth there will be more girls than boys. Once you toss in dudes in jail, dead dudes, dudes you just wouldn’t give the time of day, dudes that wouldn’t give you the time of day, and gay dudes you and the other chicks like you are 20 to 1 on a nigga. That pretty much means a single somewhat desirable dude will have way more options than you and 19 of you chicks will be baby mommas or lonely cat ladies. But, shout out to Fantasia she wrote a song for ya’ll isn’t that enough?

You’re average.
Average: typical, lacking any extraordinary, untypical, or exceptional characteristic - in other words… you. I know your parents told you that you were special and that you could be the president of the United States or an astronaut or an artist or a scientist; yeah that’s bullshit. I’m not going to say your parents were lying; I'm just going to go with “strongly misleading”. For every head of state, CEO, Grammy winner, Oscar winner or fuck it district manager of Footlocker there are 1000 custodians, burger flippers, bank tellers, cable guys and customer service reps. If you’re reading this you’re probably already the best that you can be. You won’t have books or movies telling your triumphant rise from mediocrity to assistant manager of Costco, sorry.

You’ll never ever EVER be rich.
You won’t hit the lotto. You won’t invent the next big thing. You won’t inherit millions from a long lost relative. Now that we got the foolishness out of the way, let’s touch on the reasons you won’t get rich that are well within your grasp. If you start a business chances are it will fail, and it’s a 50% chance that will happen in the first year. If you invest your money in a successful stock portfolio, you will make a profit but not enough to buy a yacht and retire in the south of France. Don’t quit your day job.

Even if you believe it, you probably still can’t achieve it.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, October 15, 2010

Disrespectful Things I’ve yet to Say Out Loud (to women)

If you know me you know that I have a knack for saying fucked up shit, it’s a gift and a curse, but I’m also known for speaking my mind (they should have never gave us niggas Twitter). Over the last few years I’ve somehow managed to go without saying a few things that even I would be like “Damn son that’s fucked up” and here are a few.

Hey There Unattractive
Every once in a while I’m faced with a truly unattractive women. I might bend a hard right or left, reading a text and suddenly look, or open a door a bit too fast and there she is standing directly in my field of vision close enough to point out every imperfection. The first thing that pops in my head is the overwhelming urge to say “Hey there Unattractive” almost as if it was a term of endearment. For the entire time she is within earshot that statement sits on the tip of my tongue waiting to jump out but I’ve fought it off this far.

How Did You Get This Job exactly (to busted strippers)?
I’ve never entered a strip-club that employed all dimes (and before you open your mouth to attempt to name one shut up because you ain’t been to one either) but needless to say some strip-clubs employee a few more unpleasant looking strippers than others. Meaning a one night stand with Maya Angelou would be a more attractive offer than sleeping with one of these busted ass strippers. I’m literally dying to walk up on one these horrid creatures and ask “how the hell did you get hired in this establishment?” Did you donate a kidney to the owners first born child? Do you have a sex tape of him and a goat? Are you secretly a part owner and doing this for kicks? I really need to know what you did on stage at your audition that made the powers that be say... “This girl right here is exactly what we need to shut the game down. You know how many other clubs are looking for borderline obese strippers with bad skin and stretch marks? She’s a fucking goldmine.”

So what look are you going for with that mustache?
Some women are hairier than others, that’s just a fact of life, but some women could get a part time job at the carnival as the bearded lady every time it comes to town. Some hairy chicks might rock that slight shadow but some chicks look like the missing member of The Whispers (Google them). Baby girl I know your grandmamma and them sold you that old Negro wise tale that if you shave or wax it, it will come back thicker well I got a cure for that shave it again. Would you rather rock a mustache 365 or just when you run out of shaving cream?

I still know how to hold my tongue a little bit
Jean DeGrate hasn’t spoken... yet

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Dress Code (The Mean Girls of Morehouse)

I’ve been working for the same company for 9 years. When I started we didn’t have a dress code and I work with a handful of white, some black folks and shit load of niggas, so you already know them niggas took full advantage of the non-existent dress code. We had women wearing tights, short skirts, halter tops, short shorts and some more shit. Men weren’t any better wearing jerseys, tank tops, baggy jeans, sweatpants, do-rags and fitted caps. Honest to God truth it was a lot of days I walked into the office looking like I was about to move a few grams of coke rather than sitting at desk at Fortune 500 company.

The first quarter of last year they installed a dress code; no shorts, T-shirts, hats, sweatshirts, sweatpants, tank tops, etc... Pretty much if you’re a guy you can wear jeans with polo shirts, button ups or sweaters and women could wear skirts and dress below the knee, blouses (what the fuck is a blouse anyway like exactly define blouse), polo shirts, sweaters and button ups. I was heated. I mean how the fuck are the powers that be going to come out of the blue and tell me I got to change my entire wardrobe up? I been here 8 years, wearing what the fuck I want. How I dress doesn’t effect how I do my job. I stare at a PC for 8 hours plus a day, I could do this job just as well if I was doing it in my boxers. I was writing letters to the union, arguing with union reps and just over all just had a fucked up disposition about the whole ordeal.

Then one of my friends told me if I don’t like it I can always quit. I could give up my benefits and my 6 figure pay then run down to DTLR and fill out an application. There I could wear all the T-shirts and hats my heart desired; I’d even get a discount on it. But I would benefit much more by staying with my current employer and just conforming to the newly added dress code. I was heated but he was dead on.

Today I was reading “The Mean Girls of Morehouse” (and article on about this group of disgruntled cross dressing students who feel they are the focus of the new dress code. For those who aren’t familiar with Morehouse it’s an all male HBCU and Dr Martin Luther King Jr. graduated from there, it’s like the black Yale. My friends Slick, Panama and Lou also graduated from there. So I’m fairly versed in what it means to be a Morehouse man. In today’s culture it’s damn near fucking impossible to go anywhere and not run across a gay man, consequently, it’s only safe to assume that there will be a great deal of gay men at Morehouse and there is nothing wrong with being a gay Morehouse man. Since 1867, Morehouse has been building the image of the Morehouse man but that man never had a dress on, carried a purse or wore high heels. Do I believe Morehouse is wrong for issuing a dress code that prohibits men from dressing as women? Fuck no. Do I believe the cross dressing males have a reason to be mad that the dress code was changed seemingly to target them? Fuck no. At the end of the day the cross dressing males have more to gain conforming to the newly instilled system than Morehouse has to lose. Maybe one day the Morehouse man will wear a dress, but it won’t be in the near future. The cross dressers got some press (hell they even got me to write this blog) but it won’t top being able to say you’re a Morehouse man any day gay straight or transgendered.

Sometimes you have to swallow your pride and see the bigger goal
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Dirty looks

A few of my homies and I have been playing around with the idea of dating white women, even though only one of us is really following thru (shout out to Kwesi). I’ve missed numerous planned Becky hunting outings and have yet to even spark a conversation with a woman outside of my race, prior to today that is.

I guess today I was looking slightly less mugger-like and more like a productive member of society, so a Becky (term for a young white woman) walked right up on me and asked me for directions, when it was a ample amounts of white all around us in downtown Silver Spring. Maybe it was the button up or my glasses or my lack of Air Jordan’s on my feet but once I gave her directions she stuck around and chopped it up with the boy. I’m friendly to members of the opposite sex, that I wouldn’t mine sticking my penis in, so I stood on the corner of Wayne Avenue and Colesville Road in downtown Silver Spring holding serious conversation with a blonde haired blue eyed white woman.

For a good 15 minutes I didn’t even realize the dirty looks the black women passing by where giving me. You would have thought I was in the heart of Birmingham ,Alabama during the Civil Rights movement. I could have sworn an old black woman mouthed to me “Boy you betta get away from that there white woman” and she was the whitest of the white women, she might have had Brooke Shields beat. Seriously, she looked like she could have been a surfer/skier/volleyball player/water polo player/any predominately white female sport player, her T shirt read “Going Green is HOT” and her blonde hair was slightly blowing in the wind, even though there was no breeze. I guess even I would have been like “what are these two people doing together?” but that doesn’t explain why every BLACK women was looking at me like I was the scum of the earth. Even the black women I saw on the regular, who have never parted their lips to speak to me, looked like they wanted to run up me and punch me in the face. I felt like Tiger Woods when black women found out all his jump-offs just happened to look just like Barbie. Why all the hate for talking to a white girl?

Damn what I do?
Jean DeGrate is wondering

Let Me Get That Up Off You

***Shout out to Panama Jackson of VSB I stole this blog from him***

Friday I was doing my daily visit to and my man Panama (I can say my man because I actually know this guy was talking about all the things he gave to females that he wish he could get back. I got to thinking; it’s a gang of shit that I’ve doled out to chicks over the years and how much I would love to have all that shit back.

Those 8 hours of sleep I gave up fucking with you
Girl from FaceBook, which I had something like a one night stand with, (and for the duration of this section you’ll be known as FBG). FBG I thought you had something I stayed up on the phone with you until 4am like I didn’t have to go to work the next morning. The next day I was drowsy as fuck doing a half assed job and spent most of my day sneaking naps in but I was cool with it because you seemed cool as shit. That following night you went from stand up chick to part-time roller with the help of a few glasses of Patron (you’re my nigga). I’m not mad that I got the pussy easy I’m mad you hyped that mediocre pussy up and I went to work a second day sleepy as fuck again. The silver lining is, that episode made a great story to tell the homies, many laughs were had thanks to you.

My Ricky Williams authentic jersey
Phat Butt waitress/stripper from the Rogue, after 2 weeks of trying to catch up after our initial outing I finally got up with you. You came thru the house at 3am and our options were limited so I had to do what I had to do. As soon as the deed was done you asked for a T-shirt to put on but not a single T shirt in my entire wardrobe could cover that phat ole ass. The longest items of clothing in my closet were a Ricky Williams’s authentic rookie jersey and trench coat. For a hot second I almost handed her that trench. The jersey went just one inch under them ass cheeks. When the sun came up she tossed those jeans on and walked smooth out of my door with that jersey on her back. Then she moved to GA on my ass. Not that I was ever going wear that jersey again but it was my first authentic. I copped it when jerseys just started getting hot. Now she’s probably in GA cutting grass and doing house chores in my shit. FedEx me that shit if you’re reading this.

My broom, dust pan, mop, wrench, hammer and 2 60 watt light bulbs
I had this ex from when I was in senior in high school, our relationship lasted all of about 2 months but we kept fucking off and on until she started borrowing miscellaneous shit and never bought any of it back. One day out the blue she calls and...

Ex - Hey where are you?
JD - I’m in the house working out what’s good?
Ex - You got a broom and dust pan I can borrow for a few hours?
JD - I guess (clearly confused why anybody would want to borrow a broom if they lived on the other side of town)
Ex - Cool I’ll be there in 20 minutes (On that ride she had to pass at least 6 spots that sold household items)

Almost 17 minutes later she was at my door 2 minutes after that she was walking back out my door with the broom, dust pan and a mop in hand. I never even noticed she had my broom and shit until one day I had to sweep and couldn’t find it. No biggie I ran to CVS and bought a new one. About 3 weeks later I get another call from her asking for a hammer, wrench and screwdrivers. She comes thru gets the hammer and wrench then rolls out. The very next day she calls for the light bulbs gets them and dips then just as she’s walking out my man Slick is walking up and says to her “You finally bringing that broom back huh”. She ignores the shit out of that man and keeps it moving. I called her cell on the spot to ask about my broom and shit and all she had to say was “Why you acting all petty over a fucking broom?” I had to cancel her on the spot she was stocking her house with my shit like I was her personal Free Home Depot. That mop she got off me was tight as shit it had a little ringer thing at the bottom of the mop so you didn’t have to stick your hands in the water.

Hey ladies if you out there hit me on FB I need that up off you
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, October 8, 2010

4 Great ways to save money

The economy is still fucked up just. Last week I read that 14.9% of the US lives below the poverty line and that’s like 1 in 9 people. I even know some college grads that are selling coffee right now at a Starbucks near you. We all need to cut some corners and save a buck or two so here’s a few tips from me to you.

Shitting at work
I do my best to exclusively chuck the deuce on company time; to me it’s fiscally irresponsible to do it anywhere else. If I do it at home not only I’m I not getting paid to shit, those toilet paper squares add up so I’m actually losing money. Bonus tip: if you work a lot of overtime when you drop the deuce you’re getting time and a half, for the win.

Drinking at home
I know a lot of people like to hit the happy hour with the one dollar drinks (which are really rubbing alcohol and juice, that’s why it burns so much going down) or those 5 dollar Top Shelf drinks and think they are getting a super bargain, or maybe you just like to socialize, well in that case, enjoy that happy hour. Now I’m not cheap but bars are making a killing. If I order a beer, they want 4 bucks but I could have 2 more bucks at the local Shop N Save for 2 more bucks. Let’s think; one happy hour beer for $4 or entire six-pack for $6. I’m still tripping off dropping 30 on a triple shot of 1800 when a 5th is only 24. Since then my kitchen strongly resembles a bar (seriously) and I have a 2 drink maximum when out and about.

Reading the news on my phone
I used to subscribe to the post and everyday on my way to the train station I used to pick up my paper. I’d be on the train flipping thru this 3’ by 2’ mess of ads coupons and articles on shit I’d never read. My hands would be grey and sometimes my white T would be too, if I wasn’t extra carefully. Now I fire that post right up on my phone for the low price of nothing; plus my phone fits in one hand with no mess.

Dating hood rats
I know what you’re thinking “JD come on son not the hood rats” but it’s perfectly sound reasoning behind it. Not all of us can afford to take Ms. New Booty out on the town and drop top dollar, times are harder than Pee-Wee Herman at a porn convention. Sometimes to get yours off you got to aim a little lower, well let’s not say lower let’s just say aim in a different direction (just in case I got any hood rats reading right now). You can easily drop 100 to 150 out on a date without trying but Ms Hood Rat doesn’t expect as much maybe 2 Four Loco’s, a bootleg movie and that shrimp and broccoli from Asian Express and your night will go right as rain for the total cost of about 35 bucks.

Even the guy on the $100 bill said “A penny saved is a penny earned”
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, October 1, 2010

What Really Grinds My Gears: Music Edition

Without question I’m going to say “The War” and “The Problem” are the best tracks Wale ever made period (if you don’t agree with me write your own blog disproving me). I’m not a super Wale fan but this dude went into the booth and made two great fucking songs but these track weren’t featured on any CD, nope a mixtape you can download for free. Wale’s CD went triple wood and it was ok but his mixtapes shit on “Attention Deficit”. Then at the same time we got Chris Brown with the number 1 single in America “Deuces” and it’s off of another mixtape, when his album went aluminum. Artist seem to give their all on mixtapes putting out the greatest tracks you’ll probably never hear and when it comes to making music to make money not so much.

Subpar Video Hoes
It was a time when I turn to MTV Jams and I’d see some of the baddest half dressed women dancing around. Almost made me want to befriend a rapper (I couldn’t be an actual rapper I’m really quite shy when I’m not insulting people). Now I turn on the TV and I see the most run of mill average looking joints; prime example is the Roscoe Dash, Waka and Wale No Hands video. Some of the joints even look like they might smell bad. What the fuck happened to the plethora fine joins that was bouncing around in the Hey Papi video? Are there no new Melyssa Ford’s, no new Bria Myles’? Instead I get videos full of chicks that could work 3 cubicles over me. I don’t want that shit on my TV. Ya’ll are giving these middle of the road chicks hope. Somebody needs to hire me as a casting director I’ll weed all these 5’s and 6’s out of the lot and have those 7’s and 8’s on standby.

You worship the devil; cool do you. I hope you get a cool spot in hell. You’re a Free Mason; that’s great I’ve never been into that whole male secret society thing but if that you’re thing go with it. You’re part of Illuminati; I hear some spooky shit about them folks but who am I to knock you. All this might be hearsay and bullshit or it might be that real talk, not that I give a fuck either way but I am tired of Mr. Carter feeding into it. “Bitch I said I was amazing; not that I’m a Mason” - Jay-Z, but you damn sure didn’t say I’m not a Mason or I’m part of Illuminati instead you just feed the theory by not clearly saying yes or no. You can play this one of three ways...
1. Say “Yep I’m in on that shit how ya’ll think I got so paid and powerful”
2. Say “Nah I’m not part of any of that crazy shit they should have never gave you niggas the internet” Or...
3. (My personal favorite) shut the fuck about it. Stop putting bullets next to the Cross in videos. Stop saying slick shit that can be taken as a clever way to say “I’m down with Satan and them” and having dudes dressed like Taliban executioners holding torches and shit.

Release date push backs
How long doesn’t it really take to drop a CD? I’m going to assume it’s all recorded mastered and ready to hit the selves when you drop that first single. So if you got 3 singles with videos and a remix or two you might want to drop that CD (I’m looking at you Diddy I know the other members of Dirty Money don’t have a voice). Why is that shit not on the self of my local record store? You don’t know me either. Jeezy was supposed to drop TM3 on 9/28 instead he gave me a so so mixtape. You want know why people ain’t moving no units? Mixtape and release date push back you build up this buzz give away shit loads of free music then push your release date back to November 31st.

I’m starting my own label with no mixtapes fine bitches and no release push backs
Jean DeGrate has spoken