Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I don’t chop the box

Okay I’m 29 now and I can clearly see 30 from here so it’s safe to assume I’m pretty stuck in my ways. Over the years there have been a few things I said I’d never do and went against the grain like eating broccoli, smoking weed, kissing a girl after she gave me slight, or driving a stolen car and I got past all that shit, but I never got pass eating pussy.

So without further ado here’s my list of why I don’t chop the box

1. Somebody’s penis was in there.
If somebody stuck their dick in my favorite cup there wouldn’t be enough soap, bleach, or disinfectant in the world to make think it’s safe to drink from it ever again. So why the fuck would I put my mouth on something that’s only getting regular soap. Shit Dove won’t make that pussy squeaky clean.

2. The Period
No explanation just fucking disgusting.

3. The secretion
I’ve hit chicks that were so wet my balls were dripping. They leave wet spots on the sheets and some more shit. If I put my face in that it would be like drinking a 20oz soda and I’d come up looking like a glazed donut; not a good look so I’ll pass.

4. I don’t like the look of it
I often have sex with the lights on so I know exactly what a vagina looks like. Matter of fact I don’t know how it got the nickname “pussy” because it don’t look shit like a cat. To be perfectly honest on looks alone a vagina is not something I want in my mouth. To this date I’ve never seen a pussy that made me say “Oh man I got to put my mouth on that”.

5. I don’t think it would taste good
In my entire life every time I thought something look nasty you better believe I was dead on. Brussels sprouts; horrible, lima beans; awful, liver; the worst, but every time I knew this was going to be bad grown-ups push me into eating it just to reaffirm my faith in my own prejudice. I have girls tell me they taste like strawberries and peaches and smell like roses; I’m an intelligent man so I know that bull shit. You know what tastes like strawberries and peaches? That’s right strawberries and peaches.

Sorry ladies I can’t eat nothing that can get up and walk away
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, May 1, 2009

You Knew He Wasn’t Shit

Men just like women feel the spoils of dealing with a person who isn't of the greatest quality but mostly women are the ones left worst off

Women kill me when they start having kids and/or fucking up there lives by dealing with these ain't shit type dudes and then acted surprised when things fall apart. I used to have all this sympathy for these women. I used to make all these excuses like "well you know she's raising those kids by herself" or "She got it hard because she got a place with this dude and he just rolled". Yeah I'm so over that shit most of these chicks did it to themselves.

People are just like cars and it doesn't take 6 months to find out you're driving a lemon

I've dealt with more than my fair share of women in full knowledge that it will never go beyond the little fling that we have going on. There will be no weekend get a ways or flowers to the job or Christmas gifts exchanged; because I already know that she's not the material to bun up with so no matter how much fun we have or how good the sex is I'll never fool myself into believing it can be something more. I know that she can't boil water let alone cook. I know that her credit is so bad that she couldn't get a car from Eastern Motors. I know that she went to Vegas for the All-Star game but her story of what took place is real vague. Just as she should know that he's one strike away from doing 20 with and L. She should know that he spends more money on weed in a month than he does on his rent. She should know that his other kid(s) haven't received any child support in lord knows how long but he buys a fresh pair of Nike's every week.

They say love is blind but common sense has 20/20 vision

People often say you can't choose the one you love but I'd like to think we as people of free mind and body have a saying in who will fuck up our lives. At what point does love say "Hey let him/her charge up bullshit on your credit card that neither of you can afford" or "Baby we don't need to use a condom" or "I want you to stay with me and move out of your mother house"? Was there not a glimpse of what this person could do to your life if allowed? I understand it's not always as clear cut as James from 3rd street that sold coke all his life but nevertheless he has 4 kids and 3 baby mothers. Sometime the dude appears to be a good dude when you first meet him, the first date, the first month all seems good. After time his representative starts to fade he doesn't open car doors anymore, you had a argument and he balled up his fist as if he was going to hit you, he doesn't call you like he used to and you're always calling him, or maybe he just isn't as affectionate as he once was. Now I'm not saying these things are deal breaker if you're cool with it do you, but it should toss up a warning flag or two dissuading you from going any further.

Truth is changes always arise in relationships but is this dude you met last week, last, month, or last season is he still the same dude today.
Whether it is yes or no do you want to have his kids with this dude, live with this dude, or even marry this dude? Or is it just a fling just for fun?

Don't turn 3 good dates into a relationship that will ruin your life
Jean DeGrate has spoken

You Just Don’t Do It for Me Anymore

*** Folks this might be one of the reasons men cheat or people cheat in general***

Remember the first time you have sex with a chick you're dating, not that one night stand heat of the moment BS, but that real passion. The exploration of those unfamiliar curves that you are so eager to learn, her distinct smell, and the sound she makes when you touch her right there. Yeah that shit if off the chain; there is nothing quite like good new pussy.

After a while the passion fades the excitement dies and that good new pussy is just old regular pussy. Foreplay no longer exist and that rise in your pants you once got from just the thought of it going down needs a little bit more coasting to get where it's going.

After about 6 months or so of dating all the excitement in the bedroom is normally pretty much gone it's just regular sex after that you need to be a pretty charming individual or shit is going to go way left. Phone time decreases and face time decreases yeah you're doing a whole lot more of kicking it with Craig and them than you used to. Funny thing about it you don't know what's really wrong because nothing seems off. You can lay next to this chick while she is ass naked and your man won't jump.

Weeks drag on and you feel no real motivation to knock this chick down. You find yourself making up reasons to hit like "Well it's raining out so ain't nothing going to be popping tonight so I'll go see her" or "Well I don't have shit else better to do might as well hit".

After a while you stare at her and pick out her flaws like the little bumps on her forehead that remind you of Braille or the way she keeps wearing same tired ass ponytail every fucking day and that just adds to the lack of her sexual appeal. Then it's the first time your man doesn't show up to the show and you start making excuses like "I'm just tired" or "give me a little bit head to get me started". But you're up and ready to rock when you caught 5 minutes of tittie on Cinemax at 2 in the morning then it hits you like a Mack truck you just don't do it for me anymore and it's all downhill from there.

95 times out of 100 new pussy is going to be hit but after the sparks fade then what?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

***If you think I write good shit; tell somebody else***

What Really Grinds My Gears Volume III

Ugly people calling other people ugly

I’m about to start carrying a mirror around for these physically unfortunate souls who deem it ok to talk about another persons looks. Real talk have you seen you are there any mirrors in your house? How dare you part your fugly lips to call another person ugly when you look like you’ve taken a beating or two with the ugly stick?

Busted chicks that complain about dudes not being up to their standards

“...this nigga aint got no real job he doing home improvement work with his father he aint getting no W2 for that shit and he got the nerve to be riding around in 94’ piece a shit...” I hear one of these types of rants like twice a week and when I turn my head I see some busted ran down looking broad; when I’m expecting to see somebody that would be able to grace a magazine cover or at least ride passenger seat no tint. But nope without fail it’s some mud duck going on some dude. Look here you busted baby if you were better looking yeah you could get a better dude and I know that’s some superficial shit to say but that’s just the way shit is. Busted women end up with sub par dudes unless the busted chick is paid it’s male gold diggers out there too.

Grown ass men with Mohawks

I know all these music videos, professional athletes, and TV stars are starting to rub off on you and they make you feel like you can pull it off. Nah you’re dead wrong. You look like a fucking idiot. Mohawk weren’t meant for regular people. Native Americans don’t even wear Mohawks and they invented the hairstyle,
So here’s a list of people that should never rock a Mohawk.

If you never counted out 10k of your own money no Mohawk for you
If you don’t own a fashion boutique or hair salon (not a barbershop) you can’t do a Mohawk
If you have a dress code or you have to wear a uniform to work no Mohawk for you.
If you go to your barber and say “Give me a Mohawk” and he looks at you as if he’s waiting you to say “I’m just bullshitting” no Mohawk for you
If you think your friends will make jokes about you for months to come then no Mohawk for you

My City not repping My City

I’m sick and fucking tired of walking into DTLR, Footlocker, Lidz, or any other spot they might carry Fitted Caps and see 1000 hats in every color of the rainbow except the Nationals. How the fuck do you have 100 hats and only 2 of them have anything to do with the city you’re operating in? Maybe if I go to NYC I can rack up on National hats because we got all the Yankee joints down here.

Dumb Ass Tattoos

Some people treat their bodies like a scratch pad and when the moment hits them they are off to the tattoo shop to get Bugs Bunny shooting dice holding a bottle of Moet or they might just grab one of those cliché tats that I love so much like the panther, the 2pac cross, tribal arm band and the classic dog/tiger paw prints. Put some thought into your tat and try to be slightly original. Do you really want to be 50 with Jessica Rabbit in a Bikini on your back or even worst dropping 1200+ on tattoo removal so it could look like somebody poured hot acid on your arm?

Local rappers selling their CD’s on the street

No boom box, no freestyle, just a poorly package CD with a name scribbled on with a black Sharpie. “Son show love, I’m just trying to get my music out there and it’s that crack. I’m letting them go for 5” is like the standard spiel. I used to toss 5 dollar bills out to these dudes until I had about 25 CDs sitting on my kitchen counter that I never heard. So one day I grabbed the stack and headed to work to give them a listen. Every single disk; every single track just horrible and I don’t mean just sound bad I mean atrocious in every aspect from the horrible production, the recycled beats, to 3rd grade rhyming patterns. I mean how many times can I hear “Vest”, “Chest”, and “Rest” rhymed together at the end of a bar? Now when those dudes walk up on me I just say “I don’t listen to rap”. Plus I can get 3 for 10 from my bootleg man of shit I actually want to here; Officer Ricky here I come.

People will always do dumb shit and as long as ya’ll keep reading I'mma keep writing
Jean DeGrate has spoken