Friday, April 21, 2017

Dating Someone That Has Kids

First and foremost kids are terrible people. You can quote me on that. You can put it on my tombstone.


I almost have a PhD in dating women who either co-parent or are single parents; no they are not the same thing they are very different and just because you own a fuck trophy sans a relationship does not make you a single parent. Seriously though, I’m 4 baby mamas and 10 credit hours away from my doctorate; Dr. DeGrate has a good ring to it.

Baby Daddy/Baby Mama drama
The most common misconception about dating people with kids especially in the urban community is the ever dreaded “Baby Daddy/Baby Mama drama” and it exist but not at the level people assume. (I’m not basing this on my personal experience as an owner of 9 year old girl I have nor have I ever had any Baby Mama Drama.) When the other parent drama does rear its ugly head it’s normally in the “Don’t have nobody around my kids”/”We can work this out” variety and normally has little to no follow through. Now the urban legends when the child’s parent is scaling the wall to the third story balcony peeking through the sliding glass doors to see what’s going on in there actually exist. Typically it’s some warning signs before things go all off the rail like that though. Real talk other parent drama only occurs in certain conditions usually…

1. People under 30 that keep fucking after the relationship ended
2. People with kids 3 and under
3. People with newly ended relationships (6 months or less) where the couple was cohabitating

You got all that? Cool. Just keep your head on swivel and ask the right question and you’ll be able to avoid any Baby Daddy/Baby Mama drama.

Now on to the shit that really matters…

Are they in a position to do adult things?
Some people don’t have a support system or the funds that allows them to gallivant in these streets on a regular basis; especially single parents. It takes an act of God and the planets aligning on a full moon for her to line up a baby sitter to do anything other than “Netflix and Chill” after 10pm when the kids are in bed. His child support payments are so high that a night out on the town will have him on a Lunchables and Top Ramen diet for the next two pay periods. Child ownership can get in the way of a relationship before the relationship even beings. When dating a parent sometimes you have to be their time standing on call to steal moments here and there. Are you about that life?

Do you like the kid?
As previously stated children are terrible people. This is especially true when the kids don’t belong to you. For instance my kid is awesome and I don’t know your kid but it’s probably trash. Ok, all jokes aside kids can be annoying, whinny, bad, stupid, overtly playful, mean and slew of other character flaws that may be a deal breaker. In order for this thing to have legs and go somewhere (other than randomly hooking up after drunken happy hours) you WILL have to deal with this child on some level. If you secretly fantasize about tying the child to a chair and locking them in the bathroom this is definitely not the person for you. After all you can’t say “Hey your child is a horrid human being but you’re dope as fuck we need to find a way around him.” It’s usually frowned upon to tell someone that you don’t like their kid. The person you’re dating is going to act like fruit of their loins is the best thing to happen since slice bread. (I don’t even know why that’s a saying but the pre pre-sliced bread era must have really been fucking abysmal.) This brings us to our next bullet point…

Do you like the person they become around the kid?
Some people instantly switch up around their kids. Drastically. You could be dating James St Patrick from Power and the moment he’s in the presence of his children he turns into Big Bird from Sesame Street. You could be dating the sweetest girl ever but she talks to her kids like she’s a drug lord and they owe her money. It gets really awkward when you’re sitting on the couch and she throws a dinner plate like Frisbee at the head of her son while yelling “You bitch ass nigga”. Trust me; that shit happens. Some people are push overs for their kids some people are bullies to their kids on some Antione Fisher shit. Of course these are extreme examples and not the norm but people do become a different variation of themselves and that person is an individual you may not be a fan of.

Does the kid like you?
That kid might not like you. That kid might not ever warm up to you. You may forever hear “You ain’t my daddy/mommy” for requesting simple shit like asking the kid to turn the TV down a little. You might not ever be able to bribe your way into this child’s good graces. You might not ever be able to prove that your intentions are genuine towards them. You might have to abandon ship because it’s incredibly difficult to co-exist in the same space with a person that despises you when they are the apple of their parent’s eye.

Baby mama drama is the least of your worries
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

You’re Catfish and You Don’t Even Know It.

A few of my homies had some words for me after writing the “4 April Fool’s Jokes Women Play Year Round”. I posted the blog Sunday evening and I’ve had the SAME conversation 9 times and it’s only Tuesday afternoon. Jesus. I’m often pretty clear and most women get me. I mean after all, I speak fluent Womanese and I studied for years with Diana Prince and the Amazonians on the isle of Themyscira. Yeah, I just geeked out for a second there but let’s push pass that. Oh, I didn’t mention the part of the blog that caused the uproar so here it is… 

“A real woman on the other hand is bit harder to define because somehow weaves, body shapers, cosmetic surgery and whatever other upgrades they have out now doesn’t diminish the realness of a woman. Being a real woman is more of a state of mind over something you can actually touch and feel. From Jill Scott all the way to the girl that got a boob job because she “loves” herself not for attention from men in passing. Insert several 100 emojis here.”  

I touched a sore spot with those 83 words and it’s not like making a stinging statement is unfamiliar territory to me but this time it was inadvertent. Whoops. See here’s the kicker; most women don’t even see the things they do as deceptive. It’s more like putting their best foot forward. Women want to feel sexy. Women want to look better in their clothes. Women want to be wanted especially on social media and these nights out on the town. Unfortunately, putting in this extra effort toward the goal of making a favorable impression includes a few (or several) add-ons. Funny thing about this is somehow someway this is the fault of men and they are doing all this for the satisfaction of men with is absolutely not the fucking truth. They do all they do because it’s believed it’s what men want. A phat ass has always been in high demand in the black community or for as far back as I can remember...but it wasn’t until J. Lo went pop along with them cheeks that the rest of the world started embracing phat asses. Fast forward 18 years (and 8 studio albums) later and here we are in the land of body shapers under bodycon dresses and 5’s pretending to be 10’s.  

And by cheating you’re fucking up the game and once again you don’t even know it. 

Most of you are too young to remember the Cherry scene from “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka” but YouTube is your friend. Basically,  Keenan Ivory Wayans took this girl home and she took her entire body off; wig, leg, breast, just all that shit.  

Unintentional catfishing is the leading cause of ghosting. Ok, it might not really be the leading cause because niggas still ain’t shit..but unintentional catfishing still plays a huge part of guy hitting that eject button post cheeks. By the way, ghosting is the act of ceasing all communication and contact with current partner/mate/fuck buddy/or whatever without any warning or justification. And here’s how it goes… 

You meet a guy whilst you’re out on the town and you’re all done up. Hair laid, face beat to the God’s, waist trainer on so tight if you stare at food you’ll crack a rib. You post the pre-outing selfie on the Gram, then your homies’ comments are an assortment of heart eyed emojis and “Yassss bitch, slay!”. You look so good you might Women Crush Wednesday yourself. That isn’t you though. Sorry it’s not and the unsuspecting guy you meet and exchange info with doesn’t know that’s not you either. The girl that you’re pretending to be is who he’s checking for. That’s the girl he’s trying to win over by pulling out all the stops and date 1 thru however many it takes to get to Netflix and chill is who keeps showing up. Then one day he wakes up next to the real you. The real you isn’t who he has been dating and that’s not what he signed up for...then he goes ghost. Pretty superficial isn’t it. Or is it? After all you laid the trap.   

The game is now lopsided.  

We all have a role to plan in life; a lane we’re supposed to stay in because it’s just the natural order of things but you women have been shaking that shit up. All you 4, 5 and 6’s have been jumping up to 7, 8 and 9’s either by camouflage or by scalpel. It’s like half of women who didn’t meet the criteria to be in VIP leveled up and now VIP is overflowing with women but no guys leveled up to balance it out. All the original fine women are still there and same guys that are 7, 8, 9 and 10’s (via the combination or physical attributes, money and social status) are still there as well. These top tier guys now have the pick of the litter because there’s a greater degree of competition. Meanwhile, the guys that were 4, 5, and 6’s before the women in their perspective lanes leveled up are still their vying for the affections of the women left in that arena. So while the basic chicks are getting rings, houses and dream weddings you’re on your 4th serious boyfriend in the last 3 years. Congratulations!

You’re catfish and now you know it
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Sunday, April 2, 2017

5 Immediate and Crystal Clear Signs She Is NOT Checking For You

We men folk can be rather dense when it comes to the subtle and also not subtle hints members of the fairer sex may drop upon us. I know more time than not women aren’t always direct with their intensions towards us and their lack of interest; so it’s up to us to decipher when it’s time to fade away before we get the title of being lame and become a running joke for her and her close confidants. So here we go…

1. If you request a picture and she refers you to a social media account
First and foremost, women hate a “Send me a picture” guy, unless she likes you. If she likes you she’ll probably send you a random selfie or two just because. Now if you’re not lucky enough to already be in the “like” arena and your proposition is countered with “Just go to my IG” she’s not checking for. Don’t waste anymore of your unlimited text messaging efforts on her. Delete her contact info. Delete the text thread. Unfollow her on all social media and swiftly push any knowledge of her existence out of your head.

2. If every time you call her she has to call you right back but never does
She cares enough not to hit the end button but not enough to let you ring to voicemail and some women are very courteous like that. Whenever your info flashes across her caller ID instead of hitting the ignore button she picks up only to tell you “Can I call you right back?” she’s not about you. Stop calling. Stop texting. Just stop all together.

3. If she always has plans
You text on Tuesday trying to line something up for Saturday and she has to get back to you on that but never does. You call her on April 5th because it’s an epic 2 day Wine Festival on Memorial Day weekend and you need to get the tickets ASAP before they sellout but she’s out of town that weekend judging a pencil fighting competition in Pensacola Florida. You send her a Facebook invite to a cookout and she immediately declines if she even acknowledges it at all. She’s not checking for you and probably regrets giving you her contact info.

4. If she doesn’t respond to you on social media
You comment on her pictures on IG even when she posts memes from months ago. You say clever shit on her Facebook status updates. No matter what you do her response is always “crickets” but she’s blatantly interacting with others. Close up shop and move on brother. You’re in the sunken place.

5. If she indirectly insults you
She loves men with a clean cut but you have dreds. She prefers guys 6’2 and up but you’re 5’9. She likes a man that’s able to fix things with his hands but you’re a CPA and learned how to change a flat tire from watching a YouTube video. She’s vocal about the things she likes in men but most of those things don’t correlate to you? You’re not the exception to the rule. You’re the guy that she’s killing time with until Mr. 6’2 slides up on her at the next after work happy hour. You’re in the friendzone and you don’t even know it. Get out.

It’s not you; it's her, because she’s the one not checking for you
Jean DeGrate has spoken

4 April Fool’s Jokes Women Play Year Round

First, I know April fool’s day was yesterday. I was in Philly. Could I have dropped this the day before? Yes I could have if I would have actually written it then but I didn’t. Fight me. I mean are you going the read the blog or not? You are. So just enjoy it.

Second, I can see your true colors shining through on Facebook Snapchat. Unfortunately your true color is a very dark shade of ugly. Every morning there are fresh new videos and every morning I just have to click it to see you being ugly all over again. I’m a glutton for punishment. I might need help.

Third, the blog…

Women are by far my favorite tricksters followed closely by babies fake crying to get their way. They don’t get tired. They are pulling the wool over our eyes winter, summer, spring and fall and yup we keep falling for it. Ok let’s get on with it…

1. I “deserve”
I’ve said this before and I’m 100% sure I’ll say this again in my lifetime, but probably more like before the week is out. What men deserve and what women “deserve” in relationship varies greatly. We have to earn most of what we get very little is giving just because we “deserve” it. Ask any woman why she does what she does for her man and she’ll pull out a comprehensive list of attributes and task completed with dates included to warrant any privileges she has provided him. Ask a man why he does what he does for a woman and it will go a little something like this…
“She’s a good girl. I’m doing what a man is supposed to do. I’m old school. She deserves it.” And a series of other vague answers that are deeply rooted in who he is and how he defines himself as a man but not much about how she earned any of this. The swindle.

2. Unequal equality
Women love equality within reason. Just yesterday I watched a 4 minute video via Facebook where a woman shed real tears about having to change her own tire on the side of the road while several young men watched her struggle. She questioned the character of the new generation of men and wondered who was raising them. It was funny in an AAA membership doesn’t cost as much as you think it does type of way. The comment section was gold; men and women alike were bashing these young gentlemen for not being real men. See that’s how equality works for women, they want all the highlights and none of the tire changing. Paying on date? Man’s work. Hitting a man and getting hit back? A man should never lay hands on a woman. Standing on public transportation while men are seated? Oh no, he needs to offer that seat up quick. Now if we’re talking equal rights, equal pay and equal say so in a household where a man is expected to pay the majority if not all the bills they are here for that equality. We continue to drink the Kool Aid. Bottoms up.

3. Man of the house
Man of the house is a myth in a healthy modern relationship. You aren’t calling any shots and you got to shut the fuck up during “How to Get Away with Murder” or any other silly vagina friendly TV series (like Queen Sugar because women love Ralph Angel). You are going to be getting same old pussy and the same old attitude just paying the lion share of the bills because you’re just a man in the house. She can do bad all by herself so it’s a good thing you came along to lighten the load and allow her to flourish.

4. Real but not really real
Real - genuine and original, not artificial or synthetic… Well at least according to the good people at Webster-Merriam. A real man is just that a real man from the sole of his feet to the top of his head and everything is as it appears to be. A real man is a product of genetics, his environment, life experiences and time. Women love real men and often seek them out. A real woman on the other hand is bit harder to define because somehow weaves, body shapers, cosmetic surgery and whatever other upgrades they have out now doesn’t diminish the realness of a woman. Being a real woman is more of a state of mind over something you can actually touch and feel. From Jill Scott all the way to girl that got a boob job because she “loves” herself not for attention from men in passing. Insert several 100 emojis here.

Women keep hitting us with the Jedi mind trick and we go for it every time
Jean DeGrate has spoken