If you didn't know; I own a child, an 11 year old girl to be exact. If you were wonder, yes, she’s an asshole like me because the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree but that doesn’t have anything to do with this blog. Anyway it's a show that I watch on The CW and last year towards the season finale Madi made it explicitly clear that I was no longer allowed to watch the program without her. Cool. I dig it, plus I love it when our interest in programming aligns because it often does not. I'll watch scripted programming via network or streaming apps and she'll be watching some other other shit on YouTube. The new season of The 100 started and I have the new episode queued up and ready to go but the seed is no longer with the shits. I fire it up and she smoothly walks out of the room. WTF. "Hey, this is The 100." She never responds. I walk out into the livingroom to double down and before I open my mouth she says "I don't remember what happened last season, I don't want to watch it." Blown. Luckily this isn't spoiler TV because I don't think anyone watches this shit but I could have seen this episode 3 days ago if I wasn't holding out for her.
I talk to a few of my homies that are in relationships and they do the whole hold out to watch shit. I know a guy right now that's been off of social for a whole month trying to avoid Game of Thrones spoilers because his girlfriend hasn't finished season 7 yet and he has to wait for her. Do you know how hard it is to avoid Game of Thrones spoilers? It's bigger than social media that shit is everywhere. It's literally watercooler talk now. This got me to thinking about how many things that my child and the ladies in my life have run me thru. It's low key a lot but I'm just going to touch on a few.
Being forced to do shit I don't enjoy
Much like having a child; having a girlfriend means being dragged to events and pretending like you’re enjoying yourself. Concerts with artist you couldn’t give a fuck about. Dinner parties with people you can’t stand. Sip and paint parties; I mean who doesn’t love painting something fit for hanging on the side of a dumpster while drinking $6 a bottle merlot at $8 a glass? Men suffer thru it though. Trying new nasty food at expensive restaurants. But we smile and push thru it because a big part of her happiness is acting like you’re with the shits.
Holding trash ass conversations
Unfortunately it’s widely frowned upon to tell your children shut the fuck up when they embark on a topic you have little to no interest in. This is also true when it comes girlfriends. So you ended up in a bunch off illogical vent based conversation replying “Wow, that’s crazy” repeatedly. Having to hear about her little friends and their problems is a whole ass headache. Having to hear about your co-workers is a whole ass headache. Just this week alone I couldn’t imagine having the Ayesha Curry conversation because I know what she said and what she means but having to defend all every hetero penis owners would be crazy. Just in case women didn’t know; Ayesha said what she said but what men heard is “I’m lightskin and nobody wants me but my millionaire all-star 3 time NBA champion husband that's madly in love with me because I’m an ungrateful slut shaming basic bitch.”
Paying for every outing
I know when I hit the streets with the seed I’m picking up the tab. Madi isn’t even going to look up from her Nintendo Switch when the waiter brings the bill out. You know who else doesn’t look up vagina owners. You know all the outings that I was talking about previously that I knowingly won’t enjoy? Yeah it’s a 97.9% chance I’m paying for that. So when I’m pulling up to this new chocolate and wine infused tapas restaurant that just opened up but it’s all the rave on IG; I already know that’s on me no matter how much of a train wreck this meal will be. Kids are like a broke best friend but girlfriends are typically in a better tax bracket but they aren’t reaching for that wallet and that's just the cost of doing business.
Yeah I could shoot off a few more but maybe I’ll drop a part 2 eventually
Jean DeGrate has spoken
