The King of R&B (and no, it’s not R. Kelly)

The R&B king of this generation is most likely Chris Brown even though the idea of setting the mood to Chris Breezy’s “Take You Down” makes me cringe. I’m also 57 years old so it is what it is. Being old really taints your view of shit and sometimes I do want to yell at the top of my lungs “You kids don’t know shit about music” whilst shaking my fist angrily as I blast some Luther Vandross. I’m not going to do that but that’s how I fell sometimes. Anyway the whole Jacquees king of R&B debate wrapped itself up with pretty much with nobody including Jacquees’ mom consenting to the idea that he was ever in the running for the crown.

 
And I wish the debate would have ended there but it didn’t.
 
Nope.
 
We couldn’t leave good enough alone.
 
We had to get Robert Kelly into the conversation.
 
For the sake of debate let’s just pretend like R. Kelly wasn’t a sexual deviant and focus exclusively on the music. Cool? Cool. The good people over here at the accountant firm of DeGrate, DeGrate and DeGrate have crunched the numbers, ran the stats and R. Kelly is not or has he ever been the undisputed king of R&B. Despite what your aunties would like you to believe he has never worn the crown but he was definitely in the neighborhood for a good 8-9 year run; so I can understand your confusion. So you’re probably wondering who the real R&B king is? It’s Usher. Let me tell you how.
 
R Kelly only predates Usher by 1 year. R. Kelly and Public Announcement’s “Born Into the 90's” dropped in 1992 and Usher came out in 1993 at the age of 14 with "Call Me a Mack" off of the Poetic Justice soundtrack. I’m not going to hold you “Born Into the 90's” charted and out sold Usher’s debut album “Usher” that only went gold. The the 90’s goes to because he dropped 3 back to back to back multiplatinum bangers (it almost makes you forget that he was married to 15 year old Aaliyah at the time, almost). The only 4 people that had a better 90’s run than R. Kelly are Madonna, Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston and the motherfucking GOAT Mariah Carey. So if this was a king of the 90’s debate it would definitely be R. Kelly hands down. Usher didn’t even make any real waves until he dropped “My Way” in 1997 and killed the game. You couldn’t escape "You Make Me Wanna..." which went double platinum on it’s own.

Let's fast forward to 2001.

Usher didn’t put the game in the chokehold until 8701 dropped in and went 4 times platinum then he followed up with Confessions that sold 12 million in 2004. You know who sold more albums than Usher in 2004? Nobody. Usher moved more units of Confessions than R. Kelly did with Untitled, Double Up, TP.3 Reloaded and Happy People/U Saved Me combined. Kells dropped 6 solo projects in addition to 2 joint ventures with Jay-Z and still failed to have a better 2000 – 2009 run than Usher Raymond who sold over 20 million records all by himself.
 
Let’s keep it a buck both artist have lost a step in the new decade but Usher vs R. Kelly post 2010 isn’t even a fair fight. Usher has killed it on several seasons of NBC’s The Voice. He owns 3% of Tidal. He’s a co-owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers and still managing to go platinum unlike Robert Kelly. The last R. Kelly hit is a song he stole from Bow Wow; "I'm a Flirt (Remix)" and that was in 2007. Once we add the Trap in the closest series to this and when he was running around wearing a mask calling himself the Pied Piper of R&B I don’t even understand how this was even a debate. Can R. Kelly sing? Absolutely. Is he the king of R&B? No fucking way.
 
I could stop here and I should stop here but let’s be honest with ourselves if it wasn’t for Usher we’d have to give it to Luther. Even though Luther was singing to Freddie Jackson his catalog is untouchable and timeless. I mean who doesn’t love Luther?
 
Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

The Top 5 Greatest Finesses of All Times

I love a good finesse. I’m not a scammer but if scamming was a spectator sport I’d be all for that shit. I might even take a scamming class just to get a better understanding of the scam. Some of my favorite movies are finesse films, like Ocean’s 11 and The Usual Suspects. But you know what’s better than a finesse movie? A historical finesse. A celebrated finesse. Finesses so great that people can’t even see it as a finesse. They are literally dripping in finesse; word to Bruno Mars.

 
1.            The birth of Jesus Christ
I’m Catholic but I’m not stupid and ya’ll can miss me with all that “God moves in mysterious ways” shit. I know a finesse when I see one. I just imagine myself in the position of Step Daddy Joseph when my wife came home to tell me she’s pregnant by God especially since God created a fully grown man out of clay. Why wouldn’t he take this tried and proven path again is beyond me. The sice game Mary laid down had to be legendary. Not only did his “virgin” wife come home pregnant on the day of the child’s birth 3 other dudes pulled up with gifts and shit and to top it all off, somehow someway, Joseph stuck around to raise that kid. What does a baby need with myrrh? Ya’ll putting perfume on infants? Weird flex but oh ok.
 
2.            Thanksgiving
Even though this is number 2 on this list it’s clearly number 1. I’m just typing these up as they fall out of head. Little known fact about me… I don’t have an outline like ever. Do what you like with that info. The Pilgrims rolled up on Plymouth Rock and finessed the Native Americans out of an entire country. The entire Western movie genre was based on making Native Americans out to be the bad guy. I might have seen 10 legit Native Americans in real life and this is their country. I know as I’m writing this some of you are still eating leftovers from the celebration of the greatest finesse of all times. 
 
3.            Kim Kardashian (and the rest of the Kardashian Mafia)
I don’t know what Kim Kardashian does. Kim Kardashian doesn’t know what Kim Kardashian does. Kim Kardashian can’t even explain to her children why she is famous. Her dad wasn’t even OJ’s lawyer he was a homie that read a letter to the press. Fast forward 10 years and Kim becomes Paris Hitlon’s personal concierge and foot masseuse then BOOM she “leaks” a lackluster sextape with Ray J and then Ryan Seacrest gave her a reality TV show. Now she’s wildly famous and wildly rich. She even married the artist formerly known as Kanye West.
 
4.            Drinks in the club
My drink of choice in these streets is a double shot of Johnnie Walker Black Label with a splash of ginger ale. It typically runs me anywhere from $18 to $26 depending on the venue; once I throw in a tip it might be a $30 drink. What’s in a double shot exactly? 3 ounces of liquor and a lot of ice cubes giving you the impression that your glass is full; it’s a lot like the air in a bag of potato chips. Funny thing is a fifth of Black Label is about $30 bucks which translates into 8.5 double shots. This isn’t just true for my drink of choice; it’s true for all of them. The mark up is incredible. For the price of a beer you could get a 6 pack at your local corner store. For the price of a bottle of Hennessy you could get 10 bottles from your local liquor store. And we all know this but we still pull up to the club and slam down hard earned cash for a 500% markup on average.
 
5.            Car Insurance
I have a 1996 Lexus SC 300. It’s a car I wanted when I first started touching money but I didn’t have a way to explain this money. I used to fantasize about pulling up in this car (and the 92 Acura Legend coupe and the 90 Nissan 300zx to be fair). Anyway I got the car about 9 years ago drove it around town and then parked in 2014. Side note if you let a car sit for 4 years everything is going to break. It only took like $3500 and 6 months to get this car road ready again. So all of this had me doing the math on everything I’ve put into this car and it shocked me to find out I’ve paid more in car insurance than anything else and this car has never been in an accident. I dropped just under 10k for the possibility of something happening and they aren’t going to give you any of that money back. State Farm is taking your money month after month, year after year; just in case of shit.

 
What’s on your top 5?
Jean DeGrate has spoken
 
 
 
 

5 Parenting Duties I Would Gladly Contract Out If I Were Afforded Such Luxuries

Thanks to the internet I know that Gabriel Union had a surrogate for her first and only child. (And yes I know this old news but I’m going to talk about it anyway.) I also realize she had like 9 failed pregnancies. I can totally appreciate the “why” she did what she did. Clearly this was the only way for her but some people on the internet felt some kind of way about it. People on the internet always care about how the rich and famous carry on in their private lives and love to add their 2 cents. Myself, on the flipside, I was taking notes. It got me to thinking how many of these parenting duties would I outsource if my money was long enough. Just during infancy I probably would have never changed a pamper, burned myself trying to figure out if the formula was the right temperature or went shopping for baby clothes because all that non-descript bullshit got 2 wears max before it went to charity or the trash. Yes the trash. Anything she had an explosive shit in never saw a laundry basket it went straight into the dumpster. Anyway those days are behind me so let us focus on the now.

 
1.            Cooking
My child is 11 and we only eat a handful of things in common; bagels, bacon, fruit snacks and yeah, I think that’s it. Every time I turn on the stove with the kid in the house I’m making 2 totally different meals. Her meal then my meal. It sucks. Mainly because I’m hungry right the fuck now. Let me hire a chef and buy one of those dope ass 6 range gas Viking stoves. Get us out of the way chef. So Madi and I can eat our totally different meals at the same damn time like a family and shit.
 
2.            Being a personal driver
Saturday when I was sitting outside of her dance class for 2 hours watching CBS’s terrible Friday night line up on my phone I was thinking I could still be at home. When I’m driving up to the school and that “we’re within 2 blocks of the building but it takes me 10 to 15 minutes to get to the front door” traffic; I need a driver. At her age it’s a ton of places I’ll be taking her to that I’ll probably be sitting outside of waiting; like this honor roll fall harvest dance last month or piano lessons.
 
3.            Discipline
This is another thing people never tell you before you have kids. Disciplining your kids sucks. In order to punish your kids you have to punish yourself too. You have to play warden. If you had a fun weekend lined up you have to cancel it because your kid doesn’t want to act right. I know I was taking the kid to see the Dead Pool Christmas movie but I also wanted to see the Dead Pool Christmas movie so none of us get to see the Dead Pool Christmas movie. You’re punished by proxy. Also I don’t beat my kid but I would assume that intentionally inflicting pain on your child would probably wear heavy on your soul.
 
4.            A chaperone
You know what I hate? Little kids’ birthday parties. They are trash. I mean the kids seem to be having fun but let’s be honest it doesn’t take much to entertain kids. A few dollar store toys, space to run around to act crazy, pizza and birthday cake is always a recipe for success. While my kid is off doing her own thing I’m stuck with these parents in this endless repetitive paradox of pointless small talk. “She’s 11. Your kid is 7; I remember Madi at 7; hold on to those moments, he'll be grown before you know it. She goes to KIPP. Oh your sister’s kid goes to KIPP. Dance and piano. Your kid is in soccer; that’s what’s up.” You know what’s missing at little kids’ birthday parties? An open bar. Two double shots of Johnnie Walker’s Black Label would change the whole mood, but if I got ripped at the party who’s going to drive us home? Or more importantly who’s going to stop me from making a move on that single mom that keeps smiling at me from the other side of the moon bounce. “Hey Tabitha’s mom.” Nevermind that, an open bar is recipe for disaster. I need a chaperone that’s going to stand there for the 1 to 3 hours or however long it takes to sing happy birthday and cut the cake then bring my child back to me. This also applies to field trips because I’m never in the mood to go to the pumpkin patch or the air and space museum.
 
5.            PTA meetings
First and foremost all meetings are trash. I once quit a job because they had a mandatory once a month unpaid meeting and I just couldn’t stomach attending it after the 1st month. Every meeting I’ve ever attended in my entire life could have been summed up in an email that probably would take 5 minutes max to read. PTA meetings are equally trash but you feel the need to attend them because it’s about your kid’s future and shit. It’s a trap tho. Teachers aren’t honest. There isn’t a teacher in the land that’s going to keep it 100 with you if your kid wasn't even qualified to be a door stop. They always shower your kid with accolades and they say something like “but he’s easily distracted” instead of saying “Your kid is stupid and probably has a side of ADHD”. I’ll hire this stand in and the teacher can tell him whatever then he can run me back the cliff notes version if there is anything of note at all.
 
Yeah, I need to be rich.
 
What parenting duties would you outsource?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

The 5 People Who Shouldn’t Come To Thanksgiving

Before I get into this let me say something up first because I know some of you are out there thinking “Well who is JD bringing to Thanksgiving?” The answer is nobody. I’m not bringing a single fucking soul. Even if I was in a relationship I wouldn’t bring her out either and I’m going to tell you why. Because I ain’t. That’s why. Ok, seriously, even if I’m in a relationship it’s safe to assume I’m seeing this woman at least twice a week and now I got to bring her to Thanksgiving where she doesn’t know anybody but me. Nope. I’m not about to entertain her, bail her out of awkward conversations and field questions from my family about my intentions with this young lady while she’s sitting right next to me. I don’t want to even entertain all the side conversations my family is going to have behind her back. If she brings a dish nobody is going to eat. My nicer family members might put in on the plate and push it around a bit but you better believe it will never touch anybody’s lips. Now I got to ride home with her while she’s asking me why nobody ate her mac and cheese or her store bought pie. Ain’t nobody coming to Thanksgiving with me. No thank you. I’m also not going to anybody else’s Thanksgiving; I’ve even stopped the whole I’ll swing thru and pick up a plate shit.

 
Now back to you good people.
 
1.     The clingy person
That person that’s going to call your mother “mom” when meeting her that first time is the person you don’t want to bring to Thanksgiving. They going to be playing fantasy football with your uncles. Following all your cousins on IG and becoming FB friends with all your aunties. They will implant themselves into your family tree and well after the relationship is dead and gone they will still linger. They’re like vampires; once you invite them in they’re here to stay.
 
2.     Folks you’ve dogged out to the family
You told your cousin he’s been cheating and now they’ve been cyberstalking his ever move on IG. You told your mom she’s bad with money and she just bought the 3^rd designer bag that she can’t afford. You told you brothers he grabbed you up and choked you once when he was drunk and now the whole night they plotting on beating his ass while saying slick shit to make him jump out of pocket. Family is going to talk to family so as unit they’ll be side eyeing your boo in unison.
 
3.     The 5^th significant other you’ve posted on social media this year
Some people fall in love fast, hard and often. If you’re one of those people that have 30 people in your heart that you thought was going to be forever your family might be sick of you and the revolving door of baes you keep bringing to the dinner table.
 
4.     The person you cheated on the ex your family actually like with
Nothing breeds contempt like the new boo that comes after the boo the family really liked unless that new boo is the homewrecker that messed it up with the old boo. Your family is about to be wild shady to them and no phcks will be given. “Hmm Kesha used to help clear the table.” “Dre used to bring VSOP Hennessey and Ciroc. Nobody here drinks Cuervo, so you can take that when you leave.” “Oh we don’t have any more chairs at the big table you going to have to sit at the kiddie table.” “You don’t even look like you know how to play spades.” There will be big shade. There will be endless awkward moments.
 
5.     The finicky eater
Thanksgiving is a time to throw down. Some of the dishes you haven’t eaten since last year Thanksgiving you’re going to over indulge on. People eat until they hate themselves then take a breather and put some sweet potato pie on top of it. The dude on the paleo diet, the girl that’s gluten free and folks with nut allergies and shit; leave these people at home. Especially if your family are seriously about traditional Thanksgiving dinner. 
 
Who aren’t you bring to Thanksgiving?
Jean DeGrate has spoken
 

The Most Annoying TV Kids of 2018

TV is trash right now. This might be the worst fall season of TV I can remember. I did however finish that Netflix Sabrina show with the seed over the last few day even though Madi mentally bailed out around episode 4, I think. It reminded me of how much I hate TV kids. Excluding the kids on Black-ish. Those might be the best TV kids since Alex P. Keaton from Family Ties. Random and unrelated but, for me to respect Stranger Things as a horror series they’re going to have to body a main character next season. One of those kids have to die if they want me to stay as a viewer. Way too many close calls and these kids keep coming out alive. Ok back on task… I’m pretty sure I can do a top 100 of all times because I have time and a lot of gripes but I’m assuming you don’t have time and probably a slight case of ADHD. I know every word I type is in constant competition with a meme from Dexter’s Laboratory and whatever rehashed topic that’s trending on Twitter right now. Look at me distracting myself while I talk to you about being distracted. Shame. Anyway I don’t think people talk about how terrible TV kids are and I’m willing to be the pioneer to this shit starting with my top 5. Oh let’s do this.

 
1. Charlotte Byrde - Ozark
How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. I’m not actually going to count the ways but I’m at the point where I even hate her stupid face. I understand that her whole life has been uprooted and now she’s stuck in the middle of nowhere Missouri. I definitely understand, I once spent the weekend at my mom’s house and she lives in Clinton, MD, 22 minutes outside of DC, and I considered ending it all but this was season 2. Charlotte had a whole ass 10 episodes of season 1 to adjust to life at the Lake of the Ozarks but nope; she’s still being a little fucking prick. She’s embezzling money. She’s running away. She’s acting all types of wild like she’s not privy to the Feds and cartel watching.
 
2. Sabrina Spellman - Chilling Adventures of Sabrina
First off Kiernan Shipka looks 13. She’s 19 in real life but she still looks 13. The series begins 4 days prior to her 16th birthday but she still looks 13. Secondly despite how dark this show is Sabrina has this breezy happy go lucky vibe about her like the Dark Lord aka Satan ain’t coming for her soul. Besides the fact that she believes that she can outwit the devil she bends over backwards to help her mortal friends (especially her boyfriend Harvey) that tends to cause my damage than good. More importantly she never takes advice she’s only ever accepts help. Maybe a large part of being a terrible TV kid is being a blonde teenaged girl.
 
3. Spencer James - All American
You’re probably not watching All American because it’s a show not focusing on a super hero that airs on the CW. Let’s keep it 100 the CW doesn’t really offer much and since we are here... that reboot of Charmed is trash. Moving right along… the general plot of this show is Spencer James, a high school football phenom playing in Crenshaw, who is recruited by Taye Diggs who coaches for Beverly Hills then moves him in to his home. In my mind I’m expecting like some Fresh Prince of Belair type of situation. Nah. Spencer suffers from daddy went out to get a pack of cigarettes syndrome that leaves him with a permanent chip on his shoulder. Spencer is also trying to save his female gay BFF from joining a gang run by the most, mild mannered giving back to the hood, gang banger ever, Shawn Scott.
 
4. All of the kids - Single Parents
I like Brad Garrett. Don’t judge me. I watched every episode of Fox’s “Til Death” because of Brad Garrett. Don’t judge me. Knowing that Brad Garrett was in this show I decided to give it a shot and all the kids are trash (excluding Brad Garrett’s twin girls). I’m not even sure how it’s possible to raise kids that exhibit none of the traits of the parents but in this show that’s what’s going on and they are all annoying. If I was father to any of these kids I’d be a dead beat daddy so fast.
 
5. Dr. Shaun Murphy - The Good Doctor
I know technically Shaun is an adult but he acts like a child and its annoying as shit. I loved season 1 of the Good Doctor. The premise was so heartwarming. Like come on son; an orphaned young surgeon with autism and savant syndrome that beat the odds. I don’t know the actually statistics on a person with autism making it thru medical school and into a residency program but it has to be a 1 million to 1 because I’m pretty sure if there was an autistic medical doctor out here I would have heard about it by now. Anyway the warm fuzziness this show used to give me has worn off and if I’m sitting in a hospital bed then Shaun yells out “cut his foot off he has diabetes” after seeing a rash on my elbow he’s going to catch these hands. He has zero bedside manner and they’re not even setting up a buffer for this guy. Yeah I’m sick of Shaun.
 
Who are the TV kids you hate?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

She doesn’t like you yet

You have her contact info. You’re on her line. Maybe even have one or two dates under your belt but she isn’t necessarily enthusiastic about anything about you. It’s a vast assortment of reasons why she isn’t feeling you yet and possibly will never feel you and most of it has nothing to do with you. Let’s get into it.

 
Off top this isn’t 1998. Getting a woman’s phone number isn’t half the feat it used to be. I’ve had several female homies exchange number with dudes just so they can go away only to block them moments later. It’s a cold game and dudes are extra persistent. Like ridiculously persistent. It’s a thin line between eager and thirsty and that line is exclusively determined by her perception. You ever seen one of those romantic comedies where a young lady is at the bar then rolls up on a random dude asking him to pretend to be her boyfriend to escape the guy that just can’t take a hint? You do? I’ve been the pretend boyfriend on at least 3 occasions and stumbled into some cheeks because of it once. Thank you thirsty dude. But for the sake of this blog let’s pretend you got her contact info because she was as a minimum 25% interested in you at that moment you shot your shot. Cool? Cool.
 
Women are famous for forgetting what they like about men
You ever see a woman bashing her ex; hating every fiber of his existence? You ever ask her “well damn what did you see in him to start with’? You ever get that wildly vague response like “he had a good job and his teeth were white”? You know something so generic that if you were on a crowded subway platform you could point out 20 guys that fit that build? True story; I know 3 women that have kids by guys that had “good government” jobs as their crowning achievement. Now that’s a guy that she’s spend some serious time with and been intimate with; so the guy she met at happy hour Monday after the 2nd Cîroc and cranberry isn’t going to standout at all.
 
Women hate dating and traditionally find men annoying
It’s really amazing that half of the human race gets offered free food, drinks and entertainment from the other half of the human race but aren’t remotely enthused about it. Unless it stops of course. Women love to be wanted but are hardly ever motivated to entertain those fascinated parties. It’s a woman reading this right now that has already turned down 3 dates for Saturday with no plans at all. She has no interest in dating until you find a way to break thru and prove yourself other than annoying but that’s a hell of a hat trick and most men never make it pass their text messages being left on read.
 
Women don’t trust men
Men are a tricky bunch and we tend to have a motive in the way we move. And by “a tricky bunch” I mean we trying to trick women out of that pussy; just in case that got lost in translation. Even if you have the most earnest intentions the last 20 guys before you in your same position didn’t so you’ll have a pretty interesting time trying to set yourself apart from the crowd. It’s so many guys that were interesting, charming and a breath of fresh air in comparison to the other guys she’s come across lately then BOOM..
Popped up with a live in girlfriend
Had 3 secret children
Sent an unsolicited dick pic
Lives in his grandmother’s basement
Or whatever else that just pops up out of the blue to make her take an immediate step back and block his everything. Now you have to trying to climb over this mountain of bullshit that the guys before left in your path plus the last 3 nightmare dating stories her girlfriends told her.
 
Somebody else has her attention
If she’s checking for another dude/fucking another dude you’re on the injury reserved list. It’s very little you can do to change that. It’s all on the dude to fuck up and make room for you to slide in; if you’re even next up.
 
Ok somehow someway you made it thru to the other side (you probably won’t but let’s keep this on the glass half full energy). Don’t fuck this up.
 
You think she’s playing games but she’s really not checking for you
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Hip Hop Doesn’t Age Well

I get it now. I didn’t get it before. I thought I did but I didn’t.

I didn’t really understand why the old fogy hip hop historians were always mad. I didn’t comprehend why they vocally screamed to the top of their lungs for anybody to hear it, that hip hop was dead. The Lil Uzi Verts and the Young Thugs of the world had ruined rap music like there hadn’t always been “trash” rap music on the top of charts in every era.
 
“My waist bone's connected to my hip bone. My hip bone's connected to my thigh bone. My thigh bone's connected to my knee bone. My knee bone's connected to my hardy-har-har-har.” – a trash can rapping
 
It was simply the changing of the guard. A new sound from new voices.
 
400 Degreez is one of my favorite rap albums of all times. It holds a special place in my heart. Who I was in in 1998 was really close to what Juvenile was spitting over Manny Fresh’s beats. I wasn’t rocking Reeboks and Girbaud jeans but the other shit; yeah I was with that shit. I said all that to say; I attended the “Legends of Southern Hip Hop” show at the DAR Constitution Hall a couple of weekends ago and Juvie was the headliner. The lineup was extra solid; Scarface, 8 Ball & MJG, Pastor Troy and Project Pat but I noticed a few things strange. First off crowd participation fell flat; all that "I rap and let the crowd finish the line" shit wasn't working. They didn't remember the words outside of the chorus. Also, as I made my trips to the bar and the bathroom I observed that everybody was old and I’m old but they were older than me. I might have been the youngest person there or at least in the bottom 5%. It was a lot of 70’s (maybe even 60’s) babies raised in the 80’s in the building. I can’t remember ever feeling like the youngest person in attendance and I’ve seen Hall & Oates in concert 4 times and their last big hit was in 1984 (Out of Touch). I was 4.
 
I’ve always said these so call hip hop heads don’t buy music and don’t attend concerts. That very much holds true because you could have legitimately seen 5 gold and platinum selling artist for as low as 35 bucks and the auditorium was half empty. I don’t anybody in my age that’s not a Scarface fan and I don’t know anybody in my age range without 35 bucks to blow at a moment's notice but, I only saw 2 familiar faces in the building. On the flip side I only know a handful of Young Thug fans but his shows always sells out. Your favorite artist isn’t selling because you old heads aren’t pulling up to the show or pushing play. Music is free. You don’t have to drive down to Sam Goody or Tower Records for the latest Nas album. Nope it’s right there on your phone built into an app that you’re probably not paying for anyway and all you have to do is hit play. It’s like magic; you hit play and your favorite artist gets a check. Unfortunately, the problem is way bigger than you fake hip hop heads being disloyal.
 
What makes rap great is the same thing that makes it extra contemporary. It’s regional. It’s a reflection of right now. It speaks directly to the listener in that exact moment. Right the fuck now, you can turn to anybody and ask them to name their 5 favorite songs from before they were born and not a single rap track will be listed. Think of yours for a second... is there a rap song in your top 5 from yesteryear? In my mind Run DMC is great but at the same time I can’t imagine listening to 3 Run DMC tracks in row, in entirety, on purpose. I just tried and I failed. Nope. There’s in no reach back quality for the next generation. This is why Rich Homie Quan didn’t know the lyrics to “Get Money” at VH1's Hip Hop Honors show a few years back. It came out when he was 6 years old. He wasn’t checking for that. He was still watching Barney and Friends. Fire up YouTube right now and find a hip hop cover with a million views. I haven’t even looked but I seriously doubt you can find one. Now Boyce Avenue has made a whole ass career out of singing other people’s songs. Unlike R&B and Rock and Jazz you can pull up the sounds of old and make them new again. Jodeci’s cover of “Lately” is better than the original (sorry Stevie). The Dixie chicks killed Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide”. Nobody’s ever going to do a remake of “Rapper’s Delight” and you’re perfectly fine with that. Rap might be the only form of media that’s such a huge part of the culture but isn’t revered by the generations to come after. On the flipside Maze Featuring Frankie Beverly hasn’t dropped any new music since 1993 but they are playing the DAR Constitution Hall on November 24th because those hits don’t get old.

Damn you hip hop
Jean DeGrate has spoken

We are doing way too much

I came from a much simpler time. Like 20 years ago shit was way different from the way people carry on today. It’s amazing when I look at now and then. Like if I was asleep for the last 20 years and woke up to this I would think people are idiotic, fortunately I was awake to see the gradual change so I know people are silly at the very least and absolute fucking morons that shouldn’t be allowed to procreate at most.

 
Anyway…
 
So last week I’m sitting at my desk minding my business and reading up on Dennis Dickey, an off-duty Border Patrol agent, having a gender reveal party and accidently started a wildfire that burned up 47k acres and caused over 8 million dollars in damage. He fired a shotgun at a target expecting to release pink or blue powder instead it exploded and started a fire. Which brings me to the first topic of doing way too much…
 
Gender Reveal parties are doing way too much

I don’t even know the purpose of a gender reveal celebration. Like send me a text. “Hey bro I’m having a girl.” Don’t invite me over. I don’t want to be surprised with you. I’m really not that interested. I’m never going to be that invested in the sex of your fuck trophy and it’s kind of weird that you would want me or anybody to be. It’s not like I’m going to pull up to the reveal party then find out you’re having your 3rd little girl and feel some sort of way because I give zero fucks. All these magical moments you’re setting up for your social media friends and real life friends is low key corny.
 
These filters

I don’t know what you look like. I don’t. Seriously; I don’t. You’ve snap chatted, IG’d and photoshopped your face away. Like it was cute when you wanted to put the vintage filter to give your pictures that 90’s and 80’s vibe. Even those puppy dog OG snap chat filters were cool but now ya’ll are tripping. You've airbrushed your whole ass face away. Your face doesn’t have any pores or laugh lines; you look like a Mister Potato head in a lace front. Relax.
 
Super Proms

Back in my day which seemed all so long ago I went down to my local Macy’s picked a multipurpose suit off the rack then handed it off to the tailor for alterations. By multipurpose I mean this suit was not only for prom; it was for job interviews, weddings, funerals and whatever event a suit might be needed for. For the ladies the dress came from a department store but without the pretense of a multipurpose use because it’s no way they were going to recycle a purple, black and silver single shoulder strap gown. So yeah that dress would likely sit in the closet for a few year before it found its way to Goodwill. My mother rented me a Buick LaSabre from Enterprise Rental Car and I was off for a magical night to bid farewell to high school. Today that shit is out of the window. Kids are pulling up in Bentleys and Rolls Royce’s, wearing custom Versace suits and gowns and shit. I don’t know if they are going to Prom or the Met Gala. What happened to going in with a few friends and getting a limousine? Save a few grand and put it on a dope graduation gift; you know something that will be around the day after the prom.
 
Going Live on Social Media

I have 2956 friends on Facebook and between me and you 2000 of them are muted for a various assortment of reasons but none more pivotal than going live for no fucking reason. It’s bad enough that most of ya’ll are painstakingly ugly without the assistance of filter (which I probably would have been at peace with if I knew you were ugly beforehand without all the filters). You’re on the timeline saying absolutely nothing and doing nothing of note. Seriously why you going live so we can watch you sit on your porch smoking half a jay? Why are you going live while you’re putting away groceries? Why are you going live to just stare into the camera and say nothing at all? Just go back to stealing memes and status updates because you’re not clever or funny when left to your own devices.
 
Bashing your Ex

In spite of my own social media entertainment value because lord knows I love it when you people go in on each other especially when it’s scorned lovers. Here’s the thing when you go ham on your old work laying out all the dirty laundry you also look bad. I’m a huge fan of taking your L’s in silence. If you dealt with a wack person you were clearly here for the shenanigans so when you take it to a public forum you're confirming all of that. Also we are sitting back eating popcorn laughing at you.

Canceling people and establishments 

We love to cancel shit, don't we? We canceled the NFL; we canceled the Dallas Cowboys directly. We cancel Kanye West on average twice a month. Remember when we canceled Rick Ross because he put Molly in her Ciroc and she ain't even know it on some Bill Cosby rapey shit? We back fucking with Rick, drinking Bel Air and eating lemon pepper wings at Wing Stop. We canceled H&M for making that little black boy "the coolest monkey in jungle". Every boycott is written in dry erase marker and the slate is wiped clean without any resolution. In my day weren't so eager to cancel shit. Rumors of racism were swirling around Ralph Lauren and Tommy Hilfiger but that didn't stop us from being Polo down to the socks. We were way less politically correct and everything wasn't a fucking movement. Maybe instead of being so fucking wishy-washy you should boycott canceling shit.

Before I hit the first key I already knew this was going to fall on deaf ears
Anyway Jean DeGrate has spoken

Stop Trying to Get a Pass for Being Honest

Honesty is the best policy right? I think it is, but not because there’s some bonus points for being transparent. Nah; that’s not it or at least it shouldn't be. I see it as a sign of mutual respect. I’ll be straight with you and you’ll be straight with me; keeping the cards face up at all times. Oh I guess I should say this in application of personal relationships.

Every once in a while a young lady hops on my line in that space between just texting and actual going on a date to drop a huge bucket of truth. “This is what I need. This is what’s wrong with me. My life is pretty much in shambles but what’s up tho? You trying to hook up for drinks or something?” And it leaves me like “I’m good love; enjoy.” I tend not to quote Nayvadius DeMun Wilburn verbatim but I normally fade to black (and by normally I mean always). The honesty is much appreciated, like thank you for saying what’s real but I don’t want no parts of that shit. A lot of people expect to be rewarded for being candid off some “Oh you’s a real ass person so I’m just going to leap frog over that mountain of red flags and push forward.”
 
See here it is… the odds are significantly against you if you think somebody that has their shit together is willing to entertain all your issues while you try to get you "attempt" to get your shit together. This also goes for my “good black men” that are going thru a rough patch and looking for a woman to give him a chance when it’s a guy with a E-class Benz and a good job is on her line. Nope. Ain’t nobody trying to Netflix and Chill for a whole summer because you owe back child support and they are docking your pay. Now somebody might just take a chance on you but if they don’t you can’t be mad. Most people won't knowingly buy something that's already broken.
 
Coming clean for your wrong doings 
 
To err is human. We all make mistakes and shit. We fall down but we get up. Nobody’s perfect. Toss in whatever other fake inspirational quotes about fucking up. You forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer to defrost. You cheated. You stole a 20 out of her purse. You killed his mama bird. Whatever you may have done wrong you will get no extra kudos for coming clean. Granted getting caught up can be considerably worst but that doesn’t mean being straight up is going to get you into the clear. Sorry. Your wrong might be a deal breaker.
 
Speaking on your past
 
It’s a lot of folks out here with skeletons in their closet. Over the last year or so it’s been a lot of surprise rapist that popped on my timeline talking that “You ain’t never got a girl drunk of the Hen Dawg and went in on that ass when she was half sleep”. You stole the pussy my guy. Anyway it’s a lot of folks that have done some different types of shit in their past that can be frown upon. Yes your past does define you. That’s why credit scores are a thing.
 
Just stop it kid
Jean DeGrate has spoken

The Gay Agenda

It’s not a thing

 
I know you think it’s a thing but it’s not
 
Before I get into this let me lay down some definitions because words means things.
 
Agenda - the underlying intentions or motives of a particular person or group.
 
Propaganda - information, especially of a biased or misleading nature, used to promote or publicize a particular political cause or point of view
 
I know some of you think there’s some sinister system out here plotting to force the gay upon you, making you complacent and turning the youth into homosexuals. Besides the fact that is just dumb as fuck to believe you can simply subliminally suggest sexuality to a person and they’d switch over. What’s the end game? Making everyone gay and stopping over population because gays can't make babies? I mean Bert and Ernie have been gay right under your noses since 1969 and how many times have you had rubber duckie bath time with your adult same sex friend? (Side note Bugs Bunny is bi because he was kissing men in the mouth and Pepé Le Pew is a rapist.) Now if you got turned gay by something you saw on TV I want to hear your story. Seriously if you were perfectly heterosexual out here living your best life and now you’re gay married because of this agenda hit my line because I clearly have this shit all wrong and I owe you an apology.
 
I made a joke a few weeks back about Taco Bell’s nacho fries, ok it was less of a joke and more of a confession dressed up as a joke. The gist of it was I feel like Taco Bell has a propaganda campaign and it’s targeting me; trying to get me to eat nacho fries and I think it’s working. I still haven’t caved to my desire to eat them but that’s neither here nor there. I’m going to eat them though; maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it’s going to happen. I honestly don’t know how long I can keep Taco Bell at bay.
 
I got off track.
 
Let me bring it back around.
 
Gay people exist. They’ve at least existed my entire life time. When I was in elementary school at recess I played basketball, tag and football with the fellas. Only thing was only 99% of the fellas were involved in these schoolyard games. It was a handful of little boys jumping double-dutch with girls. In 1988 on the playground of Eugene Meyer Elementary School these little boys already knew who they were. Every single one of those guys stayed on that path. They were gay (or maybe pre-gay) in 88 and they are gay in 2018. Maybe Bugs Bunny got to them. I wonder where our parents were when Bugs Bunny was kissing Elmer Fudd in the mouth. It’s crazy that so many of us sat Indian style watching Saturday morning cartoons eating a bowl of cereal and not only did we grow up to be heterosexual it seems many of us grew up to be homophobic. Come to think of if many young minds were presented with plenty of questionable animation like Ren and Stimpy.
 
We good on all that right?
 
Ok let’s move on to the next thing
 
The black/gay thing is a terrible analogy but that’s all my brain is giving me right and I know it’s going to be some kick back because some people feel like gay is choice. You know like your cousin Tyrone that did 15 years in the state penitentiary and came home with a boyfriend and lisp.
 
Now I know being gay and being black aren’t the same thing but bear with me.
 
Just imagine if you weren’t black. (If you aren’t black it will be way easier to imagine after all you probably never got stopped for driving while black.) I know it’s hard because you love being black. It’s so much pride associated with being black. You’re going to say it loud every chance you get and let the world know you’re black and you’re proud. And with all that pride you want to be represented on TV, in the movies, in politics and all the other facets of life. Pretty much whatever set you claim you want representation and you want people in power positions looking out for your best interest. That's a simple enough explanation right?

But...
 
It’s crazy now it’s this loud beating drum blaring on about the attack on masculinity and traditional family values like we didn’t enjoy Mrs. Doubtfire, White Girls, and Big Mama’s House. It's very strange to be so opposed to something that doesn't effect you at all outside of saying "I don't like that gay shit". Nobody is forcing men into dresses. I promise you. These dudes running around throwing on wigs for the sake of going viral and laughs in these social media video skits aren’t be coerced into it. Wasn’t it hilarious when Terry Crews was trying to rape Katt Williams at the Christmas party in Friday After Next?  Didn’t we make Tyler Perry a millionaire because he reprised Larry Johnson’s “Grandmama” character sans a basketball? Weren’t we here for Bernie Mac and Miguel A. Núñez Jr.’s gay prison marriage in Life? I can’t recall all the outrage or the negative influence on the youth when Ving Rhames was playing a drag queen in Holiday Heart.
 
At the end of day you can always change the channel if you see something that doesn’t move you. (I do it ever time I see a rerun of Martin, but I've yet to start a petition to get it removed from syndication.) If something pops up on your timeline you can always logoff. Nothing is being forced upon because you have the option to tune it out. Until you’re forced to watch a gay couple make out in your livingroom at gun point I don’t see how anything is being pushed on you. Unless of course you’re highly suggestable to the “gay agenda” then your lifestyle is at risk and you should absolutely be up in arms about it.
 
There isn’t a gay agenda it’s just people that don’t know how to look away from things they don’t want to see
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Dating As a Thug Can Be Stressful

Let me get this out of the way right quick. It was a time in life where I might have fallen under the thug label. A woman I once dated often referred to me as “thug life”. Now my interpretation of a thug and what was deem a thug by the general consensus varied greatly. I mean I’ve done a few things here and there but I wasn’t exactly fit to be an extra in HBO’s The Wire. I felt that holding a job consistently and my car wasn’t in my momma’s name at the very least should have pushed me out of the thug category. It didn’t.

 
Now being a thug, or at minimum, being viewed as a thug has some added pressures and requirements over being viewed as a square. Let’s get into it.
 
Drugs
Being a thug means having drugs on demand for her and her friends. You instantly become the plug for tree, molly, lean or whatever she might be into. You might not even sell drugs but you know somebody with it at all times on speed dial. She also doesn’t expect to pay because you’ve been receiving consistent pussi payments so you’ve already been paid. Which can be costly because drugs aren’t free.
 
The connect on all things illegal
Seriously all things illegal.
Getting the boot off your car because of all your unpaid parking tickets? It can be done.
Illegal cable? Yep
Jail broken Amazon Fire stick? Sure
Half off food stamps? Absolutely
Guns? You bet
Crack heads that steal stuff from Target, CVS and Macy’s? Hell yeah
Pretty much anything shady and underhanded you are the direct connection to the black market and the underworld. The pressure is real.
 
Random acts of violence on demand
She may have never seen you step on a grape during a food fight but you automatically become the enforcer, the muscle, the shooter or whatever the kids are calling it these days. She’ll go from law abiding citizen square chick to the girlfriend of gangster and will let it be known. “Oh my baby crazy he doesn’t play.” And she just waiting for her moment to take off your choke collar and let you loose on her foes. If somebody is broke into her car, on the other side of town in the dead of night, the first call is coming to you. Yes; you not the cops or her insurance company. It’s time to pull up with your goons and track down whoever this to her car and make them pay. There’s a guy at her job that gets on her nerves so you or somebody you know needs to beat him up.
 
Encyclopedia Britannica: The Underworld Edition
Every crime, every criminal, you know who did it, why and for how much. For all hood lingo you are the ghetto Rosetta stone. She just finished listening to that Lil Baby mixtape and he use some terms she’s not familiar with then you need to be defining them. That’s just one of things you’re supposed to know at all times along with the going price of a kilo, why is mid still selling, where’s the closest chop shop and who is her favorite celebs personal drug dealer.
 
It ain’t easy being a thug
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Half woke

“Knowledge itself is power” - Sir Francis Bacon

When I was a kid G.I. Joe told me that knowing was half the battle. I’m not going to give Duke and Cobra Commander all the credit for my thirst for knowledge. I personally hate being wrong. I can’t stand it.  A huge part of not being wrong is knowing shit. So as I child I got about knowing shit. By the way I am a child of the 80’s; you know the pre-internet, pre-google and shit era. I read the newspaper. I read the encyclopedia. I read the dictionary; I mean I still can’t spell for shit but I know the meanings of words so when I tell you “words mean things” I’m eluding to the fact that you’re not saying what you think you’re saying. Anyway as time went on information was easier to obtain from reading books in the library, to looking up shit on Yahoo from the desktop, to googling shit on my smart phone. It’s way easier now to be in the know than it ever was before. I could say with absolute certainty we have the ability to be the most informed generation of all time. Unfortunately, that is not the case.

 

“There's proof in the very Bible you ask us to read, in Revelations, first chapter, verse fourteen and fifteen, that Jesus had hair like wool and feet the color of brass.” – Denzel Washington as Malcom X

Since 1992 this inaccurate quote has been haunting black people. I just thought I’d throw that in there right fast because this was the Book of Revelation Jesus (the end of everything Jesus) with hair as WHITE as wool and he also had eyes of fire.

 

I intended to write this blog during that whole “Slavery was choice” debacle but I got over it as I tend to do with 90%of this shit bouncing around in my head. (You’re so lucky I don’t even post a 3^rd of the shit I write up. It’s a lot.) Then I accidentally got myself in an argument about black ice cream. And I do mean by accident. I just knew that person couldn’t be serious. I just knew I was getting trolled. Here I was going back and forth about the ingredients of fucking ice cream and why vanilla ice cream was never black and couldn’t possibly be black. Forget the fact that vanilla beans go for about $200 per pound so the amount it would take to make two scoops of ice cream black would probably make it the same price as a porterhouse steak at Morton’s. Anyway it’s way too many people getting history lessons from memes and taking it on as fact.

 

Dumb woke.

 

See the problem with all the access to information there’s a lot of false information. Regrettably false information is so much more engaging than the truth because it’s made the fuck up and subsequently, spreads like wild fire. You know like that photo meme of 2 black men hanging from a tree as a mob of white people look up at them captioned “On July 4^th 1776”. The picture is real; it’s the lynching of Thomas Shipp and Abram Smith on August 7^th1930 in Marion, Indiana. Even if you didn’t know the exact setting or date or circumstances of the photo you should know that cameras didn’t exist 200 years ago. Nope. Clearly not because every year it’s on the timeline.

 

We lack the discipline to fact check the bullshit we share because it’s all so entertaining and thought provoking. I mean why not watch a 5 to 10 minute YouTube video summarizing 400 years of history because it’s filled with jaw dropping imagery and the narrator speaks ever so eloquently? Why not forward it to 25 of your friends because you’ve been newly awoken with this knowledge and you want them to be awaken too? Why not share an article to the timeline no matter what the news outlet knowing you’ve only read the headline? Who cares if it’s fake news? Who cares if the article is 4 years about a recall on Bush’s Baked Beans?

 

Do your research and stop being willfully ignorant

Jean DeGrate be knowing

What Really Grinds My Gears Volume: Whatever

I feel like I used to do this all the time but maybe I didn't I felt like I used to do a lot of shit all the time and it turns out I didn't. I’m awesome at talking about shit I don’t like. Way before Chief Keef became popular for telling folks what he doesn’t like in song I was doing it for free and telling anybody that would listen. I think I’m about to get back into it on a regular basis starting today. (Don’t hold me to that because next week I’ll be off this shiy and on to some other shit.)

 

1. Photoshopped Divas

First off bitch who you fooling? I’ve been feeling some kind of way about this for minute but I was throwing parties and I wanted your $20 so I let that shit live. At every event that shit used to burn me the fuck up. Joints would pull up me with heavily blemished skin, 20 to 60 lbs heavier and 3 shades darker off some “hi Jean I’m such and such” Whole time I’m like “no the fuck you not”. Seriously what’s the end game? People are going to see you in real life and shit is not going to add up. You were getting 8 treatment as a 5 and now people going to feel catfished. Especially you fucking “I love my flaws and all; don’t body shame me” chicks because you don’t even like you. (Gripe adjacent not wearing makeup is not an accomplishment; wearing natural hair is not an accomplishment.)

 

2. Celebrities with social media

I used to love Stacey Dash and then I discovered her on Twitter. (Why did God give this bitch internet access? I can’t even watch Clueless anymore.) I used to love Erykah Badu then I read her tweets. I used to love Kanye and now I wish they would have just kept his jaw wired shut. This information age is giving me way too much information and I don’t like it. Walt Disney was a wild bigot, anti-union and fair wages, but he didn’t have a Twitter account so we still love Mickey Mouse and take our kids to Disney world to spend a small fortune. Ignorance is bliss. Remember when that white lady told LeBron to shut up and play basketball? Of course you do it was kind of a big thing. I don’t want to be that lady but when I find out the people I admire because of their craft are trash people it ruins everything they are to me. Fortunately I will continue to illegally download Kanye’s music because he can’t a single stream out of me.

 

3. Your take on what celebrities should do

It might have been last month or two months ago but one of The Migos bought some random dude a Nissan Altima because of he pulled him out of his wrecked car. You idiots were going off. “An Altima? That’s it?” Should he had bought that man a Maybach? A random dude with no car at all? How is he going to insure that? Call up Lloyd’s of London? You idiots stay with the most input on what rich people should do. From how Ciara should parent baby Future to what Cardi B should be wearing on red carpets. How about you take all that energy and flip it into a part time job so you can pay off your Altima a little bit faster.

 

4. People that complain about what social media won’t let you post

Being on social media is like living in your parents’ house. It’s going to be some rules. Some of them you’re going to agree with because they make perfect sense. Some of them will be ridiculous. Some of them you will out right hate. So no matter how much time you spend on social media, how much influence you think you have, how many internet friends you make or how much money you make off of it you don’t ultimately control your content. You don’t own this platform so you can’t get upset about what you’re allowed to do. You want free reign build your own shit; until then shut the fuck up.

 

5. People that can’t land the plane

Every day I witness people jump into these halfcocked debates without a way to close it out because they haven’t got pass “well I don’t like it so it shouldn’t be a thing”. So I’m bouncing around YouTube this morning and somehow some fucking way I ended up on a video from “The Liberty Hound” titled “You are not oppressed Dave Rubin calmly destroys a crazed hyper-victim”. First off Dave Rubin is a gay sort of stand-up comedian but he is a liberal but really a republican. Yeah; I can’t explain this guy; you’ll just have to Google him. Anyway… this young lady hopped on the mic with all that millennial sass coming at Dave’s neck about the validity of hate speech. In her opening rant she was cooking. Like “Yes, bitch, yes”. Then Dave came back with his rebuttal that wasn’t necessarily brilliant but he asked her to give some examples of her oppression caused via hate speech and how the government could fix it and this bitch said “I have no reason to talk about my own oppression because that’s just like mental energy so unless I’m going to be paid”. From that moment on it all went downhill she was never ready to bring it home. She never fleshed out her own argument. She never got to the bottom of what she feels from hate speech and how that translates into a toxic environment and if it is or isn’t a worthy infringement on freedom of speech. I hate that shit so much.

 

I probably won’t do this again. Maybe. Possibly. I’m legit angry typing this.

Jean DeGrate has spoken

I’m Afraid of Some Shit

I used to be fearless. Not in that crazy way of fearlessness where I threw caution to the wind. Nah buddy. I definitely used to be way cooler and nothing could shake my cool. I sat Indian style eating a bowl of cereal watching the second plane crash into the World Trade Center thinking “Wow this is crazy”. I never felt like Osama Bin Laden was going to change the American way of life. Even when the DC Sniper was running around DC I kept it business as usual. Some 16 years later fear has found it’s way into my heart and I’m going to share a few things with you.

 

People that share extremely personal info on social media

“Everybody done turned their back on me in my time of need. I’m about to ride myself from now on. I just broke the windshield out of my baby father’s car and cut all his tires because his new bitch ain’t better than me.” “This child support got my check looking crazy. I’m about hit a move or go cop something for the quick flip.” Even reading this on my smart phone screen has me feeling some sort of way. Like don’t they know the feds watching? I don’t want to click like or comment because I don’t even want them to know I seen this. They out here baring their souls and rumbling with their demons in front of a bunch of strangers so I know without a shadow of doubt that they don’t give a fuck and they are about that smoke. I’m frightened.

 

White people holding cell phones

Wednesday I illegally parked and when I hoped out of my car there was a white man holding his cell phone making a call. Right then and phcking there my heart skipped 6 beats and I instantly envisioned returning to my car being surrounded by the police. I hoped back in my car and circled the block 4 times until I found a legit spot a whole block away. Funny thing is the parking wasn’t that illegal; the nose of my car was just about 10 inches beyond the “No Parking” sign and the white man wasn’t even looking at me he was just facing my general direction. Homie had me shook because when those white people call the law they pull up with extreme prejudice and I have zero desire to get searched, handcuffed, tazed or shot.

 

Ugly women with several kids

Let me define this a little better. If she’s ugly with 4 plus kids with 2 or more guys this is a clear indication that the pussy is flames. It’s like the first guy that decided to drink from a cows tittie was a wild boy and the second guy to go in was an even wild boy but clearly they were on to something because here we are centuries later with milk in every grocery store. Without actually sleeping with an ugly women with multiple children I’m assuming that the pussy will have you on stuck. How else can you explain why guys keep nutting in these ladies? This is a mystery I’m trying to steer clear of because curiosity might get the best of me.

 

Black people in MAGA hats

I understand white people in MAGA hats. I know they want to stay top dog in the USA and for 8 year Barack Obama threaten that (he really didn’t but the Tiki torch mafia felt some sort of way). Even if Barack was Umar Johnson he still couldn’t make a dent in the chokehold of white privilege. Now black people that have woken up black every day of their lives and have personally experienced injustice and discrimination due to racism and stereotypes choose to put a MAGA hat on top of their head. How are you so disillusioned? America was never great for people that look like you and you’re hoping to return it to its former glory? You sir are a scary motherfucker because you intentionally act against your better interest.

 

Short guys with facial tattoos

First off I’m talking about actually short guys not this “if you’re a man under 6 feet” bullshit. I’m talking about these 5’6 and under dudes. Being a short guy has a lot of disadvantages and adding facial tattoos to that leads me to believe you’re the type of guy that throws caution to the wind and faces all adversities head on. Like if I’m ever in a verbal confrontation with a tattoo faced short guy I’m just going to throw these hands off top. I’m not taking any chances. I’ll sort it out when the dust clears. 

 

People that ride around in 90 degree plus weather with the windows down

Look here I don’t give a fuck how fast you drive 90 degrees is 90 degrees and you’re just getting beat in the face by fast hot ass wind. You probably don’t even have car insurance. You probably stink. You probably have 6 payday advance loans out right now. Your cable is probably in your mother’s name. You probably put 87 octane gas in your car even though it requires 93. I don’t trust you and you scare me.

 

I’m afraid

Jean DeGrate has spoken

Things I’ve learned About Myself

I feel like I know myself pretty well. I know my limits. I know my weaknesses. I know what I want out of life. My morals are steadfast and I know I don’t like grits or potato salad and it doesn’t matter who made it so if you’re reading this we don’t ever have to have that conversation. With that being said I’m constantly learning new things about myself and it’s crazy because I’ve known me all my life. Since I’m always surprising myself I figured I’d share some of those things with you good people.

Sex is relatively low in my prior matrix
I love pussy but the older I get the lower it slides down the totem pole. It was a time in my life at a “you up” text message at 3am on a Wednesday could get me out of the bed, dressed, in the car and driving across town. Now if I’m in the house at 3pm on the Saturday with zero plans, but it looks like it might rain a “WYD” text from some guaranteed action might go unanswered. It goes beyond that too. No matter how fine she is if she’s stupid, plastic, her kids ugly or a vast assortment of other petty reasons I’m not fucking. Sorry but not sorry.

My favorite clothing brand is not Ralph Lauren
I grew up loving it. Before I could buy it on my own I plotted, pleaded and schemed to get it. In my mind I love Polo. In my mind I’m always Polo down to the socks. Only thing is I’m not though. I own maybe 7 Ralph Lauren items and that might be a stretch. One day I opened my closet and I saw whole lot of Hugo Boss and G-Star making up wardrobe essentials. I have more graphic T’s from Target then Ralph shyt.

I lie when I’m drunk
I’m a pretty honest person mainly because I don’t care enough to lie and I lack emotional empathy. Now when I’m drunk it’s a different story or at least that’s what I’ve been told. I remember the first this was bought to my attention. You know how women love to be like “remember what you said last night”? I came to her house wild drunk after the club because she responded to the “you up” text and the homies dropped me off. Well according to her I said she gave me the best head I ever got. I initially thought she was lying because her head wasn’t even in my top 20. I started taking a surveys from people that I’ve been around drunk and you guessed I was doling out these confidence boosting lies like a motivational speaker. So if you want your ego stroked come find me 6 drinks in.

I might not be dad meeting material
I came to this realization when had my kid almost 11 years ago that I had never met the dad of a single woman I’ve ever dated or slept with. I’m 38 now and I’ve slept with over 4… I’ve slept with enough women and I’ve yet to meet a single dad. I’ve never even come close to having one of those Nick Cannon Drumline “the boy is meeting the parents” moments. I might really not be dad meeting material but I’m at least I’m still the “you want some pussy ” material. Look at God.

I’m a cantankerous old man
I’m an 80’s baby with the soul of an 85 year old black man that’s retire and hangs out at the neighborhood barbershop talking shit about what’s wrong with this generation. I’m more irritable than infant that’s teething. Everything erks my soul. That was a reach because it’s not everything it’s just people. People are the worst kind of people and I can’t stand them. People stay doing dumb shit. I actually enjoy hating people.

I’m boring
Don’t let this charm and wit fool you. I’m boring. Like DVR’ing the weather channel to watch it 3 weeks from now boring. Like watching paint dry boring. My list of shit I don’t do and won’t do is longer than the Constitution. I’ve already decided not to do things that haven’t even been invented yet; like time travel, virtual sex and teleportation. So just imagine the stuff that exist right now that I’m not here for like horseback riding. Why would I want to ride something with a mind of it’s own? Never forget a horse put Superman in a wheelchair. Stay woke.

What have you learned about yourself?
Jean DeGrate is still learning Jean DeGrate

These Men Be Broke and Here are 9 Signs

Yesterday I told you about the women so it’s only right that today I talk about the men. Ya’ll know I’m about balance and shit right? Honestly I think women need this info more than men needed the broke chick info because there is really no upside to dating a broke dude. Off top broke dudes are harder to spot because men are so fucking good at hiding their poverty. Their lies are elaborate and the social media is a complete fucking smoke screen and they do a really good job at making piss poor resemble money. Anyway let’s get into.

1. He’s semi-WOKE

Men that continually speak on the disenfranchisement of black people and “the man” systematically holding them back tend to be broke and bitter (a 2 for 1 bonus; stay woke). He’s full of theories and always down to boycott a company for the cause if it doesn’t extend beyond 2 weeks or inconvenience his life. He has hundreds of YouTube videos to back up his thought process on everything from the Illuminati to the Bilderburg group to the destruction of Bill Cosby. Can’t say any of this is the reason why he doesn’t have money but being poor with idle time and access to YouTube tends to make a person feel like some type of scholar.

2. He’s a carry-out/fast food aficionado

Broke boys always know all the good spots to get bad food. The best steak and cheese egg roll in all the land is located at a Chinese carry-out in the seediest side of town. By now everybody is hip to the Chick Fil A sauce but he’s part of the beta test group for the new sauce they’re dropping in fall and all he can say about it is “it’s fire” due to his NDA. He knows every late night pizza spot and dinner in a 50 mile radius. Pretty much any place he can get a meal for less than $14 he’s up on it and it shows because his fridge is filled with half empty containers.

3. He has a lot of hustles

He’s selling jail broken fire sticks. He has a connect on bootleg cable. He’s a mechanic, a party promoter, a barber, an Ůber driver, a landscaper and still manages to work 40 hours on his day job. This man is definitely broke and when he opens his wallet it sighs ever so slightly.

4. He complains about child support/baby mother

Most dudes aren’t out her like Diddy with a herd of children by several different women and endless money. It’s a lot of regular dudes making regular money and hefty child support payments can turn a regular pay check into minimum wage. If he’s going back to court to get his payments lowered he’s probably broke. If his kid calls him to ask for something and he responds “ask your mother she’s getting child support” he’s probably broke. If he can’t understand what his baby mother is spending his money on he’s probably broke.

5. He gently deflects your date suggestions

You want to go to this wine festival that’s all you can eat and drink but its $80 a ticket and a 2 hour drive away so you’ll probably need to book a room too. He counters with a wine bar downtown. You’ve been dying to hit this new fancy seafood restaurant and you’ve been hinting at it for over a month but he’s never in the mood for seafood. He’s deflecting because he doesn’t want to pay for that shyt and be forced to eat Top Ramen for the next pay period.

6. He has a roommate but lives in a shytty neighborhood

Nobody should be going half on an apartment in the trap. If you need help to still be living in the struggle you should probably have stayed in grandma’s basement. If he’s living this way he has terrible credit, selling drugs or he’s really poor.

7. His car is unreliable

His car has been in the shop 3 times for 3 different reasons this year. He just keeps dumping money into it. Digging up money to do one repair at time because he’s too broke to get it all fixed at once or scrap the car all together and buy something new. When his car in the shop and he’s not even hopping in an Ůber; just sitting in the house on stuck he’s probably wild broke.

8. His clothes are ill fitting or he has loud and ugly designer clothing

He dresses like Tim Duncan in the off season. His jeans are 2 sizes too big causing them to buckle at the waist with his belt. His pants inseams are 4 inches too long. His shirts all fit like he used to be 70lbs heavier and he hasn’t gotten around to shopping since he got skinny. He’s broke. He out in these street with True Religion head to toe with the horseshoe logo on everything and none of that shyt matches? He got it from the outlet sis on clearance. He’s still rocking Giuseppe shoes with the all the gold hardware looking like an African scammer from 2014? He’s broke and copped those on EBay gently used.

9. He's a self proclaimed good dude
A good dude. A good hard working man. If he leads with any of that shit his pockets are tighter than skinny jeans on a fat boy. Him and his 98 Camry are on the way to bigger things; he's just waiting on his moment and needs a good woman in his corner who's trying to build with him and possibly loan 150 until payday.

You might have a broke boy on your hands
Jean DeGrate has spoken

These Women Be Broke and Here are 8 Signs

Dealing with a financially challenged woman is really a mixed bag depending on what type of man you are, what financially position you’re and what position you’d like her to fill. If you have a little bit of money broke chicks make excellent side bitches if you’re down to pay a cable bill or two. However you want to play is up to you but here are some signs that she might be a broke chick.

1. She complains about her friends and family not supporting her and/or not being loyal
Broke women always need help but they tend to call it a lack of support and loyalty. People around them are never supportive enough or loyal enough because they need a lot. She’s a burden on her friends and family in actuality. She doesn’t see it that way though.

2. She doesn’t believe in buying nice things for her kids
As we all know kids out grow shit and break shit because kids are kids. She ain’t buying her kid a PS4 because he broke a “see and say” when he was 3. “I ain’t buying no Jordans so you can out grow them in a month” knowing damn well this kid has never out grown anything in a month; it took him 3 years to outgrow the pacifier.  If she is a firm believer in not buying nice shit aka expensive things for her kid based on the premise that kids will ruin it she probably broke.

3. She has a stupid side hustle
Sometimes stupid and poor go hand in hand. A broke bitch loves a silly ass side hustle. She might be selling Ciroc minis for $5 a piece at a cookout looking to make a 1000. She might start a weave recycling business wear she’s washing, dying and reselling old bundles. Either way she’s going to jump out the window with some sort of dumb ass get rich quick scheme and think she’s cornering the market on renting spoons or something.

4. She plays the lotto faithfully
She’s in a Powerball pool at work and still playing Powerball on the side when the jackpot gets a little high. She’s playing the pick 4 and the pick 3. If she ever said “I played 4126 and that bitch came out 4125” that's all you need to know.

5. She’s under 40 and smokes cigarettes (especially menthol cigarettes)
I don’t know what it is about black poverty and Newports but poor people love it. If she’s rolling around with that clear 2 for a dollar crack head plastic lighter and that box pack of 100’s on deck she probably paying her rent on the 5th and not a day before.

6. She complains about her baby daddy
Baby daddies not pulling their weight or doing their part seems to be a very common narrative chiefly amongst broke women. If she got that bag, holding shit down with ease; you’re not going to hear shit about her baby daddy. On the flipside if she’s been in the house wearing a winter coat because that gas bill too high and making syrup sandwiches because payday is 5 days away; she’s going to have all the smoke for her baby daddy and she’s going to tell you about it.

7. Her weave is terrible
Her invisible part isn’t remotely convincing. Her weave looks like she can take it off like a fitted cap and set it on the nightstand. Her hair looks more like an old Whitney Houston wig during her Bobby Brown cocaine era than it does those $400 bundles folks are raving about it. It is what it is fam.

8. She has plans for money she doesn’t have yet
She was doing the Birdman hand rub in November for her tax return that was coming in March. She knows exactly what she’s spending the pay check after next after next after next on. She knows what months have 3 paydays in them for 2019 right now. That money is spent before the direct deposit hits.

I’m not saying she broke but she’s fitting the broke criteria
Jean DeGrate has spoken

My thoughts on the NFL

I boycotted the NFL last year. I didn’t make a big deal of it. I didn’t change my FB profile. I didn’t do any hash tags. Truth is I didn’t have much to boycott; I’m a Dolphins fan. It was amazingly easy to do. In light of the new ruling of fining teams for players that take the field and refuse to stand for the National Anthem I decided to just not watch the NFL anymore. That’s just me though. You can do as you please and I’m not here to influence you but to offer an suggestion.

Some years back I saw a gay man working at Chick Fil A. If you didn’t know the founder of Chick Fil A Sam Truett Cathy wasn’t with that gay shit and donated money to organizations that promoted “traditional” family values. All the same there was a gay man working at Chick Fil A taking orders and giving up that top notch Chick Fil A customer service. It struck me as odd. Working for a company with a founder and CEO that is openly against your lifestyle just seemed kind of off. Fast forward 5 or 6 years and we have Colin Kaepernick kneeling during the anthem because of police violence and social injustice and shit. It would be wrong to say the NFL was opposed to resolving the issues Colin was kneeling for but I can say as an organization the NFL didn’t give a fuck about said issues.

Fast forward to last week and the internet was like “the NFL is 127% black even the refs are half black because their shirts are striped if they sit out blah… blah… blah.” You know the internet stays with these theories and these halfcocked plans to over thrown tyranny. Granted this is the same internet that would punter kick a puppy into highway traffic for 5 million. Then I thought to myself would I risk my career and gamble with the future of my family to kneel on the sideline? Would I throw caution to wind and leverage my only talent against the league? Would I take my current job that I’ve down for free for years to get to this point risking life and injury to stick it to “the man”? Or would I grit my teeth, bury my pride, stand and put my hand across my heart when the anthem is played? I would surely choose the latter. Colin Kaepernick is still a top 20 QB and Robert Griffin III is signed to the Ravens with a kneecap as stable as Jell-O in a wind storm. Clearly talent isn’t enough. Clearly. With this knowledge I would know with absolute certainty that the league with dispose of me and I wouldn’t be a martyr because Colin already has that job. I would be forgotten and the checks would stop coming.

This isn’t a player issue. This is a fan issue. Unlike the superstar filled NBA the NFL is filled with faceless players. 60 man rosters with 55 of them unrecognizable to the average Joe in passing on the street. The fans fill the stadiums. The fans buy the merchandise. The fans watch the games generating ad revenue. So maybe before we jump out of the window and ask these men to fuck up their money maybe the fans can just hold on to their money instead.

It’s just a thought tho.

Men are actually DTF

I dropped a blog earlier this week detailing how women are not really DTF due to the fact that…

1. Women almost exclusively fuck on their own terms

2. Women discriminate A LOT (and I mean a whole fucking lot)

The majority of men don’t have those hang ups. A LARGE percentage of men indiscriminately fuck . I don’t think women really wrapped their heads around it. I didn’t really see it on a large scale until I had to defend my blog by pointing out women’s unwillingness to fuck (excluding a very small percentage and even that is mood based).  See the problem is I don’t think you people know what "Down To Fuck" actually means. Let me help you.

Ok we all understand the F part so I don’t feel like I really need to flesh that out. We’re going to focus on the “Down to” portion. So DT means open to the suggestion or invitation to of whatever the ending word eludes to. Like “Down to hit a bar” is pretty clear cut. “Down to eat” needs to no explanation. I think that where a lot of women folk got lost.

This isn’t a man bashing blog but men are gross. This is a fact not an opinion. I’ve heard several men in my lifetime say “I don’t turn down nothing but my collar” it’s a pretty common saying amongst the 40 and over men folks. I once worked this guy, Charles Cooper and yes that’s his real name; his mantra was “I don’t turn down nothing but my collar”. Now Chuck was married with 2 kids and very unattractive. His teeth were the color of lemonade. The hair he had remaining on his head closely resembled lint gently sprinkled over melted brown wax. He wore those Harlem Nights Redd Foxx glasses and I’m just going to stop here because it was all bad. I don’t know what was more amazing; the fact that he found a woman to marry him and bare his children or the fact that he was ready and willing to cheat on that woman so indiscriminately. I think this was my first revelation of how DTF men really are but let me bring it home and make it real for you.

Men aren’t going to let any silly shit like titles and relationships get in the way of fucking

Men will knowingly fuck another man’s girlfriend. Men will knowingly fuck another man’s wife. Men will knowingly fuck his homie’s baby mother. Men will risk sexual harassment at work to fuck a co-worker. Men will fuck their kids’ teachers. Men will knowingly fuck his girlfriend/wife’s friends and co-workers. Remember in Baby Boy when Jody got the head off of Yvette’s co-worker then stormed out? Yeah; that was a crock of shit because that would never happened. In real life he would have gotten that nut off.

First baby mothers

It’s a lot dudes out here with that first baby mother looking Biggie Smalls in drag especially if they had that kid between 17 and 24 before they got their lives together. That’s the stage of his life when he was driving the Crown Victoria with no AC and mismatched painted doors. Meanwhile, that second baby mother that he knocked up after he got his money up and life together looks like an Instagram model. Why you ask? Because men are down to fuck the women willing to fuck them and even procreate with them from time to time.

Prison is super gay

I don’t know any openly gay drug dealers, gang bangers, burglars or members of any mob. Somehow, someway being locked in a cell turns heterosexual criminals into gay inmates. You know all that rape that they push in prison movies and TV shows? Yeah; that’s not really a thing. These men are willingly fucking each other. Not all of them but a whole lot of them are prison gay DTF.

Men pay for sex

Nothing says DTF more than a willingness to purchase sex and purchase it from a vast amount of vendors. The same guys that doen’t eat fast food, that lives in the gym, that drives luxury cars and watches YouTube reviews before making a purchase will hand over $300 to a random stripper to get off a nut in a dimly parking lot. Yeah we about that life. Not only are we down to fuck a total stranger we are down to pay that total stranger to fuck us.

I rest my case your honor
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Myth - These Hoes Are Everywhere

"These hoes; they for everybody" - Juicy J

So a tweet that made it to Facebook read....

"There are women out here who are DTF, no strings attached. But men don't want them; they're "hoes". They want to manipulate and break down a woman who wants more into settling for just sex. Mentally deranged." 

The first time I saw it on the timeline I read it, laughed and kept scrolling. The second time I saw it I scanned a few comments then went about my business. The third time I saw it a read the comments and the generally consensus of the vagina owning parties was "Where's the lie". The men manipulating women into settling for sex part has some truth to it. She could work on the phrasing a bit but the general gist of men using shading practices to get sex is pretty spot on. The part that is absolutely false is the "There are women out here who are DTF; no strings attached" bit. And if you don't know DTF translates into "down to phck". I mean there are women out here that are DTF but those women are commonly referred to as prostitutes.

I'm glad we got that out of the way now we can get to these readily accessible DTF hoes. 

To me the term hoe covers both sexes but in this blog I'll only focus on women.

I know hoes; in different area codes. I've studied hoes and I mean legitimate hoes with a body count that well exceed their years on earth. (Simple hoe equation Body count - Age = hoe status) After all what makes a hoe a hoe is volume; please don't ever forget it. Via my studies I've learn these mythical hoes that phck on command don't exist but let me break it down for you...

Women don't embrace being a hoe
Samantha and Carrie were dropping bodies for 6 season of "Sex in the City" but at the same time they weren't here for everybody. Nobody could randomly grab either one of them by the hand and lead them to a bathroom stall to smash it out. The "I'm DTF" hashtag will never take off. There will never be a "Hoe is life" bummer sticker for sale. A woman can dropped 20 bodies in a weekend but she ain't a hoe she just did some hoe shit. She might have had a hoe phase but it was never a way of life. She was young and dumb. She was exploring her sexuality via a summer of one night stands but she is now or has ever been a hoe. 

Being straight forward doesn't work
Asking for nudes is a great way to get your contact info deleted and blocked but we're supposed to believe that asking for sex straight up is a feasible tactic. Nah fam.  Ok being straight forward can work but you can't be just an ordinary guy. David Beckham can be straight forward. LeBron James can be straight forward. Drake can be straight forward. Brad Pitt can be straight forward. Pretty much any man that can't walk down a public street without being asked for autograph can afford to be straight forward and the odds will be heavily in his favor. Now for the rest of us... No dice. Being straight forward is a great way to get smacked. The "I'm just trying to fuck" line will fail 99.9999% of the time and probably get you cursed out for the culture.

Women fuck on their own accord
Vagina all have that sign that you fine at the entrance of fast food restaurants "we reserve the right to refuse service for any reason". Men don't really have a lot of say when it comes to getting the pussy outside of accepting it the first few times. Everybody is familiar with the term "He talked himself out of the pussy" right? Right. Most of the time there is no direct declarations that a man is in the running for some sex. Women decide when and who they are going to fuck. Women intentionally put themselves in positions to get fucked. They'll have an entire game plan together and all the man has to do is play his part and don't do anything stupid. 

You know a girl that DTF? Tag her below. I have questions.
Jean DeGrate is calling your bluff

Men be lying

Yup we are dishonest and I know you know this but probably not to the full extent so let me put you on game right quick.  Men lie. That’s what we do. We lie to make women feel special. We lie to give the illusion of common ground. We lie to seem better than what we are. And believe it or not none of this is malicious; well at least our intentions are not to be malicious. And this is what we lie about the most…

1. His ex

It’s rare that a man will take the blame for the deterioration of his last relationship or at the very least he’ll misconstrue the facts to justify his wrong doings. In actuality he’ll paint the image of his ex being the bad guy. It doesn’t matter if he cheated on her, beat on her and neglected her.  He’ll also paint the image of her wanting that old thing back further adding the myth that he’s a greater catch than he is.

2. Common interest

Men are the originators of being about that “me too” life they just do it in a less obvious way. Remember when Vanessa Bell-Calloway was telling Eddie Murphy “whatever food you like” and “whatever music you like” in the beginning of Coming to America? Of course you do it’s an American classic. Guys have that same energy but do it in a much smoother way. Half of his battle to winning women over is making it seem like him and the women of his interest are long lost kindred spirits. Guys ask open ended questions, discovery your interest and instantly morph into the man of her dreams. Now ya’ll read the same books, listen to the same music and eat the same foods.

3. Being treated well

Men love to act like Oliver Twist. You know the orphan born in a workhouse who never knew an act of kindness? Y’all fucking with Charles Dickens right? Anyway we love to act like motherfuckers never loved us; no Drake. We love to pretend like we’ve been mistreated and used by every woman prior to meeting the new woman.  The new woman comes along and everything she does is magic.  If she shows up to his home with a flat half empty bottle of Rock Creek grape soda he’ll act like she bought him some of the wine Jesus made at the first fish fry. If she offers to pay the tip on dinner he’ll act as if you just offered to pay off his student loans. Every small gesture, every nicety and every time she takes his empty dinner plate to the sink is a whole new experience for him. (Which in turn changes into entitlement issues down the road but that’s a different topic for a different blog.) In a nutshell we lie and make a big deal out of basic shit; you know like when you child shows some trash ass art they made.

4. The quality of your vagina and your cooking

If neither your vagina nor food is trash; I mean both just have to be ok we will act like it is the best thing we’ve ever experienced. Why you ask? Because we want you to feel special and it isn’t anything else to it.

5. His situation

Men have problems with transparency. You want us to keep in 100 and counteroffer is 87 at best. We’re going to omit shit, conveniently forget shit and straight up lie about shit. Like his baby mother is crazy and bitter but omit the fact that he made her crazy and bitter because he sold her a dream, knocked her up and turned her into a baby mother. We’ll forget to mention that we live in our homies basement instead of an actual basement apartment. We’ll forget to mention we got our Benz at auction with 193k miles on it and it’s on its last leg but we keep the rims clean. We will forgot to mention pretty much anything that will make a woman look at us sideways and potentially be a deal breaker. Then we just lie about the other shit if you back us into a corner and by in a corner I mean ask any direct questions.

We be lying and you will deal
Jean DeGrate has spoken

If Slavery Was a Choice You'd Probably Be a Slave if…

Real talk I have about 30 of these “You'd probably be a slave if “ rolling around in my head right now but it’s Monday morning and I have some work to do so I’m rattle off 5 of 6 of them. I might swing back around and give up another 10 or so because I think that as far as I can go because some of these are wild off color. If you know me in real life hit my line and I’ll tell you a few because I can’t put this shit in print.

Slavery most definitely was NOT a choice. Mainly because the slave population was out numbered 10 to 1 by the whites, black people weren't considered people and they were dependent on their oppressors for survival. But fuck all that let's pretend the options exceeded beyond slave or die and Negroes could just up and leave to live out their dreams. So with that let's walk hand in hand down the road of make believe.

You'd probably be a slave if you're out of shape
Unfortunately there wasn't an actual train on the Underground Railroad. It was a lot of walking, running and wading in the water and shit. So if you're the catch an elevator up to the 3rd floor type you'd more than likely still be picking cotton. Flourish.

You'd probably be a slave if you live with your mom
Failure to launch in the world of supposedly equal rights and shit is a plight on to itself. Now just imagine stepping out on your own into a world that absolutely hates you outside of shackles. Foregoing room and board and everybody you've ever known to step out into the unknown is probably not the move for you.

You'd probably be a slave if you have allergies
All you hay fever having Claritin D popping motherfuckers would be miserable cutting thru the backwoods on the road to freedom. You can't be coughing and wheezing with the slave recovery unit hot on your trail. You'd give your position away and be on your way back to the plantation to get your foot cut off.

You'd probably be a slave if you're soft
The runaway slave life is no life for a bitch ass nigga. If you've ever cried after a hard day of work you might not be strong enough to be on the run in Pre-Civil War America. If you've ever let a person bully you you're not about to rise up against these odds.

You'd probably be a slave if you're on forever drugs
For those that aren't familiar with the term "forever drugs" it's slang for prescription medication that you have to take until you die. Opting out of slavery also means opting out of your health insurance. So you asthma, arthritis and those other ailments will have to do without in this no coloreds allowed society.

You'd probably be a slave if you can't commit to a cause
You were boycotting H&M but you couldn't fit your clothes from last spring. You considered boycotting Starbucks but 7-11 coffee sucks. To be perfectly honest the furthest you're come to sticking it to the man is using the Black Lives Matter hashtag. You're not in the business of pushing yourself out of your comfort zone so as long as you're getting fed with Sundays off all is fine.

You'd probably be a slave if you're a Christian
It's a lot of things the bible is against like eating shellfish, eating pork, fried chicken and mixing fabrics in your outfit. But slavery was A OK. Jesus and the Jews wanted slaves to stay in their lanes.

You'd probably be a slave if you can't fight
It's bad enough as a slave you didn't know how to read, write, ride a horse or operate a gun so the ability to throw them hands is the bare minimum of survival skills. When it’s time to over throw master and them what exactly are you going to be doing?

You’d probably be a slave if you’re bad with money
You think black have a hard time getting loans and shit now; I can’t wait to tell you not a bank in the land was going to let your used to be a slave ass hold shit. All you chapter 11, repos and foreclosures, check to check people going to be right back on the plantation with Toby and them the first time you fuck up the money.

You’d also probably be a slave if you were black because you were black I’m just saying tho
Jean DeGrate has spoken