Real talk I have about 30 of these “You'd probably be a slave if “ rolling around in my head right now but it’s Monday morning and I have some work to do so I’m rattle off 5 of 6 of them. I might swing back around and give up another 10 or so because I think that as far as I can go because some of these are wild off color. If you know me in real life hit my line and I’ll tell you a few because I can’t put this shit in print.
Slavery most definitely was NOT a choice. Mainly because the slave population was out numbered 10 to 1 by the whites, black people weren't considered people and they were dependent on their oppressors for survival. But fuck all that let's pretend the options exceeded beyond slave or die and Negroes could just up and leave to live out their dreams. So with that let's walk hand in hand down the road of make believe.
You'd probably be a slave if you're out of shape
Unfortunately there wasn't an actual train on the Underground Railroad. It was a lot of walking, running and wading in the water and shit. So if you're the catch an elevator up to the 3rd floor type you'd more than likely still be picking cotton. Flourish.
You'd probably be a slave if you live with your mom
Failure to launch in the world of supposedly equal rights and shit is a plight on to itself. Now just imagine stepping out on your own into a world that absolutely hates you outside of shackles. Foregoing room and board and everybody you've ever known to step out into the unknown is probably not the move for you.
You'd probably be a slave if you have allergies
All you hay fever having Claritin D popping motherfuckers would be miserable cutting thru the backwoods on the road to freedom. You can't be coughing and wheezing with the slave recovery unit hot on your trail. You'd give your position away and be on your way back to the plantation to get your foot cut off.
You'd probably be a slave if you're soft
The runaway slave life is no life for a bitch ass nigga. If you've ever cried after a hard day of work you might not be strong enough to be on the run in Pre-Civil War America. If you've ever let a person bully you you're not about to rise up against these odds.
You'd probably be a slave if you're on forever drugs
For those that aren't familiar with the term "forever drugs" it's slang for prescription medication that you have to take until you die. Opting out of slavery also means opting out of your health insurance. So you asthma, arthritis and those other ailments will have to do without in this no coloreds allowed society.
You'd probably be a slave if you can't commit to a cause
You were boycotting H&M but you couldn't fit your clothes from last spring. You considered boycotting Starbucks but 7-11 coffee sucks. To be perfectly honest the furthest you're come to sticking it to the man is using the Black Lives Matter hashtag. You're not in the business of pushing yourself out of your comfort zone so as long as you're getting fed with Sundays off all is fine.
You'd probably be a slave if you're a Christian
It's a lot of things the bible is against like eating shellfish, eating pork, fried chicken and mixing fabrics in your outfit. But slavery was A OK. Jesus and the Jews wanted slaves to stay in their lanes.
You'd probably be a slave if you can't fight
It's bad enough as a slave you didn't know how to read, write, ride a horse or operate a gun so the ability to throw them hands is the bare minimum of survival skills. When it’s time to over throw master and them what exactly are you going to be doing?
You’d probably be a slave if you’re bad with money
You think black have a hard time getting loans and shit now; I can’t wait to tell you not a bank in the land was going to let your used to be a slave ass hold shit. All you chapter 11, repos and foreclosures, check to check people going to be right back on the plantation with Toby and them the first time you fuck up the money.
You’d also probably be a slave if you were black because you were black I’m just saying tho
Jean DeGrate has spoken
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