Saturday, March 12, 2016

The Great Away Game Debacle

I haven’t shared one of my Jean DeGrate tales in a good little while so I figured today is as good as a time as any especially since the end of cuffing season is right around the corner and I know a few of you will be breaking free of your relationship bonds to flourish in this warmer weather.

First off “Away game” is a term I came up with for going to the other person’s home to have sex. I’m sure I’ve spoken on a previous blog about this, but its pros and cons to this shit. (If you’re already in the know you can just skip the next 3 of 4 paragraphs because this is kind of a 2 for 1 blog.)

The pros include…

1. Avoiding that awkwardness of trying to get your hook-up to leave.
I’ve had to get fully dressed and stand at the foot of my bed whilst tapping her on the foot asking “So what you about to do?” Followed back leaving my own home only to circle back around to get undressed and get back into bed.

2. No CSI level search of your home for shit level behind by your hook-up.
I used to have a shoe box full of jewelry, bonnets and other miscellaneous shit women conveniently leave behind. How do you just abandon your shit after a night out? Do you have endless cell phone chargers? Are balling to the point that you just have throw away jewelry?

3. No pre or post sex clean-up.
I don’t have to kick that pile of laundry I’ve been avoiding doing for the last 6 days into the closet. I don’t have to wash that mountain of dishes in my sink and I can continue washing 1 dish at a time as needed. Most importantly I don’t have to clean up afterwards. No post sex washrags to handle and no changing of the bed sheets.

And these are just my top 3.

The cons are normally minor like bad ass kids running around and trying to play games on your phone or traveling to shitty neighborhood where you’ll spend half the night checking to see if the rims are still on your car. Yeah I know; small things to a giant but normally when shit goes left it really goes left and this is a tale of one of those occurrences.

As in any away game played on a field you’re unfamiliar with you can never know what to anticipate. Toss all expectations out of the window because how you envisioned a person maybe living by how they look and operate in the public world can be totally different behind closed doors. Please believe me. Anyway on with the story…

Single moms are the most likely to be down for the away game mainly because of child care issues. Let’s call her Kim because I haven’t used that fake name in a while and her name really begins with “K” so I won’t have to go back and delete her real name all throughout this blog. The after bedtime breeze thru is practically always clutch and this story starts off as clutch. After literally 3 outings over the span of 4 months of knowing each other, due to the aforementioned child care issues, I get the greenlight to swing pass. Normally I bail out on a chick after 2 failed planned dates but she was super cool and by “super cool” I mean her body was fucking crazy and I really needed to see her naked. Don’t judge me; I’m only human. After the already prepared “I don’t really let people come over because I don’t allow strange men around my kids” speech (it’s the speech 9 out of 10 baby mommas approve of) we set the date for the home visit.

Kim drove a 2006 or 2007 AMG E55 Benz and if you didn’t know 2 digit Benz’s are kind of a big deal. On the 4 occasions I saw her she carried a different high end designer bag and to top it off on our last outing she paid the tab. Not in that “”I got this” then you say “Nah I got this” and she quickly ends attempting to pay the bill” type of way. Nope, I went to the bathroom, came back to the table then motioned the waiter for the check and she said “I already handled the check”. I was floored; I might have even blushed so I thought “oh this chick is balling”. With all this knowledge I’m fully expecting her home to be laid the fuck out. Nope.

The home visit date was set for a Wednesday and work night home visits are the best because A. you don’t have to spend the night and B. it typically gets right to the point and by “the point” I mean sex. Unfortunately this just happened to be a day that I worked 14 hours and the only that got me thru the day was the idea of seeing Kim naked. Yeah, that was definitely the light at the end of my tunnel in a day that seemed to go on forever. I hate going into these arbitrary non-designed Maryland neighborhoods that require 14 lefts and 3 rights to park on some dimly lit street with no sidewalk or street signs and as fate would have it she lived in one of those exact neighborhoods in Fort Washington. After a 57 minute trip that GPS timed at 24 minutes I finally pull up to Kim’s home at 11:08pm.

JD - I think I’m outside. Its 7411 right? I don’t see your car but I think this is it. Is there a grey minivan parked out front?

Kim – You’re here. Just come around to the backdoor.

It’s a single family home 2 stories and it’s a pretty big house; way too much house for an adult with just 2 kids, so yeah fuck it I’m impressed. I start my trek thru the lawn using my cell phone as a flashlight and almost walk into a deer the size of a fucking horse (a small horse but still very much horse sized). I jump back slip and fall. Now I’m literally lying on my back looking up at a deer who isn’t even remotely fazed by my presence. He’s just standing there eating flowers and shit; looks over at me then gets right back to eating these flowers. Right then and there I should have said “Fuck this shit” and walked back to my car then took my ass home, but instead I gather myself, stand up, tell the deer excuse me and calmly walked around him. I’m at the back of the house looking up at the deck and under the deck it’s stairs leading to sliding glass door where Kim is standing in a bathrobe motioning me in. In hindsight a red light should have popped on in my head when I was entering through a backdoor basement entrance in the still of the night like I was dating a teenaged girl and she was sneaking me in for a quickie while her parents were asleep.

So here I am standing in an unfinished basement with a concrete floor, a couch, a handful of folding chair and a big back floor model TV clearly from the early 90’s. Still no red light going off in my head, even after she immediately left me alone for an entire 15 minutes in the dark in this dungeon /trap house chic basement. It wasn’t that bad in retrospect because I had just downloaded Street Fighter II on my Sidekick LX, the 15 minutes alone not visit. Kim finally comes back Pink Panther like tie toeing in bunny slippers and leads me by the hand to a den on the main level in the dark. The den is more like what I expected plush leather couch, 2 matching lazy boy chairs and a large flat screen but it was an autographed framed Troy Aikman jersey on the wall. A little bit of a red light went off let’s call it a yellow light but I was too focused on seeing what was under that bathrobe.

It’s about 11:45 I’m on my second glass of Hennessy Privilege, she’s still nursing her first and we’re watching reruns of Martin because colored people love reruns of Martin. If you never seen me I have very long dreds that come to bottom of my back and sometimes my hair rub me the wrong way that feels like a bug is crawling on me. That last sentence is very valid to what happened next. She starts playing in my hair then straddles me. Somehow a dred lands directly in my ear canal and I’m nonchalantly trying to brush it away from my ear. Ok it’s still in my ear and I’m starting to freak out just a little bit to the point that I’m gently shaking my head left to right in a Stevie Wonder fashion but still trying to not look crazy. Nope, it’s still there I have to go in. I pull all my hair back but I feel the “dred” moving down my jawline. I grab it and it slightly crunches in my hand. It’s a motherfucking roach. I just killed a roach on my face. All cool has left the building. I hop up while Kim is still straddled across my lap and the way physics is set up she falls on the floor with a loud thud. Kim doesn’t even yell out from hitting this hard wood floor she just gives me the “shhhh” finger. Bitch. I didn’t say that instead I said “Son I just killed a roach on my face”. I walked over to the wall hit the light switch and it’s a duo of roaches doing laps around the framed jersey hanging on the wall. I’m all the way freaked out. I’m checking my clothes for bugs and shit while Kim is still sitting on the floor in silence and STILL giving me the “shhhh” finger. I grab my hat and I’m out the door but since I’ve been lead around the house in darkness I don’t know where I’m going. She comes running out of the den behind and I yell “Hey let me out of this motherfucker”. Then I hear a deep booming voice in the distance “Kim who the fuck do you have in my house?” Just like I go from freaked out and disgusted to full out panic mode, I’m turning random door knobs looking for light switches, I’m bouncing off the walls like a pinball. Out of the darkness Kim grabs my arm and a snatched away from her like a single white woman walking down a dark alley in the begin of a “Law and Order: SVU” episode. I was beyond paranoid and now I can hear footsteps of somebody coming downstairs. She opens the front door then I see the light from the street and make a run for it. I hoped in my car and took off like I just robbed the neighborhood liquor store.

No I don’t know who was upstairs yelling and no I don’t who’s the actually owner of that home. My closure was escaping that home. Needless to say I never accepted a phone call from Kim ever again in addition to failing to see her naked. Plus a roach crawling on your face is an instant mood killer.

JD doesn’t like roaches or booming voices in the dark distance
Jean DeGrate has spoken