Friday, April 26, 2013

The Top 5 Reasons Why I Friend Zone Women

It's a 100 dope reason to stick a chick in the friend beside the oh so obvious reason being that she is ugly as sin. Here's my other top 5 reasons why I put these bitches in the friend zone (and I mean bitches in the nicest possible way).

She has ugly kid(s)
Now that I am out of the baby making game this isn't as big as deal breaker as it once was because I surely won't be mixing my DNA with anybody. Nevertheless, as soon as I see those sea monkey looking fuck trophies posted all over her FaceBook account I know we will never have a future. You ever dated a bitch with ugly kids? She'll speak of these children like they are really going to have good looking people woes. "I know I only got a couple years before little boys start calling the house looking for Janae."  But in all reality unless Janae is on her way to being a first class whore that home phone will remain clear of young gentlemen suitors. I don't have time to keep hearing about no ugly ass kids and nodding my head like any of this shit will come in to existence. Friend zone, but no kid talks ever.

She is an extra value meal away from being obese
I unfuck women all the time, but its all types of stipulations with it and none more important than the 2 year zero sex rule. If I fuck a girl now that's on the very brink of falling off I have to walk around with her name on my penis resumé for the next 730 days. I refuse to let our thing elevate any further when I know I will be forced to have her existence expunged later on. Friend zone, but I will give her countless free fitness tips and even workout with her a time or two.

I met her when I was drunk
When I'm drunk I get r... let's just say I have less than gentleman like behavior when I've consume one too many alcoholic beverages. It's still amazing to me how I've managed not to get smacked in the club, but that's neither here nor there. The way I carry on in the club is totally unacceptable (not that I plan on changing) and any woman accepting of that conduct is either crazy or a hoe or a crazy ass hoe. She might not be any of things but I'm comfortable stereotyping her. Friend zone, but I still might smash and slang that BFF title at her. I'm not above it.

She consistently compliments herself
She thinks she's cute; hey what a coincidence I think that too (or at the very least she has a body that just won't quit). What I don't need is for her to constantly remind of her beauty. That shit is annoying. I get enough of women boosting themselves up and patting themselves on their back on social media. The last thing I need is fully dressed pictures coming to my phone showing me all the "likes" she got on IG as a attempt to remind how lucky I am to be dating her. Friend zone; save that shit for a dude who has never dated a chick worth being seen with.

She's poor
I'm not rich by any stretch of the imagination but poor women are depressing. I once attempted to date one that considered TGI Friday's as fancy dinning; needless to say the date never came to be. Their lives are filled with so much struggle and it's in their everyday conversation. She treated herself to Subway for 2 days this week so it's PB&J for the rest of the week, only paying bills that come in brightly colored envelopes and a large assortment of other financial woes. Friend zone, but I have some dope penny stock to tell you about that might pay out in the long run.

Because I friend zone women everyday B
Jean DeGrate has spoke

PS No New Friends coming next week with helpful tips on how to stay out of the friend zone

PSS follow me on Twitter @ JeanDeGrate

Friday, April 19, 2013

The Top 5 (well 6 Reasons) Why it's Better to be a Woman

...than it is to be a man of course

(And if you couldn't tell I still don't have shit of merit to speak on this week)

Minus single motherhood women stay winning in some capacity; shit even hoes stay with a win or several. It's a lot perks to being a woman even if you aren't the most Halle Berryish of women (or whatever the new standard of attractiveness is that women are being held up to these days).

1. Make-up
Make-up is a fucking game changer it's like a real life cheat code (up down left right A B but on her face). The make-up artists these days would have been coming for Leonardo da Vinci's head during the Italian Renaissance, but instead of paint they use MAC products to make women seem 5 times better than they are. Sit down in the chair as a 5 and stand up 30 minutes later as an 8. All those blemishes are well hidden until her face finds water again.

2. Free shit
Free meals, free drinks, even free vacations if she's fine enough and a large assortment of other random yet dope shit. Everybody loves free stuff but you know who gets a plethora of free shit? Owners of vaginas and I really do mean free no strings attached shit. Yeah the person donating all this shit 99.9% of time has an ulterior motive but that's all on the female to feed into it or not.

3. Getting away with murder 90% of the time
Remember last year when that bus driver in Ohio uppercutted the shit out of that unruly young lady on the bus? Of course you do, I giggled just typing it. She had to push all types of boundaries to get that man to act that way. I know grown men that watch the video and said they would have taken the Jesus route and turned the other cheek. See unless a woman is unlucky enough to come across some Ike Turner type of guy she can get away with all types of bullshit and leave the situation without getting a spark beat out of her ass. I've seen women do and say disrespectful things that would have gotten a man in the same instance beaten to death.

4. Single mother sympathy
I don't know how this came to be but being a mother is considered one of the world's hardest job. I'm not sure how being a mom is harder than let's say; being a circus acrobat, prize fighter, judge or the guy that pulls the switch for the electric chair. Those all seem like pretty fucking challenging jobs but somehow taking care of the kids you made trumps all that (and this is coming from a dad). If you're a mom doing it on your own somehow the difficulty increases 10 fold and the world is there to give you a pat on the back then tell you how strong you are. You go girl.

5. More dating options
No matter how unattractive or how undesirable a female may seem some guys (yes plural) are checking for her. Those guys might not want to scoop her up and run off to alter with her but they would at the very least want to take her out for a date or two and try to get her into bed. Now for a man on the other end of the spectrum living that less than desirable life needs a boat load of money to circumvent it.

6. You can go gay and come back with no repercussions
Women go dyke every day. I know way more girls that have kissed a girl than I know girls who haven't and out of those girls that have kissed. I want to say at least half of them that have kissed a girl eventually made it to a full on box chopper a time or 2 or 10. The penalty of going dyke is nonexistent but instead it's a perk. Guys like bi girls. I don't even have the slightest inkling of interest in have a ménage but I'm intrigued by bi-sexual women. Bi bitches are winning.

Oh yeah and hoes still be winning so I guess that's 7
Jean DeGrate has spoken

PS find me on Twitter @ JeanDeGrate

Thursday, April 18, 2013

The Top 5 Reasons Why It's Better to be a Man

...than it is to be a woman of course

It is a 1000 and 1 perks to being a woman but about 994 are immediately negated if you're an ugly bitch. Husky ugly bitches live lives harder than the character Oprah played in "The Color Purple" (Sophia). If this blog was named "Why it's better to be a man than it is to be a pretty woman" I couldn't get pass the title I'm sure of it. Good thing though most of these woman are only pretty in their minds, via Instagram filters, certain strategic camera angles under proper lighting and heavy makeup application. Thank you blog Gods because I extra don't have shit of merit to speak on this week.

1. We don't get periods
If you told me once a month blood would stream from my dick, I would experience moderate to intense abdominal cramping and mood swings I'd fucking flip out. Imagine ruining sheets, expensive chinos and jeans because you got caught slipping and your penis started leaking blood. Nightmare.

2. Only women can be hoes.
.Sluts, skeezers, rollers or whatever other delightful euphemisms folks have come up for describing loose women. I've tried and I've tried some more but I can't logically get around this double standard. Sorry ladies. I'm a hoe because I have slept with a lot of women but in all actuality I'm a stud. You know a guy that gets girls to have sex with him effortlessly, but as easy as I get women to get naked and fall on my penis if I was chick I'd get men a 100 times easier (even I were an ugly woman because niggas are going fuck regardless). Where I have to be some mixture of good looking, charming, well dressed and interesting to a chick fall all over me; a woman only has to noticeably be a woman and receive the same effect from the opposite sex.

3. Being in shape doesn't guarantee attractiveness
Unlike us men folk a woman's level of fitness doesn't necessarily assure that she'll be anymore desirable once her goals are met. She can get as tone as she likes but if her genetics are fucked it will all be for not. Ass like a pancake? No amount of squats can fix that. Body without curves? If she got a body like a box it's going to be boxy at any size 2 or 20; well I guess at size 2 she'd be more of a rectangle.

4. Child birth may very well ruin you
Child birthing often wreaks irreparable damage to the female body. The gym won't un-sag those titties nor relive that nasty case of raisin belly. I've witness some women with crazy bodies drop that first child and go from a strong 9 to a shaky 5 in 9 month's time; they almost never recover either. I got 5 year old and my 6 pack is still intact. Yeah me.

5. Dating someone bi-sexual is detrimental
If a guy ends up dating a bi-sexual female instantly the option for a ménage is on the table. He won or at least is on the outskirts of a potential win. A girl on the other hand ends up dating a bi dude it will end in tears. The door definitely doesn't swing as liberally in that scenario.

*Insert clever closing remark here*
Jean DeGrate has spoken

PS the female version will drop Friday or Tuesday yeah let's just say Tuesday
PSS find me on Twitter @ JeanDeGrate

Monday, April 8, 2013

Just Random Volume: That pop culture shit

Because I have random shit to say that doesn't quite meet up to length of a blog by my standards...

Ray J vs. Kanye
Even though Kanye is wildly more successful than Ray J will ever be; he's a relationship loser. His last chick is with Wiz and he dropped numerous diss tracks following the break up while she went on to live her life. She won. In this instance he's having a baby by a chick that sucked Ray J's dick on camera and the world has seen it. You can never live that down. NEVER. There is no comeback diss from "Your baby mother sucked this dick on film". Saying you fucked Brandy is an accomplishment to nobody including regular niggas such as myself. If I told the homies I fucked Brandy they wouldn't even question the validity of my statement they would just reply "so what nigga". In the hierarchy of R&B singers to smash Brandy is right above Angie Stone and Ledsi (and nobody is checking for them either). I'm still mad at Jason Pitt's character on the Game for dating her. Brandy = Nobody's dream girl.

Enough with the Rick Ross rape lyric
Look here with all the down right heinous shit that is rapped about on a regular basis I'm super sure Rick Ross date raping bitches can't be the straw that broke the camels back. Half of mainstream rap is murders, drug selling and drug usage, but this is what got you silly motherfucker in an uproar. Man shut that shit up. Most of ya'll ain't even buying music no way so it's not going to effect his bottom line if you're fucking with Ross or not. It was funny when he apologized to Reebok though.

Congress is investigating Jay-Z and Beyonce's vacation First and foremost... WOW. Like really wow. Besides the fact that I'm tired of hearing about ever fucking move Hov and Beyonce make in their personal life on social media it's saddens me to a whole new level when I fire up my Washington Post app and Congress is checking for them. They are furloughing people but got cash to blow on vacation investigations. What the fuck man? It's a rapper and a singer on vacation why do you care elected officials? Don't spend my tax dollars on this. I don't think anything celebrity related upset me this much since ya'll coons was screaming how Beyonce was faking her pregnancy.

I'm done with the Huffington Post
I was once in love Huff Po they used to drop edgy yet professionally put together journalism (kind of like what Complex online is now doing but way better) along with real news. Now they will let anything (and I do mean anything) make it off the editor's desk and on to my computer screen. Today's headline (and I bullshit you not) read "ASAP Rocky's Misguided Beauty Advice, Rapper Says Dark Skin Girls Shouldn't Wear Red Lipstick". It troubles me that a rapper would actually make his opinion publicly know on women's makeup practices but even more troubling is the fact that Huff Po thought it was even noteworthy enough to publish his quote from an interview done by another publication. Who the fuck cares? He's a NY rapper that dress like a woman and raps like he's from south of the Mason-Dixon Line. I expect this type of foolishness from MTO.

Kim K did turn that blow job into an empire though... shorty stay winning Jean DeGrate hasn't really said shit in this blog