From 5:22am to about 6:05am this morning I spent sitting on the floor in my bedroom digging out shoe boxes looking for a pair of shoes that I donated to charity 3 years ago. Welp. During this fruitless search I discovered the book “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” snuggled between 2 pairs of shoes I forgot existed covered in a lifetime’s worth of dust. I don’t read Harry Potter nor do I know anybody that publicly admits to reading Harry Potter that has been through puberty in the last decade. “Oh yeah a woman must have left it here” and in the trash it went and this brings me to my first point…
Take EVERYTHING with you when you leave
In my dream bachelor pad before entering the main living quarters you have to go through a security check point where females will be ask to disrobe by TSA agents and all their clothing and personal belongs will be put into a storage locker. Afterwards they will be handed one of those “Orange is the New Black” jumpsuits and their cell phone then be allowed entry. We can dream, can’t we? Because nothing like that will ever remotely fly. I don’t know if it is intentionally, unintentionally or subconsciously, but women always leave something. You know you walked in here with 2 earrings on and this $3 bottle of Moscato; please take that shit with you.
We Want to Break Up
Excluding the big end all be all argument that will have you sitting Indian style on the living room floor divvying up DVDs while trying to figure out who really has the right to take “The Five Heartbeats” on Blu-ray when they leave; every man I know wanted to break up with his girl way before he actually did it (or forced her to do it for him). We men are cowards in the break up department. You want to know why men don’t like settling down. One of the main factors is because we dread breaking up. Getting to all the reasons why is an entirely different blog in itself just know he’s been laying beside you for 70 straight mornings thinking “How the fuck can I get out of this smoothly”.
Shut Up
Time and time again I’ve found myself on the receiving end of some pointless gossip story about people I’m only familiar with via other pointless gossip stories. I think it’s part of the sex contract that you have to listen to these stories if you’ve seen her naked more than 4 times. “Remember when I told you about Kesha that got pregnant by her cousin’s baby father but she ain’t know it was her cousin’s baby father because they never met so when she found out she had an abortion?” (Side note – Are they still making new Keshas? I haven’t come across a Kesha born after 89 like ever in life. I think they discontinued that name.) “Well now she’s full on dating the cousin’s baby father. They are on Instagram posting selfies together. Look at this picture. She had the audacity to caption it “the heart wants what the heart wants”. These hoes ain’t loyal.” In reply we say “Oh my god, that’s crazy.” But our souls are screaming “Shut up don’t nobody care about that shit.”
This ain’t going to work
We as in men often come across women we’ve loved to see naked but know that we can’t actually turn that relationship into anything significant. Everything about them goes against the grain of everything that makes us, us. She’s a vegan, gym rat, tree hugger, that drives a Prius and does volunteer work on the weekends and you on the other hand drive a 92 Bronco that gets 4 miles to the gallon highway and your dream weekend includes binge watching Netflix in your underwear. Instead of shutting it down right then and there we drag it out hurt some feelings while we attempt to play in a lane that is clearly not our own.
Welp
Jean DeGrate has spoken
