Monday, January 28, 2013

Why Black Girls DON'T Rock...

...with each other that is

"I don't really fuck with females like that" - Every 3rd black woman born after the civil rights movement

Just the other day I was thinking about the camaraderie amongst men; it's a beautiful thing. You women know no such joy.

I've seen every episode of Sexy in the City (don't judge me). Who knew in years to come the concept of the show converting over to real live black woman wouldn't be fathomable? No not the part about an undercover hoe and an out in the open hoe being part of the same click. That shit happens all the time, but the fact that 4 women with different goals at different places in life could really be the best of friends and not be on some catty bullshit. It's crazy, but its several dividing factors that keep black women from achieving that seemingly easily obtained male bonding. Today I'm just going to speak on 3.

You hate each other for no reason
Black women sure do love to hate other black women. The whole reason behind the success of black reality is giving black women more women to hate. Check into any social site during any black casted reality program and the slander will be plentiful. You'd almost think these women were equals with the wealthy women they see on TV. None of that matters because they hate on site. A deep seeded hatred will grow from statements as simple as "she think she cute" or "she funny acting".

You aren't loyal to each other
Black women are loyal to their men and their children. So all those bitches that came to her baby shower, held her hair while she threw up in the club and watched her kids while she went out with her new "him" are all dismissible at the drop of a hat. You have a 1000 besties or whatever the fuck you are referring to each other as and they are all interchangeable and extremely replaceable. Your bonds are only as strong as your living situation. The bitches you used to flip burgers with in 2004 you had to get brand new on because you got a real job with benefits. We not going to say you better than those bitches but they always broke and you don't have time for any always broke bitches. The chicks that used to kick it with when you didn't have man are on the back burner because you all in love and shit and those single bitches be hating. Then you have the gossip. Black women love to share all the deepest darkest secrets of their homies with other random people. I've been privy to the pussy mileage and debauchery of women I've never met nor seen all because their homie was on the phone with me and I was down to listen. Real friends don't carry on like that.

You don't keep it real with each other
You ever see a group of girls in a club picture and one of them looks like they got dressed in locker room of a clown college in the dark? Of course you have its 100 of them going up on Instagram every 15 minutes. Nobody is leaning over to that misguide bitch and saying "What the fuck are you wearing?" instead when she shows up looking like shit you'll say something more along the lines of "Girl, that's so cute, bitch you did that". You give each other advice you wouldn't take yourself and chances are if you're listening to the woes of one of your friends it will only end up as hot gossip in another conversation later on. Then again women don't really trust each other in the first place so I guess keeping real would kind of fall on deaf ears. It's always hard for a woman to believe that a man she's known for like 6 months has tried to put the moves on one her close girlfriends that's she known for years. Right? You're is a hating liar and this new nigga might be the one?

Yeah it's not all of you but it's sure as shit enough of you to make this blog valid
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, January 18, 2013

Hey Girl, Where You Getting All This Confidence From?

I remember when I was in high school, things were so much simpler then, the fine girls had fine girl attitudes, the average girls had average girl attitudes and the ugly bitches... well I don't know what the ugly bitches had because they didn't speak and/or get spoken to. Yes it was so simple then, I really miss those days. Welp.

Now I'm grown and every chick is a fucking star. Finding a genuine humble woman, no matter what her physical assets amount to, is damn near impossible. You'd think it was a self-esteem store slanging unfounded confidence to you misguided bitches (and I mean that in the nicest way possible). It's not that though. I've got it down to a science so let me break into my theory on female unfounded hubris.

Social Media
Somehow the thoughts and the approval (likes and retweets) of strangers sent via smart phones became validation in the real world. If she got 1000 plus followers on Instagram or Twitter you can't tell this bitch shit. One hundred plus likes on a photo? Beyonce better watch out because these chicks are nipping at her heels. Her DM's stay jumping and "Hey Boo" can always be seen in her mentions; that can only mean she's a dime right? It doesn't even matter that she can walk into a crowded room and go completely unnoticed; she is the shit in cyberspace and therefore the shit in real life.

Women complimenting women
"If you wouldn't fuck the person giving you the compliment it doesn't count." -Jean DeGrate from 2 blogs ago. If one of my male homies told me I was cute or handsome or some other fuck boy shit I would have to end the friendship on the fucking spot. That would make me very uncomfortable. Matter of fact compliments to my physical attributes from women I wouldn't choose over, let's say a bottle of lotion make me uneasy.  Her "Damn you sexy" Me "Nah, the light is hitting me at a funny angle". With women it's the complete and utter opposite; every kind word from a female homie goes to the compliment grand tally and furthers the inflation of the female ego.

Convenient amnesia
The worst thing God bestowed upon women was the ability to forget almost every non-catastrophic negative moment in their life. That time she gave 2 dudes head in the same day? That was kind of slutty wasn't it? Let's delete that from the memory bank. Nobody asked her to prom, but it is remembered as her just deciding not to go. Every dude that's hit her with the swerve, curb and carry never happened. Getting fucked and forgotten on the same night; never happened. When guys in the club go thru her to get at her friends; never happened. Getting placed in the friend zone; never happened it was the other way around.

The combination of these entities is making all of you stars. I guess this new faux confidence goes hand in hand with the adoration of people you not know and/or aren't fucking. Half of these bitches are rape-proof and don't even know it. If you run into a criminal in a dark alley way he only wants your purse and no parts of that pussy. I can't wait until your 5 body types catch up with your 10 egos.

Is this why we have so many "Urban Models" now?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

@JeanDeGrate on Twitter

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Long Game: The 35 Day Rule

Here's how dating typically goes...

Boy sees girl and decides he wouldn't mine putting his penis in said girl. (Yes that's how is goes every time. This is not debatable men approach women because they want to fuck them.) Boy approaches girl and begins a conversation in hopes of exchanging contact info. Girl likes boy's appearance and the things he has to say then decides to give him her phone number. Boy and girl begin to text and talk then set up a date. Boy picks up girl takes her out, feeds her and entertains her. Boy returns girl to her home and is given a church hug for his troubles and sent about his way. Boy and girl text and talk some more then set up another date. Boy picks up girl takes her out, feeds her and entertains her.
Boy returns girl to her home and is given a peck on the lips for his trouble and sent about his way. Girl decides to place boy into the friend zone without his knowledge. Boy and girl text and talk some more then set up another date.
Boy picks up girl takes her out, feeds her and entertains her. Boy returns girl to her home and is given a church hug for his troubles and sent about his way. Boy is puzzled on the drive home. Boy knows he's been curved but doesn't exactly understand how or why. Boy is down a $300 to $500 with nothing to show for it besides a partial nude picture and a new FaceBook friend. Boy can't be upset this is how the game goes and all of this transpired in the span for 15 to 21 days. This is the gamble of short game.

In a woman's mind it's a man's job to feed and entertain her during the "get to know you" stage of a relationship and the man's reward for all his efforts is being blessed enough to be in her company while he spends hundreds of dollars. It's perfectly ok for a guy to spend his hard earned money but its taboo for him to try his hand to get some pussy. I mean after all she don't know him that well to have sex. For the record men can spend money on a stranger but women can't have sex with a stranger.

About 3 years ago I accidently created long game due to the long hours I was putting in at the office. I wasn't in a position to get up with a female within the same week that I met her. I'd shoot her a text here and there, talk to her on the phone until I got some free time to waste on her or our interest in each other waned. Half of the chicks wouldn't last 3 weeks. They wanted to be wined and dined but I'll be damn if I'd spend a free evening with one of them before I got up with some for sure pussy. Nah. If they wanted to get to know me they'd get to know me via phone. When worked calmed down I literally had about a dozen women I've only seen once in "Catfish" like love with me. Only difference was they knew exactly who I was with no surprises. Those first dates were epic full with chemistry; no awkward silences and church hug free. Oh yeah there was sex too.

Then I met a new chick on a Sunday met up with her for happy hour on the following Wednesday. Man I couldn't stand this bitch; I had a horrible time. I was halfway home and 100% sober before I realized how I fucked up the formula after coming off an extraordinary string of first dates. It cost me $60 and a shot of for sure pussy to realize my error. I didn't need to be face to face with a chick to get to know her. I didn't need to open my wallet to get close to woman either. I'm clearly in no rush to waste my time and money anything less than 35 days we won't be getting up.

The 35 day rule is a win win ladies you get to know a guy while keeping the pussy in a chokehold and fellas get to hold to their cash a little longer because you should have unlimited text and free nights and weekends by now on your phone. If you can't make it 5 weeks over the phone you're not going to make it in real life anyway.

"Hey boo let's set a date 5 weeks from now"
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Follow me on Twitter @JeanDeGrate

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Five Helpful Reminders for the Ladies

There are a lot of misconceptions floating around in the minds of some you women. I would attempt to clear them all up but, in the words of Sweet Brown, ain't nobody got time for that. I'm just going to tackle the issues I see as the most concerning. Maybe I'll drop a part 2 somewhere down the line but for now here we go...

1. Stop calling yourself a MILF
If your age plus the age of your child does equal up to at least 45 you're just a chick with a kid. The idea of being a MILF has the whole cougar effect behind it being that your kids' peers would be the ones wanting to fuck you. If you're 27 and your son is 4 those little boys ain't checking for your ass. Shut that shit up.

2. Give those single mom marriage dreams a rest
72% of all black mothers are unwed. One more time from the top; got room with a 100 black moms, you can bet that 72 of them are single. That means most of you will only ever be a baby's mama. The dude or dudes that you let hit raw didn't make the trip to Kay Jewelers to buy a ring what makes you think the dude that met you post fuck trophies is going to give you one and move you to the 28%. The odds are against you stop thinking you're the exception to the rule. Set more realistic goals like finishing nail school or paying off that 96 Accord.

3. All those compliments don't really count
I know most women get fawned, drooled and ogled over everyday so it maybe a tad bit difficult to not take every nice word flung in their direction as the gospel. Here's a way to keep your ego in check and reality in perspective... If you wouldn't fuck the person giving you the compliment it doesn't count. Your girlfriend liked your picture on Instagram and left the comment "werk" that shit doesn't mean anything. Your son told you that you're the most beautiful girl in the world, aww he's so sweet, but that shit is void he's grown accustom to your looks even if you were a burn victim he'd still call you pretty. All the creepy old men and dudes that you won't give the time of day on your worst day, all fall under the non-valid compliment category.

4. Men lie to be nice
Your pussy isn't the bomb. You vagina could be as wide and the Grand Canyon and as dry as sandpaper but the dude your currently bedding is going to tell you your sex is great. Your head isn't the best he ever had. Unless you use teeth your head will always be mind altering. Your vagina doesn't have any special favor it, tastes just like vagina. Unless a dude tells you your pussy taste like Spaghetti O's or something not so flattering he's lying. Top Ramen Shrimp flavor pussy anyone?

5. Non-nude picture text messages
When that MMS alert goes off accompanied by a female's name it just warms a guys heart because we're expecting nude or semi-nude pictures. The only guy in your life that is cool (not interested, but he's just accepting it because he's fucking you) with getting those stupid ass pictures of your outfits, your dog or how you changed around your room is your boyfriend. The other guys are adding you to the blacklist app or they are trapped in the friend zone trying to find their way out.

You're welcome
Jean DeGrate has spoken