Thursday, August 4, 2011

Paid for Pussy is Always Cheaper

Although I don’t personally pay for sex, I’m damn sure not against the next man paying for a shot of ass (straight out that is). I barely have to call a bitch to get the cheeks, but that’s another blog altogether. If you’re one of those niggas that might “buy” pussy, buying it straight out is a sound investment if that’s all you’re really interested in. I don’t even know why prostitution is illegal. Like really… why is it illegal to sell something that is perfectly legal to give away?

It’s so easy to get free pussy… why would anyone pay for it

Unfortunately, women don’t walk around with signs on their backs stating, “Down to fuck.” It just doesn’t happen that way. She might be extra flirtatious, dressed as a slut, already have 3 kids and 3 baby daddies, and still won’t come off them cheeks. There’re no guarantees with these slutty women; she might have been down to suck and fuck the whole crew yesterday, but today she isn’t feeling as slutty.

Most women are selling pussy on the sly anyway

Every time you hear a woman say she wants a man to provide for her; she’s selling that pussy on the sly. Every time a dude takes a chick out of town in order to get those cheeks; she’s selling that pussy on the sly. She got a dude paying for her cable, cell phone, and car note knowing damn well if that nigga stops, they are done; she’s selling that pussy on the sly. If she goes to a dude for money to get her hair done and nails done; she’s selling that pussy on the sly. If a nigga only gets those cheeks after taking her shopping; she’s selling that pussy on the sly. Do you know how much money you would save if you just paid for it straight out instead of letting these chicks fool themselves into believing they ain’t hoes?

Dating is shaky

How many times have you had a first date that didn’t lead to anything? No goodnight kiss. No phone calls the day after. You can pretend like you took her to Red Lobster (cause bitches love chedder biscuits) to get to know her, but really you know you wanted those cheeks at the end of the night. You’re just 75 bucks plus poorer, and now you have a number to delete from your cell phone. How many times have you had two or three dates with a chick that went the same way? Now let’s go smaller. How many times have you bought a chick a drink in the club not even to get a phone number exchange or a dance? Do you know what you could have done with all that money? You could have bought some pussy.

It’s a sure thing

When dealing with a hoe, a streetwalker, an escort, or a loose bitch better known as a “prostitute”, you can guarantee some fucking is going down. You won’t have to get her in the mood because her pussy gets wet the moment you hand her that cash. You don’t have to hint toward her giving you head; she’s down for the blow, but please note that it might cost you extra. And, best of all, when the deed is done, there is no awkward moment. You just get up and roll out. No cuddling, no feeding, no cover sharing, no dates, no long pauses in conversation, and no arguments. It’s just sex, and if that’s all you’re looking for then you’re definitely going to get just that.

The hard math

Women cost money. There’s no way around spending it. If you got some cash, they definitely want you to spend some. So if you’re only after sex why buy into all the other dumb shit? Unless, of course, you’re in public office or considering running for one, then you might want to continue to fake these relationships, and foot the bill that comes with it. Add together dates, the dumb shit she’ll eventually ask for, switching to an unlimited text plan so you can send her “good morning” texts and random smiley faces, food, and transportation… then substract from that the cost of just buying pussy straight out. Not to mention all the money you spent on clothes for the club/bar to meet bitches. You’ll realize you couldn’t have saved more money even if you switched to Geico.

I’m not saying paid for pussy is better, wetter, or tighter… I’m just saying, it’s definitely more cost effective.

Jean DeGrate won’t be judging you

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Top Ten Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Date Me

I’m a great guy… Well, I have my moments… Ok ok; my mother thinks I’m a great guy. Thanks ma. I’m a realist; so I’m well aware of my flaws or at least whatever members of the opposite sex may consider flaws. So here it is ladies: The Top 10 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Date Me. Yes, I’ve specifically termed this list “Top” 10 because I know there are far more reasons, but we’ll save reasons 11-100 for future blogs.

1. I don’t trust anybody

Let me take that back; I trust people to do things that will best suit them. Meaning if my happiness or wellbeing is standing in the way of something you want, I fully expect you to fuck me over. I’m not blatantly saying you’ll cheat nor am I say you won’t, but you’ll probably tell a lie or two here or there. Let’s be honest; even the most standup chicks have a slight bit of bullshit with them. That bullshit is exactly why it will take quite some time for me to actually view you differently than any other aint-shit-bitch… if ever.

2. I don’t trick

If you’re looking for the guy that’s paying for hair do’s, manicures, pedicures, cable bills, and shopping sprees, keep on looking; I’m not that guy. You want to go out to eat. I got that. You want to go to the movies. I got that too. I might buy you a random on-clearance shirt as we walk through the mall (well most likely not it still sound good though), but that’s about as far as tricking goes for me. You want to go island hoping in the tropics. I won’t be a part of that, but be sure to tag me in the photos on FaceBook. I’d love to see the Simp financing that excursion.

3. I’m an asshole and proud of it

Look here: I blogged this topic weeks ago so I won’t even get into details here. Unless this is your first time reading, “Jean DeGrate has spoken”, you already know… I’m a prick, and I’m proud of that shit.

4. I’m fucking conceded

True story: a semi-attractive woman (semi-attractive = fuckable) once walked up on me while I was standing in front of the club and said, “You’re kinda lovely.” I replied, “It’s the light.” Why? You may ask. I already know I’m fine, not because my mother kept telling me I was handsome as a kid, but because as a teenager my mother’s co-workers used to try to slide me the pussy. For that reason and several more similar to it, I don’t take compliments well. So in the morning when you roll over and say, “Damn baby, you’re fine” trying to be sweet, you won’t catch me blushing. I’m just that fucking conceded.

5. I used to be hoe

There’s still a tiny bit of hoe in me, but not as much as it used to be. I still have hoe flare ups, but I’m taking medication for that. Unfortunately though, there is no cure. This leads me into number 6…

6. If you’re from the DC area, you probably know somebody I’ve fucked

… and by “know somebody” I mean “are friends with.” Thanks to FaceBook, folks that would normally be strangers are now best friends and shit. I’ve seen 2 and 3 chicks, I’ve had my penis in at one time or another all tagged in the same pictures, smiling and shit. Not to mention, the chances of us being out on the town and running into a chick that I’ve seen naked are great. Shit, during any given week, I’m bound to run into a couple of my old jump offs on the train, liquor store, the mall or just loafing around U Street. Just note that you will have to get used to, “Oh my god; Hey Jean,” being screamed across the movie theatre… and then that same chick texting me, “What are you doing when you leave here?” minutes later.

7. I wear a wedding band all the time

Funny thing about it is I’m not married nor have I even been close to being married. Shit, I don’t even see Mrs. JD in the near future. Regardless of how close we are, you can be Miss New Pussy or my girl, when we’re out on the town, prying eyes will assume you’re a home wrecker.

8. I’ll keep fucking you long after I realize we have no future

I still give the daddy stroke to girls I booked in 98. If you ask me, “What are we doing here?” I’ll probably respond, “We ain’t going steady. We’re just cooling.” I’m a huge fan of boomerang pussy… fuck em a few times… let em get back to the world… and let them come back to get fucked again.

9. I’m kind of boring

Yes, I’m an excellent conversationalist, if I shall say so myself, but that’s about where the buck stops. I will dinner and movie your ass to death. I may even toss in a game of pool at the strip club here and there, but other than that, I’m really anti-everything. Trying to get me to do new shit is like pulling teeth out of a tiger’s mouth with a wire hanger. I’ve never done that personally, but it sounds difficult as fuck.

10. I don’t give head

I actually wrote a blog about my non-willingness to put vagina in my mouth. I even gave me top 5 reasons… look it up. For those who already read it here’s my 6th reason… I have high blood pressure. I can’t gamble with the sodium. Word on the street says pussy is mad salty son.

Thanks to this blog I’ve probably cut my new pussy chances in half
Jean DeGrate ain’t shit