Friday, May 25, 2012

Cheating: Only One Person is Wrong  

I’ve hit a few married women. Hey ladies. I’ve hit a few girlfriends. Hey girls. Does that make me a bad guy for knowingly having sex with women in committed relationships? Fuck no I ain’t cheat on nobody so I can’t be held at fault. Shit they was going to go somewhere for that outside dick I'm glad they stopped here.
People love to throw that home wrecker beef on a woman for fucking a man that doesn’t “belong” to her. How she wreck something that was already broke? If dude was really about you he wouldn’t have fucked her so that’s not her beef to carry. You can’t go throughout life blaming other folks for your man’s (or woman’s) infidelity. Don’t spray paint any crazy shit on her car or show up to her job trying to beat her ass. That woman ain’t do any wrong to you; she just fucked a man that was down to fuck. If he rolling let him roll… I guess.
Why you mad at her/him?
Remember that scene from “Brown Sugar” when Taye Diggs and Sanaa Lathan rolled up on Nicole Ari Parker cheating? That man handled that situation with class he didn’t try to jump across the dinner table to beat that man ass or start cursing and carrying on like he lost his mind. He came to the table and ordered a bottle of champagne to toast to his divorce. I remain a Taye Diggs fan to this day just because of that scene. I almost hope I get cheated on so I can do some smooth shit like that. Most folks don’t have that much tact though. Flying off the handle with a person that may or may not have known you existed before you went all Hulk smash on them doesn’t change shit. Your anger is so misdirected and you know who is at fault so act accordingly.
You should really thank them
Whenever I hit a girl that’s part of a relationship I always hope that dude finds out especially if she has been telling me all positive things about him. I’ve hit chicks that had dudes at home watching her kids. I’ve hit chicks that drove their man’s car to my house and ask me to parallel park it for them. I’ve hit chicks that sat on my couch and argued with their man about not trusting them while I unhooked their bras. I always feel bad for those guys. I hope he finds out that pussy has been tampered with. I hope he sees the condom wrapper in her purse. I just hope he stops saving this hoe. If the situation was reversed I would thank the guy that showed me my girl wasn’t shit. I would follow that guy on Twitter and make him my friend on FaceBook.
Place that blame correctly and let them other folks live
Jean DeGrate has spoken

And Yes Your Past Does Take Away From You as a Person

Today I read quote on Twitter that just made me die laughing. It took me about 15 minutes to get myself back together after reading it. It read “My past didn't lessen my value, remove my virtue, or snatch my crown” by Camile King. I don’t know anything about Ms King’s demons lurking in her past or the accomplishments she went on to achieve after conquering said demons. I could always Google her but fuck that shit; I’m not really that interested.
Nobody’s perfect
We all have our past demons that we had to put behind us. Hey, I might have sold your mother crack and I really hope she got her life together but at that time in my life I need Jordan’s and Iceburg sweaters. Pass judgment accordingly. So I understand how some people want to reach back in time and erase some of the not so admirable moments of their life. Life doesn’t work that way.
Erasing your fuck ups
You can’t undo shit that was done. If I could I would unfuck a boat load of women that I hit over the years I don’t want these hoes on my sexually résumé but all I can do is ignore their existence and pretend I didn’t see them naked. You can’t unsuck that nigga that turned out to be engaged and played you for a fool. You can’t wish that shoplifting charge off your record when you tried to smooth at the MAC counter in Macy’s. You can’t unbuy that house that you really couldn’t afford now you credit is all fucked up and had you buying a cars from Eastern Motors. Your past will following your around for the rest of your life no matter how much right you do after the fact. Dr King died 44 years and headed up the civil rights movement, and you still catch people speaking about the bitches he was hitting behind Coretta’s back. If Dr King can’t get away from his missteps what makes you the exception to the rule?
What about your accomplishments?
Most of the folks that I know made it thru undergrad high drunk and slutting. Their eyes were bloodshot red from smoking, drinking and carrying on all night during those English Composition 101 classes. I’m sure some of them would like to take some of that wear and tear of their liver and maybe some of those random one nightstands. But at the same time all that craziness was taking place they got their bachelors degree so the same person that was wilding out is the same person with a Morehouse class ring. Your life can’t be a highlight reel unless you lived it that way.
Your past makes you who you are
You can miss me with all that “I was young and dumb” shit or “experience is life’s best teacher” because normally when people say that shit it was a stupid, criminal or whorish move to start with. Now nobody is going to hold that fact that you ate chalk in kindergarten over your head we can let that rest, but in your adult life shit is way different. You wouldn’t buy a car without a Car Fax. You wouldn’t hire somebody without a background check. The things you used to do made you who you are now whether is was good or bad it’s all relevant. If you disagree let a former child molester watch your kids or let a former thief house sit for you. Tell me how it pans out.
You’re getting judged on your past because you can’t reference your future, but Imma let you cook tho
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Unfortunate Truths Part III  

Because when it rains it pours and I’m back to rain on your parade with more unfortunate truths
If you have more than 2 kids you’ll probably never get married
If you didn’t know already it’s a mean double standard when it comes to kids out here. A guy with kids is sooooooooooooo much better off than a chick with kids no matter what the living situation. A guy with kids that don’t live with him = weekend daddy. A woman with kids that don’t live with her = ain’t shit bitch. A guy with kids that live with him = greatest dad ever. A woman with kids that live with her = a chick with baggage or a chick that always needs a baby sitter to do anything. I’m a single dad with a play kitchen and Barbie’s in my living room I’m winning out here. When a man commits to a woman with kids he’s also committing to those kids and possibly a crazy baby daddy or two. When a woman commits to a man with kids especially since most single fathers are weekend daddies anyway it’s not half as big of hurdle. Plus women love good fathers and you’re never heard a man say I’m looking for a woman with a gang of kids outside of tax season.
You’ve fallen off and you probably won’t get back up
It’s May so that means it’s almost time for you folks to start making these Miami and other beach ware friendly locale trips. You’ve been in the gym and counting calories and guess what? You’re not even half as fine as you used to be. Chances are if you were once in shape it was because you were skinny and young not because you were on any kind of healthy living kick and you won’t be getting that old thing back. I don’t give a fuck if Billy Blanks, the P90X guy, and Richard Simmons pulled you into the gym everyday. You’re body is doomed because your bustedness (I may have just invented that word) and laziness will almost always over power your will power to do right; those cheat days add up kid.
If you upgraded somebody’s life that you’re no longer with they won
I always see these FB statuses and tweets about how they put somebody on or stepped their lifestyle up. If you broke up with them they still won. If they broke up with you they won with bonus points. If they got caught cheating on you not only did they win they did give an enough of a fuck to stay on the gravy train. Chances are they are leaving the relationship with the exposure, experiences and the shit you bought them and you just got heart break. They won.
Just more fucked up truths for your ass son
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, May 18, 2012

Parenting Kinda Sucks On the Low

Hello my name is Jean DeGrate and I’m dad. Yeah… me
Off top let me scratch most of those black parent woes from your mind. My child wasn’t an “Oops” baby (and if you and the person weren’t intentionally attempting to have a kid that baby is an Oops baby). I’ve never had to sacrifice anything more than a few hours of sleep and some vacation days for my child. I’ve never had to choose between Gucci shoes for myself or summer clothes for Madi. I’ve never found myself trying to scrape up some extra cash to provide her with Christmas. (Even though I fully plan on pretending like I went without food so she could get that Angry Birds app on her iPad.) I don’t have any baby momma drama and the courts aren’t garnishing my wages for child support. I take care of my kid and spend time with her all of my own doing; please hold your applause.
She’s a decent kid
She’s a pretty little girl (not just because she’s my kid) and she rarely embarrasses me in public. I’m totally not the parent that has to jack my kid up in the cereal aisle of Safeway because she’s been spiking cans of evaporated milk to the ground when I wasn’t looking. (That really happens I saw it just last week.) She has ten fingers and ten toes, can survive on hotdogs alone and only ends up on the red team at school like once a month. Nobody’s perfect.
She has everything
You know how people say they want to give their kids everything they never had? I’m not one of those parents. My daughter has everything I never had but that’s mainly for my own selfish reasons. The play kitchen sitting in my living room, the Wii, the PS3, the iPad, the stupid little toys she picks out on every Target trip, and all this other shit she has is exclusively to distract her from fucking with me. It’s that deep. I love her but she has no chill; none what so ever. She’s a spoiled brat as a by product of her having everything but those 20 to 30 minutes that go pass without her jumping on my stomach when I try to kick back after a long day of work is well worth it. I know parents that give their children cough syrup and shit when they aren’t sick just to put them to sleep and yeah, I judge but I still feel them. (Maybe they can’t afford iPads.)
She won’t stop calling my name
I factually hear her say daddy at least 30 times an hour. It doesn’t matter if I’m driving, cooking, shitting, showering or juggling hand grenades while disarming land mines my name will be called. Yesterday on the ride home from the Washington Monument she literally screamed daddy for like 4 straight minutes over the music to hand me a lollipop wrapper (I hear “daddy” so often I thought it was part of the beat). This is an everyday thing and I can’t even get mad. I just laugh because I remember my mother telling my brother and me she was going to change her name and not tell us what it was. I know exactly where she was coming from now.
Pretending to be amazed
Madi discovers 1 million new things a day and in the good parents by laws you must be amazed every single time. Just as astonished as she is you must be equally or even more flabbergasted. This is incredibly hard for the sarcastic douche bag in me to not say some shit slick. The setting sunlight makes her shadow long. AMAZING. The tricycle moves slower up hill. AMAZING. All bugs don’t go “crunch” when you step on them. Let me get a team of MIT graduate scientist to get to the bottom of this shit I mean AMAZING. I’m amazingly bored to death for real.
Parenting isn’t without its actually amazing moments and the milestones that make you proud, like tomorrow morning when I’m watching this dressed rehearsal for her ballet class recital. (Worry not; I won’t post 1000 pictures on FB and Twitter.) These highlights are just further apart than people make them appear to be. Welp, 4 years down and only until I die to go because you never stop being a parent.
I love my child but I understand why rich people get nannies and shit
Jean DeGrate is a parent

Let That Simp Spend His Money Girl

Simping – the act of saving hoes and exhibiting characteristics of extreme Thirst; catering to females in hopes of getting sex in return
Some of you pretty and or shapely women have a gift; the gift of attracting simps to do your bidding. They’ll offer you the world and some other dope shit (they probably won’t deliver on the world but it will be some dope shit to be had). Don’t treat it like a curse because you have men in pushing up on that you wouldn’t normally give the time of day; that’s just fiscally unsound.
First off it’s only a small percentage of guys that use simp tactics to lure women in because they are actually awkward when it comes to the opposite sex. All the other guys that are trying to put a down payment on the pussy are normally just douche bags. They either have a girl at home or they are straight up pricks with disposable income that prefer to let their money do the sweet talking and sometimes both (no matter how sweet they might actually seem). They should be exploited.
Its men out in the world willing to spend money, do favors and huge assortment of other silly shit just for the chance to get some pussy. I’m a firm believer that women should take advantage of that; you already take the free drinks in the club why not one step further and get a few free meals maybe a bag or two. Are you obligated to give them some pussy? Fuck no. Is it nice to lead somebody on that you have no interest in? Well that’s kind of a gray area, but I’ll allow it. Technically you’re not leading anybody on if you’re just hanging out with some guy that’s hoping to buy you out of your panties and allowing him to spend a little money and put forth a little effort. You’re not manipulating him if he’s trying to buy you.
Now it’s only two rules to this shit when it comes to stringing a simp along…
Rule #1 never ever ever ever come off the pussy – the moment the simp gets the cheeks he’s already won and the power is now his. If he sticks around is entirely up to him and he can always say no matter how much of a simp he may be he still fucked you. And if a simp buys his way into your panties that makes you a hoe. Don’t be a hoe.
Rule #2 don’t get accustom to that shit – the day will come when he realizes that all this tricking is getting him nowhere and he’ll disappear like a fart in the wind. You can’t be mad at that. You got to treat a simp like a summer job and know that shit will come to an end and sometimes very abruptly.
Now go out there and milk you a simp for all he’s worth
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Just Random 3 or 4…  

…I’m not really keeping track to be honest.

Sometimes I write down the random shit on my mind so here you go…

Nasty looking food on cooking shows
I watch cooking shows from time to time. Comcast gave me 300+ channels, like 6 of them are some sort of food networks. 95% of time when I'm watching these shows they’re whipping up something that just looks like it will taste horrid, like string bean and walnut lasagna (that shit really exist I’m not making this up). So I'll sit on my couch watching some no name chef tossing together some disgusting looking concoction then bite into this shit with a smile on his face. You're lying to your viewers’ homie you know you want to spit that shit out. It really pissing me off that these people never say “well that didn’t turn out as expected”.
People against gay marriage
It’s plenty of things I’m not comfortable with i.e. ugly people in convertible cars, fat women in shirts that allow their guts to been seen and men kissing other men. I feel some kind of way when I see any of that shit. Does that mean any of that should be illegal or even a political debate? I’m going with no. Gay marriage doesn’t corrupt the institution of marriage because the institution of marriage is only people the two people in the marriage and only they can corrupt it. Extending marriage to include same sex doesn’t really matter in the slightest.
RIP Donna Summers
I’m an asshole we all know this but fuck that ya’ll folks are jumping on dicks. Donna Summers ain’t had a viable hit since “Last Dance” (1978) and I know damn well you 80’s and early 90’s babies don’t know why Donna was so upset about somebody leaving that cake out in the rain. Stop it B.
The Jean DeGrate fair game rule
If you’ve cranked out a kid and or been engaged since I’ve last stuck my penis in you; you must relinquish all claim to the Jean DeGrate. You’re friends and attractive family member up to first cousins and aunts are all fair game. This is non-negotiable.
I’m beefing with Raven Simone
Raven you went from cute little kid on the Cosby show to a big bodied teenager on the Disney channel. When you were large and in-charge rocking that Queen Latifah Jr body type was the perfect time to come out of the closest. Why did you wait until you were all slim, trim and fuckable to decide to start dyking. That was just rude and I’m speaking for all of the straight men.
Yeah I’ve ran out of shit to say
Jean DeGrate is really mad at Raven Simone

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Please no more relationship advice

Thanks to the good people at FaceBook, Twitter and Instagram for giving every person with a smart phone and data plan a podium to spew their point of view all over the World Wide Web. Somehow every 3rd person that owns a vagina is some sort of relationship counselor. They should have never given you coons internet access (and right about now somebody is thinking “Hey JD, you’re the pot calling the kettle black” but give me a chance to elaborate). Now I see the women I’d like to refer as “relationship challenged” kicking out all this love advice like they got it all figured out. That prompted me to make this list so if you or anybody you know fits these criteria you might want to chill on kicking knowledge to the masses. (No matter how many likes you get on FB or retweets on Twitter; never forget ugly bitches get likes on their pics on Instagram everyday B.)
Please no more relationship advice if you have 2 or more kids with deadbeat fathers. You’re obviously not a good judge of character.
Please no more relationship advice if you ever let a nigga beat your ass and you still stuck around or you’re still cool with him. "Remember that time you smashed my head into the coffee table? Yeah, that was a wild night boo."
Please no more relationship advice if you’ve been hurt by one man too many now you’re part time dyking. Just go out and find the women of your dreams. On the bright side you’ll save a grip on condoms, birth control and tampons. Everybody wins.
Please no more relationship advice if you allowed a nigga to cheat on you.
Please no more relationship advice if you have 3 or more baby fathers. You haven’t mastered condom usage and that’s way simpler than making a relationship work.
Please no more relationship advice if you have been engaged more than twice but never married. Either you can’t close the deal or those dudes realized you aren’t all they thought you were.
Please no more relationship advice if you’ve been single (as in not even dating) for longer than a year. You’re not even in the game what the fuck do you know?
Please no more relationship advice if you’re ugly. Ugly people tend to let more shit slide. If you don’t know for sure if you’re ugly ask one of your homies what’s your strongest selling point to a member of the opposite sex. If they say some shit like your personality or sense of humor you’re ugly.
Please no more relationship advice if you’ve been known to clothe and feed your men like you could write them off on your taxes. You are buying your men and some guys will stick around if you’re simping. I.E. your man’s phone/car/cable is in your name you might be a female simp.
Please no more relationship advice if you’ve ever been or are currently a roller. You women with high mileage on that pussy aren’t to be taken seriously in the first place.
Read the list twice does any of this apply to you?
Jean DeGrate is asking you graciously to shut the fuck up

Friday, May 4, 2012

Why Game Exist

The simple fact that men rarely fuck women they'd actually consider being in a relationship with and women rarely fuck men they couldn't see themselves with causes a great divide in dating protocol between the two sexes.

I can easily say that 90% of women I’ve stuck my penis in there was absolutely no way I could consider seriously dating them (and I think I’m being rather generous with the leftover 10%). As a matter-of-fact given the 50% chance that most of those dateable joints fell off over the years, today, I’d probably only seriously date 5%. So that’s 95% of let’s say ummmmmm *nevermind my number* A LOT of non-dateable bitches who have come in contact with my penis. Right about now, you’re probably scratching your head trying to figure out (1) if you are one of the rare 5%, and (2) why would somebody go out and have sex with somebody they had no interest in pursuing anything further with. Listen ladies: men and women have different agendas when it comes to dating. This shouldn’t be breaking news to anybody. I’m sure most of you have read Steve Harvey’s bullshit book or at least went to catch the flick, which should have been titled, “Think Like Just You’re Trying to Fuck”. And, that brings me to the blog…

What men want…
Men want to fuck. Simple. Now all the feelings that may accrue between the day he met you and the day he actually gets the pussy might change things. Just know when he crossed the crowded nightclub to buy you a drink and ask for your number, he wasn’t thinking, “I bet she’s a really kind and thoughtful person,” but something more like, “Damn, look at them titties.” So all that good job, high credit score, having your own place shit don’t mean a motherfucking thing.

What women want... 
Women’s wants read like a job application, and that shit is really specific. He has to be taller than 5’10, be good with kids, have a car, have his own place (at least 5 miles away from the hood), have a good job, be book smart, be street smart, and much more (please list additional qualities below). All that is the criteria for potential relationships, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Every date, conversation and outing is part of an ongoing interview to find out if you’re relationship material (or close enough to it) before coming off those cheeks.

… And this is when the games comes in
We both know what the other party is mostly interested in and we play up to those interest. Men are intrigued by what they see so women wear alluring clothing to appear more promiscuous than they actually are (push-up bras and tight skirts weren’t invented to attract your homies). Just because her titties are falling out of her blouse and her skirt is short enough to be a belt doesn’t mean she’s down to fuck… nope not at all… but that’s how she’s going to reel you in. Dudes, on the other hand, are going to say those things women want to hear because we know that’s what it takes to get his hands on those titties you got hanging out. We’re going to play the nice guy while you dress like a slut and flirt. As soon as those panties drop, the asshole comes out. It’s just two people sitting on the opposite side of the table pretending to be willing to give the other person what they want.

Yeah it’s pretty much that cut and dry
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, May 3, 2012

She Got a Big Ego

Who has a bigger ego: black men or black women? If you said black men, then you must not know of any black women and your only point of reference for black men are athletes and the rappers you've seen on TV.

A black man’s ego
It’s rare that you’ll come across a black man with an ego that is unfounded in anything reality-based. If you run across a black man with an ego, it’s built off of one of these 3 things (or in instances like DeGrate, all 3)…

1. Wealth – Whether he’s a multi-hundredaire, who just so happens to own every pair of Nike Foamposites or he’s actually paid,  there’s a level of smugness that comes along with a nigga getting money. You might not think what he has is “money”, but it doesn’t matter what you think. His bank account balance is $1000, his galaxy foamposites are exclusive, his Rock  Republic demin didn’t come from Kohl’s, and his ego is big.

2. Women – If he’s bedded/dated a lot of women (even if said women are merely mediocre) expect to hear him boasting about it during every conversation involving women… or really during every conversation involving anything. Niggas could be sitting around talking about the new Bentley truck, and this dude just so happens to bring up the bitch he fucked in ’02 who had a Bentley. Then the conversation turns to him fucking the Bentley bitch’s sister. Oh, and don’t forget that his baby mother is Bentley bitch’s best friend. This is the type of guy that assumes he wrote the book on “Getting Bitches”.

3. Actual Fucking Accomplishments – He’s got a master’s degree, opened a successful business, got a management position after only one year with the company, or all his baby mothers get along… you know the things that look good on paper and only really impress people who don’t really know that underneath it all he still ain’t shit. Niggas don’t graduate from Harvard everyday, B.

A black woman’s ego
Before I start this section, let me just remind all you bitches out there that egos can be healthy. I mean, if you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will, except maybe your mother. However, living in reality is also healthy. And, when it comes to black women, ego and reality typically do not go hand-in-hand. No matter what she looks like, her level of education, social status, or level of financial stability, she’s going to have an ego. The men that aren’t attracted to her obviously don’t like women. Other women that don’t think highly of her or find her actions objectionable are haters. And, we all know black women keep a lot of “haters”.

They have no real flaws
If you walk up to almost any black woman and ask her what her faults are, she’ll either: (A) Look at you like you’ve lost your fucking mind or (B) Say some silly shit like “I’m way too forgiving”. She doesn’t realize that carrying a 1500 dollar bag with only 300 in her savings account is a real problem. Having 3 kids from 3 different dudes doesn’t take away from her as person. Being 40 pounds overweight doesn’t make her any less desirable than some “skinny bitch”… Bitch please.

What she won’t do and who she won’t date
In my personal opinion, some people are way too unattractive to keep the word “no’ in their vocabularies. Now with that said, no matter how ordinary, or in some case less than ordinary (busted), she is, there’s shit she won’t do and certain types of guys she won’t date. They are above during laundry or tidying up their man’s house. That huge lump of pride in their chest won’t allow them to do such trivial task for their “him”. Just this week, I literally stood 4 feet from a 300lbs 5’3” ugly bitch who said she wouldn’t date 50 Cent… yes, the successful rapper/entrepreneur. It blew my fucking mind that this childless and manless 30 plus year old woman would turn down a date with 50 Cent. It took all the strength in my body not to ask her, “Who gave you standards?” Women that should have next to no standards due to physical, social, and/or financial reasons always turn their nose up at guys well within their league. She won’t date him because he’s got too many kids. She won’t date that guy because he’s under 5’8. She won’t date this guy because he doesn’t drive.  

Down to slander the next chick
I don’t watch reality TV, but I hear all about it via Twitter, FaceBook, and office gossip. You’d think these women they are calling stupid and immature didn’t make way more money than them, date guys well out of their league, and lead lives they can only dream of. They slander celebs and their peers alike; wholetime, they are on similar levels. How are you slandering Ochocinco’s joint for tapping the darkskin joint with the contacts, if you were just fighting in the club last Friday night? How dare you call Keisha from Southside a hoe, if your numbers are up there with hers… you just ain’t got the 3 seeds to prove it? What exactly makes you better than the joint with the full weave if you just “got a couple tracks in the middle to make it look thick”? You’d think these slandering hoes were living some sort of squeaky-clean charmed life.

Is your ego unwarranted?
Jean DeGrate has a big ego…  can back it up.