Kids are a scam

***Before I give anybody the wrong idea I love my fuck trophy because, real talk, it was between her and a 2004 Aston Martin DB7 with 6,000 miles on the dash. I don't have an Aston Martin. I stopped driving my Lexus coupe because her legs were getting too long and now I drive a car the size of a boat with enough leg room for LeBron James. My kid is me 2.0 but better looking (and if "me 2.0" went over your head we both ain't shit in perfect harmony).***

First off I'm out of the kid game. Yup, that's absolutely right, my penis and I are done making new people.  That has nothing to do with kids being a scam and everything to do with me not wanting to start over again once Madi turned 5. The idea of having a person in my home that doesn't speak the language and spends the majority of their day eating, shitting and sleeping doesn't really work for me. Enough about me though. Outside of explosive shits, random vomiting after meals and sleepless nights there are so many more child terrors that aren't being spoken about.

Babies are wild expensive
When I had my kid I had money so it's not like she sent me to the poor house. I didn't have to decide between Gucci shoes and baby formula but in retrospect that bill was heavy. Infant child care was higher than my rent (and it's even higher now 10 years later).  Place that on top of the fact that babies need an entirely new wardrobe every 3 to 6 months. Not to mention they are finicky eaters so half the food you buy will end up on you, the floor, the bib and every fucking where else besides in their bellies. Babies are down to put everything in their mouth except food. 

With babies everything is an emergency
Get your vacation days up. You're going to need them. Since, as previously mentioned, babies tend not to speak the language so that communication barrier is real as fuck and any sign of sickness can prompt a trip to urgent care. During those first 18 months of life you'll spend several mornings, evenings and afternoons with doctors poking and prodding your child. Get your mind right.

Toddlers are terrible people
Granted that people are the worst type of people but toddlers tend to be a special type of terrible and nobody is telling you. When people bring up the terrible 2's it's an understatement. I remember the first time I went to visit a girl that owned kids that got to wilding the fuck out. Her toddler aged son got into a tub of Country Crock. It happened so fast; one second he was running around playing with toys and then the next he was a buttered up mad man. This man had butter everywhere; butter in his hair, butter on his face, butter on the walls, butter on the TV screen, butter on the remote control, butter on the couch, pretty much anywhere he could reach it was butter there. It was hilarious to me because it was somebody else's problem. When it was my turn to deal with these shenanigans it wasn't so funny. When my kid scribbled scrabbled on the walls and said it was her name during the time when she couldn't read nor write there were zero laughs. When she gave herself a haircut there were zero laughs. When she interrupted every conversation to say some random shyt that had zero importance there were zero laughs. When she ruined brand new outfits within minutes of putting it on there were zero laughs. When she took off her shoes and sock during every car ride there were zero laughs. 

Toddlers are wild inconsiderate
90% of everything a child has to say from zero to 5 is pointless but they have to say it and you have to listen to it because that's what you signed up for. Can you imagine driving while your child is screaming your name for 5 minutes straight to the point that you start thinking it's part of the beat of the song playing? Can you imagine when you finally acknowledge them they say "I saw a dog"? Toddlers interrupt sleep, phone calls, dinner, television, sex and bowel movements. 

Kids eat your dreams and social life
People always say children are a blessing. They're not. If kids were such a blessing day care would be free. If kids are such a blessing why is it you can't find a sitter on Friday night? You ever scroll down your timeline and see a story of person that had a child as a teen and managed to graduate from college? Of course you have. It's a feat. You know how hard it is to accomplish major tasks when you're responsible for another life (or even worst lives)? Kids can make a tight budget unbearable. Kids can cut the 24 hours in a day in half. Kids can turn date night into perpetual Netflix and Chill. Kids can turn your real friends into people that you follow on IG. Sunday I took my seed to go see "Ready Player One" and if you were wondering it was dope. Anyway I ran into the homie Roc and the very first thing out of his mouth was "We just dropped the girls off. We're going to an adult movie." No "hi" or "how have you been?" He was so fucking happy. This is a guy I haven't seen in years outside of Facebook and I guess that's because he and his wife have been with the kids.

Kids are a scam stay woke
Jean DeGrate has spoken

7 Important First Date Questions

I'm a firm believer that we date wrong. We tend to get wrapped up in people before we really know what's good for us in the long run. The starting point is asking questions that matter off top. We got to skip all that "what's your sign/what do you like to do for fun" bullshit and get to the real shit. You get the idea, right? Cool, let's just get into it. This isn't any type of order and the importance is based on your personal preference.

Do you like Tyler Perry movies?
It's two types of people in this world... People that like Tyler Perry movies and people that actually like movies. In order to exist in the same space for a long duration of time you need to know what side of the line your potential mate lands on. If you're an Oscar nod film buff chances are the Madea lover next to you won't be here for your Netflix musings.

Are you religious/spiritual?
Even though must people that claim to be religious really aren't, but either way they'll drop the God card on you in arguments to suit their narrative whether it be personal, political or socially. If you're also religious all these shenanigans will fall right into your wheelhouse. Spiritual is that religious sweet spot where people pretty much do whatever the fuck they want to do because they don't exactly subscribe to any organized religion directly but believe in a higher power typically named "The Universe". Spiritual people tend to be a bit easier going but way more subjectable to lifestyle fads like the paleo diet, homemade jewelry and men with hoop earrings. If you're spiritual this will pan out perfectly for you. If you're atheist/agnostic this will also be a great fit because spiritual people typically don't attempt to sell you on their beliefs.

Do you believe in gender roles?
Even though chivalry and gender roles are dying out some people still want a love like their grandma and grandpa had. There isn't anything wrong with that unless of course you're not about that shit. If you want a partner that you consider your equal and expect them to pull their own weight then the old school way probably isn't going to work for. This is definitely a discussion worth having sooner than later.

Are you a social media person or a person on social media?
No they are not the same people. They are very different. Some people are just online passing time, connecting with friends, still playing Farmville on Facebook, posting pictures of their kids and stealing memes and shit. Now other people are social media people where they divulge all types of personal info on a regular basis. They share their highs and lows. They live for likes and followers. They post pictures from every event. They have made several online only friends and have several online only beefs that never go farther than the screen of their smart phones. If you're not a social media person dating a social media person can be annoying as fuck.

Are you poor?
If you're broke please just scroll down to the next question.
Seriously, get your broke ass on; this isn't for you.
Poverty constantly gets in the way of shit. You can't do it big on 40k a year. It's going to be a lot of Netflix and chilling. It's going to be a lot of nights with the fire stick. Outside of having funds for entertainment (which is a hurdle within itself), but building beyond just casual dating becomes a new task. Co-habituating with a broke person kind of makes you a parent. Are you ready to take on that type of responsibility?

Are you in a relationship?
Cheating is popular as hell right now. Real live everybody is doing it; poor people, rich people, famous people, people with everything to lose and everybody else in between. It's a fair question. Nobody wants to be in a viral fight video because your bae already had a bae and that bae caught you slipping because you didn't know they existed.

Does somebody think they are in a relationship with you?
If the answer to question above this is "no" this is a very important follow up question; especially for these "I don't believe in titles" people. So they maybe single but somebody is running around with them as the screensaver on their cell phone and heart eye emojis next to their name stored in the contacts. Which can also end in a World Star Hip Hop moment or somebody sliding into your DM's to let you know what's really going on.

You might want to ask these in the first 10 minutes and save yourself some time
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Women Are Out Here Accepting the BARE Minimum

I woke up this morning and saw a blog titled "Why are women accepting the bare minimum as bae material?"

I mean I know why but I never considered actually putting it on paper. This is typically a conversation I have with people I'm pseudo life coaching because I be life coaching and shit. Anyway the article offered little insight to the cause of the issue. Some personal experience talk, a couple screen shots of tweets and few funny gifs. I don't want to call it click bait but it was.

I know why women are accepting the bare minimum. Not all women but definitely the women that don't know any better. But let me start here...

I'm a catch.

I have a job and make decent money.
I don't have any baby momma drama.
I don't have a billion kids.
I drive.
I live alone.
I've never been to jail.

See I'm a catch.

Only thing I'm not. Well at least I'm not based on that basic ass shit listed above. All of it's true but none of that shit should be considered an accomplishment by anyone over the age of 21, but somehow it is. Hence the BARE minimum, but enough about me let's get to the why.

Men do less; not exactly the least but definitely less
It's a lot of bare minimum ass niggas out here. We don't want to be labeled a trick. We don't want to be labeled a simp. We don't want to be labeled a lame. Nope. Pride too strong. Ego too big. If we even feel like we're doing too much too soon we'll ignore her text messages for a few hours just to restore balance. Let's be honest sex is a whole lot easier to get these days so all the hurdles and hoops men used to have to jump over and through are pretty much pointless. Thank God for the sexual revolution, but with that said the whole premise behind "what you did to get her is what you do to keep her" might be as slight as a "you up" text on the right night. Men tend to keep that same energy. I mean why do more do for the same result?

Men are bashed publicly and privately
Women bash men to each other via text and phone calls. Women post videos of their men cheating all over the internet. People post on all over social media how men ain't shit in intrigue detail. Other men bash men to other women in an effort to make themselves look superior to any potential competition. Some dude named Derrick Jaxn was made a career of exclusively making videos in the driver's seat of his car talking about the short comings of men. The stigma of men well, being less than men is always looming because it's being constantly promoted.

Anything seems like everything
I'd like to pretend women are used to getting shit but at the same time every 3rd girl I opened the car door for acts like I just turned water into wine. I'm Young Jesus in these streets performing miracles. Scroll back up right quick to do a recap of that "I'm a catch" bit one more time. Women really really really act like I'm that guy off the cover letter alone. I'm a regular guy. I once had a girl that I never met in real life tell me I'd make a great father for her child off of 2 phone conversations. Here's the kicker though... the young lady that told me that didn't even have a kid. Funny shit is it didn't even seem crazy to me at the time; it took about 5 years for me to think back on it and say "wow". Even when I hear women brag about their men it's some real ordinary shit. A man taking care of his kids is like a notch under curing cancer. Texting back immediately is right up there with winning a Noble Peace Prize. Men literally get credit for things that cost absolutely nothing to do like calling back when we say we're going to call back and coming up with plans for a date instead of texting "WYD" at 7p on a Friday.

Yeah that's pretty much it in a nutshell
Jean DeGrate has spoken