Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Whores Finish 1st

***Not necessarily “whores,” but I like using the word. Let’s just say that according to the Jean DeGrate dictionary, and for the purposes of this blog, “whores” are women with friendlier vaginas than most others.***

There’re two kinds of hoes out here: 1) The out-in-the-open hoes, and 2) The fuck on the first or second date hoes. The out-in-the-open hoes normally get played as sideline chicks and jump-offs, and even in that role, they normally finish second. This blog is about the “fuck on the first or second date” hoes. It's a war going on right now between good girls and whores. The whores are winning by a landslide… and here’s why.

Do you know any lonely hoes? No… me either. Come to think of it, some of the happiest people I know are hoes. They kind of have this carefree way about them, never really stressed for a long period of time, but I guess that's because they keep a man on deck.

Pre-pussy madness
It's almost an exact science. These hoes have developed what I like to call the "getting the dumb shit out of the way approach,” and by “dumb shit,” I mean fucking. There’s this strange area in every relationship that exists between the initial meeting and fucking: the pre-pussy stage. During that span, most guys are the nicest, most charming motherfuckers you’ll ever meet, and that’s mostly because they are doing almost everything in their power not to mess up their chances of getting you naked. During this stage, women are different too. While men are aiming to hit you with the daddy stroke, women, on the other hand, are aiming to make a good impression, keeping all her skeletons tucked away in hopes of developing a relationship. It's like two people pretending to be better than they actually are to fool the other into liking them. The shit is beyond crazy. The sooner they fuck, the sooner shit gets real.

Whores aren't limited by such inhibitions
The difference between a regular woman and a whore is a whore doesn't view sex as a prize. That's right ladies and gentlemen: there is no imaginary finish line, no coochie points to accumulate, no allotted time frame for fucking, or any of that preconceived bullshit. Yes… bullshit. Good girls put a strict timeframe on the pussy to avoid being considered a whore or easy. A good girl will let you kiss all over her, maybe slide in a finger or two, get her panties soaking wet, but won’t fuck… just because she doesn’t want to be grouped into the “whore” category the next day. For a hoe, it's really simple: if she's feeling him and wants to fuck him… she will. There's no pedestal for her to take the pussy off of to get the show on the road. After the sex, he'll pretty much stop pretending he's this great guy, and if they really like each other, they’ll move forward. So while, the regular woman would have spent 3 to 4 weeks dating Mr. Not-So-Right to find out he ain't shit, the whore would have gotten to that knowledge (all the while getting a nut or two out of the way) in 6 days and moved on to the next nigga on her roster.

Dating in numbers
Good girls tend to date one dude at a time. Yeah, she might go out with Anthony on Tuesday for happy hour and do lunch with James on Thursday, but those dudes are in the friend zone, and they don't even know it. She really likes Mike so she’s only seriously dating him. Anthony and James are just fill-ins when Mike isn’t available or she’s (for whatever reason) trying to pretend she’s keeping things with Mike low-key. On the other hand, if a hoe has 3 dudes on her roster, all those dudes are getting clock, and they are all in equal contention until one dude clearly pulls out ahead of the rest. It's a recipe for success, and the odds of a hoe finding a compatible suitor are much higher because she covering more ground in less time.

Whores don't reboot
After the good girl has wasted 6 weeks to 3 months dating Mr. Wrong, she often becomes a bit of a recluse. She spends the next couple weeks mulling around in a man-hating funk. She can’t eat; she can’t sleep; the bitch is damn near on suicide watch over a 3 month “relationship”. Whores don't have such hang-ups because they don't intertwine sex and emotion as deeply as the good girl. When one dude turns out not to be the dude for her, she just moves on to the next one (no Jay-Z).

Feeding into misconceptions
There are all these little "easy girls" delusions floating around that lead poor good girls to act against what might actually benefit them. They are so stuck on what "society" may or may not say is the right thing to do. The biggest misconception is that men won't like you if you sleep with them too soon. Bullshit. From a fiscal standpoint, dating an easy woman is a smart move. Do you know how much an average date costs? Dinner, movies, and drinks will run you at least $150 on the low end, only to finish the night with a pelvis out church hug. After 3 good dates, you could easily be down 450 to 800 bucks to get a goodnight kiss. Yeah… she's cool, but Lil Ray-Ray had the crystal clear bootleg of all 3 of the movies you just took her to see for $5 each, and you just paid $800 for a kiss… no tongue. So yeah, the hoe that's fucking fast will get a return call. Simple economics tells us it's more bang for the buck… literally. Unless the pussy is bad, she can expect a follow up date. As far as the hoe with horrible pussy, she might still finish first if her head is on the one or she’s cool sitting Indian-style on the floor, watching bootlegs, and eating carry-out, but that’s another blog.

Now with all that said, do you know any lonely good girls or stand up chicks? I know tons of them, and I mean it can be 10:35pm on a Saturday night in the middle of summer and these bitches are sitting on the bed, eating ice cream, watching Bravo, ALONE. I also know a ton of stand up chicks dating ain't shit niggas because they don't want to start from scratch all over again.

I'm not telling you good girls to go out and start fucking on the first date; I'm just simply asking, where were you last Saturday at 10:35PM?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Best and Worst Sex

*Shout out to the Champ of VSB of sparking this blog, and I really hope my mother doesn’t read this blog*

These are some of the scenarios that have led to very good or horribly bad sex in my personal experiences…

Get with the fucking program sex (Worst Sex)
Ok, we are rounding the bases. We’ve pushed pass the kissing/rubbing stage and are in the partially nude breast-exposed zone. Then, out of the blue, her body goes limp. She goes from willing participant to half dead zombie. You literally have to tell her, “Put your hands up,” to take her shirt off and physically roll her over to get those jeans off. Strange… it was all good when I was getting carpal tunnel fingering you around those 7’s on some 8th grade shit, but now that it’s about to go down, you turn handicap.

Voluntary head (Best Sex)
I don’t know what it is, but when a broad just snatches up my man and goes in with that slow neck service unannounced, it just drives me crazy. The only thing that beats unexpected head is the unexpected swallow, and the combo of both might have me picking out engagement rings at Tiffany’s.

Guilty conscience mid-stroke conversation sex (Worst Sex)
I’m a solid 7 to 12 strokes in, and then out of nowhere she screams, “Hold up. Wait. What are we doing?” If you had any concerns, we should have gotten them out of the way around the time you thought it would be cute if I wore your thong as a headband. I personally like to get all formalities cleared up well before… to put it bluntly… my dick is out of my pants. Once my penis is out, I’m in a different mindset and not exactly up for aiding you in sorting out whatever emotions led you to this point. Even if and when you get back in the mood, my mojo is going be a bit shaken, and since I’m blown, I’ll be fucking simply because my dick is still hard.

Unexpected Phatness sex (Best Sex)
By now, every living man and woman on the planet Earth has seen the Erykah Badu “Window Seat” video. Every man that I know didn’t see that ass coming when she slid off those sweatpants. Those cheeks came out of nowhere, like a Luke Dancer during choir rehearsal. Every once in a while, a woman begins to undress, and that body is way more spectacular than you could have ever expected.

Sometimes you just want say get the fuck out of my house, and other times, you wish you could have this moment for life (No Nicki Minaj).
Jean DeGrate has spoken