The Best and Worst Sex

*Shout out to the Champ of VSB of sparking this blog, and I really hope my mother doesn’t read this blog*

These are some of the scenarios that have led to very good or horribly bad sex in my personal experiences…

Get with the fucking program sex (Worst Sex)
Ok, we are rounding the bases. We’ve pushed pass the kissing/rubbing stage and are in the partially nude breast-exposed zone. Then, out of the blue, her body goes limp. She goes from willing participant to half dead zombie. You literally have to tell her, “Put your hands up,” to take her shirt off and physically roll her over to get those jeans off. Strange… it was all good when I was getting carpal tunnel fingering you around those 7’s on some 8th grade shit, but now that it’s about to go down, you turn handicap.

Voluntary head (Best Sex)
I don’t know what it is, but when a broad just snatches up my man and goes in with that slow neck service unannounced, it just drives me crazy. The only thing that beats unexpected head is the unexpected swallow, and the combo of both might have me picking out engagement rings at Tiffany’s.

Guilty conscience mid-stroke conversation sex (Worst Sex)
I’m a solid 7 to 12 strokes in, and then out of nowhere she screams, “Hold up. Wait. What are we doing?” If you had any concerns, we should have gotten them out of the way around the time you thought it would be cute if I wore your thong as a headband. I personally like to get all formalities cleared up well before… to put it bluntly… my dick is out of my pants. Once my penis is out, I’m in a different mindset and not exactly up for aiding you in sorting out whatever emotions led you to this point. Even if and when you get back in the mood, my mojo is going be a bit shaken, and since I’m blown, I’ll be fucking simply because my dick is still hard.

Unexpected Phatness sex (Best Sex)
By now, every living man and woman on the planet Earth has seen the Erykah Badu “Window Seat” video. Every man that I know didn’t see that ass coming when she slid off those sweatpants. Those cheeks came out of nowhere, like a Luke Dancer during choir rehearsal. Every once in a while, a woman begins to undress, and that body is way more spectacular than you could have ever expected.

Sometimes you just want say get the fuck out of my house, and other times, you wish you could have this moment for life (No Nicki Minaj).
Jean DeGrate has spoken