Saturday, December 22, 2012

Why Marriage Isn't What It Used To Be

If you didn't know 60% of all marriages end in divorce. So if it's 10 married couples sitting in a room only 4 of them are going to make it to "until death do us part" (my they should just take that out). I know when you get married it will be the right one, your soul mate, it's going to last forever and all that other dope shit. Yeah, that sounds great but probably won't happen anything like that; cheers to you for staying optimistic nevertheless. Now on with the blog...

People get married for the right reason
It's a handful of people out here still getting married for green cards and money; please allow them to be in profitable relationships. I'm not judging. On the other hand the majority of the people I've met who chose to jump the broom has done it for love and actually wants to spend the rest of their life with somebody. It's no way 60% of the people that decide to make a life commitment got it wrong. The actually change in institute of marriage is a direct result in the changes of the relationship between men and women over the last 60 years or so.

Casual sex
At one point in America sex and marriage were almost a package deal. Easy access pussy was typically available via prostitutes. Now you can bypass courting, bypass dates, a few text messages, late night phone conversations, Skype and a FaceBook account with up to date photos will have you in the running for the pussy. True interaction is not needed to get what must men initially want. You've been watching Catfish right? It's not just obese people falling in love (but mainly like) via a computer screen.

Your mate doesn't actually need you
It seems like so long ago that a man's place and a woman's place was separate and clearly defined. A man was really the head of the household and bread winner and a woman was in the kitchen cooking up dinner. That shit is so over. Equality straight up ruined all that. Men cook, clean, do their own grocery shopping and aundry. Women make their own money and support their own households. Outside of live in companionship and going half on the rent what is really being lost out on if shit doesn't work out?

People change
We've all had people in our lives we've out grown or simply grew apart from. Ideals, habits, interests and aspirations change as we grow older. Any relationship where people are bound to mature differently without any direct pressure to stay together can't really be expected not to falter. It's no way to guarantee the person you fell in love with will be the same person 10 years from now and you can't guarantee you'll be the same person that fell in love with them. Just think of the shit you were into 2 years ago that you wouldn't be caught dead doing today. Just think of the people you knew 5 years ago but aren't even FaceBook friends with today.

You can get all the perks without saying "I do"
I know more common law husband and wives with kids than actual married couples. In most cases you could totally bypass that trip to Jared and when the shit is over bypass the lawyers, divorce papers and coming off of half your shit. You're living under the same roof having unprotected sex. What exactly will a marriage license change? Oh yeah, your filing status with the IRS and not shit else.

Yeah marriage ain't what it used to be
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Jean DeGrate Christmas List

It's been a few years since I put out a Christmas list of the things I would like for myself and others that might just be a tad out of reach. Things that would make me the envy Instagram I can get on my own.

For the world not to end on the 21st
To be honest with you I got real tangible Christmas presents to get and give so the world coming to halt 4 days shy of it would really dampen my holiday mood. That's some real Scrooge like shit Mayans.

If the world is to end on the 21st can a nigga get a zombie apocalypse
(Zombie apocalypse wish list blog dropping next week if the world doesn't end that is.) I've seen every episode of "The Walking Dead" and I know I can do a better job than Rick at leading the survivors. I'm cool with eating canned food and I'm in great zombie fighting shape (I bench press 320). Even if I was all alone like Will Smith in "I am legend" I probably wouldn't go crazy either.

My own sports bar
I don't watch a lot of sports so I can easily get pushed out of the manly man category.  I don't have a huge amount of team pride and I won't ever even consider wearing another jersey for as long as I live. I do love to gamble though. I'm pretty fucking good at and I can honestly account for at least 20% of my yearly earnings to gambling winnings. Where else would be a better base of operations to place bets than my very own sports bar? I can't think of any.

A billion dollars
Because it's a fucking billion dollars and I want to be rich.

For ya'll coons to get off of Jay-Z and Beyonce's nuts
It's ok to admire somebody, I admire Howard Sosin (He invented the hedge fund when he was with AIG, Google him) but I almost never bring him up. I never wish him happy birthday on FB or Twitter. I don't track his movements because his everyday ongoings are rather trivial and aren't worth my time to marvel over. Hov and Bey aren't even the best at what they do and I've got the record sales numbers to prove it. Admire in silence.

Bring YSL back
I loved YSL not this new SLP. The logo was iconic. (I fully expect nobody else to give a fuck about this but this my Christmas list make your own.)

A real solution to this mad gunman violence
I know gun control sounds like the answer but it's not; if people intend to do evil they will succeed at it with or without a Glock or a Sig. We need a real solution and it's bigger than the laws government can put in place.

My goatee to connect
Its young niggas and few women that can grow a full beard that will make Rick Ross blush. I'm a fucking 32 years old man and I can't get my chin hair to meet up with my mustache. I'm losing. Do they have Rogain for facial hair?

To meet a family that celebrates Kwanzaa
I would love to visit that household and actually watch the celebration that is nigger Hanukkah. In my mind they all wear Kente cloth clothing to part take in the least successful holiday ever. For the record BJ and Steak day > Kwanzaa.

For Coons to stop saying free people that did the crime they are incarcerated for
Your cousin, baby father, brother, dad, homie, favorite rapper or whatever the relationship maybe is a criminal. They aren't obviously very good at it because they got caught. Right? Please allow them to finish out their sentence. Hopefully they will perfect their craft or find reform. Sincerely a former criminal.

All I want for Christmas is those things listed
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, December 13, 2012

People that Eat Ass Are Untrustworthy

Because it had to be written

I remember it was the spring of 1997 when I was watching HBO's prison documentary "The Prisoners of the War on Drugs" for the first time and I was introduced to concept of eating ass. My young mind was blown. Now take into consideration I was already 17, no longer a virgin, I was selling drugs and get head on a regular basis. With all that accounted for the idea of somebody willing putting their mouth at the exit point for shit still floored me. Why oh sweet lord why would anybody even want to gamble with the chance of ingesting human feces? Even for incarcerated homo thugs doing life without the possibility of parole and nothing to lose that shit was still gross.


So the birth of Twitter and 15 years later folks are discussing and admitting to all types of sexually debauchery. I know more about the sexually likes and dislikes of perfect strangers than the less 20 plus women I've bedded, but seriously though. I pass a lot of judgment as I twatch from the sidelines. Everything from licking toes to syke-a-dyking to of course the eating of ass; because nothing is taboo on Twitter. It just takes a certain type of savage to dive face first into an asshole for the sake of sexually pleasure. When Andy Dufresne crawled thru a mile of shit in "The Shawshank Redemption" it was for freedom but you niggas are taste testing ass so a bitch can get a nut?


With failure to find a rational reason for ass eating I official deemed all ass eaters to be untrustworthy. They have to be the kind of people that throw caution to wind and laugh in the face of danger. I mean seriously what's a 5 second rule to a person that eats ass? (What's a goon to a goblin?) I even came up with a list of the top 5 things I would especially not trust people that eat ass with.

Taste in restaurants
Oh your favorite restaurant is the Oceanaire? They make a crab cake to die for? You've never had a dish from there that you didn't love? Who the fuck cares? You eat ass for kicks. I can't hold you taste for food in any regard knowing you've ingested excrement. Fuck your opinion and your taste buds my nigga and I mean that in the nicest way.

Expiration dates on medicine and/or food
It's no way an ass eater is a stickler for expiration dates. They seem like the smell then taste type to me. To an ass eater an expiration date is nothing more than a suggestion of when something will no longer be safe to consume but they'll be the true judge of that themselves.

Washing hands after bathroom usage
This one here is a no brainer. If you'll put your face in ass what the fuck is the point of washing your hands after a trip to the facilities? An ass eating germaphobe is an oxymoron. Unless an ass eater physically has piss or shit on their hands I have a hard time imagining them taking advantage soap and water after dropping a deuce.

Being a designated driver
I don't trust you with your own safety being that you snack on human waste from time to time against better conventional judgment, so how the fuck can I trust you to not take a swig or two at the bar while I'm living it up? I can't. You eat ass so you're not about to turn down any drinks.

Safe sex practices
You go face first in ass; you ain't using condoms like that. No way around it you're going in raw whenever the mood hits.

I don't trust them, fight me
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

And Yet Again 2013 Won't Be Your Year Either

Hi. I'm Jean DeGrate you may remember me from blogs such as "Hoe We Don't Have a Future", "That Degree Won't Keep You Warm at Night Baby" and also being blocked by your favorite Twitter personalities. Now I'm back again with the second installment of last year's blog "2012 in Not Your Year".

It's late in the 4th quarter and this year, just like last year and the year before, you're conjuring up New Year's resolutions (only to give up them by February) and plotting on conquering/claiming the upcoming year as your own.

(Okay the following paragraph is pretty much recycled from last year's blog but I'm pretty sure you all won't mind.)

365 days is a mighty long time to claim
Some of ya'll are praying to Jesus, Allah, the Judge at child support court and whoever else you think might have a hand into making 2013 better than 2012. Some of ya'll are doing that same prayer just to make it from pay check to pay check and from day to day. (Shit... somebody reading this blog is praying that the gas light in their car doesn't come on before payday right now.) Claiming an entire year may be just a little bit more than you can handle, especially if you're waiting for somebody to jump down out the sky and give you a helping hand. Start small claim a month. Make February your month not only because it's the shortest month of the year but because you can prepare for it all 31 days of January and it's Black History month. Winning, but here's some other reasons why you shouldn't claim 2013 as your year...

If the world ending on December 21st will be the highlight of your year
If the end of the world is the only thing that can make you problem free it's no way 2013 is going to be your pinnacle year.

If the most important thing you did this year was voting for Obama
Not to down play the importance of voting because we all know these new Obama era blacks put voting right up there with raising kids and being a good Christian, but it's not as of big deal as you'd like to make it out to be (Google the Electoral College). So if the biggest thing you did in all of 2012 was cast a ballot for the black guy you're haven't none much of anything and there is no elections in 2013 so how you going to top that? You're not.

If you "live" for your kids
Aside for the oxymoron that is living for somebody else but trying to claim something for yourself; I won't even touch on that. Just the proposal of life being meaningless until you had fuck trophies is just... well stupid. How did you manage not to kill yourself or get strung out on drugs when you were living your life without purpose before kids? You can't claim a year if you can't even take ownership of your own life.

If you've had more that 4 jobs in the last 4 years
If making it to a 1 year anniversary is a major milestone for you at place of employment how are you going to conquer a year? Baby steps; stick around at job long enough for your benefits to kick in, get a raise or two and maybe even see what that 2 year anniversary is hitting on then work up to claiming a year as your own.

Your last major accomplishment was graduating from high school
Contrary to Negro beliefs; buy a house, having kids, getting married, successfully acquiring Jordans, managing to stay out of jail and never catching an STD aren't accomplishments. Sorry. I know they all make for excellent FaceBook status updates and Tweetgrams but none of that will get you into the gates of heaven or make it on to a noteworthy resume.

Get your life in order before you run out and start claiming years
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, December 7, 2012

The Day My Man Didn't Show Up To the Party

...and by "my man" I mean my penis

...and by "the party" I mean sex

In my time I've successfully friend zoned a few women some post cheeks but mostly pre-cheeks. This blog is in reference to a woman who went ended up in the friend zone against her will and pre-cheeks. Why you friend zone her you ask? She was cool as ice water but her body did zilch for me like nothing at all. Well anyway on with the story...

She was an opportune homie hook-up
Let's call her Cheryl. Her usefulness came at the perfect time because as I was adding her into rotation the girl who was damn near my girlfriend was moving away (Sheds thug tears). Welp. I knew I would need her and a couple others to fill the void that was being left behind. Man shorty stepped all the way up she was scooping up from the office after working crazy hours with food in hand because she knew I wasn't eating on the clock. Sometimes she'd drop me off at home sometimes she take me to her crib and once I hit that door... comatose every single time. I wasn't even going to pretend like I was slightly planning on fucking.

Then Cheryl got a plan
For a smooth 2 to 3 weeks I was able to avoid her trying to put the moves on me and as I kept hitting her with the same ole two-step she got hip then came up with a plan. One day Cheryl just kept calling me at work to asking if I was tired and did I sleep well the night before; I had no idea what she was leading to so I just kept replying I'm ok. She showed with 2 of the big cans of Red Bull. Fuck it, I guzzled them both and tried to get my mind right. After all in my mind she was more than due (men's friend zones unlike women's friend zones are often easily escapable with persistence, probably won't end in a relationship but fucking, yeah that can happen). She had reached the point where she could rightly invoke "courtesy cheeks". We got back to her place with Red Bull flowing through my veins and she was putting her laughable moves on me. I was almost ready, almost had my mind set to embark on the feat until... she started taking those clothes off. She had some B cup titties at best and her body went straight up and down it wasn't a curve in that thing; she was built like a rectangle. My man went from semi-hard to Play-Doh flaccid in 8 seconds; an entire Cialis commercial played in my head as I copped the sleepy plead one more time. A few times during the night she'd reached to see if she could fine the morning wood but there was no lumber to be found.

I'll give it another shot
In the morning I felt so bad for her. I didn't even want her to drop me off at work but I still allowed it. The next night I didn't even get up with her I got up with one of my other joints just to see if everything with me was ok. Just as I suspected everything was working just fine. I was actually backed up because I was given Cheryl so much of my clock due to her convenience (don't judge me), so I end up going for a 3peat that night. I still bad for Cheryl; she had done so much I needed to give her the stroke just so I could have a clear conscience. Then it hit; I'm going to get drunk. That drink should have me where I need to be. I've seen some of the sketchy bitches I've smashed the morning after drinking heavy. Tequila was all I needed and I cursed myself for not thinking of it earlier. She came to scoop and the first stop was liquor store. Before we could pulled out of the liquor store parking lot I was already half way thru my first drink. By the time we got to the movie theatre I was half way into the 5th of 1800 and I was lit. Throughout the movie I was taking a "maintain my buzz" shot every 30 minutes on the dot. When got back to her house I was ready to shut it down. Before I could even fully get undressed she started in with that mouth. I was ready; I could have knocked a lamp off of a coffee table. She rose up to finish getting undressed then the moonlight hit that subpar body and before I could even get the condom on I was holding a wet noodle. I tried to suck on them shitty little titties, I tried to think of more attractive women I've bedded, I even tried to hype my dick up by tugging on it, but nothing I could do in Cheryl's presence would bring him back to life. That night was the second longest night of my life; morning couldn't come fast enough. After that night I had to give shorty her space. I originally thought my penis had failed me but I really failed him by subjected him to such a situation.

JD can't be fucking for favors and shit
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Courtesy Cheeks

I'm on the brink of growing the meanest mutton chops I've ever grown in my life. This doesn't have shit to do when this blog but I just thought that I should mention it anyway. You're all welcome.

Courtesy Cheeks - the act of sexual intercourse out of a sense of obligation over actually having mutual sexual attraction and true intimate interaction leading to it. In a nutshell you felt like you owed someone sex and paid your debt down accordingly.

I'm guilty of submitting to courtesy cheeks a few times myself. Yeah I'm not above it. Maybe she made a few Target runs to pick up a few odds and ends for the kid, came thru and gave me the slight when I had the flu or just hung around long enough for me to say "well she's cool so I might as well give her the stroke". I'm ashamed, but enough about me because you women are way more into slanging these courtesy cheeks than I ever was or ever will be. I even got a courtesy cheeks failure under my belt (see blog titled "The Day My Man Didn't Show Up To the Party" coming soon).

The whole concept of owed or deserved sex is like soft core prostitution. I'm not judging but I'm saying that vagina is often offered up for services or goods rendered like it ain't tricking. I'm not implying that you're flat out hoeing but that pussy might have been used as a bargaining chip a time or two.

Requirements to getting the pussy
Almost every woman has some sort of checklist, a 3 date minimum or sort of made up bullshit that imposes the idea that her current suitor has "earned" the pussy (so she'll feel less slutty). If he takes her on a trip, she's pretty much going to come up off that pussy. If buys her a Michael Kors bag that might not guarantee the pussy but it will damn sure get him few coochie coupons. Now I'm not saying women are fucking men simply for food, favors and gifts (even though some are), but I'm definitely saying if guy provided none of those things he probably won't be in the running for the pussy. How many niggas outside of a college campus are getting the cheeks off long walks to nowhere and the McDonald's dollar menu? I'll wait. Oh ok and now on with the blog.

It starts a change reaction
Men know that these cheeks are being exchanged for favors, kind deeds and so on and so forth. Why do you think men hold open doors public and buy drinks in the club? Those are the baby steps into the pussy bartering market place. Why do you think new suitors are always so eager to please? It's normally takes a bit more than compatible personalities, good phone conversation and dinner at Friday's to get to the pussy promise land. But even with all that knowledge it's some confusion about what will certainly get you there. Just ask the guys sitting in the friend zone.

So what's pussy exchange rate?
Women unlike men often view sex as some sort of prize, incentive or treat. This pussy bartering thing isn't an exact science especially with women at the helm controlling the exchange rate. The variables innumerable; has she already decided to come off the pussy or not, her appearance, ego, how she is used to being treated... It's guys out here doing all the leg work and ended up in friend-zone and other guys mailing it in and getting the cheeks in record time. It's guys doing a full 90 days plus and guys seeing equal return doing the JD average of 8 days from meet to cheeks. It's perplexing and down right disheartening. Here's my turn over formula 2 weeks x 50% effort x 2 phone calls a day x get rapey in the 3rd week; guaranteed to work 47% of the time or get you smacked.

I hope ya'll didn't think I was going solve anything I was just exposing the existence of pussy bartering and setting up my next blog
Jean DeGrate has spoken