Wednesday, October 24, 2012

I Don't

I don't give to foreign charities
I remember when the earthquake hit Haiti. I was quick to open and my wallet and send a $1000 to a 3rd world country in strife. I was so proud of myself it was by far the single largest donation I'd ever done. Two days after I cut the check somebody broke into my neighbor's car and stole $6 in change and a pack of winter fresh gum. Then it hit me "Why the fuck am I sending my money to help some grief stricken people on island when I got people starving steps away from my front door?" Helping those people in far away lands isn't helping me. Giving 65 cents a day to famished Africans isn't helping my community. It isn't stopping the starving crackheads from climbing thru my window at night and it's not starting after school programs that keep these knuckleheads from robbing my mother in the grocery store parking lot. I feel sorry for them people across seas struggling but if I can spare it I'm going to take care of home and leave all that world saving to Obama and them.

I don't feed into religion too much
I believe in God but the concept of organized religion doesn't really move me. I was raised Catholic even spent a few Sundays in the Lord's house. I think my faith in religion started turning left around the time I saw somebody catch the Holy Ghost and pass out; I couldn't chance Jesus wanted me to jump around like a fool then fallout for the entire congregation to see. The holes and the contradictions in the good book are a totally different issue. I do good because it's in my heart to do good, not because of the fear of spending eternity in hell or time in jail.

I don't run away from where I come from
I grew up in the hood. I love the hood. I love us. I see so many of us in rushing to get out of the hood. Rushing to get far far away from everything they've known as soon as they get a little bit of money. I grew up made enough money to get out of hood and stayed right there, with my people. I did buy more guns though.

I don't feed into this celebrity bullshit
I don't care if Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together (unless they make a sex tape I'm totally interested in a Rihanna sex tape). I care not for the on goings of the rich and famous if it doesn't entertain me. A millionaire punched another millionaire in the face at the club and that millionaire had to get snitches. I'm sure his money and otherwise awesome life will comfort him through his anguish but I will give no fucks.

And this is what happens when you really don't have shit to write about
Jean DeGrate ain't said shit

Monday, October 22, 2012

Single with 2 or More Kids Baby You Losing

Before any of you women get offend and all bent out of shape just know you went out here and scooped up these fuck trophies. Congratulations. The ability to single handedly raise and own multiple children is only a reputable skill amongst other baby mamas. Now on with the blog...

As we all know women love single fathers so none of this actually applies to us.

I'm a dad and a handful of my close homies are dads... lets see Caddy, Slick, Dion and Jamel. Yep that will about do it and out of those 4 brothers 2 of them are married so I'm actually only tight with 2 single dads. I know countless single baby mothers though, countless. All my other close homies are childless and living. They also avoid women with multiple kids in seriously relationships like the black plague and this is why...

Women with multiple kids do less because they have more going on
If she has a kid she's a mom first. If she has 2 or more kids she's a mom 2 times over. It equals more homework, more laundry, more snotty noses to clean, more expenses and less time for him. When he's getting the feeling like he's being squeezed into her schedule, that's exactly what it is. So yeah, he could be sitting by the phone on standby or he could just date a woman without kids. Women with kids damn sure don't attempt to do anything extra to make themselves more dateable or desirable. It's "I got kids what the fuck do you expect".

Nobody wants to be Alan Bean
Do you know who Alan Bean is without the help of Google? I'm going to jump out there on a limb and say you have no fucking idea who he is. He's the 4th man on the moon. Being the 3rd dude to impregnate a chick is like being the 4th man on the moon. He's accomplishing a not so impressive feat. He's boldly going where at least 2 dudes have skeeted before. Even though no parades will be held for any man that knocked up a woman but being last on the scene is like oh ok she's still fertile. He's just adding to the collection.

That baby wear and tear is real
Chances are them titties ain't half of what they used to be. Those tiger stripes all over her abdomen aren't going anywhere. Yeah that raisin belly is here to stay. Unless she's genetically blessed with that bounce back gene or has a mean workout ethic it's safe to assume her glory days are behind her. You know who fucks with shirts on? Fat women and women that own multiple kids. You know who loves to fuck with the lights off? Fat women and women that own multiple kids. Sometimes fat women and multiple kid owners are one in the same. The first guy damaged her, the second guy finished her off and now this new guy has to have shirt on lights off sex.

Committing to a woman with kids means committing to those kids
Yeah all that "I don't need nobody to play daddy to my kids" is great in theory, but you can't seriously date a woman without some kind of interaction with those kids. Once he gets pass that just fucking and dating stage when sleepovers become the norm there will be kid interaction. A man can't just sit on the couch and pretend little man doesn't exist; he's going to have to talk and play with that kid even if he can't stand that kid. As the relationship progresses those kids will become more involved into his life on a regular basis; trust when shit gets real those kids are part of the package. Trying to get a place together? Got to make room for those kids. Nine out ten dudes without kids aren't about that instant family life.

They will still fuck though
He will sell you dreams, lay that pipe and sneak out of the house before the kids wake up on nights she can't find a baby sitter. He'll keep it light and string things along for as long as possible but the odds are against him taking it any further. Going from no kids to 2 or more kids is a hell of a jump.

Less is always more when we talking kid ownership
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Act Your Wage

"Wage - a sum of money paid to a worker in exchange for services, especially for work performed on an hourly, daily, or weekly basis"

People are always telling other people how to spend their money and how to manage their finances. I'm one of the people always getting told what I should be doing with my money, so I know exactly what it feels like. In this blog I'm about to tell you what not to do with your money and say some of the realest shit ever. Don't blow your money.

Last year I paid $19,753.40 in federal income taxes and that's after dumping 16% of my earnings into my 401k tax deferred. Yeah I'm in whole other other tax bracket. I live in the hood in a 2 bedroom apartment with a rent of $800 a month and I have ZERO debt. With that said I sleep in on my couch (I have bedroom furniture though) and my most prized possession is my entertainment system including my 51 inch flat screen TV. Despite all my inferred frugalness I'm currently wearing a $200 cardigan, $700 shoes, $350 belt and $200 jeans but still manage to support a child, ride on 20 inch rims and live well below my means. I've found the perfect balance between doing what I want to do and not going broke also known as acting my wage.

July was crazy
If I was on that check to check shit I'd still be in the process of paying back payday advance loans and shit. Everything just went bad in July. On June 29th a 2 hour thunderstorm fucked my city over, knocked my power out for week and to top it all off it was a heat wave. I had to pay holiday rate for my 3 day hotel stay, restock my fridge, and eat all 3 meals a day out for a week. My fish died and my house smelt like it I had to replace those and the tank too. Then I had my daughter's birthday on the 17th and of course I had to get her all the dope shit she required.  Just getting my house back in order and the cost of eating out, I easily spent 1200. I was prepared for such a situation by not spending every dime to my name and I didn't have to turn to my daughter then tell her "Sorry, daddy can't you the iPad 3".

You want it one way but it's another
In a perfect world all my beautiful all my lower-middle class and below black people would have 40 acres, a mule, a luxury car of their choice and a yearly all expenses paid trip to South Beach because coons love Miami. Life isn't that way; chances are your life isn't shit like a verse from "Niggas in Paris". Since only 29.3% of the black households make 50K or better that means most of you coons are poor despite all of that crazy financial magic Eastern Motors performed to put you in that 2002 C-Class Benz. (Side note - if you're paying a car note on a vehicle that's 10 years old or older and you consider yourself an adult you've failed at life.)  If you had to move back in with your parents for any other reasons than saving up to buy a house or losing your job obviously you're not winning financially no matter how many pairs of Jordans or Michael Kors bags you own.

Being broke is immature
If you're 25 plus and gainfully employed phrases like "All I got is 20 until Friday" and "I got you on payday" shouldn't exist in your lexicon. I know life happens but you should be sitting on something. You're far too old to be living check to check. Something like having to put new tires on your car or replacing a broken cell phone shouldn't put you in financial disarray. You can't be eating Top Ramen and planning trips to Miami at the same time homie.

Seriously cut the shit
Who you living for? Who you stunting for? Why you buy that Lexus when that Camry would have flown you in knowing you got rent to pay and kids to feed? Why you financing a TV from Rent-A-Center when that tube TV was still working? Why you turning your nose up at Coach bags when that Louie cost more than you make in two weeks? Stop letting your wants exceed your funds. Those likes on Instagram won't fill your fridge. The comments on FaceBook won't keep you lights on or stop the repo man from snatching your whip.

Handle your money correctly because God will not provide
They say God looks out for babies and fools; that might be a mean embellishment. Being grown and failing to spend within your limits will have you back on your mother's couch or worst. It's homeless niggas out in the streets right now waiting for Jesus to come thru. You can't satisfy your champagne taste with 4Loko money without coming up short somewhere else. You should only use credit to buy big purchases i.e. cars, houses, major appliances and emergencies. Don't let Best Buy trick you into financing that big screen; if you can't buy it in cash don't get it. Ideally anything under 3k should be paid for straight up. I would honestly lose sleep knowing that I still got payments to make on my bed. "Only 10 more months and this 2 year old living room furniture will be mine"... That's crazy talk I'd sit Indian style in front of the TV before that.

You make Jenkins money don't keep up with the Jones's
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Hitting Women... The Uppercut Incident

"She wanna act like a man I'mma treat her like a man"

I don't hit women... shit I don't even beat my daughter and she surely has earned an ass whopping or two in her short life. Do I condone hitting women? Absolutely and unequivocally. Yeah I got a mother, a daughter and a sister and yeah I wouldn't want any of them to receive a beating from a man or woman, but on with the blog. I've seen women do things that certainly warranted a beat down. I'm not talking that verbal bullshit because as a woman you automatically get a pass on talking shit. I've seen women go off and physically assault men twice their size. Some of those men simply walked away (and I'm sure God is smiley down on those fellas) and some of those men beat sparks out of them bitches (I'm pretty sure God isn't smiley down on them but I wasn't mad at them dudes though).

The line of disrespect
It's an imaginary line or threshold for the amount of disrespect a man will take. In most cases that line is in a different place when dealing with members of the opposite sex. I.e. a man to man situation where somebody accidentally steps on one's new Jordans may very well end in a shootout, several murders and jail time. Now if a woman committed the same offense it would simply be brushed off. See the line of disrespect for women to cross is normally much farther up the road for the men that don't follow the Ike Turner ideology. Women habitually take advantage of this liberty.

We are equals
Women have the right to vote, equal pay and other types of dope shit. So why not equal consequences for your actions? If you poke a bear you'll probably get mauled and it doesn't matter if you own a vagina or not. That glass ceiling in place when it comes to physical violence won't always be a saving grace.

Ready for the consequences
If woman is going to act unladylike and raise her hand towards any person be it male or female she should be ready for the repercussions of her actions. The determining factor of what those consequences will is always in the hands of the defender. When I saw the uppercut for the first 17 times I was shocked, not because he hit a woman, but because he opted to use that punch. Whose first punch is an uppercut? I thought it was just and this is why...

If she was a man
I saw the video several times. I saw how she was carrying on and if she was a 25 year old man acting in that manner the bus driver Artis Hughes would be revered as a hero. Artis would be the working class man that stood up to an unruly inner city punk. T-shirts would bear the silhouetted likeness of his signature uppercut. Saying would be coined "Don't get caught with that Artis Uppercut". He'd be interviewed by Russ Parr and Steve Harvey on morning radio talk shows. But Shi'dea Lane is a woman who assaulted a man and he was expected not to react, right?

But we are equals right?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Saturday, October 13, 2012

How I Fucked Up a Lesbian Friendship

Once about a time I had two lesbian homies. One white and one black; yep I had the box chopper market cornered. I still got Kerry but let me tell you how I fucked it up with my black lesbo homie, let's call her Pam.

Pam was the cousin and roommate of chick I was talking to back in 02 or 03 I can't be sure of the year, but I didn't have hair yet. The cousin and I never hit it off (in other words I never got the cheeks and come to think about it I can't even remember her name) but somehow Pam and I got super tight from me breezing through the crib just two times. I always wanted a black dyke homie because I thought she would make the ultimate wingman and the Lesbo God reached down blessed the kid.

She was cute
She wasn't so dyked out that you couldn't tell she was a pretty girl. She had pretty hair and kept in two strand twist. Slim build, she wasn't one of these old burly bull dyke joints but she stayed with baggy jeans, t-shirts and Jordans on like all the time so I couldn't see what that body was hitting on. She easily had more shoes than me but I guess that isn't hard when you wear little boys' sizes. With all that dykie swag she made a horrible wingman; the shit was laughable how bad shit went over when we hit a happy hour. After about 3 failed attempts to work her wingman charm we just hit up strip clubs or I'd swing pass her house or vice versa.

She was super cool
Whether we was getting wasted in the strip club or having competitions going back and forth at broads on Black Planet (don't judge me ya'll did it too) we used to have a blast. It was like she was a dude for real and she was always down to get up and do some shit. I'd hit her on the chirp because we both had Nextel and she'd never hit me with that "I'm broke" rap it was always "who driving".

And then came the picture
Even though we had only been kicking it for like 3 months it felt like we went back years. So one day we're chilling at her mother's house looking through old shoe boxes full of pictures and there it was. It was a picture of her but it didn't look shit like the little nigga I'd be kicking it with for the last months.

JD - Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the fuck up... who's that?
Pam - That was me at homecoming dance?
JD - what? Homecoming dance? Hand me that

...and there was Pam but a girly version of Pam in a tight blue dress with perky palm sized titties, flat stomach and a phat ass. Her hair was straightened and it reached the middle of her back. Slim was bad as shit and I was stepping all around town with her dressed in jerseys and shit looking like Queen Latifah's little sister. It took a good 5 minutes to calm the creep in me back down. I regained my composure, tossed the picture back in the shoe box and played it off cool.

And then shit got weird
Just so you all know I went above and beyond to avoid ever bringing up that picture or any reference to her being an actual girl. If anything I treated her more like a dude. Then out of nowhere and days later she bought up the picture...

Pam - You did say anything about me as a girl
JD - We still on that? Ain't like you're a girl anymore.
Pam - So you don't have nothing to say?
JD - You're my nigga and I saw of picture of you in a dress the shit was kinda gay.
Pam - You know I'm a woman. Are you just going to keep avoiding the question?
JD - You like girls so you already know you used to be a tough joint. You don't need me to co-sign that, but yeah I'd smashed the old you.
Pam - That's all you had to say I'm still the same person
JD - Nigga you probably wear underwear with dick holes in them.

She laughed and then I smoothly changed the subject.

And then shit got really weird
In retrospect I could have shut all this shit down because I saw it coming when she bought up the picture after the fact. Women want to be perceived as fuckable. That's why women in committed relationships come to club with their titties hanging out and shit. Yeah they are not there to hook up but they want niggas to push up on them, buy them drinks and make them feel pretty. As dykie as Pam was, I treated her like a man for months and that made her feel not so fuckable. So a girl I that I never shared more physical contact than a fist pound with suddenly became ultra physical. Now she wants to play fight. Now she wants to sit directly next to me on the futon. Now she wants to workout with me wearing tights, sports bras and shit. What did I do about all this? I allowed it because deep down inside (maybe not that deeply) I wanted to smash so I let my penis sit in the driver's seat.

And then she got naked
For this solid week or so of the slow pitch box tossing she was doing, I just merely played along and still kept her in that nigga lane. I might have called her "gay" a 1000 times during that period but I never crossed into move making zone. No accidently feel ups, no lingering embraces; I smoothly avoided all that dumb shit she was setting me up. I was pretty proud of myself because that blue dress image never left my mind. Then she raised the bar. One night we were supposed to head and she slid through in her work clothes with a duffle bag asking to use me shower. Sure, cool, why not? I didn't even check the toilet for shit stains just told her to head on up. About 5 minutes passes and Pam is yelling down the stairs "I need a towel". I run up the stairs, grab the least beat towel out of the linen closet and tapped on the bathroom door. The bathroom door swings open and she's standing there wearing panties and Nike ankle socks; all chill I manage to hold on to went out of the window. She went from dyking homie to fine naked girl inviting me into the bathroom with her. I'm far from Zane so if you were expecting some detailed sex scene description you may need to visit another blog. I fucked. We chilled. I fucked again. We also never made it out the house that night.

And somehow I expected everything to go back to normal
I'm stupid it like that sometimes. In my mind we fucked so she knows she's still fuckable and now that we got the dumb shit out the way she can go back to dyking and we can go back to being homies. Nope, nothing like that happened. She kept up with the touchy feely bullshit and was no longer interested in doing the shit we used to do. She pretty much turned into a girl and that wasn't what I signed up for. I did what any man in position would do I completely ignored her fucking existence and instead of saying "What the fuck son? Go head with that dumb shit". After about a week of sending her to voicemail and not answering her chirps (Nextel) she stopped trying to contact me. I saw her a few months back in passing she was still dyking and gave me the meanest ice grill once she noticed who I was. Welp.

Now I get straight women and make them homies. When they start acting all girly trying to put the moves on the kid and shit I already see it coming. I hit them with the swerve and get shit back on track.

If I left her unfucked we'd be all good
Jean DeGrate is down to one lesbo homie

Monday, October 8, 2012

That Degree Won't Keep You Warm at Night Baby

You got yourself a master's degree, a closet full of designer clothes, handbags and shoes, a great career, a luxury automobile and money in the bank. You go girl. I bet you consider yourself some sort of catch or something? Yeah you do and I can see why. A man with all those things (minus the handbags of course) would be, for lack of better words, the shit. Women love men that are well situated, somewhat accomplished and shit. But that doesn't necessarily translate over that well when it's vice versa and this is why.

Bringing to the table the same or more
I often hear women make these two statements. "I can do bad all by myself" which translates into "I'm already struggling fuck do I need a nigga that's struggling for? So we can struggle together? Fuck that." And "Any man I'm dating needs to match everything I'm bringing to the table or better."  That statement pretty much negates all of your accomplishments because all the men that aren't your perceived equal or greater will be overlooked. That guy working as assistant manger in Target may be down right flabbergasted by all that you've done but will you give him a shot?

A phat ass trumps your degree every time
Well maybe not every time it's more like every fucking time (and by phat ass I mean great body but I'm an ass man). You don't believe me? Well, when is the last time you saw Condoleezza Rice as a centerfold? How about Oprah? I bet you've seen several glamour shots of Beyonce and she just got her GED this year. Your master's degree in sociology may just land you the job of dreams but it won't do a damn thing for when you're in happy hour trying to get noticed. Niggas ain't checking your résumé.

Men are genetically design to be attracted to your physical features
Consequently your physical pretty much trumps all. I know seems real shallow doesn't it? Having a place to live and source of income are virtually a necessity but all the other professional polishing you may have acquired are more like a fluffer. We ultimately gain nothing from it. Men aren't looking for women on their level especially since men tend to make more than women on average; that would basically make a large portion of the dating pool untapped. That Cliff and Clair Huxtable life is a rarity. In real life when Bill met Camille he was already an accomplished stand-up comedian and she was a college student.

Men tend to date younger woman for the same reason women date older men
Their places in life are just more compatible and desirable. Women often date older men because they are more accomplished in life and are more suited to play a provider-protector role. They are normally wiser, have more assets and therefore look much more appealing.  Prime example women find Rick Ross attractive but the nigga looks like a young black Santa Clause. On the flip side of the spectrum younger women are normally more appealing to older men because they possess the traits that they are attracted too i.e. their titties ain't all saggy, they still own a waistline and cellulite hasn't taken over their legs yet. It's a win win for everybody.

Next time you're at happy hour and you see a professionally dress man flirting with the half dress bartender but not paying any attention to you and crew of professional women you're going to already know the deal.

Snuggle up with that degree though
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

What Makes Me Sad

I'm always seeing what's causing pain and aguish in the life of others but I never really talk about the things that weigh heavy on my soul. I to know hurt and sadness; my pain runs deep let me share it with you.

Black Twitter
Everyday on Black Twitter is like the beginning of "A Tale of Two Cities"... "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness..."  I know Black Twitter is where the means kids hang out and slander is in abundance but the level of stupidity, immaturity and close-mindedness there is just disheartening. Black Twitter you are the bane of my existence. Well not really I could always not logon, but how the fuck would I keep myself entertained at work? I could always do actual work but, I'm clearly not about that life.

Catching an elevator somebody just farted in
You don't know the woes of standing on an elevator full of funk for 7 floors; it isn't going anywhere it's down for the long haul. "I didn't sign up for this shit. Who did I wrong? Fuck it's in my mouth, I can taste it. Oh, now this lady getting on the elevator going to think I put in this work. Fuck my life and fuck working on the top floor of this building. I should have taken the stairs."

Little kids with dried up snot of their faces
It's something about seeing a little black boy running around with that thick scab hard dried up snot on his face just let me know that his parents ain't shit and he's got such a hard road ahead of him. Do you know how long it takes snot to dry up hard like that? At least 20 minutes. That means he's out and about and his parents aren't even checking for him. It's going to take a hot rag soaked in rubbing alcohol and a chisel to get that shit off his face.

Ugly lightskin bitches with high self-esteem
This inside lightskin vs. darkskin racism has done a terrible injustice to you unfortunate faced lightskin girls. No matter what onset physical adversities these poor red bone women have, they carry an air of confidence like they just made the finals of America's Next Top Model. It just hurts my soul when I see them talking and carrying on like they are on top of the world even though I know they'll probably die alone.

Ignant coons talking politics
I appreciate Obama coming along and making every black person get involved and way more vocal in government policies. Somehow the least informed coons are the most vocal and bias though. I know your president is black but so is everybody else's. Who died and made you the black Bill Maher? They should have never gave you niggas internet.

Fat women with little titties
I can't think of a worst physical combination than a large woman with anorexic breasts. She lost the genetic lottery and it just breaks my little heart.

I get sad sometimes too
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, October 1, 2012

I'm Grown So...

I've reached the legal age for drinking, smoking and voting but being grown is so much more than that. None of that relationship settle down bullshit or that accumulation of wealth foolishness either. Sir Isaac Newton lived and died without ever getting the pussy and must people die poor so it can't be about money. I'm talking about the things you start to appreciate or flat out hate once you reach a certain level of maturity. I came to this moment of realization last week when I got a random "What ya doing?" text at 11:42pm on a Tuesday. No, I wasn't sleeping; to be perfectly honest I was drinking Don Julio and Simply Lemonade watching "Sons of Anarchy". I still found it alarmingly disturbing that an adult would reach out to another adult they aren't even fucking just to chit chat and shit. Nah B I'm not having it which brings me to my first point of maturity...

Don't call me and don't text me off the late night
I'm a grown ass man. I work 40 plus hours a week and I'm raising a daughter on the side. Fuck I look like entertaining another grown up when I got to go to work in the morning. Sunday through Thursday past the hour of 11pm I'm only taking calls in reference to my child and emergencies that directly affect me or I can be of some sort of assistance in. You want to shoot the breeze call somebody without shit better to do.

I'm not waiting in line to give my money away
If I got to do something other than walk into a shoe store ask for my size then pay for it at the register I won't be able to buy those shoes. I can't get up early in the morning then wait in line for a chance to spend money on over priced shoes made in Taiwan (because it's no guarantee it won't be sold out by the time I get to the front of the line). I also can't stand in line at the club. Fuck that, I can't let this washed up high school football player dressed in all black have that much control over me. Not just so I can hang out in a hot nightclub avoiding people stepping on my shoes and buy overpriced liquor.

I'm passing on these fads
Niggas wearing jean jackets with the sleeves cut off? Snap back hats are back? Facial tattoos are the way to go now? Asides from all the money I've blown on these fly by night trends (remember Von Dutch and throwback jerseys) I've seriously out grown all the coming and going trends. I get excited by a nice new pair of pants but these new niggas are going ape shit over whatever Rick Ross is signing off on. I'm clearly not about that gaudy gold chain and leopard print clothing life.

I'm not trying to impress anybody
Like seriously though, I don't chase pussy and I'm not seeking employment so I don't have anybody to make an impact on. I get no fulfillment from "likes" on FaceBook. I'm not even on Instagram because I don't take pictures of my meals, clothes or myself. I wear Louie; I wear Gucci at the same damn time, but I also wear Levi's and Target T-shirts. Right at this exact moment my dreds need to be twisted, I can stand to shave and no fucks are given.

I'm getting older so a lot of shit is getting played out
Jean DeGrate has spoken