Friday, May 28, 2010

She’s not even on my level; the cheating shock factor

It’s always a super big blow to almost any woman who encounters the sideline chick her man was cheating with. Most women can’t grasp the downward slide so I'm going to break it down:

Women normally up cheat:
It’s much easier for a woman to cheat up than it is for man, simply because if a dude won’t bun you, it damn sure don’t mean he won’t fuck you and fuck you on the regular. I’ve hit more than my fair share of women that weren’t relationship material in my time knowing damn well they weren’t girlfriend material the entire time. I’m not the only guy; men across the map live for the easy bucket BKA, the women already in the relationship trying to step out. Sex with no strings attached is so hot in the streets from a man’s perspective.

Men normally cheat down:
Unless he’s dealing with a chick that’s cheating herself it’s very unlikely for a dude to cheat parallel or even upgrade from his current mate in an ongoing affair. Most guys will find a chick slightly (sometimes way) below his normally dating standards that’s willing to go with the dumb shit he’s bringing to the table (like the dream about being single or on the verge of breaking up with your girl when it’s become obvious that’s not the case). Her self-esteem, income or education levels are normally low as well and sometimes it’s all 3.

She does the things you won’t do or the things you don’t do anymore:
Its several perks to having a sideline chick, because they are normally super slutty i.e. she just might give you head while you stand at the bar in a nightclub and it’s no way in hell your girl would do something like that. Oh yeah, the sideline is always ready to give up that becky; in the drive thru, in the movies, sitting in the house watching the game she down for swallowing them kids. She’s always in the mood to get it popping no foreplay needed. And what type girl is that? The type of girl that is eager to please because she is just happy to have him around period so she’ll do what she has to do to keep him there.

No Drama:
With good-looking women come issues. It seems like the better she looks the more issues and the reverse can be said of the less attractive woman. Yeah, that’s all no examples or further explanation needed.

He cheats with lesser females because it’s easier
Jean DeGrate has spoken

3 of the codes I live by

The Uptown Code: If she rolling let her roll:
*Rolling: ready to participate in sexual intercourse with relative ease.* My uptown brethren and I roll by this code that most other guys wouldn’t be able to see the greater good in. If my girl or any female of significance seems to be interested in giving my homie the ass, he got the pass to go head and tap that; better yet please tap that then take pictures. Why? Well, because sometimes “Hey I think your girl is biting” just doesn’t cut; she ain’t biting until you’ve been bitten. A lot of times folks can’t take the longtime homie’s word over a female, even if he’s only known her for a short time, because in poetic words of Eve (from the Ruff Ryders set) “Love is blind and it will take over your mind” that is unless your good homie hits you up at 2am saying “I just smashed your girl she’s in the bathroom when she comes back out I'mma hand her the phone”. Why is this necessary? You don’t really know what your love interest might be up to but if she giving Andre from 3rd street the pussy on the side you may never find out but if she smashed the homie you’ll be in the know off top. Just imagine Ms New Booty got you believing she is Ms Right then 2 kids and 7 years later you find out she been stepping out on you the whole time; if the homie had smashed you wouldn’t have made that far. Necessary evil indeed.

APS AKA Aeropostale Syndrome (Yeah the clothing store):
A long time ago my man Slick and I had a hook-up at Aeropostale but the only problem with that was neither of us shopped at Aeropostale. One day we were determined to use this hook-up before the girl quit the store. We walked around that store for hours until that mediocre bullshit started to look appealing; we just kept seeing things that we didn’t see before or at least we thought we hadn’t seen before. What was actually happening is our standards were gradually lowering based on the selection around us. I’ve come to realize that APS extends far beyond subpar clothing stores, but is even more applicable in the dating world. I readily apply this theory to when I see people dating outside of their normal realm without the blatant reasons for exception, i.e. money or a phenomenal body. This person just hung around long enough for the object of their affection standards to lessen to their level of appeal, i.e. the entire premise behind the movie “Just Wright” even though that would never happen. Since that day in Aeropostale I’ve made it a point to remember my first impression on people and things and the reason why I viewed it in that light so now if anything or anyone grows on me with time it’s because it was something that I didn’t notice before not because it was around so long I just got cool with it.

Never let them play you like a hoe without a repercussion:
This doesn’t mean hoe in the traditional sense as in pimps and hoes or even as in a loose female, but in the sense of getting fucked over. Who doesn’t like to fuck over a hoe? People are boundary pushers by nature if somebody worked you over once and it went over without any kick backs, you better believe they are going to go back in for some more because you are sweet. The first time somebody steps out of line with you check them right then and there, chances are they won’t try you again, but for every time you let them play you like a hoe you’ll have to do something more out of character than you would have to if you would have stopped them in the beginning. Think of the guy that owes you 20 bucks that acts like he forgot and you just let it slide; yep you just got played like a hoe. How about the time your girl left you watching her purse and jacket in the club while she disappeared for 45 minutes like you were playing coat check and bingo you got played like a hoe. These are minor infractions that start a snowball effect into bigger problems that take bigger steps to rectify. So that guy that borrowed 20 from you, still owes you that 20 plus another 100 from betting on the Boston/Cleveland series then he got tipsy at the cook-out and pushed up on your girl. Now the right thing to do would be to beat this nigga’s ass while his kids watch but if you would have told him to run your money when that 1st Friday came around, he would have never done none of that other shit. It’s actually your fault people only do to you what you allow them to do.

This is just some of the things that keep the bullshit out of my life
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Things That Bother Me

When I hear busted bitches talking about they done with men:
Word, you done with men? Come on son, how many male suitors could you possibly have? Let me see a picture of the dude that did you wrong. Baby if you have finally decided to give up on men I’m sure all 6 of the dudes that were pushing up on you will just move on to the next busted chick. Everybody wins.

When girls have sick hips and thighs, but no ass at all:
I see you walking in my direction with them thighs looking like you used to run track or something with that small waist line. It’s a 90% chance that I won’t shoot my shot but it’s a 100% chance that once you walk pass me, I will look back only to get an eye full of all bad. It’s 2010 then can track down the genetic coding that gives you blue eyes but they can’t track down that flat ass gene and eradicate it?

Exposed raisin belly and/or muffin top
Ok you’ve pushed out a seed or two and now you’re stomach looks a tiger stripped elephant skin but you insist on wearing shirts to expose that mid-section to the world. Girl you know that shit ain’t good for anybody. What if I got weak stomach? Now you just being inconsiderate to the general public. The muffin top is a whole other monster; that leather-ish floatation device you keep unsuccessfully tucked under your ill-fitting clothing. Why must it be visible? You know that shit aint sexy and you know you dead wrong. A company made a shirt that is 4 inches longe,r to hide plumber butt, I’ll have to come with the shirt that’s 4 inches longer to hide the unsightly gut.

Andre 3000:
You’re album is like Dr. Dre’s “Detox “, but people actually believe yours is coming out and think it will be good. Sorry Dr. Dre, but nobody gives a fuck about that Detox album but you and the idiot writers for the music magazines that keep bringing this shit up. Ok now back to Mr. Benjamin. You’re not making movies and your clothing line flopped like a Lil Flip CD so what are you doing? We ain’t heard from since John Legend’s “Green light” so where is the CD? Big Boi is all over the place making straight to DVD movies, guest starring on crime dramas as the token black guy, selling pit bulls and doing guest features. All the while you are just sitting around in the house trying on bowties and doing Yoga or some other dumb shit. Give us a mixtape or something dude.

Dudes in super deep V-neck T-shirts:
I’m a bit conservative when it comes to depth of the V in the neck of my T-shirt; it’s pretty much a slight dip in the neck of my shirt. If I had a tattoo on my chest you’d never see i. I expose none of my chest period (but I’m also the dude that doesn’t wear tank tops at all). Now some folks might wear their V-necks a bit lower and if thats what you are feeling, well do you but some dudes take this shit off the deep end (pun intended). I don’t want to see your chest dude I don’t need to see you man cleavage and it’s very gay of you to unveil it to the world. Why would you want a shirt that shows the bottom of your chest and/or the top of your stomach? Nobody needs that much collar room.

The very thin line between fly and gay:
Once upon a time you could almost certainly tell if a dude was gay by what he was wearing. The guy in the small brightly colored T-shirt and tight stoned washed jeans could be easily classified as gay (or a rock star because all rock stars dressed like gays back in the day it was a rule in the record industry) it was a no brainer. That’s because no straight dude (or any dude pretending to be straight) would be seen walking the streets dressed like that. Now a dude can walk out the door wearing rocking purple air tight skinny jeans, a smedium T-shirt with a pair of multi-colored dunks and you wouldn’t have the slightest idea of what team he plays for (not that it’s anything wrong with that) but when the fuck did looking like a man go out of style.

This is why I do this shit... I think they call this venting - Drake “Fear”
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, May 17, 2010

Questions Women Ask That I Hate

So what are we doing exactly?
This question normally comes up after about 2 to 3 weeks of chilling and by chilling I mean hanging out, dating and fucking. I know what we are doing and I assume she knows what we are doing too because she was there but instead of saying “Hey I’m trying to be your girlfriend so what’s up?” she’ll turn to me and ask “So what are we doing exactly?” Unfortunately the automatic response to “So what are we doing exactly?” is immediate stuck face 3 to 7 second pause then reply “We chilling”. I mean really what did you think I was going to say? Off that question alone I might just dip on your ass because you doing too much (refer to Why We Dip).

Be honest what do you think of me?
Chances are before she asked me that question I had never thought about it. Why? Because dudes don’t think about shit like that; it’s like this; she’s cool so we going to keep getting up with each other until a. she pisses me off b. I realize we got a ceiling or c. I get to digging her for real. Don’t force me to think about you outside of us having fun right now because it’s a strong chance I’ll see your faults in HD. So when you ask “Be honest what do you think of me?” just except that “You’re cool and fun to be around” response. I don’t even give up the “fun to be around” part “cool” works just fine for me solo.

Do your friends know about me?
Why would my friends know about you? I’m not a 16 year old girl so I don’t have to get up with all my homies and talk about it every time I meet someone. If you’ve ever seen a dude talk about a girl with his friends you’ll notice that men don’t even really use names. We normally give you a nickname based on 3 things a. where you live (Hawaii avenue joint) b. where we met you (Ben’s Chili Bowl joint) or c. your most impressive body part (phat butt joint). If you get to being important you’ll get a name but you will no longer be a part of the conversation among the homies because those conversations are based on our “adventures” and guys don’t have those types of “adventures” with their girls. To further prove my point I found out my best friend was in a relationship and living with the girl via FaceBook real talk.

If your friend asked who I was to you what would you say?
In a nutshell, if you’re not my girl, you’re a chick I chill with; end of story. What the fuck should I say? You are the sunshine of my life? You complete me? I don’t know what ya’ll expect on that one, but females love to put a title on shit; just can’t let shit be.

You know what just don’t ask me no questions I’m pleading the 5th to everything
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Why We Dip (Yep I’m guilty we includes me)

Ok so this morning I was on (VSB) reading “6 Hard to Master Skills Every Man Must Possess” and one of those skills was successfully breaking up with a woman because sometimes dudes just bounce. And by bounce I mean just dip and fall off the face of the earth we don’t accept your calls, texts, emails, twitter DM’s or smoke signals. So anyway The Champ of VSB put a link on the blog to another blog “Without a Trace” by an Ms Jamilah Lemieux giving the woman’s point of view after getting dipped on and I know it’s wrong but I was crying laughing but that shit was so real. So ladies and gentlemen this is why we dip...

We woke up not feeling like talking to you
This is an unexplained phenomenon among men some days we don’t feel like talking to certain people and today was your day and you didn’t do anything wrong. Now what you did after that initial phone call/text/email is what caused us to dip. Did you send several texts stating shit like “Are you ignoring me” or “Hello” or “Are you OK”? I especially hate the “Are you OK” text because if I’m not what the fuck are you going to do? Nothing at all; that’s what. Did you call several times back to back take a pause for a few hours they start that shit all over again? Did you write something on his FaceBook wall, check the time stamp of his last tweet and cross examine it with the time of your first call and/or send several emails to his job and personal email accounts? If so you just landed in the this bitch if crazy folder and would really like to call you back but we don’t feel like explaining ourselves to your crazy ass or coming up with some elaborate lie for why we’ve been ducking you and eventually you’ll stop calling so fuck it.

We were doing something when you called
It doesn’t matter if I’m shooting pool, watching “The Dark Knight” for 163rd time, having a heated debate we the dude that sits two cubicles over from me about how Kaiser Sosae (The Usual Suspects) was the best movie villain ever or whatever I was doing at the time that I considered more important than whatever you might have to say; I wasn’t picking up that phone. I really meant to call you back but it totally slipped my mind and that 1 day turned into 4 days then I look at my call log and say “oh shit”. But on the other hand she ain’t called me either so to avoid the awkwardness of trying to spark a conversation with a chick I normally speak to everyday and now I haven’t spoken to in a week I just won’t call. Yeah it’s really that simple.

You are super clingy or just doing too much
Real talk instead of saying “Shawty you doing too much” or “Shawty you stifling a nigga I can’t fucking breathe let me get some time to myself” we opt not to take your calls anymore. Instead of getting in an argument that will probably end up in us not talking anymore anyway we can end it here with the end button that the cell phones companies intended for us to use. Yeah it’s the sucker way out I guess, but should I really have to deal with the aggression of person I’m clearly not planning on knowing anymore?

You have excellent sex
You clearly are not the one for me by no stretch of the imagination can I see us being even remotely good for each other, but what you do to me in the bedroom will keep me coming back despite of my better judgment. Before I know it you’ll be pregnant, moving in, putting your cell phone in my name, opening a joint bank account and shopping for engagement rings all because what we do behind closed doors done made me lose my mind. So while I’m still of sound mind I’m going to run from your ass like the cops are chasing me and that includes not taking your calls or any kind of other contact.

Yeah I won’t be taking that call
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Young Chick vs. Old Chick

I once said that the only difference between a young chick and an old chick is more stuff. More experience, more baggage, more wrinkles and more mileage. Yeah it’s more to it than that, so let me put you up on what I’ve learned (a young chick 18 - 23 and the older chick 29 -34).

Women do mature faster than men (unfortunately that’s not only mentally) Women start falling off either after that first kid or around 24 that metabolism starts to slow down and the party nights of club cardio get farther and farther apart. So once those 30’s come around she already well into her decline (unless she got up off her ass and hit that gym or just good genetics) with an attitude that’s oblivious to the fact that her body has been involved in a losing battle with gravity and fast food. Somebody show this chick her senior class year book; advantage young chick.

She don’t really get what I’m saying
I’m quick to quote a movie or song to reference something I’m talking about right now i.e. “Yeah he went and got him an African chick like Eddie”. But I know damn well the young chick has never seen “Raw” shit she might not even know that Eddie Murphy ever did stand up comedy. She’ll nod her head maybe give me a charity chuckle then get quiet on me. If I bring up something I read in the Washington Post this morning or voice my opinion on how dumb that Euro currency move was, she won’t feel me or put up an argument telling me why my theory is flawed; instead she’ll smile and nod. The world economy don’t effect her she don’t have a 401k or an account with E-Trade; advantage old chick.

Her time with you is going to cost you
You could be funnier than Dave Chappelle with better conversation than Anderson Cooper, have all of her favorite drinks in the bar at your house, be a trained gourmet chef and you’d still have to take the old chick out then spend top dollar for the next 3 hours of her time. Her favorite food in the whole wide world could be the Jack Daniel Buffalo wings from TGI Friday’s but tonight since it’s on you, Ruth Chris is as good a place as any. Now on the other hand with the young chick if she thinks you’re cool ya’ll could go sit on the steps of Lincoln Memorial while skipping stones in the reflection pool as long as she’s having a good time she’s down for it; advantage young chick.

You ain’t showing her shit new
It very well may be easier to reinvent the wheel than it is to come up with something new to do with an old chick. Trust me she has seen everything eaten everything done everything and putting her on to something fresh is almost impossible unless she’s been trapped in a cave for the last 10 years. Not only that, you might try to hip the old chick on something and she might correct you then clown you for being wrong (silly little nigga trying to drop knowledge). With the young chick the world is new to her and you can play tour guide; advantage young chick.

She’s an exhibitionist
No movies, no dinner just 3 good phone conversations and that young chick will do a bathroom photo shoot just for you. If you were wondering what she looks like naked she’ll clear that right up for you way before you ever get around to undressing her in person. Yeah and all that sounds great but it doesn’t make you special Andre from 3rd street, Jake that used to take English Comp with her and Mike that gives her free coffee at Starbucks all got the same treatment. The older chick might send you a freaked out picture way after you’ve already smashed and they normally only focus on body parts she favors (probably because their entire package ain’t as tight as it used to be). Advantage old chick simply because if you get a picture it means something; you know the young ones love to sext.

She got her own
The chances of a young chick living on her own are slimmer than the Olson twins; trust it will be a Full House. You wanna come over sure why not? You’ll be stuck in the living room with her and Grandma watching Wheel of Fortune drinking a glass of thick red syrup they claim is Kool-Aid (instant diabetes). The old chick may or may not have some rug rats running around but by the time she put them to bed you’ll have privacy. Every other night mission doesn’t have to be at your house and if she got kids almost all of them will be at her house for sure; advantage old chick.

She’s tainted
Almost every chick got a “Somebody Done Done Me Wrong” song but the old chick got a “Somebody Done Done Me Wrong” song hit list. Oh they have been fucked over time and time again and as optimistic as she might seem she’s bitter deep down inside. You will feel some sort of heat for some dude that tap danced on her heart before you even knew she existed because something you just did reminded her of something he used to do. The young chick doesn’t have those issues, sure she might have been in a bad relationship or two but none of that will held against you; advantage young chick.

She lack substance
Sure everybody is cool and interesting off top because you don’t know them so everything about them is new to you. Once you get pass those first few weeks with the young chick you know where she went to school, her middle name, favorite color, movie and pastime. Now you pretty much out of shit to talk about, those long conversation’s you used to have are much shorter and instead of picking up the phone you normally opt to send a text. With the old chick if you got chemistry you got conversation it doesn’t matter if it’s one week, one month or one year later; advantage old chick.

Now before you old bitties and young chicks get all upset there are exceptions to every rule. Are you that exception? Probably not but there is the young chick with the old soul and the old chick that still thinks she’s 21; maybe she took that Jay-Z 30 is the new 20 statement and ran with it.

I’m sure I left a few things out expect a part 2
Jean DeGrate has spoken

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Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Just Random II (Just My Thoughts)

I hate to see women wearing jeans with no pockets
Why would you buy denim tights? Real talk I won’t even talk to a chick wearing no pocket jeans (unless she super phat you; got to draw the line somewhere). Where do you even buy pocketless jeans? “Ya’ll got jeans with no pockets? Cool; let me get two pairs.”

Recording artist I think I can beat up
So I’m sitting at my desk listening to the first John Legend CD (Get Lifted) straight classic but its one song I normally skip past called “Alright”. The premise of the song is John Legend pushing up on this girl that’s with her dude in the club while he is drunk. Man I would beat John Legend’s ass; I mean this shit would make TMZ I’d have my very own YouTube clip called celebrity beat down. John Legend already looks like he already living on the softer side of life, he needs to be the last guy trying to take anybody’s girl.

Walking with a switch when you have a subpar ass
About two weeks ago, this woman is coming towards me with this mean walk ,as soon as she passed I had to look back to see what she was working with. I look back... and nothing. I wasn’t expecting Buffie the body or anything in that range just some quality cheekage because she was switching like she was carrying something. Instead I get an eye full of subpar ass almost concave butt; yeah all bad. Then over the next few days this switching and bad cheek combo was all over the place and it draws unnecessary attention to your unflattering ass.

Shiny Nickels
The world is filled with assortment of 5’s tall, short, skinny, fat, oddly shape, etc. If you’re looking for a 5 just about any flavor is literally around the corner. It just blows my mind that every other chick is a 5 star, dime or whatever women are referring to themselves as now a days but it’s just a slew of polished up make-up upped alarmingly average women. I still ain’t never met a 10 in my entire life.

Zoe Saldana - Super Overrated
I have seen about 15 Zoe flicks including Avatar, Drum Line, Losers and lastly Death at a Funeral. She is cute and rail thin, she is pretty much the black Gwyneth Paltrow minus the ability to carry a movie on her own. Every roll she has played to date, I can imagine somebody else playing it better (well maybe not Drum Line but everything else for sure). She seems to be filling the void that Halle Berry left behind when the casting directors started looking for a new black chick that looks good playing opposite of a white man. When you see her kissing that white man in the mouth you immediately think “Yeah I can go for that she looks like the type” and she’s built like a typical white woman which just makes it even more believable. Once I get pass that she does nothing for me, I’ve never had a “Zoe just killed that role” moment ever but she doing like 5 movies a year and ain’t crushing shit. She’s like Terrance Howard right after everybody realized Crash was the peak of his career and Zoe’s was Avatar. Not that she did a good a job but she was blue naked and in 3D, come on son you can’t top that even if the Navi language bears a striking similarity to baby talk.

Why I May Become a Dirty Old Man
It seems like I may never settle down with somebody in my age bracket. Why you ask, because the women my age are mostly busted and I’m only 30. So what does 40 have in store for me? I’m not freakishly young looking but they still ID me when I go buy a pack off blacks. I come across chicks 18 that look 25 and 25 looking 32 it’s like a seven year slide on these women. These chicks like Benjamin Button they might have been born old. How I can I call myself settling down with a chick 4 years my junior looking 3 years my senior? Face 30 body 34 and mind 25 no dice; way too much hard living.

“And when I was 5 my favorite movie was the Gremlins it ain’t got shit to do with this I just thought that I should mention” - Lil Wayne ‘Sky is the limit’

Jean DeGrate has spoken