Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Slave Shoes?  

Via the Jeremy Scott X Adidas collaboration the now cancelled release of the “JS Roundhouse Mid” has started a whirlwind of controversy amongst people who don’t have shit else better to do than find something racist about everything. In the last 48 hours I’ve heard them dubbed everything from the “Air Niggas” to the “Coon Shackles Pro” (y’all fools on Twitter crazy), but I really don’t understand what the fuss is all about.
Black people weren’t the only slaves
I know this might catch some of you off guard but slavery wasn’t exclusive to people of color. Up until 1981 you could still legally have own people in Mauritania (a Northern African country), so LEGAL slavery existed in my life time and some of yours. Almost every ancient civilization had slaves those; Pyramids ain’t build themselves son. All those shows like Spartacus, and the random Greek mythology flick that drops every year have slaves and they are mostly all white. But of course since we are black in America everything that might be racist is a direct shot at us. Why they always picking on us? We all know Mary J singing about chicken is super racist because chicken is exclusively marketed for blacks, like Newport’s and malt liquor. (Well Newport’s and malt liquor probably are though; I’ve never in life seen anybody not of color purchase either maybe y’all should start a dot.com revolution about that.)
The creator of Adidas was a member of the Nazi party
Adolf “Adi” Dassler and his brother Rudolf (the guy that started Puma) were motherfucking Nazi’s son. Adolf also gave Jesse Owen the shoes he won the gold medals in so maybe he was playing both sides. He was racist and helping niggers at the same damn time. I’m pretty sure if the company wanted to drop some racist kicks and alienate the largest sneaker consumers on the planet now wouldn’t be the time. Especially since the good people at Adidas found it fit to give Derrick Rose 250 million in February of this year. Even a toddler can see that’s just bad business.
Jeremy Scott makes crazy looking shit
If you haven’t seen any of his Adidas designs prior to the cancelation of the “JS Roundhouse Mid” you might need to Google him… I’ll wait. He puts wings on shoes, tails on leopard print shoes, furry shoes with gorilla tongues, teddy bear shoes that look like bedroom slippers and a vast array of other crazy looking shit. Putting a plastic shackle on a shoe is a bit tame for this guy.
Nike is getting niggas hurt
Every Nike major release borderline causes a riot and results in some sort of black on black crime. Walking down the street in a pair of Air Yeezy 2, Galaxy Foams or South Beach LeBron’s might get you robbed, murdered or both. That’s just niggas being niggas though. Who are we to request Nike to make more shoes or boycott a release to stop the violence? Yeah, fuck that let’s just fuck with Adidas because real niggas wear Jordans and shit.
I don’t fuck with the shoes because they ugly not racist
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, June 15, 2012

Pop’s Wasn’t Around

…And just in time for father’s day
Last year my father sent me a “Happy Father’s Day” text message it might have been the funniest yet ironic text message I’ve ever received. I didn’t reply; I couldn’t think of an adequate response, but that “Eat a dick” response was waiting in the draft folder though. See if you didn’t know my father wasn’t really around as a kid.
Mom’s made due
Of course since he wasn’t around he wasn’t kicking up any dollars either so it’s safe to assume I missed a few pairs of Air Jordan’s growing up. I wasn’t rocking Payless sneakers but the air bubble on my Nike’s were way less prominent than the ones my classmates were wearing. Somehow, someway I managed to get Christmas and birthday presents every year. It was always food in the fridge and we never had to make tomato soup out of old McDonald’s ketchup packets or eat mayo sandwiches. My jeans always touched my shoes and my feet never managed to bust out of a pair those Nike’s. I wasn’t really lacking financial support as a kid so I can’t say because dad wasn’t around I was missing meals or wearing hand me downs. It would have still been nice to say a few pairs of these retro J’s I got in the house now I had them the first time out too.
I don’t really remember that nigga
I’m not one of those guys that can’t point out my father in a room full of black men. I know exactly what he looks like (shit I think I’ll post a picture of him on this blog). I have about 3 maybe 4 concrete physically memories of this guy prior to my 18th birthday. Mostly he bullshitted me over the phone talking about how my mother was keeping him from me and he couldn’t wait until I was 18 to make my own choices and move in with him. Funniest thing about my mother keeping me away from him was he knew where I lived and went to school then to top it off he had free reign to call the house. Honest to God truth if Martin Lynch’s name popped up on the caller ID my mother would hand me the phone. Remember those stories of the kid sitting on the front steps waiting for dad to never come? Yep he put me in the trick bag a few times with that one.
That fatherly guidance came elsewhere
I’m not going to say a woman can’t raise a man because here I am a product of a single family household and make no doubt about it I am a grown ass man. With that being said its still things that can’t be conveyed to boy coming up the way another man can. The local drug dealers taught me how to go about talking to women. Real talk if it wasn’t for the niggas dealing death in my community I’d probably still be handing out “Do you like me? check yes or no” notes. Well… most likely not, but I have to accredit a good share of the cheeks I acquired from the ages of 15 thru 19 to the dudes repping 11th and Girard. My uncle Glen gave me my first beer and taught me how to ride a bike. My uncle Rennie showed me how to drive then years later taught me how to drive a stick. The Mini Page in the Washington Post taught me to tie a Windsor knot so I pretty much picked up my manly lessons where I could.
Some lessons I had to learn on my own
I remember growing up watching shaving commercials with the white men using razors; it’s very rare to see a black man in a Gillette ad.  Those white men led me astray with those Mach 3 razors because my face was leaking like a faucet and that white shaving cream was pink when it hit the sink. My first few shaving experiences were like slap boxing with Edward Scissorhands. And speaking of fighting since pops wasn’t around to show me the “old one two” all my training was on the job. Shout to fight club better know as Eugene Meyer Elementary. A few busted lips and bloody noses got my hands all the way together so no worries pops.
I’m a father now
I got a little girl and I can’t see being away from her. She drives me up a fucking wall most days and costs me a small fortune but I couldn’t see it any other way. I couldn’t live with my daughter feeling about me the same way I feel about my father. I don’t hate the dude or wish him ill will; I just give zero fucks about him. If I got the “Your dad pasted away” call I’m almost 100% sure response would be “Welp” and if my daughter didn’t care if I was breathing or not it would kill me. Now that I think about I’m kind of glad he wasn’t around I think I’m just that much better of a father because I know exactly what not to do.
Thanks for busting the nut tho
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

My Top 5 Reasons Why Women Are Crazy  

“No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.” – W.C. Fields
Omar Gooding said it best in “Baby Boy” when called women unstable creatures and over the years it seems as women have been trying their hardest to prove to me that they are crazy as fuck.
1 - You know what you’re problem is
I don’t know how many times I’ve heard a chick say “The problem with me is...” or “I always fuck up when...” but time and time again ya’ll do the same dumb shit. You always do the same shit and expect different results.
2 - You shop and dress to impress each other
It’s only one type of guy that cares about the type of bag you’re carrying or the kind of shoes on your feet. These guys are normally referred to as gay. Real talk if a girl traded in her Louie bag for Jansport backpack most dudes wouldn’t give a flying fuck if he even noticed (the guys that would are probably gay). Most dudes don’t know what half that shit is anyway. Then to add insult to injury some women don’t even cop the authentic shit they go see the stand man or the man “who got hook up in New York” because everybody knows all designer shit is dirt cheap up “north”.
3 - You give advice you wouldn’t take
Women tell other women shit they wouldn’t imagine doing and it’s not that it isn’t sound advice they are giving (even though sometimes it is just bullshit flowing out of their mouths’) but they would not apply any of that to their own lives.
4 - Your homies ain’t shit
Women roll with a gang of women they think ain’t shit. Almost ever woman I know that actually claims women as friends has at least 2 ain’t shit homies and they full out know they ain’t shit. They vacation with these hoes, stay up late nights listening to their man problems and then tell all their ratchet ass stories to others. But seriously though if you know she ain’t shit why you hang with her?
5 - You think you’re special and the exception to the rule
Some women will be special and be the exception to the rule. She’ll be the one that makes the player not want to play anymore or the tightwad come off some cash. She’ll have a dude doing things out of his character on a regular basis and not because he’s a trick but because it feels right when he’s with her. You’re not that chick. Don’t compare yourself to the last bitch or the next bitch because ya’ll ain’t the same bitch. Stop trying to make yourself the new exception to the rule and stop acting like you’re entitled to shit.
That shit crazy
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

5 Things that Don’t Mean as Much as They Used To

The times they are a changing, shout out to Bob Dylan, and things that used to be such a big deal aren’t quite as paramount as they used to be. So here’s my list of my 5 things that don’t mean as much as they used…
1. Being a Virgin
Once upon a time female virginity was held on a pedestal (nobody ever really gave a fuck about male virginity that shit was always worthless). Waiting until marriage to come off that pussy was an honorable and very respectable thing. Yep, that shit’s over now. You can put that pussy on the shelf if you want to and odds are you will die alone. You’d be hard press to find a man to call a woman his girlfriend without test driving those cheeks a few times let alone going to Jared to price engagement rings. I’m not even sure saying “I’m the only dude my girl been with” is even a bragging point anymore; which brings me to number 2…
2. Being a Hoe
Being a hoe used to be an “end all be all” type of situation. Having high mileage on that pussy would put you so far out the game that you’d have to move out of town to shake that scarlet letter. Not anymore though. Men are seriously dating strippers and rollers in same regards they would date a regular woman. You also get bonus points for being bi-sexual. Hoes be winning son.
3. Being a Nice Guy
I’m a douche bag, 20 years ago I wouldn’t even been able to keep a pet let alone maintain a circle of friends or actively date. Now being an asshole is like the new black. Girls love assholes; I got the mileage to prove it. Being a nice guy these days will 9 out of 10 times get you thrown into that simp category or the friend zone early.
4. Giving Head
In 1996 no man or woman of color would openly admit to giving head. The chicks that were sucking dick were like urban legends or porn stars and niggas would rather endure Chinese water torture than admit to even considering chopping the box. Man oh man has time changed. Niggas will come to your house eat the pussy and just go home and finding a woman over 19 that haven’t had a dick in her mouth means she’s probably been gay all her life.
5. Meeting somebody off the Net
Remember when meeting somebody you met on the internet was the craziest, most unsafe thing you could do? Believe it or not that was only like 15 years ago. Everybody on the net was potentially a stalker, rapist, weirdo or serial killer. Now people are meeting up on the net and getting married and shit. One of you reading this right now has a POF date lined up for this weekend.
Shit ain’t the same no more but that easy access mouf is all love tho
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, June 11, 2012

How the Internet Saved and Ruined Hip Hop at the Same Damn Time

You see what I did there?
Hip Hop’s golden age was from 1995 to 2003. Rap music was getting mainstream love and those mainstream dollars along with it. It was like overnight rap artists went from driving BMW’s, Jeep Wrangler’s, Lexus’s, and big bodied Benz’s to Lambo’s, Bentley’s, and Ferrari’s. Rappers were setting trends, not just for kids in the inner city but for kids all across the country. Little suburban white kids were walking around with the big headphones on the CD Walkman, singing along to the latest Jay-Z songs.  It wasn’t a big deal to go platinum. MTV Cribs showed us our favorite rap stars in million dollar homes, with millions in cars and jewelry… all that just for saying catchy shit on a microphone. The numbers rappers are doing now from 4 singles and an album sitting on the shelf in Best Buy for a year is like what an artist like Master P was doing in a week. 150k your first week aren’t bad numbers now, but 150k your first week in 1997 was going to get you dropped from the label and your Bentley repossessed.
And then everybody wanted to be a rapper
When I was kid, I used to freestyle with my friends. Don’t judge me bro; if you didn’t drop a rhyme here and there, you didn’t grow up around black people. We were doing it just to be doing it. Nobody had makeshift studios in their standup showers. I didn’t know anybody who had a Karaoke machine let alone anyone who owned a microphone. We still wanted to be Michael Jordan, Barry Sanders, and Bo Jackson. When 2000 came around, I couldn’t go farther than 3 blocks from my house without somebody trying to force a mixtape on me. To top that, every week we had a new one hit wonder and just as quick as he blew up in the rap game, he would fade away into nothingness… sometimes without even releasing an album. Anybody remember Smilez and Southstar, Major Figgas, Cool Cool Cal, or Bone Crusher? The market was way oversaturated, and the sales started to slow.
And then came Napster
Napster made inner city bootlegging look like kids gambling for penny candy. If you thought the guy with the suitcase full of CD’s outside the carryout was stealing from the artist, then Napster was Robin Hood. Everybody with a Dell and DSL could have their favorite artist’s entire catalog for free. Record sales took a spiraling downfall especially since the people that weren’t going to the bootleg man in the first place were white people, and they were also the ones with internet access.
And then came the end of street cred
Once upon a time in hip hop land street credibility was everything and rumors alone could end your career, but all that was pre-Google, Media Take Out, and the other million celebrity blog sites. When rumors went viral and became fact, all of sudden nobody seemed to really give a fuck anymore. The Game was a stripper, Lil Wayne was kissing Birdman in the mouth, and Plies was a nurse, but somehow it didn’t manage to take the sheen off their rap careers. Shit look at Ross, and I know, “fuck a blog dog because one day we gone meet and you’ll spazz on me like you’re on E.” But, Ross is the biggest example of a studio gangsta ever; he was a fucking corrections officer. That fat boy is still cranking out those hits and talking cocaine work on every other verse. He won... Ughhhh.
And then came free music
With payola and radio pretty much going pop, if you weren’t signed to a major label, media was going to freeze you out. Then places like YouTube and Dat Piff gave the unheard, unsigned, and indie artist a spot to showcase all their free music. Without radio, music videos, or label support, a dude that was rapping in his mother’s basement last year could start label bidding wars and do tours this year. Souja Boy was a pioneer in this shit despite his actual lack of rapping ability. He pretty much gave his first album away via YouTube and still managed to turn it into platinum success. That free music formula opened the door for artists like Wiz, Drake, and Big KRIT. The internet gave us the options that labels and radio had never offered.
Street cred and album sales might have died, but dot.com mixtapes are keeping rap alive.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Attractive Women Always Get a Pass

Its two types of women in the world… the fine ones and then the rest of you women. Hoes be winning but fine women get away with murder.
Yesterday my homie posted a question to Twitter asking men would they seriously date a woman that was pretty much showing her ass and titties on the net. Every single dude that replied was slandering those women that were setting their knockers out for the enjoyment of others and maybe a splash of attention for themselves; cold world. Lucky for me I actually know niggas, so I know better. Niggas be lying son, yep that even includes me. I know depending on how attractive a chick is these guys would smoothly over look the fact that her titties have been on the net or even several publications. I.e. Stacy Dash did Playboy and that ain’t really any different because her titties on the net too but I bet if you did a survey you’d be hard press to find a nigga that will be like “nah I wouldn’t date her” and even then I’d still call BULLSHIT.
Men hold fine women to lower standards
You can be fine and crazy, but average and crazy is a mean stretch and ugly and crazy means you will die alone. The same rule applies for being a hoe, stupid, bitchy, poor, needy and just about any woman issue you can think of. Being good looking will get women thru life as long as men run the world. Thinks it’s a game? When is the last time you saw a fine homeless woman? Let me guess… not never, because when fine women get evicted it’s always some man there to swoop in and save her before the marshals can put her shit on the sidewalk.
Fine women don’t have those ugly women woes
All men love fine women, even gay men. Being in the company of a fine woman is truly the bee’s knees. We men folk pull out all the stops for fine women. If a guy didn’t hold the door for you when you were right behind him you can’t be fine because that’s not a problem fine women have. Fine women can get any type of piece of shit car through inspection. “Sweetheart did you know this car doesn’t have working headlights or muffler? You didn’t? Well just this time I’m going to pass you but make sure you take care of this ok.” Fine women don’t buy drinks in the club or pay to get in; its all you regular looking chicks standing in line paying cover charges and buying your own bottles. Next time that “$200 date” topic gets to popping on Twitter watch how many actually fine women are even involved in the debate at all. They are getting $200 dates on the regular and they can’t relate to your average looking problems.
Fine women don’t need all the things regular women need…
And if they happen to have it that’s just makes them that much better. Who do you think will have more male suitors: a fine ass paralegal or an average looking lawyer? If you said an average looking lawyer somebody fooled you into believe that men aren’t shallow. Your bad. The more attractive you are the less talented you have to be. King of Diamonds is full of women that look good naked pulling in 150k plus a year. I know average looking chicks with degrees that couldn't pull in that much if they were naked doing taxes. Talent and personality are plus with a fine woman but if you average it better be apart of the package.
It’s easier to forgive fine women
Never forget before Shaq was dating Hoops she was fucking former crackhead Flavor Flav on reality TV. You think let’s say Fantasia could pull that off? Fuck no, if Fantasia fucked Flavor Flav that might just end what little bit of career she has left. You think if Lil Mama sucked Ray J’s dick on camera she could spin it into a reality show, a relationship with Kanye West and a chain of clothing stores? Nah son; not a fucking chance in hell she couldn’t even sell the lip-gloss she wore while sucking his dick because she ain’t fine.  Just think about how long your “him” can stay mad at you. If that nigga still beefing over shit that happened 4 days ago you just might be flat out ugly.
Fine women are breezing thru life while ugly chicks are living that hard life
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

This Dot.Com Ratchetness is going to catch up with you

*** If you were a victim of a WorldStar beat down video this blog is not directed at you and I almost feel sorry for all the joy I’ve gotten out of watching those videos.***
No matter what day of the week you already know it’s some sort of freaky trending topic on Twitter accompanied with a picture. Christmas falls on a Tuesday this year and I’m willing to bet a grand that some woman somewhere on my timeline will have her breast out with a Santa hat on for Tittie Tuesdays. Yep that’s right the ratchetness doesn’t even take a day off for Jesus birthday, amen. What does this have to do with anything? Well I’m going to tell you now because all this foolishness will bite you in the ass eventually.
Some of ya’ll ain’t never going to be shit
It’s people out here that have absolutely no desire to be anything greater than they currently are and to those people I say “carry on with the dumb shit please”. Take those nude pictures, make those ass popping videos and just continue your overall ratchet existence. I mean I really need all of the things you do online to get me thru my workday, waiting in the DMV and sitting in gridlock traffic.
Jobs ain’t fucking with ya’ll
I’m sure being a flash light security guard at Rite-Aid or flipping burgers at Wendy’s doesn’t require any major background checks or any level of college education. I’m also sure they don’t give a flying fuck about what you post on FB, Twitter, Tumbler, IG or your own personal blog. Shit they might not think you have internet access at all, but rest assure the last thing they are worrying about is your character defaming their establishments. Now for all you people with real jobs or are applying for jobs that don’t require name tags and physical labor a quick Google search will fuck your career up. You’ll never get out of the mail room taking pictures of Grand Daddy Purp but now the boss knows you’re @LoudPackJames on Twitter so all employees have to take a random urine test. You fucked it up for everybody because you have to twitpic every jay before you smoke it.
You’re kids will eventually find out
My 4 year old has mastered the iPad like she was beta testing for Steve Jobs. She can navigate through Netflix, find apps to download and I know once her spelling game is a little better she’ll be Googling shit. One day in the near future this very blog might be getting the once over by my daughter or even worst, my Twitter timeline and I know I’ve said some less than wholesome shit. I guess when that day comes I’ll have some explaining to do but ain’t shit I did online I’m ashamed of. Now some of you other parents, I’m sure, you can’t say the same and the 6 degrees of separation is really about 4 degrees now with everybody online. So somebody that knows you knows somebody that’s knows somebody that knows your child and know your child knows you participate in tittie Tuesdays. What you going doing when your kid doesn’t want to you attend PTA meetings or pick him up from school because everybody in the 7th grade has seen your naked ass on FaceBook?
Your peers are judging you
Some of the people I follow on Twitter I wouldn’t want around my kid let alone in my house. I can’t be the only one that feels this way because I know the people that are making fun you subtweets and out in the open. So when you say shit like “Finna smoke then teach baby to ride his bike a lil better ”  by @X_simplyAMAZING, how can you really expect your peers to take you seriously. It’s not just Twitter because the shit you say people are taking it seriously. Not to mention if you’re public on Twitter all your tweets are being recorded by the Library of Congress so 40 years from now the future generation will look back on all the stupid shit you all had to say.
You’re extra ratchet online you should do a little thinking before you hit send
Jean DeGrate has spoken