Hey ladies and gentlemen tis the season to buy a gain of shit for your love ones in the name of Jesus’ birthday. It’s lit. I know a lot of us have moved over to online shopping but sometimes we have to set foot in an actually brick and mortar establishment; especially for those last minute gifts. I know it sucks that the internet has yet to completely do away with us ever having to leave the comfort of our homes, but it is what it is though. So here I am with this helpful list to make you aware of your shopping surroundings.
1. You might be in a hood mall if there are at least four sneaker stores.
It’s going to be a plethora of Footlockers, Footactions, DTLRs, Shoe Cities and Jimmy Jazz; people that frequent hood malls buy a lot of Jordan’s and a vast assortment of other sneakers made in Taiwan. Come to think of a hood mall is the only place that 4 or more stores carrying the exact same products, for the same price within walking distance of each other can flourish. Sneaker stores in hood malls have to be the only thing keeping the entire complex in business.
2. You might be in a hood mall if there are at least two jewelry stores/kiosks ran by people of Middle Eastern decent.
I love those crazy Arabs. They will start slashing prices before you even ask to look at anything. “For you my man, I’ll do it for $800.” The sticker price will say something crazy like $3000. Can you imagine what your profit margin has to be in order to cut 75% of the sticker price? That should be the first sign that you’re in for an ass fucking. They are supplying the black community with cloudy diamonds set in 8k gold at 500% markup of what it’s worth if you tried to sell it 30 seconds later.
3. You might be in a hood mall if there is a barber and/or hair dresser, a beauty supply store and a nail salon AKA the black trifecta.
Beauty supply stores are never in nice neighborhoods. It’s a nationwide zoning law. You should probably write a letter to your local congressman because even when you get out of the hood you’re going to have to come back to get a good flat iron and a quality bonnet. The ante is upped when you see a nail salon, barber shop and the beauty supply store all under the same roof.
4. You might be in a hood mall if there are less than two major department stores
First off JC Penny is NOT a major department store. Kohl’s is NOT a major department store. Both are really just glorified K-Marts. Major starts with Macy’s and that really the bottom rung. They need a Macy’s in combination with a Lord & Taylor or something just to ensure you’ll make it across the parking lot after dark without getting your bags snatched.
5. You might be in a hood mall if there is a store that’s probably a drug front.
A store that only sells leather jackets, a magazine and newspaper spot, a store with a plaid short-sleeved suit displayed in the window? Yeah they all are laundering money. It’s no way they can keep the lights on. Nobody is buying the shit they are selling and clearly that’s the business format that works for them.
Honorable mention…the mall security car looks like a real live police car
Keep your head on swivel; stay woke.
Jean DeGrate has spoken