Friday, December 1, 2017

Story Time with JD: She Owes Me Sex

Yesterday the question of the day was “Does anybody owe you sex?” I had a woman that owed me sex; I decided to forgive the debt but if I’m keeping it a buck she still owes me sex. Unless she’s washed then never mind lady please live you life. I’ve told the story numerous times but I never put it on paper so gather around boys and girls it’s Story Time With JD…

I used to be at Hooters every Sunday during football season with the crew in Chinatown. Before the women of Hooters fell off of course. They definitely used to have plenty of “talent” in the building. I’m not a super football fan so Hooters was the compromise spot for the click. I can see the girls and they can watch game. Over the course of the season I started get friendly with some of the talent.

Anyway I ended up dating a chick named Joy (real name because as previously stated if she’s reading this I need those cheeks ASAP). Joy was an HU student and a single mom working at Hooters part time. She also lived in God’s blind spot better known as the city of Baltimore. If you didn’t already know this I’m not a huge fan of Baltimore so our outings consisted of us hanging out after Joy got off work prior to heading home to be a mom. After a handful dates we lined up the overnight “would you like some pussy” date.

Everything was lined up. She booked a room at a hotel by Baltimore’s Inner Harbor; had her cousin baby sitting and all I had to do was pack a bag then drive to Heroin City. This was the age before GPS and Google maps on the phone so I had to hop on Yahoo and actually print out directions. It was the Stone Age; it was a dark time. I left work little early and pulled up to her apartment complex about 6p. Drove 20 minutes across town, pulled up to the Holiday Inn then she hopped out to check-in and she was back in the car in less than 5 minutes. Everything was set. What could go wrong? I found a parking spot instantly with money already on the meter. Winning. Walked into Phillips on a Friday night in the middle of happy hour and got seated instantly. Everything was coming roses. I’m a beer, half a fried calamari appetizer and 3 Hennessey and Cokes in and her cell phone starts ringing back to back. It’s her cousin and I knew the fucking jig was up before she even answered the phone. I’m not about to do the whole conversation back and forth thing so here the gist of it… Her cousin’s baby had a dumb high fever so she was going to take him to the emergency room and didn’t want to drag Joy’s son along. As any decent mom she opted to go get her child which signaled the end of our night. FUCK.

I flagged the waitress down for the check gave her a $100 bill and didn’t wait for the change. We were out. So I’m 4 drinks in on an almost empty stomach and my drunkenness is increasing by the traffic light. We make it to her cousin’s house and the 10 minutes she spent grabbing her kid was like an hour in drunken time. The only thing that stopped me from falling asleep is my Nextel’s low battery chirp. I forgot to mention I had a short in my car charger which becomes pivotal right about now. Her and the kid hop in the car and we make our way to her apartment and I am lit; I can smell the Hennessy coming out of my pores. Jesus take the wheel. She’s apologizing for the 97th time as we pull into the parking lot and for the 97th time I’m telling her it’s cool because shit happens. They get out of the car and head into the building and just then it hits me I don’t know where the fuck I’m at. Like at all. I’m in the neighborhood from Training Day where homie was standing on top of the building clapping pigeons. I flip my phone open to call her and the screen goes black. FUCK. I put in the charger and get nothing. I sat there for about 15 minutes twisting and turning this charger plug every which way trying to get it to work then some random fiend taps on my window and scared the shit out of me. It’s time to go. I pulled out of the parking lot like I just knocked over a convenience store.

So for the record the cell phone is dead, the charger is dead, I’m lost as fuck, I’m 40 miles away from home, drunk as fuck, it’s dark, I’m in the slums of Bmore and the extra kickier it I have no idea what I did with the directions that got me out here for starters. I ride around looking for a gas station for direction to 95 because once I’m on 95 I’m golden and after about another 20 minutes of riding around aimless I find one. I hop out get the directions from the man at the counter and, I bullshit you not, I forgot everything this man said the moment I pulled off. I’m back to driving around trying to piece together what I thought he might of said with my drunken mind. Next thing I remember I’m sitting at green light being awaken by the blaring horn of the car behind me. It’s a wrap. I’m done. I saw a CVS in the distance; about 4 blocks up and parked my car behind the dumpster then went night night. Another fiend woke me up by tapping on the window, but by this time it was 7am and I was sober again. He gave me direction and I gave him $5. I made home by 8 and threw my phone on the charger. When I turned my phone on I had 7 messages all from Joy. 1st was another apology. 2nd was trying to figure out if I made it back to the hotel. 3rd was telling me she had both hotel keys. 4th was telling me she left my name at the front desk so they’d give me a key. 5th was wondering why she hasn’t heard from me. 6th was telling me if I was mad all I had to do is say so instead of ignoring her. 7th was straight up cussing me out. After the night I had I was up for explaining. So I didn’t call and neither did she. Football season was already well over so my Hooters visit were few and far between so we never crossed paths again.

The moral of the story…. FUCK Baltimore
Jean DeGrate has spoken

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