Thursday, December 29, 2011

2012 is not your year

It’s that time of year, right after Christmas and right before New Years, when you all start reflecting on all the dumb shit you did during the year and all the good shit you’re going to do next year. Yeah, shut that shit up. Don’t talk about, be about it. If you’ve been in the habit of claiming years keep that shit quiet then open your mouth when you have some sort of triumph under your belt. I’m just the type of guy to say “I thought this was your year tho” when they are repossessing your car. I’m about that life.
2012 is just not a good year to claim
We’re already expecting the world to end based on a calendar of a civilization that got wiped out about 4 centuries back. I don’t know how they foretold the ending of the world but didn’t see the Spaniards coming. Welp, life comes at you fast. Besides these doomsday predictions, natural disasters have been on a roll these last few years. I personally experienced an earthquake and a hurricane in a 7 day span. Add more natural disasters along with global warming plus the economy is still fucked up; I wouldn’t start claiming any years until maybe 2015. You know let the whole apocalypse thing get old and give renewable energy a decent head start, maybe you should see if Obama gets that second term or not. I’m just saying 2012 is already rocky and it hasn’t even started yet.
365 days is a mighty long time
Some of ya’ll are praying to Jesus, Ali and whoever else you think might be listening to make this year better than the last year. Some of ya’ll are doing that same prayer just to make it from pay check to pay check and from day to day. Claiming and entire year may be just a little bit more than you can handle, especially if you’re waiting for somebody to jump down out the sky and give you a helping hand. Start small claim a month. Make February your month not only because it’s the shortest month of the year but because you can prepare for it all 31 days of January. Winning, but here's some other reasons why you shouldn’t claim 2012 as your year…
If you stood in line for those Concords Jordan 11’s but fail to acquire them
You can’t claim a year if you can’t even successfully buy a pair of Nike’s. It’s still early I’m sure nobody has claimed Memorial Day weekend yet if you act fast you can have that.
If any of your kids are less than B students
I don’t know who will end up with final ownership of 2012 but you better believe their kids won’t be in that slow class. Get your kids education up first then maybe you can claim a year or two. Parent of the year 2014 has a nice ring to it.
If you pay a car note on a car over 10 years old
You still dropping 300 a month on that 1999 Tahoe from Eastern Motors. You can’t claim a year if you don’t even fully own a car that came out last century.
You own every pair of Foamposites
The man of the year won’t be wearing lime green shoes, trust me on this one.
You’re unemployed
The best way to get a jump on a new year is having some sort of income. When the clock strikes 12 and you're popping Miller High Life because it was either a 6 pack of that or a bottle of Strawberry Andre champagne, you already know this is a year for rebuilding. Don’t go claiming any championships.
You have a RUSH card
If you’re depending on a card with a Phat Farm logo on it to take your girl to the movies and order your snap backs online 2012 can’t belong to you. I won’t allow it. I’ll find you and I’ll stop you. Someway somehow I’ll put an end to your campaign for ownership of 2012.
I have no dibs placed on 2012
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Ladies you aren’t the only ones, I fake it too

***I left you last saying how a lot of women think their vagina is much better than it actually is, which naturally led me to this topic***
I’m “Mr. Keep it Real” to certain extent and that extent ends somewhere in the realm of looking a chick directly in her face and saying “Hey this pussy ain’t exactly the bee’s knees over here I’mma go head and stop fucking now”. Maybe I still have the smallest corner of tact left in me and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Perhaps in the back of my mind I’m hoping it’s a fluke and I don’t want to alienate any cheeks I might need if I ever find myself on a sex drought. Possibly I’m afraid of what just might happen if you tell a woman her vagina is trash to her face while she’s laying there naked; I’m not sure it has ever been done but I’m pretty sure the repercussions would be legendary. Either way I’m clearly not about that life and I’ve actually come up with steps to ensure the lady’s faith in her box while I’m in her presence (because once I’m on the other side of that door she won’t know me anymore).
Let’s just play make believe
Stored in my memory banks I have scores of attractive women with quality box that I’ve bedded over the years. I’m glad I’ve had these experiences because at any given moment with newly acquired random cheeks I may be forced to recall on them just to stay hard. It’s that serious and the flash backs aren’t fool proof. If I’ve ever rolled out of your pussy prior to climax stating I was “tried” then you should know your pussy ain’t shit. If you think this relates to a situation between you and I, don’t call my phone I’ll answer the question right now; yes it’s you. No man has ever been too tired to bust a nut; once I get to stroking it’s on unless your box is turning me off. Case closed.
The 15 minute rule
(And if I give no fucks about you it’s the 5 minute rule.) I have slept with women for so many stupid reasons I’m almost ashamed of myself, almost. So when one of these stupid reasons for putting my penis in a girl comes along or upon entry to the box I realize it isn't worth the condom; I already know we don’t have a future. My only real intention is keeping my reputation intact so I’ll give her 15 minutes to get one off before I fake my nut. If she doesn’t get off in that 15… oh well I gave her ample time and I’m out. Now the 15 minute rule goes out of the window if the pussy is good or in extremely rare cases its bomb. Now before any of you women get in an uproar claiming “men can’t fake a nuts because I would know” no you wouldn’t. This shit isn’t rocket science. I jump my man around a few times, breathe will fast for like 15 seconds, pull out, quick spin move then straight to the bathroom. I’ve never been called on my shit and I’ve never had a chick check that condom. Oh, you checking condoms? No you’re not because you believe your pussy is great so you don’t need to check.
After the deed is done
I’m coming back in the room with a soft dick and my boxer on either to gather the rest of my clothes to head home or to go night-night. If she asks me was it good I’ll lie right to her face “Yeah girl you got that work”. If she asks me for round 2 I’ll follow it up with another lie “I can’t go back to back with you, shit I might be in love come sunrise”.
The cat is out of the bag
Now you know the drill, you know my moves and I’m not the only guy that does it. Some of the homies aren’t even courteous enough to fake it they’ll just try to get the mouth. With this new found knowledge you won’t inspect a condom or even admit any of this is valid; you probably disregarded my entire last blog because your pride won’t let you believe you got less than A1 pussy.
One of these days I’mma just say this pussy ain’t gonna cut it and be out but until then…
Jean DeGrate is faking nuts

Monday, December 26, 2011

4 Subtle hints that your BOX might not be great

You’d be hard pressed to run across a woman who doesn’t think what’s sitting at the top of her thighs is God’s gift to man. Well, unless she’s a lesbian then the quality of her vagina is really a non factor, but all these other women would bet their children’s college tuition on the superiority of her pussy.
I’d like to equate good pussy to a good job. I got a good job and sure I get comfortable but every time I think of doing something stupid that might fuck it up I immediately come to my senses. I fear losing my job more than I fear going to jail, and I really, really, really don’t want to go to jail. If somebody gave me a brick of work right now I’d be more worried about my boss finding out than the police rolling up on me. If you’re getting good pussy you don’t want to fuck that up because good pussies, like good jobs, are scarce. And at the same time you’re reading this, with that ain’t shit pussy between your legs, you’re trying to convince yourself that you fit into those criteria. You probably don’t so here are the hints for further clarification…
Your pussy can’t be that great if you’ve slept with more than two ain’t shit niggas. Some guys are just reckless and would fuck up just about any situation; 98% of those guys are in prison. So the odds of any woman on the planet earth coming across more than 2 of those guys in a lifetime is highly improbable; unless you exclusively date parolees that is. You don’t attract ain’t shit niggas, your pussy just ain’t shit. We get the pussy, realize we can do without it then act accordingly.
Your pussy can’t be that great if you’ve ever called or text a guy when you got home from leaving his house but he never answered or responded to the text. Off top “I didn’t get it” and “I fell asleep” aren’t worthy excuses; even if he gives the tiniest of fucks about you he’d shoot you the “Are you home yet text” about a hour after you left. If you sent that “I’m home” text but don’t hear anything from him for a good 4 plus hours later the box is average at best. Side note: if he updates Twitter or FaceBook before you hear from him your pussy just might be horrible. You could be laying dead on the side of the road somewhere but he participating in trending topics and shit, that box is over you should just stop fucking.
Your pussy can’t be that great if you gave him the cheeks and he doesn’t attempt to go back in for seconds the next day. It’s only a few things in life that will stop a man from trying to set up that bomb pussy for the next day repeat session; death in the family, plans to leave the country, you know things that really can’t be rescheduled easily. If he’s sitting on the edge of your bed getting dressed or vice versa and doesn’t ask you what you’re doing tomorrow you should already know.
Your pussy can’t be that great if a guy ever hit the “Dipset” on you. (For those who aren’t familiar with the term. Dipset - when you’re talking to, dating, bunning or whatever you women equate up to fucking a guy somewhat regularly and he just falls off the face of the earth. Stops taking your calls and stops returning your text; all communication and interaction just come to a halt.) To most women the dipset is unexplained phenomena but one thing that always adds to the cause of the dipset is the quality of your box. If it was truly great he would actual try to workout whatever issues he may have had with you but it wasn’t so adding you to his blacklist app and blocking you on FaceBook felt like the right thing to.
So what if guys told that you’re pussy was bomb; men lie all the time.
Jean DeGrate is keeping it real with you

Thursday, December 22, 2011

She’s No Angel

“I keep the city's best never said she was the brightest so if you had her too it don't effect me in the slightest I never met a bitch that didn't need a little guidance so I dismiss her past until she disappoints your highness” – Pusha T
It’s nothing like the wise words of the cocaine rapper Pusha T to set the tone of the blog; plus that statement maybe one of the truest things ever put on wax. And despite the fact that he’s been rocking cornrows for his entire career he still speaks the truth.
We are all secretly optimist
Even as cynical as I appear to be I occasionally hope to be proven wrong; doesn’t happen often, but hey we can dream can’t we. So when the latest love interest comes along of course you only want to think the best of her. It doesn’t even matter if you met her in the club half dressed throwing back shots of Patron with a team of chicks that looked as if they were all down to fuck. All you know is she made you wait 45 days to get the cheeks and they say “never judge a book by it cover”.
You’re not Christopher Columbus of that pussy for sure
If you’re dealing with females 18 or better the odds of finding a saber tooth tiger in your backyard are greater then coming across some virgin pussy. So any woman you come across is going to have some mileage on her. This is just a fact. Finding a woman 25 plus without a kid or two is a major accomplishment in itself. Chances are you won’t be making any milestones with her either. She gives head and already swallows, started that with Dre after the prom; sorry bro. Anal; tried it didn’t like it. Pretty much unless you’re going swinger or S&M all the bases have been covered. On the bright side with that mileage comes a great degree of experience, trust me; you don’t want to be the first guy to get the mouth, it will end badly.
Almost every girl has a slutty moment
I’ve made it a point in my life to personally record as many female slutty as possible. If you’re a female friend of mine and I haven’t already asked you what your slutty moment is it’s either A. I already know it or B. You’re a slut everyday. With that said it’s safe to assume the girl you’re currently dating, bunning or consistently fucking has got 1, 2 or 37 of them under her belt. Maybe 3 different dudes test drove the box in a 24 hour span or she gave Gilbert Arenas some head in the VIP at Lux Lounge or she was gay for a year and ate more cat than a restaurant in Chinatown. If you don’t know any of these part-time Lesbos you need to get out more.
Let that double standard shit go
We all have a sexual history; some could fill a book while others can fill a pamphlet. You can’t keep putting these women on pedestals expecting them to be saints like their lives started the day they met you. She had to fuck somebody before you came along; your new pussy is some other dudes old pussy.  With the knowledge that somebody else used to occupy that box you can focus on if you actually like her or not. If things don’t pan out the box will go on to the next guy.
Her pussy used to be a free agent
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Thank You Coons

I’m taking this blog out to thank you coons for embarrassing yourselves and your families for the entertainment of strangers. I would say you’re embarrassing me as a black man but I throw no claim to you fools; I’m not Moses and you fools aren’t exactly the Israelites either.
Unfortunately one of my guilty pleasures is watching WorldStar videos my FaceBook friends repost. I’ve seen an African militia soldier hand a loaded AK-47 to a chimpanzee, a mom popping her pussy while her child yelled in the background “Eww, mommy you stink”, and my new favorite the video of the college kid getting the breaks beat off of him for a pair of olive green Foamposites. The kids from that video all got expelled from college and I’m sure they’ll be seeking employment in the fast food industry shortly but my homies and I died laughing at it so it’s all good, right? If it’s on WorldStar and it gets reposted it’s a 99% chance it’s something foolish that involves people of color AKA coons. They should have never given you niggas technology. I swear if something stupid or violent is about to go down those camera phones will be filming like you coons are freelance reporters for TMZ. If you hear “This is going on WorldStar” just drop whatever you’re doing and get the fuck from around there.
Coon Related Reality TV
I absolutely hate reality TV. Hate. Hate. Hate that shit, but even I had to hop off my high horse and watch the season opener of “Love and Hip Hop”. Between Jim Jones’ mother talking like she uses Drano for mouthwash and Jim Jones’ girl beating up Juelz Santana’s baby mother I was on the verge of adding that show to my DVR rotation, almost. Every time one of these reality shows focused on black people comes on the internet goes ape shit. I don’t even need to watch any of these shows just hop on Twitter or FaceBook around 9p on a Monday and every 3rd woman I’m friends with will be giving a play by play.
The Maury Show
If I’m ever at home in the middle of the day (which is almost never) I pray for a paternity test episode. It never gets old. The Negro paternity science always astounds me. “Him and Lil Dink have the exact same chipped tooth. Look at his tooth Ray-Ray, look at it. Maury, he needs to stop playing and start taking care of his son.” “Eh Maury, playa to playa she see me out this thing shining getting money; I only hit her like twice and came in her mouth every time. You can’t get pregnant by swallowing Maury. Now she coming out the blue trying to stick a kid on me dawg. You know that ain’t right playa. I know at least 3 other dudes around the way that hit that, and I’m daddy?. Run that test Maury read them results homie.” Maury is just sitting there holding that manila colored envelope and says “Ray-Ray… You are not the father” in that calm Maury tone. When that coon stands up and starts doing that “I’m not daddy dance” I rejoice along with him. I’m glad he won it’s not even about the kid to me. Yeah I know, I ain’t shit but it’s not like I’m the one on TV for not knowing who fathered my child.
The home of Tittie Tuesday, Thong Thursday, Freaky Friday; well Twitter is pretty much down for some sort of female nudity every day of the week. I think it might even be a Heathen Sunday but I’m not sure, but anyway I sure do love me an e-slut they are the greatest. Why not expose your goodies via Twitpic for the chance to be retweeted into infamy? I may not know your name but those titties have appeared on my timeline 15 different times today alone; whether it was ridicule or praise, I’ll never forget them titties. Oh and it you didn’t know the internet is forever and somebody is cataloging all your whorish moments so we can all enjoy then at a later date. Thanks sweetheart.
Yes, you coons are very entertaining but at what cost to yourselves?
Jean DeGrate is just giving thanks

Monday, December 5, 2011

Women with convenient jobs that I would love to date

I know lots of men that think they want women with jobs that sound good on paper, but how does any of that really help you? “My girl is a lawyer” and that’s great if you plan on breaking the law. “My girl is a doctor” and that would be a blast if I didn’t already have health insurance. I’m bypassing the bullshit and going directly to the occupations that will benefit me the most. This whole concept started last week when I came across a massive collection of Target receipts and I don’t know why but I tallied them up. Honest to God truth I dropped a little under 4k in that store over the last 6 months on DVD’s, bullshit electronics, TV dinners and other simple shit. So this brings me to the first chick I’d love to date…
Target Employee
Preferably one of those phat assed tan pants wearing cashiers. She knows for a fact when the sales are coming so I can stack that on top of her discount not to mention she’ll have my Bluray collection on smash. HD everything all the damn time son.
DTLR manager
Even though I don’t buy Jordans and foams like the coon next door, I do get most of my fitted hats from there and I randomly find a shoe that actually suits my sense of style. I honestly only have about 6 pairs of J’s left in my collection, but I do have a 4 year old and 2 thirds of her shoes come right out of that kids’ section. How could I lose with that type of girl on my team?
I have never had a pleasant experience at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Like never in my fucking life. NEVER. It’s always a gang of mustache rocking busted women with big time attitudes that seem to be taking it out on the world because they are in a position of power and just maybe if you’re lucky one cute joint that’s cool. I would have to make that cute joint mine. I don’t even visit the DMV that often but just to avoid all the bullshit and wasted time I would bun her up quick and treat her like a queen. I can just roll over and say “Baby you know my tags expire next month” then precede to dick her down. I’d stay winning.
It never fails every time I get home from the store and start putting the groceries away I always remember some shit I forgot to buy. Do you know how sweet it would be if I could just shoot my baby text saying “pick up 2 light bulbs I totally forgot the bulbs blew in the ceiling fan”? I’d probably never go grocery shopping again ever time I need something I’d just tell her to bring it home from work.
They’re always open and I’ve yet to fuck an Ethiopian chick. Don’t judge me bro.
Nordstrom’s is my favorite department store. Customer service is always on point, the return policy is incredible and they have the ideal combination of high end and low end merchandise. Where else can you go to buy a pair of Salvatore Ferragamo loafers and a pair of $59.95  Asics? Now top all that awesomeness that Nordstrom’s already is with a discount.
Regal Cinema
I love going to the movies and when I can’t find the time or the right person to see a flick with I visit my local bootleg hero. Nope, I’m not ashamed at all. Just imagine all my movies for free, IMAX, 3D and all that shit at zero cost. Do you know how much movies are going for now? You can easily spend 50 for 2 tickets, soda and nachos; that’s a Cricket cell phone bill right there. I’ll smoothly date one of those girls working there and let her do way more than butter my popcorn.
Yeah having a girl that’s CEO at some corporation is a mean bragging point, but where’s my discount?
Jean DeGrate is frugal