I’m going to See Black Panther and I’ll Punch You in the Face If You Ruin My Movie Going Experience

Black Panther is a month away and I haven’t seen black people so excited about anything since Obama got elected (1st term). Funny thing about it is the character has been around for over 50 years. He predates Storm (X-Men), The Falcon (the other big screen black member of the Avengers), Luke Cage and John Stewart’s Green Lantern. Matter of fact buddy used to be married to Storm #BlackLove #RelationshipGoals. Anyway I know the Negro community is coming out in full force; like there will be Avatar box office numbers; this shit might make George Lucas blush. The internet is phcking buzzing with people buying out entire movie theaters and dressing in themes.

I’m not with the shits.

I’m a comic book fan. I’m an avid movies goer. I’m a cinema aficionado. So I’m in the building EARLY for all comics that end up on the big screen i.e. I saw Hell Boy in the movies and it was terrible but it was my civil duty to see it.

I been on this shit; so much so I put my daughter on to this shit. With that said Madi nor JD is here for your shenanigans. I’ve comprised a short list of things that you should do to save yourself from getting punched in the face while trying to enjoy the Black Panther Marvel experience. Here it is…

1. Shut the fuck up the moment the trailers begin.

Not only did other patrons come for the movie we came for the trailers too. It’s a pivotal part of the movie going experience and could possibly line up future theater trips.

2. Stay shutting the fuck up

Don’t clap, howl, whistle or any of that noisy shit when your favorite character comes on screen. Trust me; they can’t hear you in Wakanda. Save your applause. Skip all the loud outburst during action scenes. No need to cheer T’Challa on. He got this, once again trust me, and not to let the cat out of the bag but the good guy wins. That’s the general theme thus far in the superhero genre of films.

3. Stay seated when the credits start to roll

The movie isn’t over. Sure the climax, falling action and dénouement have come and gone but Marvel tends to toss a couple of scenes in after the credits that are Easter eggs for upcoming releases. So if a wave of you movie neophytes rush out blocking the screen the people true to this Marvel shit might miss something pertinent.

You got it?

Good.

Because I will punch you in your fucking face if you ruin my movie.

Jean DeGrate is about that action

I’m Off That for The 2018

Yeah I’m off a few things for the New Year. Not in that “I’m cutting folks off” type of way or the “new year new me” type of way either. Even though I’m writing this blog I’m not exactly turning over a new leaf but I definitely left some things in 2017. Oh let’s do this.

Trump getting impeached

Donny was inaugurated on January 20th, 2017 and by the 23rd I was waiting for the impeachment procedures to begin. It never came. Donny appointed his idiots friends in positions of power. Donny (or people really close to Donny i.e. Don Jr.) colluded with the Russians. Donny fired staffers and agency heads with reckless abandon. Donny trampled on diplomatic relations. Donny traded verbal jabs and threatened nuclear war with North Korea. Donny spent more time on the golf course than he did in the oval office. He real live spent most of his days in office, that weren’t spent golfing, trying to undo everything Obama did in two terms. Donald John Trump pardoned fucking Sheriff Joe Arpaio. I gave up hope. Hopefully 3 years from now there’ll be somebody else taking office not named Donald Trump or Mike Pence.

Astrological signs

Hi, I’m Jean DeGrate. I’m a Capricorn and I have selectively unlimited data plan so if you see me being active on social media but not responding to your text blame Sprint. I enjoy short walks to the fridge and lifting heavy shit up then putting it back down. If I had a Tinder account I’m pretty sure this would be my bio. I don’t celebrate my astrological sign. I don’t post Capricorn season memes. I don’t read my horoscope (unless I’m on the train and my cellphone service is shaky and in that case I read all the horoscopes via the newspaper). I don’t believe that my father hit it raw in March was the deciding factor on who I became as a person. I’ve legit told several people my sign was other shit than it was and all they said in return is “You’re totally a Sagittarius” or whatever sign that rolled off my tongue at the time. So in the 2018 I’m not even going to answer that question. I’m going Marshawn Lynch with the Seahawks on these people…
Her – What’s your sign?
JD – Thank you for asking. I’m just here so I don’t get fined.

Giving unwarranted advice to vagina owners

I’m accustomed to people coming to me for advice; so much so that if a person starts telling me a story I’m already waiting to tell them how they fucked up. I’m so serious; people that I don’t know at all reach out to me via social media to get my take on their personally experiences. Have you seen the shit I post on social media? How did I become the voice of reason? Lord knows, but I’m here now. Anyway I’ve been doling out advice all over the place to women that didn’t ask for it. They’d call me to vent and I’d politely interject with all my sage like wisdom. They’ll listen to me, extra engaged with all nods in agreement and shit. They’re here for it. Then the conversation will end and they’ll go back to doing whatever dumb shit they were already planning to do. Fast forward a few days, a few weeks, a few months and I’ll witness the ruin of them marching to their own beat whilst failing to adhere to my counsel. The funny thing is they’re on the path they were always meant to be on and while I’m sitting there mad that they didn’t listen like what they eat makes me shit. A classic example of me giving a fuck when it ain’t my turn to give a fuck.

Giving business to struggle establishments and complaining about the service

You ever wonder why people praise the service at Chick Fil A so much? I do. People aren’t used to getting top tier service in fast food establishments. I go to the drive-thru at Wendy’s and they put onions and pickles on my burger after I specifically told them no onions 3 times then I flip out about it when I get home? For the fuck what? I’m just going to scrap the onions off and pick off the pickles then eat my burger. I go to my neighborhood Shoe City and the 16 year old pimple faced kid goes to get the shoes then never comes back and now I want to talk to the manager? Why? Should I make a fuss and try to get this kid fired from a job I wouldn’t do? I know where I am. I know what to expect. I know what they are paying the employees. Nobody is retiring from these spots.

I’m on a new level
Jean DeGrate is over all that other shit

I know you think it’s a thing but it’s not really a thing

Since a new year has begun we have to let some things die. I mean it’s some things that used to be a thing but times have changed and it’s not a thing anymore. You can die on these hills if you like but chances are you’ll be dying alone. So let’s just get right into it…

Relationship things

I know I’ve said this before but I feel like I can stand to say it again and then a few more times after that. There’s no such thing as relationship things. Things that were taboo outside of a relationship 10, 15, 20 years ago are commonplace now. Without a title everything is just friends with benefits (and most of you are probably not even friends). Those sleepovers, dates and Christmas gifts still doesn’t equate to a relationship until an agreement is reached. So for the record…
You met their kids… not a relationship thing
You met their parents… not a relationship thing
You’re their emergency contact… not a relationship thing
You get my drift right? Good. Moving on.

Chivalry

I’m sorry but chivalry is no longer a thing. You can’t be anti-sexism and pro-chivalry because to be chivalrous is to be sexist. Equality really killed chivalry and the millennials aren’t carrying the antiquated lopsided torch of the generations passed. The fire hasn't completely died out but it's fading fast.

Owning a car

Unless you live in the distant country of Waldorf you probably don’t really need a car. Most urban areas have Uber and Lyft and cabs and subways and shit. You can literally Uber everywhere. Especially since on average 90% of the time you own your car it's parked, that's probably a waste of money, unless of course you work for Uber.
 

Being well traveled

100 years ago being well traveled was a thing and it was reserved for those who had serious wealth. Traveling 25 miles outside of where you were born was a feat and chances are if you did that you were never coming back. Today you can get a flight on JetBlue for the price of a pair of Jordan’s and be a 1000 miles away from home before dinner time. It’s 2018 the only people that aren’t well traveled are the homeless and the people that have decided not to. The same people that were Ponzi scheming their friends to flip $20 into $160 are the same people that will be on South Beach on Memorial Day weekend. Sorry but shut up about your passport stamps and enjoy your vacations. Post your pictures and leave out all the pseudo stunting because you ain't doing shit.

Using weed

Weed is the new alcohol. Everybody is doing it. Old people, young people, white people, black people, blue people; everybody is doing it with the exception of Mike Pence and Jeff Sessions. If you see somebody with a blunt hanging off their lips in an Instagram pic it’s no different than you posting a picture of your 5th of Hennessey. Don’t be that person. It’s legal now and the safety stats favor marijuana over your cocktail of choice.

That shit over fam. Fight me.
Jean DeGrate has spoken