Sunday, December 6, 2015

Why MOST Men under 30 Low Key Suck At Courting

Well high key suck actually

Court – to be involved romantically, typically with the intention of marrying.

You know building a life together and shit.

Now young men folk are great at dating; the MVP’s of that shit. Nobody can send good morning text messages with several emojis like these late 80’s and earlier 90’s babies. Nobody can slide into those DM’s like these social media savvy guys. Nobody can fake listen and act like we are legitimately interested in the shit that fascinates you like these dudes that post 5 selfies on IG a week. Nobody is more in the know of the new hot spots, bars and lounges than these vape pen carrying hookah smoking hipsters. Nope. When it comes to dating they are undefeated.

Now for all that courting shit, men on the underside of 30 stay fucking that up and here’s why…

He ain’t got no type
Bad bitches are the only things that he likes. As many times as I say a female’s dating criteria is written in pencil a man under 30 dating criteria doesn’t actually exist. You don’t believe me? Ask the guy you’re casually dating what he likes about you and prep yourself for an awkward pause followed by several generic accolades i.e. “You’re cool as shit”. Most of us men have a “No” list, like “no I won’t date her if she has 5 kids and 6 baby daddies” or “no I won’t date her if she’s homeless”. I might be down playing the vagueness of the “No” list but all men have one and that shit is ageless. Now honestly these guys don’t have a type so if they find you attractive and you seem cool you’ve already reached 95% of the needed criteria. Add that in with the first goal being sex and getting into a fruitful relationship is a very distant second makes them optimal causal daters and piss poor at courting. Not having a type is terrible for long term dating because without some sort of set parameters they can’t even begin to gauge how a woman will fit into their lives. Conflicting philosophies, different religions, varying life goals and even unalike dietary practices are things that can be grazed over in causal dating but can be the basis for failure during genuine courtship. I mean just imagine if she goes to the grocery store any bring back a fridge full of vegan bacon, veggie burgers and soy milk, but your nutrition regiment requires something to die so you can live.

It’s really all for you
And “for you” I mean for women. Chivalry is dead. Equality and women that don’t say thank you when you give them your seat on the subway killed that, but men are very much still in the business of pleasing women, all women; it’s almost instinctual. That guy that held the door for you at the mall on Black Friday even though you were 12 yards away from the entrance? He didn’t do that for you in particular; he did it for all women. That’s what he’s programmed to do. Yes, men are programmed to stand around holding open doors for random women. That’s not all, cologne, haircuts, clean clothes, the box office success of Twilight and Tyler Perry movies, Berry Ciroc sales and luxury automobiles are strictly for the benefit of women. Men are and always have been in the profession of trying to make women like them and turn it up as need be for the purpose of wooing without any long term goals.

Younger men are chameleons
Young men change with the trends of whatever women are into, but only during that phase in a man’s life before he starts buying clothes just not to be naked. Look up the hashtag #MCM on Instagram and every 3rd dude has a beard accompanied with some sort of fade haircut from the 90’s because that’s what women are into right now. Before this it was close cuts, goatees, wearing Beats headphones like an accessory and personality glasses. Before that it was dreds (my golden era). It’s a lot of men that pick up on these style cues and follow these favorable trends. He’s on his IG with his joggers, long t-shirt with zippers on the sides and Giuseppe’s looking like Future but 3 years ago he was wearing Jordan’s and premium denim. Our surface level sense of style and grooming aesthetic is up for modification to remain appealing to the fairer sex.

See the problem here is this…
While women often start planning out forever, marriage and kids without the presence of a possible suitor around the same age they start playing with Barbie; men don’t develop the emotional farsightedness to see further beyond seeing you naked until much later in life. Young men put so much effort into being the man for you (well, a man you’d potentially sleep with) they fail to see if you’re the women for them. They often wake up next to strangers they’ve dated for months. He’ll know the basics like your favorite restaurant and not to text or call during Love & Hip Hop but he doesn’t know if he really likes you as a person. Finding long term compatibility is a shot in the dark but she phat ass shit though and that will work for right now.

Dating All Stars and courtship novices
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, November 16, 2015

Why Black Twitter salary discussions don’t matter in real life

Hold let me turn on my mood music… *queues up Future’s “Fuck up some commas”*

You’re probably poor. Blog over. Now stop tweeting about it.

Okay you need a bit more than that. Cool. I’ll play along.

First just the facts

The median income in the United States of America is about 27k a year (or 135 $200 dates or 1,228 2 for $22 at Friday’s), so most of you motherfuckers only make $13 an hour. That means the $15 an hour “working wage” people are pushing for is about 3k more than what the average person is making right now. The average household income is 50k and 2 thirds of Americans make less than 42k a year. But guess what? Black people on average are making less than that (even with us colored folks dominating the NFL and the NBA); yes, black households only average around 35k. Unless you’re secretly flipping bricks and trapping out the bando while avoiding the IRS; the odds, the stats and the Man, that’s keeping you down, all say you’re poor (or at least a 2 out of 3 chance that you’re poor).

Women date broke men on a regular basis

A woman’s dating criteria more times than not is subjective at best and that’s a reach. If you listen to the average black woman’s type of 6 feet plus, bearded, tattooed, 1 or no kids, own car, own home and making an excess of 100k you know most men aren’t making the cut. If any of that held true myself and a lot of 5’11 and under brothers would be forever alone. Let’s keep it 100 though MOST women’s conditions are written in dry erase marker. Right now it’s a chick reading this on her cell phone riding the train into work because her unemployed, 5’7, baby faced boyfriend needed her car today to “run errands”. Two years ago “Netflix and chill” wasn’t even a thing now it’s the go to move. Binge watching OITNB while eating take-out from Outback and he doesn’t need to drive as long as he puts something on that Uber for the ride there and back. Prove me wrong and retweet this blog if you never let a broke nigga camp out in your pussy in your adult life.

You’re against the living wage

It’s crazy stupid funny how many average ass people are AGAINST the living wage. Do you think the prices at Walmart are going to sky rocket and that multi flavor 30 pack of Top Ramen is going to be $3 over the $2.50 you’re used to paying? I promise you implementing the living wage won’t eliminate the dollar menu at McDonald’s. It’s a 99% chance it won’t affect your life at all if you make more than $15 an hour currently. I would jump into the math of how it’s actually better for the economy and your taxes but I’ll save that shit for another blog. See the real reason you don’t want the living wage is you don’t want Daquan at Arby’s driving the same 08 Impala as you. Chances are you’re an old… “See, I’m washing lettuce. Soon, I’ll be on the fries, then the grill. In a year or two, I’ll make assistant manager and that’s where the big bucks start rolling in.” ass nigga and you don’t want to see anybody come up too fast shining on you. By the way that’s a “Coming to America” quote for all you 90’s baby. Plus if they up minimum wage how you going to tell another person to act their wage when you only making $2 more?

You give way too many fucks about how other people spend their money

Seriously you give way too many fucks and this is probably because you’re not balling. Sallie Mae trying to get that loan money off you. Eastern Motors wants every bit of that 38% financing on that 08 Impala with 200k miles on the dash. Child support got your check looking humble like you’ve been flipping burgers part-time instead of putting in 40 hours at your desk job. No matter the reason you’re so opinionated about how people spend money that didn’t come out of your pocket that you take it to social media and rant about people buying Jordan’s, weaves, iPhones and whatever shit is popping on the timeline. You make stupid comparisons like “if niggas wasn’t buying hover boards you’d have cars” like a hands free scooter is the same price as a Camry. Let these people buy the H&M x Balmain line in peace.

Twitpic your W-2 or shut the fuck up
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Me, Religion and Zack Morris

I was watching last night’s episodes of “Truth Be Told” you know (wishfully thinking but most likely you don’t know), its the new Zack Morris sitcom on NBC in the doomed Friday night slot when all the people that might watch this show are out doing way cooler shit. It’s not the best show but it’s not the worst show and I like Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack Morris) and Tone Bell (a sitcom regular black guy with a beard). I’m 100% sure the show will be canceled shortly and 2000% sure it will never see a second season. Anyway last night’s episode was touching on religion or basically Zack Morris character’s preference to not raise his daughter with religion. Shocking isn’t it? TV taboo even.

Funny thing about it is… that’s my exact take on parenting and religion but, exclusively for children that used to live in my balls. I am not the “push my ideology on everybody else” type of guy. And no I’m not I’m an atheist or an agnostic (there is a difference), I’m Catholic but all the same there is no Santa or Jesus in the DeGrate household (minus my Jesus pieces and rosary beads and crosses). Until last week I thought the tooth fairy was still holding it down for me but Madi told me randomly “I know you’re the tooth fairy; I know you’re giving me money, I’ve always known.” Before you question me on letting the tooth fairy have her shine but no Jesus or Santa; the tooth fairy actually serves a purpose and those other guys not so much. How else am I going to get a 5 year old to allow me to snatch a tooth out of her head without the false belief of some mythical Tinkerbelle like creature is going to give her money? Oh Ok then.

See the thing is this… I’m not 100% sure; fuck it I’m not even 35% sure I’d be religious if I wasn’t raised Catholic. As a child when I was too young to know any better they spoon fed me Jesus, the boogie man, Santa and the tooth fairy. As I got older they pull the rug on all the other shit but allowed Jesus to cook I guess because he died for my sins and all. So here I am 35 going on 36 praying to a guy (or guys and a spirit) that I’m not sure I’d have stock in if I would have discovered the faith today. Like imagine having no concept of religion and stumbling across a bible at your local Flea Market (because you hipsters love flea markets). You picked it up 99 cents because its leather bound and the pages are gold leafed and if nothing else it will look cool sitting on your coffee table next to that piece of drift wood you picked up at Rehoboth beach last summer. Two days later your WiFi is down, there isn’t shit on TV and your cell service sucks in your apartment so you can’t even get on Twitter and there is the bible staring you in the face. (This shit is about to get real blasphemous so all my die hard bible fans and Jesus freaks it’s time to tune out.) “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God”… How Sway and what the fuck does that even mean? Let’s say you skip all that and go to the dope stories like the Tower of Babel when the people were building a tower to heaven which seems mighty improbably since outer space exist an air gets very thin at extreme heights. Or how about Noah’s ark when they put two of each animal (predator and prey) on a boat and nobody ate anybody for 40 days and 40 nights; plus do you know how big a boat would have to be to fit two of each animal. Mad logistical flaws in these bible stories b; it could be the centuries separating the "word of God" and modern science, but as a grown-up it would be hard to swallow. Then we have all the savage shit that we just politely skip over in the bible like all that God sanctioned rape, murder and slavery. What type of God is pro-slavery and anti-shrimp? Shrimp is wonderful and slavery has been time tested as a rather shitty practice. I mean some people are allergic to shellfish but everybody is allergic to being whipped into submission as a slave.

As an adult I have a difficult time sorting through what should be applied to life and what shouldn’t be. I mean are women second class citizens or nah? In my times of need I just ask for guidance over turning to the good book. So how do I deliver this convoluted labyrinth of “religion” to my child? Instead I just install sound morals in my child and leave Jesus out of it. I leave that to her in adulthood to choose the path that was force upon me.

Maybe this isn’t so much Zack Morris and more me, Madi and religion
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Too “Good” for a Man

About a month ago some article from some arbitrary blog site rehashed some stats from a Forbes article from 2013 stating how single women outnumber single men greatly. Unfortunately for women the stats still hold true because in my city alone (DC) single women outnumber single men something like 17 to 1 (65k more single women than men), but Philly, NYC, Boston and Atlanta are in the same boat. Pretty much if you’re on the east coast and own a vagina its slim pickings. They again these are just stats and you’re a “Good” woman so you’ll rise above the rest right?

The price of pussy is on the decline
I’m not saying this because girls like me a little bit and I’m blindly fooled into thinking everybody is just at privileged as I am. Nope. The price of the brick has gone down. We can blame market saturation (which directly reflects to the first paragraph). We can blame it on social media. We can blame it on chivalry slowly dying out. We can blame it on the price of tea in China but sex is much easier to get than it once was. As the things that were once considered taboo are now general practice and acts that would once classify a woman as a hoe are waning; all the hoops us men folks used to have to jump through for sex have greatly downsized. Once upon a time men used to have to go outside and attempt to spark up conversations with complete strangers in order to get dates. Those days are so far behind us to the point they have a “new” name for trying to speak to and/or compliment women you don’t know, it’s called “street harassment”.

Other women are fucking up the game for you because you’re too good
Things that you aren’t willing to do for a man or deal with from a man because you’re too good (or whatever reason you have cooked up to place yourself above certain things), there’s a woman your parallel willing do just those things. Threesomes? She’s here for that. Multiple kids by different women? She can deal with that. Take out Chinese food and Netflix “come over and chill” dates? She’s cool with that because she’s more of a homebody anyway. Before you take me down this “Why would a man want a woman willing to deal with this that and the third” bullshit the better question is “why wouldn’t he”. Seriously, why wouldn’t he? Why wouldn’t he won’t nudes on demand? You don’t send those but the other women are. Why wouldn’t he a woman that’s down to come through and wash his clothes? You don’t because you don’t do wife things without a ring but the other women are doing it all the time. Why would he want to wait for some made up amount of dates/days before sex? You don’t have sex when you feel like it because you’ve place set rules before you can allow a man to have you but the other women don’t live by such limitations. So why would he settle for less from you when he can get more from your equivalent?

What you consider “good” doesn’t really translate as well as you think
I’ve said this a few times before but it can stand to be restated a few more times (or every day of my life), but all the things that you may think that makes you a good woman doesn’t mean as much as it does to the men you’d like to date. Being independent is dope and all but that’s part of being a grown up and not as big as a selling point as women make it out to be. The same goes for living on your, maintaining a job, having good credit and owning a vehicle as need be. All grown up shit. Being a good mom is dope for your children but sticking “Kayla’s mom” in your Twitter and Instagram bios isn’t winning over as many guys as you may think. Your designer clothing might have all your homegirls jealous and just because your favorite rapper name drops “Celine” hangbags in his club banger and you happen to own 1 to guys it either means nothing to us or worst it means you’re high maintenance. Whilst you might perceive these attributes as something that is pushing you above the competition none of these things ultimately mean shit to us for the most part. Things that hold a bit more value are… How much of what makes you, you came out of a bottle, a bag of hair or from a surgeon’s scalpel? How much attitude are we going to have to deal with on a regular basis? Can you hold an hour long conversation that consists of more than celebs, reality TV and gossip about your “friends” and family? How crazy are you? How crazy is your baby daddy? Are you looking for a man or looking for a sponsor? Do you look good naked or is it all fancy camera angles and waist trainers keeping your allure up?

You don’t compete
You’re way more average than you’d like to believe. You’re not a star. You’re everyday people. Sorry. You’re not a queen and probably not a boss either. Your halfcocked get rich schemes don’t make you a hustler. There are a whole lot of women out here just like you. They dress like you. Make money like you. Drive the same Accord/Malibu/3 series BMW/C class Benz just like you. How can you afford not to make a move on something you like? How can you afford to not try a little harder to stay high on the radar of suitors that interest you? I mean it’s 17 of you for everyone of him. You’re too good for all that right? You’re a good woman and good women deserve to be chased, wined and dined by guys on their level.

What if I told you Prince Charming isn’t coming because the not too “Good” girls have him busy?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

The Concept of Marriage… Men Have it Right

I remember when my close friend Jason told me he got engaged, but first let me describe the closeness of our relationship. We go back to the 5th grade, playing basketball at recess. We’ve debated everything under the sun twice; from the existence of God to what rap label had the best hot streak (it was No Limit Records, don’t debate this). I know his parents and he knows mine. I’ve eaten dinner at his parents’ house countless times to the point that his father started cooking with me in mind. His little sister calls me her big brother. I was best man at his and his brother’s weddings. His daughter plays with my daughter. Yeah we’re that close, but like I was saying I remember when he told me he got engaged. He was in Delaware, where his now wife was living at the time, looking around in a jewelry store killing time and just like that he saw the ring he was going to propose with. See just in that moment he realized the girl that he was dating should be his wife. Just in that instant he recognized the need to be with her forever. Prior to that conversation we had never spoken about marriage.

We ascend to marriage naturally...
Wait I’m not saying that the way women go about marriage is unnatural, but that shit is peculiar as fuck. The current model of marriage for most women goes something like this…
A. Set dinner renovations for 2.
B. Show up to the restaurant alone.
C. Wait and hope someone joins you that meets your preset requirements.
I’m pretty decent with words and as convoluted as that premise may seem, that’s about as accurate as I can get (it literally took me 30 minutes to come with that 22 word analogy). Now, we men folk, take a much different route to marriage. We live our lives, chase a few dreams, accomplish a few goals and in-between it all that we date some. Out of that dating we might find love and out of that love we might decide to make the trip to Jared and marry that woman. Unlike our women counterparts the ideal of being married and being someone’s husband isn’t drummed into our heads. There is nothing taboo about being an unmarried 45 year old man (excluding being the old guy in the club, don’t be that guy). Marriage doesn’t exist to us until we have somebody we want to marry and not before.

Wanting to be married over wanting to get married...
Men don’t hold any preference in the pageantry of the ceremony or the engagement. We won’t be plastering IG with pictures of the diamond we got for you. Our tux is a rental along with the shoes and the cufflinks. When this day is over our wedding socks and boxer briefs will go into the laundry pile just like everything else and will soon be forgotten. All the spectacles on the path to saying “I do” is all for the women. We just want to be married and it doesn’t matter that much on how it all comes to be. There are no dream weddings for us. “Always a groomsman never a groom” – said no man ever in the history of matrimony. On the flipside, I know single women, and not that “if you’re not married you’re single” bullshit, but legitimately single women who spent the weekend cuddling up with Netflix and Talenti gelato that already selected songs to walk down the aisle too.

Marriage is a goal for women...
It’s hard wired into women that marriage is a goal. “Get my master’s by 25. Have my career off the ground by 26, 27 at the latest. Be a home owner by 28. Engaged by 29 and married by 31. First kid by 33 and second kid by 35; 1st a boy and then a girl. Visit Paris before turning 40.” A woman will look you in the eyes then lay down a timeline similar to that of her life goals and be dead fucking serious. How Sway? Trust me she doesn’t have the answers. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times women have told me “I expected to be married by now”. There is no mathematically equation or statistical analysis that leads them here. Nope. Women have been sold an imperfect and dated logic; the fairy tale of marriage. All the fairy tale movies Walt Disney has been dishing out, making little girls dream of being princesses and waiting around for Prince Charming to come and save them. Mothers giving daughters tip on how to be good wives. Even reality TV pushes the image of  marriage. Little boys don’t want to be princes they want to be wrestlers. Fathers and other male role models don’t push the idea of being a potentially good husband, they might tell you how to pick up some girls and promote condom use.

In your dreams of marriage does your groom have a face?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

When I decided to Hate Jay-Z...

So I’m siting at my desk reading this Complex article titled “Why Does Everybody Hate Jay-Z?”. If you follow Complex on Twitter or Facebook you already know 90% of their articles aren’t worth the energy used to click to open. Sorry Marc Ecko but your bullshit content over there is on 1000. I legitimately believe they spend more time cooking up click friendly titles than they do on the story following it. Fuck you Complex; unless ya’ll niggas hiring, because I can come up with some dope ass click friendly titles followed by 500 words of bullshit too. Fortunately this individual article wasn’t a steaming pile of shit that made me want to throw my cell phone down an open elevator shaft. Look at God. OK. Anyway even a garbage can gets a steak.

See Hov has been doing shit that has gotten under my skin for years but he’s like that homie you go way back with, so when he starts acting funny you just let that shit slide because you have history. I let it slide that the last time he did dope music was American Gangster in 2007. I let it slide that Kanye dogged him on Watch the Throne. I let it slide that the Blue Print 3 tour was ass. I was letting shit slide all over the place because that’s my man and you don’t turn your back on your folks like that.

Half way into the article it hits me like a bolt of lightning. I know exactly when I decided to hate Shawn Corey Carter, like down to the fucking second, well maybe not the second, but it was April 11th 2013. That’s when Jay-Z dropped the “Open Letter” song to respond about his controversial Cuba trip. Opening bar “I done turned Havana to Atlanta” and I just smacked my forehead saying “Nigga Please” out loud. Who the fuck does this Negro think he is? This wasn’t a 4.0 to 4.6 Range Rover comparison. How are you making rap songs about illegal vacations but danced around your committed relationship with your wife for fucking years nigga? It wasn’t even full-fledged hate it yet it was soft-core hate in the way people Mondays; it had a lot of growing to do and had to be fed to flourish.

Boy oh boy did Shawn feed it. 3 months later he dropped Magna Carta Holy Grail and it had me all hype doing the Birdman Hand rub as I illegally downloaded it from the Share Beast. This was that new exclusive Samsung hotness. Corporate America already gave this man 5 million without even a single. Nope nigga, you let me down again; more Shawn telling us how rich he was but this time he didn’t have Kanye to save him like he did on Watch the Throne. Then to add insult to injury the dopest track on the entire album was Beach is Better and it’s was 56 seconds long. Really Shawn? To this date I still can’t find the correlation between wearing Tom Ford and not using MDMA (Molly). Then the Barney’s shit followed up as soon as the summer ended only to see you Euro Step the controversy to get your Jay-Z Collection on their shelves. That was 2 years ago and you’re still feeding the hate today. Like when you took to twitter with the hash tag #TidalForAll to calm the negative press around your pointless streaming company, when Baltimore was literally on fire and we were just trying to get Justice for All. For a dude that rarely ever tweets you picked the best time to go on a Twitter rant. I understand you’re a business man and you’re about your business but you be on some other shit.

Yep the hate is real.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Don’t Tell Them

“Don't tell 'em. You don't even. You don't even gotta tell 'em. Don’t tell ‘em.” – The great urban poet Jeremih.

I remember when I was a child and an assortment of silly fucking grown-ups told me that “honesty is the best policy” on a regular basis. Truthfully speaking those conversations often ended with a belt landing on my backside. Those were the good old days when you could still beat your kids and not fear prison and/or Child Protective Services showing up at your front door. None of that has anything to do with this blog I just took a quick trip down memory lane. Anyway life has shown me sometimes honesty is not always the best policy; especially when it comes to your past relationship exploits. Honesty has its place but when you’re dealing with affairs of the heart the truth just might set you free and leave you lonely. All the wrong shit and some of the right shit you’ve done should be avoided in conversation at all cost. I’m not saying lie, but yeah go right ahead and lie.

Texts from exes
It’s hard to believe, but for most cordial and even genuinely friendly PLATONIC relationships with former flames actually exist in real life. And no, not just on white network television sitcoms. And no, one or more parties for the aforementioned relationship has turned to same sex dating. If you’re one of the lucky people to still be on good terms with an ex you might want to keep those text messages on the low. Some real innocent shit with 1 too many emojis attached can mean something downright out of pocket to your current significant other. Just make sure you keep everything on the up and up if the text thread ever sees the light of day.

Your best sex
If Tyrone used to make your left thigh shake just thinking about it; keep that shit to yourself. If Keisha once sucked the soul of you, and you hopped up then took her shopping immediately afterward; nobody needs to know about that, specifically your current love interest. If they ask you about who put it on you in the past you reply swiftly “Ain't nobody kiss it like you” and change subjects, FAST.

You’ve cheated
Unless your current main piece used to be your side piece or you got some sideline babies running around these streets, there is no good reason under the sun to bring up your past infidelity issues. If your cheating days are behind you bringing them up in current relationship won’t aid in alleviating any worries in your new relationship. Would you trust a kleptomaniac as your maid? Then you probably wouldn't trust an admitted cheater with your heart and that’s exactly how your new romantic interest is going to view you. That knowledge will plant seeds that will grow into full out suspicion over every unanswered called, unreturned text message and every reason to get stuck at the office. When she sitting Indian style at the front door waiting for you to walk in and then asks to smell your dick just know you did this to yourself.

What you did for your Ex
I’m not a jealous dude. I’m not even the type to be in competition with another dude. My ego isn’t set up like that but the idea of girl holding down some other dude and she’s not trying to do the same for me will drive me insane. “Fuck you mean you not taking off to wait for the cable man? You took off to go to some loser ass repeat offender niggas court trial but you won’t sit in here so I can get HBO? You better call in sick or something. Let me walk about in the house and this cable don’t be on.” Maybe when you did what you did for your ex you were in a different place. A little more gullible, a little less able to prioritize with or own things, or you just don’t feel the same about you current love interest as you have felt the love before them.

Things that your ex did and he/she doesn't
Keisha paid your back child support, put a cellphone in your name until you paid Sprint what you owed and used give you the best head any time you even looked like you had a tough day at work. Keisha was an angel. Guess what though? You & Keisha are done. Same thing goes for Jamal. It doesn't matter how much your mother loves him because he shoveled her snow every winter. It doesn't matter how much money he gave towards your house bills and never even asked for a key. It doesn't matter if he treated you son like his own because you two are done. Don’t try to use any of the things to motivate your current love interest to do anything and damn sure don’t bring in up in an argument in an attempt to shame them. You already have lost Keisha & Jamal don’t lose Ashley & Mike and bring up old shit.

Seriously don’t tell them
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, April 2, 2015

A Second Chance… Anthony Stokes WTF

Two years ago Anthony Stokes received a heart transplant due to much controversy. See Anthony was a bit of a juvenile delinquent and at the age of 15 he had a criminal record along with numerous problems at school. I remember reading the article stating how he was originally dropped from the donors list because of his behavioral issues (which was code for “nigga you ain’t about to be shit”) and was deemed a waste.  When I read the article I was heated, but this was after activist had already came in and saved the day without creating a hash tag movement, so my opportunity to speak out on the situation had already passed. I was still upset, in my eyes it was unjust and this was without pulling the race card. How could you possibly deny a CHILD a chance at life? Where was the moral ethics at Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta? How do you tell a parent “We would save your child’s life but his conduct is kind of sketchy so we’re just going to skip over him on the list”? I wanted heads to roll, I wanted people fired, but then I realized he got the transplant and I’m just a sometimes blogger, so maybe I should just relax.

This might be a bit redundant but Anthony Stokes what the fuck dude?

If you haven’t read the articles about this young man let me catch you… In 2013 he was happy to have a second chance at life and intended to clean up his act. He wanted to finish high school and attend college then go on to start his own computer business. He forgave the hospital staff for judging his character, because God says forgives, and he promised to stay out of trouble. Yeah, people often find God when facing hardships, especially death. Ok fast forward to Tuesday (March 31st). Anthony Stokes is dead. He crashed a stolen car into a pole during a police chase. He was 17. On his way out with a bang (for lack of a better word), in the midst of a home invasion gone wrong he shot the resident of the house and hit a pedestrian prior to the crash that ended his life. Aside for that his Facebook account is littered with images of him holding guns, wads of cash and smoking weed; so the writing was on the wall.

Second chances

I’m all for second chances, and third chances, and fourth chances; EXCLUDING instances that are life effecting. I don’t know who else was in need of the heart that Anthony received. See when I read the original story I had an glass half full point of view and I expected him to turn it all around; I also didn’t put any thought into who would die so he could live. I’m pretty sure it was another candidate on the list that wasn’t a criminal to say the least. I’m pretty sure that there were several other candidates that would have truly cherished a second chance at life. The doctors were playing God when they decided not to give Anthony a chance but isn’t that what doctors are paid to do? Sure we can all say nobody could have known how this would play out, but be honest we had a pretty good idea. Would you choose Anthony for a heart over your law abiding daughter or next door neighbor or the teenager that always remembers your coffee order at the Starbucks across the street from your office just because his name was next on the list?

What’s a human life worth?

Sure the Declaration of Independence says “All men are created equal” but this was written by a bunch of slave owners so I’m not sure how much faith they had in the statement. The truth is we aren’t equals. Some of us are assets to society and our fellow man and some of us are drains on society and are the reason why car alarms exist. No matter what type of person you, I or anybody else would like to think we are, what we are is a sum of our actions. Anthony was a juvenile delinquent at the time he was passed over by Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta. He lived up to what he was considered to be and inflicted harm on others prior to his own death. Anthony didn’t just lose his life his lost the life of the child that went without.

I hate it when we live up to what “they” think about us
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Nah Hov Tidal seems real LAME

Yesterday or the day before Jay-Z and his talented super friends dropped what they might have thought was the best thing to happen to music since the iPod but is more like shining up the same old shit then adding a price tag to it. But fuck the long prologue and let’s just get in to it.

Side note but I’m currently listening to “Watch the Throne” which I illegally downloaded the day it came out #ThugLife.

Nobody asked for this

At least once a week I read or hear somebody asking when is Andre 3000 going to drop a solo project. At least once a month people are still on the lookout for a Jay Electronica album. Shit I can name 20 people I personally know that still have hope in the Detox ever seeing the light of day. You know what I never hear? You know what people never ask for? The ability to stream lossless music files. Fuck the fact that average FLAC file is about 100mb and streaming it over your 10gb data plan with allow you about 45 minutes of music a month. How many of you actually knew what lossless music was prior to Monday? Ok here’s an even better question if you are listening to a lossless version of “Niggas in Paris” through your Beat by Dre headphones could you even tell? My guess is no, because I’m listening right now (via a download, not streaming) and I can’t tell the fucking difference after 3 playbacks the shit sounded the same.

Music is FREE and nothing is exclusive

Music is so free it’s actually harder to buy music than it is to “illegally” download it. Remember when the Magna Carta dropped via that Jay-Z app at midnight for Samsung phone owners only? Yeah I literally had it on my Drop Box drive at 12:05am EST and on my HTC phone and PS3 by 12:07am EST. The exclusivity of the app didn’t even last long enough to make it to the 4th track. That was 2 years ago if it dropped tonight I’d probably have it by 12:01am if my internet connection is slow. So with that tidbit of knowledge and the fact that 99% of all recorded music is literally keystrokes away at any giving moment and FREE why would John Q Public pay you for it? And for the exclusive video content you can YouTube Netflix original content right now. If Netflix can’t keep its exclusive content from escaping to the regular net how is Tidal going to keep behind the scenes footage of Alicia Keys at the Grammy’s safe?

Pandora and Spotify exist and are doing pretty well

I don’t stream music. Even with my unlimited data plan I don’t stream music. I don’t like commercials. I don’t like surprises in my playlist. I like to have total control of my music so I’m only listening to music from my digital library. This clearly sets me aside for the average Joe because every other person in my office is streaming for FREE. That 30 second Spotify commercial doesn’t even faze them neither does running into a track they might exactly fancy because they won’t pay to skip it they’ll just suffer thru it. A commercial break every 5 songs isn’t a deal breaker and certainly does not validate a $9.99 monthly charge.

We don’t care if “artists” aren’t getting their money

The Beyhive is huge. If you sneak diss Beyoncé online they will swarm into your Twitter mentions and make you consider deactivating your account. An artist my think that kind of love can be transformed into dollars and yeah that’s true, if you’re on tour because we can’t bootleg concerts. See being on online terrorist to people that don’t feel the same about our favorite artist is free love and we are all about FREE love like it’s Woodstock. So if Pandora isn’t giving artist their fair share of profits for the usage of material that’s something for that artist to take up with legal office at Pandora. We don’t care. We see the artists as rich, even if they aren’t rich like Ryan Leslie. From the consumer stand point our free music vs paying for music isn’t going to stop you from getting that new Maybach. Plus Kanye has thousand dollar Lavin T-shirts with no logos and Jay-Z has a Basquiat to look at while he’s peeing so yeah we won’t be adding to excess without good reason.

Good Luck but ain’t nobody fucking with Tidal
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Four Questions Men Need to Stop Asking

Men are famous for asking questions that never result in straight forward answers and more times than not annoy the woman being questioned. Being that women often don’t voice their disgust clearly with men during the courtship phase these following questions have landed several men on the "Do Not Answer" list or comfortably in the friend zone without any explanation. Asking any of these questions will not only do more harm than good you won't gain any insight.

Why are you single?

Honestly bro how do you think she’s going to answer this? Let me think… Ok I got something. “I’m single because I’ve just been focused on my career/kids/spirituality/school and haven’t really had the chance to meet anybody.” This response is going to be 98% bullshit. The more realistic answers go more like this…

“I was dyking for the last 3 years.” That temporary lesbian pit stop is getting more popular by the day.

“I’ve been fucking my baby father and hanging on to the hope that we might get back together.”

“I’m completely insane and once men figure it out they leave me faster than the starting line at the Boston marathon.”

“I only date men that buy me expensive things; I mean that can bring something to the table.”

“I just haven’t met anyone because I don’t know what the hell I really want.”

No grown woman is ever going to be that up front with you and you’ll come off as just another dude asking the same generic ass questions.

Do you like it? (During sex or immediately after sex or ever referring to sex)

Funny thing is up until recently I didn’t know this was a thing grown men did. I mean I'd understand if you’re 16 or 17, just learning your way around the female body and trying to hone your craft; it’s perfectly OK to seek out a few pointers. If you’re 21 and over you need to at least pretend to be confident in your stroke game and pay extra close attention to her body cues. The moment you open your mouth to get a critique on your bedroom performance is the moment you become a weak ass nigga. Seriously bro don’t ask her. If you think your game was lacking take it to pornhub, google some Karma Sutra moves or start eating that booty like groceries. Just don’t ask her. Ok. Ok. If you’ve got her screaming into the pillow while destroying the pussy from behind and you yell out “You like that, huh you like that” rhetorically that’s fine but that is the ONLY exception.

How many men have you been with?

Besides coming off like a total lame; she’s not going to tell you the truth if the numbers are higher than she’d like them to be. If she 6 boyfriends but has 34 bodies under her belt at 29 she’s not telling you that shit man. In this day, in this age almost every woman has a body or 9 over your comfort level. Unless you’re willing to go that Tyga route and get them while they still have recess and detention; you can expect some wear and tear. If you want to know something real about her sexual past ask her if she ever ate ass. Imagining her sucking so dude's hairy asshole; that’s a real deal breaker. Who really cares if she had a one night stand in Miami last Memorial Day weekend?

What do you like in a man?

Chances are this question won’t get you dropped into the friend zone or land you on the blocked list but it will give you an impracticable expectation to live up too. Asking a woman what she likes in a man is like giving a 5 year old boy a pen and pad then telling him to design his ideal toy. All the dope things that couldn’t possible co-exist in a single human being will be nicely packaged into this dream man she’s going to lay out for you. Now the funny thing about a woman’s criteria is it’s etched in stone right up until the point she meets a guy she likes but he doesn’t meet her set standards, then all that shit goes out the window. She wants a tall man but her baby father is 5’7. She wants a book smart and street smart guy but has never dated a man with a college degree. She wants a guy that eats healthy but her last boyfriend fed her so much pizza she thought she was a Ninja Turtle.

Do yourself a favor and don’t ask her bro
Jean Degrate has spoken

Monday, March 16, 2015

We’re Not Taking the Blame for That

Somehow, some way “us” men catch a lot of heat for the woes of women for which we can’t be held directly accountable. I don’t know when it happened, but one day I was an adult, and I started catching beefs for things I’ve never participated in. “You men this” and “You men that” started being slung around quite frequently. As if there was some sort of Illuminati secret society of men making laws and breaking hearts that I had yet to be invited. I'm 35 now, and I nor anybody I know have been tapped for admission; therefore, I’ve determined we are not to blame.

We set beauty standards
"We" set unrealistic standards of beauty. "We” glorify body types that aren't within reach of the average woman. In spite of it all, "we've" done nothing to neither influence the female image, nor do we have anything to do with the way you feel about yourself. I can't remember not one brainstorming session at our monthly men's meeting where we ever set the standards of female beauty. Nope. Not a single fucking one. We never went over the importance of thigh gaps. Never touched on the need of ridiculously long eyelashes or painted on eyebrows. We never endorsed waist trainers. We didn't start the ass shot and boob job campaign, either. Last time I checked, women with small butts and tiny breasts were still being courted, still getting married, and still having kids. Rihanna has the build of a 12 year old, and guys are still actively checking for her. Aside from that, "us" men have individual preferences (as all people do) and they vary greatly; don’t tight cast us into whatever ideals Beyoncé is pitching you in her latest Vogue spread.

Wasting your time
I’ve dated a lot of women. With that said, I’m prone to walk away when I see that shit isn’t about to pan out. I’m not the “stick around until we can’t stand each other” type. When I call the whole thing off, it doesn’t matter if it’s 2 dates or 30, I always get accused of wasting her time. I'm not the only guy that has been accused of wasting a female companion's precious time. It seems as if any relationship that doesn't end in happily ever after is considered a waste of time. How so? How? Did you have other plans from which your latest suitor held you? Were you painting the town red night after night before he came along? Chances are when a man comes along that starts to hold your attention, it’s likely that you weren’t doing anything of note besides live tweeting Scandal on Thursday nights. This shit doesn’t always end in marriage every time boy meets girl. It’s not a waste of time; it’s the way life goes. Kiss a few frogs until you find your prince because Lord knows every nigga you handed the pussy to wasn't in the running to be your husband.

Past men that hurt you
Carry your baggage until you are ready to put it down. Nobody sets the parameter on how long one should hurt because we all heal at our own pace. That’s right boo boo, you can be butt hurt as long as you need to be. Cool? Ok. I’m glad I got that out of the way. Now if you decide to hop off the bench and get back in the game before your feelings are intact you CAN’T blame that hurt on the new dudes you’re dating. Just because cheating ass Derek said he was running to the store, yet he was really fucking the bitch that lives two buildings down, you can’t spazz out when Jamal makes a liquor store run. Just because Tyrone borrowed half of your tax return to buy a QP of loud then you never saw him again, you can’t tell Jamal you don’t believe in loaning men money when he asked for $20 because he forgot to hit the ATM and the pizza man is outside. How is the pizza man going to get paid? When Pizza Hut stop delivering to your house how you going act? We are all different, but maybe, just maybe you're a bad judge of character.

Nah, you're grown and make decisions on your own.
Jean Degrate speaking for all men has spoken

Monday, March 9, 2015

Thirsty Guy Flow Chart

I actually made a flow chart but it wasn’t mobile phone friendly. I had to scrap it. Too hard to read and grasp the concept at that small of a scale. Ya’ll are just going to have to bear with me and let these words illustrate my points.

There are only 3 things you need to understand:

1. Repeatedly reaching out to you is FREE
If it cost men just 25 cents for every text, FB inbox, dick pic, DM and thirsty comment sent most of you women would never hear from us guys at all. But since it’s free it’s like “Why the fuck not?” Think of it as finding an unscratched scratch off lotto ticket on the ground. It’s well worth the effort to pick it up and take a nickel out of your purse to see if you found a winner, right? That same logic is applied to the thirsty nigga approach only this scratch off ticket has infinite places to scratch.

2. He got your hints
Every time you’ve curved a guy there is a 99% chance it crystal clear to him that you weren’t interested. His reply to you: “So, just because she doesn’t like me doesn’t mean stop trying” especially since it FREE. So when he asked to hangout and you never replied or replied “LOL” he got the hint. When he offered to eat your ass before even going out on a single date and you replied “Fuck no, go kill yourself” he got the hint. When he sent you the unrequested dick pic , you blocked him from every possible way he could contact you and he, in turn, made an entirely new FB account just to inbox you again, he got the hint.

3. Pride is not a factor
Women aren’t normally aggressors: So on that off chance a woman ends up being direct with a guy by expressing her interest and that results in a curve you can consider all forms of communication ended. Men, thirsty men in particular, don’t possess the same type of ego. Rejection is a part of life for a thirsty nigga. So, that screenshot you posted of him saying all the things he would like to do to you won’t stop his advances; furthermore , it won’t stop him from continuing to use this formula to gain the affections of other women. “Pride? What pride? She’s way too phat for me have pride. “

With that said, it’s them not you. You don’t have to re-evaluate yourself the next time a guy comes at your wrong. He’s just following thirsty nigga protocol and it has nothing to do with the way he views you.

Thirsty niggas, much like Kevin Gates, they don’t get tired

Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

How to Cheat

Because anything worth doing is worth doing well

Not that I’m a cheater and not that any of you care if I am or not but I felt the need to state it nonetheless. I’ve been trained by the Jedi masters of sleeping around. Nope, not some crew of super pimp player ass guys. I’ve been trained by the best that have ever done it; vagina owners. Nobody does it better. Chances are if your girl is cheating on you’ll never find out. Anyway, let me get this started.

1. Get a side piece that knows they are a side piece

One of the worst things you can do to yourself is trying to juggle two or more relationships and keeping everybody in the dark. YOU ARE GOING TO FUCK THIS UP. You’ll laugh before the joke because you’ve already seen the new Tyler Perry movie with your main chick. You’ll mix up dates. You’ll forget to move your side chick’s shampoo out of the shower and put back your main chick’s razor and body wash. “Donte, whose “Crème of Nature” shampoo is this?” At that moment you will know the jig the is up. You will sleep much better with a side piece that knows what it is. Plus you can say shit like “Be quiet for a second this is my girl calling I got to take this” and your side piece will actually shut up.

2. Safe sex

You can be the Floyd Mayweather of getting pussy on the side but when you bring that chlamydia home shit is going to get real and you’ll really wish you were Mayweather when she’s trying to take your head off with a baseball bat. It’s going to be a no brainer that you’ve been fucking around. Her last doctor’s appointment said everything was AOK and that was 3 months ago and she’s been letting you hit it raw for 9 months. Yep all arrows will point to you. On the bright side; setting your Jordan’s on fire and carving “cheater” into the hood of your 2008 Impala with a kitchen knife will make you a legend on Twitter and Instagram.

3. Leave that social media alone

All that liking and commenting on pictures is the fastest way to throw up a red flag; even if you aren’t doing shit but liking and commenting people always assuming those DM’s are doing the most. Just yesterday a female homie told me a dude she doesn’t KNOW AT ALL started following her on IG liked a few pictures and a few days later his girl was in her DM’s asking her if her dude was sleeping with her man. Now in this case this girlfriend is a bit over the top but your seemingly saner significant other is still paying attention and suspicion will lead to you getting caught up.

4. Cash is king

Swiping creates a paper trail that you can’t explain away; especially if it doesn’t correlate with the lie you already have in place. If you went to your brother’s house to help mount his TV and setup a new entertainment center then 1 beer turned into 12 and next thing you knew it’s 7am and you’re found sleeping on his couch with crust in your eyes and morning breath. That’s a very believable story, until your credit card statement comes next month with a $42.56 charge from the Waffle House at 12:57am.

5. You don’t “own” your side piece

Don’t catch feelings. Don’t get jealous. Don’t expect loyalty. You’re cheating and it’s a dirty game. If you see that your side piece Man Crush Monday is Andre that works at the Auto Zone on MLK you just got to keep on scrolling. If you happen to run into your side piece out on a date you got to act like you didn’t even see her. Don’t send that “WYD” text. Don’t be that guy. Your time together is your time together and your time apart is your time apart.

6. Don’t give all your free time to the side piece

Slipping away every chance you can, will get you caught. Canceled 3 of the last 4 date nights so you could be out in the streets with your sideline joint and your girl will notice. If you’re a “get off at 5pm and pressing the elevator button at 4:59pm” type of person you can’t suddenly become Mr. Company Man and start “working late” 3 nights a week. When the “Why don’t we go out anymore?” and the “How come you’re always working now?” questions come the shit is moments away from hitting the fan.  If you can’t stand being around your significant other that much it’s time to break up and just be free. Your side piece is a vacation home and should be treated as that; take your ass home sometimes.

7. No Pictures

As a child I learned never to take pictures with guns, drugs or side bitches. 25 years later it’s still valid. Don’t let her take no selfies in your car even if you’re not in the picture; remember your son’s car seat is. Matters of fact don’t let her take any selfies anywhere: not in your bedroom, not in your bathroom, not in your living room. Don’t even let her take pictures of her food for the Gram when you’re out with her; don’t nobody give a fuck about that jambalaya pasta from the Cheesecake Factory anyway. You don’t need a stockpile of nudes. She sent you a nude? Cool, look at it for 30 seconds then delete it. All that shit is evidence. You’re not making a memory book you’re having an affair. Be a fucking adult and stop making Kodak moments.

Now go off into the world and unfaithfully flourish
Jean DeGrate has spoken