Don’t Tell Them

“Don't tell 'em. You don't even. You don't even gotta tell 'em. Don’t tell ‘em.” – The great urban poet Jeremih.

I remember when I was a child and an assortment of silly fucking grown-ups told me that “honesty is the best policy” on a regular basis. Truthfully speaking those conversations often ended with a belt landing on my backside. Those were the good old days when you could still beat your kids and not fear prison and/or Child Protective Services showing up at your front door. None of that has anything to do with this blog I just took a quick trip down memory lane. Anyway life has shown me sometimes honesty is not always the best policy; especially when it comes to your past relationship exploits. Honesty has its place but when you’re dealing with affairs of the heart the truth just might set you free and leave you lonely. All the wrong shit and some of the right shit you’ve done should be avoided in conversation at all cost. I’m not saying lie, but yeah go right ahead and lie.

Texts from exes
It’s hard to believe, but for most cordial and even genuinely friendly PLATONIC relationships with former flames actually exist in real life. And no, not just on white network television sitcoms. And no, one or more parties for the aforementioned relationship has turned to same sex dating. If you’re one of the lucky people to still be on good terms with an ex you might want to keep those text messages on the low. Some real innocent shit with 1 too many emojis attached can mean something downright out of pocket to your current significant other. Just make sure you keep everything on the up and up if the text thread ever sees the light of day.

Your best sex
If Tyrone used to make your left thigh shake just thinking about it; keep that shit to yourself. If Keisha once sucked the soul of you, and you hopped up then took her shopping immediately afterward; nobody needs to know about that, specifically your current love interest. If they ask you about who put it on you in the past you reply swiftly “Ain't nobody kiss it like you” and change subjects, FAST.

You’ve cheated
Unless your current main piece used to be your side piece or you got some sideline babies running around these streets, there is no good reason under the sun to bring up your past infidelity issues. If your cheating days are behind you bringing them up in current relationship won’t aid in alleviating any worries in your new relationship. Would you trust a kleptomaniac as your maid? Then you probably wouldn't trust an admitted cheater with your heart and that’s exactly how your new romantic interest is going to view you. That knowledge will plant seeds that will grow into full out suspicion over every unanswered called, unreturned text message and every reason to get stuck at the office. When she sitting Indian style at the front door waiting for you to walk in and then asks to smell your dick just know you did this to yourself.

What you did for your Ex
I’m not a jealous dude. I’m not even the type to be in competition with another dude. My ego isn’t set up like that but the idea of girl holding down some other dude and she’s not trying to do the same for me will drive me insane. “Fuck you mean you not taking off to wait for the cable man? You took off to go to some loser ass repeat offender niggas court trial but you won’t sit in here so I can get HBO? You better call in sick or something. Let me walk about in the house and this cable don’t be on.” Maybe when you did what you did for your ex you were in a different place. A little more gullible, a little less able to prioritize with or own things, or you just don’t feel the same about you current love interest as you have felt the love before them.

Things that your ex did and he/she doesn't
Keisha paid your back child support, put a cellphone in your name until you paid Sprint what you owed and used give you the best head any time you even looked like you had a tough day at work. Keisha was an angel. Guess what though? You & Keisha are done. Same thing goes for Jamal. It doesn't matter how much your mother loves him because he shoveled her snow every winter. It doesn't matter how much money he gave towards your house bills and never even asked for a key. It doesn't matter if he treated you son like his own because you two are done. Don’t try to use any of the things to motivate your current love interest to do anything and damn sure don’t bring in up in an argument in an attempt to shame them. You already have lost Keisha & Jamal don’t lose Ashley & Mike and bring up old shit.

Seriously don’t tell them
Jean DeGrate has spoken