Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Let me clear the air…

…because it’s a few things on my chest this ain’t a blog more of a rant
First off let me touch on the “rapey” thing
Rapey (by my own personal definition which should suffice because the word doesn’t actually exist) – the use of aggressive tactics in order to stimulate sexual arousal
So for all the people that thought I was implying that a man actually rape a woman, that’s so not the case. Now if some dude thought I was giving the green light to rape a chick and goes with that I’ll be sure to write him during his prison stint.
Secondly when did “Fat” become a bad word?
It’s not a slang word the “mean kids” at the “cool table” came up with to describe the people who have large stomachs that cast shadows on their feet. By definition fat is having a body weight greater than what is considered desirable or advisable. For the record, I don’t have anything against fat people. My best friend is fat, I call him Fatz and not only does he answer to it; he has it tattooed on his arm. With that said if you’re fat and somebody calls you fat it’s not an insult it’s a fucking fact. If you stand at 5 feet 4 inches but you’re 165lbs plus chances are you are fat. People are getting to out of control with this politically correct non-bully dumb shit.
Third since we’re on this bully shit
I grew up in a different day and age when bullying actually meant another kid was taking your lunch money and smacking you around. Those days are gone; I guess they ended around the time kids started shooting up high school cafeterias and shit. I draw the line on bullying at physical contact. So if you kid comes home with a bloody nose because some kid that spent the last 3 years in the 6th grade wanted to try out some MMA moves on your seed, yeah that kid has been bullied. Now all this verbal and cyber bullying bullshit is crazy. If somebody called you a fag on their FaceBook status isn’t really a reason to get in an uproar. You know who you are, right? This new generation coming up will be a society of pussies. People that will buckle under strong criticism and name calling aren’t the future I have envisioned. I tell at least one person a day to “eat a dick” if I find out one of these people went home and swallowed a bottle full of prescription grade pain killers I’m going to think “welp” and no additional fucks will be given.
Fourth all of you “God has greater plans for me” people
Lots of people live and die ordinary lives. You’re probably no different. If you life sucks and you’re looking up to the almighty for a ray of light by telling yourself “God isn’t done with me yet”, I only have one question. How the fuck do you know? Ninety percent of your current living situation has to do with the choices you’ve made in your life thus far. It might have been part of God’s plan for you to tell your boss what you didn’t come to work to do and get fired. It might have been part of God’s plan for you to crank 2 and 3 kids you can’t afford to support. It might have been part of God’s plan for you to skip all those days in high school to graduate with 1.3 GPA. It might have been part of God’s plan for you to hit a roller raw and now she’s taxing your pockets for that child support. Maybe God does have greater plans for you; maybe you’ll be the person to get hit by a drunk driver that causes the laws about driving intoxicated to change. Congratulations you’re going to change the world.
Pay me no mind I’m just a dude with internet access
Jean DeGrate is ranting

Are You the Only One in Love?

 “And, I hear your words that I made up. You say my name like there could be an “us”. I best tidy up my head. I'm the only one in love. I'm the only one in love” - Adele 

Ok, “love” is a strong word and gets thrown around rather recklessly. I love lamp. See what I just did? I don’t give two fucks about lamp, but you see how easy it was for me to express my false love for it. So let’s go with “like”; yeah “like” works much better for me. Are you the only one in “like”? 

Okay I'm putting on my serious face now.

And I hear your words that I made up…
In the last 45 days or so a slew of women have made it more than clear that they believed they were in the frontrunner position for a possible relationship with me. “Whoa there, how ever did you come to that assumption, ma’am?” I didn’t actually ask that, but I thought it. I also thought… “When did I give her, her, and her the idea that they were up next?” Could it have been the all those in-the-house, after-dark dates? Maybe that once a week 15 minute check-in phone call really had her thinking I was giving it my all. No, it wasn’t any of that because I know what I said. I didn’t sell her any dreams; I only wanted to chill. And, by “chill”, I mean hang out and get the cheeks from time to time. Then, it hit me that women hear what they want to hear (cues Adele “And I hear your words that I made up”) literally. 

Do you justify his signs of low interest?
I’m a douche bag. My mother knows I’m a douche bag. Even my 4-year-old daughter knows I’m a douche bag. But, I’m genuine. If I fuck with you, there isn’t any guesswork. I don’t hide my feelings under my douche bag ways. You’ll never have to say, “I know Jean really likes me, but it’s hard to tell because he’s such a douche bag and doesn’t know how to express himself.” But, you might find yourself saying something like that if I don’t really like you. This rule is interchangeable with any dude. You really should be pretty clear on how a guy feels about you if he actually likes you beyond sticking his penis in you. If you feel the need to ask him what he thinks of you, and he replies, “You’re cool” please know that if you died tomorrow, you’d get half a fuck and a “Rest in Peace” tweet. No additional fucks shall be given. We don’t talk on the phone because he prefers to text. Bullshit; he just doesn’t care to talk to you. We don’t go out because he’s broke. Bullshit; my 11-year-old cousin can scrape up 30 bucks for a movie. We don’t get together that much because he’s busy. Bullshit; I know a nigga with 2 jobs, 2 kids, and a wife at home, but he still finds time to cheat so please know that if a dude is interested he can find time to get up with you. 

But you keep hanging around
Despite being on that express train to nowhere with no signs of any growth in the relationship, you’ll stick around hoping for an upgrade. Yeah, it’s not coming. Almost every guy I know, myself included, will let a chick linger around as long as she is cool enough to keep letting us smash and play that non-girlfriend role. That will continue until we…A. Find a chick we’re really interested inB. That pussy gets old to us (and that happens much more often than any of you women will like to admit) or…C. You get hip and leave on your own.Pretty much, 3 weeks after the first time you have sex you should be able to tell what direction things are heading in if they are heading anywhere at all. 

So are you the only one in love?
Jean DeGrate has spoken 

Monday, February 27, 2012

Five Subtle Hints that You’ve Stumbled into the Friend Zone

Noticing the exact moment of when you stumble into the friend zone can be tricky, and by “tricky” I mean “almost fucking impossible”. You want to give her the benefit of the doubt and think that everything is on track. If you haven’t gotten the cheeks yet, the secret optimist in you is saying, “she’s just taking it slow,” even if it’s clearly not the case. So here are a few subtle hints that may tip you off if going home sexless after a $200 date just isn’t enough for you.

She won’t kiss you
Never forget… kissing leads to fucking. And, most chicks know that so some don’t kiss on the first, second, or third dates just to keep things at a respectable pace. Some girls say they don’t like to kiss at all. 98% of the time, that’s a lie; chicks love playing kissy face. If she’s digging you then she will eventually appease you with one. So you two have been getting up and hanging out for over a month, and you still can’t get a kiss out of her… Well, my friend, you’re about 6 church hugs into the friend zone. 

She asks you for random favors
She wants you to come over Sunday morning and hook up her surround sound. She asked if you could drop something to eat pass her office because she’s too busy to take a lunch today. She really wants you to ride with her to IKEA because you’re a man, and you should be able to lift heavy shit. She asks you to do silly shit like stop in and feed her cat while she’s in Miami or pick her up from work everyday this week since her car is in the shop mainly because you haven’t gotten all rapey on her, and she sees the simp in you. 

She always refers to you by your government name
Women love pet names. After about two outings, she should be referring to you as “Babe”, “Sweetie”, “Honey”, or something other than Greg. If she always refers to you as Greg, you’re never getting those cheeks. “Oh, I’m good, but how was your day GREG?” 

She ends sentences with “…doesn’t mean I’m going to have sex with you”
When you do nice things for women that actually like you, she’ll never end a sentence with “…doesn’t mean I’m going to have sex with you.” But, when she does end a sentence that way, it means even if you serenaded her every night singing her favorite love song in perfect pitch and filled her house with red roses, you still wouldn’t get the pussy. It also means, “I’ll keep getting these free meals and dates off you until you get rapey or super annoying.” 

She’s never been to your house
Any woman that’s even considering taking this infant-like relationship any further will want to know how you’re living. After you get a few dates under your belt and you ask her to come over and “chill”, she should be down even if she ain’t fucking. The girl that doesn’t want to give you the pussy at all will opt for another outing saying something like “if I wanted to stay in the house I could just stay in mine” or “I don’t feel like being cooped up in the house”. That woman is also a professional dater; her goal is probably more free meals.

If any of these apply to you, dip or get rapey but you’re not getting the cheeks, son.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Saturday, February 25, 2012

You're Trapped in the Friend Zone: Cut Your Losses and Dip

I know many of you young suitors have set out on the conquest of the fairer sex and somehow ended up in the dating purgatory most people refer to as “the friend zone”. Even I, Jean DeGrate, have found myself looking in the bathroom mirror at a female’s house I thought I was courting thinking, "How the fuck did I get here?" It might have been when I allowed her to tell me all of the shit her last man did wrong and genuinely seemed to give a fuck or when she called me at  11pm just to talk, and I actually stayed on the phone for 30 minutes before saying, "Yeah, I'm jive tired. I'll hit you when the sun comes up." Either way, I was in the friend zone because at the end of the hallway in the living room sat her and her cousin packing up clothes for Miami, all the while expecting me to drive them to the airport. Yeah, I'm totally not that guy. That's a job for homies, and I didn't apply for a homie position. I walked out of the bathroom, grabbed my fitted hat, threw up the deuces, and walked out of her door. She called my Nextel back to back for 30 straight minutes, I never answered. Eventually, I just ended up turning my phone off. I didn't owe her an explanation because we weren't friends. Ever since that day, I've been extra leery about chicks asking to see me before they go out of town.

But this is why I dipped...

I don't need any new friends
I don't go looking for new friends. To be perfectly honest, I don't want any more. When I approached you in the bar, bookstore, Wegman's, or crowded Metro redline platform, it wasn't because I thought you'd make an awesome homie… I wanted to fuck you. Since my initial intention was to stick my penis in you, anything else is rather unacceptable. I didn't sign up for these platonic outings or to give you my thoughts on the guy that's actually getting the pussy. None for me thanks.

Friend Zone Relationships aren't balanced
You want her; she doesn't necessarily want nor need you around. You're more of a convenience than anything else. When there’s nothing to do on a Friday night, she can call Friend Zone Mike; he’s always down to entertain. When she needs help rearranging the furniture in her bedroom, Friend Zone Mike will be glad to lend a hand. Friend Zone Mike is always on tab to aide in a multitude of tasks with the exception of actually having sex. Your ringtone will be the theme song to "Golden Girls". (And, if any one of you coons even thinks to pretend like you don't know the theme song to “Golden Girls”, may you burn in hell.)

You'll never escape
Despite your blatant desire to be more than just "friends", you'll never climb out of that friend box. Everybody has seen the romantic comedy in which the best friend is secretly in love with his female homie, and at the end of the movie, she realizes that's she's also in love with him... they fuck… they live happily ever after. Yeah well… that guy will never be you. NEVER. You might even accidently stumble into the pussy on some drunken night, but you'll never make a return visit to the cheeks after that. You'll hang around even longer and do more simp shit never to make it to the promise land. Come to think of it, most of the women I know with male friends they've acquired after high school are mostly niggas stuck in the friend zone. "I mean I know he used to like me, but now we're just really good friends." 

When you went in for a kiss and she opted for a hug, it was time to dip
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, February 16, 2012

You know some of us know you real life right?

Welcome to the wonderful World Wide Web. Yep, the internet is the place where you can be whoever you choose to be unless, of course, your actual friends are watching. And, chances are your friends are watching. Luckily, for me, I am a douchebag pretty much all of the fucking time; so my online and offline personas match up. Yeah… me… JD on and off the net. But, day in and day out, I see people blogging, tweeting, and putting shit up on FaceBook that doesn’t remotely reflect the life they are currently living.
First off… relationship shit
Men often save all of their relationship criteria for face to face conversations, first dates, and thirsty Twitter direct messages. Unfortunately, women rarely take that route. The list of your requirements is fucking mind blowing. If I didn’t know you had kids by a dead beat (yea, multiple by the same dead beat) and lived in the trap struggling to pay rent, you could have possibly fooled me. Possibly… I see you out there speaking of 5 star dinner dates and only accepting the best, but I fed some of you carry out and fucked you on an air mattress. I’m not that smooth or special; so you have to be putting on a façade for the good people in dot com land, right? Not to mention how many of you women complain about “ain’t shit” niggas and but ya’ll ain’t shit in real life.
Everybody is paid?
I know scores of broke people. Not that “I make less than $40k” broke but that real “struggle life” broke. Unpaid tickets so you avoid street parking at all cost, water for lunch, loan me 20 bucks until NEXT NEXT Friday, they cut your Boost mobile off, kids eating cereal for dinner… struggle life. Somehow these broke people (some of them currently owe me money) speak of smoking loud every day, buying expensive sneakers, taking vacations, and all types of lavish shit that should be reserved for the Jay-Z’s and Lebron’s of the world. Somehow, these check-to-check, rapid refund recipients are living the lifestyle of the rich and famous, but they just got the final cut off notice from the electric company. Stop it kid.
You’re good person?
For some strange reason, the internet brings out either your inner saint or your inner douchebag. Most people prefer the saintly route; so I’m going to focus on that. Not only do I know a lot of broke people, I also know a shitload of bad people. Not all of them are so bad that they deserve let’s say… life in prison, but these are definitely the people you wouldn’t want babysitting your kids. Somehow, the magic of FaceBook and Twitter turns these sluts, drug dealers, con men, gangsters, players and other disreputable people into preachers, physiologist, relationship gurus, and just overall saintly people. Cheaters looking for true everlasting love (but, never forget you smashed the homies). Women that have killed more unborn children than they have jobs on their resume are publicly mourning the death of Whitney Houston while speaking out on folks defaming her reputation. Did you mourn those babies though?
On that next fraudulent tweet just remember some us really know you
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

My Top 5 Reasons Why Obama will be reelected

This just in: Mitt Romney won Nevada. What does that mean to any democrat hoping that Obama stays in office? Not a motherfucking thing. If Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin had a love child that grew into a beautiful woman and that woman married Romney forming the perfect Tea Party/Republican Party family, Obama would still get reelected. And this is why...
1. Black people love Obama and everything about Obama
(And by “black people”, I mean “coons”) These coons claim Obama like they personally went to Chicago and talked him into running for president. Four months ago, it was Obama's 19th anniversary, and you would have thought they actually knew Barack and Michelle the way these coons were raving about it. Pictures are posted on FaceBook and Twitter everyday of Michelle Obama. The only person to fuck a president and get this much exposure was Marilyn Monroe. (Jackie O fell a distance 3rd.)
2. The Republicans hate the gays
They do. Part of being a Republican means that you must please conservatives by blocking the civil liberties of the gays.
3. Occupy Wall Street... DC... Oakland... etc...
If for a millisecond you thought these people squatting in tents for months on end are even slightly leaning towards sending a vote Mitt Romney's way, you haven't been paying attention to this movement. They are all against corporate wealth and greed, and that $240 million Mitt is sitting on is the embodiment of exactly that. Plus… Romney doesn't care about poor people.
4. They don't poll poor people
Nobody is coming into the slums and asking Grandma Jenkins and Big Reggie who they are voting for. So don't feed into these polls that say Obama's ratings are down because these poor people never switched sides. There’re way more poor people than rich and middle-class people combined.
5. Obama is winning the war on terrorism
Not only did this man bought the troops home from Iraq in time to have Christmas dinner, he murked Osama Bin Laden. Come to think of it… since he bodied Osama and aided in getting Gaddafi ousted from office nobody has even hinted that this man might be a Muslim.
All this intense campaigning Ron Paul, Newt, and Romney are out here doing is just to get the default Republican votes that were already going to the GOP nominee. Obama's campaign slogan could be "Let's do it again", he could hold all his public appearances at places serving soul food, and he'd still be a shoe in for reelection.
Obama 2012 because you ain't voting for nobody else
Jean DeGrate has spoken