You're Trapped in the Friend Zone: Cut Your Losses and Dip

I know many of you young suitors have set out on the conquest of the fairer sex and somehow ended up in the dating purgatory most people refer to as “the friend zone”. Even I, Jean DeGrate, have found myself looking in the bathroom mirror at a female’s house I thought I was courting thinking, "How the fuck did I get here?" It might have been when I allowed her to tell me all of the shit her last man did wrong and genuinely seemed to give a fuck or when she called me at  11pm just to talk, and I actually stayed on the phone for 30 minutes before saying, "Yeah, I'm jive tired. I'll hit you when the sun comes up." Either way, I was in the friend zone because at the end of the hallway in the living room sat her and her cousin packing up clothes for Miami, all the while expecting me to drive them to the airport. Yeah, I'm totally not that guy. That's a job for homies, and I didn't apply for a homie position. I walked out of the bathroom, grabbed my fitted hat, threw up the deuces, and walked out of her door. She called my Nextel back to back for 30 straight minutes, I never answered. Eventually, I just ended up turning my phone off. I didn't owe her an explanation because we weren't friends. Ever since that day, I've been extra leery about chicks asking to see me before they go out of town.

But this is why I dipped...

I don't need any new friends
I don't go looking for new friends. To be perfectly honest, I don't want any more. When I approached you in the bar, bookstore, Wegman's, or crowded Metro redline platform, it wasn't because I thought you'd make an awesome homie… I wanted to fuck you. Since my initial intention was to stick my penis in you, anything else is rather unacceptable. I didn't sign up for these platonic outings or to give you my thoughts on the guy that's actually getting the pussy. None for me thanks.

Friend Zone Relationships aren't balanced
You want her; she doesn't necessarily want nor need you around. You're more of a convenience than anything else. When there’s nothing to do on a Friday night, she can call Friend Zone Mike; he’s always down to entertain. When she needs help rearranging the furniture in her bedroom, Friend Zone Mike will be glad to lend a hand. Friend Zone Mike is always on tab to aide in a multitude of tasks with the exception of actually having sex. Your ringtone will be the theme song to "Golden Girls". (And, if any one of you coons even thinks to pretend like you don't know the theme song to “Golden Girls”, may you burn in hell.)

You'll never escape
Despite your blatant desire to be more than just "friends", you'll never climb out of that friend box. Everybody has seen the romantic comedy in which the best friend is secretly in love with his female homie, and at the end of the movie, she realizes that's she's also in love with him... they fuck… they live happily ever after. Yeah well… that guy will never be you. NEVER. You might even accidently stumble into the pussy on some drunken night, but you'll never make a return visit to the cheeks after that. You'll hang around even longer and do more simp shit never to make it to the promise land. Come to think of it, most of the women I know with male friends they've acquired after high school are mostly niggas stuck in the friend zone. "I mean I know he used to like me, but now we're just really good friends." 

When you went in for a kiss and she opted for a hug, it was time to dip
Jean DeGrate has spoken