Things I’ve learned About Myself

I feel like I know myself pretty well. I know my limits. I know my weaknesses. I know what I want out of life. My morals are steadfast and I know I don’t like grits or potato salad and it doesn’t matter who made it so if you’re reading this we don’t ever have to have that conversation. With that being said I’m constantly learning new things about myself and it’s crazy because I’ve known me all my life. Since I’m always surprising myself I figured I’d share some of those things with you good people.

Sex is relatively low in my prior matrix
I love pussy but the older I get the lower it slides down the totem pole. It was a time in my life at a “you up” text message at 3am on a Wednesday could get me out of the bed, dressed, in the car and driving across town. Now if I’m in the house at 3pm on the Saturday with zero plans, but it looks like it might rain a “WYD” text from some guaranteed action might go unanswered. It goes beyond that too. No matter how fine she is if she’s stupid, plastic, her kids ugly or a vast assortment of other petty reasons I’m not fucking. Sorry but not sorry.

My favorite clothing brand is not Ralph Lauren
I grew up loving it. Before I could buy it on my own I plotted, pleaded and schemed to get it. In my mind I love Polo. In my mind I’m always Polo down to the socks. Only thing is I’m not though. I own maybe 7 Ralph Lauren items and that might be a stretch. One day I opened my closet and I saw whole lot of Hugo Boss and G-Star making up wardrobe essentials. I have more graphic T’s from Target then Ralph shyt.

I lie when I’m drunk
I’m a pretty honest person mainly because I don’t care enough to lie and I lack emotional empathy. Now when I’m drunk it’s a different story or at least that’s what I’ve been told. I remember the first this was bought to my attention. You know how women love to be like “remember what you said last night”? I came to her house wild drunk after the club because she responded to the “you up” text and the homies dropped me off. Well according to her I said she gave me the best head I ever got. I initially thought she was lying because her head wasn’t even in my top 20. I started taking a surveys from people that I’ve been around drunk and you guessed I was doling out these confidence boosting lies like a motivational speaker. So if you want your ego stroked come find me 6 drinks in.

I might not be dad meeting material
I came to this realization when had my kid almost 11 years ago that I had never met the dad of a single woman I’ve ever dated or slept with. I’m 38 now and I’ve slept with over 4… I’ve slept with enough women and I’ve yet to meet a single dad. I’ve never even come close to having one of those Nick Cannon Drumline “the boy is meeting the parents” moments. I might really not be dad meeting material but I’m at least I’m still the “you want some pussy ” material. Look at God.

I’m a cantankerous old man
I’m an 80’s baby with the soul of an 85 year old black man that’s retire and hangs out at the neighborhood barbershop talking shit about what’s wrong with this generation. I’m more irritable than infant that’s teething. Everything erks my soul. That was a reach because it’s not everything it’s just people. People are the worst kind of people and I can’t stand them. People stay doing dumb shit. I actually enjoy hating people.

I’m boring
Don’t let this charm and wit fool you. I’m boring. Like DVR’ing the weather channel to watch it 3 weeks from now boring. Like watching paint dry boring. My list of shit I don’t do and won’t do is longer than the Constitution. I’ve already decided not to do things that haven’t even been invented yet; like time travel, virtual sex and teleportation. So just imagine the stuff that exist right now that I’m not here for like horseback riding. Why would I want to ride something with a mind of it’s own? Never forget a horse put Superman in a wheelchair. Stay woke.

What have you learned about yourself?
Jean DeGrate is still learning Jean DeGrate

These Men Be Broke and Here are 9 Signs

Yesterday I told you about the women so it’s only right that today I talk about the men. Ya’ll know I’m about balance and shit right? Honestly I think women need this info more than men needed the broke chick info because there is really no upside to dating a broke dude. Off top broke dudes are harder to spot because men are so fucking good at hiding their poverty. Their lies are elaborate and the social media is a complete fucking smoke screen and they do a really good job at making piss poor resemble money. Anyway let’s get into.

1. He’s semi-WOKE

Men that continually speak on the disenfranchisement of black people and “the man” systematically holding them back tend to be broke and bitter (a 2 for 1 bonus; stay woke). He’s full of theories and always down to boycott a company for the cause if it doesn’t extend beyond 2 weeks or inconvenience his life. He has hundreds of YouTube videos to back up his thought process on everything from the Illuminati to the Bilderburg group to the destruction of Bill Cosby. Can’t say any of this is the reason why he doesn’t have money but being poor with idle time and access to YouTube tends to make a person feel like some type of scholar.

2. He’s a carry-out/fast food aficionado

Broke boys always know all the good spots to get bad food. The best steak and cheese egg roll in all the land is located at a Chinese carry-out in the seediest side of town. By now everybody is hip to the Chick Fil A sauce but he’s part of the beta test group for the new sauce they’re dropping in fall and all he can say about it is “it’s fire” due to his NDA. He knows every late night pizza spot and dinner in a 50 mile radius. Pretty much any place he can get a meal for less than $14 he’s up on it and it shows because his fridge is filled with half empty containers.

3. He has a lot of hustles

He’s selling jail broken fire sticks. He has a connect on bootleg cable. He’s a mechanic, a party promoter, a barber, an Ůber driver, a landscaper and still manages to work 40 hours on his day job. This man is definitely broke and when he opens his wallet it sighs ever so slightly.

4. He complains about child support/baby mother

Most dudes aren’t out her like Diddy with a herd of children by several different women and endless money. It’s a lot of regular dudes making regular money and hefty child support payments can turn a regular pay check into minimum wage. If he’s going back to court to get his payments lowered he’s probably broke. If his kid calls him to ask for something and he responds “ask your mother she’s getting child support” he’s probably broke. If he can’t understand what his baby mother is spending his money on he’s probably broke.

5. He gently deflects your date suggestions

You want to go to this wine festival that’s all you can eat and drink but its $80 a ticket and a 2 hour drive away so you’ll probably need to book a room too. He counters with a wine bar downtown. You’ve been dying to hit this new fancy seafood restaurant and you’ve been hinting at it for over a month but he’s never in the mood for seafood. He’s deflecting because he doesn’t want to pay for that shyt and be forced to eat Top Ramen for the next pay period.

6. He has a roommate but lives in a shytty neighborhood

Nobody should be going half on an apartment in the trap. If you need help to still be living in the struggle you should probably have stayed in grandma’s basement. If he’s living this way he has terrible credit, selling drugs or he’s really poor.

7. His car is unreliable

His car has been in the shop 3 times for 3 different reasons this year. He just keeps dumping money into it. Digging up money to do one repair at time because he’s too broke to get it all fixed at once or scrap the car all together and buy something new. When his car in the shop and he’s not even hopping in an Ůber; just sitting in the house on stuck he’s probably wild broke.

8. His clothes are ill fitting or he has loud and ugly designer clothing

He dresses like Tim Duncan in the off season. His jeans are 2 sizes too big causing them to buckle at the waist with his belt. His pants inseams are 4 inches too long. His shirts all fit like he used to be 70lbs heavier and he hasn’t gotten around to shopping since he got skinny. He’s broke. He out in these street with True Religion head to toe with the horseshoe logo on everything and none of that shyt matches? He got it from the outlet sis on clearance. He’s still rocking Giuseppe shoes with the all the gold hardware looking like an African scammer from 2014? He’s broke and copped those on EBay gently used.

9. He's a self proclaimed good dude
A good dude. A good hard working man. If he leads with any of that shit his pockets are tighter than skinny jeans on a fat boy. Him and his 98 Camry are on the way to bigger things; he's just waiting on his moment and needs a good woman in his corner who's trying to build with him and possibly loan 150 until payday.

You might have a broke boy on your hands
Jean DeGrate has spoken

These Women Be Broke and Here are 8 Signs

Dealing with a financially challenged woman is really a mixed bag depending on what type of man you are, what financially position you’re and what position you’d like her to fill. If you have a little bit of money broke chicks make excellent side bitches if you’re down to pay a cable bill or two. However you want to play is up to you but here are some signs that she might be a broke chick.

1. She complains about her friends and family not supporting her and/or not being loyal
Broke women always need help but they tend to call it a lack of support and loyalty. People around them are never supportive enough or loyal enough because they need a lot. She’s a burden on her friends and family in actuality. She doesn’t see it that way though.

2. She doesn’t believe in buying nice things for her kids
As we all know kids out grow shit and break shit because kids are kids. She ain’t buying her kid a PS4 because he broke a “see and say” when he was 3. “I ain’t buying no Jordans so you can out grow them in a month” knowing damn well this kid has never out grown anything in a month; it took him 3 years to outgrow the pacifier.  If she is a firm believer in not buying nice shit aka expensive things for her kid based on the premise that kids will ruin it she probably broke.

3. She has a stupid side hustle
Sometimes stupid and poor go hand in hand. A broke bitch loves a silly ass side hustle. She might be selling Ciroc minis for $5 a piece at a cookout looking to make a 1000. She might start a weave recycling business wear she’s washing, dying and reselling old bundles. Either way she’s going to jump out the window with some sort of dumb ass get rich quick scheme and think she’s cornering the market on renting spoons or something.

4. She plays the lotto faithfully
She’s in a Powerball pool at work and still playing Powerball on the side when the jackpot gets a little high. She’s playing the pick 4 and the pick 3. If she ever said “I played 4126 and that bitch came out 4125” that's all you need to know.

5. She’s under 40 and smokes cigarettes (especially menthol cigarettes)
I don’t know what it is about black poverty and Newports but poor people love it. If she’s rolling around with that clear 2 for a dollar crack head plastic lighter and that box pack of 100’s on deck she probably paying her rent on the 5th and not a day before.

6. She complains about her baby daddy
Baby daddies not pulling their weight or doing their part seems to be a very common narrative chiefly amongst broke women. If she got that bag, holding shit down with ease; you’re not going to hear shit about her baby daddy. On the flipside if she’s been in the house wearing a winter coat because that gas bill too high and making syrup sandwiches because payday is 5 days away; she’s going to have all the smoke for her baby daddy and she’s going to tell you about it.

7. Her weave is terrible
Her invisible part isn’t remotely convincing. Her weave looks like she can take it off like a fitted cap and set it on the nightstand. Her hair looks more like an old Whitney Houston wig during her Bobby Brown cocaine era than it does those $400 bundles folks are raving about it. It is what it is fam.

8. She has plans for money she doesn’t have yet
She was doing the Birdman hand rub in November for her tax return that was coming in March. She knows exactly what she’s spending the pay check after next after next after next on. She knows what months have 3 paydays in them for 2019 right now. That money is spent before the direct deposit hits.

I’m not saying she broke but she’s fitting the broke criteria
Jean DeGrate has spoken