The Top 5 Greatest Finesses of All Times

I love a good finesse. I’m not a scammer but if scamming was a spectator sport I’d be all for that shit. I might even take a scamming class just to get a better understanding of the scam. Some of my favorite movies are finesse films, like Ocean’s 11 and The Usual Suspects. But you know what’s better than a finesse movie? A historical finesse. A celebrated finesse. Finesses so great that people can’t even see it as a finesse. They are literally dripping in finesse; word to Bruno Mars.

 
1.            The birth of Jesus Christ
I’m Catholic but I’m not stupid and ya’ll can miss me with all that “God moves in mysterious ways” shit. I know a finesse when I see one. I just imagine myself in the position of Step Daddy Joseph when my wife came home to tell me she’s pregnant by God especially since God created a fully grown man out of clay. Why wouldn’t he take this tried and proven path again is beyond me. The sice game Mary laid down had to be legendary. Not only did his “virgin” wife come home pregnant on the day of the child’s birth 3 other dudes pulled up with gifts and shit and to top it all off, somehow someway, Joseph stuck around to raise that kid. What does a baby need with myrrh? Ya’ll putting perfume on infants? Weird flex but oh ok.
 
2.            Thanksgiving
Even though this is number 2 on this list it’s clearly number 1. I’m just typing these up as they fall out of head. Little known fact about me… I don’t have an outline like ever. Do what you like with that info. The Pilgrims rolled up on Plymouth Rock and finessed the Native Americans out of an entire country. The entire Western movie genre was based on making Native Americans out to be the bad guy. I might have seen 10 legit Native Americans in real life and this is their country. I know as I’m writing this some of you are still eating leftovers from the celebration of the greatest finesse of all times. 
 
3.            Kim Kardashian (and the rest of the Kardashian Mafia)
I don’t know what Kim Kardashian does. Kim Kardashian doesn’t know what Kim Kardashian does. Kim Kardashian can’t even explain to her children why she is famous. Her dad wasn’t even OJ’s lawyer he was a homie that read a letter to the press. Fast forward 10 years and Kim becomes Paris Hitlon’s personal concierge and foot masseuse then BOOM she “leaks” a lackluster sextape with Ray J and then Ryan Seacrest gave her a reality TV show. Now she’s wildly famous and wildly rich. She even married the artist formerly known as Kanye West.
 
4.            Drinks in the club
My drink of choice in these streets is a double shot of Johnnie Walker Black Label with a splash of ginger ale. It typically runs me anywhere from $18 to $26 depending on the venue; once I throw in a tip it might be a $30 drink. What’s in a double shot exactly? 3 ounces of liquor and a lot of ice cubes giving you the impression that your glass is full; it’s a lot like the air in a bag of potato chips. Funny thing is a fifth of Black Label is about $30 bucks which translates into 8.5 double shots. This isn’t just true for my drink of choice; it’s true for all of them. The mark up is incredible. For the price of a beer you could get a 6 pack at your local corner store. For the price of a bottle of Hennessy you could get 10 bottles from your local liquor store. And we all know this but we still pull up to the club and slam down hard earned cash for a 500% markup on average.
 
5.            Car Insurance
I have a 1996 Lexus SC 300. It’s a car I wanted when I first started touching money but I didn’t have a way to explain this money. I used to fantasize about pulling up in this car (and the 92 Acura Legend coupe and the 90 Nissan 300zx to be fair). Anyway I got the car about 9 years ago drove it around town and then parked in 2014. Side note if you let a car sit for 4 years everything is going to break. It only took like $3500 and 6 months to get this car road ready again. So all of this had me doing the math on everything I’ve put into this car and it shocked me to find out I’ve paid more in car insurance than anything else and this car has never been in an accident. I dropped just under 10k for the possibility of something happening and they aren’t going to give you any of that money back. State Farm is taking your money month after month, year after year; just in case of shit.

 
What’s on your top 5?
Jean DeGrate has spoken
 
 
 
 

5 Parenting Duties I Would Gladly Contract Out If I Were Afforded Such Luxuries

Thanks to the internet I know that Gabriel Union had a surrogate for her first and only child. (And yes I know this old news but I’m going to talk about it anyway.) I also realize she had like 9 failed pregnancies. I can totally appreciate the “why” she did what she did. Clearly this was the only way for her but some people on the internet felt some kind of way about it. People on the internet always care about how the rich and famous carry on in their private lives and love to add their 2 cents. Myself, on the flipside, I was taking notes. It got me to thinking how many of these parenting duties would I outsource if my money was long enough. Just during infancy I probably would have never changed a pamper, burned myself trying to figure out if the formula was the right temperature or went shopping for baby clothes because all that non-descript bullshit got 2 wears max before it went to charity or the trash. Yes the trash. Anything she had an explosive shit in never saw a laundry basket it went straight into the dumpster. Anyway those days are behind me so let us focus on the now.

 
1.            Cooking
My child is 11 and we only eat a handful of things in common; bagels, bacon, fruit snacks and yeah, I think that’s it. Every time I turn on the stove with the kid in the house I’m making 2 totally different meals. Her meal then my meal. It sucks. Mainly because I’m hungry right the fuck now. Let me hire a chef and buy one of those dope ass 6 range gas Viking stoves. Get us out of the way chef. So Madi and I can eat our totally different meals at the same damn time like a family and shit.
 
2.            Being a personal driver
Saturday when I was sitting outside of her dance class for 2 hours watching CBS’s terrible Friday night line up on my phone I was thinking I could still be at home. When I’m driving up to the school and that “we’re within 2 blocks of the building but it takes me 10 to 15 minutes to get to the front door” traffic; I need a driver. At her age it’s a ton of places I’ll be taking her to that I’ll probably be sitting outside of waiting; like this honor roll fall harvest dance last month or piano lessons.
 
3.            Discipline
This is another thing people never tell you before you have kids. Disciplining your kids sucks. In order to punish your kids you have to punish yourself too. You have to play warden. If you had a fun weekend lined up you have to cancel it because your kid doesn’t want to act right. I know I was taking the kid to see the Dead Pool Christmas movie but I also wanted to see the Dead Pool Christmas movie so none of us get to see the Dead Pool Christmas movie. You’re punished by proxy. Also I don’t beat my kid but I would assume that intentionally inflicting pain on your child would probably wear heavy on your soul.
 
4.            A chaperone
You know what I hate? Little kids’ birthday parties. They are trash. I mean the kids seem to be having fun but let’s be honest it doesn’t take much to entertain kids. A few dollar store toys, space to run around to act crazy, pizza and birthday cake is always a recipe for success. While my kid is off doing her own thing I’m stuck with these parents in this endless repetitive paradox of pointless small talk. “She’s 11. Your kid is 7; I remember Madi at 7; hold on to those moments, he'll be grown before you know it. She goes to KIPP. Oh your sister’s kid goes to KIPP. Dance and piano. Your kid is in soccer; that’s what’s up.” You know what’s missing at little kids’ birthday parties? An open bar. Two double shots of Johnnie Walker’s Black Label would change the whole mood, but if I got ripped at the party who’s going to drive us home? Or more importantly who’s going to stop me from making a move on that single mom that keeps smiling at me from the other side of the moon bounce. “Hey Tabitha’s mom.” Nevermind that, an open bar is recipe for disaster. I need a chaperone that’s going to stand there for the 1 to 3 hours or however long it takes to sing happy birthday and cut the cake then bring my child back to me. This also applies to field trips because I’m never in the mood to go to the pumpkin patch or the air and space museum.
 
5.            PTA meetings
First and foremost all meetings are trash. I once quit a job because they had a mandatory once a month unpaid meeting and I just couldn’t stomach attending it after the 1st month. Every meeting I’ve ever attended in my entire life could have been summed up in an email that probably would take 5 minutes max to read. PTA meetings are equally trash but you feel the need to attend them because it’s about your kid’s future and shit. It’s a trap tho. Teachers aren’t honest. There isn’t a teacher in the land that’s going to keep it 100 with you if your kid wasn't even qualified to be a door stop. They always shower your kid with accolades and they say something like “but he’s easily distracted” instead of saying “Your kid is stupid and probably has a side of ADHD”. I’ll hire this stand in and the teacher can tell him whatever then he can run me back the cliff notes version if there is anything of note at all.
 
Yeah, I need to be rich.
 
What parenting duties would you outsource?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

The 5 People Who Shouldn’t Come To Thanksgiving

Before I get into this let me say something up first because I know some of you are out there thinking “Well who is JD bringing to Thanksgiving?” The answer is nobody. I’m not bringing a single fucking soul. Even if I was in a relationship I wouldn’t bring her out either and I’m going to tell you why. Because I ain’t. That’s why. Ok, seriously, even if I’m in a relationship it’s safe to assume I’m seeing this woman at least twice a week and now I got to bring her to Thanksgiving where she doesn’t know anybody but me. Nope. I’m not about to entertain her, bail her out of awkward conversations and field questions from my family about my intentions with this young lady while she’s sitting right next to me. I don’t want to even entertain all the side conversations my family is going to have behind her back. If she brings a dish nobody is going to eat. My nicer family members might put in on the plate and push it around a bit but you better believe it will never touch anybody’s lips. Now I got to ride home with her while she’s asking me why nobody ate her mac and cheese or her store bought pie. Ain’t nobody coming to Thanksgiving with me. No thank you. I’m also not going to anybody else’s Thanksgiving; I’ve even stopped the whole I’ll swing thru and pick up a plate shit.

 
Now back to you good people.
 
1.     The clingy person
That person that’s going to call your mother “mom” when meeting her that first time is the person you don’t want to bring to Thanksgiving. They going to be playing fantasy football with your uncles. Following all your cousins on IG and becoming FB friends with all your aunties. They will implant themselves into your family tree and well after the relationship is dead and gone they will still linger. They’re like vampires; once you invite them in they’re here to stay.
 
2.     Folks you’ve dogged out to the family
You told your cousin he’s been cheating and now they’ve been cyberstalking his ever move on IG. You told your mom she’s bad with money and she just bought the 3^rd designer bag that she can’t afford. You told you brothers he grabbed you up and choked you once when he was drunk and now the whole night they plotting on beating his ass while saying slick shit to make him jump out of pocket. Family is going to talk to family so as unit they’ll be side eyeing your boo in unison.
 
3.     The 5^th significant other you’ve posted on social media this year
Some people fall in love fast, hard and often. If you’re one of those people that have 30 people in your heart that you thought was going to be forever your family might be sick of you and the revolving door of baes you keep bringing to the dinner table.
 
4.     The person you cheated on the ex your family actually like with
Nothing breeds contempt like the new boo that comes after the boo the family really liked unless that new boo is the homewrecker that messed it up with the old boo. Your family is about to be wild shady to them and no phcks will be given. “Hmm Kesha used to help clear the table.” “Dre used to bring VSOP Hennessey and Ciroc. Nobody here drinks Cuervo, so you can take that when you leave.” “Oh we don’t have any more chairs at the big table you going to have to sit at the kiddie table.” “You don’t even look like you know how to play spades.” There will be big shade. There will be endless awkward moments.
 
5.     The finicky eater
Thanksgiving is a time to throw down. Some of the dishes you haven’t eaten since last year Thanksgiving you’re going to over indulge on. People eat until they hate themselves then take a breather and put some sweet potato pie on top of it. The dude on the paleo diet, the girl that’s gluten free and folks with nut allergies and shit; leave these people at home. Especially if your family are seriously about traditional Thanksgiving dinner. 
 
Who aren’t you bring to Thanksgiving?
Jean DeGrate has spoken
 

The Most Annoying TV Kids of 2018

TV is trash right now. This might be the worst fall season of TV I can remember. I did however finish that Netflix Sabrina show with the seed over the last few day even though Madi mentally bailed out around episode 4, I think. It reminded me of how much I hate TV kids. Excluding the kids on Black-ish. Those might be the best TV kids since Alex P. Keaton from Family Ties. Random and unrelated but, for me to respect Stranger Things as a horror series they’re going to have to body a main character next season. One of those kids have to die if they want me to stay as a viewer. Way too many close calls and these kids keep coming out alive. Ok back on task… I’m pretty sure I can do a top 100 of all times because I have time and a lot of gripes but I’m assuming you don’t have time and probably a slight case of ADHD. I know every word I type is in constant competition with a meme from Dexter’s Laboratory and whatever rehashed topic that’s trending on Twitter right now. Look at me distracting myself while I talk to you about being distracted. Shame. Anyway I don’t think people talk about how terrible TV kids are and I’m willing to be the pioneer to this shit starting with my top 5. Oh let’s do this.

 
1. Charlotte Byrde - Ozark
How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. I’m not actually going to count the ways but I’m at the point where I even hate her stupid face. I understand that her whole life has been uprooted and now she’s stuck in the middle of nowhere Missouri. I definitely understand, I once spent the weekend at my mom’s house and she lives in Clinton, MD, 22 minutes outside of DC, and I considered ending it all but this was season 2. Charlotte had a whole ass 10 episodes of season 1 to adjust to life at the Lake of the Ozarks but nope; she’s still being a little fucking prick. She’s embezzling money. She’s running away. She’s acting all types of wild like she’s not privy to the Feds and cartel watching.
 
2. Sabrina Spellman - Chilling Adventures of Sabrina
First off Kiernan Shipka looks 13. She’s 19 in real life but she still looks 13. The series begins 4 days prior to her 16th birthday but she still looks 13. Secondly despite how dark this show is Sabrina has this breezy happy go lucky vibe about her like the Dark Lord aka Satan ain’t coming for her soul. Besides the fact that she believes that she can outwit the devil she bends over backwards to help her mortal friends (especially her boyfriend Harvey) that tends to cause my damage than good. More importantly she never takes advice she’s only ever accepts help. Maybe a large part of being a terrible TV kid is being a blonde teenaged girl.
 
3. Spencer James - All American
You’re probably not watching All American because it’s a show not focusing on a super hero that airs on the CW. Let’s keep it 100 the CW doesn’t really offer much and since we are here... that reboot of Charmed is trash. Moving right along… the general plot of this show is Spencer James, a high school football phenom playing in Crenshaw, who is recruited by Taye Diggs who coaches for Beverly Hills then moves him in to his home. In my mind I’m expecting like some Fresh Prince of Belair type of situation. Nah. Spencer suffers from daddy went out to get a pack of cigarettes syndrome that leaves him with a permanent chip on his shoulder. Spencer is also trying to save his female gay BFF from joining a gang run by the most, mild mannered giving back to the hood, gang banger ever, Shawn Scott.
 
4. All of the kids - Single Parents
I like Brad Garrett. Don’t judge me. I watched every episode of Fox’s “Til Death” because of Brad Garrett. Don’t judge me. Knowing that Brad Garrett was in this show I decided to give it a shot and all the kids are trash (excluding Brad Garrett’s twin girls). I’m not even sure how it’s possible to raise kids that exhibit none of the traits of the parents but in this show that’s what’s going on and they are all annoying. If I was father to any of these kids I’d be a dead beat daddy so fast.
 
5. Dr. Shaun Murphy - The Good Doctor
I know technically Shaun is an adult but he acts like a child and its annoying as shit. I loved season 1 of the Good Doctor. The premise was so heartwarming. Like come on son; an orphaned young surgeon with autism and savant syndrome that beat the odds. I don’t know the actually statistics on a person with autism making it thru medical school and into a residency program but it has to be a 1 million to 1 because I’m pretty sure if there was an autistic medical doctor out here I would have heard about it by now. Anyway the warm fuzziness this show used to give me has worn off and if I’m sitting in a hospital bed then Shaun yells out “cut his foot off he has diabetes” after seeing a rash on my elbow he’s going to catch these hands. He has zero bedside manner and they’re not even setting up a buffer for this guy. Yeah I’m sick of Shaun.
 
Who are the TV kids you hate?
Jean DeGrate has spoken