Thanks to the internet I know that Gabriel Union had a surrogate for her first and only child. (And yes I know this old news but I’m going to talk about it anyway.) I also realize she had like 9 failed pregnancies. I can totally appreciate the “why” she did what she did. Clearly this was the only way for her but some people on the internet felt some kind of way about it. People on the internet always care about how the rich and famous carry on in their private lives and love to add their 2 cents. Myself, on the flipside, I was taking notes. It got me to thinking how many of these parenting duties would I outsource if my money was long enough. Just during infancy I probably would have never changed a pamper, burned myself trying to figure out if the formula was the right temperature or went shopping for baby clothes because all that non-descript bullshit got 2 wears max before it went to charity or the trash. Yes the trash. Anything she had an explosive shit in never saw a laundry basket it went straight into the dumpster. Anyway those days are behind me so let us focus on the now.
1. Cooking
My child is 11 and we only eat a handful of things in common; bagels, bacon, fruit snacks and yeah, I think that’s it. Every time I turn on the stove with the kid in the house I’m making 2 totally different meals. Her meal then my meal. It sucks. Mainly because I’m hungry right the fuck now. Let me hire a chef and buy one of those dope ass 6 range gas Viking stoves. Get us out of the way chef. So Madi and I can eat our totally different meals at the same damn time like a family and shit.
2. Being a personal driver
Saturday when I was sitting outside of her dance class for 2 hours watching CBS’s terrible Friday night line up on my phone I was thinking I could still be at home. When I’m driving up to the school and that “we’re within 2 blocks of the building but it takes me 10 to 15 minutes to get to the front door” traffic; I need a driver. At her age it’s a ton of places I’ll be taking her to that I’ll probably be sitting outside of waiting; like this honor roll fall harvest dance last month or piano lessons.
3. Discipline
This is another thing people never tell you before you have kids. Disciplining your kids sucks. In order to punish your kids you have to punish yourself too. You have to play warden. If you had a fun weekend lined up you have to cancel it because your kid doesn’t want to act right. I know I was taking the kid to see the Dead Pool Christmas movie but I also wanted to see the Dead Pool Christmas movie so none of us get to see the Dead Pool Christmas movie. You’re punished by proxy. Also I don’t beat my kid but I would assume that intentionally inflicting pain on your child would probably wear heavy on your soul.
4. A chaperone
You know what I hate? Little kids’ birthday parties. They are trash. I mean the kids seem to be having fun but let’s be honest it doesn’t take much to entertain kids. A few dollar store toys, space to run around to act crazy, pizza and birthday cake is always a recipe for success. While my kid is off doing her own thing I’m stuck with these parents in this endless repetitive paradox of pointless small talk. “She’s 11. Your kid is 7; I remember Madi at 7; hold on to those moments, he'll be grown before you know it. She goes to KIPP. Oh your sister’s kid goes to KIPP. Dance and piano. Your kid is in soccer; that’s what’s up.” You know what’s missing at little kids’ birthday parties? An open bar. Two double shots of Johnnie Walker’s Black Label would change the whole mood, but if I got ripped at the party who’s going to drive us home? Or more importantly who’s going to stop me from making a move on that single mom that keeps smiling at me from the other side of the moon bounce. “Hey Tabitha’s mom.” Nevermind that, an open bar is recipe for disaster. I need a chaperone that’s going to stand there for the 1 to 3 hours or however long it takes to sing happy birthday and cut the cake then bring my child back to me. This also applies to field trips because I’m never in the mood to go to the pumpkin patch or the air and space museum.
5. PTA meetings
First and foremost all meetings are trash. I once quit a job because they had a mandatory once a month unpaid meeting and I just couldn’t stomach attending it after the 1st month. Every meeting I’ve ever attended in my entire life could have been summed up in an email that probably would take 5 minutes max to read. PTA meetings are equally trash but you feel the need to attend them because it’s about your kid’s future and shit. It’s a trap tho. Teachers aren’t honest. There isn’t a teacher in the land that’s going to keep it 100 with you if your kid wasn't even qualified to be a door stop. They always shower your kid with accolades and they say something like “but he’s easily distracted” instead of saying “Your kid is stupid and probably has a side of ADHD”. I’ll hire this stand in and the teacher can tell him whatever then he can run me back the cliff notes version if there is anything of note at all.
Yeah, I need to be rich.
What parenting duties would you outsource?
Jean DeGrate has spoken
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