TV is trash right now. This might be the worst fall season of TV I can remember. I did however finish that Netflix Sabrina show with the seed over the last few day even though Madi mentally bailed out around episode 4, I think. It reminded me of how much I hate TV kids. Excluding the kids on Black-ish. Those might be the best TV kids since Alex P. Keaton from Family Ties. Random and unrelated but, for me to respect Stranger Things as a horror series they’re going to have to body a main character next season. One of those kids have to die if they want me to stay as a viewer. Way too many close calls and these kids keep coming out alive. Ok back on task… I’m pretty sure I can do a top 100 of all times because I have time and a lot of gripes but I’m assuming you don’t have time and probably a slight case of ADHD. I know every word I type is in constant competition with a meme from Dexter’s Laboratory and whatever rehashed topic that’s trending on Twitter right now. Look at me distracting myself while I talk to you about being distracted. Shame. Anyway I don’t think people talk about how terrible TV kids are and I’m willing to be the pioneer to this shit starting with my top 5. Oh let’s do this.
1. Charlotte Byrde - Ozark
How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. I’m not actually going to count the ways but I’m at the point where I even hate her stupid face. I understand that her whole life has been uprooted and now she’s stuck in the middle of nowhere Missouri. I definitely understand, I once spent the weekend at my mom’s house and she lives in Clinton, MD, 22 minutes outside of DC, and I considered ending it all but this was season 2. Charlotte had a whole ass 10 episodes of season 1 to adjust to life at the Lake of the Ozarks but nope; she’s still being a little fucking prick. She’s embezzling money. She’s running away. She’s acting all types of wild like she’s not privy to the Feds and cartel watching.
2. Sabrina Spellman - Chilling Adventures of Sabrina
First off Kiernan Shipka looks 13. She’s 19 in real life but she still looks 13. The series begins 4 days prior to her 16th birthday but she still looks 13. Secondly despite how dark this show is Sabrina has this breezy happy go lucky vibe about her like the Dark Lord aka Satan ain’t coming for her soul. Besides the fact that she believes that she can outwit the devil she bends over backwards to help her mortal friends (especially her boyfriend Harvey) that tends to cause my damage than good. More importantly she never takes advice she’s only ever accepts help. Maybe a large part of being a terrible TV kid is being a blonde teenaged girl.
3. Spencer James - All American
You’re probably not watching All American because it’s a show not focusing on a super hero that airs on the CW. Let’s keep it 100 the CW doesn’t really offer much and since we are here... that reboot of Charmed is trash. Moving right along… the general plot of this show is Spencer James, a high school football phenom playing in Crenshaw, who is recruited by Taye Diggs who coaches for Beverly Hills then moves him in to his home. In my mind I’m expecting like some Fresh Prince of Belair type of situation. Nah. Spencer suffers from daddy went out to get a pack of cigarettes syndrome that leaves him with a permanent chip on his shoulder. Spencer is also trying to save his female gay BFF from joining a gang run by the most, mild mannered giving back to the hood, gang banger ever, Shawn Scott.
4. All of the kids - Single Parents
I like Brad Garrett. Don’t judge me. I watched every episode of Fox’s “Til Death” because of Brad Garrett. Don’t judge me. Knowing that Brad Garrett was in this show I decided to give it a shot and all the kids are trash (excluding Brad Garrett’s twin girls). I’m not even sure how it’s possible to raise kids that exhibit none of the traits of the parents but in this show that’s what’s going on and they are all annoying. If I was father to any of these kids I’d be a dead beat daddy so fast.
5. Dr. Shaun Murphy - The Good Doctor
I know technically Shaun is an adult but he acts like a child and its annoying as shit. I loved season 1 of the Good Doctor. The premise was so heartwarming. Like come on son; an orphaned young surgeon with autism and savant syndrome that beat the odds. I don’t know the actually statistics on a person with autism making it thru medical school and into a residency program but it has to be a 1 million to 1 because I’m pretty sure if there was an autistic medical doctor out here I would have heard about it by now. Anyway the warm fuzziness this show used to give me has worn off and if I’m sitting in a hospital bed then Shaun yells out “cut his foot off he has diabetes” after seeing a rash on my elbow he’s going to catch these hands. He has zero bedside manner and they’re not even setting up a buffer for this guy. Yeah I’m sick of Shaun.
Who are the TV kids you hate?
Jean DeGrate has spoken
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