The 5 People Who Shouldn’t Come To Thanksgiving

Before I get into this let me say something up first because I know some of you are out there thinking “Well who is JD bringing to Thanksgiving?” The answer is nobody. I’m not bringing a single fucking soul. Even if I was in a relationship I wouldn’t bring her out either and I’m going to tell you why. Because I ain’t. That’s why. Ok, seriously, even if I’m in a relationship it’s safe to assume I’m seeing this woman at least twice a week and now I got to bring her to Thanksgiving where she doesn’t know anybody but me. Nope. I’m not about to entertain her, bail her out of awkward conversations and field questions from my family about my intentions with this young lady while she’s sitting right next to me. I don’t want to even entertain all the side conversations my family is going to have behind her back. If she brings a dish nobody is going to eat. My nicer family members might put in on the plate and push it around a bit but you better believe it will never touch anybody’s lips. Now I got to ride home with her while she’s asking me why nobody ate her mac and cheese or her store bought pie. Ain’t nobody coming to Thanksgiving with me. No thank you. I’m also not going to anybody else’s Thanksgiving; I’ve even stopped the whole I’ll swing thru and pick up a plate shit.

 
Now back to you good people.
 
1.     The clingy person
That person that’s going to call your mother “mom” when meeting her that first time is the person you don’t want to bring to Thanksgiving. They going to be playing fantasy football with your uncles. Following all your cousins on IG and becoming FB friends with all your aunties. They will implant themselves into your family tree and well after the relationship is dead and gone they will still linger. They’re like vampires; once you invite them in they’re here to stay.
 
2.     Folks you’ve dogged out to the family
You told your cousin he’s been cheating and now they’ve been cyberstalking his ever move on IG. You told your mom she’s bad with money and she just bought the 3^rd designer bag that she can’t afford. You told you brothers he grabbed you up and choked you once when he was drunk and now the whole night they plotting on beating his ass while saying slick shit to make him jump out of pocket. Family is going to talk to family so as unit they’ll be side eyeing your boo in unison.
 
3.     The 5^th significant other you’ve posted on social media this year
Some people fall in love fast, hard and often. If you’re one of those people that have 30 people in your heart that you thought was going to be forever your family might be sick of you and the revolving door of baes you keep bringing to the dinner table.
 
4.     The person you cheated on the ex your family actually like with
Nothing breeds contempt like the new boo that comes after the boo the family really liked unless that new boo is the homewrecker that messed it up with the old boo. Your family is about to be wild shady to them and no phcks will be given. “Hmm Kesha used to help clear the table.” “Dre used to bring VSOP Hennessey and Ciroc. Nobody here drinks Cuervo, so you can take that when you leave.” “Oh we don’t have any more chairs at the big table you going to have to sit at the kiddie table.” “You don’t even look like you know how to play spades.” There will be big shade. There will be endless awkward moments.
 
5.     The finicky eater
Thanksgiving is a time to throw down. Some of the dishes you haven’t eaten since last year Thanksgiving you’re going to over indulge on. People eat until they hate themselves then take a breather and put some sweet potato pie on top of it. The dude on the paleo diet, the girl that’s gluten free and folks with nut allergies and shit; leave these people at home. Especially if your family are seriously about traditional Thanksgiving dinner. 
 
Who aren’t you bring to Thanksgiving?
Jean DeGrate has spoken