Friday, September 23, 2011

Jean DeGrate’s Top 5 Favorite Stalker Songs of All Times

Because everybody loves a good stalker tune...

5. Marvin Gaye’s “I Want You”

“It’s too bad, it’s just too sad
You don’t want me now
But I’m gonna change your mind
Someway, somehow, oh baby”

This is one of my favorite Marvin tracks right here, but I’d never play it in the company of a female because she every got passed Marvin’s smooth crooning those rape-ish undertones would standout clear as day.

4. The Police “Every Breath You Take”

The title alone would make a great slogan for the NASS (National Association of Stalkers and Simps).  If you didn’t know stalkers and simps roll in the same circles, and most simps eventually become stalkers anyway.

“Every single day, every word you say
Every game you play, every night you say
I’ll be watching you”

The original version had the word “Bitch” in it several times i.e. “Oh can’t you see? You belong to me, Bitch” but they dropped it to make it more radio friendly. Everything about the song says, “Bitch, I’m going to kill you then play dress up with your dead body and still get away with it,” but it was the jam back in the day anyway.

3. Bob Marley & the Wailers’ “Waiting in Vain”

“It’s been three years since I’m knocking on your door, and I still can knock some more”

Do you know how long 3 years is in Jamaican time? Technically, since Jamaica is like a 3rd world country their days are like 4 hours longer than those in normal civilizations.

“Tears in my eyes burn, tears in my eyes burn

While I’m waiting, while I’m waiting on my turn”

So he is waiting and crying for years over a bitch that’s dating another nigga. There’s actually a waiting list for that pussy. To this day, I want to see a picture of the bitch this song is based on. I know deep in my heart, she had to be the finest woman in all of Jam Rock.

2. Heather Headley “In My Mind”

This song screams out to how some delusional some women are and the imaginary relationships they keep all bottled up inside their heads. I wonder how many women are involved in an imaginary relationship with me.

“He’s standing with her, but his soul is calling out my name.”

Really son… you can hear his soul? Nevermind that woman on his arm that he’s out and about with, you know what’s really real.

“In my mind, I’ll always be his lady.
In my mind, I’ll always be his girl.”

I wonder what her FaceBook relationship status says. Would that fall under “it’s complicated” or “open relationship”?

1. MéShell Ndegé Ocello’s “Outside Your Door”

The opening line of the song is “Here I sit outside your door, talk to me.” She’s not chilling in your favorite Starbucks hoping you might swing by or even hiding in a car parked several yards away from your house. She’s sitting on your front step waiting for you to come outside. Every verse she speaks in this extra calm serial killer tone. If there was ever a time to be afraid of a bald headed lesbian holding a guitar… this was it. I wouldn’t hesitate on shooting this dyke, and no court on God’s green Earth would convict me after I played this track for the jury.

“Here I am, waiting… Just waiting… Anticipating a chance to run into you. I sit here for hours. One day, I even sat through a rain shower… For just a glance…. A chance to talk to you. You're probably wondering how I even know you.”

This here is beyond “restraining order” stalking this is that “witness protection, pack up and move across country, then change your name” stalking.

“I'd be content to just sit here, and talk to you. In my dreams, you love me… and me only.”

These types of dreams end in blood.

I check chicks’ iPods for shit like this. If I see one of these tracks, I’m out the door.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Benefits of Dating a Big Girl

Off top: I’ve never dated a big girl, mainly because I like the option of fucking with the lights on, and I suffer from a phobia of being crushed by a fat woman in my sleep. The medical name for it is “Bitch-Get-Your-Fat-Ass-Off-Me-A-Phobia”, and until a cure is found, I’ll never be able to date the Jill Scott-ish woman of my dreams. There will be no frolicking in fields of bacon for Jean DeGrate. But, enough about me and on with the blog… 

If there was ever a group of people that made a serious effort at compensating for their physical shortcomings, it’s fat women who date non-fat men. The term “pleasantly plump” was coined by a skinny dude that exclusively dated big bitches.  

There’re 3 types of fat women out here… 

1. The “I just had a baby” fat chick. (And by “just”, they mean anywhere from 3 months to 10 years ago.) These chicks don’t really consider themselves fat chicks because “it’s just baby weight.” Nope, it doesn’t matter if the kid is going to college next year. In my world, 9 months post-birth is long enough to lose baby fat. Logically so, since it took nine months to put the weight on in the first place. To these women, that logic doesn’t apply; they will use “baby weight” as an excuse forever, and because they don’t really believe they are fat, they don’t give up true fat chick services.

2.The “after high school/freshman 15/got a desk job and packed on some pounds” fat chick. This chick here used to be fine or somewhat desirable prior to the weight gain. Although she went from a size 2 to a size 14, over the last few years, when she looks at herself in the mirror, she still sees the body she had as a senior in high school. In her mind, she is just as fine as she ever was. It would take the ghost of Christmas past to reveal the truth to her. For that reason alone, she will continue to eat honey buns from the work snack machine everyday, and when she gets home, there will be no fat chick services provided to her man. This is the bitch that will sit on the couch eating a microwavable dinner, watching Real Housewives, while her boyfriend caters to his damn self.

3. The “I’ve been big all my life so people call me Precious behind my back” fat chick. She’s the genuine article. She doesn’t have the ego of those previous two bitches because there’s no delusion of who she is. She knows she’s a fat bitch. She shops at Lane Byant, instead of trying out Forever 21’s plus line for size. She skips breakfast to cut calories; like it makes any fucking difference. Very few fat bitches have that Monique type-of self esteem; deep down, most fat chicks are so ashamed. It sounds horrible, but if you’re her boyfriend, this lack of self-esteem is the come-up for you (Winning). This is the big girl of your overweight lover dreams, and here’s why… 

She’ll cater to you
Remember that Destiny’s Child song “Cater to you”, and all the dope shit they were talking about doing for their man? Of course you do, but know this: unless you’re balling out of control (and tricking/simping), you will never get a chick that isn’t at high risk for heart attack or diabetes and has a healthy BMI index to do any of that shit on a regular basis. These big girls will work a full time job, help the kids with homework, and still bring you dinner with a beer to the couch, while you watch Monday Night Football. She’ll cook anything your heart requests; just don’t request a side salad. She draws the line at salad, but steak, meatloaf, pork chops, and macaroni and cheese can be on the table every night if you please. She’ll clean with no complaints because that’s what it takes to keep her man happy. She’ll even come and bathe you “Coming to American” style, if that’s what you’re into. 

She’ll take care of you…
Like she will literally take care of you in such a way that she might be legally able to claim you on her taxes. I know 3 dudes that retired from hustling because they started dealing with a big bitch that just wouldn’t let them leave. She’d go out of her way to make sure there was nothing in the outside world he could possibly want that he couldn’t get right at home. Cable, Xbox, HDTV, flat screens, alcohol, and all of his favorite foods were always on deck. She’ll pay cell phone bills and even buy him clothes; big bitches love to dress a nigga. If you were a Blac Label type-of nigga, she’ll upgrade you to LRG; no problem.  

She is always down to fuck
She doesn’t need all that wining and dining to get her in the mood. Ya’ll could be watching Saturday morning cartoons; then you could turn and say, “Hey girl; come jump on this dick.” Before she can get the “ok” out, she’ll be giving you mouth. Rough sex… she loves it. Her body is built like an F-150; you could literally kidney punch her while hitting it from the back, and it will be all good. Kinky sex… she’s with that, too. She already knows she has to be down to do the shit the next girl (who is likely skinny and better-looking) won’t do. You can bust a nut in her ear canal, if that’s what you’re into.  

Bored with busting nuts on your skinny bitch’s back and stomach? This cuffing season, a big bitch may be the way to go.

Sidenote: Jean DeGrate STILL doesn’t date big bitches.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Community Pussy Guidelines

After I dropped that last blog, I’m sure a bunch of you are walking around with community pussy trying to explain your way out of it. I know you need clarification so here are the “Community Pussy Guidelines”

community pussy (noun) – a woman that has had sexual relations with two or more acquaintances…

As I wrote previously: being community pussy doesn’t necessarily make you a whore. Some of you are sluts; ain’t no way around it, but sometimes you’re just a victim of circumstance. Depending on how fragile a man’s ego is he may just see it as the mere chance that somebody he knows just got there first... kind of like buying a car from your next door neighbor. You still like the car, but it’s not as great as buying it new off the lot…if you catch my drift. Just know that a man’s ego is very delicate when it comes to recycled pussy being his actual girl. There are a few circumstances in which men just don’t give a fuck, but please don’t count on getting that community pussy courted anytime soon.

So let’s get into a few scenarios...

If you smashed the homie before they even knew each other…Yep, you’re still community.

If they got cool after you hit the second dude…Yep, you’re still community.If it was a one night stand when you were drunk in college… Yep, if they know each other, you’re still community.

Famous examples of community pussy

Gilbert Arenas’ baby’s mother Laura Govan
She can deny giving Shaq the pussy all she wants for the purposes of BBW LA, but we all know she fucked Shaq, who just so happens to be her baby father’s co-worker.

Nas’ first baby’s mother Carmen Bryan
She fucked Allen Iverson and Jay-Z. To make matters worse, her community pussy ended up on a diss track. You know why you haven’t heard about her since Jay-Z put her on blast… because now she’s pretty much un-bunnable by any celebrity.

Karrine “Superhead” Steffans
She’s pretty much fucked everybody. Just this week, she put it out there that she fucked Lil’  after the VMAs (yeah, leopard pants and all). She definitely is more of a straight up slut, but the community mileage on that pussy is undeniable. I would have an easier time naming people she hasn’t sleep with.

Now that lady has done some impressive numbers: Sean Penn, Guy Richie and Dennis Rodman (just to name a few).

Kim Kardashian
I know for a fact Reggie Bush and Ray J have run into each other a time or two before. Kris Humphries gets to sit across the aisle from a man who gave his wife the daddy stroke on camera… that’s just got to hurt.

If this whole community pussy concept isn’t crystal clear to you by now, you’re just probably in denial. On the bright side, Kim Kardashian still got a ring so anything is possible… right?

Jean DeGrate has elaborated… sorta… I guess 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Community Pussy

It’s a little known fact that the older you get the smaller your dating pool becomes, and it doesn’t matter if you’re dating or not. With the assistance of social sites, rolling ass bitches, and alcohol, most people live within 50 miles of their birthplace, and people tend to date the same type of person over and over again. The chances of you finding uncharted territory gets slimmer and slimmer as years go by… which brings me to the actual topic of the blog: “Community Pussy”.

community pussy (noun) – a woman that has had sexual relations with two or more acquaintances… i.e. Melanie previously had sex with Walter who just so happens to play on a flag football team with Greg, the guy who she’s currently fucking.

Community Pussy VS Community Penis
Of course, community penis exists. But, they’re always some sort of double standard in dating, and like with almost every other double standard, this time, men again come out on top. I’ve personally fucked 2 thirds of a female’s crew. I could show you pictures on FaceBook right now with 2 and 3 chicks I hit posing in the same picture, smiling, with 20 comments about how they are the best of friends under the picture. They have more in common than they’d like to think for sure. I often want to comment, “Your BFF rides dick better than you,” but (even being the asshole that I am) that’s just wrong. The thing is, since I’ll never spill the beans and all of their other so-called friends aren’t trying to start “drama”, my community penis goes unnoticed. So much so that in years to come, there are great chances that I will hit a couple more chicks from that same group. Hell, I’m Jean DeGrate… I might even fuck a sister or two. That aside… the point being this is all possible due to women doing that 007 secret undercover fucking. Women don’t tell anybody who they’re fucking, not even Jesus. If he ain’t her man, on the verge of being her man, or tricking off something serious, that nigga won’t even have a name; he’ll simply be referred to as her “my friend”. The lack of communication among females makes it so easy for community penis to fly under the radar.

We know who you’re fucking
Men, unlike women, aren’t hiding who we’re fucking unless we’re just ashamed of her, but please believe even if she’s an “ain’t shit bitch” but her mouf is on 1000, she’ll eventually creep up in conversation. Groups of men talk about 3 things: sports, music and women. There isn’t but so much arguing niggas can do about why “Watch the Throne” is just ok and the Cowboys/Redskins rivalry. Next topic: you and the mileage on your pussy. You remember those naked pictures you were sexting to him on those late nights that you wanted him to come over? There’s a 90% chance at least one homie has seen those. If it was sent to the homie via text or email, there’re at least 30, and up to 1000, strangers that know what you look like naked and who you’re fucking. “Damn, she’s phat as fuck. Who’s that homie?” “This joint named Shanae, my man Kev from up top fucking.”

Why it’s a big deal
First, let me disclaim that being community pussy doesn’t necessarily make you a whore. While some of you (ok… most of you) are just straight up sluts, some of you are just victims of circumstance. The chances of a nigga being the first to dive into you greatly diminish after 10th grade, but we still like to believe we are getting some exclusive shit at least for relationship purposes. It’s a pride thing, and if you didn’t already know pride is a huge thing amongst the male sex. Finding out somebody we know hit you is a mean ego blow, and it doesn’t matter if it was last year or last decade. Let it be anything short of a serious relationship, like playing sideline chick or one night stand, you’ll probably never hear from us again. The only thing worse than your chick getting hit by the homie is your chick getting slutted out by the homie.

Just remember, “Danger, she smashed the homie” will be your new ringtone.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, September 12, 2011

Why Women Are Better Cheaters

Off top let me just say women ARE NOT better cheaters than men… blog over.











Ok, the blog isn’t over, but women aren’t better cheaters. Their success is just based on certain circumstances that simply fall in their favor.

A man cheating is a common occurrence
Do you remember the media blitz Tiger Woods got for giving the backstroke to those sideline Barbie-looking bitches? How about every Tyler Perry movie ever made featuring some dude fucking around? You want to know why the media blows this shit out of proportion? The answer is simple: men are known to get pussy on the side. If you have female friends then you know every female has been cheated on at least once. If you’re a female and you feel like you haven’t, you’re a damn fool. Men cheating is often the topic of conversation over Panera bread lunches and girls-day-out shopping trips. Men being dogs is widespread knowledge, and even if you aren’t a dog, the label is still attached to you. This is an advantage to women because out the gate, they already think you’re cheating… all they need is confirmation. And, they will do whatever they can to find out, which brings me to my second point.

Women are suspicious by nature
… And by suspicious I mean “distrustful and just plain old fucking nosey”. If your girlfriend isn’t checking your cell phone and attempting to hack your FaceBook account, you don’t have a girlfriend. When you went to the bathroom to piss and left your phone sitting on the couch, trust and believe she read six pages of text messages before you flushed the toilet. Then, she put your phone back on the exact same screen, in the exact same place, in the exact same facedown position before you finished washing your hands. When you got back to continue movie night, she was making mental notes of every Bitch’s name she saw that she didn’t know or particularly like. Sunday is ya’ll’s movie night so expect a random “Who’s Kim?” as you’re driving to dinner Thursday night. God forbid you really had some dirt in your phone (or at least what seemed like dirt according to crazy woman standards) you can fully expect, “Who the FUCK is this new Bitch Kim that texted you ‘where have you been lately?’” to pop off immediately. All the while, you just keep repeating, “But, why you looking thru my phone thou?” Kim could be any damn body: your friend, homie from back in the day, or the Asian nigga you ball with on Saturday mornings, but in your girlfriend’s mind, you are cheating with Kim. Besides just normal phone slip-ups, they notice your off behavior and will not to hesitate to investigate the cause of it. If you normally double lock your door, but today you chose the bottom lock only, she noticed, and she’s wants to know why. If you always play rap in the car, but this morning when she turned on the radio smooth jazz came on, she’s hip, and assumptions are building by the second. If you sneeze 4 times in row, something is going on. Apparently, that sideline bitch gave you a cold, and she needs to know how. This is an advantage to women because eventually she will catch you slipping.

Pride won’t allow men to be distrustful
It doesn’t matter how many times a man has given another man’s girlfriend that outside dick, he’ll refuse to believe that his girl could cheat on him. A dude could have been playing outside dick for a chick, wait for the breakup, then seriously date that same cheating bitch, but would bet his life she wouldn’t cheat on him. He’ll come up with all types of excuses as to why she cheated on the other dude just to sooth his ego. “He wasn’t laying that pipe right.” “She really wanted to leave him, but she wasn’t trying to break the lease.” “His mother had just died, and she couldn’t leave him when he was already down.” But, the thought of her being an “ain’t shit” cheating ass bitch never crosses his mind. Outside of an empty condom wrapper falling out of her purse or a homie sending him camera phone pictures of her walking hand in hand with some other nigga in the park, she can do no wrong. This is an advantage to women because they can almost get away with anything, and he won’t scrutinize it because his just knows his backstrokes are all she needs.

We are afraid of looking like a bitch
If a man does all that snooping shit women do, he automatically looks like a bitch ass nigga. You checking to see what she wrote on some niggas wall of FaceBook… yep, bitch move. You were reading her Twitter direct messages over her shoulder… yep, bitch move. You looking thru her phone while she cooks dinner… yep, that’s a bitch move too. A dude’s named could be stored in your woman’s phone as “Big Dick Larry”, and the moment you dial that number or send him a text from her phone to see what it do, a team of your homies will bust threw your window and revoke your man card on the spot. And, even if your homies don’t revoke your card, your girl will pull the old, “you must be cheating your damn self if you’re so insecure about Big Dick Larry texting me all day.” This is an advantage to women because unless the circumstances are dire, no “real” man will check up on his girl. And if you are that guy, pull your skirt down B.

Women are sneaky
All that 007 spy shit women do to check on men, they reuse those same skills when it comes to successfully acquiring and executing sexual relations with outside dick. I got a chick right now that I’m not even fucking, but she only speaks to me during her work hours because she doesn’t want her man to know. Can you imagine how much she’d go thru to cover her tracks if we were fucking? Women create back stories for men they ain’t even fucked yet so if you do end up getting the pussy and her man runs across you, she can plug you into that lie. “Baby, this is Jermaine he was the only male cheerleader at my high school. Remember when I told you he used to tutor me in French, and we stay in contact via FaceBook? Well, I ran into him at Starbucks this morning and decided to hook up for lunch. But, what you doing down here?” Cheating bitches always make their other nigga seem soft or possibly gay so their boyfriend won’t feel threatened. I mean really, what man could ever be threatened by a male cheerleader? The level of smoothness ya’ll hoes exhibit is down right brilliant, and definitely an advantage, which brings me to my final point…

Yeah, on second thought, women are better cheaters.
Jean DeGrate is watching you hoes

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Your Standards Might Be Too High

I’d like to give a big shout out to Rozonda “Chilli” Thomas for opening my eyes to just how delusional some women really are. I watched about 3.5 episodes of “What Chilli Wants” because I thought she was fine. I had mean crush on Chilli when I was younger; so much so that I once owned all of the TLC CDs. I wasn’t even slightly interested in why a beautiful has-been R&B singer with only one kid and cash of her own couldn’t find a good man. In my mind, that entire season should have been able to be summed up in 60 minutes. I mean she’s fine, somewhat famous, and openly looking for a man. Shit, niggas should have been lined up around the block… That’s what I thought before I realized that bitch was crazy. Her standards were off the fucking chart even for a chick that is as desirable as she is. Since then, I’ve been paying close attention to what women want out of men.

You’re not as special as you’d like to think you are…
Let’s use me for starters… As charismatic, clever, funny, good looking, and cool as I’d like to think I am, I’m not really doing shit extraordinary. Real talk, last week a roller told me I’m not relationship material with a straight face. I still don’t know how to feel about that, but that’s the realest shit she could have said. And, while her pussy has more mileage on than a fleet of taxicabs, she still has the right to decide whether or not I’m “relationship material”.  All the things that make you think you’re the shit might not really matter to the guys you want to be interested in you. (Please see “We Really Don’t Care about That Shit” for further elaboration. HYPERLINK ""

You’re a great mother…
You know who really gives a fuck about you being a great mother? (1) Your kids and (2) yeah… that pretty much sums up that list. If your baby daddy is really about his issue, how great of a mother you are doesn’t excite him either. After all, he is the one that busted the nut in you so he probably was already aware of your motherly capabilities from the start. Believe it or not, not having kids is a bragging point (even if you are an outstanding mom). Mommy and kids come together like a combo deal so it’s always better not to have them. Your kid can be the cutest, smartest baby in the world, but most men are going to view him or her as cute, smart BAGGAGE. Your new dude wants to catch a movie then dinner and drinks, but instead, he’s standing in your living room playing Power Rangers with Jr. because your babysitter fell thru. Get the fuck out of here. I know it’s not your fault that you can’t find a sitter because you’re a single mother, and nobody is helping you. But you let your deadbeat baby daddy bust a nut in you, and that my dear is your fault. Your kids might be the best thing that ever happened to you, but the worst thing to happen to any up and coming relationship. Lower your standards, and you might get a dude with some understanding to your situation.

You think you’re the shit
Ugly women, pretty women, fat women, skinny women and every 3rd woman in-between thinks she’s the shit. Confidence is at an all time high, and with all that confidence normally comes with a large side order of shitty attitude. For every girl out here that’s ACTUALLY the shit, there’re 200 subpar bitches that think they are the shit, and 400 dudes tired of fucking with them “I think I’m the shit bitches”. The only thing worse than a nice looking girl with an “I’m the shit” attitude is a busted bitch with the same disposition. Leave that shit at the door; we don’t need you to remind us of how great you think you are.

You’re a bill
Women cost money, and it doesn’t matter how much tricking a dude says he doesn’t do. Even if you avoid dating, courting, all the other bullshit, and jump straight to fucking, you still have to pay for the condom. Yeah, I know you’re worth all these fancy nights out on the town… right? But, are you really? Think of the situation reversed: would you take a new dude (not your boyfriend or even someone you’ve cracked) out for a night on the town simply because you enjoyed his company? If you said, “yes,” you’re full of shit… know that. What makes your conversation/company so much better than the chick that’s down to kick it in the house, eat carry-out, and hit up Red Box? Way less than you actually think; plus, the chances of  fucking after a movie at the crib are far greater than after being out on the town. No matter how much paper a nigga has, we all count our coins when it comes to the “pussy bill”. I might easily have on a $1500 outfit on a random Wednesday, but I can’t remember the last random Wednesday I frolicked around town spending endless bread on Ms. New Booty. So, checking for that “wine and dine every weekend” type-of nigga because you think you deserve that might just have you waiting at home alone for while.

Single by choice
I only know of ONE girl who is really “single by choice”. She’s single because she’s in school studying for her PhD and doesn’t believe she’d make a good girlfriend, but please believe she has dudes waiting for that window of opportunity. Chances are if you’re “single by choice”, you can’t find the man you think you deserve. That’s right up there with being unemployed because you’re too good to work at Target. Keeping that logic will eventually have you dyking it up or becoming a cat lady. The choice is yours. Your standards are too high for your own good. It’s really simple; if you only attract “ain’t shit niggas” or niggas that aren’t interested in becoming serious then either you ain’t shit or you ain’t shit to be taken seriously. Think of the male you: if that nigga is one month away from eviction, changes jobs more often than the seasons, makes less than 50k a year, has two or more kids, stays with some sort of drama, and lives at the bar/club, you know you wouldn’t want to date that guy. So why on God’s green earth would a guy better off than that want to date you? Because you think you’re cute and fun to be around? Yea, that ain’t going to cut it.

Turn that ego down some, and face reality.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Over Priced Pussy

“If you treat a Bitch like a Queen, she’ll probably treat you like a fool” – Jean DeGrate (2011)

Although the stock market is down and the economy is struggling like a one- legged man at a kickball tournament, the value of vagina is skyrocketing. If I could roll my 401k into a couple of down-ass-Bitches, I’d be able to retire by next summer. Simping and tricking are at an all-time high, thus leading to a surge on undeserved confidence amongst subpar women.

“I deserve…”

It grinds my gears to a level that I can’t even put into words when I hear a woman talk about the things she “deserves”. I’m a firm believer that you deserve the things you work for. For example, I’ve been playing the lotto bi-weekly for the last 3 years, but I don’t believe I “deserve” to hit the Power Ball because I play faithfully. I didn’t earn those millions, even if I set aside 10 dollars a week to buy a handful of tickets. Now, these Rock & Republic jeans hanging off my ass, I’m sure I “deserve” these. I sat my ass at work, earned the money, and bought these. I just finished seven 12 hour shifts back-to-back; Lord only knows what I’m going to buy with that check (prolly a small farm just for the hell or it), but nevertheless, whatever I buy… I “deserve” that shit. Now, when a chick that dropped out of hair school or Phoenix Online University and currently works as a cashier at Target says she “deserves” the finer things, I always feel the strong urge to say, “No Bitch, you ‘deserve’ to die.” The sad thing about it is, it’s not even her fault that she feels that way.

I blame you Simps

You ever drive past a dude washing and waxing a 93 Ford Escort? He’s cleaning the rims, putting Armorall on the tires, and even wiping the car dry so there won’t be any water spot residue left on the paint. His car damn sure isn’t a classic. If he tried to trade it in, the dealership would probably give him 50 bucks just to get it off the lot. He treats it like a Benz even if the bluebook value wouldn’t go half on a Benz rim. Simps apply this same sort of treatment to their women. Dear Simps, you’re fucking it up for the next guy; know this. You pamper these women who wouldn’t normally be exposed to that sort of treatment because the men in their league don’t behave in such a manner. You don’t buy Keisha from 3rd street Don Perignon Rosé when she’s used to drinking 4 Loko’s and Sutter Home Moscato. I don’t care if it’s her birthday; buy her 3 bottles of that d’asti Moscato. It will hold her over; I’m sure (because bitches love sparkling Moscato). You don’t take her to Morton’s. Nope not even during restaurant week. She’s been eating at restaurants with pictures on the menus and paper napkins all her life. If you feel like doing it big, let her add an extra side of shrimp.

Treating it a 4 like an 8

When you came along working your Simp magic, she forgot about the dudes before you: the dude that had her sneaking popcorn and sour patch kids into the movies because he wasn’t paying for movie tickets and snacks, and the dude that wouldn’t drive into the city to pick her up from work but would gladly meet her at the train station closest to his house. She was perfectly cool with those guys, and their actions were expectable, until you came along upping the ante. What you Simps never realize is that one day when your relationship (or whatever) falls off, she becomes the next man’s problem. It takes about 3 or 4 dudes to leave her on stuck before the reality finally catches up again. And even then, the little bit of confidence you gave her tends to shine through ever-so-slightly. Ain’t nothing like a mediocre bitch from Southeast, who a Simp took on vacation to Miami, coming back in town with Lamborghini dreams and beach house wishes.

JD won’t upgrade you

Before I come out the pocket for a meal or even a drink at the bar, I already need to know how you’re living. If she has been at the bar for the last two hours tossing back rail Long Island iced teas, I already know when she comes thru the crib, I need to have that Svedka on chill. If she’s a Forever 21 and Bakers shopper, I won’t even talk Louie and Gucci… wouldn’t want to give her any ideas. If her favorite restaurant is Friday’s, I’ll Jack Daniel’s wing her ass to death. She likes red Kool-Aid and Top Ramen? Shit, no problem; I’ll buy her a case of both. I’m not here to show her the finer things in life; she’s supposed to do that for her-damn-self. I’m here to offer some companionship, crack a few jokes, show her a good time, and toss in the occasional deep stroke. I won’t be doing anything for Ms. New Booty that she isn’t fully capable of and willing to do for herself. Know this.

Treating 8’s like 7’s since Benjamin’s had small faces.
Jean DeGrate has spoken