Friday, September 24, 2010

Insults are new the compliments

*** Side note - Shout out to the dude that invented tights that look like jeans and shout out to girls who rock them when their shape is on smash. I know you just standing there minding your business but damn girl it looks like you’re doing wrong especially when your pants look painted on. ***

Me and random big butt chick (RBBC) standing in the break room as I buy a Coke with all nickels (yeah this might take a while).

Jean DeGrate - How tall are you?
RBBC - 5 feet and a quarter inch... hold on with or without heels?
JD - Well I was already thinking you’re pretty fucking short then I noticed you have on heels so I had to know how tall you were. You’re like 3 microwaves tall.
RBBC - Short is in
JD - Yeah everywhere except amusement parks
RBBC - Hold I can get on all the rides
JD - I'm going to need some pictures or some video footage on that, I just can’t chance that
RBBC - You don’t believe me
JD - Sorry I don’t know too many trustworthy midgets. But look on the Brightside you never need extra leg room. (As I walk out of the break room icy cold Coke in hand)

When I looked back at her she was all smiles like she just saw the Antoine Dodson YouTube clip for the first time. That got me to thinking “when was the last time I actually paid a female a real compliment?” I’m drawing a blank here but that’s probably because I’m an asshole and I’m so gifted at finding what I don’t like the most (so I think it’s time for a toast, Kanye). But has it stop me from attracting females without showering them with flattering remarks or being able to whisper sweet nothings into their ears while in close quarters? No not at all. Why you ask; because compliments are played (this is true unless you giving them Maino compliments “You the baddest bitch in here” which really goes across in a different light and may not be considered a compliment at all).

Too many variables
Compliments are done because its way too many variables on how it goes over. If an ugly dude compliments any chick (no matter how busted she might be herself) it will carry less weight simply because of who’s delivering it. Almost any nice thing that has been said before so every time you open your mouth with something sweet she’s heard it before. Compliments work the best when you aren’t trying to make a move on the subject of the compliment and that kind of defeats the purpose of it to start with. On the other hand a well delivered insult can turn any head no matter who it’s coming from. Making ill-mannered statements to members of the opposite sex has been immensely successful for me; I once referred to a female as “Big Head” during an entire outing and still smashed. I even get better results when I insult better looking and/or more confident women.

So go head make a snide comment with a smirk on your face disguised as a joke, if she doesn’t find it funny fuck it she probably wasn’t going to give you the time of day anyway. On second thought don’t listen to me I don’t want nobody getting smacked and blaming me for it if I’m not there to see it.

Insults are new the compliments, for me at least ,try at your own risk.

Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, September 20, 2010

What Do You Bring to The Table?

So I’m on an ex-girlfriend’s Facebook page, where she and her homies are going in on what men don’t bring to the table. Her exact status read “If you don’t have anything to bring to the table then don’t sit”. She goes on further to say “I guess this is why everybody is single... because men lost sight of their role as the provider. Just because women are working and handling their business, does that give men the right to slack off? Don’t back down, man up and accept the challenge.” Ok my first thought was “BITCH what do you bring to the table?” but I opted not to put that on her status.

I’m a provider
I provide for my daughter. I got a doll house in my living room with Barbie and all her homies chilling in it. I put food in her belly, clothes on her back, fulfill all her needs and do my best to cover all her wants, meaning when she points at some shit on TV I buy that. Then again; she’s my child, she’s my family I’m obliged to take care of her needs; as I am to hold my brother and mother down if need be. So yeah I’m a fucking provider for my family.

What will I provide for you?
You want drinks, dinner, maybe a movie or a night out on the town? Cool, I got all that, we don’t even have to wait to payday we can go today. I also provide good conversation that will keep you up the wee hours of the morning and having you feeling like you’re in high school all over again. I’ve been know put a smile on the face of the opposite sex from time to time, even invoke a chuckle or two. At the end of the day I provide entertainment and companionship but I also expect the same out of chick sitting at the other side of the dinner table.

Ms New Booty or Ms Current Booty or Ms Not My Wife/Fiancée
My last W-2 puts me at 100k+, but guess what your cut of that is? Guess how much I’ll be putting on your light bill/cable bill/rent for a place that I don’t turn a key at? Guess how much I’ll be dropping on your nails/hair? Guess how much I’m willing to spend to upgrade your wardrobe/shoe game? Not a muthafucking dime. I don’t trick PERIOD! If I got to reach in my pocket to upgrade your lifestyle yeah you got the wrong dude.

I’m not that guy
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, September 17, 2010

Oh So Random

Self Hate.
I hate my feet. They are really ugly, not that I desire to have pretty feet, but less hideous feet would be a plus. My feet strongly resemble a pair of Copper Foamposites that are kind of scuffed up, but I got a quick fix for that, I wear shoes and never ever ever ever take off my socks around a woman until after I get the pussy. I also hate my voice, if it wasn’t for the plethora of clever shit that comes of my mouth I wouldn’t talk at all. Like seriously I’d take up sign language and get a mean text game. My good friend Fatz once compared my voice to static.

Dating girls with strange names.
I really need to date more women with exotic/hood/foreign names. It’s like 1000 Nicole Smith’s in the DC area (I fucked about 4 of them) but do you know how hard it is to track down a Nicole Smith via FaceBook? It’s fucking impossible I’d need the cast from CSI, NCIS and Colombo to stand a fighting chance. From this day on I will never fuck another Nicole Smith as long as I live. I need me a chick with a name that begins with a “Z” like Zazumie.

All in My City’s Politics.
Primary election day has come and gone and all these “DMV” people (Non-DC Residents) were deeply interested in REAL DC residents’ mayoral politics and what not. Let me ask you this who’s the mayor/congressman/county councilman of Rockville or Bethesda or Hyattsville or Camp Springs or Clinton or Any town in near by MD? You don’t know that shit do you? That’s where you pay taxes at, but I got Go-Go band leaders living in Capitol Heights all on my radio pushing Fenty and these suburbanites all on my Twitter and FaceBook pushing Vince Gray. Fuck you. Stay in your lane and that lane is Seat Pleasant, MD. I don’t give a fuck who’s running for county sheriff in PG county, so why the fuck you care what’s happening over here.

And this is what happens when you just start typing
Jean DeGrate ain’t said shit

Friday, September 10, 2010

Our First Day of School

First off the teacher’s aid had a lace front bob and a slight mustache... now on with the blog.

I remember my first day of public school in the states, it was a fucking nightmare I cried and cried and cried. And that was before my mother left me in the classroom full of ugly kids. Apparently Madi is immune to ugly people, she grew up in the states all her life so she’s accustom to bald headed little girls with sparse cornrows, bearded/mustached women and little boys with bad braids that look months old. Madi is also an anti-social ass, if you’re talking to her and she doesn’t know you she automatically shuts down. She’s used to doing things on her own time so she wasn’t really getting into the groove of the structure they were trying to lay down but her acting out isn’t even noteworthy.

Standing outside of the club I mean the school...
Maybe mommies didn’t dress like this when I was I little rug rat or I just wasn't paying attention, either way my eyes are open now. These mothers were dressed to party, maybe it’s a Monday morning breakfast club I don’t know about. Every 4th chick toting a child behind her had them titties out and front cleavage on blast. Short skirts and high heals; tight jeans and low cut shirts I almost wanted to ask “Where you about to go? Where you work at?”

Daddy you’re a joke...
The entire class room was quiet except for the teacher introducing Mr. Butterfly, then my man Ian stands up and turns to his dad and says “Daddy you’re a joke” loudly. It took every fiber in my body not to laugh. I actually felt my body temperature rising while holding back the laughter. That was just the beginning with my man Ian who looked as if he was a baby linebacker. He wasn’t going for shit anyone was telling him. You want me to sit criss-cross applesauce (Pre-k for Indian style), FUCK THAT I'm going to stand here and look at you stupid. Oh dad you going to force me to sit down well you are going to have to stand here and hold me down because as soon as you let go I’m back up doing me. Its book reading time, FUCK THAT and FUCK THAT hungry caterpillar it’s time for me to play with these blocks. I spent most of my day waiting for Ian to pop off than I did listening to the teacher.

Old lady with the goatee don’t put that play food in your mouth...
Some poor little girl who is way too young to be embarrassed had the awful luck to have her bearded grandmother escort her to the first day of school. Grandma spent more time adjusting those droopy grandma titties than she did interacting with her grandchild. When she finally got them titties perfectly adjusted her grandchild and my daughter just happen to be at the same play station (the kitchen). Her granddaughter served her plate after plate of plastic food and this old biddy put her poly-grip dentures on every fake pea carrot and piece of chicken she got handed. I wanted to pour hand sanitizer in her mouth and yell “stop biting the play food you old fool”.

Yeah I wish I could get me a part time gig as an assistant principal
Jean DeGrate AKA Mr Feenie