Tuesday, July 31, 2012

3 Simple Rules to Help You Stop Annoying the Man in Your Life

Women often get a bad rep for being a nag, although some nagging is warranted but a lot of that shit is just insignificant meddling that does nothing more than agitate the man in your life. Here are the top 3 things you need to shut the fuck up about to prolong the life of your relationship and not sabotage one before it even starts. And before you say your HIM has been going for it doesn’t mean that man doesn’t have a breaking point don’t push him there.

Stop comparing shit with women he dated before you

It’s safe to assume that any man you’re dating in your adult life has dated somebody before you. With that said it’s safe to assume all those smooth moves that he used to capture your attention, get you out those boy-shorts and even the moves he used while laying that stroke he picked up and perfected with some other bitch. The same goes with gifts, places he’s taken you and the restaurants you eat at. So yes he did take that bitch “Renée” to Ruth Chris and he enjoyed the food there so much he decided to come back with you. Nobody is reinventing the wheel for you girl so shut the fuck up about it and enjoy the meal.

Realize you are an addition to his life and not his whole fucking life

Most guys had some sort of life before you came along that was filled with friends, hobbies, possibly a struggling rap career, maybe a kid or 2 and the 40 hours a week spent at his day job. Then you came along. Now that you’re here none of that shit stops; you’re just adding to the equation. When in a relationship you cut back on other interest to make room for your current love interest. So on that random Friday night he decides to kick it with Craig and them; don’t sit there on the couch with an attitude like he ain’t with you 4 nights out of the week let man chill with his friends.

Stop asking meaningless questions

Him – Hey babe I’m about to walk into this grocery store do you want anything?
Her – But its Wednesday
Him – Huh?
Her – You never go grocery shopping on Wednesday
Him – What does that even mean?
Her – Why are you grocery shopping on a Wednesday?
Him – Because my fridge was empty on a Wednesday
Her – Why are you getting all smart and shit?
Him – Because you’re asking dumb ass questions
And of course an argument ensues. Now this man is walking around Safeway push an empty shopping cart and yelling into a cell phone looking all crazy because you couldn’t just say “yeah baby, pick up a box of Special K and some skim milk”. Overcome that womanly urge to solve mysteries that don’t need to be solved and asking questions that don’t need answering. Save that overwhelming sense of curiosity for shit like what Kanye really sees in Kim K and if Beyonce’s baby is really real.

Obeying these rules will aid in keeping your Him yours
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Contrary to Popular Belief

I know somewhere along the line some of you were mislead into believing certain things were one way but that clearly isn’t the story. Here’s a short list of things that might not be how you figured it to be.
Having natural hair isn't a big deal
“Having a perm is a deal-breaker to me, I need my women natural to have natural hair” – Nobody ever. Nobody but you and your inscent burning shea butter using homies gives a flying fuck about the use of chemicals in your hair. Men only care if your hair looks fucked up when you two are out in the streets no additional fucks shall be given. You know what I say to women when they tell me their hair is natural? Bitch me too and that shit doesn’t make me special either.
People are idiots
Like really most people are actually stupid; not like “Dumber and Dumber” stupid but stupid all the same. As a whole we are generally under informed and not necessarily motivated to become informed about the shit that actually matters. We are more obsessed celebrities, fashion and other empty foolishness (like the necessity of $200 dates). If you don’t believe me 60% of the US doesn’t know that sun is a star and if you didn’t know the sun was a star this makes you one of the idiots, but fear not you’re obviously not alone. Plus can anybody explain the sales numbers of Chia pets, booty pops and porn (since you can get it for absolutely free now over the internet but somehow it’s still a million dollar industry).
Women are just as shallow as men
We all have our preferences because if we didn’t Match.com, E-Harmony, Christian Mingle and all these other random dating sites wouldn’t require pictures, bios and shit. We men are just more accepting of female requirements (either we meet them or we don’t). You don’t hear short men running around complaining about why women don’t date them; nope they just trick and tell jokes to balance that shit out. Now for fat girls, women with large quantities of kids and other less desirable bitches just seem to bellyache about men being shallow for not wanting to date them.
I’m just telling the truth pay me no mind
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, July 16, 2012

Be a Lesbian  

It’s a lot of ladies out here losing at love. They end up with bad guys, they themselves aren’t ready for a real relationship, don’t actually acknowledge their proper dating range and whole assortment of other issues that lead to relationship failure. In result of all these love losses they actual lower their dating value with unwanted kids, high mileage pussy, crazy exes and slew of other baggage that your possible Mr. Right might not be ready to sign up for. I know, I know, I know your Mr. Right will accept you for you and your kids, pussy mileage and the charge you took because a former “Him” left an 8 ball of coke in your car when ya’ll got pulled over coming home from Red Lobster that one time. That type of thinking will have you well on your way to being a cat lady or a hoarder. Good luck tho.
Accepting you for you
The funny thing about falling in love with somebody flaws and all (but mainly baggage) is getting pass the flaws in the first place.  I know despite your flaws you probably think you’re the best thing since sliced cheese but to a grown man living in a respectable and desirable nature, the check to check struggle fest you’re currently living may not seem like a match made in heaven. Honestly speaking most men are looking for a mate and not a new set of bills (unless they tricking). How much building can you really do with a person if they take away more from the table than they put on it?
Dyking just might save you
Lesbians except everybody they only have one prerequisite; you most own a vagina. That’s it. You need more than that to get a library card, but for that good ole woman on woman love the requirement pool is very swallow. You’re not as fine as you were 3 kids, 2 baby daddies and 4 abortions ago trust me they care not; it’s a lesbian out there for you. And it’s all types of Lesbo perks. You’ll never get knocked up by your lesbian lover so you can avoid those costly abortions and pregnancy wear and tear on your body. No condoms; you can wash that dildo with soap and hot water then get back to twerking, it will be as good as new. You can share feminine products; Costco has and economy sized box of tampons that will last you and your “Her” until the apocalypse.  You can leave the Lesbo club at anytime and no judgment will be passed; jumping on and off of Team Lesbo is not really frowned upon by the gay or straight community. Winning a physical fight odds are much better; fighting a dude is pretty much a up hill battle for most ladies (don’t go looking for that Tina Turner “What’s Love Got to Do With It” moment) but woman to woman baby you got a chance and you can both go to work with matching black-eyes in the morning.
Waiting for Prince Charming
A lot of women are out here kissing a lot of frogs waiting for Mr. Right to come along. Fuck that dumb shit; just kiss a cooch or two while you’re waiting. Dating all these lames ain’t doing nothing but putting a shit load of unnecessary mileage on that pussy. Prince Charming probably ain’t looking for a chick with 2 kids and a belly with tiger stripes on it to ride off into the sunset with. How you gonna meet the man of your dreams when you're not the woman of anybody's dream? Don’t wait until you’ve been fucked over countless times before you say enough is enough. Switch teams and save yourself some stress and keep your stock value high. A bad bisexual bitch will trump a sloppy baby mother everyday of the motherfucking week. Even if Prince Charming never comes along you might find your queen to be. You never know.
Team Lesbo is currently taking new recruits and we probably won't miss you
Jean DeGrate has spoken