Wednesday, January 25, 2012

How Did You End Up a Jumpoff

Some women actually set out to be or are perfectly cool with being a jumpoff this blog isn’t about them. Today we’re going to touch all those women that end up in the jumpoff lane somewhat unwillingly.
Nobody can do anything to you that you don’t allow them to do
That statement is true except for rape, murder, firings… well it’s a lot of shit people can do to you that you don’t actually have to “allow” if you want to be technical. But one thing that they can’t do to you is make you a jumpoff, you have to be willing to accept that and here’s how…
Do you settle for less?
Do you have a list of things you demand from a man but it’s written in pencil? You’re erased shit and made exceptions; pretty much all of your requirements are more like suggestions. Do you say shit like “you’d prefer a man with…” or “you’d rather if a man did not…”? If so you’re halfway to jumpoff land before a man even comes into the picture.
You do freaked out shit for attention
Do you Skype and Facetime while half-naked or fully naked with guys that aren’t anywhere near being your dude? Before you answer just because you’d be happy to be in a relationship with Andre doesn’t mean he would be in one with you or you’d be his girl. Do you keep naked pictures of you’re cheeks or titties in your phone just in case a dude askes for one? Is your Twitpics or Facebook filled with extra sexy pictures? Are you down to have sexual conversations with dudes you haven’t even slept with yet? If any of this is true you’re a prime candidate for a jumpoff position because you seem easy. Easy girls make the best jumpoffs.
You require no dates
Every single guy loves a girl that doesn't request any outings. You allow a dude to come over and “chill” before going on a date he’s going shy away from dates from here on out. If that “chilling” turns into fucking you’ve really just shot yourself in the foot; you’ll never get a date after that and you’ll be on house-call status FOREVER. You’re hungry? He’ll swing pass McDonald’s on the way over. You want to drink? Cool, he has to pass 6 liquors to get to your house no matter what route he takes; peach Ciroc coming right up. You want to see a movie? He’ll check with his bootleg connect. You want to go to the circus? He’ll come up with every excuse he can’t possibly think of not to take you. “Oh, you want to go the circus on the 17th? Yeah, I can’t make that I’m allergic to elephants and slightly afraid of clowns, long story. Don’t judge me.”
You’re not a priority to him and you’re cool with that
Before you say “I’m not cool with not being a priority; I am a priority”, let me say “bullshit” right now. If he got a “main joint” and you let that slide you’re cool with not being a priority. If you call him then he tells you “I’ll hit you right back” but you ultimately end up calling him back hours later and this happens on a regular basis. Guess what? You’re cool with not being a priority. He did forget to call you back but not because it just slipped his mind, but because he forgot you fucking existed. If you’re talking something he doesn’t want to hear and he says something to the effect of “You’re blowing me” and hangs up or just stops texting back but you still stick around you’re cool with not being a priority. If any of this shit is currently happening to you, you’re already the jumpoff and you’re only a priority when he wants to fuck.
Jumpoffs are forever
Never in the history of mankind has a jumpoff made it to girlfriend status. You won’t be the jumpoff to change the game; there are no pioneers in this jumpoff shit. He’ll never give you more because he knows you’ll accept less. Why put premium gas in a car that only requires regular? If you complain and demand more he’ll put you on the backburner to cool out or cut you off. The promotion will never come just cut your losses and start again.
If you come off like a jumpoff and you get played like one
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, January 23, 2012

So Ya’ll Still Stuck on that Color Shit?

First off let me say I love black. Today I have on a black button-up, black shoes, a black coat and a black scarf. I would have worn a black winter skully but when I do I look like the long lost member of Das Effects so I opted for gray. Besides clothing I love other things black. Black women; I love them so much so I shun these light skin chicks. Redbones need not apply here. Black electronics; we talking all black everything, flat screens, Bluray players and PS3. Yeah that pretty much wraps up the full extent of my black love. Insert one of the principals of Kwanzaa here (I don’t know any and I’m too lazy to Google it).
A lot of folks love black because they are black
How many of ya’ll voted for Obama because he goes to a barber shop where they use clippers instead of scissors? Be honest with yourselves. Tomorrow night is the “State of the Union” address, Twitter and FaceBook will go crazy with shit like “Watching my president”. True Obama is your president but so was Bush and Clinton but black people never claimed them, they were always referred to as “the president”. Coons done fell in love with politics because a black man is in office; will the love affair end if Newt Gingrich is president in January? I’m betting it will; most coons can’t name the 3 branches of government. By the way I voted for Obama because I thought he would make a better president than John McCain not because he gets shape-ups or is partial to fried chicken.
Now on to Red Tails
When I go to my local Cineplex to see a movie on the big screen it’s based on 3 determining factors…
A. The trailer was fucking awesome.
B. I like the starring actors or the director
C. One or more of my homies whose taste in film I respect has recommended that I see it. I.e. If Fatz calls me tomorrow and tells me that “Red Tails” is worth the price of admission and some nachos; you better believe I’ll be at a theatre in the near future cheering Cuba Gooding Jr. on. Unfortunately I haven’t heard shit like that; actually I haven’t heard anybody say it was a good movie period. Now I have heard is a lot of “We need to support this film because Hollywood doesn’t like to make black movies” and “Go see something positive about black folks instead of another Tyler Perry flick”. Yeah none of that motivates me. I don’t support movies because its “black” sorry but that doesn’t move me. I go to the movies because I want to be entertained. Isn’t that kind of the point of going to the movies?
Where’s the pay off?
I mean besides some silly badge on Foursquare or being ousted as the mayor of coon flicks, what’s really in it for me? They aren’t even giving me A-list black casting. George Lucas couldn’t get Denzel and Don Cheadle on the phone? Seeing Neyo and the nigga that played “Miles” on Moesha flying planes and shit holds no thrills for me. It’s not even a true story so it’s not like I’m getting any historic fulfillment out it.  Oh, yeah it’s the satisfaction of supporting a black film. I’ll pass on that.
Don’t encourage it
When you support bad shit people just make more bad shit. I wouldn’t eat at a restaurant with subpar food just because a black person owned it. I wouldn’t buy poorly made clothes just because somebody of my skin tone was working the sewing machine. You go out and PAY to see these ain’t shit movies because black people are in them. You look past the quality of the film and just put your dollars up on shit that’s just ok but in most cases flat out horrible. You’re not encouraging them to do better. The message you’re sending is “if you want money from the black community put a few black faces on the poster and we’ll give you 10 million plus the opening weekend shit toss in a message or some sort nostalgia we’ll give you 10 million more”.
No movie staring Terrence Howard will ever be good again
Jean DeGrate will catch Red Tails on cable for free

Friday, January 20, 2012

One Night Stand Protocol

Since I have a few (14 or so) one night stands under my belt I feel like a minor authority on method and procedure concerning fucking a total stranger.
Let’s pretend the one night stand is already on track to go down… I can’t tell you how to get the show on the road, I can only tell you how to act once the show has begun. So print this out and put a copy in your wallet.
Always play the away game…
The fact that you met me only a few hours ago and are already down to fuck says you might not be the most sound of mind. Yeah, I know, I’m doing the same thing but I already know I’m not crazy but I can’t speak for you. You could be one of those people that harvest organs then leave the victim in a tub of ice with a note taped to his chest. I don’t want to be that guy but I bet the “that damn bitch stole my kidneys face” is priceless. Instead of waking up in a tub of ice or even worst an empty apartment handcuffed to the toilet; opt for the hotel. It’s fiscally sound because even if she steals a robe from the Hilton that might set you back 40 bucks and you just saved a gang money you would have spent on 3 or more dates. You won B.
Always supply your own protection
Its two things I don’t take from strangers; condoms and candy. You don’t believe me? Ask Madi what happened to her Halloween candy. The first chance I got I dumped all that shit and swapped it out with fresh candy from my local grocery store. But seriously would you really wrap your penis in something you got from a stranger? That’s über reckless. It’s bad enough you’re out in the streets fucking strangers, but now you’re really down to die if you let them supply the condom. Plus you don’t want to be the guy with a child by a stripper from a one night stand in Miami.
Always let somebody know where you are
Check in on Four Square, text a homie, send out a smoke signal or something. Porn movies start with the "guy and the hot chick one night stand" scenario but horror movies also start the same way. Yeah you can be as tough as you want to be until a nigga is putting cigarettes out on your face asking for your ATM pin number.
Stay woke dog
Unless you are both blasted you’re not allow to go to sleep. You should never be that comfortable. Think of it like this… the moment you doze off is when she will call her med school drop out homies to get that liver up off you or run thru your wallet and steal your identity. Those bill collectors keep calling about those 2 jet skis and your 6 months behind on your condo in Augusta. Funny thing is you don't even know how to swim and never even been Georgia. Guess who's next car is coming from Eastern Motors?
Always have an exit plan
You just met her. She won’t know if you’re lying. Skip breakfast and get the fuck. If she’s that cool send her a FaceBook friend request and follow her on Twitter. Its call a one night stand for a reason once that sun catches you you’ve stumbled into the day and that's a breach of contract.
Not exactly what you expected it to be the day after.
The set up for a one night stand is normally a setting where alcohol is served and the lights are dim. That’s a formula for disaster any day of the week. So you’re two intoxicated people making a connection in a poorly lit environment the chances are rather high that you won’t wake up with what you thought you left the club with. Well what the fuck did you really expect? Did you think you were going to hit the bar and leave with Halle Berry? You’ve been watching too much TV bro. That’s not how it goes. When you look over and see that 3.5 staring back at you just be thankful the condom didn’t break and start rolling out your exit strategy.
***Insert a clever closing line here***
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Roommates VS Kids

There’re certain things women should require out of men; being STD free, having a legal source of income, and having at least a high school diploma are just a few of the bare minimum requirements. I can't argue any of these things, and I love to argue. But, when it comes to your arbitrary requirements in regards to a man’s living arrangements, I don't see where you're coming from, especially if you're a single mom. (Need I remind you that 70% of single women are just that?) You may frown on the guy living in the conversion van parked in the vacated lot behind Giant. I can respect that. You may look down upon the guy currently sleeping on his homie’s pullout couch. I can see why. You could, with good reason, stay away from the dude still splitting a room with his younger brother. That makes perfect sense. But, word on the street is that grown men can't have roommates now?
I used to have roommates
At one point in my life, as a grown ass man, I lived with 3 other dudes: Fatz, Slick, and my younger brother. The situation only lasted about 8 months, but on the real, it was like a 7 and a half month happy hour. We held a poker game every Sunday. We were working out 4 days a week. There was always beer and bacon in the fridge. Niggas used to get up and take turns cooking breakfast. Most importantly, having roommates never EVER got in the way of me getting any cheeks. If I had action lined up, I'd shoot a text to somebody at the house, and by the time the lady of the night and I walked thru the door, all was calm on the home front. We call that “Man Law”. Your roommate will never be the reason you couldn't get the cheeks.  A few of you bitches would give the cheeks to the dude living in the conversion van at Giant, but hey…. That’s another blog.
Is who you live with taking from the pot or adding to it
Living with another person who's going half on the bills is a big plus. If I didn't have a child, I wouldn't mind splitting a spot it with a homie. Cutting your living expenses in half changes all types of shit. You can get on the money team now. You can cop that leather Haverty's sectional with the matching chair and send that plaid Rent-A-Center cloth couch back. You don't have to settle for that 1 bedroom in the trap; you can still save $200 a month and live in the good part of town. Aren't you thankful that you don't have to say a prayer every night hoping your car doesn't get stolen? Besides upgrading your house to a better location with flat screens, surround sound, and Blu-Ray players, you'll have more spending money. Instead of eating Carry Out in your one bedroom while watching bootlegs, you can actually afford to go out to eat and watch movies in the actual theatre. That IMAX shit is incredible, but it's also 18 bucks a ticket. Never forget: 18 bucks, living that on that struggle life, equals a large shrimp & broccoli, a 2 liter Rock Creek soda, and 1 bootleg.
Now, on to these kids…
Interaction with her kids
Talking to kids that don't know you might be the most painfully awkward shit in life. No matter how rudely that little bastard responds (if he doesn’t just ignore your existence all together), you have to eat that shit and keep smiling. "Hey little man, how you doing?" *Blank stare* "You playing video games?" *Blank stare* "Oh, I guess you're just shy." No, he isn't shy at all; he doesn't give a flying fuck about you or that small talk you're kicking. You're not his father or the last boyfriend he got cool with so… fuck you. "Mommy, I don't like this man; where's Wallace, mommy?" The roommate would never make a woman feel unwanted.
Kids are cock blockers
Kids do the darndest things, and by “darndest”, I mean the most fucked up, hating ass shit you can possibly think of. Once, a little boy literally came into the room and hopped in the bed while his mother was kissing the tip.  I never heard the door open; it just so happened that I opened my eyes to see his 3-year-old hands grabbing the edge of the bed. "Oh shit; your son is in here." "Mommy, I just wanted to give you a hug." A motherfucking hug… at 3am… word? His little kid spidey sense went off as soon as her clothes came off. Fact: kids don't want you to fuck their moms. Roommates want you to get the cheeks.
Kids put your wallet in a chokehold
You're dead tired; you've been working 12 hours days because Lil’ Jamal and Lisa need new bunk beds and shit. Roommates buy their own furniture. Mom isn't watching the kids anymore so you have to pay your neighbor $15 an hour to watch the seeds. Even if you're getting a free meal and movie, you're still down $75, and you have to be home by 1am. Roommates don't require babysitters; if you leave one home alone, he won't set the house on fire, and nobody will call CPS on you. Your utilities are high because Lisa keeps the heat on 80, and Lil’ Jamal is up all night every night on the computer doing "homework". Roommates pay their share when those bills start to rise.
Don't judge that man because he got roommates; your kids are freeloaders.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Things Baby Mothers Say

*Since everybody and their mother are doing a blog or a YouTube video about what things people from all walks of life say, I figured I’d jump on the bandwagon.*
Not that I have several kids running around but I’ve slept with enough single women with children to finish a sentence or two when they get to talking that baby daddy and single parenthood shit.
“He’ll never find another one like me”
All baby mothers are the cream of the crop in their own eyes. Even if their bodies didn’t bounce back after they dropped that seed they are the best that you can ever hope to do. So what if your new girl looks like Stacy Dash, makes 6 figures a year and cooks like she taught Paula Dean and Rachel Ray how to use a stove.
“…that’s the least he could do, I am taking care of his child”
Because baby mothers love to throw in your face they are taking care of your child whenever they need/ask for something that isn’t quite child related. So when you’re painting her upstairs bathroom or taking her car to the shop to make sure they don’t try to charge her for some extra shit, just remember you “owe” her because she watches the child you both made.
“Oh I could have him back if I wanted him, trust that”
No matter how many times he cheated when they were together or how far the father of that child has moved on the only reason they’re not together is because she doesn’t want him. No girlfriend, wedding band, restraining order or act of God could keep them apart if she decided it’s time to patch things up.
“He still be trying to fuck and shit”
Yeah this is true in almost every case. Dudes love to think the baby momma pussy is the go to move in a clutch, no matter how many times he gets shut down.
“He can play with me if he wants I’ll have his ass in court quick”
Baby mothers love love love to threaten to take a nigga to court. You were 15 minutes late with the drop off Sunday night. “Don’t make me take you to court to get that visitation taken back”. That 500 a month you pay in child support didn’t stretch as long last month as it normally does so she called you for a little extra and you said no. “We’ll be back in court getting this 500 raised because you know that just ain’t going to cut it no more”.
“My child is the best thing to happen to me”
Word? I can’t tell, like not even a little bit.
“I love my kids, but if I knew what I know now I would have waited”
Don’t take this the wrong way but, bitch please. Women kill me with that line. If you were born after 1975 you knew of some other young single mothers that were struggling before you got knocked up and decided to have that seed. None of you invented this single parenthood shit it was examples all around you.
Now somebody make a YouTube video off of this and credit me.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The 200 Dollar Date

First off I’m not broke nor am I a cheapskate, but I do know the value of a dollar because I spend 60 plus hours a week at work to earn it.
Thanks to the good people on my Twitter timeline for indulging in a heated debate about the amount of money expected to be spent on a date that landed on the amount of 200. Can I see 200 being spent on a date? Fuck yeah. I’ve been on a few dates that have cost a little more but these were special women and not just Shameka from around the way. Unfortunately the person footing the bill on that date no matter what the cost maybe is 99.75% of the time… wait for it… the dude. Since I was born with a penis I'm expected to cover dating cost.
Am I paying for your time or are we getting to know each other?
You’d be hard pressed to find somebody that doesn’t like some sort of fast food and yes, Chipotle is fast food. If it takes less than 10 minutes to prepare and your meal is under 12 bucks I’m going to stick that fast food label on it. If I take a girl to California Tortilla doesn’t mean I value her any less than I would if I took her to, let's say Don Pablo’s. I like both spots, but just for about 5 bucks more a person, the good people at Don P’s bring the food to our table, the silverware isn’t plastic and we actually get to hold the menu instead of looking up at one above the counter. Somehow not having a pimpled face teenager run back and forth to refill our Sprites is a deal breaker. Oh, word? I guess meeting up for coffee like those white people do in the movies is out of the question, huh? I thought the new wave of women loved Starbucks? Real talk if I say let’s hit Chipotle and a movie and you say anything but “cool” or “I don’t like Chipotle” I can’t know you any more. It’s just that simple. If you frown up your face at a chance for us to chill and a free meal, even if it comes with paper napkins, I’m not sure of what type of games you’re on. None for me thanks.
Where are you eating when you know the check is coming to you?
I know tons of women that have eaten at 5 star establishments on the dime of their male suitors. I know way less women that have eaten at the same 5 star restaurants when the check was coming back to them at the end of the night. How can you really be upset with a guy trying to feed you that "2 for 22 Friday’s" special when you feed that to yourself on a regular basis. If you’ve had Popeye’s, McDonald’s, KFC, Pizza Hut or any other fast food chain for dinner in the 6 months you can’t rightly demand high-end food. If you got Top Ramen and Chef Boyardee in your kitchen cabinets who are you really fooling with these requests to break bread in Ruth Chris over the cheddar biscuits we know you love at Red Lobster?
The 200 date, if it is to exist, should always be post cheeks
I don’t want to come off as if I’m buying pussy and I don’t want to make you women feel like you’re selling it either but a 200 dollar dates should come with some sort of guarantees attached to it. Yeah that still came out wrong, but dropping 2 bills on a woman I’m not sure I actually like is a bit of a stretch. All the things I could have bought for the same 200 will start scrolling thru my mind…
A pair of premium denim jeans
6 fitted National's caps
4 fitted Major’s caps
26 burrito bowls from Chipotle
8 Bluray DVD’s
… Just to name a few. I’m 100% sure all those things will be way more enjoyable than watching a woman I have ZERO interest in ever seeing again eat lobster and shrimp on my dime. How can you not feel entitled to a little something when you’ve dropped 2 weeks of grocery money on a date and didn’t enjoy yourself? Especially when the date ends in a church hug and her telling you “Text me when you get home” as her front door closes in your face. That’s got to hurt because it hurts me just thinking about it.
I won’t be dropping 2 bills or any new chicks
Jean DeGrate has spoken