One Night Stand Protocol

Since I have a few (14 or so) one night stands under my belt I feel like a minor authority on method and procedure concerning fucking a total stranger.
 
Let’s pretend the one night stand is already on track to go down… I can’t tell you how to get the show on the road, I can only tell you how to act once the show has begun. So print this out and put a copy in your wallet.
 
Always play the away game…
The fact that you met me only a few hours ago and are already down to fuck says you might not be the most sound of mind. Yeah, I know, I’m doing the same thing but I already know I’m not crazy but I can’t speak for you. You could be one of those people that harvest organs then leave the victim in a tub of ice with a note taped to his chest. I don’t want to be that guy but I bet the “that damn bitch stole my kidneys face” is priceless. Instead of waking up in a tub of ice or even worst an empty apartment handcuffed to the toilet; opt for the hotel. It’s fiscally sound because even if she steals a robe from the Hilton that might set you back 40 bucks and you just saved a gang money you would have spent on 3 or more dates. You won B.
 
Always supply your own protection
Its two things I don’t take from strangers; condoms and candy. You don’t believe me? Ask Madi what happened to her Halloween candy. The first chance I got I dumped all that shit and swapped it out with fresh candy from my local grocery store. But seriously would you really wrap your penis in something you got from a stranger? That’s über reckless. It’s bad enough you’re out in the streets fucking strangers, but now you’re really down to die if you let them supply the condom. Plus you don’t want to be the guy with a child by a stripper from a one night stand in Miami.
 
Always let somebody know where you are
Check in on Four Square, text a homie, send out a smoke signal or something. Porn movies start with the "guy and the hot chick one night stand" scenario but horror movies also start the same way. Yeah you can be as tough as you want to be until a nigga is putting cigarettes out on your face asking for your ATM pin number.
 
Stay woke dog
Unless you are both blasted you’re not allow to go to sleep. You should never be that comfortable. Think of it like this… the moment you doze off is when she will call her med school drop out homies to get that liver up off you or run thru your wallet and steal your identity. Those bill collectors keep calling about those 2 jet skis and your 6 months behind on your condo in Augusta. Funny thing is you don't even know how to swim and never even been Georgia. Guess who's next car is coming from Eastern Motors?
 
Always have an exit plan
You just met her. She won’t know if you’re lying. Skip breakfast and get the fuck. If she’s that cool send her a FaceBook friend request and follow her on Twitter. Its call a one night stand for a reason once that sun catches you you’ve stumbled into the day and that's a breach of contract.
 
Not exactly what you expected it to be the day after.
The set up for a one night stand is normally a setting where alcohol is served and the lights are dim. That’s a formula for disaster any day of the week. So you’re two intoxicated people making a connection in a poorly lit environment the chances are rather high that you won’t wake up with what you thought you left the club with. Well what the fuck did you really expect? Did you think you were going to hit the bar and leave with Halle Berry? You’ve been watching too much TV bro. That’s not how it goes. When you look over and see that 3.5 staring back at you just be thankful the condom didn’t break and start rolling out your exit strategy.
 
***Insert a clever closing line here***
Jean DeGrate has spoken